//------------------------------// // Proper Literature Appreciation. // Story: Rainbow Dash and the Shameless Self-Insert // by Wise Cracker //------------------------------// "Gotta find it gotta find it gotta find it..." Rainbow Dash landed near the water reservoir where she and her crew had filled up the tank again. If her novel had landed here, there may have been some water damage, but better that than to let anyone read it. She had to be sure, though, and she had to get it before- "Hey, Rainbow." "Gah!" For the second time that day, Rainbow Dash made a perfect vertical take-off, this time followed by a rigid four-point landing. If Spitfire had seen it, she'd have been impressed. Laughing her tail off, most likely, but impressed, nonetheless. "Hey, Twilight. What's going on?" "Oh, nothing, just checking the water reservoir again. What are you doing here?" Rainbow gritted her teeth. "I uh... you know that novel I've been working on?" "The one about a mare who becomes Wonderbolt Captain and just happens to be named Rainbow Dash?" That got Rainbow's nose curling. "It's Rainbow Flash, Twilight, not Rainbow Dash. Big difference. But yeah, that one." "What about it?" Rainbow groaned. "I accidentally packed it in my bag this morning and I lost it somewhere over Ponyville. So now I'm retracing my steps. Or my flaps, I guess." Twilight smiled, her ears perking up. "Oh, well, I'll be sure to keep an eye out for it." She looked up at Rainbow and gasped. "Wait, am I in it?" Rainbow Dash had to stop herself from gasping in turn. That attitude of acting before thinking was really turning out to be a pain today. "Err..." "Or is it somepony who just has a name that sounds like mine?" Twilight asked coyly. Rainbow Dash looked away. She realised what risk she was taking now, and it didn't sit well with her, not one bit. "Kinda?" Twilight, now unfortunately enthused by the prospect, squeed. "So what do I do in the story? You know, just in case I find it. Do I have a likeable character?" "Umm..." "Tinkle, this isn't funny!" Rainbow Flash exclaimed, wriggling against the restraints. The lavender alicorn smirked. "I know it's not, that's why I'm doing it. Since you can't seem to grasp the learning material using any basic methods, the advanced ones are in order. And that includes assuming proper unicorn literature appreciation position." Rainbow grunted. Proper unicorn literature appreciation position, as it turned out, was hind hooves bound to a gravitationally enhanced pair of boots, waistline locked into a desk not unlike a baby's high chair, and elbows and wings locked against her sides. Last but not least, a mechanical arm driven by unicorn magic held her head down, so she couldn't look away from the pages. Rainbow Flash had often wondered about Tinkle's strange fascination for bondage, hypnosis and mind control, even latex. Primarily, she'd never figured out if such interests were a typical unicorn thing or if that was just Tinkle. Knowing this was what unicorns once considered a normal school routine for their young, today was proving a very enlightening experience indeed. It did not, however, make the required learning any easier. "Okay, then, the first Wonderbolt squad was formed when?" "About a thousand years ago?" Rainbow said. Tinkle grunted. "Right after Princess Luna's banishment is the correct answer, Rainbow. That's the answer the Wonderbolts are expecting." "How would you know?" "It's in the history books!" "Yeah, the new ones. I had history in school, Princess Luna wasn't covered in any of my classes. How do you know the Wonderbolts are even using the new books?" Rainbow tried to get her head up, but the claw holding her down wouldn't budge. "Well, umm... I'm sure Princess Celestia had them updated. Now, next question: when was the first crisis that made our Princesses realise they needed a separate aerial unit?" "Err... tribal wars?" "The fall of the Crystal Empire, Rainbow! Come on, don't tell me you can't even remember the most basic of historic facts! You can't be that dumb." Rainbow hissed under her breath. The chair holding her creaked as her whole body tensed against its hold. Shady Tinkle recoiled. "Oh, I-I'm sorry, Rainbow, I didn't mean to... it just slipped, honest." Rainbow took a deep breath to steady her pounding heart. Her ears twitched, and there was a dull ache in her lungs that she hoped would go away, lest she start crying. "Get me out of this thing." "But you need to study." Rainbow snorted. "Get me out, please? I can't... I can't breathe, Tinkle. I can't think. This is useless." A nod and some gestures with the horn later, and Rainbow was free. "Thanks. I can take it from here." "But Rainbow, you're not ready." "No. And I probably won't be. But at least I tried." She let her head hang. "This whole studying thing, I can't do it. I couldn't do it in High School, I couldn't do it in Slightly Higher School, I couldn't do it in Ground-Level School. And Flight School... I've had failure knock on my door often enough to recognise the sound." She winced in pain and wriggled her wings as she strode past. "And it's knocking again now. If the best studying method known to unicorns can't get me to learn even simple stuff like Crystal Empire history... even if it is history that only got rewritten, what, last spring?" "At least two seasons ago, yes." "Well, if even that doesn't work on me, then nothing will. Thanks anyway, I'm gonna go fly around some more, and go study at home. Maybe the words will stop dancing once I've had some exercise." Likeable character? A pony who's got an unhealthy interest in