A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

by Ringtael

Chapter Twenty-Three: Put On The Red Light

As I ignored glares and stares while walking through Canterlot, I couldn’t help but wonder who the grey mare manning the cello had been. I wasn’t exactly obsessed or even terribly enamored, but I was curious as to just who could work an instrument like she could. With the musical number the mystery mare had played earlier dancing through my head, I made my way to the castle.

The walk itself was uneventful, though my reception at the castle was new. Instead of waylaying me at the gate, the Day Guards on duty allowed me to pass with no kerfuffle, and I was extremely grateful for that. I pondered the change in attitude and came up with two possible solutions: Celestia had let the guard know to keep an eye out for me, or the fame that Luna had mentioned was bearing fruit. Either way, I was happy to not have to deal with guards being pricks.

Getting into Day Court to see Celestia was also a breeze. I didn’t have to sign more than a couple papers before I was in front of the woman herself, though once I came in, she ordered the staff in the room to go elsewhere for a moment. That was a worrisome thing. Once we were alone, Celestia stepped down from her throne and approached me, taking her time. By the time she came to a stop, I had the flowers in one hand and the chocolate in the other.

“Hullo, hun-” I started casually.

“No.” Celestia interrupted. “Just no.”

I pursed my lips and wiggled the flowers. “These are awfully heavy. You wouldn’t mind-” They were immediately incinerated. “I suppose that solves that.” I dropped the burnt remnants..

“I told you explicitly to not go to Gryphonia.” Celestia said in a low voice.

“You did.”

“Yes, I did. And yet, you’ve gone to Gryphonia after I made it ever so clear that I did not want you in Gryphonia.”

“I sure did, Celestia.”

“...What is wrong with you!?” She asked, taking handfuls of her hair. “I try to keep you safe, to let you lead a boring, normal life, and you freaking jump at the opportunity to throw yourself into harm’s way! It’s like you have a death wish or something, and don’t even get me started on how reckless, foolhardy, and stupid you were to even go back to Gryphonia!”

I shrugged. “It was for the good of your people and for you. It was worth it.”

Celestia drew breath and prepared to do some more yelling, but the abrupt arrival of Luna gave her a moment’s pause. I waved at her and she conjured up a bucket of popcorn and a seat before sitting back to enjoy the show like she said she was going to. Fucking bitch.

“Max. Why must you defy me?” Celestia asked. “All I want is for you to be safe and happy-”

“Hold on. When we first began this, you said that you would allow me my freedom, did you not?” She took a second to think before nodding. “And that freedom means that I won’t always do as you ask. I was the only person left who could do the mission, and I saved lives because of it. Be happy about your subjects surviving to see another day, and stop focusing on what’s making you upset. It won’t get you anywhere and, quite frankly, it’s not going to phase me, so save your breath.”

Celestia’s sizable chest heaved for a few more moments before she huffed and turned away from me. “Did you think I didn’t know any of that? Let a mare be mad, will you?”

“Not when I feel like our relationship is in danger, though I’m guessing we’re okay since Luna’s here.” I glanced over to the blue sister and saw that she was still there. She waved with a piece of popcorn between her fingers.

“We are, I just needed to vent some frustrations.” Celestia turned back to me. “I thought you would have fought back with more yelling, though. Perhaps we might find some cathartic release in words we didn’t know needed to be said?”

“Yeah, I don’t think I have any of that in me, I’m kinda tired.” I shrugged. “Never thought I would hear anyone complain about not arguing, though.”

“Well, when one as certain expectations, they expect them to be filled.” Celestia said, turning her nose up at me. “Forgive a princess for having standards.”

“I’d rather feel up a princess, if you know what I mean. And speaking of doing certain things to royalty, can I fuck Elfriede?”

“...What.” Celestia stared at me.

Luna started giggling her head off.

“Yeah, Elfriede propositioned me after some heavily barbed flirting and I’d like to give her a go. It’s not everyday you get a chance to nail a queen.”

Celestia’s mouth opened a few times, but words didn’t come out. She tried again. “Max, you killed her husband.”

