Feghoot

by Dan_s Comments


3) Pirates!

Feghoot – Pirates!
Dan's Comments
DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

Celestia loved her little ponies, despite their relentless attempts to make her hate them, or at least hate or fear for her own sanity. The ennui of the court was a necessary forum that all her little ponies had, to make sure that Celestia could hear, and thus wisely rule on their many disputes. Originally, it had been for ponies who had been wronged by the nobility, or the judiciary. But with the bad actors in those branches swept out, they were now just a giant complaint box. A placebo that once Celestia heard their issues, everything would again be right with the world.

At other times, they made Celestia seriously wonder if Discord or Nightmare Moon had been completely wrong after all.

"He stole it, all of it!" the pony before her wailed as if someone had taken her children, before breaking down in sobs.

Celestia nodded and made sympathetic noises, but her confusion required a question. "I just wanted to understand Augeas, you were transporting cow manure?"

"Fertilizer," the pony corrected, then hastily added, "Fertilizer, Highness. Three thousand tons of the finest. The foul pirate snuck up behind us, rammed my barge, sank it, and made off with my entire load."

Celestia glanced at the guards, and bless them, they were maintaining their stereotypical stoicism, allowing her to maintain her serious mien. But, she thought, They are using their 'ear semaphore'. The guard had ages ago learned to cant their ears this way or that to communicate a few but potent messages. She read their ears and didn't answer aloud, Yes, you are hearing this correctly. Three thousand tons of – fertilizer.

"I can assure you, the guard will be informed and this will be taken with all due seriousness," she told the pony, nodded to the officer of the guard, who nodded grimly back.

"Thank you highness! Thank you!" Augeas left smiling broadly.

As soon as the doors closed, Celestia gasped, "Fertilizer!"

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Celestia tried not to sigh and rub her forehead. "What did he steal again?" she asked of the very nervous looking rustic sheriff. Ponies could panic easily when they were out of their element. The farmers in the sheriff's area had definitely lived up to that reputation, forcing the proud officer of the law to make this report. Against her better judgment, and her earnest desire.

"Highness," the poor mare said, obviously no happier reporting this situation than Celestia was on hearing it. "Tractor Jack has taken a thousand tons of hay, at last count."

"Hay," Celestia said, and watched the sheriff nod.

While piracy on the high seas remained a problem, the idea of piracy on Equestria's inland water ways and preying on the commerce thereon struck Celestia as something that would have attracted Discord's attention, had he been free at this time.

"The guard will be alerted and sent after this villain," Celestia said.

If for no better reason than to teach us how you steal hundreds of tons of hay, so quickly, and just disappear, Celestia thought.

"Thank you," Celestia said and dismissed the poor mare from this humiliating report.

Celestia looked at the captain of the guard. "Hay."

"Hay, Highness," he replied, clearly staving off his own headache.

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Celestia felt a migraine coming on, and was desperate to avoid venting her spleen on the most obvious target. "Auntie, I know you don't like me interfering in local law enforcement," Blueblood said, his normally whining/grasping tone missing.

She put aside her assumption that this was merely another kvetch and tried to take what he was saying at face value. "You are saying that the local guard was fired?"

"Downsized," Blueblood said, then shied back from Celestia's glare.

"Do you see any sensitive bureaucrats?" Celestia asked.

Blueblood shook his head.

"Then he was fired," Celestia said, "Wasn't he fired for his failure to catch this Tractor Jack?"

"Yes, Auntie," Blueblood said, "But that was because the local authorities denied his fifty-seven requests for a boat."

Celestia felt her migraine getting worse, while her anger with Blueblood faded away. "They wouldn't let him buy a boat, while he was chasing a river-borne pirate?"

"Buy, rent or loan," Blueblood said quietly.

"Blueblood, I will return your friend to service, immediately," she promised.

"I was asking for clemency, when he's caught," Blueblood said, "You see, when he was fired, he was so angry . . . he joined the pirates." Blueblood shied back.

Celestia merely sighed. I wonder if they have an opening for an alicorn princess.

"He will have clemency," Celestia said.

I hope someone will have a similar mercy on me, when these fools finally drive me crazy, Celestia said.

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Celestia was not used to the full ambassadorial press by the entire local group. The griffons, zebras and others were all assembled to speak with Celestia. "Your Highness, we must request Equestrian help," the griffon ambassador said, oddly, missing the hat that was practically his calling card.

"Of course," Celestia said. She paused. "Not to intrude, but your hat . . . "

The griffons burst into tears. "This Tractor Jack villain has been stealing every hat that crosses his path!" the griffon wailed.

Celestia couldn't help it, she began laughing.