Princess Celestia's optimistic mood lasted exactly as long as it took her to traverse the first hallway. And then it began.
It was just a chance encounter, something she might have shrugged off under normal circumstances: As she rounded the first corner, she spotted a mare and a stallion – one of the off-duty guards kissing a cleaning maid on a break from her shift. They were deeply entangled with each other, so absorbed in each other's company that it took them a long moment before they noticed the Princess watching them.
Of course they apologized obsequiously, then departed precipitously at the slightest hint that they were free to go.
But the damage had been done. Seeing them together had awoken something inside Celestia, something that had been asleep for a very long time ... and was now cranky about being ignored.
She tried not to pay any attention to it, of course. But now that the itch was tingling inside her, she began seeing reminders everywhere she looked.
When she came to one of Canterlot Castle's courtyards, she found a fountain she had long overlooked. It was a simple pillar standing up above a pool of water, spraying water from the top to trickle back down into the pool below. And though she had thought nothing of it for hundreds of years, she now found it unmistakeably phallic.
She quickly ducked out into the gardens, hoping to find something else to think about. Unfortunately, she'd forgotten about the Statue of the Two Lovers stood just outside. Stone though they were, their adoration and desire for each other shone through the masterful carving work clearly.
Putting a little extra haste in her step, Celestia turned away from that as well. She hurried over to the next section of gardens, hoping for a little peace ... only to be confronted by the sight of a couple bunnies going at it like, well, rabbits. The little creatures paid her no mind, continuing to hump madly at each other.
Celestia darted back through a different entrance to the castle, going at a nearly unseemly pace now, almost a hurry.
She couldn’t find any respite there, either, though. She'd come in through an entrance that led to the Royal Ballroom, and it was full of workers – many of them fine-looking stallions – who were setting up for Sapphire Shores' latest charity concert. But why did the concert have to be named 'The Climax; What You Need', and why did the banners they were hanging up have to be so suggestive?
Letting out an un-princess-like whimper, Celestia dashed through the ballroom and into the hopefully-empty corridor outside.
It wasn't empty. Just outside, a trio of Canterlot's best bakers were struggling to angle their huge confection into a doorway on the opposite side of the hall. It was artfully crafted into the shape of a bullet train, and just as Celestia came to terms with what she was seeing, the three of them finally managed to get the angle right and push the trolley and its suggestively-shaped cake into the tight doorway.
Of course it was just them working on preparations for the Equestrian Railroad Magnates meeting. Celestia herself had approved their proposal to consider adding a new line between Manehattan and the Crystal Empire. The sight of that long cake slipping into the narrow doorway, the sound of the bakers' relieved sighs as it finally fit inside ... they shouldn't have such an effect on her, but they did.
Celestia actually screamed as she shoved her way past the bakers and down the hall, nearly spilling their precious cake in her haste. If she could only get back to the throne room and talk to the other princesses, she could... Actually, she didn't know what that would accomplish, but she needed something, and she needed it bad! The thought of talking to the others was the only thing that gave her hope of relief.
Even as she outright ran through the castle, she couldn't avoid constant reminders of exactly what she didn't want to think about. How could it be that she was seeing such things everywhere today? Why did it have to be today? Why did it have to be happening to her?
Finally, though, she reached the doors to the throne room. Her guards seemed surprised to see her approaching – for all they knew, she was still inside. But they opened the doors all the same, and they did it quickly enough that she didn't even have to slow down.
All three of the other princesses waited for her there. And they'd even managed to get rid of the bat pony stallions in time ... but they hadn't managed to do anything about the smell. It hit her like an ocean wave: the heady musk, the unmistakable scent of sex. It made her head spin. “Oh come on!” she shouted into the room in general. This was far too much to handle, even for her!
Princess Twilight ran toward her. “Celestia! What's wrong?”
Celestia tried to cover her nose, but it didn't help quell the stirrings inside her much ... especially when she spotted certain splatters of unmentionable liquids on the floor. She squeezed her eyes and her nose shut, groaning as she tried to block everything out.
