//------------------------------// // She Likes to Elope // Story: How To Raise Your Moon // by Pen Mightier //------------------------------// Some say it was built by an earth pony to reach a muffin-shaped cloud.  Some say it was the result of some great ritual to bake the first ever meringue that, predictably, went tragically wrong. Some even say it was the result of a Pinkie party so rad that not a single soul remembers what the hay happened. Or in the immortal words of Turnip Hayseed, ‘see that? That there’s wut happens when them pegasi folk shit bricks. Lots’o’dem’. Nopony really knows why the Ponyville Weather Guild’s headquarters is a great big cloud stuck on top of an old brick tower. My theory? I think somepony, in true pegasus fashion, just crashed a cloud into the tower. The weather ponies just don’t wanna admit their headquarters was some sort of classic pegasus accident. No matter how it came to be, it all turned out pretty convenient for the Weather Guild’s earth pony customers. Considering the guild serves Ponyville, that made it pretty much all their customers. It has certainly removed the need to shout and throw pebbles to get an appointment with the pegasi which I hear is still tradition for other weather pony guilds serving earthbound settlements. Apparently that fact alone has made the Ponyville Weather Guild a very attractive place to work, especially for pegasi who prefer not having to dodge overenthusiastically soaring bricks all day. Earth ponies throw hard. From a distance you could see why the mish mash of pegasus and earth pony architecture had earned it the fond nickname, ‘the Candy Floss’. But as you step off the street and into its shadow, you begin to appreciate the whole disaster theme going on. You can hear the tension in the network of anchor cables stretching from the ground to grip the cloud station’s ring of ballast tanks. You can feel the stuttering of the old clock tower’s machinery driving the wooden signal arms that sent weather orders up and down the chain of semaphore clouds stretching across Ponyville airspace. You can taste your lunch rise up in protest as the whole tower lurches in the wind. The inside is roomy and airy with plenty of tall windows flooding the tower with natural light, just the way pegasi like it. Aged wood and squeaky weather vanes creaked in the whistling wind. The whole place smelled of fresh rain, crisp spring and feather oil, a strange tang that really wakes you up like a cold morning in a forest. In the wide central shaft above us pegasi moved cloud-trolleys laden with weather jars between hovering cloud workshops. The centre of the ground floor lobby was dominated by a miniature model of Ponyville, the surrounding farmlands and the Everfree Forest. Little weather request notes were pinned to areas around Ponyville, most of them dotted about the farmlands. Above them floated real life miniature clouds with coloured wispy arrows and labels marking what I guessed were winds and other complicated weather stuff. A few were even labelled with names. You’d be surprised but just as earth ponies and unicorns have names for hills, streets and rivers, pegasi have names for the bigger more permanent clouds and jet streams. For example, there’s ‘Dash Was Here’, ‘Twenty Gazillion Percent Cooler’, ‘That One That Looks Like The Fastest Pony Ever’, and ‘Dash Was Here Too’. We found ourselves sitting on two of those funny swively office chairs that had been pushed up next to the model map. Peewee had decided to make himself a nest in Luna’s kerchief. Traitor. Rainbow, meanwhile, sat opposite us in a comfy cloud chair, part of her own cloud office that had been brought down to ground level for our meeting. On one corner of her cloud desk was something very much out of place; a clean space surrounding a sleek metronome carved in the form of a contrabass, engraved with a stylized treble-clef. The rest of her desk was very Dash, a graveyard of towering paper tombstones where forsaken forms go to die. I couldn’t help but stare at the rainbow waterfalls streaming out from the edges of her desk. Rainbow was never one for subtlety. Or formalities like these, come to think of it. Maybe she felt she had to make an impression on the Countess? Well, whatever formal setting she had planned had been slightly ruined by the random plasma ball sitting atop her desk, one of Luna’s spoils of war gifts she had decided to keep. I didn’t mind much, as long as it knew not to add to the already strained relationship I had with that pesky pillow. The ball certainly had no trouble attracting mares of its own, namely two of the weather pegasi, Blossomforth and Clear Skies. Blossomforth seemed content with studying it from afar, while Clear Skies had taken a more pony approach, sniffing it curiously. Her nose must have brushed the plasma ball as a spark lit up and tickled her nose. “My nose! What evil has it done to my poor violated nose?!” She cried, rolling on the floor while clutching her poor violated nose. “How does it do that?” Blossomforth frowned, her face distorting as she peered at us through the ball. “What? Violate my poor nose?” Poor Clear Skies squeaked. “No, this.” Blossomforth said, poking the ball, raising a spark of light to meet her hoof. “Oh, it’s something about stuff rubbing against the air inside the ball, creating heat and light.” I dug up one of Twi’s old lectures that somehow stuck inside my skull, “Twi built one when we were kids, but the neighbours kinda got upset when they realized she was using their cat to power it. I mean, it was all natural and green and stuff. Especially the cat.” “So it works with air friction, kinda like lightning.” Blossomforth nodded. “And I guess the bolts ‘strike’ when you touch the ball because ponies are better at conducting lightning than air.” “Eggheads.” Rainbow muttered under her breath. “I guess airheads don’t conduct much between their ears for the same reason.” Blossomforth muttered, giving Rainbow a dirty look. “Says the pony who forgot just who signs her paycheck.