tying her friends up and trying to control their lives? Oh, geez. That was just one episode, too. "No!" Rainbow cried out. "D'I mean, err, you really shouldn't read it, it's not finished yet. It's not fit for publishing yet, and I don't want you to hurt your head reading something that, umm, unfinished," Rainbow said, already hovering over the ground. A look of genuine awe passed over Twilight's face then. "Wow, publishing? You're thinking about publishing already? Gosh, Rainbow, you are brave. I've had all the opportunities to write my own work, but I'd never work up the courage to publish it. I'll head back to the castle and look up my detection spell. Simple scroll detection can't be that hard." Rainbow Dash smiled sheepishly. "Thanks. I appreciate the help, but umm, if you do find it, please don't read it? It's pretty bad, first draft and all." "I understand," Twilight said with a nod. "If I find it, I'll respect your privacy. And if you need any help with writing more of it, you know you can always ask me." "Yeah. I know. It's been getting harder and harder to work on it, too." "Well, if you need somepony to pin you down until you get it done, you know you can ask me, too," She said, winking. "Us unicorns have some very good ways of getting the academic stuff done. And hey, alicorns are even better, right?" Rainbow felt the blood drain from her face. Good thing Rarity wasn't around, because at this rate she'd get dragged into some kind of spa treatment, most likely. "Gotta go." Without another word, she was off. Twilight pondered aloud as her friend flew off towards town. "Hmm. Maybe Rainbow Dash isn't the best pony to subject to unicorn literature. She wouldn't last two seconds in those restraints." Rainbow scoured the streets around the Writer's Guild, desperately looking for her manuscript. Thankfully, she'd gotten there when the rainclouds were on their mandatory refractory period, so only her hooves were getting wet. When nothing turned up, she finally decided to bite the proverbial bullet and go in. "Has anypony seen my novel?" she asked the room. "I, umm, I misplaced it. Somepony might have brought it here by mistake." As one, the mass of nerdlings, eggheads, and myopics turned to her. One pointdexter of a mare, a dark and gloomy type who was either very happy with the dark clouds around the premises or never happy at all, it was hard to tell, looked up from her papers and shrugged. "Maybe; we've had a few editing requests today. What's your story about?" Just as she said it, she drew a red line through a part of the text she was reading. Then another one. And another one. Then she flipped the page and, scrunching her nose, drew a diagonal line through the whole page. Whoever had been writing that one wasn't getting good marks, from the looks of it. "Err, it's about the Wonderbolts?" The raven-haired mare smiled. "Oh, so it's children's fiction. Well, we have gotten a couple of those. Ponies bring all sorts of stuff here for editing. What's your demographic?" Rainbow furrowed her brow, thinking. "Umm..." At this point, the mare realised she was dealing with a neophyte, and started speaking more slowly. "Okay, what's your plot about? Your storyline? Any specific details?" Strange how, after months of working on it, it only now dawned on Rainbow Dash that what she'd been writing was a little bit on the corny side. "It's about a mare who becomes Captain of the Wonderbolts. You know, moving up the ranks." The mare looked to her colleagues, then shook her head. "No, we haven't gotten any wish fulfillment fiction lately. We'd remember getting that under our noses." "Great. Then it's really lost." "Possibly. But trust me, if it is, it's for the best. You're better off without that kind of thing lying around." Rainbow winced. "Really?" "Sure. I mean, who wants to read about some Hairy Stew that everypony loves and is super awesome at everything?" a burgundy stallion said. "You're a first-timer, right? You should never publish your first work; it always sucks." That remark shocked her more than any lightningbolt ever had. "Oh. Really? It's that bad? Like, always?" "Yup. Lavender unicorn syndrome, too many 'said'-isms, a lot of ponies don't even know what the colour lavender is, can you believe that?" declared a unicorn mare, who happened to have the exact same colour of coat as a certain aromatic plant that favours arid environments, but shall remain nameless for the time being. "Uhuh. So you haven't seen my novel, then? You're absolutely sure nopony brought it in? I kinda want it back for editing. Or, you know, to get rid of it." The stallion nodded. "Positive. And hey, don't worry about it: writing is serious business. Nothing but the best is good enough. You can't be expected to get good at it just overnight. If you ever need any help from ponies who know their stuff, just ask. The Guild is always ready to help, especially when it's somepony famous like the great Rainbow Dash. If anypony brings it in, we'll be sure to get it to you first." So they did know it was her. Great, now the whole town knew she'd written a novel. And someone would find it, eventually, most likely read it, too. And her friends would hear about it. And, unlike the story, she'd never hear the end of it. "Okay, thanks anyway." With a dejected sigh, she took off, homeward. All that effort she'd put into her first story, and it sucked. No matter what she might do, it would suck. If the Writer's Guild said so, it had to be true. She wasn't even a real writer. Her novel was lost. And everyone would hate her for it. "I guess I deserved that."