Day 22; Evening
I'm in complete shock. Or rather, I've been in complete shock up to this point and it's only now starting to wear off enough for me to be able to start writing. Princess Rainbow Head want's me to be a proxy for her and Luna! Apparently, between the incident with Luna and whatever the guards have been telling her about me, I've come across as decent at 'keeping a calm head, developing a plan of action, and resolving problems'.
I was paralyzed at the news, but I think the Princesses interpreted it as acceptance, cause they thanked me and let me come back to my room. I think I need a way to say politely say no to the princesses, otherwise, I might be doomed.
I'm doomed anyways, of course. I've never wanted to be a politician, and now, because I didn't say no at the appropriate time, I've become a bizarre combination diplomat/representative, inspector/problem solver for the princesses. Somebody please help Celestia see common sense and replace me before I cause a war.
It isn't that I'm not honored by her faith in me, or that I'm not happy to do anything I can to help repay the generosity shown to me. It's just that I don't think I can do whatever she thinks I can. I have no magic, no knowledge of local history, and I'm an omnivore, which according to Tours, means that every time I show my teeth, I send little subliminal danger messages to every pony who sees me. I'm going to have to remember to smile a different way!
Why do they think I'm qualified? Seriously, I think that those six I tagged along with would be a much better choice.
I... I... I'm going to bed before I have a meltdown. Hopefully I can think of a way to change the princess's mind in the morning.
Day 23; It begins
Well, that didn't work out. Celestia waved off my concerns when I brought them up over breakfast, though she at least can see that I'm going to need a lot of help before I'll be able to start helping her. To help me learn the ropes of what she wants me to be doing, and to reacquaint her sister with the sorts of duties the princesses have, I'll be accompanied by Luna for the first series of missions.
Celestia is also reassigning Cobalt's squad as a permanent security detail for me, which is nice of her. I've gotten used to them, and having to readjust to new guards would be a pain. It should also reassure whoever I meet with that I'm not just some crazy monster come to terrorize them while they're having a crisis.
Oh, yeah. This bit of news was kind of overshadowed last night by the terrifying thoughts of responsibility, but I also found out that there's very little chance of me going home. Celestia had some students from her university look up theories as a kind of extra-credit project, but this is how she explained it to me:
I don't know how I got here, as I was sleeping when it happened. I also don't have any 'lingering magical aura' to help the princess determine how I got here. A multiple-universe theory has been proposed and proven at some point, so it's very likely that I'm from a different dimension, but there aren't any spells that have been developed to send a living being safely to another universe.
If I was willing to wait a couple hundred years of dedicated research, Celestia or a group of unicorns might be able to help me, but there would still be one remaining problem. A theory of multiple alternate dimensions leaves a number of possible destinations, and there's no way to tell where I came from. It would be nice for me to be able to go home, but there's realistically no chance of successfully doing so.
It sucks, but I can live with that. I've got a lot to be thankful for, like being on good terms with the ruling body of a nation. In fact, I could almost stand with being on a little worse terms with the princesses. I might not have been appointed a royal proxy if they trusted me a little less.
Day 25; Reading once again
I've finally gotten the equestrian alphabet down, which would mean that it's the fastest I've ever learned a language. Mostly learned. I'm still slow at reading, and I still have to carry a cheat sheet with all the letters and their English equivalents.
I actually had overestimated the difficulty in learning how to read the language, as both the grammar rules, and alphabet are the same. It was more like learning to fluently read in a graphical code than learning a language. Your brain doesn't immediately recognize the new shapes as letters, so its difficult to read while you're connecting the old and the new.
This entry is going to be short, and I probably won't be writing again for a while, as I have a lot of reading to do.
Day 39; Let's do this
It's been a month that I've stayed at the castle, and today is the first day that Luna and I will be going someplace for Princess Celestia. Up until now, the most I've done has been making a few public appearances with the princesses, to get the news of my existence out into the public. I still remember how Ponyville panicked, and though it was definitely amusing, I'd rather that not happen again.
We're going to a port town named SeaSaddle for two purposes. The first is so that we can be the guests of honor for the town's semi-regular celebration. It has something to do with a magical sea breeze that, in addition to dying everything a deep blue-green, causes the town's plants to grow months in a matter of seconds. So long as the town prepares adequately, they can grow enough crops in that single day to last for years. The problem then ends up being able to harvest it all
It only happens once every couple of years, but the town's pegasi have learned how to track the wind weeks before it arrives, giving the town a bit of time to prepare. Every time it happens, the town sends an invitation to Princess Celestia, but it's been decades since the breeze has occurred on a day that she hasn't had something previously scheduled.
On a more sinister note, this year's preparation's for the breeze have been in a dissarray. There's been something breaking fences, uprooting whatever has been planted, and there have been ponies who have gone missing in the areas that have damage. No one has seen the culprit, and it's been causing no small amount of fear for the town. Luna, the guards, and I will be looking into the problem, hopefully solving it before the breeze arrives.
