Her Illustrious Highness
By Macon Mixx
Chapter 2
Although the Great Hall of the Royal Palace was not as airy as the throne room, its sheer size was enough to make anypony feel small. Windows eight ponies high ran the length of the hall on both sides, allowing a beautiful view of Celestia's setting sun in the west and admitting the first argent rays of Luna's rising moon in the east. Marble columns bore the weight of the roof, which was itself decorated with purple tapestries. Intricate marble veins, carved in relief on each of the pillars, lent the hall a sylvan aura. A single chandelier hung from the ceiling, illuminating the Great Hall without subduing the beauty of the rising moon and setting sun. Finally, the pièce de résistance, masterful works of stained glass at the beginning and end of the hall depicted the creation of Equestria.
Star Swirl had lived in the palace her entire life, and this room still awed her. Just stepping hoof through the doors made her feel small. Normally, Star Swirl fought against that tiny sort of feeling. Today, however, tiny was just what she was hoping for. In fact, she would have been happy to have been insignificant. Anything, anything at all would have been worth it to avoid being noticed. She was wearing a 27 bit dress to a formal event in the royal palace.
Swirl had gratefully accepted Purple Streamer's gift of the dress she had worn for the photo shoot earlier that day. After all, she had agreed to do the advertisements for her friend. Why not claim the reward? Streamer had the advertisements to help save her dress shop, and Swirl had a beautiful new dress that she could never have afforded on her own. The dress, however, was too special to wear to just any event at the palace. Most weeks had one or two formal occasions. Some even had three! No, this dress was perfect, and Swirl knew just what she was saving it for. Luna's birthday was in only two more days, and Swirl wanted to look her best for the celebration.
This meant, however, that she had been forced to go back to the clearance racks after the photo session and find something for tonight's reception. Thankful for Star Swirl's help and feeling sorry for the impoverished scion, Streamer had offered to give her a dress for tonight's event as well. Swirl, though, had refused. She hadn't agreed to do the advertisements for the dress, she told herself, but for a friend. She was royalty, and as well-meaning as Streamer was, Star Swirl couldn't accept her charity.
An affected Ox-ford accent cut through Swirl's thoughts.
"Lady Star Swirl! Do join us!"
Star Swirl cringed. Noticed already? she thought to herself. Normally, she could attend an event like this without a single pony talking to her all night long. She was afraid that her orange-and-lime-green clearance rack dress was working against her in that regard. Perhaps she should have accepted Purple Streamer's charity after all. This was going to be a long night.
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"Lady Star Swirl! So lovely to see you this evening at the reception for the Wyrmish ambassador!"
So that’s what this is all about! Swirl thought. With so many feasts, dances, and receptions held at the palace, it was hard to keep track of exactly which was for whom.
Another of the finely dressed unicorn royals spoke up.
"Now Dear, you simply must tell us where you found that charming selle!"
Selle? Swirl thought. Is that Fence?
Swirl wished that she had taken her foreign language classes more seriously. Oh, everypony was staring at her! Or were they staring at… her dress? Selle must mean saddle! Star Swirl was going to curse this dress until the day she died.
"Oh, my… selle! Yes! It's from… Neighpon!"
Star Swirl held her breath. She had never been to Neighpon in her life, but the country was famous for its over-the-top fashion and garish styles. With any luck, the wealthy unicorns she was speaking with would be far enough removed from everyday life in Equestria not to realize that she had in fact bought her dress off the clearance rack.
"Neighpon? How exotic! How full of life! I must say, if one of we older mares had dared to wear something so… vivacious… we would have been laughed right out of Canterlot. But on you, dear, it looks absolutely stunning!"
Star Swirl looked at the faces all around her, and dared to breathe again. They were smiling. Everypony had bought her story! Words could not describe Star Swirl's relief, but she was sincerely hoping not to have to lie to any pony again. And so, after graciously thinking the older royal for the complement, she quickly changed the subject.
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Star Swirl had been making the rounds of the Great Hall. Much to her surprise, she was actually beginning to enjoy the attention that her brightly-colored dress was attracting. Never in her life had Swirl been so in-demand among her royal peers. Unfortunately, her brief moment of fame was enough to garner the attentions—and the jealousies—of the pettiest unicorn in the court, Her Illustrious Highness Lady Violet.
Lady Violet was, technically speaking, an amicus of Star Swirl. By virtue of being of the same royal standing and because they were clients of the same patron, the two were, by definition, "friends". The truth, though, was that Lady Violet didn't make friends of her amici. She made stepping stones of them.
"Lady Star Swirl! It's simply lovely to see you my dear!" Lady Violet's smile was that of a manticore happily eyeing its next meal.
"Y… y… you too, Lady Violet."