“ Rainbow growled back. “I’m not the one who’s about to bet everything on a prissy noble filly, wings or no!” Blossomforth hissed back at Rainbow in a voice she probably thought wouldn’t carry past the desk. The dozen or so weather mares behind her whispered and nodded at each other in quiet agreement. Why do I have a bad feeling Luna is the prissy noble filly they’re not so hot on betting on? “Ix-nay on the upid-stay!” Rainbow hissed back. Her attempt at stealthily gesturing at us with her eyes might have worked if ponies didn’t have such massive eyes. “Who you callin’ upid-stay?!” Blossomforth growled. There certainly was enough friction between the two to set off a lightning bolt or two. I could tell from the burning glares that they were one cheap jab away from graduating to a playground scuffle. Something had the pegasi on edge. Something big. “So, what’s up, Rainbow?” I quickly asked before the two could find a sandbox to throw sand at each other with. “Oh.” Rainbow blinked at me, as if just remembering there’s a dragon in the room. “Well, uh, we can wait ‘till she’s ready. No rush.” She nodded at the pegasus spinning round and round in the swively chair next to me. “Oh.” Luna gave a sheepish little pony squee as she spun past. “Sorry. I may have...” She added on her second lap. “...lost the brakes somewhere.” She said as she returned for her third. “Sparks, can you…?” She trailed off into another spin. “....help me stop…?” She pleaded as she spun away again. “...the spinning of the world…?” She waved a forehoof at me on her next pass. “...pretty please?” I chuckled, pressing a palm into the seat of her chair to slow it to a squeaky stop...facing the wrong way. “Hmm, the world is facing the wrong way.” She frowned, bouncing her flanks in a very spirited attempt to turn the chair. The eyes of the other pegasi followed said flanks up and down. Many pairs of wings slowly rose to full span as the chair squeaked and rocked in protest. “Could you please lend me a hoof with my hindquarters, Sparks?” Luna seemed disappointed in her tush for not having any brakes. “I could do it all day, Meepy.” I dutifully aimed her hindquarters the right way around. She gave me a little smile of gratitude in return. The others in the room groaned in protest for some reason. “Wow, a real gentlecolt.” Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Anyway, business, business, business.” She steepled her forehooves on the desk in front of her. She eyed us both over the tips of her forehooves with a look that was surprisingly serious for Dash. Whatever this is, it’s gotta be big. “So, you two’re eloping, huh?” She finally asked with all the delicacy of a hydra riding a Wonderbolt dizzytron. Wow. Subtle, Dash. Real subtle. Blossomforth simply buried her face in her forehoof in despair. I swear there’s no difference between talking and crash-landing when it comes to Rainbow Dash. “Phwee.” Peewee nodded, as if answering for us. Not helping, Peewee! “It does make it sound so much more naughty when you put it that way.” Luna giggled into a forehoof. Not helping either, Meepy! “Heh, it’s about time, really.” Rainbow went on before I could explain that all we did was sleep together. Not that she would’ve listened. Rainbow has a habit of latching onto whatever she thinks is ‘awesome’ and stubbornly running with it no matter what. “Well, I’m not talking about you finally getting laid, though that’s long past overdue too. Congrats, by the way.” Why do I feel kinda annoyed being congratulated? And why is Meepy doing her wind-up toy impression again? Please don’t dwell on what she says. No, really, please don’t. “I’m talking about setting things straight with Twi.” Rainbow went on. “She’s my best friend, honest. But she’s gone so ‘Smartypants’ over this whole ‘worldwide friendship’ business that she’s lost sight of her real friends.” Rainbow dropped the quotation marks with a gesture of her forehooves. Huh, trust Rainbow to put it the way it is, no matter how blunt. “And we all know ol’ Egghead doesn’t learn nothin’ until the big ‘friendship lesson’ is stuck on her horn in writing.” She sighed, shaking her head ruefully. “So don’t feel bad, ‘kay, Squirt? You two can use some space for a while. This is for the best, for both you and Twilight. Trust me.” “Uh...thanks, I guess?” I said, uncertain. When Rainbow Dash is suddenly the voice of reason, you know things have gone completely Tirek. “No problem. Now, elopin’ ain’t easy. The good news is, you two have already cleared step one.” Rainbow grinned. “Escaping unnecessary attention?” I muttered, raising an eyebrow. “Meeting your elopin’ manager, me.” Rainbow put on her trademark smug grin. “Now, as your elopin’ manager, I gotta make sure the two of you make it through the rest of the thirty four steps.” She said, carving a circle into her cloud desk with a wing tip before carefully labelling it ‘eel-up’. “Spelling it right would be a start.” Blossomforth grumbled, earning her a glare from her boss. More importantly, Rainbow, why are you an eloping manager? Why are you my eloping manager? Why am I eloping to begin with? “Eloping sure has changed much with times.” Luna nodded, looking fiercely attentive. “Please guide us, O’ master.” She gave Rainbow an exaggerated little bow. Blossomforth and the other pegasi couldn’t decide whether to gape at Luna’s gullibility or how rapidly Rainbow’s head was bloating up. Luna, why are you encouraging the eloping manager? “I’ll have you two elopin’ laps around Ponyville in ten seconds flat!” Rainbow pushed one of her many Wonderbolt figurines into the circle, presumably to represent Luna. As for me, she put down a...why am I a little green pencil?! Why does that feel like a subtle insult for some reason? Couldn’t I be something cool like a...a stapler or something?! “Now, the thing about eloping is, it’s like a cello.” Rainbow placed her contrabass-shaped metronome in the centre of the circle. “It’s loud?” Luna suggested.   “Everypony keeps thinking it’s a cello when it’s really just a contrabass?” I raised an eyebrow. “Exactly! It’s all fancy and glamorous, everypony likes the sound of it, but nopony knows what it actually is or how ponies are meant to play it. It’s also very expensive.” Rainbow explained. You mean you don’t know what a contrabass actually is. “First things first.” Rainbow dropped a shipping box on top of the pencil and figurine. “We’ll be hiding under a cardboard box?” Luna asked, ears twitching curiously.  “We’re being shipped….to outer Zebrica?” I read out the address label on the cardboard box. “No, we gotta make sure you two have a roof over your heads, duh.” Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Do you two even have a place to stay?” “Yeah, we’re staying at the new library.” I said. “Twi gave it to me for my birthday.” “Huh, guess ol’ egghead didn’t see that coming,” Rainbow chuckled, “Good. Awesome to hear you two at least have a little love nest going on. Which means you’re gonna need these.” She dropped a string of square plastic wrappers in the circle. “It’s massively important you two don’t put any buns in the oven until you’re properly settled,” she said, to collective facehoofs from the other pegasi. “What does bubblegum have to do with buns and ovens?” I frowned, eyeing the wrappers. “Itsh strawbewwy flavowed.” Luna said, chewing enthusiastically on the contents of one. “The bubblesh shaw be glowious!” She cheered around the big pink bubble she had blown. It was surprisingly resilient, growing bigger and bigger and bigger into a proper balloon. Many pairs of pegasus eyes eyed the bubble with the sort of fear normally saved for the end of the world or a friendship report deadline. “On second thoughts, I don’t think either of you are going to have a problem with buns or ovens.” Rainbow murmured, eye twitching at the sight of the balloon growing dangerously large. “Actually, I kinda think you’ve got another problem altogether.” I gave Rainbow a quizzical eyebrow. The balloon chose that moment to take wing, burping long and hard as it flew away from Luna. It didn’t help that it was followed by a very excited warcry, “The strawberry-flavoured balloon takes flight!” “Uh, forget I said anything. Like, please. Pretty please.” Rainbow said over the embarrassing sound of an escaping balloon whizzing around the room. We all watched as the balloon crash-landed on the map, some with more disbelief than others. “I will.” Luna gave Rainbow a nod, her playful smile suddenly full of mischief. “Because that won’t be enough, unless you find one that size.” She nodded at the deflated balloon draped limply atop the miniature of Mount Canterlot. Many pegasi jaws met the floor, their blushing cheeks turning them a uniform color of red, their eyes darting between the miniature capital and me. “Won’t be enough? That looks like enough bubblegum to build the mother of all rubber ducks.” I pointed out the wrappers strewn on the desk. “Strawberry-flavoured rubber ducks~” Luna nodded, smiling a purely innocent smile up at me. Many pairs of eyebrows twitched dangerously at her smile. I couldn’t help but wonder what’s eatin’ the pegasi. “W-w-we don’t need the mother of all C-Canterlot-sized rubber d-ducks.” Rainbow cleared her throat loudly as she pulled the plastic wrappers out of Luna’s reach. “Aw, I was just joking.” Luna grinned, a tiny bit of her tongue poking out. “It’s not that small,” she added with an evil little smile of pure mischief. The pegasi’s collective blush raised a large puff of steam into the air above their heads. “Gotcha.” Luna winked at them. I was just trying to figure out why she was giggling when it began to spread and infect the rest of the pegasi. Just like that, the tension amongst the pegasi seemed to just melt away. It was quickly replaced by little smiles and whispers of approval. I overheard a few snippets of ‘...so naughty, I like her.’, ‘...too cool for a noble.’ and ‘...fit in the team’ Whatever it was she did, it seemed to have won over the pegasi. Even Blossomforth who seemed most disapproving of her seemed to have been mollified by Luna’s endearing giggles. What’s more, Luna seemed to be honestly enjoying herself, tail swaying excitedly. Rainbow grinned widely, noticing Luna’s little victory over her weather mares. “Heh, well, that certainly makes it easier to bring up the next part.” She dropped a bag of what sounded like cold hard bits inside the ‘elope circle’. She just keeps lots of those around to show off, doesn’t she? “I betcha you two don’t have much in the way of cold hard bits, amirite?” “That depends. How much are you betting?” Luna asked with a playful grin. “Hahah! She just gets better and better, Spike.” Rainbow laughed. “I know Ms. Moneybags owns a bank and all that hay. But getting any pocket money out of the pot in a pinch is a real pain in the flank, right?” Luna gave a little nod in reply, seemingly interested in seeing where Rainbow was going with this. I couldn’t help but share her curiosity. “Great!” Rainbow suddenly exclaimed. “Well, you being a penniless bum isn’t exactly great. But that’s where your friendly neighbourhood Dash comes in. You need bits. I need anypony with a pair of wings and plenty of guts. The pay’s good. It’s fifteen bits a day for part-time ponies. Plus you enjoy all the cool weather patrol privileges including, y’know, working for somepony real awesome.” “You’re offering me a job?” Luna blinked, the twitch in her ears and the swish in her tail betraying her excitement at the prospect. The rest of the weather mares all nodded enthusiastically. Wait, is this what they were all opposed to at the start? And what did they mean by betting everything on Luna? “Wait a sec.” I quickly butted in before Luna could jump the gun. “What’s the job, Rainbow?” “What? Can’t the Element of Loyalty help out a friend in need?” Rainbow rolled her eyes at me. Blunt as hay. “Okay, okay, fine, I’ll level with ya. I do wanna help you two, honest, but there’s also a teensy weensy little problem you two