Celestia
I am a Princess of Equestria, diarch of ponykind, unifier of the three tribes, bearer of the Sun Mantle, Sol Invictus, ponykind’s greatest defender for a millennium, and holder of a hundred other titles besides. I had warded off foreign invaders, vanquished scores of demons and other horrors, and given my people relative peace and prosperity for centuries.
And I was losing a children's card game.
It certainly seemed so as the Unpronounceable’s accountants defeated my Chief Accountant Kennedy. The card went to my discard pile, leaving me in a pickle. The Accountant had been my best character card in the field, and now my defense wasn't nearly as solid as I would have liked. Really, I had been struggling through the entire game. I was used to traditional card games played with a normal deck. This game, though... this had a wholly different set of rules, hundreds of cards that each worked differently, and in virtually limitless combinations. Across my many lifetimes I had never come across a game remotely like this. I was certain I could master this game with enough time and practice, and if not for the dire stakes weighing on the outcome on this match I think I would probably even enjoy it. New experiences were something to be treasured for a being with eternal life. But the fate of the Crystal Empire was on the line, and my inexperience was showing. It was a frustrating feeling.
I looked over what cards I had left. It wasn't much to work with, especially in comparison to Unpronounceable’s hand. Though maybe if things went my way and I drew the right cards over the next couple of rounds...
The sudden, faint clinking of metal on metal interrupted my thoughts. I turned to see Luna flying up to me, and did a double-take when I saw her new attire. Fine purple silk covered most of her body, and the few parts of her coat that showed through were covered in a rainbow of gemstones woven into gold and silver necklaces. She had woven even more finery into her nebulous mane and tail, and—somehow—her wings. Every beat of her wings caused the jewelry to clatter together, to the point that I truly wondered how she ever managed to stay aloft.
“Luna?” I asked as she landed on the cloud next to me. “What did you do?”
She grinned and posed for me, her excessive jewelry glittering in the sun. “Do you like it, sister?”
“I ... it is most impressive,” I hazarded. “But where did you get all of that? And why?”
“It is simple.” Luna ran a hoof through her mane, gemstones clacking against her hoof. “I have earned myself a king's ransom from our would-be invaders. It is something I have a talent for, as you know.”
“I am both immensely curious and scared to ask.” My sister did have a knack for capturing the leaders of those who attacked Equestria and ransoming them back to their people. It had been the practice of the day when we had first come to rule, though in more recent centuries it had lost some favor—usually in nations with no major nobility or persons of singular importance. Strangely enough, though, monarchies were often far less willing to part with their leaders than, say, democracies.
“We can thank the Fungerengi Consortium for the recent earthquakes.” My sister waved to the gaping hole in the ground at the edge of the city. “They are some sort of mushroom people whose ways are quite foreign. It seems they were under the impression that we were intentionally causing the end of the world with Flurry.”
In a rare occasion, I found myself momentarily lost for words. If not for the seriousness of the situation, I might have accused my sister of trying to pull my leg. “And I presume you cleared that up?”
“I did.” Luna pulled a scroll from her silk ropes. “I have the armistice in hoof, and the Fungerengi have told me they wish to open peaceful relations with us—for the sake of trade, I believe. I told them I would need to discuss the matter with you before I could proceed any further, but they have granted us some leeway in opening negotiations on account of trying to prevent the end of the world.”
“That is good, then.” At least that crisis was in hoof. I wanted to know all the details, of course, but that would come in good time. Though that left led me to another question. “And ... your current attire?”
“I thought to bring some of my king's ransom with me.” She stretched to better show off her new riches. “The rest will need to be carried up to the surface once the crisis is over.”
I frowned slightly. “You extorted them?” Luna tended to use methods I didn't always approve of, and I didn't want her to do something that would cause bad blood between us and this Consortium. Extortion was the type of diplomatic gaffe that could sour relations for generations.
Luna shrugged. “They invaded the Empire, and I captured their ruler. It was the quickest solution to ending this war—far moreso than mustering our own army, especially since the chaos in the city has occupied them for the time being. Besides, we are going to have to pay for the repairs to the Crystal Empire somehow; best it be from a failed invader who has been chastised for misbehavior.”
She made a strong case. I wasn't sure I completely approved at this juncture, but I didn't want to hurt my sister’s feelings. If nothing else, I could always soothe any hurt egos the Consortium had suffered later once the crisis was over. “I see. Well ... good job?”
Luna smiled brightly. “Thank you. I did try and resolve this matter without too much violence, and I even managed to make friends in the process. Exactly as you would have wished.”
“I am quite proud of you, Luna.” The compliment came far easier this time. No doubt Luna had quite the tale to tell if she somehow made friends after capturing the Consortium leader. “If only my own efforts had gone as well.” I frowned down at the cards currently in play.
Luna tilted her head as she picked up one of the deck boxes. “Accountants and Audits? Sister, have you been playing a card game I’ve been off stopping this invasion?”
I sighed. “It's what the Unpronounceable wanted to do.”
The Unpronounceable struck the table with a gavel.
“Yes, yes, it’s your turn, Unpronounceable,” I said, trying to keep an even tone. “Really, as an immortal being who has been around for eons, you really should have enough patience for me to talk with my sister for a few minutes.”
The Unpronounceable summoned a pair of toy eyes that rolled within their sockets and it drew a card.
