He made across the room to reach her, then froze. He fought his inactivity, pushing himself to reach out to her, but his body would not obey. Then, slowly, as if wading through honey, he made his way to her and let out a long shuddering breath. He touched her mane, pulling back when he felt moisture and staring at his paw in bafflement.
Dark black-red glistened on each pale claw. He wasn't sure what it was, even though he felt he should know, somehow. But it and Fluttershy didn’t go together. How could they?
Her wings were bent at impossible angles, every bone in them broken. Most of her feathers had been pulled out, the skin along with them, revealing slender bones ending in twisted points. Many of them looked as if they had been twisted over and over again like spirals before they had shattered. Most of her tail had also been cut off and ripped out, the sign of the weapon used apparent in a long open gash down her hind leg. Her forelegs, obviously fractured, had been tied together and her right hoof partially hacked off. Her ribcage sat at an odd angle, with two ribs looking as if they were about to break through the red and black bruises that covered her torso.
His control crumbled and he gathered Fluttershy in his arms. She was light, broken, her body moving as if in pieces loosely put together with string. He brushed rosy strands of hair from her face, revealing blood-streaked cheeks. One of her eyes was blackened and shut tightly, but the other was partly open.
“Fluttershy,” he said, his voice barely audible. His entire body shook and he was absently aware it was completely out of the realm of his control. He jerked when she gasped, blood sputtering from her mouth. She winced, then opened her good eye wide and looked toward the wall.
Tears threatened to spill from Discord's eyes for one terrible moment as he held her closer, but he couldn't close them. “Fluttershy, don't….” His voice caught and he lay his head over hers. “I love you.”
Fluttershy did not seem aware of Discord at all, but stared at the scratched wall with alarming intensity, and with one final quiver the life left her face and she was gone.
***
How Starlight stopped Chrysalis, how Twilight and the other princesses and their friends escaped, Discord didn't know. Events went by in an endless blur, the voices a cacophony from a nightmare. A night passed, then another; Twilight must have been expecting him, but how could he face her? How could he face any of them? His insides twisted when he thought of her parents, her brother. What would he say to them?
Why would they want to hear from you? he thought angrily. She didn't love you. They're not expecting anything from you. They don’t even know who you are.
He wished he could to go to them. He wanted to sit with them and cry, “I know! I know what you’re feeling because I loved her, too! We can take comfort in each other’s sorrow. I will do what I can to help you, and maybe you can help me, too.” But he didn’t dare.
He couldn’t get her image out of his head, but it was not the pleasant, sweet visage of a young and gentle pony, but that of a mutilated corpse. How much must she have hurt? Had she called out for him? He could not imagine it, but echoes of her screaming flooded his mind anyway, and the harder he fought them off the stronger they became.
He crumpled to the ground of the Everfree Forest where he’d stayed in the shadows and lay his head on the cool earth as if listening for its heartbeat. He couldn’t think of anything, couldn’t make himself stand or sleep or run or eat. If only he could get her to stop screaming.
He had been too afraid, too guilt-ridden to consider returning to his own dimension. It felt too much like running away, though it was all he wanted to do. He felt he owed his friends an apology or some explanation at least that might help them understand what had happened, and his role in it. But he couldn’t say it. He hadn’t uttered a word in days, and then found he could not speak even when he tried to.
They were hardly avoidable, however, in the confines of Equestria. Besides, he had remained in Ponyville and he couldn’t escape anyone there. His body felt like ice as he arrived in Twilight’s castle courtyard after receiving a timid summons from the princess, delivered by a nameless pony in a dark mourning shroud.
Twilight and her friends were in the yard, the four that were left, each of them looking more miserable than the last. Twilight was watching him carefully.
Applejack and Pinkie Pie were also quiet, and Rarity had draped a square of black lace over head which covered her face. She was lying on the grass, her head on her forelegs and her face turned away from everyone, silently sobbing. Spike was sitting near her, almost touching, watching her with watery eyes. Rainbow Dash, however, had no qualms about speaking her mind. “You got her killed,” she spat. “It was you. Chrysalis wouldn't have ever singled her out if it weren't for you!”