“Something we’re both well aware of. In fact, I think that’s like, half the reason she wants to do it.”

“...Elfriede knows you killed her husband?” It wasn’t really a question.

“Caught me red handed. Literally.”

“What the hay is wrong with both of you?” She asked.

“I’m too sexy and she’s fallen for my charms.” I blew a kiss to Celestia and she grimaced.

“I’m seriously worried about how you seem to treat sovereign rulers with a certain level of nonsense. Any other fool in your position would be dead.” Celestia’s fingers found her temples.

“I’m a one of a kind, baby. What else can I say?”

“You’re a rare nuisance that happens to be exotic and cute.” She smirked. “Maybe you’re just lucky?”

“I think you’re luckier than I am. You have me in your life, but I’m burdened with being as great as I am. It’s not fair!”

Celestia rolled her eyes and Luna barked out a laugh. “You’re also funny, I’ll give you that. Getting down to business, now.” Her posture turned serious. “What are we going to do about your punishment? Something has to be done for you ignoring a direct order.”

I rolled up my sleeve and showed her the letters that were engraved in my flesh. “Way ahead of you, hun.”

“...I forgot the Gryphons practiced such a brutal method of bequeathing titles.”

“And I didn’t know in the first place, so lucky me. I think this was punishment enough.”

“It’s hard to argue with that. I remember the process all too well.” She shuddered. “It was not pleasant.”

“You’ve been carved up too?” I asked.

“Both of us have.” Luna chimed in through a mouthful of popcorn. “it was a part of becoming nobility a few thousand years ago.” She made a contented sigh and I felt no small amount of respect for both of them.

“I’m glad you stopped that barbaric bullshit then. Seriously, why would you trace the same wound multiple times, if for no other purpose than to cause excessive pain?”

Celestia traded a look with Luna. “That’s the point.” They chorused.

“Sick fucks, the lot of you.” I huffed.

Celestia rolled her eyes again and strolled up to face me. “You say that, but you’re all too happy to get in the thick of the sickness.”

“I think it's just that bad things are always the things that feel best. Remember when you sucked Fluttershy’s cum off my di-”

Celestia smacked my arm as a blush quickly spread across her face. “Max!”

Luna sniggered in the background and I gave Celestia my best shit eating grin. “Spank me, mommy. I’ve been such a bad boy.”

Her face fell flat, her horn glowed, and I was suddenly two feet off of the ground. “There’s nopony in here besides you, Luna, and myself.” I felt her magic drag me along as she walked back to her throne.

“Hey now, no need to do anything hasty! I was kidding!” I said quickly.

“Nope. You asked me to spank you, so here it goes.” Celestia sat down and floated me onto her lap. “Are you ready to receive your punishment, you naughty little colt?”

“Wait! I have a question!” I shouted.

Celestia’s hand went to her chin. “I suppose you may ask it.”

“If we’re going to do weird, kinky shit in front of Luna, does that mean she’s open to a threesome?”

Her hand came down with a resounding slap and I got a case of the giggles. Her hand came down again, harder this time, and my giggle fit only intensified. The ludicrous nature of the situation was not lost on me, though I believe Luna was just enjoying the sight of me being hit. Celestia’s spanks got more intense as she went along until the point where I just looked back at her and gave her a goofy smile. My arse was aching something fierce, but I was too busy laughing my bloody head off to care.Celestia dispelled her magic and let me up, so I sat her in lap and the pain in my cheeks flared up upon contact. After riding out the last of my chuckles on Celestia’s lap, I laid my head on her shoulder and sighed.

“That was fucking retarded.” I said once I had caught my breath.

“Why were you laughing?” Celestia asked.

“Because it was fucking retarded. Next time, I’m spanking you.”

“At least I know how to enjoy a spanking.” Celestia muttered darkly. “Not even half mast.”

“Don’t feel bad, hun, spanking just isn’t my thing. I’m sure we’ll find some outlet for your dom tendencies, just not in me.”