can help me with.” She nodded at both of us. “Remember that storm last night?” Do I ever. “Well, y’see, this freak thunderstorm jumped us. Blew in right out of the Everfree, like wham!” Rainbow waved a wing, magically whipping up a miniature black thundercloud that crackled into being above the map. Luna tensed up at the sparking and spitting miniature thundercloud. I felt a touch of worry creep in as I looked between her and the cloud. “Now, what I’m about to tell you two is totally top secret, you with me?” Rainbow waited for me to nod in agreement before continuing. “The thunderstorm’s actually a twitterstorm, made up of the mother of all twittermite hives. They all came swarmin’ us because somepony...." She shot Blossomforth and the rest of the pegasi behind her dirty looks. "...somehow managed to leave those faulty-as-hay clouds full of jam we received from the Cloudsdale Weather Factory everywhere." "Actually, it's pecan," Blossomforth corrected, irritably, “There was even a flash mob song about it yesterday.” "It's a flocking disaster! That's what it is!" Rainbow snapped. "We busted a gut putting away half of those jam clouds upstairs before the rest were overrun by those bugs. Ponyville is hosting the Starkindle Festival tonight and instead of stars we're gonna have jammy clouds full of twittermites all over!" "...pecan..." Blossomforth mumbled, kicking a hoof. "And every single pegasus in town's grounded today because of the no-drinkin'-and-flyin'-for-24-hours policy Twilight’s hung over our heads." Rainbow threw her forehooves up in the air in defeat. “Even the ones who were meant to be on duty today.” She shot the pegasi behind her another dark look. “...was just one maretini.” Clear Skies grumbled under her breath. “Not my fault the posh ponies gave away tons of fancy booze for free.” “I’d clear the skies over Ponyville myself in ten seconds flat, no problem. Problem is Ponyville is immediately downwind of that twitterstorm.” Rainbow flapped her wing again, whipping up a wispy red arrow on the map, pointed right at Ponyville. “The storm clouds would quickly pile up over Ponyville again if we don’t clear out that hive. And ol’ Egghead just upped and left to Snoot-Central, leaving everything to me. Again.” She dragged a forehoof across her face in the most painful facehoof ever. “It’s the Cloudsdale Weather Factory and their usual horseapples. They’re out to get us, I just know it! They probably think Mayor Mare will fork over a private weather contract their way if we buck this up! Well, guess what?! I’m going to blow’em away and show them exactly why we’re still an independent weather guild!” “In short, you need all the pegasi you can get to clear the sky in time for the festival.” I summed up for her. “Yep. I especially need somepony who stands a chance at keeping up with me. Somepony like you.” She nodded at Luna. “So, how’s about it? Ready to kick some thunder butt and help our thestral buddies celebrate their big festival thing, honorary weather mare?” Rainbow gave Luna an expectant grin. The awkward silence from the smaller pegasus didn’t go unnoticed. Rainbow’s grin slowly turned into a worried frown. “Uh, hay, Equestria to Her Grace-y-ness?” She waved a forehoof at Luna. “You okay?” To most, she would seem ‘okay’, if uncomfortably silent. But I recognized that impassive stare; She was struggling to keep something in. “Sona.” I reached out to her. Her withers trembled under my touch. Her forehoof shakily sought out my claw behind the desk. I felt the shivering of that little pegasus hiding beneath a sodden tablecloth to escape the thunderstorm. I could hear the suit of armour’s hollow echo in my ears as it fell to the bottom of my deep, dark dragon cave. ‘She won’t need to fight. She won’t need to get hurt...She’ll be better off. I promise.’ My claw met her hesitant hoof and gave her the most reassuring squeeze I could muster. Mine. Protect. Luna’s grip on my claw tightened as she took a deep breath, as if gathering what courage she could. “I’ll do…” She was just about to answer when I spoke for her. “Sorry, I don’t think we can help, Rainbow.” I said, firmly. I saw Luna peer up at me out of the corner of my eye, her face as expressionless as ever. But I could feel the tension in her hoof-grip loosen.   “Wait, is she alright? What’s wro—” Rainbow’s eyes met mine. She didn’t flinch so much as fall backwards into her chair. Mine. Keep mine safe. “Phwee.” Peewee gave a firm squawk as he landed heavily on my head. Hay, what was that for?! I blinked, suddenly noticing the look of horror on Rainbow’s face. Guilt struck me as I realized I was the reason - Specifically my glistening fangs and fiery glare. “S-Sorry, Rainbow.” I quickly wiped the look off my face. “It’s...it’s just been a long night.” I backpedalled, awkwardly. “I don’t think we’re in any shape for a job that big, really.” “Nah, it’s cool. We’ll...sort something out.” Rainbow said, doing an amazing impression of somepony who hadn’t just faced a furious dragon. I didn’t miss the lingering look in her eyes though. She gave a little sigh as she got up and trotted out from behind her desk. “By the way,” she added in a low voice as she leaned in close, “Here’s the pay I owe you for that one time I hired you to write my life story.” She quietly pushed a small drawstring purse into my claw. It weighed heavily on my palm, in more ways than one. “Sorry, just never got around to it, s’all.” She quickly looked away, though not in time to hide the bright blush on her cheeks. The memories of her encounter with the Mysterious Mare-Do-Well must still be a sore point for her. For her to bring it up just to have an excuse to pass me some money… I felt the dagger of guilt drive itself deeper. She seriously meant well. Come to think of it, she had been looking out for me all the way. She deserved better from somepony who calls himself her friend, much better. “Hay, RD? Um, thanks. For everything.” I was about to pull her into a hug when I remembered that,( A), Rainbow handles