“Chrysalis is just too cruel,” Pinkie said, her eyes welling with tears.
Applejack frowned. “Y'all need to hang on a minute-”
“Just say something, will you?” Rainbow Dash glared at Discord. “If you liked her so much, say something!”
Discord mustered every ounce of strength he had to look at them all, then hung his head. He wanted to speak, wanted to sink to the ground and tear off his own scales, apologize and beg for forgiveness from everypony. But his body was numb and would not allow it.
“Leave him be, Rainbow Dash,” Twilight said. “I didn’t ask him to come here so you could yell at him.”
“He shouldn’t be here at all! We wouldn’t be burying our friend- our sister- if he’d stayed in that stone prison like he was supposed to!”
“Rainbow, stop it.”
Discord disappeared. Weeks went by, which he spent in silence. Celestia and Luna held a long and somber ceremony to honor Fluttershy. It seemed every pony in Equestria had come, though it rained hard that day and for the next week and the train was stalled. Rainbow Dash hadn’t seemed interested in maintaining Ponyville’s sunny skies since the battle.
There was an equally melancholy ceremony to congratulate Starlight Glimmer, Trixie, Thorax, and Discord himself for saving Equestria, but Discord was too sad and too tired to care very much. He hovered in the garden of the castle that day, trying to find solace in the quiet greenery, but it never came.
It was decided they would bury her on the edge of the Everfree Forest, just behind her cottage. They moved her belongings out of her home to Canterlot and dismantled the walls to help build a low enclosure around the grave. Then there was great pomp when Twilight and her friends planted a small sapling for Fluttershy on top of her grave. It was a slender young ash, barely higher than the Cutie Mark Crusaders' knees, but again Discord maintained his distance.
Fluttershy's family and her woodland friends were in attendance at the funeral, comforting one another as best they could. Harry was draped over the wall, hiding his face, and Constance and her fellow birds were dotted around the base of the ash, silent and still. Angel was inconsolable, lying on his belly, his muddied white fur hiding the trunk of the sapling as he sobbed. He wouldn't let anyone near him.
In a gilded plaque along the wall was engraved:
Fluttershy of Cloudsdale and Ponyville
Caretaker of all Beasts, Lover of Kindness,
and Friend Forever
He wanted to die, too. He wished it and at times even begged for it. He would have gladly taken Fluttershy’s place in an instant.
How could this world be so unfair? Why would he have softened his heart for others if he knew how painful losing them would be? How could all the other creatures in Equestria stand it? Wouldn’t it be better to live alone forever? Life might be lonely, but it would spare this.
It was unbearable. He’d felt his love for her for such a long time that having her ripped from his protection created a pain so unreal he couldn’t really understand it. What would Fluttershy want him to do?
She’s dead; she doesn’t want you to do anything. She can’t see or hear you. She doesn’t know you.
But if death was not his answer, then what was? Where must he go and who must he find to fill this emptiness? It had to be somewhere far, in another dimension and another world with other beings where he could turn all of his memories to dust.
Discord slowly found his voice again, though his words were not ones he wished to share with anyone else. But still he had to eat. He had to awaken each morning and go to bed every night. To him it was like living in a cruel circus show; a grotesque parody of reality that he could never escape.
For a short time he returned to his own realm, but found no solace there. His guilt kept him from forgetting Equestria and everyone in it, but he wasn't sure which place was worse. Being home made him lonely, and being lonely made him think of her, while being in Equestria only made him want to hide and tormented him with flashbacks of their time together.
Fluttershy's friends kept to themselves, barely looking up when they walked around Ponyville to attend to their errands. Twilight and Celestia, at any rate, seemed worried about him, and Twilight finally summoned him to her castle one brisk autumn morning and this time she and Discord were alone.
