//------------------------------// // Chapter 30 // Story: Only One Speck of Dust // by TheMareWhoSaysNi //------------------------------// The heavy rain had erased all traces of blood on her coat. However, nothing could have suppressed the stabs in the heart she had felt at each steps forward. To have acquired her revenge had not helped her. He was dead. The pony she loved, the first stallion to whom she had given all she had inside. She had not even realized to have returned back to the Royal Tavern and Inn. When she had shove the door, her whole family had been there to receive her with opened hooves. And she had wanted to see none of them. She had wanted to see nopony. When she had been offered some comfort, she had yelled at them. “For once in your life, leave me alone!” As quickly as her tired wings had permitted her, she had fled to the top of the stairs labyrinth, and had cloistered herself in her room in order to shed all the tears of her heart. To tell the truth, her cries had more sounded like harrowing screams, and had not seemed to stop. She never had felt hurt so much. It had been as if she could have still seen the prints of his body against her mattress, this body that was about to become dust, and that she could never hold against her anymore. All this time, she had often told herself that her love affair would not last forever… Yet she had always thought until then that their separation would have been something natural, like for many other couples before them. First loves were not meant to last. She had regretted those thoughts so much. He was gone too soon, forever and ever, just because she had been too stubborn. Sacrificed, because of her and her totally pathetic sense of decisions. For a very long while, even after she had decided to leave her room in order to become the new Head of the Militia, Rainbow Dash had wondered how could she ever look at herself in a mirror again. The screams that tonight resounded all other the floor were not hers. They sounded like those of a victim of a flaming pyre, and did not seem about to run dry. Like then, they all relieved each other in Applejack’s room to try to comfort her, even Melrose which pain was more reticent, and none had achieved one’s ends. Of a modest nature, the earth mare never expressed herself in such a thundering way. For Double Diamond, she had cried, of course, but nothing that sounded like her current despair. Big Macintosh was her beloved older brother, the one she turned to all the time, even when life had separated them. Furthermore, they had not been able to reconcile from their quarrel before his death, and of this, Applejack was really feeling guilty. How long had he stayed lying with all these other corpses, hoping that, maybe, one of them would come and rescue him? All she could do was to imagine his pain. And each time was even more heartbreaking than the last. She had been so stubborn, so selfish. Now her brother was no longer here. It was impossible for her to perform the Sacrament Rituals, so she had let this to another Master of Rituals. If she had listened to her, she would have never released his motionless body. The absence of his warmth by her side made the reality more palpable. Big Macintosh was dead. She was not innocent in this, of that, she was sure. Caramel had tried everything. Nothing he had attempted had helped his marefriend to quiet down. Neither affection nor comforting words… It even seemed to him that the more he tried to soothe her; the more she tensed between his hooves and cried. His anxieties about her was so huge that he was even not able to let pain touch him. To be there with her was no use if he could not either swallow up the pain that this loss caused to his soul. He had always known Big Macintosh. It was natural to know him, here. His best friend, his fellow of all chores, who had confessed a little shortly after Applejack and him had started to date how happy he was that she had chosen him. Caramel knew somewhere along the line, the dyke was about to break and he would shed tears in his turn. For now, however, all that mattered for him was to make sure the body he was holding tight was simmering down. A discreet knock resounded against the door of the room, and when he turned his head, he noticed Rainbow Dash on the doorstep. Unlike the earth mare, she had cleaned the dried blood on her body and face, and had tied her long mane in an enormous braid itself made of three other braids, knot with white ribbons. A mourning hairstyle. “I don’t know what to do”, he whispered in despair, above the crying tears of his marefriend. Without a word, she walked toward the bed on which Caramel was and settled between them. As if she had felt a different presence, Applejack transferred from the hooves of her coltfriend to the laps of her best friend, her groans muffled by the bandage this latter wore around one of her hooves. “I haven’t seen you’ve been hurt…” “Me neither”, she answered in a low voice. It had only been once Applejack