hugs about as well as Twilight handles missed deadlines and (B) Luna might bubble her to death if I did. The guild would probably not survive A and B put together. I settled for the safe thing and patted on her withers. “You can thank me by not getting that lame all over me.” She rolled her eyes, giving me a light punch in return. “Save it for somepony who needs it more, why don’t….” She trailed off, her ears twitching to attention. “What’s the hay is that sound?” She turned to look at the front door. “Sounds like a commotion outside.” Blossomforth cocked her head to one side. “Weird. I don’t remember making one.” I said, following her gaze. Our answer came in the form of a pale turquoise pegasus suddenly bursting in through the front door door. “O-outside!” She panted, slamming the door behind her. “What is it now, Sassaflash?” Rainbow sighed the long suffering sigh of one discovering an empty roll of toilet paper. “Please don’t tell me you accidentally sat on a lightning jar again. We are still missing one weather wrench from last time.” “No! Worse!” Sassaflash wheezed, throwing her weight against the door. “G-guys, h-have you looked outside?!” “No, we don’t have to. ‘Cause I’m sure you’re gonna tell us what’s outside anyway.” Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Bat ponies! Lotsa them!” Sassaflash squeaked in fear. “You didn’t bang all of them, did you?” Rainbow frowned, in the same tone you might use to ask about the weather. “Hay! It was only that one time in Junior Speedsters, it was a dare, and everypony took turns, so that doesn’t count.” Sassaflash was quick to defend herself. “Rainbow, this is serious. The bat ponies caught wind of the situation!” “Who the hay let it out?!” Rainbow demanded, “This is super ultra top secret weather pony stuff! Like, nose-only stuff.” “Eyes-only.” Blossomforth corrected, irritably. “I dunno.” Sassaflash eyed the door behind her worriedly. “I was checking out -....I mean, surveying the cloud movements for our operation tonight when I overheard this rumour going around. Ponies are saying the festival’s being cancelled ‘cause the weather team’s grounded. That’s when I noticed the bat ponies marching on HQ. I had to gallop my flanks off to get here before them.” I didn’t like the sound of that. From how Luna’s grip on my claw slowly tightened again, neither did she. No, we didn’t need any more pressure for Luna to face the thunderstorm. I had to get her out. “Oh no, if Cloudsdale gets wind of this…” Clear Skies squeaked, dancing on her tippy-hooves in panic. “That’s a lot of unhappy bat ponies on the street there, boss,” Blossomforth said, peeking around a corner of a window. “Lemme have a look.” Rainbow pushed Blossomforth aside. “Not just the thestrals, half of Ponyville’s in the peanut gallery! What gives?!” She demanded, heatedly.  Ponyfeathers. The front door’s a bust. Should I try and sneak her out under a cardboard box? No, I might never find her again. Or whip up a flash mob to sing a song about sneaking? No, that’s stupid on too many levels. Or y’know, there’s always the ol’ back door. Does this joint even have a back door? Oh, right, it’s a pegasus weather station. Duh. Who needs doors when you can just fly out? “Hay, Sona?” I whispered, “Why don’t you fly out one of the windows? I’ll meet you back at home.” “But I…” Luna gave the door the look of one torn between a public toilet or the great outdoors. She bit her lip, looking back up at me. Somehow she seemed to find the answer on my face as she finally nodded. She hopped into the air and took flight, whirling up the tower before banking out of a broad window further up. I kinda wished I wasn’t the only dragon in Equestria without wings. But I guess I had the next best thing. “Keep an eye on her, buddy. Make sure she doesn’t get lost in, I dunno, Zebrica or something.” I sent Peewee after her. “Qoo.” Peewee did his birdy eye-roll thing again before taking off after Luna. Sometimes I wonder where he got all that attitude. “Ooh! Good idea!” The pegasi all spread their wings, seemingly just as eager to abandon ship. “Oh no you don’t.” Rainbow stepped on Blossomforth and Clear Skies’ tails, cutting their take-offs short and leaving them to faceplant the floor, starting a domino effect that similarly grounded the rest of the pegasi.   “Hay, you can go down with the ship if you want, captain, but you can do it by yourself! We’re not paid enough to get our blood sucked dry by bat ponies!” Blossomforth cried as she fought to pull her tail free. “I’m saving you all a night in the slammer and a hefty fine for drinking and flying.” Rainbow pointed out. “Wh-what if bat ponies all turn Nightmare Moon on us?” Clear Skies cried, curling up into a trembling little ball. I was glad I had gotten Luna out. She didn’t need to hear horseapples like this. “That’s just horseapples and you know it.” Rainbow voiced my thoughts for me. “Thestrals do not turn into Nightmare Moons, they do not gobble your flanks, suck your blood, steal your jobs, turn you into vamponies, gobble your flanks after sex, freeload on benefits or stay up past their bedtimes. Hay, all of them gave Nightmare Moon the hoof when she turned on Celestia. I would’ve thought Twilight’s written that across your muzzles or something by now.” Rainbow turned around to give her co-workers a withering look. She ended up glaring at an empty lobby and many quivering tails sticking out from beneath the round table. “Oh, for pony’s sake! There’s a reason we’re hosting this festival, y’know!” I heard a polite but firm knock on the door. Well, now that Luna was safely away, the least I can do is make sure Rainbow doesn’t get her blood gobbled or flanks sucked or something. “Uh, Rainbow?” I tapped the pegasus on her withers. “I know you’re kinda busy being the Element of Political Correctness, but there’s somepony knocking on the door.” I jabbed a claw over my shoulder. “Or lots of someponies, from the sound of it.” “When I open that door, I expect all of you to at least look