Shining Armor sucked in a deep breath, but did not dare to sigh in relief. The gleaming edge of a silver scimitar could be felt along his throat, the strike from the dark just narrowly avoiding an actual cut. When Shining saw the red crystal veins on it, he knew that the miss was on purpose.
Starlight poured through the Canterlot streets, but there was no visible form to pierce the night-dark sky, only a familiar sword gleaming at his throat and the owner, lurking in shadow.
"Are you seriously trying to rob me at swordpoint, Sombra?" All I wanted was a nice visit with my family, Shining thought, not have the world's sassiest nutcase decide to pay me a visit on a late night stroll.
"I am. Now, fork them over."
Shining Armor blinks, deciding to humor the demon. "Fork what over? I have barely any bits on me."
"Exactly. I wouldn't try and hassle somepony if I thought they were carrying a large sum of bits."
"Are you ever going to make sense?"
In the darkness, Shining Armor thought he heard a snort.
"Are you ever going to make sense?" came the scarily perfect mimicry of his voice that made Shining Armor blanched an even paler shade of white than his coat.
"H-How did you do that?"
"Demon magic," Sombra quips, still replicating Shining's voice perfectly.
Looking around for other ponies silhouettes in the peaceful, dark street, Shining was relieved to find that there were none on this particular street and that the sight of him and Sombra together wouldn't be a spectacle, nor would their exchange be relayed to the more gossipy social circles of Canterlot.
"Okay, but could you cut it out?" Shining said, gritting his teeth.
"And what would I get out of it if I did, Glitter Sprinkle?"
For a solid fifteen seconds, that question consumed Shining Armor. What could he offer a morally dubious demon? Should he give in or...?
With a defeated sigh, the white unicorn reached into the small saddlebag at his side. He had hoped the darkness would conceal it from Sombra's eyes, but it was not to be so.
"Here," he said, levitating a modest amount of bits and what looked to be tickets in Sombra's direction.
A crimson aura sparking to life immediately revealed Sombra's hooded form. Though he was still dimly lit and blending in with the murky night hues of the street, his eyes, wide with intrigue gleamed in the dark as he snatched up the prize.
"Your begrudging donation to my insanity and superior lifestyle is much appreciated."
Shining Armor stared at him tiredly, wondering how he could make even the tone of his voice sound as if it were smirking too.
"However..." Sombra's aura waved the slips of paper about in front of Shining's eyes. "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with these."
"They're coupons," Shining Armor said tiredly. "You can get free pizza with them."
Sombra frowned. "I already do that."
"You can get free pizza legally using those," Shining Armor corrected.
"You realize that most laws are more like guidelines, don't you? As long as you can defend your position against them and secure whatever it is that you seek as well as manage a proper escape, tell me just who's going to stop you?"
Immediately opening his mouth to protest, Shining Armor found himself cut off by a smug wave of the demon's hoof.
"I mean, really, if I can get away with arson, theft, and harassment in the same day while jaywalking on my merry way back to my residence of choice then what exactly are your mediocre laws and supposed enforcement accomplishing when I'm still only just not considered the most wanted entity to still walk the planet?"
"When could you have gotten away with all those things in the same day?!"
"Today," Sombra said flatly. "But I'm still a bit confused over what it is you think I'll end up doing with these 'coupons' since I literally get what I want in terms of pizza simply by abusing power."
"There's free soda too. Don't you like soda?"
"No."
"Breadsticks?"
"No."
"Uhh... those little mints by the cash register?"
"You aren't even trying to convince me to use lawful means to obtain the edible salvation that is pizza anymore, are you? Plus, those suckers are free. Everypony knows that."
Sombra smugly watched as Shining Armor facehoofed. "It's after midnight, Sombra, sane ponies would usually be in bed, and the only reason that I'm walking to a twenty four hour pizza place at this hour is because-"
"Pink One put you on a diet."
"She told you?!" Shining Armor didn't notice that Sombra had snatched the coupons back, stuffing them into some interior pocket of his cloak.
"No, but you did."
Sombra's ears pricked forward to catch the sound of a groan and another facehoof. "I hate you, Sombra."
"You're not my type, anyway. And you're married, so even if I had no standards were, you're safe."
"Wait, you-"
"I'm not like you're little sister, one Miss Bilight Sparkle, if that's what you're asking, but I suggest that you head back home to mummy and daddy's house and you can forget that this ever happened. Won't that be nice?"
"Urgh, your condescending asshole behavior actually has a point this time, doesn't it?"
"When doesn't it?"
"...You know what? I'm not going to answer that one."
Sombra shook his head, and it was impossible to miss the shining white teeth revealed by his smirk. Shining knew, even in his weary state, that Sombra had fangs, but some unspoken rule led to the fact that Sombra disguised his fangs - for what reason, he didn't know - outside of the few occasions Shining saw him. It wasn't something he pressed either. Or questioned - Shining thought it was best not to question Sombra or try to understand what he did. Sombra was crazy, end of story.
"What is your brilliant plan now, Captain? I have my prize and there's nothing that you can do about it. So are you off to wallow in the fact that Pink One of all ponies has you on a diet that you have resigned yourself to?"
Looking down to the ground instantly, Shining began to attempt mumbling out a proper excuse. "Well, you see... Uh... Okay... So... Don't you normally just talk to ponies about how wonderful you are and bizarre your species is?"
"Sometimes. What's it to you?"
Shining gave a long sigh. "I wish I was anywhere but with you, okay? You're a nutcase and I'm not even sure if I can begin to describe the headaches I get around you and just how... urgh, 'abnormal' is the only word I can think of this late... the things you say are."