“Celestia? Are you okay?” Princess Twilight touched a hoof to Celestia's chest.
“All three of you, meet me ... in my private audience chamber,” Celestia choked out. “And... And please have those two ... shower before they come.” The moment she'd gotten her message out, she teleported once more, sending herself instantly back to her safe and familiar suite.
Finally, she could breathe again, and everything here was so familiar that none of it would make her think about ... things she'd rather not think about. Soon, she'd be able to talk to her fellow princesses and get some excellent advice on how to handle this.
The thought of that should have made her feel better ... but there was a fire burning inside her now, and the prospect of a helpful conversation wasn't putting it out.
* * *
When the three other Princesses finally arrived in Celestia's private audience chamber, she had already been waiting for far too long. She jittered in place, forcing herself to not jump up and accost them before they'd had a chance to seat themselves.
Instead, she vented her feelings through a little subtle sarcasm: “I trust you had pleasant showers?”
“I did, thank you!” Princess Cadance replied without the slightest hint of irony.
Princess Luna stretched luxuriantly as she sat down. “I availed myself of a mango-citrus scented bubble bath, actually. It was most invigorating.”
Well, at least they didn't reek of sex anymore. And perhaps they could help her with the predicament she'd been dealing with... She sighed deeply before admitting it: “Girls, I need your help.”
Princess Twilight leapt up from her seat at merely that small proclamation. “Really? I thought you'd made up your mind!”
But Princess Cadance smirked all too knowingly. “Do you now? Whatever with?”
Celestia glared at her. “Please, no more jocularity for now. This is serious.”
Thankfully, that seemed to be enough to garner her three earnest stares from the other princesses. At least they were beginning to take her seriously.
She took a deep breath. “I have taken some time to reflect upon my situation, and I have decided that I would like your help after all. Would the three of you please help me, ah...”
“Get laid,” Princess Cadance offered.
“... Lose my virginity.” Celestia shook her head. “It shames me to admit I need assistance, but it has been so long since I had any such aspirations. Where would I even start?”
“Shall I summon the Night Guard back?” Princess Luna asked with a disingenuous grin.
Princess Cadance gave a happy squeal. “Only if you bring enough for everypony!”
“Girls!” Princess Twilight said sharply. “This is no joking matter. We should be seriously trying to help Celestia!”
“Was somepony here joking?” Princess Luna asked, deadpan. Princess Cadance snickered.
Princess Twilight shook her head. “No! Her first time should be special, with somepony she has real feelings for. Not a bunch of horny bat ponies!”
“Don't knock it 'til you've tried it,” Princess Cadance said with a laugh.
Celestia cleared her throat. “I'm afraid that I have to agree with Twilight on this – I fear that a horde of bat pony guards might be somewhat more than I can handle to begin with. Though I do still desire your help, should you offer it in good faith.”
Princess Twilight nodded. “So, how about it, girls? Are we going to help Celestia get some action? I know I'm going to do anything I can to help.”
“I shall endeavor to my fullest!” Princess Luna proclaimed.
Princess Cadance threw her hooves up in the air. “Yes! We are so going to get Celestia laid!”
Celestia winced, but she knew she'd asked for this. And she was fairly sure she wanted it ... or at least that all this talk of it had stirred her to an unhealthy desire that had to be sated somehow. “So...” She glanced in turn at all three of the other princesses. “How is this going to work, then?”
“I could summon just a few of my guards,” Princess Luna offered. “Gentle ones, suitable for a beginner...”
Princess Cadance scoffed. “Are you kidding? Just let me take her to one good party, and I'll have her swimming in dicks by midnight!”
“How about we start slow?” Princess Twilight said. “Maybe with a bit of a makeover? It would do wonders for your confidence, I'm sure.”
“Oh come on! She needs more than that!” Princess Cadance rolled her eyes theatrically.
