It was getting on in the day by the time Applejack got to town. It had been a hard day’s work, and she was right in the mood for something tasty to eat. Normally she would have had something at home with the family, but she hadn’t seen the others much over the past few days, so she had come to town hoping to grab a bite with the girls and catch up. The orange earth pony took a big yawn as she made her way into Ponyville proper, and smiled to herself, wondering what sort of gossip or tales she would hear tonight.
Just as she was passing Rarities boutique, the door opened, and out walked a certain white unicorn.
“Well, talk about timing!” chuckled Applejack, waving a hoof at her friend. “Howdy there Rarity, how are ya?”
Rarity seemed to freeze for a split second before coming towards the farm pony. Her body language seemed a bit strange to Applejack, like she was nervous or shy about something.
“W-why hello there, dear. I wasn’t expecting you down tonight.” Said Rarity. “I thought you’d be busy up in the farm.”
“Oh we’ve been busy alright, Rarity, but we managed to get the work done. Thought I’d come down and catch up with y’all. Let’s say we go down and gather up the girls, eh?”
“Ah, we actually had the same idea!”
“Well, let’s go then!” said Applejack, before pausing. “Wait, what do you mean ‘We’”?
Rarity seemed to shuffle in place, and there was a low, muffled murmur from somewhere in her vicinity. Rarity smiled away pleasantly but seemed to whisper something out of the corner of her mouth, as if talking to herself. Applejack frowned and stared at her friend.
“Uh…didn’t quite make that out, Rares.”
“Hmm? Oh, uh, excuse me. I’m just feeling a little…stuffy today.” Said Rarity. “Shall we go? Let’s visit Twilight first.”
They went on, trading small talk as they trotted over to the castle. Applejack couldn’t quite shake the feeling that something was wrong, but she couldn’t really articulate it well enough. Rarity talked fine enough, but she walked with an uncharacteristic caution, even as she laughed and smiled as though nothing was the matter. There was something else too…
“Rarity, hate to be rude, but uh…you seem to have, uh…bumps. On yer side.”
Rarity stopped where she was and examined herself. There were indeed strange lumps coming out of her side and back, like there was something fairly large just under the skin. As both of them looked, the lumps actually seemed to move a little, and again there was a muffled voice.
“Applejack, I must tell you that it is very rude to criticize a lady’s figure like that.” Said Rarity. For a split second her body had its familiar air of haughtiness, before it slowly slumped back into a more timid shape. Before Applejack could explain what she meant, Rarity started to quickly move ahead, leaving a spluttering Applejack in her wake. Applejack simply apologized for now, making a mental note to ask her what was up when they weren’t in public.
But as she looked around, Applejack noticed even more strangeness. She saw Derpy sitting on a bench next to Dinky, eating a muffin. Which was perfectly fine, of course, but today Derpy seemed to have shoved two muffins into her eyes as well, or at least into where her eyes should normally have been.
“Uh, Rarity, do you see that?” asked Applejack, nudging her pal with her foreleg. Rarity looked round and paused.
“Hmm? Oh, Derpy! Yes, she certainly likes her muffins!”
“She don’t usually enjoy them THAT much.”
“Now now, let’s not judge her, she’s a very nice pony. Come along now, dear, it’s rude to stare.”
They continue on, Applejack growing increasingly uneasy as she went, keeping a watchful eye on everypony she passed as if they too were going to reveal some unexpected malady. For the most part, she didn’t notice anything else out of place, and as the castle started to loom larger, Applejack started to relax. Maybe she was just on edge after so many days of working without a real break. Nothing weird was going on. She was just jumping at shadows.
“Ah, I am in the mood for one of Pinkie’s confectionery creations.” Said Rarity, wistfully. “Although…hmm…” She seemed to suddenly think of something. “I wonder…”
“Everything ok, Rarity?”
“O-Oh, yes, splendid. I’m sure it…won’t be an issue.”
“Darn right it won’t.” said Applejack, licking her lips at the thought. “Oh hey, ain’t that Vinyl? Don’t see her out much, she’s always so shy. Like Fluttershy!”