Celestia gave me a sly smile. “You know, I have a few toys you might like to try. If you’re ever feeling adventurous, that is.”

“Sleep soundly knowing that the only time I ever want toys to be involved is when they’re being used on you.”

“Are you sure? I think you could have some fun if you learned to relax.” Celestia said with a bright smile. “Maybe you just need some time to come around to my way of thinking.”

That sounded ominous. “Yeah, don’t get your hopes up. I don’t want to be penetrated, like, at all.”

Celestia patted my thigh. “That’s what you think now. Give it a week.”

I gave Celestia an odd look, but the mischievous smile on her face didn’t go anywhere. As I was getting up, she held me in her lap and kissed my face over and over again. I just continued looking at her as she peppered my visage with pecks, confused as Hell. When she finally stopped, she still had a devious look about her, but I couldn’t possibly imagine what she was planning.

“Alright, you abused me, and now you’re showering me with affection. What’s going on?”

She levitated me into her arms and stood. “Nothing much, we’re just going to take the day off.” Celestia smiled brilliantly. “I’ve found the perfect way to punish you, and I just know you’re going to love it!”

I shrugged and chilled out in her arms. There was no point in dreading any extra bullshit, so I may as well go along with it. “Is Luna joining us?”

“No she is not. Luna,” She turned us to face her sister, “is going to keep things under control while we have our fun. Consider it payment for the show.”

Luna nodded and rose from her conjured seat, stretching. “T’is a fine compromise. Have at thee, you two.”

Celestia’s smile returned and she carried me through a secret tunnel that I probably shouldn’t write down. In any case, it was a comfortable ride and it passed all too quickly for my tastes. She was nice, warm and soft, so I was enjoying my time in her embrace, and despite the emasculating nature of being carried, I found that I didn’t give a single fuck. Celestia could do nearly anything she wanted with me, barring the obvious.

Once we were in her personal chambers, Celestia set me down on her bed and let the guards outside of her door know that she did not want to be bothered, save for an event that needed her attention, like the city burning down or the moon falling to Equus. After she was certain that we wouldn’t be interrupted, Celestia returned to her bed and approached me in a way that made me get my hopes up.

I leaned forward and watched Celestia draw closer, my heart picking up its pace. She finally came to me and set her hands on either side of me before she leaned forward and met my lips with her own. We took our time with our kiss because, well, we had the whole day to do whatever needed to be done.

Celestia pulled back before I could get my fill of her luscious lips and gave me the same devious look she’d had since we were in Day Court. “You know, I don’t even care about the rumors that are going to circulate because of this. I just can’t wait until we get to the main event” She said giddily.

“With all this build up, I’m wondering just what you have in mind.” I said with a frown.

“Oh, you’ll love it! It’ll be a new experience for both of us! Well, more for you than for me, but you’ll like it once you give it a chance.”

“...I’m not doing anal.”

“Stop being silly. I never said that we were going to.” Celestia leaned in for another kiss that I was happy enough to give her.

After starting innocently enough, we began to explore the familiar territory of each other’s bodies like we had done in the past, but this time, I felt a strange sense of elation from the prospect of trying something that was new to a three thousand year old princess. As I cupped my hand around one of Celestia’s bountiful breasts, she pulled away from me once more and gave me a naughty smile.

“Are you ready for your ‘punishment’?” Celestia asked with a husky voice.

“I’m as ready as I’ll ever be, hun. Lay it on me.”

Her smile only widened, and as her horn began to glow brightly, the anticipation worked its way into my chest and my heart beat a little faster. When Celestia’s horn became too bright, I had to close my eyes and look away, but as I did so, I noticed certain changes in the way I felt. My chest felt somehow heavier, and the raging erection I’d had felt as though it were disappearing from the tip. The T-shirt I was wearing had suddenly become uncomfortably tight, and my pants were far too loose. I sat still and opened my eyes to find Celestia staring at me with an appraising look.

“Wow.” She said elegantly.

“What? Is there something on my face?” I asked, my voice higher than it had been. I reached up to feel my jaw and noticed that my hands were actually a little cold, something that hadn't happened since I had grown my beard.