A knock came from the door to the private audience chamber, shushing everypony up immediately. It was followed by a muffled voice: “I'm terribly sorry to intrude, and I hope I'm not interrupting anything, but I was told I could find Princess Celestia here? I need to speak with her on an urgent matter.”
Glad to have some diversion from the unique stresses of dealing with the other princesses' attempts to help her, Celestia smiled. “Please come in, so long as it will be brief.”
The door opened, and one of the Canterlot nobles came in – a white stallion with a blue mane, wearing a dashing black sport coat. She knew him: Fancy Pants. Though she'd seen him many times before, something new clicked in her mind when she saw him now ... maybe because of the way she'd been thinking lately. But now, she saw him in an entirely new and very interesting light.
He bowed immediately when he came in; if he was shocked to see all four princesses here, he showed no sign of it. “Your Highness, if I may?”
“Please, go ahead.” Celestia said with a nod.
“I know all of your audience appointments for the day have been rescheduled, but there was one urgent matter that simply cannot wait: the plans for this year's Royal Masquerade Ball are nearly complete, but we still haven't the slightest idea which princess will be the official guest of honor. And I'm afraid the proposal needs to be submitted no later than tomorrow evening, or the ballroom space might not be possible to reserve, which would be a complete disaster.”
Celestia took a quick glance at her fellow princesses. None of the others seemed interested. “I would be glad to fulfill that roll myself. Are there any preparations I should make?”
“Oh, I couldn’t possibly trouble you with those details now,” Fancy Pants replied. “You are obviously engaged in what is no doubt an extremely important discussion with your fellow royals. I shall schedule another audience at a later time to discuss the details with you – as long as the proposal is submitted on schedule, we have plenty of time before the actual day of the Royal Masquerade Ball.”
Princess Twilight elbowed Celestia's side, and when Celestia glanced over at her, Princess Twilight tilted her head a little and wiggled her eyebrows meaningfully toward Fancy Pants.
Celestia understood, of course. And she was certainly amenable to the idea of getting to know Fancy on a more personal basis – he had always seemed one of the least repulsive of the Canterlot nobility. Steeling herself and struggling to control her blush, Celestia decided to make her move. “Actually, perhaps instead of the day court, you could come to my personal suite, say ... Friday evening, and we could discuss it over dinner?” She gulped, suddenly stricken with the apprehension that he would understand her real purpose ... and disapprove of it.
“I, um...” Fancy Pants blinked at her, obviously blindsided by the request. “Of course. It would be my pleasure.”
“And Friday evening at seven is an agreeable time?”
“Naturally.” Fancy Pants nodded. “Now, I shan't keep you a moment longer. This couldn't possibly be more important than what the four of you were discussing. Thank you for your time.” With another deep bow, Fancy Pants excused himself from the room.
As soon as the door closed behind him, Princess Luna chuckled to herself. “My my, Sister. That sounds suspiciously like a date.”
Celestia felt her cheeks burning furiously. “Perhaps... But it is far from certain that it will lead to what you are implying.”
“So you still need our help, huh?” Princess Cadance smirked. “Sapphire Shores' The Climax concert is on Saturday night. If you go there with me, I guarantee you'll get some dick!”
That felt like a bit too much for now ... and out of the three different ideas the three princesses had proposed to her, there was only one that seemed like it might be appealing. “Twilight,” she said, “I believe you said something about a makeover?”
Princess Twilight grinned broadly. “Totally! I know a few ponies in Ponyville who can make you irresistible!”
“Are you sure?” 'Irresistible' seemed a bit too ambitious for Celestia.
“Trust me. I've seen them make a donkey look good. With you, they'll be able to make supermodels jealous!”
Celestia shrugged. “Very well. Shall I meet you in Ponyville Friday morning?”
“That is some interesting timing, Sister.” Princess Luna raised an eyebrow. “One might almost think you were trying to impress a certain noblepony.”
Celestia blushed again. “Perhaps...”