“Twilight, you’ve been staring at that logic puzzle book all morning. Don’t you think it’s time to get out and … you know, do friendship stuff? Or princess stuff?”
Sighing, Twilight closes her book and turns to her trusted assistant. “I’m sorry, Spike. I’m just feeling really down lately.”
“But, why? We haven’t had any crises lately. You’ve rid Equestria of Sombra and Tirek, made allies out of the dragons and changelings, reformed Discord and Starlight Glimmer, created new friendships with Trixie and Gilda, …”
“I didn’t have a hoof in all of that,” Twilight states with a chuckle. “But maybe that’s just it … I’m bored!”
“Well if you’re bored, how ‘bout a game? Maybe ‘Pin the Tail on the Pony’? Or how about breaking out ‘Shetlands of Catan’ again? I’ve only heard of you playing that once, and I wasn’t even in that game.”
Twilight sighs again. “What I really miss is stimulating discussion. I was part of a debate club in Canterlot, and I got such a thrill just getting into arguments.”
“Arguments? You mean fights?”
“No, silly,” Twilight answers with a laugh. “Arguments. Healthy discussions about any and all topics. Equestrian history, popular culture, scientific hypotheses … when I got into a zone, I could just feel the exhilaration pouring through me. But …” She lowers her head and turns away. “I love my friends, but I don’t think they can give me what I really desire.”
“Hmmmm …” Spike massages his chin while pondering Twilight’s comments. “Tell you what. Why don’t you treat yourself to a spa day. Take at least a couple hours. I think you’ll feel better.”
“I think you have me confused with a certain unicorn,” Twilight replies, “but actually, a spa treatment wouldn’t be such a bad idea. It has been a while for me, hasn’t it. Good idea, Spike. I’ll stop by Rarity’s place and see if she’s—“
“Nonono, get some ‘you’ time in. Have a chance to, you know, meditate or something.”
Twilight gives Spike a quizzical look. “I’m not sure what you got in mind, but … OK. I’ll be back at 2:00.”
Wonderful idea, Spike. That’s why you’re my Number One assistant!
Twilight’s walk back to the castle is a pleasant jaunt through Ponyville, as she reminisces about the treatment she recently received. Her mind clear of the cobwebs of the morning, she retains a sense of self-confidence, ready to face the rest of the day.
Upon reaching the front doors, Twilight enters the castle and is surprised to find a receptionist desk in her foyer. Fluttershy sits at the desk, perusing a book titled ‘Happiness is a Warm Bunny’; upon seeing Twilight, she puts down the book and addresses her friend in her usual, soft voice.
“Twilight, welcome back. How was your spa treatment?”
“It was great,” the alicorn replies somewhat uneasily. “What’s with the desk?”
“Oh, well Spike came to me and all the others telling us how you were feeling down. We all wanted to help out, so everypony agreed to provide you with stimulating conversation.”
Twilight smiles at the thought. “That’s incredible! Wow, where to begin … you know, I’d love to have an argument.”
“Wonderful,” Fluttershy intones as she checks a schedule.
Wait, what’s with the schedule?
“Let’s see … Trixie’s free, but she’s a bit of a meanie …”
Trixie??? What, is she here?
“Ah, here we are. Try Rainbow Dash; she’s in the library.”
“Oh. OK then, thank you Fluttershy.” Slightly confused, Twilight shrugs and heads off down a hallway.
Upon reaching the entrance to the library, Twilight pushes open the door and enters.
“WHAT DO YOU WANT?”
Rainbow’s demeanor catches Twilight off-guard. “Well I was told by Fluttershy that—“
“DON’T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SLOBBERING PIECE OF HORSE DROPPINGS!!!”
“What?”
“SHUT YOUR INCESSANT TRAP, YOU TWIT! YOUR TYPE REALLY MAKES ME SICK, YOU ARROGANT, STUCK-UP-NOSE, FOUL-SMELLING HORNHEAD!!!”
“RAINBOW DASH, I just came in here for an argument! What the hay do you think you’re—”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa … uh, sorry Twilight, this is Abuse.”
Twilight blinks, frozen in stunned silence as Rainbow Dash chuckles and continues in a pleasant tone. “I think Fluttershy sent you to the wrong pony. Go talk to Applejack in the cutie map room, instead.”
