I was very surprised at how... pleasant the beginning of the interrogation had been so far. This "Princess Celestia" asked me my name, asked if I was feeling alright (I replied that I was actually a little chilly without my shirt. Also, I didn't tell her this, but meeting the ruler of an alien planet half-naked is kind of embarrassing.) and she even gave me my shirt back, and my soap (Union issued pine fresh #21, so your guns are the only thing killing people, not your smell.) After she somehow made them appear from light out of her horn (seriously, what the actual heck.) the door opened and three ponies walked inside. First was the pony doctor from before, and behind her were two armor wearing unicorns. They took a seat and Princess Celestia rang a bell. Suddenly, a cart with five plates on it was pulled in. The princess smiled before saying,
"I figured we should start with breakfast given you haven't eaten yet."
Okay, what the heck. Where were the needles? The white-hot irons? The tongs? The rusty fishhook they would remove my gallbladder with? (Seriously, the Union's Inquisition Unit uses all of those, amd more.) I was suspicious to say the least, but also very hungry and in need of a shower. I decided I could satisfy at least one of those needs and accepted a plate with a quick nod. The only thing on it were some thin cut hash browns with a cup of orange juice. I scooped up some and took a bite and... they tasted like grass. I would know, I once ate some on the field trip to the City 12 Plantetorium (only place with plants in the entire city. Each city had one since plants were inefficient compared to carbon scrubbers.) I managed to hold my gag and slowly swallowed. I looked up at their expecting faces and faked a smile.
"It's good! It just... needs salt."
I grabbed the salt shaker and sprinkled some over the hash browns from hell. I slowly made my way through my plate as the ponies watched. The doctor from before (who had her mane in a bun and rectangular glasses on, pretty adorable.) paid extra special attention to my eating, eyes glued to my every move. When I was done, the plates were cleared away and the questions began.
"Now then, what are your government's goals? Why are you here?"
Honestly, I wasn't sure. They had said resources, but I wasn't entirely sure. I shrugged.
"Please understand, cooperation will get you farther than silence. I will ask you again, what are your goals?"
I shrugged again. I honestly didn't know, so saying something would probably get me in trouble. I winced as a sharp pain filled my stomach. Please, don't let me crap my pants. The princess sighed before motioning towards the door. The ponies all filled out, obviously determining how to torture me. A few minutes later the two guards returned without their helmets. What was their plan?
"Alright scum! Start talking!"
Wow, intimidation didn't work when you were so dang pet-able. Suddenly, the other guard was at my side.
"Oh, don't mind him, he's always been a little grumpy. Now then, why don't you just tell us what we need to know, and you can get out of this room."
Oh... this one was so nice. I really wish I had something I could tell them, but the only thing I know is that you don't put metal in a microwave. I winced a little as my stomach spasmed. The devil's handmade hash was fighting back.
"Hey! You better start talking before I have to get serious!"
Seriously! I was just a conscript! I didn't know anything! Couldn't they understand that? The ponies sighed before walking out. Well then, that was fast. After a few moments the doctor came in with them.
"Well then, since you've decided to be difficult, I'll be conducting some tests."
Oh, I'd heard of this one! The doctor comes in and then pumps you full of chemicals until you melt. I didn't flinch as she approached, until my stomach exploded in pain. I gasped and fell to the floor. It felt like my insides were being stabbed with thousands of white hot pins. I heard hoofsteps running towards me and suddenly I was being rolled onto my back.
"What happened? Are you okay?"
Like you didn't know, you obviously poisoned me.
"He must not be able to digest hay! Quick, we need to pump his stomach!"
Oh, must have been a truth serum gone wrong. I've heard of that, they never did manage to get them to not make your eyes shrivel up. Suddenly, I was being rushed through hallways and... I'd prefer not to go into detail about the process of having the contents of your stomach removed.
After that incident, I was allowed to shower and went to sleep as soon as I was brought back to my cell. I woke up in the middle of the night, just as I had hoped. Standing across the hall was my favorite pony, Orchid.
"Hey Orchid, how's it going?"
She started and soon was at the cell door.
"Are you alright? I heard something happened today about you and hay and whatever. What happened?"
I shrugged.
"Must not be able to eat hay. Who knew?"
Her concerned expression was soon replaced by a stern one.
"I also heard you refused to talk. What's with you! You don't seem too bad, but your trying to help kill innocent ponies! Princess Celestia wants to end the fighting."
"Try 'Didn't know the answers to any of the questions.' I'm just a conscript, not an actual soldier."
She looked at me in confusion.
"Conscript? You mean you're being forced to fight?"
"Well duh, barely anyone wants to be in the military. We're just cannon fodder. We don't even know why we're fighting!"
She gaped before shaking her head.
"That's sad. But anyway, you'll be telling Doctor Carefull Observer tomorrow when she examines you. She thinks you guys are really neat."
Oh great, I get to be a lab rat. What fun.
-------------------------------
I sat waiting on an examination table. I had been made to remove my shirt and had just barely been able to keep my trousers. The door opened and the white doctor with the bun and glasses walked in. I should have known. She looked at me and started shaking like a kid in a candy store before saying,
"I just can't wait to learn all about you! I mean, think about it. I'll be the first pony to study an alien species!"
I was just thrilled to be studied. At least she was cute with her little glasses and tattoo of a magnifying glass on her butt. Wait...
"Now then, any questions before we start?"
"Yeah, what's with the tattoos? Your's isn't the first one I've seen. Is it just tradition to get a butt tattoo around here?"
She blinked before looking from her rump to me before a look of dawning comprehension grew on her face.
"Ah! You mean my cutie mark! It's a magical mark that appears on the flank of a pony when they discover their special talent! Don't you have something like that?"
I shook my head. Earlier I probably would have laughed at the magic part, but given the circumstances I was more inclined to believe it.
"Good! Now then, let's get back to observing your rather impressive, musculature."
She ran a hoof over my arm as she said "musculature." Honestly, I wasn't exactly sure what she was talking about given I was in only decently good shape. Definitely not bodybuilder style muscles or anything. She started circling me, tracing my back with a hoof before stopping in front of me.
"Now then, I want to know all about the scientific impossibilities possible only to your species-or in my bed, standing offer.- and use that knowledge to further ponykind as a general. Also, I want to study every part of your anatomy and physiology in great detail. Ready to start?"
"What was that about a bed?!?"