repatriate in her room, when she was about to have a bath to get rid of the blood on her coat, that Rainbow Dash had noticed the large gash on her right hind hooves. She had been so much carried away by the fever of fighting that she had not even realized she was injured. Everything looked so strange, as if her soul was detached from her corporal envelope and was looking at them from above, spectator without being actress. She could not realize tragedy had struck them again. Even these exclamations of discouragement seemed to be false. When everything would come back to reality, she knew it… It would be difficult for her to hold back what brooding under the surface. For now, all that mattered was Applejack. Her pain was natural, warranted, even, but she had to be able to calm down at least a little, not to risk to faint from exhaustion. Melrose probably did not want to lose another of her children tonight. When they were little fillies and something made them cry, Melrose always sang them a lullaby they both liked a lot, about a mare finding back her way home thanks to an orange-colored Aurora Borealis. It maybe was silly, but that was all Rainbow Dash had found to help her unburdening her best friend’s heart. Softly, she started to rock Applejack’s body crossed by spasms, and put a hoof on her disheveled mane. Not caring about whether or not her voice was in tune, she sang the lyrics in a low voice, so she would be the only one who could hear. Immediately, the mare tightened her embrace around her friend’s body. Quite unexpectedly, it was this childish singing which finally reduced her tears, and little by little her body ceased to be shaken by shivers, then ended up relaxing, won over by exhaustion and sorrow. With as much gentleness as possible, Rainbow Dash shifted, and with the help of Caramel, ensured that Applejack lied in the right sense of the bed. Once the latter tucked in, she asked him, eyes streaming with worry. “You’re going to stay with her, aren’t you?” “Of course. I won’t leave her at all, don’t worry.” “Thanks, Caramel. Even if you feel as if you can’t help her… She needs you.” He nodded, taking a glimpse at the mare’s face who, even asleep, was frowning, her mouth twisted by distress. “Do you think you’ll be able to be there tomorrow night for the watch? I know it might seem a little… heartless, to go back to work after such an event. But this city still needs us, and the Unavowed Army’s threat is still real.” “I’ll be there. If we give up, it’s as if they were winning, isn’t it?” This time, it was Rainbow Dash who nodded. With Big Macintosh’s death, they had just weakened them like never before, and this despite the apparent Militia’s victory during tonight’s fight. They had not just reduced them of an important member… It was a brother that have been taken away from them. Tomorrow, when things will appear under a different light, palpable and visible, she would think about a way to make them pay for this loss. She had warned Prince Blueblood by Twilight’s transitional, when he had tortured Double Diamond and sent him hurt as a warning – some crimes could not go unpunished. The Fallen Heir Apparent stayed warm in his castle, while the others were falling for them. If he was so determined to gain back his throne, why did he not give his guts to get to it? No. He let the others do all the dirty tasks. He was nothing but a coward and a traitor, and she would make him swallow his pride with the greatest of pleasures. It was not a promise; it was a threat. Rainbow Dash left his room, and saw that Caramel had positioned himself on top of the blankets, right beside Applejack, and his eyes staring at her face always suffering. When she closed the door of her own room, suddenly, loneliness came and gripped her throat. The place was empty and cold, despite the boiling coal-burner throbbing next to her bed. Surely she should go and rest, and she felt as if she would never be able close her eyes. For a moment, she thought about joining her parents in their bedrooms, and to snuggle against them like she was doing when she was only filly, and she was afraid after a nightmare. But it was a safe bet that she would not find there the comfort she wanted. Firefly and Uncloudy Shelter were crushed. This day supposed to be one of the most beautiful of their lives was now marked with the seal of disgrace, forever. She was a big mare now. She had to do this on her own, and to deal with her loneliness as the responsible adult she was supposed to be. If only for tonight… She could lay down her weapons, to stop fighting… Only for tonight, and not a minute more. It had not happened to her since years, since this very precise morning, a few times after Time Stellar’s death, where Spitfire had come into her room, and announced her the Greater Council had debated and gave their agreement… She had just been appointed as the new Head of the Miltia. Rainbow Dash remembered it like it was yesterday. She had not eaten since a week, had rejected