“Rainbow, who in Equestria would want to be yelled at like that?”
“Clearly, you’ve never seen Spitfire chew out new recruits at Wonderbolts Academy. Sorry for the confusion there, AJ’s the one you want to talk to.”
“Um … OK then. So, no hard feelings?”
“Not at all!”
“OK then.” An even-more-confused Twilight exits the library, leaving Rainbow Dash to herself.
“Stupid nag.”
Apprehensive to enter after her last encounter, Twilight gingerly pushes open the door to the cutie map room. She sees Applejack sitting comfortably in her designated chair, a timer placed on the table, and cautiously walks up to her.
“Uh, are you the pony I’m supposed to talk to for an argument?”
Applejack groans. “Ah already done told ya.”
Twilight hesitates. “No you didn’t.”
“Yes ah did.”
“When?”
“Just now.”
“No you didn’t.”
“Ah did.”
“You didn’t.”
“Ah’m tellin’ ya ah did.”
“You did not.”
“Oh waitaminute, sugarcube, how long is this argument s’posed to be for?”
Twilight catches herself before responding. “Oh … OK, I guess Rainbow Dash was right, then. Um, sure, how about five minutes to start.”
“OK then.” Applejack sets the timer on the table and clears her throat before continuing. “Anyway ah did.”
Twilight gives AJ a funny look. “You did what?”
“Ah told you this was the right place for an argument.”
“No you didn’t. Rainbow Dash told me.”
“No she didn’t.”
“She did!”
“Didn’t.”
“I’m telling you, she did!”
“She did not!”
Twilight pauses, frustrated by the verbal ping-pong. “OK, just stop!”
Applejack looks at her friend with curiosity. “What’s wrong, Twi?
“Applejack, I appreciate the thought, but this isn’t really an argument.”
“Yes it is.”
“No it isn’t. It’s just contradiction!”
Applejack quickly takes offense. “No it isn’t!”
“Yes it is! See, you just contradicted me!”
“AH DID NOT!”
“YES YOU DID!”
“NO-NO-NO-NO-NO!”
“YOU DID JUST THEN!”
“Ponyfeathers!”
Twilight groans. “This is hopeless!”
“No it isn’t,” AJ reassures.
“Look, I came in here for a good argument.”
“No you didn’t, you came here for an argument. See Twilight, there’s a difference.”
“But an argument can’t be just contradiction!”
“… can be.”
“No it can’t! An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition!”
Applejack ponders the meaning of Twilight’s declaration for a minute …
“… no it isn’t.”
“Yes it is,” Twilight insists. “It’s not just contradiction.”
“Look Twilight, if ah argue with you, that means ah gotta take up a contrary position, right?”
“Well, yes, but an argument isn’t the same thing as just saying ‘No it isn’t’.”
“Yes it is.”
“NO IT ISN’T!”
“Just like that!”
“NOT like that! ‘Argument’ is an intellectual process, ‘contradiction’ is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other pony makes.”
“… ‘Gainsaying’ ain’t even a real word.”
“Yes it is.”
“No it isn’t.”
“Now look …”
DING!
“Thank you, good mornin’!”
Silence. Twilight looks at Applejack for several seconds. “What?”
“That’s it. Good mornin’.”
A feeling of adrenaline that had recently built up in Twilight was quickly receding. “But that was just getting interesting.”
“Sorry, sugarcube, but the five minutes ‘er up.”
“What? That wasn’t five minutes just now.”
“Ah’m afraid it was, Twilight.”
“It wasn’t.”
“… sorry, but I’m not allowed to go on arguin’ anymore.”
Incredulous, Twilight blurts out, “WHAT???”
“If you want me to go on arguin’, you’ll have to pay for another five minutes.”
“Applejack, I didn’t pay you anything for the first five minutes. What are you talking about?”
Applejack leans back in her chair, tipping her hat over her eyes.
“Oh, come on!!!”
Still no reaction from her farmer friend.
“AJ, this is ridiculous.”
“Look, Twi, if you want to continue the argument, you’ll just have to pay for another five minutes.”