“Thank you for coming to see me,” Twilight said. Her voice, much like Discord’s, was quiet and hoarse. Still, she had been more or less unscathed by the events of the last month, a thought which infuriated Discord even though a small part of him pressed that it wasn’t Twilight’s fault. Not exactly. But any weak spark of blame he had felt toward the princess had been quickly pushed aside when the guilt of his own actions continued to pelt him. And the worst of it was, everyone else thought he was guilty, too.
Twilight had waited for him to speak, but offered him a chair when he remained silent. “I’m sorry to bother you… that is, sorry to call on you when you might be busy. Or prefer to be alone. But we’re worried about you.”
“What for, Twilight?”
She looked up at him in surprise. “Because of what happened. Because Fluttershy was important to you. At least as important as she was to us.”
There’s still an ‘us’, he thought darkly. But why not? You were never one of them. Only Fluttershy made you feel worth something. He winced and squeezed his head between his paw and talon. What would it take to get her out of his head? “Yes,” he finally said. “And now she’s dead.”
Twilight bowed her head so low it was almost touching the polished floor; Discord absently noted that it cast almost a perfect reflection of her. “Yes,” she said, and her own pained face made her look more confused than upset. “I’m afraid there’s no magic that can bring her back. But, Discord, she’s not suffering anymore. She’s hap-”
“The changelings, they tore her apart!” Discord roared, upending Twilight’s throne.
Twilight jumped from the noise and went still, bracing herself in case anything else went flying. “I mean, she isn’t in pain anymore. Nothing can hurt her ever again.”
“How can you say she’s happy?” Discord’s anguished cry filled the cavernous room. He pulled at his mane, ripping strands of it from his head. “She isn’t here!”
“I know you're angry,” she said, her voice struggling not to break. “I am, too. Discord, you're not the only one who lost her. We're all hurting.”
“Are we.” Discord was staring at the upturned throne; he couldn't bear to turn aside and look at the other ones around the table.
Twilight stepped toward him. “I don't know how to help you; I can't even help myself. But pushing everyone away won't make you feel better.”
Discord dug one of his claws into the center table, carving a deep line down the length of it. “And is that your expert opinion?” he asked, his voice a dangerous growl.
“Yes,” Twilight whispered.
“You're just a filly compared to me,” he snarled. “Princess or not, you'll never be as old as I am right now. How can you know what's best for me?”
“I don't-”
“It wasn't you who tried to rescue someone and failed! You never fail at anything. It wasn't you who ran his mouth off and made her a target.”
“Her association with me automatically made her a target,” Twilight protested, but there wasn't much energy behind her words.
“She was with you. How could you let them take her away?” Even as he spoke the words, he knew he did not desire the answer. “Why didn’t you stop them?” He turned his back to her, afraid of some other emotion he had been fending off since Fluttershy had died in his arms. With some horror he wondered if it was an urge to cry.
Twilight rubbed her tired eyes. “Discord, I've never been through this, either. But I have to believe sticking together, all of us, will be best for us even if we don't see it now.”
Discord shook his head. “I don’t believe it. I might have, but I know what I’ve done to her, and the rest of you know it, too.”
“Discord, please,” Twilight said, and he thought she really did look troubled. “Chrysalis and her changelings are the enemies. You’ve always been on our side-”
“Have I?”
“When it counted,” Twilight admitted.
“That’s it, then,” Discord said, and Twilight was the silent one. She knows it as well as I do. No use arguing semantics. Whether I intended to harm Fluttershy or not, here we are.
Twilight had seen something in his expression that made her even more worried, but he didn’t want any part of her pity. He made to leave, tensing at her hesitant voice; no doubt she was planning to continue micromanaging everything else he was supposed to do, and indeed she began babbling something about "resting first" and "not running off blindly into the night". But he hadn’t the will to argue with her anymore and begrudgingly agreed to her suggestions.
Starlight was huddled close to Trixie under a small awning outside Twilight’s castle, just out of the rain. Starlight looked up, her eyes sad, when she noticed Discord and made to stand up, but Discord shook his head. “Twilight would have me say goodbye to you both,” he said. “She says it's the polite, responsible thing to do.”
