//------------------------------// // A Bad Joke // Story: A Matter of Genetics // by Guardsman_Sparky //------------------------------// Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day! It is a beautiful morning, I have never felt so alive! Kaloo, kalay, oh happy day! I woke up this morning feeling strangely energetic. Like nothing in the world could ever get me down. I just feel so happy! Grabbing an apple, I quickly snarfed it down, and a moment later the rest of the bushel followed it down my gullet. I let out a small burp. 'Scuse me. What to do, what to do. I think I'll go down the hole. Positioning myself over the "door" to my room, I cut out my telekinesis and allowed myself to drop. Wheeeee! Just before I hit the ground, I caught myself in a bubble of pink telekinetic energy, giggling all the while. That was fun, Imma do it again! Up the hole! Wheeeee! Up the hole! Wheeeee! Up the hole! Wheeeee! Up the h-- *Sploosh* Immediately, I zipped over to the throne room's pond, where a series of ripples spread across the otherwise tranquil surface. Hi Mr. Fish! How... I trailed off as the ripples smoothed out, revealing my reflection: or rather, the reflection of a small, pink cat. AIEEEEE! Twilight, help! For a moment Twilight staggered, rightfully trying not to fall over as a ten pound ball of pink fur suddenly and meteorically attached itself to her right-foreleg. Blinking as she stared at the shaking kitten glomping her leg, Twilight belatedly registered the mental voice that had just spoken to her. "Mewtwo?" Taking a deep breath, I unlatched from Twilight's appendage and floated out of her personal space. It's actually Mew at the moment, but... I growled as my recently flighty attention wandered again. I wiggled my tiny forearms helplessly. Help! Perhaps I should have been more eloquent, but I was in panic mode. "Mewtwo, er, Mew," Twilight asked concernedly. "What happened?" I don't know, I exclaimed as I continued to wave my tiny, tiny arms. I went to bed normal and woke up like this! I have a big head and tiny arms! This was never part of any plan, and I don't think that such a plan would work in the first place! You may be wondering why I am in such a tizzy right now. Well you'd be panicking too if you woke up to suddenly find yourself in a different body! Do you know how long it took me to get used to my new body the last time this happened?! Actually, come to think about it, I don't know the answer to that...let's see, there was the insanity and then the stoning... Um, it was a long time, let's leave it at that. Now where was I? Oh, right. Tiny arms! Big head! Panic! It was at this point that Spike handed me a paper bag to hyperventilate in. I'm not sure how long he'd been standing there, but I was currently worried about other, more important things at the moment, such as the fact that I was barely a foot tall. Oh, did I mention that my control over my psychic abilities were shot all to hell? Yes! And the worst part of that is my telepathy keeps kicking in at the most inopportune of times. I did not need to know that Bulk Biceps likes to flex in front of a mirror screaming "YEAH!" or that Bon Bon is actually a retired secret agent named Sweetie Drops, nor of Lyra's not-so-secret obsession with hands. No, Spike being a ninja can wait until another day. When I finally got my breathing under control, I tried to return the somewhat crumpled bag to Spike. Tried being the keyword there. Thank you for--Whoops! To my dismay, instead of gently floating the bag back to the baby dragon, my pink (PINK!) telekinetic aura instead sent the paper container careening into Spike's face at near-relativistic speeds (Okay, so that might be hyperbole, but it was really fast), leaving him with a perfectly formed paper mask stuck to his face. Sorry! "Naw, it's okay," Spike assured, pulling the rigid paper off his face and giving it a strange look. "It wouldn't be the first high speed object to hit me in the face around here." I sensed there was a story there. "When Twilight gets into one of her science-y moods, well," he shrugged. "It pays to have armored scales instead of soft fur." Oh...less story, more mad scientist's long-suffering assistant. Somehow not as exciting as I'd have thought. Wait, why am I so calm? I should be panicking! However, it was at this point that Twilight interjected, distracting me from my re-mounting panic. "You didn't happen to come across any blue flowers recently, did you," she asked, giving me a careful look. Um... Get back here you little-! I cursed as my prey continued to mock me. Snarling, I bounded after it on all fours through a field of flowers, scattering blue petals to the wind. You cannot escape the inevitable, you blasted butterfly! Maybe? Twilight's look turned into something that uncomfortably reminded me of the look I had once associated with my mother being unamused with whatever antics I was up to. I drew my paws behind my back and tried to look as innocent as possible: surprisingly difficult considering I was a pink kitten at the moment. "I'll take that as a yes." Pulling out a book with her magic, Twilight