Luna frowned. “Let me guess: it challenged you to a game with great stakes?”
“For the fate of the Crystal Empire,” I confirmed
Luna sighed. “So the fate of the entire Crystal Empire depends on the course of one card game?”
“Of course not.” I paused, then clarified. “It's best out of three.”
My sister fixed me with a flat look. “Ah, but of course. That is so much better.”
I narrowed my eyes at her. “Well, considering I lost the first round, I don't see why you're complaining.”
Luna frowned back at me. “And how are you doing now?”
I grimaced as the Unpronounceable laid out more cards in what looked like what was going to be a nasty combo. “It could be going better.”
The Unpronounceable then laid down Competitive Bidding, a card that forces the opposing player to discard two cards each time the owner discards a card. It lifted up its CEO card, Bradford the Exchanger, telling me that it was using the card’s ability, which allowed it to discard cards from its opponent’s hand and draw a new card for each discard card.
I groaned as I was forced to discard the six cards on my stand. “That card is ... ugh. This is exactly how it beat me last time.”
Luna lowered her head to read the text of Competitive Bidding. “That card seems rather overpowered, if you ask me.”
I rubbed the sides of my aching temple. “Well, what can I do? I barely know the rules to the game, and there seems to be a card for everything. It's not exactly a friendly game to jump into.”
Luna raised one of her eyebrows. “I take it you have not played any of these new card games before?”
“I'm afraid not. I read through the rule book before we started, but then I had to figure out how to properly build a deck, and that's an experience of trial and error as far as I can tell.”
Luna grinned in the way she always did when she had the upper hoof on me. “Well luckily for us, I have done as you have asked and have been learning about modern times. Including new games like this one.” She turned to face the opposite end of the table. “Unpronounceable, I desire to see the errata for the cards you use.”
The Unpronounceable summoned a whoopie cushion into existence and it deflated to create a less than dignified sound.
“Errata?” I asked. “What's that?”
“It's a list of any errors or changes made to the game,” Luna explained for me. “For a game such as this there are often any number of mistakes made. Sometimes the text on a card is poorly worded or needs to be clarified in its meaning, for example. Or might even have an editing error.”
“So some of the cards might be wrong?” I hadn't even considered that. If that was so, then that could change a great many things.
“Indeed so.” Luna knocked the table. “So present the errata, Unpronounceable. I command it. You are bound to do so, for every player is required to produce the errata for their cards when asked to.”
The Unpronounceable produces another whoopie cushion it deflated, but this time it produced a thick three-ring binder that thumped onto the table.
“Much better.” My sister started flipped through the binder.
“That is a lot of errata,” I said, narrowing my eyes. This was the type of thing that should have been available from the start of our game. Now I had to wonder what else the Unpronounceable had ‘forgotten’ to make available to me.
“Indeed it is.” Luna’s eyes narrowed at the rifts in the sky before returning to the binder. “Aha! That card was made illegal several years ago for being too powerful. I thought as much.”
There was an ominous rumble from the sky above us. The Unpronounceable was no doubt unhappy it had been caught using an illegal card.
I raised an eyebrow. Yes, now I was certain the Unpronounceable had been aware of its misdeeds. No way it hadn't known what it was doing. It knew this game far better than I, and its very nature would require it to know the rules of every game it played. “So I can get all my cards back?”
“That depends.” Luna flipped through the rulebook. “Considering you're playing for the fate of the Crystal Empire, I assume you're using the official rules?”
“I believe so, yes,” I said.
“Then according to the rulebook, anyone that uses an illegal card is disqualified and his or her opponent wins by default.” Luna gave me a mischievous grin. “Congratulations, Tia! You are the victor of this round.”
“Just like that?” After all the trouble is had thus far, it almost didn't seem real. Especially considering the manner I had ‘won’.
Luna shrugged indifferently. “We caught the Unpronounceable cheating, so it forfeits the round.” She grinned evilly. “Isn't that right, Unpronounceable?”
In response, the Unpronounceable’s flipped the table we had been playing on, sending cards flying into the sky.
“Now now,” I chided, “that's not very sportsmarelike.” Despite my tone, I smirked. “Though I do have to ask: don't most tournaments have rules about that kind of behavior?”
Luna smirked alongside me, a conspiracy silently forming between us. “Oh yes, unsportsmarelike conduct can result in everything up to and including expulsion from an event.”
“That would make sense,” I agreed. “So Luna, as the only neutral party to this game, would you say that the Unpronounceable’s conduct has disqualified it?”
“Oh most certainly,” Luna said with false seriousness. “The Unpronounceable, as a eldritch being of such unimaginable power, should know better. An example should be made.”
The cracks in the sky rumbled and turned a furious shade of red. A ball bounced on empty air before coming to rest in front of us, then rocketed upwards. A blinding flash lit the sky, and the cracks slowly mended themselves as the toys, game pieces, and other manifestations of the Unpronounceable’s will floated up. In a matter of moments the sky was clear of cracks, leaving everything as normal as before this whole mess started.
Luna scanned the sky. “I think it is upset it lost.”
I smiled, happy that this particular crisis was over. “How unfortunate.”
“Yes, very unfortunate.” Luna smiled back. “However will we survive?”
“I am sure we will manage.”