Starlight propped herself onto her forelegs, quivering slightly with cold or shock, Discord wasn't sure. “Discord, I... I'm sorry. I tried-”
“Yes,” Discord said, and it was enough to silence them both. He bowed his head to her and Trixie, who had only blinked at him, and continued on his way.
He didn't want to see the others, but he had to for his own well-being (or so Twilight had insisted). Pinkie Pie was his first visit. She had returned home to her family's rock farm and was therefore the farthest to reach. Her somber self, so often hidden from view, had broken past her usual guileless façade and she could not smile when Discord came to call.
“I wanted to apologize to you personally, Pinkie Pie,” he told her, hardly able to look at her blank eyes and straight, unkempt hair. “I'm so sorry. I would never intentionally hurt you or any of our friends.”
Pinkie hesitated, then wiped a tear from her eye. “I know.”
“I hope you'll be all right. You're my friend, and I want you to be happy again.”
Pinkie nodded, sniffling, and something- a smile, maybe- tugged at one corner of her mouth. “I know.” There was nothing more either seemed able to say.
Rarity was in her boarded-up boutiqueand silently opened the door for him. She offered him tea, already steeped and cold, but neither wanted any. Discord found her remarkably composed and quiet, and he had to speak first. “Rarity,” he said quietly, “I am sorry. For everything. For what I've done, and now... please believe me when I say I wanted to help all of you.”
Rarity shook her head, her drooping curls bouncing slightly. “Never mind apologizing, darling. At these times, there's nothing really to say.”
Applejack and Rainbow Dash were next, though he wasn't sure which to seek out first. Applejack wouldn’t be able to hide her disappointment, and Rainbow would surely berate him again. He felt he deserved both.
Applejack was out among the apple trees on her farm, jaw clenched and grim-faced as she went about her chores. Her narrowed eyes relaxed somewhat when she saw him, but she said nothing.
“I'm so sorry, Applejack, for hurting you and....” He still couldn't say her name.
Applejack tipped her hat forward, covering her eyes. “Shucks, Discord. No hard feelin's.”
“Good luck with your farm. Give my regards to your family.”
She nodded and turned away, returning to her work, and Discord disappeared.
Rainbow Dash had been most difficult to find, for she wasn't in Ponyville and she wasn't in Cloudsdale or anywhere else, it seemed. Not that he had any intention of going to Cloudsdale; Fluttershy's parents were there and if he could not bring himself to visit Fluttershy, there was no way he had the strength of character to visit them. But at last he found Rainbow tucked away among the clouds near Canterlot, only darting down to the city when needed.
Discord appeared on a cloud next hers and braced himself. “Rainbow Dash, I'm sorry,” he whispered.
Rainbow perked her ears and looked up at him; she'd been dozing, or trying to, and looked more annoyed that her slumber had been interrupted rather than by the intruder being Discord. She waited for him to continue.
Discord cleared his throat. “I apologize. My friendship with... our friend was most important to me. I would never do anything to hurt her. I know I can't be forgiven, but please let me just say how sorry I am.”
Rainbow was leaning back from him as if trying to dodge his presence. She eyed him for a long while, her brow deeply furrowed, but at last sighed. “Don't apologize to me. I know you can't help what you are.”
Discord felt another pang, a deep-rooted pain in his middle that emanated to each claw and hoof. Rainbow lay back down and turned her back to him, and when she spoke her voice was muffled. “It can't be changed. And I know you're sorry; I don't need to hear it.”
He felt a childlike sense of relief that she hadn't yelled at him, but somehow her despondence made him feel far worse than yelling ever could have.
Slinking back to Ponyville, Discord knew he had to see Twilight once more, to make up for the way he’d acted during their last visit. Or it could have been just that he felt Twilight, as the Princess of Friendship, deserved a formal farewell. She had done her best to keep her friends' spirits up, encouraged them to continue their usual routines, but even she couldn't carry the weight of the loss of their friend. After a month she had holed herself up inside her castle, only helping with what she deemed were true emergencies and delegating much of her work to Celestia and Luna.