Personally, another reason I think Princess Celestia hasn't made it out to SeaSaddle is how far away it is geographically. We're sitting in the train station while the train gets ready to leave, and I checked the schedule. We'll be arriving in a little under three days if we're on time, and while I bet pegasi could get there faster by flying, I don't really think the average pegasus would be willing to fly over twenty hundred miles for just one event.
There's the train, time to end my disorganized thoughts and put this away.
Day 42; SeaSaddle
So, we arrived a little ahead of schedule, and the train ride itself was very comfortable. I guess it's one of the perks of riding with royalty; you end up sharing somewhat in the awed service that people provide.
We also had a plan of action for determining how to catch the trouble-maker. No, I'm not going to write it down here, as its kind of stupid to write down sensitive information where anyone could read it... Not that anyone would read this, right? I guess it wouldn't hurt to write down a few of the more obvious details though. The plan involves a few eyes in the sky, magic from our very own Princess Luna, and bait. Guess who's the bait.
Admittedly, I think we're going to have to do a bit of politicking before we get to any tracking, the mayor wants——
Oh my. I'm going to need to talk to Luna about speaking to the public. She knocked a few ponies down with the power of her voice alone, and she's going to scare people if she keeps it up. I just gave her a line about how 'projection is good, but moderation is key,' but before tonight, I really, really need to explain how us non-uber-powerful creatures have eardrums that can break.
Though idle thoughts do come to mind. Suppose we just issued earplugs to anyone we know isn't a culprit, and then had Luna just shout until the perpetrator brings himself forward just to make her stop? It would be a funny way to solve a crime.
Day 44; Safe and sound
You know, I thought that I was fairly well versed on mythological creatures, but when we solved the crime, I was surprised by what was causing it: An Encatado named Balas. The Encatado is a shapeshifting dolphin creature, that's very, very good with music.
When we caught it, Balas surrendered quickly, declared that it hadn't meant any harm, but when the ponies had caught it breaking stuff, it had panicked. Balas had knocked out the ponies, and then gotten scared about the ponies telling others who had done it, so Balas had taken them to his temporary home in the sea.
The kidnapped ponies are alright now, and though I doubt that they're too happy about the situation, they've forgiven Balas in words if not in spirit. After some more conversation with the shapeshifter, we found out that Balas was actually here to learn about and visit the pony's breeze celebration.
Balas is currently rooming with us, officially to keep it out of trouble, unofficially because it finds me to be facinating. Balas doesn't really like shifting into things with lots of fur, which I have significantly less of, and it also likes the concept of hands, something that it hadn't seen before. Overall, Balas seems alright as a person, and it will be helping the musicians during the celebration tomorrow as part of its apology to the town.
It. I keep wanting to call Balas a he, just to make writing easier, but even though Balas currently has a male pony form, Balas won't let you forget that 'he' is actually an it. Balas almost seems proud of that fact.
Day 46; The sea breeze
The celebration was interesting. I've never seen wind that has a color, never mind a wind that causes plants to grow and other things to become blue-green. Like me. Not sure how to react to the fact that I am now a blue-green skinned and haired person, but at least it should wear off in a few months. Besides, everyone else in town is in the same situation, Princess Luna included, and it isn't like technicolored ponies aren't the norm in equestria.
Note to self, have a camera ready for when we get back to Canterlot. I'm sure there will be some pony with an amusing expression on their face when they see the princess. The dying effect of the wind is probably another reason why Celestia doesn't do this all that often.
The food was amazing, and with Balas, the music was divine as well. All in all, it was a really fun party, even though ponies were constantly vying for my attention. Its surprisingly easy to forget that as a 'Royal Proxy,' I'm something of a celebrity now.
Ah, speaking of Balas, I (and the rest of the town) found out exactly why it's so fond of the fact that it doesn't have a gender. After the music was mostly wrapped up, Balas had a few alcoholic beverages. Balas then proceeded to flirt with everyone, flipping genders as needed to continue its seduction. I didn't stick around long enough for it to work its way to me, but I found out this morning that Balas had been quite a bit more successful in its flirtations than I had expected.
We're again waiting at the train station while the train is being prepared, and either Airlift or Cobalt is bugging me to put this down and say goodbyes instead (I can't really tell between them at the moment, as they're both the same shade and I'm still not that good with recognizing pony voices yet). Just a moment.
…
Most of the goodbyes were pleasant, and the mayor hopes we will come again, perhaps after they're done harvesting all the produce they now have. However, Balas's goodbye left me a little ambiguous about the parting.
On one hand, while Balas is really good with music, generally gets along with people, and I genuinely want to keep in touch (it gave me a post box number that it's checked out from the SeaSaddle post office), there are some things...