flipped through it until she found what she was looking for. Turning back to me, she showed me the picture of a familiar blue flower within the pages. "You've got Poison Joke." Poison...Joke? "It's a magical plant native to the Everfree Forest," the purple unicorn responded matter-of-factly. "Something about it (I haven't quite figured out what yet) causes magical mishaps in any wildlife, or sapient being, that touches it. The effects are different for every being that touches it, but in your case." Twilight gestured at me with a hoof. "It turned you into a pink kitten." I blinked. I do believe I understood that. Something about this was niggling at my mind. Is...is it permanent? Twilight opened her mouth to speak, only to pause. "You know, that's a very good question. We were all cured rather quickly, and I never did get around to applying the scientific method like I intended to...Maybe Zecora would know..." I latched onto Twilight's words with the desperation of a drowning man clutching a flotation ring. But there is a cure, right? "Hmm?" Twilight glanced at me distractedly, still deep in thought. "Oh, yes, you just need an herbal bath. They have the recipe for it over at the spa." A weight lifted off my shoulders. I wouldn't be stuck like this anymore! I wouldn't have to endure fluctuating powers and accidental mind reading! A strange calm settled over me as my panic just floated away. Even better, I didn't have to worry about accidentally killing anybody anymore. What? Oh, don't look at me like that. You do remember what happened the last time I woke up in a body not my own, right? Uh-huh, that's what I thought. Now where was I? Oh, right. The cure. To the spa! With a quick thanks, Twilight, I shot out the door and into the sky. Soon, the nightmare would be over. Soon, I'd be back to my normal self. Soon, I'd...I...I do not where the spa is. ... Shit. Well, I suppose I could go and ask for directions. Not like that could hurt. I'd just need to...What's that over there? Back in the library, Spike stared at the open door that Mew had left through. "Uh, Twilight." "Hm," Twilight responded absently, still lost in thought. "Does, um, Mew know where the spa is?" Concern was etched on the small dragon's face. Twilight looked up, blinking owlishly as the question worked its way past her previous train of thought. "I...don't know." Spike looked at Twilight questioningly. "Should we...I dunno, do something?" Twilight looked back at Spike quizzically. "Well, I suppose we should give him directions." She looked around the room. "Where is he?" The baby dragon pointed at the open door. "He already left." "Oh." Twilight stared at the open doorway. "Well...I...I'm sure he'll be fine. He's just a pink kitten right now, I doubt he's going to get into any trouble." At that moment, a crash came from outside. "My cabbages!" Twilight winced at the commotion outside. "Of course, I could be wrong." I'm sorry! "You'll be sorry alright! Hold still!" It was just my luck that as I was passing a cart full of produce when I needed to sneeze. And it was also just my luck that said sneeze was accompanied by an accidental release of psychic energy, knocking over everything within three feet of my tiny, pink self. Which, of course, included a produce cart filled to the brim with cabbages. The owner was not happy. So now, here I am, running (floating?) for my life from an angry green-furred, grey-haired pony with a cabbage cutie mark. Who also had a surprisingly good throwing hoof. AUGH! A cabbage bouncing off my skull, coupled with an unfortunately timed psychic hiccup, sent me careening through a flower stand. Coming to a rest upside down, my world stopped spinning just in time to see a trio of somewhat irritated mares. Sorry! I shot into the air, forgetting about the cabbage pony for a moment. I can fix that, I declared, looking sheepishly at the broken stall. Gathering my psychic abilities, I took the booth and its contents in my grasp. Unfortunately, this also caused a cloud of pollen to puff into my face. My muzzle screwed up. "Ah...ah...AHCHOO!" Shaking my head clear, I looked at the scene with dismay. Upon sneezing, the booth and flowers in my grasp had shot onto ballistic trajectories. Pieces of booth were scattered everywhere, crushing stalls and impaling produce with various flowers. One pony was contorted into a painful looking position, an outline made of roses impaled into the wall behind him, while another had her mouth open in a silent scream of pain at the thorns lodged in her rump. I could only shrink in on myself in embarrassment as everyone turned to look at me. Oops... The pony with the thorns stuck in her flank finally found her voice, cracking with pain as she pointed at me. "Get 'im!" With half the farmer's market chasing after me, I couldn't help but cry a little. I only wanted to see the shiny thing and go to the spa! I just don't know what went wrong. Elsewhere, a grey, blonde-haired pegasus sneezed, unfortunately dropping the anvil she was carrying in the process. Down below, two ponies whose meals had been interrupted by said anvil landing on