everyone, and had shed more tears she thought her body was able to contain. When Spitfire had told her this, she had not want to hear about it. She could never replace Time Stellar, his wisdom, his always thoughtful decisions, his rigor and his sharp devotion of duty. Yet, one hour later, she had finally come out of her room, and with a new determination in her eyes which had made her eldest thought she had agreed to assume this new role. It had seemed to her then to be the best way to honor the memory of the stallion she had loved so much, and ever since she had almost not let down her guard. Tonight, yet, she was torn apart in a fight within herself. Deep inside, all she wanted was to let resurfacing all the emotions she buried in the depth of her heart. A knock on her window made her jump. In the half-twilight of her room, Rainbow Dash had to frown to guess the outlines of the figure floating in the sky. When she stepped closer, her heart was about to stop… She thought she saw Time Stellar. Quickly, however, the profile won back authenticity, and she realized it was in fact Soarin. She had demanded him to go and rest, willing him not to see his whole family suffering. His own parents were dead in mysterious circumstances, and she did not want to shake memories of grievances. For his own good, she had thought, in all honesty, that it was best for him to go back home. As she opened her window for him, she realized how stupid she had been. Surely he did not want to be alone as well in such a moment. It was unfair to send him back, as if this all was none of his concern. “I could not sleep”, he told her in a low voice. “I understand… I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep as well.” A short silence floated between them, during when none of them dared to look into the other eyes. The night had started really good to end in the most tragic way, and Soarin knew his marefriend. He knew how reluctant she was to show her weaknesses to the others, although he had been able to dig a few holes inside her armor. “Come inside”, she said moving aside to let him in. She closed her window back and, without a word, trotted to her bed on which she climbed, letting out a sigh of weariness. Her neck, her back, her hooves, even her wings though she had not used them, hurt her as if she had contested for one of the rodeos in which Applejack took part sometimes. When Soarin landed beside her, and wrapped a protective wing around her tiring body, something against which she struggled tried to beat her. A resistance she felt was crossing her from head to hooves stopped the sensation from going out, and Rainbow Dash did not know whether she was glad or sad about it. “How are you?” she asked him, rising her eyes. “It might be hard not to think about your family.” He shrugged. “Yes, I’m thinking about them, but… it was a very long time ago, you know. And, each day I’m trying my best to make my parents proud. That’s what stops me from being too sad.” “You’re stronger than me. All I can do is to keep everything locked up inside.” It was not something very new. As soon as she had been aware of her character different from some of the other fillies, she had made it a duty not to show that she too had flaws. To display her imperfections was not a bother, but demonstrating vulnerability, it was the worst of degradations in her conception of the world. So, she allowed herself to break down on really rare occasions. Extreme occasions, when holding back her emotions was harder than to keep them inside. Tonight, she was feeling as if this behavior did not make her look like a strong and tough mare, but like some cold pony, unable to feel anything. Once again, she sighed and put her chin against her two forelegs. “Why can we never get used to a relative’s death? With everything we see every day, with the death we’re the cause of… We should be tough enough not to feel anything anymore with time.” She had made this reflection almost for herself, and did not expect him to answer. “Because the day we’ll be used to it will be the day we’ll be dead as well.” His words had a strange resonance inside her. There was a lump in her throat, everything within herself banged and burned, begging for liberation. Soarin could feel it. She did not need to tell him anything. Although there were mysteries left to solve, he was starting to know her. Something stopped her from saying how she really felt. It was nothing good, he was convinced of it. She would suffer even more by not letting down her guard. Even the bravest fighters needed to be relieved of some weight along the road of existence. If she kept going like this, she would end up going wild, one day or another. This day would be the worse for the one across her way, and then, she would be even more mad at herself. There was no way such a thing could happen. “Nothing obliges to keep everything inside. You have the right to go with the flow. I promise you I won’t tell it to anyone, and your reputation won’t suffer by it. It