"Do you really think that attempting to bore me to death with your whining is going to make me pity you and give you a slice of pizza?"
"I'm so exhausted I might just beg at your hooves for it."
Sombra blinked and looked down at the shorter stallion. "Glitter Sprinkle, you are by far one of the most pathetic things to ever walk the world. Your candy golem of a wife is still less yellow than you are and she is made of candy some bloke enchanted and stuck a slightly pretty wig on-"
"What are we even talking about anymore?"
"So, if you didn't interrupt me I might actually not tell Mac about just how downright obnoxious your behavior has been and that you were out past midnight with a cloaked stallion-"
"Gods - you excluded, of course - you'd really try to imply that, Sombra?! That's low! it doesn't even make sense! I'm-"
"I know, I know. The sheer amount of heterosexuality that you radiate is actually somewhat annoying. I could break into your bedroom and write 'I'm gay' on you in your own blood and I'm sure that somewhere in the universe a planet would implode just because of how straight you are and by morning that message would read 'I'm straight' by its will alone."
"What even..."
"It'd be all your fault too. Even your wife isn't as straight as you."
"Oh gods, I have literally no idea about what's even happening anymore."
Sombra snorted. "Really? I wouldn't have guessed. But in all seriousness, I wasn't even sure that it was possible for anything to be as straight as you were."
"Are you harassing me?" Shining Armor asked incredulously. "For being straight? Who would harass a pony for something like that? Better yet, why would you harass somepony in the majority of a demographic? That generally goes against the very concept of what harassment even is."
"Damn, you are thinking way too hard about this. I'm definitely never going to invite you to any parties."
Shining Armor's half-glazed stare was a silent signal to Sombra that the Crystal Prince had absolutely lost his marbles.
All of them.
"You see, harassment is just the bullying of somepony - usually somepony in a minority or the odd pony out - up to eleven."
"I never would have guessed."
"So the fact that you are attempting to harass me for being straight despite no longer taking violent action against me makes no sense."
"You're sort of a tragedy on some existential level, aren't you?" Sombra tossed a lock of his mane that was protruding from his hood back under the fabric, and engulfed his entire sword in a flash of magic so that the blade was reduced to a very menacing dagger which he began to pick his teeth with while leaning on a nearby wall and slyly taking in the sight of the ranting unicorn pony.
"Not to mention that I'm pretty sure that you count as a minority since you're the last of your kind. That means that I should be the one harassing you."
"You and everypony else. Now, do go on. It isn't like I have anywhere better to be at three in the morning."
"So, Sombra, all your actions this night are completely illogical."
"The very slight implication that you stalk me - as false as it is - and the fact that you're suggesting that I be harassed by you is the very definition of racist. Demon racist."
"And that's why you're a complete nutcase!" Shining Armor declared, standing as straight as he could with all the proudness one could muster at the hour.
"The relation between you and your sister is painfully obvious. Was your entire family just dumped down this mountain to give all the offspring from the time of this nation's founding to the unknown future all the brain damage that anypony could ever want and more? If I weren't talking about ponies the sheer amount of just how unethical that is would almost be surprising."
Shining Armor blinked his eyes tiredly, whipping his head in either direction as surprise and confusion dominated his features. "W-Wait? What was I doing? Oh gods, what time is it? Why do I feel like I'm almost hungover? Just what has-"
Sombra smirked widely. "You were telling me just how much you loved me with all your heart and how you'd do anything for me and go to the end of the world just please me because the undying love you have for me demands it."
"I hate you."
"Ooh, are you mad? What do you think scrunching your muzzle at me is going to do? Come on, what are you gonna do? I literally just robbed you."
"Shit," Shining Armor hissed.
Sombra poked his dagger in the prince's direction. "Do tell me what you're going to do, after all, I only have eternity to wait for an answer. So what's it going to be? You going to throw your wife at me again, huh? Is that what this is going to boil down to?"
Shining Armor brought a hoof to his face both so he could facehoof and to disguise his completely masculine defeated sobs in the most eloquent way possible.
"You have no idea how much I wish that the Crystal Heart killed you and your summoner."
Sombra tensed up at the mention of a summoner but otherwise remained undaunted by the less than pathetic attempts to insult him. "Wishing for things rarely ever gets you what you want - and even if your wish is granted, it's usually in every way you never wanted it to be. I'd add something like 'wouldn't you say so' to that, but it's clear that you're beyond any coherent responses and that most discussions that we have that won't be entirely dominated by ego and cruel desire to see you humiliate yourself on oh-so-many levels along with my better judgement is telling me otherwise."
"You no-good son of a bitch," Shining hissed through gritted teeth, exhaustion giving him a slightly feral demeanor.
Sombra only chuckled mirthlessly. "'No-good' I am, but a son of a bitch? Demon. No parents. I'm a bastard and we both know it. All demons are bastards. Demons are a lot like wishes too, in a very ironic way. I mean, look at you. You're disgusting. Creatures like you have to attempt to claw their way to what they believe is true irony. But me? I was created ironic. I am irony itself. But you? You're scum."
A choked noise died in Shining Armor's throat. "...I-I think I'll just go home now."
"That's right, run crying back to your mother and write about how awful I am in your diary while some of Mac's edgy music plays in the background. All this will be a futile attempt to fill the void in your soul, whoreson."
Shining Armor gulped a shaky breath of air, threw up a forehoof in a clear 'I'm done' gesture and began to walk back the way he came.
"Oh, and say hi to your wife for me, you filthy piece of ponyflesh!"