“No, there’s nothing on your face, dear. I’m just… Wow. I didn’t think you would look like this.” She spread her hands and I looked down.

I had me some boobs.

“...You turned me into a woman?”

“Surprise!” She exclaimed happily.

“Surprise is right.” I stood up and my trousers immediately fell off, leaving me in my boxers with a shirt that would be much better off. “Do you have a mirror in here?”

Celestia shook her head to clear it and joined me. “Right this way.”

I stepped out of my fallen trousers and took the time to run my hands over my new assets. The breasts that I now possessed were nice and perky, a little more than a handful I couldn’t accurately gauge my cup size since my hands were smaller than they had been, but I was happy to know that if I ever needed to change my identity, that I could do it in the shape of something with a nice rack. My hands wandered back to my rear and I didn’t notice much of a change, though from Celestia’s lustful gaze, I hoped that I had a bit of arse to back up what I had up front. Celestia brought me over to the mirror and stood aside as I gazed upon myself.

I let my eyes meander over my features, thinking that female me was actually kinda meh. I mean, I had a nice body, but my face could use some work. I stood and watched my face shift through different emotions, though I found that they were severely muted from what I expected them. I shrugged it off and looked to Celestia who had been eying my bottom with some fervor.

“Take a picture, hun, it’ll last longer.” I said sarcastically.

Celestia just smiled and continued looking at my arse. “If you could get your hands on a camera in the next five minutes, I would be ecstatic.”

I rolled my eyes and walked over to the door to the hall. After opening it (of course), I peered outside and caught the attention of one of the fellows standing watch.

“Oi! Mate, can you get me a camera? The Princess wants to play dress up and take some commemorative photos.” I asked politely.

The guy nearest to the door looked at his other squadmates and scratched at his helmet for some reason. “Uh… Yes?” He said awkwardly. “Yes. Yes I can. I’ll have it for you in a moment, ma’am!” He finished strong, at least.

I shut the door and walked back to Celestia who had taken up a spot on her bed. When I got within a few steps, she patted a space next to her and offered me a brilliant smile.

“So how are you liking it so far?” She asked.

“Well, I miss the bass in my voice and the thing between my legs, but so far, it's not terrible. I’ll be happy when I get my dick back, though.”

Her face fell slightly. “You’re not enjoying yourself?”

“I am, but I think we could have more fun if we picked up where we left off.” I gave her a dirty grin and started kissing her neck.

Celestia cooed and pushed me away. “We have all day to do that! Why don’t we have a different kind of fun first?” She asked innocently.

“Depends on what kind of fun.” I responded evenly.

“Well…” She began with a grin.

Minutes later, Celestia had a camera and I was in a frilly dress with my makeup done. She had allowed me to look in the mirror while she was working her magic, and I must say: I would fuck the shit out of me. Dick in ass, balls to the walls, masturbation/sex paradox solved. I may have twirled a little more than necessary, but Celestia’s smile made the immeasurable amounts of humiliation worth every second. That smile had me in a lot of ridiculous outfits and many pictures were taken, though I can’t say I cared too much. I was having fun spending the day doing something unexpected and that was all that mattered.

After a few hours of Celestia and I dressing up in most of her and Luna’s wardrobe, we settled on our birthday suits, though Celestia had broken into her stock of lingerie and brought out her favourite piece to reward me for my patience. She tried to coax me into a set that just ‘worked so well with my mane!’, but I shot her down multiple times, stating that while I was willing to play dress up with her, that did not mean that I was quite ready for livery. She sighed and floated the set of lacy bullshit back to its original location and we cuddled on the bed.

I had been aroused for most of the time we’d spent together, and the feeling hadn’t dissipated at all throughout Celestia’s little session. From the look she was giving me, she was ready for some attention herself. Without waiting for an invitation, I picked up where I had left off and straddled Celestia before I peppered her neck with light kisses.