There was a nervous laugh from Rarity, that somehow seemed to be in stereo. Applejack ignored this surely inconsequential detail and waved cheerfully at the musical unicorn, who was sitting on a nearby bench. She was smiling in an…odd way, a small, fixed smile on her face. She was wearing those large goggles of hers, obscuring most of her face, and she was tugging at it, as though it was causing her discomfort somehow. Vinyl waved back with one hood, before removing her goggles for a second and rubbing them clean. Applejack stared.
“What the-“
Vinyl’s alabaster face was completely blank. It wasn’t like Derpy before-there was simply nothing there. No nose, no eyes, and on closer inspection, her mouth was simply a crude black line. Applejack watched as the unicorn produced a small marker pen from somewhere and quickly drew two small eyes where her own should have been, before replacing her goggles. This seemed to fix whatever problems she was having before. Vinyl got up and walked off, pausing only to fix the smile of her mouth with her pen, making it very slightly bigger.
“Applejack, dear, tell me you aren’t staring again.” Said Rarity,tutting. Applejack whipped her head around and gave her an exasperated look.
“Aww come on now, you musta seen that. She didn’t even have a face! That’s weird, and you know it!”
“But I saw a face, she was smiling!”
“Hah! Yeah, cause she drew a smile on! Something weird’s going on, admit it!”
Rarity sighed and moaned in frustration.
“Oh, fine, I’ll say when we get to Twilights. But not out in public. It would be…indecent.”
“Wha? How?”
“Oh, you’ll see. We’re almost there. Come come, I imagine Rainbow Dash at least should be inside, assuming she’s told the others. Twilight will be beside herself, I just know it. Oh, actually, while I have you-you haven’t seen Sweetie running about, have you?”
“Can’t say I have. Or Applebloom, neither. Where’ve they gone off to now?”
“Oh they do this all the time. I’m sure they’re fine.”
===============================================================================================
Scootaloo was literally bored out of her skull. This was just as well, because a passing bird had found its way into the clubhouse, and had thereafter decided to use Scootaloo’s now vacated head as a safe location for her nest. She was currently arranging various small twigs into a circular shape inside the skull cavity, pausing only to either gather more twigs, admire its work, and more often than not, caw.
Scootaloo was of course completely oblivious to all of this, because as a brain in a jar, she had no senses at all other than the ability to think. The only thing stopping her from going completely mad was the presence of the other CMC members, who could somehow communicate with each other through reasons that were rather beyond them all. This was a blessing, obviously, but at the same time…
“And that was the best birthday ever!” finished Sweetie Belle.
“Nice story, Sweetie Belle! Ok, ok, ask me one!”
“Umm…what was YOUR best birthday ever?”
“Glad ya asked! Lessee, how old was I again?”
Scootaloo sighed, her brain bubbling slightly in its jar as a sign of her displeasure.
“Girls, it’s been hours now. I’m going stir-crazy here. Surely someone’s gotta find us soon!”
“Well, ain’t nothing we can do about it.” Said Applebloom, simply. “’Sides, I find it kinda relaxing. Like the deepest bath ever.”
“Yeah, or like being massages so hard your everything has fallen asleep. It’s nice…” agreed Sweetie Belle.
“Well I just wish my brain could fall asleep till we’re fixed.” Said Scootaloo. “Oh, I hope Rainbow doesn’t find us like this…”
“It’ll be Applejack that finds us, we’re near the farm” said Applebloom. “Ah just hope she ain’t mad that I stole the saw.”
“I don’t think that’s the issue here, Bloom.”
“Well it’s one of the issues, is all I’m saying. Now, what were we talking about? Oh yeah! So, I was coming home from school…”
Behind them, the bird roosted in Scootaloo’s head, and cawed contently.
========================================================================================
Rainbow looked up at the machine on her head-or what was left of it-and then looked back at Twilight.
“Yeah, I don’t think this is gonna work.”
“Well it’s the closest we’re going to get. I need to test this, so just stay still for a second, ok?”
Twilight walked over to the printout machine that was hooked up to her brain-scanning device. It was true that the helmet was designed to rest on the top of somepony’s head, and that Rainbow in this moment of time was not really the idea candidate. But as she had said, she didn’t really have an alternative ready for this sort of thing, so it would have to do. The machine started to whirl into life, and she hungrily scanned the results.