Luna chuckled. “Even if it is a bit low to win purely through rules-lawyering.”
“A win is a win, sister.” I shrugged, not being too upset over saving Equestria through such means. At the end of the day, the safety of my ponies was what was most important.
“So it is, and this way we didn't have to fight some eldritch monster whose very existence threatens all of reality,” Luna added.
A voice erupted from the Crystal Arena, shaking the both of us in mid-air. “AFTER THOUSANDS OF YEARS, I AM FREE! LET ALL THE WORLD TREMBLE BEFORE ME AND DESPAIR AS THE GREAT EQUALIZATION BEGINS!”
I sighed and rubbed my brow. “You had to jinx it.”
Shining Armor
“So we agree that this isn't my fault, right?” Starlight hunched her shoulders as she tried to smile apologetically. “I just want it on record for when we have to explain what happened here. Assuming we survive this, that is.”
I rubbed my eyes as I felt my headache returning. Great quantities of magic rose up into the air, like high pressure air blowing its way into a low pressure space. Whatever Starlight’s new cult had summoned, it was big. “I think we have more important things to worry about right now.” After a second I added, “And this is one hundred percent your fault.”
“But-but I can't help it!” Starlight puckered out her lip in a pout. “I had to go through some rough things in my past. Sometime I can't tell what's right or wrong in a situation like this.”
I rolled my eyes at her sob story. I'd heard at least three versions of this during my time in the Guard, and I didn't have the time or the patience for it right now. “Yes yes, I'm sure some massive childhood trauma caused you to have an irresistible impulse to make terrible decisions. Now how about you actually be useful and help me fix this?”
Starlight beamed. “I can do that.”
“Good. Any ideas?” I narrowed my eyes. “Which don't involve you becoming a cult leader and summoning demons?”
Starlight bit her lip for a moment. “Could you define 'summoning demons’?”
I groaned and pressed my hoof to my face. “The fact you actually have to ask that doesn't fill me with confidence.”
Starlight glowered in reply. “Hey, there are several definitions for what's technically a demon, never mind all the other types of extraplanar beings out there. I need to know what's in and out of bounds here. You're the one that’s going to get upset if I creatively interpreted your instructions and used some initiative to fix this.”
“Just ... don't magically summon anything.” The last thing I needed Starlight to do was summon another monster. Best case scenario, Egalitrximarious would attack it on sight and catch the Crystal Empire in the crossfire.
“Fine, limit my options,” Starlight grumbled.
“You clearly need limits,” I countered. At this point, I wouldn't trust Starlight to make my coffee. She'd probably end up creating some sort of coffee monster.
She sighed. “Genius is never appreciated in its time.”
“Neither’s stupidity.”
Starlight bared her teeth into something that resembled a smile. “You're so lucky that you're Twilight’s brother and that we don't have time to argue, or I'd give you a piece of my mind.” Before that little threat could hang into the air, she continued. “Anyways, to answer your question on what we can do. We need to act quickly if we want to stop Egalitrximarious. With something that big and powerful, it's possible that it isn't at full power yet. Bringing over its full being into our dimension isn't going to be easy for it, so we might have time to do something to stop it.”
“Sounds like a plan.” It was better than anything I had. I might be able to call on one of the alicorns to pull our rears out of the fire, but the way things were going I doubted any of them would be able to help.
I nodded to a pair of Guardponies and motioned towards Fluffy Cakes and Rainbow Sunshine, both of whom were busy arguing again about ... something. I stopped caring what those two had to say after the first twenty minutes. “Keep an eye on them while I clean up Starlight’s mess.”
They saluted. “Yes, sir.”
That dealt with, I turned to Starlight. “Lead the way. The quicker we get there the sooner we can figure out what needs to be done.”
“It should be in the basement.” She lead the way with me in tow. “Maybe if we can break the magic circle we can cut it off ... ooor just unleash it on the world. Hard to know until we examine what's happening. Something like this shouldn't even be summonable, at least this easily.”
“And yet, it happened,” I said acidly.
“Blame your kid for that,” Starlight grumbled under her breath.
My jaw clenched. “You really enjoy digging yourself deeper, don't you?”
“What?” Starlight asked. “It's true! You can't tell me Flurry isn't involved in all of this. You'll be lucky if ponies don't request request a royal vasectomy after this.”
I scowled, but I couldn’t quite argue with her. “Point being, you are going to help me stop this thing, right? Because I don’t want to have to worry about you suddenly but inevitably betraying me when my back’s turned.”
“Well it'd be one thing if I was in control of Egalitrximarious, because then maybe I could put it to some good use.” Starlight blinked and then quickly added, “If I was still into the whole equalization thing, that is.”
“Naturally,” I said evenly. By this point, I was certain Starlight had been planning to use Egalitrximarious from the beginning. I was just counting my blessings that it backfired on her.
Starlight nodded as we descended down the stairs. “Thing is, it looks like Rainbow Sunshine unleashed it instead of keeping it contained. Now that it's free in our dimension, it’s liable to do something like make everypony exactly the same down to the last atom, or spread all matter and energy around the universe evenly in an attempt to make everything equal. And to be frank, I don't want my atoms smeared across the galaxy to make everything same-y.”
“Try and remember that before you and your cult summon something next time,” I snapped. “Or better yet, no more cults or summoning at all. Ever.”