normal!” Rainbow barked the ponies out from underneath the table. “Uh, okay, maybe a little less normal,” She added, wincing at the unnaturally big grins the nervous pegasi were sporting. She herself took a deep, resigned sigh before pulling the door open. Her ears quickly deflated along with all the courage she had gathered, all sapped by the sea of golden cat-like eyes on the other side. “U-uh.” Was the best she managed in between gulping. “Door guard, we hath urgent need to see Lady Rainbow Dash, leader of this guild. Thou shalt show us to her with all due haste.” A squat thestral stallion at the head of the flock of thestrals barked down at Rainbow. I couldn’t tell whether he was speaking High Unicornian with this really guttural Moonspeak accent or belching at us. “Such insolent silence. Doth these weather ponies not teach thee any pony speech in between watering thee?” He gave Dash a glare that he probably thought was disdainful, except it looked more like an orthos had a child with a brick. “My lord, she is her excellency, Lady Rainbow Dash.” A sunset peach thestral mare next to him gave a long-suffering sigh. “I’d think the rainbow mane’s kinda a give-away?” I couldn’t help but deadpan. The dark-maned thestral stallion shot me a dirty look. Score. “Lady Rainbow Dash is a door guard?” He demanded. Yep, there was totally something about him that rubbed me the wrong way, y’know, kinda like sandpaper for toilet paper. “No, because she’s grown up enough to open doors by herself.” I pointed out, parking myself next to Rainbow. “We do have a bouncer though.” “I apologize, Lady Rainbow Dash, our first meeting should not have been so abrupt and unannounced.” The thestral mare bowed low in a very polite attempt to put out the fire. “Allow me the honour of making our introductions. This is Vain Glory….” She gestured at the dark coated thestral stallion beside her. Funny, I thought his name was Mr. Jerkyjerk Mcjerkface. “Lord Vain Glory, patriarch of clan Glory.” Mr. Jerkyjerk Mcjerkface corrected, head-raised high like a seal proud of a particularly difficult ball trick. “Deputy Leader of the Lunarian diplomatic mission to Equestria.” He looked like he had put a lot of effort into looking worthy of the ball trick, dressing himself in a very fine dark green aurora robe, a dress uniform normally worn by Lunarian warriors when not in full armour. But the overdose of silk and sashes on his bulky form made him look more like a blanket bargain bin in summer. “I am Gentle Heart. My Lord Vain and I are acting attendants for our ponies during our sojourn to thy lands.” The mare stressed her title. She didn’t seem the slightest bit intimidated by the stallion’s overbearing attitude. In fact, she seemed perfectly comfortable correcting him. Even though she was smaller than her fellow thestrals, everything from her simple grace to her gentle but firm smile made her tower over her flock, even Jerky Mcjerkface. She was dressed much more practically, with a pair of heavy-duty saddlebags secured with a simple red sash. But what really gave her away was the pair of curved moon-sabres sheathed just beneath one leathery wing – She was a Stellar Knight, a high-ranking member of the Lunarian ruling class. Hay, I pay attention to Twilight’s lectures. I still hold the Equestrian record for the  longest attention span in any Twi-brand lecture, all five minutes of it. “Might I plead thy indulgence in forgiving the rudeness of mine query?” Gentle Heart asked, before the stallion could open his mouth again. “Uh….” Rainbow replied in very fluent Rainbownese. “She’s asking if she can talk to you.” I translated. “Uh.” Rainbow said. “She said she’s cool with that.” I translated for Rainbow. “Dost thou not understand pony speech?” Vain Glory demanded. “We demand to speak with a representative! We do not seek a conversation with a brick. We...” “Oh, hay, we finally agree on something.” I cut in, curtly. “So, how can we help you?” I asked, making it painfully clear I was talking to something that wasn’t a brick, namely the thestral mare, Gentle Heart. “Wh-what impudence!” Vain Glory sputtered. “If that is the way thou treatest a foreign dignitary then we shall not have words until a proper representative is brought hither!” He turned his lips upwards, making a pompous show of shutting up. Thank Luna! I may have just imagined it but I think the thestral mare may have flashed me a little smile of gratitude. “Lady Rainbow Dash?” "Uh, er..." Rainbow Dash did a surprisingly good Fluttershy impression as she hid behind her mane, seemingly wishing she was anywhere else than an escalating international incident. “I’m totally sorry, Lady Rainbow Dash.” Gentle Heart dropped her High Unicornian so quickly it felt like we’d been apple-bucked five centuries into the future. “We’d heard so much about Equestria’s most amazing hero that I guess we got a teensy bit too excited for our own good. We can get a little wordy when we’re nervous.” She still spoke with a heavy Moonspeak accent, but otherwise her modern Equestrian was Luna-tier. The sudden warm glow on Rainbow’s cheeks seemed to finally unfreeze her. “Oh, eh, heheh. Sure, yeah. I gotcha, it’s cool.” She broke into a chuckle, all her tension instantly melting away in the thestral’s warm smile. “Don’t worry, you’re not alone there. I do that to everypony.” “I can see why. Everypony talks about how incredibly cool the fastest pony in Equestria is. But words are nothing compared to the real deal.” Gentle Heart continued her efforts to thaw the tension. I could practically see Rainbow’s head swell up before my eyes. It was getting so big we’d probably need a new alicorn just to keep it aloft. Waaait a sec. I’ve seen a certain princess use that trick before! Though I’ve never seen it done with that much butter! It was totally effective on Rainbow Dash, especially after...seeing how horrible Vain Glory was in comparison. Did she plan that far? Was he in on it or was she taking advantage of his attitude? “And Lord Spike, the brave and