“Let’s see…huh? Nothing? That’s impossible!” she cried. The machine had given her a completely blank reading, a flat line running dead center indicating zero activity. She looked back at her very much alive and kicking friend, who was rubbing at the machine in an awkward manner.
“Stop touching it, you’re messing with the readings!”
“Twilight, that machine reads brains. Which I do no have. This shouldn’t be a shock. Even I know that, and I don’t have a brain!” said Rainbow, sitting up and taking the helmet off. “Look, I’m fine, I keep repeating myself over and over like a broken record. Quit bugging me and let me outta this lab already.”
“Rainbow, you don’t understand” began Twilight, walking back towards the brainless Pegasus. “This shouldn’t be possible. I’ve never heard of a spell that could lead to something like this. And you say she’s using this power to…run a shop?”
“Yeah! It’s pretty cool!”
“No, it isn’t!” said Twilight, with emphasis. “It’s dangerous and grossly unfair! And just gross in general, actually!”
“Ok, now you sound like a broken record. I get it, you don’t like the store. You don’t have to buy anything there!”
“No, I don’t, but I DO have to pay this Clearheart a visit. I-oh, was that the door? Spike, can you get that please?”
“Yeah, yeah.” Grumbled the baby dragon, from another room. He had chosen to stay out of Twilight and Rainbow’s way for this experiment-watching Rainbow walk around with half a head was a little too unsettling for him to stand, and Twilight had excused him to go read his comic books. In due time he led Applejack and Rarity to lab room.
“Heya Twilight!” Applejack. “Oh and hello to you to, Rainbow...Dash…”
“Oh, heya Applejack. And yeah, I know, don’t tell me about it.” Said Rainbow glumly, as the orange mare went slack jawed staring. “Twilight’s been on my case for hours now.”
“I imagine it must be rather tiresome having to explain this to everypony.”
“Tell me about it. Can’t wait for everypony to just get it out of their system already. Maybe if more ponies around town go make a trade-“
“Dash, don’t give her any ideas!” interjected Twilight. Rarity coughed nervously, drawing a look from everypony in the room, although Applejack looked more confused than anything else.
“Well…to be honest…remember when I said I’d go down and…chat with the shopkeeper? Well, she was actually rather pleasant, and one thing led to another, and…”
Twilight, with regal grace, facehoofed herself.
“Rarity, please don’t tell me…”
“But you look…well, normal!” said Rainbow Dash. “Did you really trade something?”
“Now hold up just a second.” Said Applejack, pointing an accusing hoof at Rarity. “You said you’d explain what the hey was going on, so can you please tell me what everypony’s talking about, or why Rainbow’s going around without the top of her head?”
“And her brain, Applejack” Added Twilight.
“She had one?”
“Hey, no fair!”
“a-HEM” coughed Rarity, dramatically. “If I may, well, demonstrate…Fluttershy, darling? Come out now, would you?”
There was a quiet voice of agreement from somewhere in the room. Rarity raised her hoofs to her head and, in one quick movement, pushed the skin down, revealing the head of a familiar yellow mare sticking out of the mouth.
“Um, hello…” said Fluttershy, looking rather sweaty and flustered. She shook her head and mane free and then continued. “It’s ok, she’s alright. I was a bit shocked too…”
“Woah, you’re…wearing Rarity!” explained Rainbow, finally perking up. “I bet she loves that, it’s kind of fitting, right? The dress maker is a dress!”
Rarity’s head was now bunched up at the neck like a turtleneck sweater, but she was still able to stare at Rainbow and mutter something inaudible.
“Oh, right, she can’t talk. Um, give me a moment to get out of this. I mean her. I mean…ooo, this is all so strange…”
Fluttershy started to free herself from Rarity via the mouth, slowly pulling her limbs out before wiggling through the increasingly stretched out mouth. When she was done she immediately picked her friend up and started folding her up like a sweater, for no other reason than she felt that it would be impolite to do otherwise. Twilight let her finish, took a deep calming breath, and then spoke in an even, quiet voice.
“This has gone on long enough. Everypony wait here while I go and deal with this.”