Starlight ground her teeth together. “I'll keep that in mind.”
As we headed deeper into the basement I saw exactly what the cultists were up to. We reached the bottom of the stairs and found ourselves in a storage room that looked like it had been hastily repurposed by Starlight’s cultists. Crates and other supplies had been pushed to the walls to create an open space in the center of the room.
The cultists had drawn a chalk circle onto the floor, and the runes surrounding it glowed with their own pale light. The gathered cultists formed a ring, bowing in supplication towards the … thing, in the circle. The being was unlike anything I had never seen before. It looked crystalline in makeup, with thin strands of light blue crystal crisscrossing this way and that in a complex web that was nearly impossible to follow. It thrummed with level of energy that I had only felt from the Royal Sisters on the few rare occasions when they had actually cut loose.
“I'm guessing that Egalitrximarious?” I asked, more as a statement than a question.
Starlight nodded, her eyes wide as she took in the sight before us. “It looks like it. That fits every description I've heard of.”
“Great.” I pressed my lips together as I considered my options. “Wait here while I talk with it.”
Starlight’s jaw dropped as her head snapped towards me. “What, just like that?!”
I shrugged. “Trying to slug it out with that thing isn’t going to work, so I might as well see if I can talk it down.” Before Starlight could raise any further protests, I stepped forward.
I felt Egalitrximarious’ attention focus on me, and its crystalline form glowed slightly brighter. “Prince Shining Armor, I sense great unequality in you. You are greater than the ponies around you in power, station, wealth, and more. This will not do for my plans for this world. Have you come to submit yourself to the Great Equalization?”
“No,” I told it. Sure, I’d had several pretty lucky breaks in my life, but I wasn’t like I should feel bad about that. Really, my abilities and station just let me better be able to help and protect ponies, so I wasn’t inclined to let some eldritch monster tinker with that just for ‘equality’.
“Your objection is irrelevant in face of what is to come,” Egalitrximarious replied evenly. “Your feelings will become neutral, your opinions balanced, your very being equalized. It is how it should and will be.”
Great, so it was as bad as I thought. Stupid Starlight and her stupid crazy monster-summoning cult... “So why did you ask me if I wanted to be equalized if you're gonna do it anyway?”
“It is good to know how much effort I must expend,” the demon explained. “There is much work to be done in this world of endless disparity, and you will be among the first to be freed.”
An idea struck me, and I tried not to smile as I kept talking. “So, wait—you'll equalize me regardless of whether or not I wish to be equalized? Is that right?”
The entity nodded. “Yes. Once I have harnessed enough of my strength then my work can begin.”
“But it doesn't seem very equal to impose your will on others who have an equally valid viewpoint.”
A slight tremor seemed to run through the eldritch being, and seconds passed by before it replied. “No. There is only one truth: that of Equalization.”
I rubbed my chin in thought. “And aren't you vastly more powerful than me?”
There was another long pause. “Yes.”
“Well that doesn't seem very equal, does it?”
Egalitrximarious started vibrating in place. “Yes! But—I am ... equality, but ... But I am not equal. That is—I am—” Cracks started spreading all over its surface, beams of light flowing out of the seams. “How can ... this doesn't not equal itself. Could I have... Disparity?! No! I c-cannot be!”
Egalitrximarious shattered in a blinding light with enough force to knock me to the ground.
Time passed before I was able to register anything around me again. I blinked against the spots covering my vision to see the gathered cultists all staring in a daze at the empty magic circle. Of Egalitrximarious, there was nothing left; whether he had been outright destroyed or merely banished back to his realm, I could only guess. For now, it was gone. That was enough.
Starlight slowly stepped up besides me, slackjawed. “Did you just ... logic him to death?”
“Looks like it,” I said.
She tilted her head as she looked at me. “You actually thought that was going to work?”
“I was just making it up as I went.” I shrugged, too tired to explain what had been going through my head at the time. Really, the whole idea had been a desperate attempt to head off a disaster, and the fact that it worked was nothing short of a miracle.
“You're crazy, you know that?”
I shot her a flat glare. “Look who's talking.”
Starlight scowled. “I'm not crazy.”
“Sure you're not,” I said without even attempting to sound genuine.
Starlight rolled her eyes. “So now what?”
I checked the time on a nearby clock, then headed back towards the stairs. “I think I’m going to have all these cultists arrested. The reinforcements I’ve been waiting for should be in the coliseum here soon.” Not that they couldn’t be here soon enough. If I never saw a black cloak again for the rest of my life, it would be too soon.
Starlight followed close after me. “Well, the good news is that they'll be easy to arrest now I've equalized most of them.” She smiled in that strained manner she always seemed to us when she tried to put a good spin on one of her mistakes. “They couldn't fight their way out of a wet paper bag in their current state. I pretty much mean that literally—one of the drawback to equalization is that it puts everypony on the lowest common denominator.”
“I noticed,” I groused. “Oh, and speaking of, clean off your fake cutie mark.”
Starlight glanced back at her face equal sign cutie mark and sighed. She brushed off the false mark with a quick spell, revealing her actual cutie mark. “Promise not to tell Twilight?”
I glowered at her. “Oh no, she's hearing all about this.”