Star Swirl bit her lip. She knew from experience that attention from Lady Violet could only mean trouble. The other royal ponies knew this, too, and those within earshot of the exchange stopped to watch the show.
They're vultures, thought Star Swirl. Vultures, every one of them!
Swirl knew that if Lady Violet were to tear her to bits, the royal buzzards now circling around them would be more than happy to clean up the scraps. The weak were always a prime target in the court, and one could expect her allies to abandon her at a moment's notice if she showed even the faintest signs of weakness. Swirl knew that she couldn't give an inch to Lady Violet or she would be set on by the entire mob.
"I have a question for you, Lady Swirl. A question that I feel could be best answered by an… earth... pony." Lady Violet's voice dropped as she whispered the penultimate word, as though it were a vulgarity.
"Well, you've come to the right mare! I'm one of the only earth ponies in the court!"
Star Swirl cringed as soon as the words left her mouth. She seemed to be making a career out of saying the wrong things at the wrong time. Lady Violet, on the other hoof, was now grinning more eagerly than ever.
"Tell me, then, what do you think of the legislation Lord Blowhard recently put before Their Majesties? As you know, many of the Equestrian provinces still forbid mixed marriage. A pegasus and a unicorn, for example, could be married in Manehattan. But across the bay in Hoofington, their union would not be recognized. Lord Blowhard's proposal would afford recognition to mixed couples across Equestria, as long as the marriage was legal in the province where it was officiated."
The confusion was evident on Star Swirl's face.
"I don't understand why you would ask me about Lord Blowhard's proposal, especially here and now. Surely you would rather discuss this in court. I believe it is on the agenda for tomorrow morning?"
"I do intend to discuss the issue tomorrow in court, but I thought that, given the… indiscretions… so evident in your family tree, you might have a particularly well-formed opinion on the matter."
"Indiscretions?"
Lady Violet nickered, as did several of the royal unicorns who had surrounded them. She moved in for the kill.
"As you said, you are one of the only earth ponies in Their Majesties' court. Nearly all of the rest of the courtiers are unicorns, and we know that the Princesses Minor, matrons of the royal family and our links to the Princesses Regent Celestia and Luna, were all unicorns as well. Why, it's as plain as the horn on your face that some grandmare of yours must have enjoyed a little bit of workhorse when nopony was watching."
Lady Violet nickered again. "Or rather, I suppose it's as plain as the horn that isn't on your face, isn't it darling?"
Star Swirl's mind spun with all that Lady Violet was implying. If her ancestors had "mixed the race," then their children wouldn't have been legitimate. If their children were illegitimate, then they weren't truly royal. And if they weren't royals, then neither was she. Like Lady Violet had said, it was as plain as the horn on her face.
Suddenly, Star Swirl wasn't feeling well at all. Ignoring all the decorum and manners that her years in the palace had taught her, Swirl reared up and galloped out of the Great Hall.
Lady Violet, however, smiled smugly to herself as she settled back into the spotlight which she had just chased Star Swirl out of.
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Cajun Dish had only recently joined the palace staff, but the pegasus was seriously thinking about resigning. Despite the fact that he had moved up through the ranks of his art to become one of the most notable Creole chefs in Equestria, he had only been accepted into the palace's kitchen staff due to the overlap between Creole and Fence dishes. As saucier, he was the first line cook in the palace kitchen, but that really meant next to nothing. He was about as involved in the planning menus as the first private in the royal guard was involved in planning attack strategies. That is to say, he was not involved in the executive function of the kitchens whatsoever.
Dish longed to let his talent shine. To prepare an étouffée fit for a queen. To dazzle the royal household with his chayotes. To show them what onions and peppers and celery could truly be! But instead, night after night, he prepared sauces in the style of the old world. Though many were bold, and several were spicy, none had the magic of a good cajun dish.
Tonight, though, something else was putting the Princesses' saucier on edge. He had become a prisoner in his own kitchen, trapped by the little bundle of sorrow that was guarding the door. There, between Dish and the kitchen proper, was a young mare, barely more than a filly, crying her eyes out on the floor. Cajun Dish had never had a way with the mares. Most of the time, he often found himself seizing up in fear just trying to say hello. But he knew that, if he ever intended to make an escape, he was going to have to talk the distraught young lady down.
When I leave this place, Cajun Dish thought to himself, I am never again going to work in a kitchen that doesn't have a back way out!
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Star Swirl had tried to escape the palace all together, but instead had found herself trapped in a small room off the main kitchen. Seeing that there was nowhere for her to go but back out the way she had come in, she simply lay down on the ground and began to cry. It started small at first—little sniffles, a few tears—but quickly escalated to heart-rending sobs that wracked her entire frame. Before long, she had forgotten exactly why she was crying, and was reduced to bawling simply because she was bawling. Through the thick curtain of shame and self-doubt that covered her, Star Swirl was unable to confront her fears.