their table looked up with a glare, pulverized bits of food dripping from their irritated faces. Ditzy Doo could only wring her hooves in embarrassment. "I just don't know what went wrong!" "So why are we checking the farmer's market," Spike questioned as he jogged after Twilight. "Well," Twilight explained. "For one, this is the direction Mew went in. Secondly, if he's not there, hopefully somepony will have seen him." "Huh, yeah, that makes sense," Spike agreed. A moment later, the baby dragon bumped into Twilight's leg as she ground to a halt. "Ow, What gives?" Peering around Twilight's leg, Spike couldn't help but gape at the disarray the market was in. "Holy hay! What happened?" "I don't know Spike," Twilight responded slowly. At that moment, a screaming pink blur sped by, followed closely by a mob of ponies carrying torches, pitchforks, and other farming implements. Whyyyyyy?! Spike looked to Twilight quizzically, pointing a claw down the street. "Was that...?" Twilight nodded, staring incredulously down the street where Mew and the mob had vanished around a corner. "Yup." "Huh." Spike dropped his arm to his side with a nonplussed look. "Shouldn't...shouldn't we do something?" The lavender unicorn jerked, eyes wide. "Oh my gosh, yes!" Taking a deep breath, Twilight quickly formulated a plan. "Spike! I need you to go to the spa and ask Aloe and Lotus Blossom to prepare a Poison Joke treatment bath." Spike nodded, then paused. "What about you?" Twilight drew herself up. "I'm going to try and calm the angry mob." With that, the mare reared up and galloped down the street. Watching Twilight disappear around the corner after the mob, Spike turned his attention back to the wrecked farmer's market. "How'd this even happen?" "Well, it started when the pink thing sneezed and knocked over a cart." Spike looked up to see a red earth pony stallion with teal hair looking at him from a booth. "A sneeze," the baby dragon questioned. "It kinda snowballed from there," the earth pony elaborated. He took on a bemused look. "Never seen anything like it. That sort of thing happen often here?" "Constantly," Spike replied with a bit of exasperation. "Course, usually these things happen on Tuesday." He shrugged. "Anyways, I gotta get going. Gotta tell the spa ponies to make a Poison Joke cure." He turned to leave. "You want a candy bar for the road?," the earth pony offered. "They're all the rage right now." The purple dragon tilted his head in consideration. He was kind of hungry. "Sure. How much?" "Eh, you know what? It's my last one," the vender-pony said. "Have it on the house." He tossed Spike a candy bar in a plastic wrapper. "Huh, thanks." Waving over his shoulder, Spike waddled off, happily munching on his sweet treat as he headed for the spa. "Well?" The vendor-pony turned to see his partner, a black unicorn mare with an orange mane and tail, come up next to him. He smiled cruelly. "Phase one complete. Ready for phase two." The unicorn's smile was just a cruel. "Excellent work Double Dutch." "Thank you, Chastity." It was with a foul demeanor that I left the spa, Twilight and Spike on my heels. "So," Twilight began. "How exactly did you get half of the farmers in Ponyville angry with you?" I grimaced. I don't want to talk about it. Today had not been fun. At all. Between the body change, the power fritz, and the angry mob, I was very, very tired. Twilight opened her mouth. No. "But..." No, I said forcefully. We shall never speak of this again. "Okay, but what about..." Ever! Maybe I was being a bit uncharitable. Honestly, Twilight just wanted to inquire (interrogate more like, a dark part of my mind whispered) about the Mew form I had taken (I didn't even have to do an active mind-read, the questions were that loud). But dang it, I was tired and just wanted to go to bed. She can ask about it later. I'm going home. As I gathered myself to take to the air, Spike voiced a thought. "You know, I've been wondering. How come everypony got so mad with you?" Twilight and I looked at the baby dragon. Seeing our quizzical looks, Spike elaborated. "Well, I mean, Twilight and the others have accidentally destroyed booths at the farmer's market before, but nopony ever got angry enough to form an angry mob." Twilight tilted her head. "Huh, you're right. Maybe everypony was having a bad day," she ventured. I shook my head. Well, whatever the case is, I'm just happy they stopped chasing me. Especially since I didn't want to have to make them do it themselves. Kind of a slippery slope there. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going home. With that, I took to the air. My hammock was calling me. As Mewtwo disappeared into the clouds over the Everfree, Spike's stomach let out a deafening growl. "I'm hungry," he declared, somewhat redundantly. Twilight opened her mouth, only to be interrupted by a similar growl emanating from her own stomach. She blushed. "Well, it is past lunch time. Hayfries sound good?" "Sure thing." Spike followed after Twilight as she trotted down the street, gnawing happily on a rock from one of the spa's saunas. He always did like hayfries.