Starlight groaned and covered her eyes. “I'm going to be in so much trouble when we get back to the palace. She’s going to make me write a report about this, I just know it! Just like she did last time I screwed up.” She shivered in revulsion. “So much red ink.”
Cadance
“Cadey, if you could keep that demon from biting my face off while I work, I'd really appreciate it.” Twilight somehow kept her attention on the arcane sigils she was drawing on the floor as the demon swooped down on her.
The demon looked like someone had the spare parts of a pug, a hawk, and a pig, and had glued them all together with the skill of a small child with more enthusiasm than artistic ability. It screeched as it dove at Twilight, fangs and talons at the ready.
“Sure thing.” I fired a beam of magic, sending the demon tumbling through the air and into the far wall. The demon exploded in a haze of sulfuric smoke as the demon dissipated and returned to its home plane.
“Thanks.” Twilight kept working with a piece of chalk. We had cleared out the floor of a room next to the library, and she was hard at work preparing the ritual to prevent Flurry’s possession. “This would be going a lot quicker if I didn't keep getting interrupted.”
“I'll make sure to send the Abyss a strongly worded letter later noting our displeasure,” I announced with a grin.
Twilight paused long enough to return my grin. “I'm sure that will show them.” She looked around, frowning. “Have you seen Starlight yet? She’s been gone for hours now, and I'm really starting to get worried. I could have really used her help with this.”
“I haven't seen her.” Starlight had slipped out on us when we had been busy with ... I honestly couldn't remember anymore. All the monster attacks had started blending together.
“Hopefully she isn't in trouble.” Twilight’s frown deepened. “Or getting into trouble.”
I sighed, really not having the energy to worry about Twilight’s wayward pupil. She was a grown mare, unlike my daughter, who was in trouble. “Well whatever the case might be...”
I trailed off as I saw a thick black smoke drift under a nearby door and started to coalesce into a vaguely equine shape. Red eyes opened, as did a maw with far too many obsidian teeth. “I am Ssxzthkpbthwxzq the Unmentionable, and I come to—”
“Come back when you have some vowels in your name!” I fired off another a beam of concentrated light and love. The spell burned a hole right through its chest, and it let out a howl of pained rage as pink fire consumed it that would probably be part of my nightmares for the next few months.
Twilight grumbled under her breath as she kept writing, unphased by the latest attack. “I swear, the only way this day could get worse is if Discord came to join in on the fun.”
“Are we sure he isn't responsible for any of this?” There was certainly enough mayhem going around to make the Spirit of Chaos happy.
“Positive,” Twilight growled. “I checked in on him when everything started, and he swears he has nothing to do with this. Instead, he’s just sitting on the sidelines watching everything go down. Claimed he was on vacation, or some stupid excuse.” She frowned deeply. “He even had a drink with a umbrella in it and a bag of popcorn. He could at least give us a little bit of help as we try and save Equestria. Jerk.”
“It's probably best not to introduce any more unpredictable elements anyways,” I pointed out. “We've got enough to deal with without Discord’s ... assistance.” I wasn't exactly eager to ask for his aid after his ‘help’ against Tirek. Especially where my daughter was concerned. I wasn't that desperate yet.
The door burst open, interrupting our discussion yet again. I prepared another attack spell, ready to bring down whatever extraplanar invader was next, but stopped myself when I saw who entered.
Rainbow Dash flew into the room in a blur of color. “We got it!”
Rarity wasn't that far behind her. “We have the vase!”
Applejack nodded with satisfaction as she trailed the group. “Took a bit of doin', but we got it.”
I let out a relieved sigh. “That's great news. I knew we could depend on you.”
“Of course.” Rainbow threw out a few punches at empty air. “We'd never let you down.”
Twilight smiled brightly, turning away from her work for the first time in a couple of hours. “Way to go girls. Where is it? There isn't any time to lose.”
“Here you go, darling.” Rarity levitated the vase out of Applejack’s saddlebags and gave it to Twilight. The clay vase looked ancient, and sported multiple runes that ran along its surface. I hadn't gotten all the details from Twilight, but apparently it was central to whatever ritual she had planned to save Flurry.
“That crypt you sent us to check out was like something out of Daring Do!” Rainbow zipped around the room. “There were booby traps, collapsing walls, winding mazes...”
Applejack nodded. “And that's not even getting into the giant spiders and talkin' mushrooms that Princess Luna had to save us from. Ya know, before today, that would been the weirdest thing t'say. Now that don' even make the top ten.”
Rainbow shrugged uncaringly. “Eh, normal is boring.”
“There was certainly nothing boring about this little adventure,” Rarity huffed, looking into a mirror to try and salvage her disheveled mane.
“Are you girls okay?” I checked them over for injuries. “You were gone for a pretty long time and we we're starting to get worried.” All of them looked the worse for wear, though none of them looked any worse than me or Twilight. Each of them sported their fair share of bruises and cuts, and they were more than roughed up enough to justify a good day at the spa. But they were here and safe, and that's what mattered.
Rainbow snorted and waved a dismissive hoof. “We're fine. No big deal—just one of the most epic, adventuring quests ever! Really, you need to hear all about it later. The other Wonderbolts are going to be super jealous when they hear about all the awesome stuff we got to do!”
Rarity cleared her throat, indicating that she wasn't quite as thrilled by their adventures. “We would have been back sooner, but I'm afraid we ran across a few emergencies that we just couldn't ignore.”