It was at just that moment that Swirl felt the gentle brush of a hoof on her shoulder, as somepony's foreleg enveloped her in a modest hug. Her tears were unrelenting, but the compassionate touch softened her loud sobbing to a gentle murmur, all but drowned out by the hubbub of the kitchen that carried through the walls. It was then that Star Swirl looked up to see the apprehensive young stallion whose leg was draped awkwardly over her shoulder. She almost felt like laughing at how nervous he appeared in comforting her, and the sight of him did almost as much for her spirits as the hug.
"Um… Your Highness?" The chef pony stated, guessing at Star Swirl's style.
Swirl simply shook her head "no". She was still too raddled to be able to say anything.
"Your… Grace?"
Swirl shook her head no again.
"Your Royal Highness?" No. "Your Serene Highness?" No. "Your Excellency?" No. "Your Honor?" No.
This stallion really wasn't very good at guessing games.
"Your… Illustrious Highness?"
Star swirl nodded her head "yes", and dug deep within herself to find the words she needed for a bit of clarification: "But you can just call me Swirl."
"Oh, okay. Swirl, then. Um… you okay sweetheart?" Knowing without a doubt that he was talking to royalty made Cajun Dish even more nervous. He had been uncertain, due to the fact that Star Swirl was an earth pony. But her style left no doubt.
When the only answer to his question was continued sniffles from the royal mare, Dish gathered his courage to ask another question.
"You wanna talk about what's wrong?"
"You won't want to hear about it," the mare said through her tears.
"Yes, yes I will. I will if it helps you to talk about it."
"Are you sure?" The young mare sounded hopeful, but reserved. As if she was trying to protect herself in case her new acquaintance let her down.
In truth, Dish wasn't really sure. He was trying to impress the executive chef, and going missing in action to hear some filly's story wasn't going to help his case. But he knew the feelings of loss, betrayal, and confusion that showed through the other pony's eyes, and he didn't want to disappoint her.
He lay on the kitchen floor near his accidental captor.
"Of course I'm sure. You tell Cajun Dish whatever's on your mind."
The invitation set off one of the longest monologues Cajun Dish had ever heard. Swirl told the stallion about her position in court, the intrigues she had been a part of, and of the most recent attack by her amicus, Lady Violet. With each revelation, Cajun Dish would smile and nod sagely, but didn't say a thing. Finally, when Swirl had finished her narrative through the present day, Cajun spoke up.
"You know little filly, I think I've figured out what your problem is."
"My… my problem? I'm unimportant and unloved and possibly even illegitimate! You think I just have one problem?"
"Only one that matters. No pony appreciates your special talent!"
"Oh, but that's the worst part of it! Royal ponies don't have special talents. None of us do! Our cutie marks are just for decoration."
"You seem awfully sure of that, sugarcube. But when was the last time you knew a royal pony to have a heart-to-heart with a commoner like me?"
"Well, I spent some time in town with Purple Streamer yesterday, but…"
Dish interrupted her, "I meant any royal pony besides you."
Swirl thought for a moment before she replied.
"I can't say that I've ever heard of another royal pony being friends with a commoner, unless you count Celestia mentoring her personal students."
"Well then, it's settled! I think we just found your special talent!"
"But how could that be my special talent? Talking a lot doesn't make any sense as a special talent! Besides, what does it have to do with my cutie mark? And how would you even know what my 'one big problem' is in the first place?" Swirl questioned.
"Sugarcube, I don't know how it could be, but I know that it is! And I knew what your problem was, because I've been struggling with that same problem myself! Think about it. I'm a pony named Cajun Dish working for the Princesses. How many times do you think Celestia has called the kitchen and asked us to make gumbo?"
Star Swirl suppressed a giggle as she wiped away the last of her tears. "Um… never?"
"Never. I admit I've only been working here for about four months, but I don't expect that to change anytime soon. Whenever a new pony starts on in the kitchen, we have to read a 748 page tome on Celestia's favorite foods. Among the thousands of recipes in the book, there was not one gumbo, not one jambalaya, not one creole dish of any kind. In fact, the princess doesn't like anything spicy! It's frustrating to not be able to do what I'm good at. It leaves me feeling hurt and confused. And those are the same things I see when I look at you. You really have somethin' to be able to talk with a common pony like me, and it's hurting you to be constantly discouraged from usin' that gift."
The princesses' chef had only a split second to prepare for the half-hug, half-tackle he received from the earth pony. She didn't quite knock him over, but it wasn't for any lack of trying.
"Thanks Cajun. I really owe you for this."
"You'll find a way to make it up to me in your own time."
With a mile, Star Swirl released her new friend and started for the door. Looking back over her shoulder, she smiled.
"I will. I promise."