Celestia nearly jumped up out of her golden horseshoes when a loud knock came from the door to her chambers. Nopony ever knocked on those doors. If they were invited, they would be let in and announced by her guards. If they were not invited, they would never make it past the guards.
The knock came again, more insistent this time.
“Who is it?” Celestia asked, staring at the door.
“It's me – Twilight.”
Celestia snorted. “Ugh. I should have known you three would never stop. May I at least interpret the courtesy of your knocking to mean that you shall refrain from invading my private quarters if I refuse you?”
“It's just me, actually. And I'm sorry we made fun of you... I hope you know we'd never really want to hurt you. It's just that you're always so unassailable and, well, perfect. We don't often get a chance to joke around ... and once we did, I guess it let a lot of pent-up frustrations come out at once. We... Well, we overdid it. I overdid it. There's no question about that. Can I please come in and talk to you about it?”
For a few long moments, Celestia let the question hang. But, eventually, her nature got the better of her. She couldn't hide from the other princesses forever, and she valued her relationship with Princess Twilight – with all of them. If Princess Twilight really was as contrite as she said, this was the time to forgive and forget. She nodded, even though Princess Twilight couldn't possibly have seen her through the door. “Very well. Come in, please.”
The doorknob rattled. “Um ... it's locked.”
“Oh, of course. I'll just—”
Before Celestia could walk over and unlock the door, Princess Twilight teleported through it, popping up right in front of her. Celestia took a step back, suddenly unsure about giving her former student permission to enter.
Princess Twilight took a step back as well, seeming to understand Celestia's need for a little space. “I really do want to apologize for the way I acted back there ... the way all of us acted. I know we try not to be formal with each other, but still. That was out of line, and we took things way too far.”
“There's nothing to apologize for,” Princess Celestia told her, finally smiling again, and even blushing slightly. “I simply overreacted to jests that I'm sure were made in good faith.”
Nodding slightly, Princess Twilight finally found the courage to look Princess Celestia in the eyes again. But she still had a slight air of apprehension about her. “But, well, um... And I would completely understand if you don't want to answer this, but... How did this happen? How could you have lived for four thousand years and never ... you know? Not even a little?”
Princess Celestia gave a slight sigh. “Are you, perhaps, in the mood for a story?”
Smiling, Princess Twilight nodded eagerly and sat down.
* * *
When I was a young mare – much younger than now – I was as eager to explore the fascinating new world of, ah ... intimate relationships as any young mare. Perhaps more so than most. And perhaps that was my undoing.
My first paramour, a young stallion by the name of Sterling Steel, was every bit as inexperienced as I was myself. However, to the misfortune of us both, he thought himself to be a highly knowledgeable and capable lover – he had read a great many romance novels of dubious quality.
Things had been going well as we kissed and gradually worked our way to the bedroom. He tended to use too much tongue, and use it sloppily, but at the time I didn't mind so much. But when we arrived in the bedroom he laid me out on my back and bade me to prepare for a special treat, lowering his head between my thighs.
If I ever do find out which book gave him the idea that mares love having their 'nub nibbled', I shall surely ban it!
That colt bit me – hard – in a very sensitive place.
He apologized profusely, of course, the moment I stopped screaming. But the damage had been done, and I was far too sore at the time to think of any further activities that day ... or that week, when it came to it.
Neither of us ever spoke of the incident again, both of us far too embarrassed to mention it, and we soon drifted apart, finding interest in other ponies instead. I do hope he was more gentle with the next mare.
My next stallion... Well, that one was entirely my fault.
He was an up-and-coming lieutenant in the Royal Guard, the youngest ever to be awarded the honor of being on my personal security detail ... and he was quite the looker, I might add. Unfortunately, my attraction to him was all too strong.
As he was trying to mount me, I became much too impatient. I pushed myself back toward him quite eagerly ... too eagerly. I ended up pushing him straight into a stone wall, and even then I didn't stop, sure that the great moment would come at any time.
By the time I realized something was wrong, the young stallion had passed out from lack of breath. It turned out I'd been crushing his diaphragm so roughly that he hadn't even been able to cry out.