I grimaced. “Do I want to know? The whole city is a mess right now.”
“There was a group of ponies being chased by a giant foam lizard on a wire,” Rainbow reported. “Which was just weird.”
“And that one horrid demon we ran across, Groteous the Uncomely.” Rarity shivered in revulsion. “It was horrible, Twilight! The beast tried to make me wear plaid! PLAID!”
“That's ... terrible?” Twilight asked uncertainly.
“And not even good plaid, it was pink and acid green!” Rarity covered her mouth, her cheeks turning green. “I'm just glad we stopped the horrible brute. Who knows what sorts of crimes against fashion that thing might have caused?”
“Don't forget about the monster ewes,” Rainbow added. “Their wool tried to drag anypony they could grab into them. And inside was a weird place that made me feel like I was on drugs, althought I have to admit that was kinda cool to fly through.”
“An' then mah hat tried t'eat me.” Applejack took a moment to carefully tap her hat. “Pretty sure it ain't playin' possum anymore, though. It tried trickin’ me earlier but Ah got wise to its ways.”
Rainbow crossed her forelegs over her chest as she gave Applejack a flat look. “Told you you needed to wash that thing more often.”
Applejack narrowed her eyes. “Oh, quiet you.”
“Was there anything you weren't attacked by?” Twilight asked.
Applejack rubbed her chin. “Apples?”
As if in response, an uneaten apple that had been sitting on a nearby desk turned, revealing a sharp-toothed maw and glowing red eyes. “At last! I, Appletrimaritus the All-Devouring, was just waiting for you fools to drop your guard! Now my day has come!” It shook with a unroaraous laugh.
Applejack’s scrunched up in confusion at the sight of the apparently demon-apple-thing.
Rainbow snerked and then laughed. “Ha! Even apples have failed you, AJ!”
Rarity sighed and flicked her hoof at Appletrimaritus. “Twilight, darling, could you be a dear deal with that?”
Twilight groaned and massages the bridge of her nose. “I am not in the mood for this.” A blast of magic energy shot from her horn and struck Appletrimaritus. It exploded, and plastering the room with applesauce.
Rarity squeaked and quickly jumped behind Rainbow, whose wings spread on reflex just in time to catch pulped demon apple. I didn't bother to do more than shield my eyes as it splashed me; I was already covered by much fouler smelling ichors from the various monstrosities I had destroyed over the last couple of days. At least this wasn't acidic.
“Gyah!” Rainbow flicked a wing to try and get some of the applesauce off of her—and onto me and Twilight. “Seriously, you know how long it'll take me to clean this gunk out of my wings? Bleh...”
Rarity, apple free, stood up and huffed as she beheld the mess. “I never knew there were so many demons of such horrible random and petty things! There should be rules against this type of thing.”
Applejack’s eyes twitched as half an apple core rolled off her nose. “You low-down cracker-croakin' excuse of a fruit! How dare you tarnish the goodly nature of apples?!” She tossed her hat to the ground and stomped repeatedly on it.
For its part, Applejack’s hat squealed every time she brought her hoof down on it. “EEK! Oog! GLAH!”
“Aw shuddup, you.” Applejack stomped a few more time before she snapped her hat back into her head, though it now lay on her head like a wet noodle. “I’ll be happy if Ah never have another day like this again.”
I covered my face with a hoof and whispered to myself. “Please let Flurry grow out of this, pleaseletFlurrygrowoutofthis. PleaseletFlurrygrowoutofthis.” Foals were supposed to be a hooffull, but this was utterly ridiculous. I could only hope that this type of thing wasn’t going to become a regular occurrence with her, or it was going to be a serious crimp on my and Shining’s family planning. I took a long breath to steady myself; I had to and hold myself to the standards of a princess, whatever toll the stress and fatigue of my duties. “Did you at least get what you needed, Twilight?”
Twilight nodded. “Yep. This looks exactly like the vase in my books. I can do the ritual with the Disk of Breezy Ice , and it should be right here inside of the vase...” She carefully removed the lid from the vase and groped inside. Her smile turned into a frown. After a few moments of searching, she withdrew her hoof and looked inside the vase. “Um, girls, where's the disk?”
“What disk?” Rarity asked, a flicker of confusion crossing her features.
“Yeah, what disk?” Rainbow scratched behind her ear. “You never said anything about a disk. You told us to get the vase!”
Applejack scratched the side of her head. “That's all there was, Twi—Ah didn't see anythin' else near the vase.”
I felt a lurch in my stomach. This was a joke right? Some cruel, awful joke? Surely during the thousands of years the vase and disc had been entombed in some abandoned dungeon some intrepid adventurer hadn’t already looted what we needed, right?
“B-b-but the disk was supposed to be inside the vase!” Twilight upturned the vase and shook it, but nothing came out. “I told you all about it... Didn't I?” She blinked a couple of time, the bags under her eyes obvious. She was probably running purely on coffee by this point.
“Yeah, no,” Rainbow said flatly. “You didn't.”
“You just said to get the vase,” Rarity told her. “You never mentioned the disk.”
“There wasn't anything else in the room but the vase anyway,” Rainbow added. “Plus, when we took it off the pedestal the room fell down around us. Kinda like in Daring Do and the.... well, okay, pretty much every Daring Do story.”
