//------------------------------//
// Epilogue: Like a Damn Fiddle 
// Story: Equestria Gear Solid: The Definitive Experience 
// by Posh 
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"TRAINING WILL HAVE TO BE POSTPONED IF WE ARE INVADED BY UFOS"






Transfarring turned out to be the second thing he did the next day. The first thing he did was get a restraining order against Twilight.

The brief time Snake spent at Crystal Prep was not in vain. Granin wasn't the only one with a connection to this "Chrysalis" character. Big Boss had apparently met her once in Afghanistan, during a business conference in the vicinity of OKB Zero – both were trying to stash an executive in the same porta-john. They bonded immediately over their shared passion for tactical espionage. In his own words, while he had gone back after going black, the temptation not to was very strong. Snake didn't get it.

At Snake's request, Big Boss got back in touch with her, to check up on Metal Gear's status. She assured him that Metal Gear remained safely unmolested all through the winter. With his father's help, Snake sent her a care package over Christmas, a collection of the works of Shakespeare, since she apparently liked Macbeth's nerd shit. Reportedly, she broke down in tears and relentless sobs of happiness.

Snake assured himself of a job well done.

Now it was springtime, and Snake was back to the usual routine. Shadow Moses High was the same as he'd left it, full of weirdos that he had to sneak by to avoid seeing, just how he liked it. Big Boss continued to be a raving nutcase at home, constantly jumping at shadows in fear of Patriot pranks. Uncle Ocelot came by the house once or twice, and Snake strenuously avoided eye contact with him at all times.

But one thing was different now. Snake had brought back a new friend from Crystal Prep.





"I'm in position," Snake whispered from underneath his cardboard box. "What's your status?"

Killjoy's voice replied on the phone.

"I'm just outside the lobby, Solid Dick. No sign of Neither-Erect-Nor-Flaccid Dick yet."

"Keep looking. Otacon, you got a view of the office?"

"I've remotely hacked into the building's surveillance cameras, Snake. I've got eyes everywhere inside Patriot."

"Hrrr... Can you see me?"

"Um... You're in the closet with the unconscious janitor, right? Under that cardboard box?"

Killjoy snickered over the call.

"Taking out the guards and moving the bodies is just as valid a tactic as sneaking by!" Snake snapped, grateful that Otacon couldn't see his chagrined blush.

"Sure it is, Baloney Pony," said Killjoy. "We could all learn from you."

Snake grumbled. He was a master of stealth, no matter what they said... even if the janitor was napping, rather than rendered unconscious by Snake's flawless close-quarters combat technique...

What Otacon doesn't know can't hurt him, Snake thought.

"Snake!" Otacon said suddenly. "On the cameras, it's... Liquid!"

"Liquid?!"

What was Liquid doing here? He was the wrong brother!

Otacon gasped. "And it looks like he has Mantis with him, too!"

"Ah, shit," Killjoy hissed. "Sorry, Snake. Flaccid and Flappysleeves must've slipped past me."

"It's not your fault, Killjoy. Liquid has had all the same stealth training as Snake. This is counter-espionage on a level we weren't prepared for."

"Damn it, Otacon, get a grip!" Snake shouted. "Where is he? Is he in the building already?!"

"He just came out of the elevator on the seventh floor! He's heading your way! If you hurry, you might catch him, Snake!"

Snake threw off his cardboard box and jumped over the janitor. Sneaking over to the door, he nudged it open and peeked around the corner.

One way down the hall lay the office where an unassuming employer of Patriot International was waiting to interview Solidus. The other way led to Liquid and Mantis, and a confrontation that Snake wasn't sure he was ready for. Raising his water pistol and assuming a CQC stance, Snake crouch-walked down the corridor. Every time he passed another office, computer room, or storage closet, he'd look inside and perform a quick room-scan in case he was seen, even though, since he was a master of tactical espionage, there was no way in Hell any of the unsuspecting employees would have noticed him.

"Hey, you hear about that security breach?" said someone in one of the rooms Snake passed. "Apparently, some kid's been spotted running around the building with a squirt gun."

Snake cursed Liquid's name as he edged along the wall. Of course that buffoon would get himself noticed...

He stopped at a corner when he heard approaching footsteps. Two pairs of boots. He was outnumbered. Was he ready for this?

Snake took a breath to steel himself, and jumped out from cover, raising his gun.

"Freeze!"

They stopped in their tracks inches away from Snake. Liquid's eyes widened, and he raised his hands in surrender. Mantis was merely startled, and flapped his ridiculously long sleeves at Snake, but otherwise he did nothing.

"Snake!" Liquid said venomously. "What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing," Snake grunted.

"Tch." Liquid lowered his hands and crossed his arms. "I'm here for Solidus. I read our dear brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrother's emails, and found that he had a job interview here today."

"Why didn't you go to dad? You know he'd be furious at Solidus working here."

"I know, but that wouldn't stop him from landing the job. Besides, you know there's no way Father could hate Solidus any more than he already does."

Touché, thought Snake.

"Me and Mantis had a better idea." Liquid thumbed his nose and grinned devilishly. "We're going to ruin his interview."

