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// The Only Things You Should Bottle Up are Ships and Food 
// Story: Letters from an Irritated Princess 
// by Tired Old Man 
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Dear Twilight,

I realize that you haven’t been getting much use out of your table map recently, but I’m sure there are better ways to use it than loaning it to the spa. Like tabletops games or eating meals when it’s a table, which I’m sure you’ve done at least once by now.

I knew you weren’t going to use it today since you wrote to me about your little “friendship retreat” (don’t even get me started on this silly jargon for “day off”. I’ve known this kind of language for centuries), but if you’re going to make your table that open to availability when it’s not in use, would it be fine if I borrowed it for a tea party? After it’s been spotlessly cleaned, of course.

Somepony sent me the most adorable teacup poodle today. I’m not sure who sent this little darling into my life — probably somepony that puts a lot of thought into the needs and concerns of others — but when I find out who they are, they can be my guest anytime!

Except potty training is a nightmare. Requesting TP to clean up tea pee is not the best thing to shout down the hallway for a hoofful of confusing reasons. In hindsight, naming it Flush might not have been a clever idea either.

In any case, I could use your table to treat some Saddle Arabian delegates to a cordial brunch tomorrow. And just between you and me, I hear they’re bringing an authentic genie-free magic lamp! You have no idea how much I’ve wanted to own one of those — they’re downright fantastic for storing magical energy and far less fragile and reckless to carry around than, say, a glass bottle.

Of course, there’s always the risk of rubbing it the wrong way and unleashing a massive blood-red maelstrom of hate and malice upon the world, but when has that ever happened before? Or I could just seek anger management counseling again. That’s likely a less cataclysmic option!

Anyway, if you can loan the table, I’d appreciate it greatly. I promise it’ll be intact and returned to your home by the end of the day.

It definitely won’t be soaked with tea pee.

Love,

Celestia

Oh my gosh, sister, you've got to try these nuts!I went down to the Ponyville spa today and the nice masseur there was selling his nuts on the side. He had a big sack of them set aside for personal business, and I just had to get a good look.

Yes, his nuts are bigger than you’d expect. Go on, grab some! There’s plenty of nuts for both of us.

Luna, if you love how they smell, you’ll be married to the taste.

Two at the same time?! Luna, pace yourself! Bulk’s nuts aren’t going anywhere.

Oh, did you know he sells other varieties? Glazed is tempting, but cream-filled ones are heavenly. 

Great! Next time, I’ll grab his Bulky Nutsack. He says it puts a strain on his nuts sometimes, but I’m sure he can put out for us.