will be our secret… another one.” Too hard. It was too hard. She had struggled long enough. Her cheeks crimson from shame, despite it all, she rolled on her flank, wrapped her hooves around Soarin’s body, buried her muzzle against the fur of his chest, and exhaled deeply. Immediately, it was as if a bomb had exploded within herself. Everything burst into a million pieces. Rainbow Dash started to tremble, shaken from everywhere with sobs and hiccups. She cried for Big Macintosh, for everything they had shared, for Applejack who would never be like her old self anymore, for Melrose who had just lost her son after she had lost the love of her life, for her parents who would never again celebrate their wedding anniversary, for Soarin who had lost his parents too soon, for Time Stellar who died too young because of her, for Pinkie Pie who thought she was the origin of the quarrel between Big Mac and his little sister, for Apple Bloom who was too young to go through such an ordeal, for all those who had lost someone dear… She cried for Equestria in the whole, for all the tragedies from the past, the present and the future… She cried like she had never cried before. The shame she had felt in the beginning vanished away. It was childish, as much as the habit she had not to tell the ones she loved that she loved them, just because she was too proud, too concerned about what other ponies said, about what could be whispered behind her back. Firefly had said something rather true tonight, during her speech – which had not been as horrible as foreseen. Life could last like an eternity, but could also seem to be a mere illusion, barely brushed and already lost. The ones you love should never be neglected, and should never be make believe they did not have the room they deserved in your existence. Her face flooding by the tears, she once again rose her eyes to Soarin. In the way his own eyes were glowing, she knew it, he had cried too. He had never hidden his fears to her, and he never hid his vulnerability as well. When he had arrived, Rainbow Dash had promised herself to teach him everything she knew, in order to reveal the warrior that she knew he was deep inside. In reality, maybe it was him who had more things to teach her. She made one of her hooves slip along his back, between his wings. She could feel a small swelling. There was another one, at the level of his chest, where her tears had damped his coat. There were the remainders of this fight which had almost killed him, the one thanks to which she had met him, but also which could have made him never be on her way. “The pegasus who made these scars to you… He wasn’t there tonight, was he?” “Surely Blueblood keeps him for later.” “Are you scared?” He nodded. There was no use in hiding it, she knew it, since always. She had noticed even before he had the courage to tell her. It even was what had let her think that, maybe, one day she could answer to the flowering of feelings he had developed for her, which were now in full bloom. His eyes opened wide like saucers when he felt Rainbow Dash transferring her forelegs to wrap them around his neck, and hold him tight against her. “I’ll protect you”, she whispered to him, then she strengthened her embrace a little, feeling tears coming up again. “Don’t leave me… I don’t want to be alone…” This confession left Soarin lost for words for a few seconds. Since the first moments he had spent by her side, he had hoped she would accept him close to her, that she would not refuse his stretched wing, and that she would be able to rely on him like mare and stallions were supposed to do… Little by little, he had seen the efforts she consented to provide towards him. At each steps she made in his way, he said to himself he had reached the limit, and that there was no way he would go beyond this line. He had relinquished to it, thinking it already was a good thing that she could give so much to him, since she only gave away her affection with parsimony. Each time this limit was pushed back, he could not believe what he had just heard. Soarin made sure she would look into his eyes. They both were lit up by the moon and the glimmer of the coal-burner, yet he felt as if he could see her face in broad daylight. Her eyes were reddish, her cheeks striped with tears, nevertheless, he swore he had never seen her so beautiful. What was under his eyes was the real Rainbow Dash, deprived of embellishments and subterfuges. She was strong and weak at the same time, like many of the beings in Equestria. “You must know… Surely, you must know… You’ve bewitched me, body and soul. And I love, love, love you. And I never want to be parted from you from this day on.”