“Oh no no no” said Rarity, somehow, as Fluttershy held her in her hooves. “I may seem a little deflated, but you should see what I got in return for mere bones and meat. It’ll do wonders for my business! And if I need to perk up then I have my workarounds. Isn’t that right Fluttershy?”
“Um…maybe?” said the pegasus, looking anywhere but at her friends, not quite sure where she should stand on this.
“Rarity, I’m telling you what I told Rainbow. This is dangerous magic, and I can’t let it spread.” Said Twilight. “I bet Pinkie will have done something similar, you know what she’s like. Imagine if the whole town started trading stuff in!”
“Hate to say it Twi,” said Applejack, crossing one foreleg over the other, “but I seen a fair few weird sights on the way over. Think it’s already starting.”
“Oh no, really? Then I can’t waste any more time. I’ll get those parts back, I promise.”
With that, Twilight ran out of the room, full of vigour and determination. After a few seconds she poke a head back in.
“And somepony please go check on Pinkie!”
Twilight sped off again. The room fell into an uncomfortable silence, a silence which was eventually broken when Rainbow Dash turned to Applejack and Fluttershy.
“So…have you seen my jacket?”
===========================================================================================
Meanwhile, at Sugurcube Corner, Pinkie laughed manically, her head perched on a high shelf overlooking the kitchen as the rest of her limbs moved around with manic intensity. Raw cookie dough was being pressed into the enchanted pony-shaped moulds she had purchased from Clearheart. Today, she would create life. Delicious, extra chewy life. With chocolate chips.
“Yes, that’s it! Into the ovens!” she ordered, and her legs obeyed, pushing her creations inside. “Now prepare the new moulds! The funny ones with two legs! My cookie army must grow, grow, grow! Ahaha!”
She laughed again, then stopped when she felt herself nearly fall off the shelf she was on. “Ahem…hehehe…”
Inside the store, Mr Cake kept on smiling as he served his latest customer, saying that no, he couldn’t hear a thing back there, and that it must just be the wind or something. When the customer left, he turned to Mrs Cake.
“This is fine.” He said. “Everything’s fine.”
“Yes, dear, of course.” Agreed his wife, smiling back and raising her voice slightly as Pinkie started laughing again. “Perfectly normal.”
She sighed, looking back into the kitchen at the whirlwind of detached limbs juggling eggs, flour and cooking spoons. “ At least she’s being productive.”
===============================================================================================
Twilight marched through the door to Clearheart’s shop like a soldier on a raid. In a way, it’s what she felt like anyway. Inside, there was a maroon-coated unicorn looking lovingly at a jar containing what looked like somepony’s entire digestive system, before she turned to address the newcomer.
“Oh, one last customer before I close up, delightful! Greetings, my name is Clearheart. Oh…” The unicorn stopped suddenly. Her face kept its polite neutrality, but her eyes seemed to light up when she saw who she was addressing. Twilight took the opportunity to assert herself.
“Hello, Ms. Clearheart. My name is Twilght Sparkle, and-“
“Oh I know well who you are, Princess.” Interrupted the shopkeeper, bowing her head. “And I am honoured by your patronage. Truly honoured.”
This display of respect put Twilight off her stride a little bit. She scratched her head awkwardly before continuing.
“Um, thank you, that’s very nice. But I’m not here to shop. I’m here to ask you to return the parts you, ahem “purchased.” Said the alicorn, in such a way that you could almost hear the quotation marks. Clearheart tapped her hoof on the desk, looking up to the ceiling as if deliberating on this.
“Not here to trade? That is most unfortunate. I believe you would qualify for the most valuable of all my wares. Perhaps I can change your mind on that?”
“Sorry Clearheart, but that just isn’t going to happen. I have a responsibility to protect my friends, and all the ponies here. I can’t have ponies walking around with no legs!”
“I imagine they would not be doing much walking around in that scenario.”
“You know what I mean!”
Clearheart chuckled, and sighed theatrically before turning away from Twilight, caressing the jar of organs with a stray hoof.
“Well, I suppose I cannot argue with a Princess. I understand your responsibilities.” She said, with a resigned, melancholy tone. “I hope you don’t think ill of me. I didn’t want to hurt anypony.”
