"May I approach the bench?" said my lawyer.
I'd made arrangements with Just Cause several days ago for just such an occasion. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten that Equestria's nobility retained certain legal privileges to go with their titles - and the parents of the stallions who'd come after me were now coming after me with everything they had, for having dared to defend myself. It was still just a couple of hours since everything had happened - those 'nobles' in name only had pushed to try to get me snowballed in a kangaroo court. This was the first time I'd met Just in person, and I didn't actually know much about her, other than that she'd been recommended by Page Turner, and had managed to show up in time for this hearing. I'd told her what my priorities were, and was mostly trying to stay out of her way.
She and the judge - or was it a magistrate? I'd never even figured out British law, and that was a lot closer to what I was used to than Equestrian - confabbed a bit, before she came back to join me, and she nodded. I cleared my throat, and said what she had told me to say. "I plead guilty to the charge of littering," the one item which didn't actually involve my would-be rapists - well, only a few small pieces of them, anyway - and continued, "and for the other charges, as the plaintiffs are of the nobility, I request that these proceedings be moved to a higher court, more in line with their standing."
The judge banged her gavel. "For the crime of littering, I sentence you to one week imprisonment, fifty hours of community service, a fine of five hundred bits, and six months of probation. For the other charges, I am passing the buck to Night Court."
The parents burst into outraged exclamations, and the judge had to threaten to sic the bailiffs on them.
Night Court turned out to be the actual royal court run by Princess Luna - whatever she decided, there wasn't going to be any further appeal from. The staff had some rather suspicious similarities with a certain '80's sitcom, but I was rather more focused on dealing with Royal Justice than metafictional philosophizing. After a couple of other late-night miscreants were given their fates, my case was called, the prosecutor read the charges, and the public defender immediately started objecting. I tapped her on the shoulder. "Excuse me? Before you go any further - could you request a brief recess so we can talk with the Princess in her chambers?"
Before that could even be officially asked, Luna telekinetically banged her gavel, saying, "Court is in recess. Councillors, Defendant, please see me in the Royal Chambers."
Shortly thereafter, we were in a reasonably cozy room lined with thick law tomes. Seeing the moon through a window, I made sure to position myself square in the middle of the moonbeam shining through - I wanted the Princess to know I had no intention of lying to her.
"Your Majesty. You know that the work I am doing is important, for Equestria. What I want most is to get back to doing it. I'm willing to work out whatever legal compromise lets me do that, within certain limits - in particular, that those rapists-"
The prosecutor banged a hoof. "Objection! The plaintiffs haven't been charged with any crime, let alone convicted, let alone-"
"Mister Pasture," Luna said calmly, "We are not in court. Kindly allow Miss Missy to speak her piece."
He grumbled, but Luna waved a hoof at me, and I tried to pick up where I left off. "Your Majesty - the only reason I'm not getting tested for sexually-transmitted diseases right now is because, due to my job, I had access to certain resources not available to the average Equestrian. Given their behavior, I am virtually certain that this was not their first attempt - and if something isn't done to stop them, it's not going to be their last."
Luna said, "If all this is true - then why have they not been charged?"
I ground my teeth - I wasn't sure if that was a bad habit for my species or not. "Because, apparently, due to some legal technicality involving the privileges of nobility, because they are nobility and I am not - because they are ponies and I am not - it is infeasible for me to make any charges against them without going in front of the Barn of Lords, which not only do I lack standing to do, but isn't even in session until some unspecified future date."
Luna nodded in understanding. "And so - you seek Royal Justice."
I grimaced. "What I seek... is to find out whether Equestria has the rule of law in effect for all who live within it, regardless of whether anypony involved is of high station or low, rich or poor, pony or cow, lawmaker or citizen - or even if they happen to have talked with royalty previously or not."
Luna's forehead wrinkled. "I do not quite understand that last portion - I do not believe I have ever talked to the stallions in question."
"I was referring to myself. I have recently been convicted of a crime. It was part and parcel of all this other stuff, and would not have happened if I hadn't been attacked - but it's the only charge that I don't actually have a defense for. I am entirely willing to accept that conviction and the consequences thereof - if the legal system which imposed it is a fair and equitable one. If it is not - then perhaps I am working for the wrong government."