glorious hero of the Crystal Empire.” The thestral mare turned her heart-melting smile on me. “Thank you ever so much for speaking for me. I don’t know what I’d do otherwise. I’ve heard about how gracious and gentlecoltly the Chief Steward of the Council of Friendship is, but seeing it in the flesh...” She trailed off into silence, raising a forehoof to hide her blush behind a leathery wing. Wow. Heh, I guess word just gets around when you’re as awesome as….whoah, whoah, whoah! Back up! She’s doing it to me too! But I’m on to you, lady! This must be what it’s like to be on the receiving end of Luna’s unstoppable charm. It was like being savaged repeatedly in the face by the softest, gentlest marshmallow ever. “Heh, well, he learned from the best. Right, squirt?” Rainbow chose that moment to playfully flank-nudge me, except with enough force to not only bump me out of her spotlight but send me spiralling into lower Equis orbit. Except the thing about nudging a dragon the size of an adult manticore is, you’re nudging a dragon the size of an adult manticore. You might as well throw yourself at a wall, which was exactly what she decided to do after bouncing off me. The thestrals, the weather pegasi and I shared a sympathetic wince as Rainbow Prench-kissed the wall so hard she gave it a Rainbow-shaped hickie. Not even five minutes and Rainbow was already knocked out of the ring. Forget Tirek and Sombra, this bat mare is dangerous. She actually played Rainbow Dash against me and she didn’t even have to use a touch of magic. Are these the kinds of battles Luna and Celestia have to fight every day? “I’m cool!” Rainbow squeaked. She somehow managed to unpeel herself from the wall with a very wet pop, sending herself rolling onto the floor with a very painful smack. “I-I’m still cool!” She mumbled woozily, before finally faceplanting the ground. The weather ponies acted with drilled precision, checking on their boss, mostly by methodically slapping her unconscious form across the face. “Is she alright?” The thestral mare asked, looking genuinely worried at the amount of medical care Rainbow was receiving. I couldn’t help but share her concern. “Don’t worry, we know what we’re doing.” Blossomforth said. Y’know, implying there was a possibility that they didn’t know what they were doing. “We’re just checking her for a pulse.” I was pretty sure that wasn’t how you checked for a pulse, but they looked so practiced and determined that I actually began to doubt my own common sense. I had no choice but to leave her in their capable(?) hooves while I worked out how to avenge her...or, at the very least, avoid needing pegasus-brand resuscitation too. Plans, Spike! We’re one short! Think! What would Luna do?! This mare’s already ahead and she’s still got her army of thestrals, not to mention the entire street’s worth of ponies for an audience. And if Luna has taught me anything, it’s that an audience is only as good as the show you put on, and we had nothing we wanted them to see. What have I got on my side? Well, she doesn’t know that I’m on to her. Plus I know a little bit about thestrals. How can I use that? “Whoah, did you guys hear that? One of the Stellar Knights has heard of me! That’s, like, as awesome as being noticed by the Power Ponies, the most powerful ponies ever!” I might suck at acting, but I don’t need to fake fanboying over the Power Ponies. “Y-you are too kind, Lord Spike.” Gentle Heart’s blush only seemed to deepen as she took a bashful half-step back. The bait’s cast. Now to reel in the catch. “Hay, you guys have totally got to come inside. I’ve just gotta show you all off to my friends! They’d never believe a Stellar Knight actually knows my name!” I said, inviting them inside. Y’know, away from the audience on the street. A few of the thestrals stepped forwards to accept my invitation, even lord snooty pants himself. They stopped short when Gentle Heart suddenly replied, “I do not wish to impose upon your hospitality any more than we already have.” Her tone turned a little more formal, defensive even. “We shall be fine here.” Yep, that audience on the street was planned, and she was dead set on keeping’em around. Ponyfeathers! Am I busted?! No, this doesn’t mean we’ve lost. She won’t try the same trick, not when she knows I’ve got her figured out too. The best part is, she also knows I can play the game, at least enough to keep up with her. I’ve taken away her only weapon. That’s totally a win, right? Heheheh, I’m so amazing I impress myself sometimes. Now, I wonder if I’ve impressed her? No, I’m being serious here. ‘Cause I can totally use that against her too. “Oh, that’s cool. I just noticed all my friends out here. Hay, I got something to show you all, Cheerilee! Cherry Berry! Carrot Top! Ditzy…” I began calling out to the rubbernecking crowd around us. “Oh.” Gentle Heart’s face lit up with sudden realization. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to keep you all here with me. Why don’t you all go ahead and continue with the festival preparations? I can manage matters here.” She nodded at her flock. Most of the thestrals bowed and quietly took their leave. At a glance, it might seem like they were heading off in different directions. But from a pegasus-eye view, you’d probably see the thestrals spread themselves across the ring of onlookers, pulling the crowd’s attention apart. The few bystanders left behind quickly lost interest, thinking that the thestral mob dissolving signalled the end of the show. In mere moments, the army of thestrals and the audience was reduced to Gentle Heart, Vain Glory and four or five of their companions. I’d have done my evil cackle, if only I had my evil mustache and cape to go with it. My bluff worked. Figuring me out had made her cautious. She probably suspected I’d try to use the crowd against her. I thought she would simply agree to follow me inside out of the crowd’s eyes. I totally didn’t expect her to break the audience up with what I’m sure was a backup plan she prepared. Even