* She probably would hit him for acting so sappy. There were limits not to cross, and according to Soarin, it was crystal clear… He had just crossed the ultimate one. It was to ignore that this night was not an ordinary night. After this, when the reserves were going to ring the Great Bell, announcing the beginning of day, everything would go back to normal, and she was going to brag about being the best again, and to refuse to hold his wing in the streets, and other things of this kind. But tonight, she wanted to be true to herself, to give up on the usual boastings. Reluctantly, Rainbow Dash left the warm circle of Soarin’s wings, and trotted to her bedside table, on which she had put the present she had prepared for her parents, that she brought back on the bed where her coltfriend was following her with his eyes. The box was crushed and covered with blood, nonetheless she had taken it back. Inside, on their velvet case, the two jewels were untouched, as if nothing of what had happened around them were true. They remained in a sheltering bubble which knew no weariness and no idleness. Without a word, she caught between her teeth the first pendant, on which end there was a small padlock and put it around Soarin’s neck who was watching her, not sure he could understand. Then she caught the second necklace, the one with the key, that she put around her own neck. “But… What about your parents?” he finally muttered. “It was for their wedding anniversary. They will never see this day as such anymore. They will forever see it as the day when Big Mac has died, so…” She took a break, a few tears hanging at her lashes putting up resistance, then once again, she sighed. How many times had she sighed this way tonight? She felt so worn out. “You never told me what they meant.” “I forgot. Probably something like ‘your heart is mine’, which is stupid, because in fact, they’ve been married since twenty-five years. To the day.” Rainbow Dash once again felt this sensation of complete weariness taking over her, and knew that if she did not find a way to soothe it quickly, she would never gain back enough strength to fight, to plunge her whole soul back into a battle she knew was too important for the future of the nation. In order to resist, and to find the comfort in which she would draw a brand new strength, she lied back next to Soarin and snuggled her body against his, against his wrapping and reassuring warmth, their wings intertwining. He held her, softly. She suddenly seemed so small, close to him this way. The days to come were going to be difficult. A hard ordeal to deal with, but that they would have to overcome with all their might. Except, for now, all that mattered was to seize the moment. Rest before the bellicosities. Peace before the bolts of war, merciless, the kind to sweep away everything on your path. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Pinkie Pie curled up under her blankets. She had spent so much time looking through the window that she did no longer distinguish one shadow from another. In his last letter, he had told her he would arrive tonight, or maybe tomorrow, depending on his journey between here to Canterlot. If she had chosen to go home instead of staying with her mourning friends, it was because she hoped she would see him tonight. It had been too long since she had not been in his presence, and she missed the sand-colored stallion more than she wanted to admit. She wanted to fall asleep, deep inside, she wanted to… But each time she was about to close her eyes, she was overwhelmed with atrocious pictures. Applejack’s sobs kept on haunting her, despite all her efforts to put them in a corner of her mind. Pinkie Pie was the kind to always find positivity, even in the worst, like Caramel, more than Caramel, even. Tonight, she had to admit it, she could hardly see the little bit of sunshine that would feed her hope. When she heard the knocks on her door, she jumped. Her knives were on her bedside table, within her reach, and for a short while, she thought she could take them, just in case a soldier from the Unavowed Army would be behind that door, sent here to kill her in the silence of the night. “Pinkie… Pinkie, are you here? It’s me”, a voice she knew well whispered. Here he was. Cheese Sandwich, finally. Unless… Nonetheless on alert, she took a new glimpse through her window. In theory, there was no pony behind him. Just in case again, she slipped on her right hoof her leather armband garnished with sharp and pointed knives. The delighted smile he displayed when she opened the door fell back as soon as he saw her defeated face, and her mane a little deflated. Her eyes were still red… Obviously, something really bad had happened. His suspicions were confirmed when she pounced on his neck with an unequal despair, and he felt tears humidifying his grey woolen poncho. It was really rare to see his cheerful former sister-in-law crying… Yes, something bad had happened. Usually, when he was back from his travels, she was overexcited, and greeted him with a rain of streamers. Whatever it was, he would make sure to replace her tears by smiles. After all, they were both made in the same material, and deeply desired to make the ones they loved happy. And although he could not see each other very often, he loved her with all his soul.