“I know you didn’t” said Twilight, softening her tone a little. “I’ll be happy for you to stay and trade for other items.”
“Ah, perhaps. Some of my wares are rather priceless, unfortunately, so it may cause issues. I can’t ask for mere bits for, say, the lost diary of Starswirl the Bearded, can I? It seems rather disrespectful to such an erstwhile-“
“Starswirl the Bearded’s Lost Diary?!?” cried Twilight, rushing over to the desk with wild eyes.
“Oh that was just an example” said Clearheart, dismissively. “I’ve had it for what feels like decades and not found a suitable price for it. Yet…”
Twilight felt hear heart rate skyrocket. There had long been rumours that Starswirl had kept a secret journal, filled with his most deeply guarded secrets and theories. Celestia herself seemed to believe that it was out there somewhere, but nopony had found it after centuries of looking. Twilight felt perspiration dampening the fur on her forehead. She looked at Clearheart, and pleadingly asked to a least see it. The unicorn nodded politely and disappeared into the back, before returning with a very, very old looking book, dusted and weather beaten but still intact.
Twilight gently opened it to the first page, and gasped. This was his writing, she would recognize it anywhere. She started to read aloud in wonder.
“Dear Diary…beans on toast for breakfast, most satisfactory...” she read, reverently. “The mare behind the counter smiled at me, must remember her name for next time.” She stopped, shaking her head. “This isn’t quite as epic as I was expecting…”
“Try the next page.” Suggested Clearheart. Twilight flipped over, and gasped yet again. The entire spread was filled with some of the most complex magical equations she had ever seen, splattered almost absent-mindedly across the two pages like a bored student doodling on his notes. Only this was what happened when the greatest magical thinker in history doodled: he slowly, casually figured out the universe.
“This is…unbelievable!” said Twilight, practically drooling. She felt like a kid who had just been given the keys to a sweet shop. Clearheart just nodded, before quickly taking the book out of the princesses grasp.
“And it’s mine, for now. Until I receive a suitable offer, of course.”
“This belongs in a museum! You’d make a fortune selling it!”
“Bits are of no interest to me.” Shrugged Clearheart. “You know what does. And for an item like this, I would need something very valuable indeed…” At this point she started looking Twilight hard in the eyes, smiling and nodding as if reading something agreeable in there. “And I think you can provide that.”
“But-hang on, I didn’t even want to buy anything! I came to stop this, not participate!”
“Well, that’s up to you. If you really don’t want this…”
“No!” said Twilight, feeling slightly ashamed of herself at being so clearly baited, and that she had so swiftly bitten. “I…well, I told my friends-“
“Your friends? They seemed quite pleased when I last saw them. Are you sure they want those parts back so badly?” asked the unicorn. Twilight reflected on this. It was true, Rainbow and Rarity seemed perfectly happy, and Pinkie…well, she probably would have found a way to do this anyway, somehow. She did have one worry…
“Clearheart, I need to ask one thing. Are you sure this is all safe? I’ve never seen magic like this.”
“Ah, a valid question. It’s very old magic, native to the little town where I was born. I’m not sure if there’s anypony else who knows it as well as I do in Equestria…”
Clearheart trailed off, looking soberly into space, before shaking herself out of her thoughts.
“But I promise you, no harm befalls any of my customer. Well, unless they bring it on themselves, but you wouldn’t blame a cobbler for a stallion getting kicked in the face. Now…do we want to do business?”
Twilight bit her lip. She felt like she was doing something very foolish, despite the shopkeepers reassurances. But the prize on offer was too great, and she could tell that the only way she could get her hooves on it was by agreeing to Clearhearts deal, and by association, letting her continue to trade body parts for rare items. She stood there for an agonizing few seconds, weighing up her choices. Then, slowly, she nodded.
“…I need this book. Name your price.”
Clearheart grinned a wide, toothy grin. She ducked behind the counter and produced a jar like the one the organs from before were housed in. Twilight looked at it.
“Ah, let me guess. You want my brain.”
Clearheart laughed, long and hard, before replying.
“On the contrary…”