better! She had pressed her own self-destruct button for me and I barely had to do a thing! Wow, I’m starting to see why Luna enjoyed herself so much at the party last night. These games are fun! Especially when you’re winning! My grin must have shown on my face though. Her eyes widened, her smile fading. She must’ve realized she’d been had. But it was too late. She had already lost her last two remaining cards. For all she knew, I could still have any number of cards hidden up my scales. She was on the back hoof and she knew it. To my surprise, she suddenly broke into laughter. Hay, you’re not supposed to laugh! There are clear rules about losing! Even her remaining companions shared my surprise, making it clear her bright giggles were totally for real. “Ah, most artful, thy Grace. Thine guiles leave me wanting.” She trailed off into a chuckle, wiping tears of glee out of her eyes. “I had not expected one skilled in the wily arts of the court within the Council of Friendship. They have kept thee hidden well. Underestimating thee has proven my undoing.” If this was yet another strategy to throw me off balance, it was working well. I felt like a crystal pony facing a toaster for the first time - A very wordy toaster.  “Uh, thanks?” I said uncertainly. “Undoing? We hath not even begun discussions and thou hast conceded defeat to this lizard?” Vain Glory demanded, pointing a hoof at me. Ah, so he wasn’t in on her plans after all. She had used him as easily as she had played Rainbow Dash. “My lord, I would have a care with what I call a dragon.” Gentle Heart chided him. Vain Glory gave a sigh that would have done a drama queen proud. “I told thee it was a waste of time discussing the weather with the council when I hath already provided thee with a solution.” “Aww, you suck.” I pulled the most bummed out look I could put on. It came surprisingly easy to me. The only challenge was keeping myself from grinning in glee. “I thought I had this one. How’d somepony like you spoil my big chance?” “When thou art as eminent as I, all ponies of import flock to bask in thy influence.” He gloated. At least his mouth is the right size for his head. “Take Prince Blueblood for example. He knows his manners. Came to personally congratulate me on my appointment as diplomat to Equestria. When he saw the state of the weather last night, he thoughtfully offered to fund a private weather contract from Cloudsdale Weather Factory to clear the skies.” He monologued and gloated, just like any good Power Pony villain. He was easy to play compared to the likes of Gentle Heart. “No fuss. Even openly discussed how generous the terms he had planned for our treaty. Now there is a pony who can get things done.” Ah, so that’s Blueblood’s plan. Thank you very much, Mr. Vain Glory. Except, newsflash, Blueblood can’t negotiate the terms of the treaty. Not unless he does them this big favour with the weather tonight. Then he might have the leverage he needs to do that. I noticed Gentle Heart made no move to stop Vain Glory blabbing. In fact, she gave me a little wink. She wanted me to hear Blueblood’s plan. Looks like the game was still on, and I had to figure out the new rules. Now why would she let him give it away? To check whether or not I was in on Blueblood’s plan? How would that information help her? Is she gonna try and play me against him, like she did with Rainbow Dash? If that’s the case, why wouldn’t she take the easy way out and take Blueblood up on his offer? Is it because Vain Glory would get the cookie points for that? That must be it. She wanted her own angle into the council of Friendship, one that doesn’t involve Blueblood and Vain Glory. She had probably been aiming for Rainbow Dash, captain of the weather team. But the way she was looking at me as if I was the last muffin in the pan suggested her sights may have shifted over to me. Well, the enemy of my enemy is a friend, and we’re all about friendship, right? If I help the thestrals here, that’d help’em out with the treaty. And that’d totally help me smoothe things over with the rest of my friends! And that’d be super awesome! I could just imagine Pinkie and Applejack giving me pats on the back, Fluttershy and Twilight’s nods of approval, and….Rarity…. But as suddenly as it came, my bubble of hope quickly popped. How was I meant to help them when every single weather pony in Ponyville was grounded? “Oh, but we should not trouble Lord Blueblood so, not when a simpler solution might present itself. Please do share what you had in mind, Lord Spike.” Gentle Heart said, her tone growing a tiny bit impatient. I must have taken my time thinking. “Oh, please. This is a waste of time. The guild is full of drunkards unfit for purpose.” The weather ponies shot Vain Glory a dirty look. “And our only hope is this...thing that is a pair of wings short of a real dragon. How dost thou even join in the dragon migration? Dost thou crawl on thy belly like a base gecko?” “I have a Friendship Express season pass.” I said, as offhoofedly as I could. But Vain Glory was right for once. I had the luck of being the one and only dragon without wings. And that kinda puts a cramp on doing weather work. Bummerville, I was so close to winning one for the Council and patching things up with my friends too!  “And thou shalt ride thy Friendship Express into yonder thunderstorm?” Vain Glory scoffed. “Expresses and such desperate daftness won’t be needed. My lord Spike has arranged for a much more sensible plan.” A sudden gust of wind blew by, interrupting my lameness. It was quickly followed by the mighty flaps of a pair of powerful wings. “I’m sorry for interrupting.” I heard a set of hooves land behind me, followed by slow hoofsteps that had become really familiar to me. “Not to mention eavesdropping. But any concern of my lord Spike is a concern of mine.” With a dramatic billowing of her frilly skirt and apron, Luna stepped up next to me like a goddess of war. Well, as much a goddess of war as her maid uniform allowed, anyway.