I had to call for the royal medics – and though they were tactful enough not to ask how he'd been so injured, I was nonetheless mortifyingly embarrassed.
That poor young stallion never could see me again without immediately fleeing for his life. He had to quit the Royal Guard. Of course I set him up with a handsome pension and a fulfilling position in the security detail for our ambassadors to Saddle Arabia ... but I'm still remorseful to this day that my unchecked ardor cost him his career and his dignity.
After that, I spent several generations of normal pony lifetimes avoiding any romantic interests...
Until nearly a hundred years had passed. After time had softened the blow of my previous mistakes, a new stallion approached me. He was suave, debonair, the utmost height of Canterlot nobility ... and he completely swept me off my hooves. He always knew exactly what to say in any situation, and he was a delight to merely be around. I'd fallen for him before I even realized what was happening.
We dated for months before I finally convinced him to join me in the bedroom. Unfortunately for me, that was when the illusion fell apart.
The poor fellow did try his utmost, I must give him that. But no matter how convincingly he could fake a romantic interest, he was as gay as they come, and the one thing he couldn't fake was sexual arousal. No matter how I tried to entice him, I wasn't able to elicit any physical response whatsoever.
After we talked for some time, I finally convinced him to admit it: He had no interest whatsoever in mares – he had only been trying to woo me in order to climb the social ladder.
In a way, I'm grateful that he was gay. If he hadn't been, then the deception could have progressed much further, and it would only have been all the more painful when it was finally broken. I removed him from Canterlot high society in disgrace, but he did contact me once, years later, to thank me for it – he said he'd met the most wonderful stallion during his exile, inviting me to their wedding ... which I'm proud to say that I attended. I gave them my full blessing, glad to see that he had moved beyond that point in his life.
But I digress. The more important point is that after that incident, I never again allowed myself to become romantically involved, no matter how charming my suitors were. I could never tell if their interest was genuine, or if they merely wanted me for my position. So I walled myself off. Eventually, my desire faded as well, and I believed myself born to be celibate.
However ... I must admit, seeing others succeed where I failed – most notably Cadance and Shining Armor – has made me wonder if I made the right choice.
* * *
“Oh my goodness,” Princess Twilight said. “That sounds terrible.”
Celestia buried her face between her hooves. “Of course it's terrible! Twilight, I'm a mess. What should I do?”
Princess Twilight stared and blinked for a moment, no doubt flabbergasted by the thought of being asked for advice from her former mentor. Though it took her a considerable amount of time, she did eventually snap out of it, however. She sidled over next to Celestia and laid a hoof across the older princess's shoulders. “Well, if you ask me, I don't think you should let a little ribbing from the other princesses hurt you too deeply, and you shouldn't let it completely change your life, either. You shouldn't let us dictate what you do with your life – this sex stuff should be the last thing on your mind.”
Celestia looked over at her. “Do you really mean that?”
“Of course. You can make your own life choices, and the rest of us have no right to criticize you for that.”
Princess Celestia smiled and drew herself back up to her full height. “Thank you, Twilight. You have no idea how much this means to me.” After a moment, the thought of something else came to her. “I should go back to the throne room and speak with Cadance and my sister.”
“No!” Princess Twilight shouted before Princess Celestia could teleport away.
“What's the matter?” Princess Celestia asked.
“Um...” Princess Twilight glanced around, as if searching for the right way to say it. “They might be, um, indisposed back there for a while.”
“The bat pony guards?”
Princess Twilight responded only with a miniscule nod.
Princess Celestia shook her head. “My my, such degenerates. Well, perhaps I shall walk back, and take the scenic route.”
“Make it a long walk!” Princess Twilight said.
Princess Celestia laughed slightly. “I'll be sure to take it slow. Perhaps in the meantime, you could go down and inform them of my intentions?”
With a curt nod, Princess Twilight teleported away in a flash of purple magic.
For her own part, Princess Celestia made for the door to her chambers. Perhaps a leisurely and dignified stroll through the palace's grounds would be just the thing to clear her mind...