He eyed Twilight's Castle, a looming shadow in the rain of the past weeks, but he could not quite bring himself to go there. Not yet. The thought tugged at him. There's somewhere else I have to go first.
He wasn't entirely sure how he'd gotten there, but Fluttershy's sapling was drooping to the west in the strong wind which had just picked up. Most of its leaves were torn off, but a few struggled to remain, fighting the current of air. The enclosure was empty and silent, devoid of all creatures, and he closed his eyes as if seeing his destination would keep him safely from it. But suddenly then he was there, opening his eyes and noting the freshly-polished plaque. He stopped just outside the enclosure and stared at nothing after that. He wanted to go in, needed to be by her and talk to her... apologize to her.
What was the last thing he'd said to her? For days he wracked his brain trying to recall it. He hoped it wasn't something snide or inconsequential. Somehow he remembered saying something along the lines of, “how many teacups does it take to reach Angel’s disdain for me?” in some weak attempt at humor. Why hadn't he said something clever? Or something kind or endearing or which could have expressed his affection for her? He always had to be the prankster, cracking jokes and tormenting others for a laugh, but she hadn't really minded. She had always been kind and gentle to him, feelings he had never really known nor cared about before.
Why did she have to be so nice to me? What did she see in me that made her want to be my friend? I can't do it. I can't go in there… can't tell her.
He had to go away for at least a little while to clear his head and detach himself from her memory, but he promised himself he would be back to see her soon. He didn't know where to go, and had no plan or map or friends in other dimensions to assist him. He would have to forge a new life, if even for a little while. It was his only chance to let her go.
He sought out Twilight Sparkle the next day and wound his way around her castle where he found her in a small windowless room in the tower, red-eyed and mane wild, poring over one of her spell-books. Spike was fast asleep beside her.
“Discord?” Twilight blinked at him, looking dazed.
“I'm sorry, Twilight. I thought I could help.”
Twilight closed her book. “We were all in trouble. It's not your fault.”
Discord nodded slowly, his mind elsewhere.
Twilight rubbed her right leg with a hoof. “Look, the girls will come around. We're just not sure what to do right now. Things are strange.”
“It doesn't matter,” Discord said, backing away from her. “I'm leaving Equestria.”
“But why?” Twilight tilted her head to one side. “Where are you going?”
“You're a good pony, Twilight.”
“Wait, please. We don’t want you to go.”
“You're making an excellent princess.” He gave her a deep bow and disappeared.
He was so close to leaving, so close to getting out of there forever, but one more pony tugged his conscience. He had one more apology, the one he had avoided so far not because he was afraid she would be angry with him, but because he knew that she would be the kind. She would probably want him to stay and remind him his family was in Equestria now, through the good and the bad. But how could she understand what was inside him?
Celestia granted him an audience immediately, looking just as worn as Twilight had, though her eyes were considerably clear and well-rested. “Twilight tells me you're leaving Equestria.” She gave a small smile when she saw the surprise on his face. “Word travels quickly between us.”
Discord nodded.
“Try not to take it so badly,” Celestia said. “They're her family and they're only-”
“I know,” Discord said, his voice quiet. “It doesn't matter.”
Celestia’s smile faded. “I want you to know they won't stop being your friends. It's a difficult time; we've all suffered.”
“How can we be friends? I can't bear to look at them. They feel the same way when they look at me.”
“Discord, Fluttershy-”
“She's gone. She's always been.” And she had been, somehow. She's always been apart from me… a dream I could never reach.
Celestia looked down, giving the draconequus a moment of privacy. “She was a pony with a lot of love for everyone.”
Discord’s head was still bowed, but he then straightened his shoulders and glanced behind him to the open sky. “Take care, Celestia. Thank you for looking out for me.”
“You will always be looked out for, and you will always find a friend here. Don’t forget that.” She paused. “Where will you go?”
“Somewhere I can rest.” He bowed to her once more and was gone.