Twilight eyes slowly widened. “Uh-oh.”
Applejack grimaced. “Whooee, there’s a phrase Ah never like hearin’ outta her.”
“‘Uh-oh’ and Twilight usually ends up going as well together as Pinkie Pie and ‘extra caffeine’,” Rainbow agreed.
“Um, Twilight, are we in trouble?” I asked, already having a sinking feeling I knew the answer to that question.
“This is really, really bad.” Twilight put the vase to the side and snatched up a couple of scrolls to read over. “I needed that disk to stop Flurry from being possessed. Without it—”
The palace shook as a harsh red light flowed through the crystal of the building.
“Flurry!” My chest tightened as I realized what was happening. “The possession must be happening right now! We have to stop it!”
Twilight grabbed a variety of objects from the table and shoved them into her saddlebags. “Okay, we’re falling back on Plan B. I'll just have to hope that an exorcism works.”
We all ran to the library. Flurry hovered in the center of the room, the red runes covering her body glowing brighter and brighter. Fluttershy, Pinkie, and Spike were slowly picking themselves up from the floor. Before I could ask what had happened, a burst of pressure from Flurry nearly knocked me off my hooves. Fluttershy rubbed her head, bracing herself against the wall to help hold herself up. “Um, I'm not an expert on this type of thing, but I think this is bad.”
Twilight turned to me. “We need to restrain her before—”
A pair of red bands of energy shot from Flurry’s horn and struck Twilight in the side. She hit the wall hard enough to blast the air out of her lungs, and black chains formed and wrapped themselves around her, pinning her against the wall.
Flurry opened red glowing eyes, and a menacing smile that didn't belong to my daughter spread across her face. When she spoke, it was with a voice far too deep and loud to be her own. “AT LAST! I, DAGGOTH THE DESTROYER, HAVE RETURNED TO CONQUER THIS PUNY WORLD!” The demon possessing my daughter laughed heartily. “DESPAIR LITTLE PONIES! A DARK AGE OF—”
He suddenly stopped speaking and wrinkled up Flurry’s tiny nose. He looked down and exmained his vessel, then screamed in rage. “WHY AM I POSSESSING AN INFANT!?”
Spike leaned in to whisper to Twilight. “Um, shouldn't he know that, considering he set all of this up to start with?”
“You would think that,” Twilight growled back.
I stepped forward and glared at this Daggoth, trying to not let any of my fear for Flurry’s safety show. “I’d like to know myself, because I certainly didn't approve this, and I’m Flurry’s mother.”
Daggoth growled deeply with Flurry’s throat. “I WAS SUPPOSED TO POSSESS FLURRY WHEN SHE WAS A TEENAGER FILLED WITH ANGST AND COVERED WITH ACNE! I AM A DEMON LORD, A BEING OF UNSURPASSED POWER WHOSE NAME BRINGS FEAR TO WORLD, AND NOW I’M WEARING A DIAPER! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY!”
“You tell us.” Twilight teleported out of her bindings and reappeared next to me. “It's your ritual that caused this—you tell us what went wrong.”
“Also, could you use your inside voice?” Pinkie added. “We can hear you just fine if your talk normally, you know.”
“NEVER!” Daggoth roared. “AND AS FOR WHAT WENT WRONG...” Flurry’s eyes glowed brighter and Daggoth turned his gaze up to look at something none of us could see. After a moment, her lips peeled back in a snarl. “YOU STUPID PONIES! YOU’VE RECLASSIFIED PLUTROT AS A DWARF PLANET?!”
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Wait, that matters?”
“OF COURSE IT MATTERS!” Daggoth quivered with rage. “IT ISN'T EASY TO ALIGN THE PLANETS AND STARS FOR MILLENNIA-OLD PROPHESIES, YOU KNOW. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'VE DONE?!”
“Enacted a more clearly defined planetary classification system?” Twilight hazarded.
Daggoth didn’t seem to appreciate her answer. “I AM A DEMON LORD, A BEING WHOSE VERY NAME INSPIRES FEAR AND DREAD FOR UNTOLD EONS I HAD RULED MY VILE REALM OF EVIL—AND NOW I'M WEARING A DIAPER! THIS IS HUMILIATING!”
“How about this as a solution then?” I told him—or at least I was guessing it was a him. One can never quite tell with ancient evils. “You leave Flurry alone and we forget all about this incident.” I narrowed my eyes. “You won't like the alternatives if you hurt my daughter. Trust me.”
Daggoth wrinkled Flurry’s brow into a scowl. “I THINK NOT.”
A shockwave of magic energy pulsed out of Flurry and struck everypony in the room, sending us flying. Spots flashed over my vision from the shock of the impact. Before I had time to recover, I felt black chains wrap around my body and pin me to the floor and wall. A quick look around the room showed that everypony else was also trapped by the chains. I struggled against my restraints, but they held me fast. I summoned my magic, but Daggoth struck me with a counterspell that sent an irrepressible wave of nausea and vertigo through me, disrupting my magic.
“FLURRY WILL JUST HAVE TO GROW INTO ME,” Daggoth announced with utter contempt. “AND NOPONY IN ALL OF EQUESTRIA CAN STOP ME!” He chortled deep within Flurry’s throats before bursting out into an unrepressed and uproarious laugh.