"Ruin his interview?" Snake lowered his squirt gun. "Otacon and I had the same thought."

Liquid looked slightly taken aback by that. He raised one eyebrow.

"We were going to throw dead weasels at him," he said softly.

Mantis hefted up a burlap sack that Snake hadn't noticed until now, opening it to reveal at least a dozen weasels with flies buzzing around them.

Snake reached behind him, and removed a carton of eggs from a concealed pouch.

"And we were going to pelt him with rotten eggs."

In that moment, Snake felt a true bond with his brother, and a warm stirring in his heart. For all that he and Liquid had despised one another over the years, and all that they had done to hurt each other, it was always their hatred for Solidus that brought them together. He was just such a tremendous tool.

"Uh... orders, Man Shaft?" said Killjoy.

Snake raised his phone to his lips. "Killjoy, come upstairs. Otacon, keep watching through the cameras. We're going to ruin Solidus's interview together. As a family."

"This is the gayest shit," Mantis hissed through his mask.





And ruin Solidus's interview they did. When he finally stepped out of the elevator and onto the seventh floor, he barely made it five steps down the hallway before Snake, Killjoy, Mantis, and Liquid hit him with a hail of rotten eggs and dead animals. He growled and shouted, and a piece of eggshell even got caught in his eye, causing him to scream and run around blindly in a way that was most amusing, until he tripped and fell on the carpet.

"Take that, Solidus!" Liquid crowed, taking an egg from Snake and throwing it at Solidus as he writhed on the floor. "Who's the perfect son now?!"

"You call yourself a Snake?!" Snake yelled, running up and kicking him in the ribs. "You don't even have tactical stealth training, loser!"

"I'll bet you don't even know who GC and MCR are!" Mantis cackled, slapping Solidus in the face with rapid flaps of his sleeves.

"I lash out to compensate for my insecurity and self-loathing!" Killjoy shouted, punctuating Snake's assault with a stomp to Solidus's groin.

They beat a hasty retreat soon after, taking the stairwell to avoid any more encounters with Patriot staff, and sneaking out through the front lobby by the tried and tested method of cardboard boxes. Killjoy joined Snake under his, while Liquid and Mantis shared another.

"Sure is snug in here," Killjoy whispered as they crept beneath the notice of an underpaid help desk worker. "How do you not get cramps?"

"I do. Constantly. They're worth it."

Finally, the group reconvened in the plaza outside. The Patriot Building towered over them, but the midday sun shined down on the bustling square. Otacon waited for them on a nearby bench, laptop in hand, a bunch of pigeons gathered around his feet. They fluttered off as Mantis, Killjoy, and the twin Snakes approached.

"I saw it all," said Otacon, standing. "I doubt Solidus will ever complete the interview in that state."

"A job well done," Snake grunted. "Couldn't have done it without you."

"That's flattering, Snake, but you had it well in hand. You and Liquid. With the two of you together, there's probably nothing you couldn't accomplish. You didn't need me for that."

"Geez, I was just being polite."

A distant booming sound coursed through the air. Snake inclined his head eastward. Across town, in the direction of the noise, dark clouds gathered.

"What was that?" Snake growled inquisitively.

"I don't know," said Otacon. "There was another one just like it when you were all in the building."

"Oh well, I'm sure it's noth—"

Suddenly, Snake froze. As did everyone. For a moment, the world went completely and utterly still. He felt as if he were solid stone, unable to move no matter how much he tried. He couldn't even feel his muscles struggling against whatever force was stopping him. It was as if all his nerves were completely dead, but he could still feel the same sensations he'd felt at the moment of freezing.

Struggling, he finally moved his eyes. They darted between Otacon and Killjoy, who were both also as still as statues. There was no noise in the city. Everything was dead.

What's going on?! Snake thought. It's like time has stopped!

Suddenly, a slender purple hand slid around Snake's waist. He mentally shrieked as it turned him around, and he found himself face to face with some dark, winged monstrosity. A giant, ethereal horn grew from its forehead, and it wore giant, ethereal, stupid-looking glasses on its annoying, stupid face.

Snake's eyes widened in terror as he recognized the twisted, infuriating, scantily-clad form of Twilight Sparkle.

"Guess what, Snake?" said Twilight, grinning at him. "I stopped time for everyone but you and me! You can move now."

Snake felt his limbs go slack, and he stumbled as he unexpectedly regained control of his movement. The first thing he did was draw a water pistol and try to squirt the demon in front of him. The water sizzled upon contact with her, and she chuckled darkly.

"I've discovered power, Snake! True power! Magic, and a whole world full of it, ripe for the taking! No restraining order can stop me now!"

Snake turned and ran. There was nothing else for it. He couldn't fight this creature. Nothing could.

She appeared in front of him in a flash of light, as though from thin air. Lunging forward, Twilight knocked Snake to the ground. Then she was upon him, pinning his arms with her bare hands. He tried to fight back, but she was impossibly strong now.

Twilight leaned in, her face almost pressing up against Snake's.

"And the best part?" she whispered. "With magic, I can finally fix the infertility problem."

Snake whimpered.

And that's how Sunny was conceived.