OK, let's be right to the point. Balas cheerfully told me before we finished our farewells that it was disappointed that I had missed out on 'a good time last night.' Balas then proceeded to tell me that it would love 'experiencing a carnal relationship' with me, and that it would be available at any time I desired. I would really, really, really like some mind bleach at this time. I'm going to go talk with Oval and see if he can erase my mind.
Day 49; And back again
I protested, I really did! I've been on a grand total of one assignment, and now I'm getting right back on the train to go to Manehatten, this time without Luna's supervision. True, this time I don't have to do much beyond sit there and look pretty, but why would Celestia triple book tomorrow anyways?
I know it isn't very mature of me, but I really don't want to mess this up. Plus I'm blue-green. It is funny seeing the reactions, but this party I'm going to is one of those stuffy, fancy things with hundreds of spoons and forks on the table. Luckily Tours used to do those sorts of things with his family before joining the Royal Guard, and he's going to be coaching me the entire time.
Hah, I reread the bottom of the previous entry, and it reminded me of Oval's reaction to my request. Apparently, he does know such a spell, but it's a closely regulated one that should only be used carefully at the request of a trained psychologist. He was horrified that I wanted it to cause amnesia. Tours took a picture of his face, and I'm putting it below.
Day 51; Party fail
It's the morning after the party, and despite my fatigue from last night, I don't feel like sleeping on the train today. So instead, I think I'll write down my thoughts on the party before I organize an actual report for Celestia.
Despite the fact that the entire party seemed to be a disaster from the beginning, I actually managed to pull it off most of it without embarrassing myself (and by extension the Princess I'm representing) until dinner.
The party had started out well enough, with another guest complementing me on having such a “healthy looking shade of green.” I nearly burst out laughing, but managed to contain it to a polite cough before admitting having gotten it when I went to the coast with Princess Luna. The pony who had spoken nodded sagely, and started talking about how the sea air indeed achieves marvels with one's coloring.
However, when dinner came around (which turned out to have no utensils at all), the troubling matter of my height came into focus. There were no chairs at the dining table, and the rest of the party guests were standing. On the one hand, furniture that was functional for me is rather hard to come by here, but on the other, if I were to just sit down, I'd mess up my suit, which Tours had informed me was NOT acceptable. Solution. A few quiet words to a passing butler, and I had a cushion to kneel on while we ate.
The food had its own set of problems, like the fact that it was all with hay and grasses. Beautifully arranged hay and grass, and if I were to judge by the ecstasy that the others were enjoying their meals, it was probably of the very best quality (and perhaps even seasoned with something that my nose couldn't detect). I just couldn't eat it.
So I continued with polite conversation, until the hostess noticed I wasn't eating:
“Really dear, we're almost ready to move to dessert, and you haven't even had a bite.”
Uh oh, how was I supposed to tell her that I literally couldn't eat what's on my plate, without insulting her, and without alerting the rest of the guests to the fact that the 'guest of honor' has been served something he couldn't eat? Quickly, I decided on:
“It's fine, Ma'am, I've had some trouble eating lately, and I'm not sure if I'm up to such an exquisite meal.”
The hostess narrowed her eyes, and then said,
“But Dear, though elegant, the dish is really quite simple fare, and should calm anyone's stomach.”
I somehow got the hint that there was something more than just concern for my health going on, and the hostess and I traded increasingly polite (read: hostile) words until I realized that all other table conversation had stopped. At that point, I stopped arguing, and forced down two bites. It satisfied her, and I sat queasily until dessert came.
The hostess cleared her throat.
“Everyone? I'd like to thank you all for coming, and most of all, I'd like to thank our guest of honor, the human who has graciously been sent by Princess Celestia Herself. I've taken the time this afternoon to make a special desert just for him.”
And then she smiled at me. While placing a beautifully prepared dish in front of me. I don't know what it was, but I had time to get one good whiff of it before I failed to control a gag. And then I threw up.
It turned out that a doctor was at the table, and she must have taken her oaths quite seriously, because when I threw up, she dropped all decorum and rushed to my side asking if I was OK. I smiled weakly, forgetting to keep my teeth hidden, and the doctor froze.
I had time to think 'shit' before she rounded on the hostess.
“He's a predator! Or at least a carnivorous leaning omnivore! And you made him eat grasses? You are clearly an idiot, my dear.” Turning to Tours, she continued “Take him out, I'll be along shortly to make sure he's OK.”
As we beat a hasty retreat, there were two increasingly loud and angry female voices. I assumed at that point the doctor wouldn't be catching up, so Tours and I left for the hotel. It was quite a night.
Day 51; Front page
So, I can see that I'm already in the newspaper, now that I've bothered to look. The articles have painted me in a sympathetic light too, shifting all of the blame to the hostess of the party. Even the doctor's in there, with a scathing review of the hostess's 'outrageous' lack of proper meal planning.
This is the first time I've ever been news, and I already never want to be in the tabloids again. I'm also a bit apprehensive as to how Celestia is going to react. I think I'd better start on a proper report while there's still time.