“Yeah, but what about a dragon?” Spike glared up at Daggoth, glaring at the demon as he met his gaze with crossed arms.
I tried to warn Spike to get away from the demon, but the chains around me tightened and cut off my words.
Daggoth sneered down at Spike. “A BABY DRAGON?” He barely repressed another laugh as he levitated down near Spike. “OH, THIS IS RICH. DO YOU HONESTLY THINK YOU CAN STOP ME, WYRMLING?”
Spike set his jaw. If he was intimidated by the demon lord he didn't show it. “Yeah, I think I can.”
Daggoth barked a laugh. “AND PRAY TELL, HOW DO YOU PLAN ON DOING THAT, PUNY LITTLE CREATURE? I AM DAGGOTH THE DESTROYER, PUNISHER OF WORLDS, DARK MASTER OF FELL REALMS, AND FUTURE RULER OF EQUESTRIA. I POSSESS BOTH THE POWER OF A DEMON LORD AND ALICORN. I HAVE NO WEAKNESSES. I AM INVINCIBLE!”
Spike smirked ever so slightly. “Yeah? Well maybe you don't have any weaknesses, but Flurry does.” Before he could reply to that, Spike snatched Flurry out from the air, wrapped an arm around her and and tickled her belly with his free claw. Daggoth started laughing under the onslaught and flailed helplessly.
“S-STOP!” Daggoth tried to cast a spell, but only useless sparks of magic shot out of Flurry’s horn as Spike disrupted his spellcasting. “I-I CAN'T CON-CONCENTRATE!”
“That was the idea.” Spike held onto Flurry despite all of Daggoth’s attempts to squirm free, and he didn't stop tickling her for a moment. He looked up to Twilight. “Hey, think you could give me a hoof here? I won't be able to keep this up forever.”
“I'm on it!” Twilight cast another teleportation spell and freed us with a pop of magic.
The instant I was clear, I turned to her. “Twilight, the exorcism ritual!”
“Way ahead of you!” Twilight pulled a piece of chalk out of her saddlebags and drew a circle around Spike and Flurry. “Keep it up, Spike. I just need a couple of minutes to pull this off.”
Daggoth laughed in spite of his desperate flailing. “NO! NO! I-I CAN'T B-BE BEATEN THIS WAY! IT'S TOO-TOO E-EMBARRASSING! ALL THE OTHER DEMONS WILL L-LAUGH AT ME I-IF I'M DEFEATED BY SOME WYRMLING TICKLING ME!”
“That's not my problem,” I snarled. Perhaps not the most forgiving stance, but after a couple of days without sleep and my daughter on the line, I wasn't in a very forgiving mood.
Twilight pulled out an old staff covered in arcane runes and a stoppered glass piece. She uncorked the glass and splashed the water onto Flurry. The runes in her staff lit with magenta magic and Twilight’s eyes glowed from the magic she summoned for the ritual. “Daggoth the Destroyer, I cast you out! Daggoth, in the name of friendship I denounce and banish you! Daggoth, leave my niece alone so that all this stupid madness can end and I can finally get some bucking sleep! I exorcise you banish you back to your realm, preferably never to return!”
“NOOO!” The runes on Flurry glowed all the brighter as Daggoth struggled in vain. “I WON'T FORGET THIS, PONIES! YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME! I'LL BE BACK.”
“Could you not?” Rainbow asked with a deep frown. “‘Cause you're a pretty big jerk.”
Applejack nodded. “Can't say Ah’ll miss the backside of ya.”
“Um.” Spike grimaced as Flurry started vibrating. “Should I still be holding her right now?”
Twilight puckered out her lips in concentration. “Probably not when she’s experiencing a magical buildup which could result in—”
Before she could finish, a blinding light filled the room, and I grimaced and covered my face with my wings. Moments passed before dots over my vision cleared leaving me with a welcome sight: Flurry was no longer covered by demonic runes, and she gurgled happily as Spike held her.
Spike, for his part, was covered from head to toe in ash, and blinked dumbly as Flurry squirmed in his arms. “Ow.”
“Here,” I offered, “let me take Flurry.” I gently lifted my daughter into my arms.
Twilight looked Spike over. “Are you okay, Spike?”
Spike raised his arms to check them. “Let me make sure nothing’s missing and then I’ll get back to you.”
If he was well enough to joke then he was probably okay. Thus letting me concentrate wholly on my daughter.
“Is that it?” I looked around us, seeing if any unforeseen threats lurked around us. “Is it over?”
Twilight nodded. “I’m pretty sure I got off the exorcism just fine. Flurry doesn’t seem to be possessed at least.”
I let out a relieved sigh. “Thank goodness, it’s all over.”
“Yep. Now all that’s left is repair millions in property damage to the Crystal Empire and deal with a population deeply traumatized by the last few days.” Twilight gave me a strained smile. “Yay?”
I rubbed my aching temple. “It could be worse.”
“Huzzah! Spike the Dragon has saved us from our terrifying future ruler!” one of my servants called from a nearby doorway. “Spike’s our hero again! Three cheers for Spike the Hero, Vanquisher of Flurry Heart, Bringer of the Apocalypse!”
I groaned as more of the palace servants cheered. Fixing Flurry’s reputation alone was going to be a job all in of itself.