“… oh fine, I got a couple bits tucked away.” Twilight levitates two coins to Applejack, who secures the funds and then leans forward.
“Thank you, Twi.”
“Fine.” Twilight waits for Applejack to continue, but the orange pony continues to sit and say nothing. “Well?”
“… well what, sugarcube?”
“That was never five minutes just now.”
Applejack groans. “Look Twilight, I already told you that if you want me to go on arguin’, you’ll have to pay for another five minutes.”
“Applejack, I just paid you.”
“No you didn’t.”
Exacerbated, Twilight hops to her hooves. “I DID PAID YOU, JUST NOW!!!”
“You didn’t.”
“I DID!!!”
“You didn’t.”
“I DID!!!”
“You didn’t.”
Twilight attempts to compose herself before continuing. “Applejack, DON’T argue with me about this!”
“Well ah’m very sorry but you didn’t pay.”
A flash of insight hits Twilight. “A-HA! Well if I didn’t pay, then why are you arguing? There! I got you!”
“No you haven’t.”
“Yes I have! If you’re arguing, I must’ve paid.”
“Not necessarily, sugarcube. Ah could be arguin’ in mah spare time.”
Applejack continues to smile at Twilight, observing her eyes twitch in a way she hadn’t seen since an incident involving an old rag doll and a missed friendship lesson. Twilight sits with a frozen look before shaking her head.
“I’ve had enough of this.”
“No you haven’t.”
“Oh, shut up!”
Twilight storms out of the cutie map room in a huff, leaving Applejack alone.
“Now why did she leave so soon? That wasn’t even five minutes just now.”
“GAAH, that Applejack can really annoy a pony at times,” Twilight grouses to herself. “Got me talking to myself now. And Rainbow Dash, too. What was her deal? And what the hay did Fluttershy mean by even mentioning Trixie? As if she’s ever gone through anything like …”
As she passes the hallway towards the dining room, she notices a crudely-drawn sign. Twilight pauses to read: ‘Complaints? See Rarity.’ Perfect! At least I can vent, and Rarity knows as well as anypony how stubborn AJ can be!
Twilight changes direction and heads off to the dining room. Entering, she notices Rarity lying on her stomach upon a couch, inspecting her hooves. “Rarity, I want to complain.”
“YOU want to complain? Look at this hooficure! I got it done just two days ago and the work is already all scratched away!”
“Wait, no, you don’t under—”
“And my mane is such a tattered mess right now, it looks horrible!”
“Rarity, your mane looks fine—”
“But when you complain, nothing happens so you might as well not bother.”
“Oh never mind!” As quickly as she enters, the exasperated Twilight turns tail and storms back out.
“And my back is aching and I got almost no lines, and I’m sick and tired of this story!”
Just one glass of water, that’s all I need. Just one glass of water, that’s all I need.
Twilight repeats the simple thought in her head, eager to clear her mind of all the help her friends offered her as she heads to the kitchen.
Just one glass of water, that’s all I need. Just one glass of—”
SPLURT!!!
“Aaagh!” Twilight stumbles backwards from the remnants of a cream pie shoved right into her face.
“No, no, no, hold your head up higher and go ‘Waaaugh’, let’s try it again!”
SPLURT!!!
A second pie gets crammed into Twilight’s face, causing the alicorn to flail her forehooves and shout out “AAAUGH!!!”
“That is so much better, but you need that ‘wha’ sound, try it again!”
“NO!”
“Now?”
SPLURT!!!
A third pie is forced into Twilight’s face. “WAAAUGH!!!”
“You did it! I knew you could do it! You’re so smart and—”
“STOP HITTING ME!”
“What?”
“STOP HITTING ME WITH PIES, PINKIE!!!”
“Stop hitting you?”
“YES!!!”
Pinkie gives Twilight a quizzical look. “Well why’d you come in here, then?”
“I WANTED A FLANKING GLASS OF WATER!!!”
“… oooOOOOHHhhh … sorry, Twilight, this is ‘Getting Hit in the Face with Cream Pies’ in here.”
Twilight’s eyes, translucent through the mass of custard and cream frosting, become horizontal slits as she death-glares at Pinkie. With bits of pie continuing to fall in splotches to the floor, she mutters as she turns to you …
“What a stupid fic!”