Luna raised an eyebrow. "So you are placing all of Equestria on trial?"
"Your Majesty - just a few hours ago, I escaped getting raped by the skin of my teeth. And the animals in the shape of ponies who did it assumed that they would face no consequences for their actions if they'd succeeded, because of their place in society. If your government isn't actually capable of protecting its weakest citizens from the ponies who are supposed to uphold its highest ideals, nevermind from any actual external threats... then, frankly, what good is it?"
Luna stared at me for a long moment, then said, "I see. Please return to your seat while I consider this matter."
I tried getting my emotions under control while the four stallions' wheelchairs were rolled, one by one, into Luna's chambers. I didn't come close to succeeding. Whatever happened in this court, I was probably going to have to find out if there were any real psychologists or trauma counselors in Canterlot - or, at least, any witch-doctors whose mumbo-jumbo worked better than a placebo.
Finally Luna re-entered, there was a shout of "Oyez, oyez!", and it looked like things were getting back into gear.
"I have examined the statements of all the parties involved, and am ready to render my decision.
"On the charges which Missy for Royal Justice for: I find her innocent on all counts."
"What?!" One of the fathers jumped to his hooves. Before he could dig himself any deeper, one of the bailiffs, a massive blue earth pony with a close-cropped mane leaned over him.
"Shhhhhhh," he said, his muscles rippling as he put one hoof to his lips. The interrupter, perhaps making the only wise decision in his life, fell silent.
Luna spoke up, "Continuing - I have determined that further action is required in this case. Will the plaintiffs please ri - er, be rolled forward?" The creatures who happened to be able to talk were pushed in front of Luna, in all their multiple-cast-wearing glory. "I have determined that each and every one of you is unfit to inherit your parents' titles - and so you are barred from receiving any such honor, and any special legal privileges you possess are hereby stripped." The heckler made a squeaking noise, and there was a disturbed shuffling among the other parents, but Luna's voice rolled on without pause, "In addition - I find your behavior so shocking and disgusting that I am going to intervene directly to prevent a recurrence before handing you over for charges. Each of you has exactly one choice to make: Either I finish the job of turning you into a gelding, or I cast a spell to turn you into a mare." There was an outburst from the parents' group, immediately and efficiently choked off by that bailiff.
Each one of the four ponies in front of her stumbled and stuttered, but Luna brooked no hesitation, and each made their choice; and her horn glowed four times, giving each of them their chosen fate.
As the fourth de-stallioned pony was rolled back from Luna, the interrupting parent broke free, and galloped in front of Luna, staring at her wild-eyed and with heaving flanks. "This is an outrage! That was my only son and heir, and, and... and you're going to do that to him and just pardon this cow?" He turned to glare at me, and the fury he directed at me... might have been even stronger than what I was feeling for his ex-son.
Luna stared down at him from her bench calmly - and, if I could read her expression, sadly. "We made no mention of a royal pardon. She has been convicted of another crime, but has not seen fit to appeal it to this Court." She turned to me. "Do you wish Us to re-consider that verdict?"
I probably could get it overturned, if I tried - after all, if self-defense was a reason to be found innocent of kicking someone, then it was at least a little absurd to be found guilty of littering the street with a few small body-parts knocked loose during such a kick. But looking at that stallion, who'd been stripped of something so important to him - if I got off completely scott-free, legally, then he looked to be the sort who might try to murder me in my sleep to avenge what he perceived to be a slight to his honor. And then there was what I had said to Luna in her chambers about fairness and the rule of law. "No, Your Highness."
Luna nodded. "Then, as it was settled by the civil courts, I have no cause to interfere with that judgement." She leaned in towards him, and said, "Baron, you have lost - please accept this gracefully, as I will be taking your reaction here into account as I begin an investigation into certain abuses of noble privilege that have been brought to my attention..." She spent several minutes talking him down before rapping her gavel, closing the case.
Turned out Equestrian prisons really did make you wear those silly striped uniforms.