She purred her approval and her hands wandered over my physique, stopping at my new breasts whenever she felt like it. I pulled away for a moment and pressed her hands against my chest, reveling in the electrifying feeling that her ministrations were giving me. Being a woman was an entirely different experience and I was soaking up every second of the pleasure, enjoying every moment as much as I could. Sadly, I couldn’t enjoy it all that much, but it was still nice.

After working my way up Celestia’s neck, across her cheek and back to her mouth, I cupped her breasts in my hands and gently rolled the tips of her pert breasts between my fingers. Her own hands mimicked mine, applying the same amount of pressure, so I toyed with her for a bit to see what I liked, though I may have forgotten to take care of her in those moments. With my mind back on track, I pulled Celestia’s hands away and sat back on her hips.

“Done already?” She asked coyly.

“Of course not. I just want to take it slow.”

“We’ve had hours of foreplay. If you don’t stop wagging that tongue, I’ll be happy to find another use for it.”

I rolled my eyes and got off of her, repositioning myself so that I was in front of her. “Your use for it is going to be the same as mine. The only difference is that I can use it better.”

Celestia grinned and spread her legs for me. “Prove it, tough girl.”

I planned on it. I began with my usual teasing, but this time, since Celestia had both challenged and tortured me, I was going to make her suffer. I flicked my lips around the folds of her moist sex, savoring her vanilla flavor. It took some amount of self control not to give her my best, then and there, just so I could keep tasting her, but I was on a mission.

I had Celestia moaning in minutes, though I was careful to watch for any twitches or sudden movement on her part, pulling away when her movements got frantic. I leisurely rolled my tongue across her clitoris and played with her entrance using my fingertip as she begged me to let her get off. With our eyes locked, I gave Celestia one long, slow lick and she moaned in agonizing bliss, though I still didn’t give her the final push. No, I waited until I could form my telekinesis into a smallish cylinder with a curve to it and aimed lower for my next lick. Celestia’s half lidded eyes shot open and just as she was opening her mouth to express some of her surprise, I gingerly pressed my intangible member into her arse while trying to continue performing with my tongue. I managed it, but just barely. The writhing form of Celestia filled me with pride, her orgasm bringing itself to its pinnacle.

I continued lapping up Celestia’s juices throughout her climax, which only brought a few smaller ones to head. By now I was ready for my turn, though I had been busy while I had been working on Celestia. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the skill required to get myself off, so I was stuck with just gently rubbing my own pussy.

God, that sounds weird.

Celestia laid back on the bed, so I crawled next to her and entertained myself for a little bit while she regained her breath until I realized that I could be doing something far more interesting. Without further ado, I swung a leg over Celestia’s head and bared my dripping sex to her as I began anew with hers. I had never sixty nined with someone, so I was mostly just doing some guess work, but from the ferocity of Celestia’s assault on me, my guess was that I wasn’t exactly doing a poor job.

It was only a few minuted before an odd feeling began to wash over me, beginning from somewhere around my naval, spreading to the tips of my fingers and toes. It was like being satisfied on a full body scale, so I assumed that I’d just had my first orgasm as a woman under Celestia’s care. Using her magic, Celestia lifted me off of her and positioned herself between my legs.

“You know, it’s only fair if I do it for you too.” Celestia said with a cheeky smile.

“Then go for it. There is nothing on this planet that would make me stop you right now.” I said in a tight voice. The small amount of pleasure I’d felt earlier had only whetted my appetite, and I was ready to get the full experience that I had been promised.

Celestia’s smile grew marginally before it disappeared between my thighs. I shuddered at the feeling of her breath against my sensitive flesh, and when her tongue made contact with my lips, another small orgasm overtook me. Celestia wasted no time after that and dipped a finger into me, which was an odd experience. Not unpleasant, just… odd. I didn’t enjoy being penetrated as much as being licked, and thankfully, Celestia picked up on that rather quickly, though I imagine that it added an extra layer of challenge to the act. She began again, using her tongue to tease my entrance while her fingers played at my clit, which was a lot like having a tiny penis that felt much better.

Quickly, I came to the single best climax of my life. Every muscle felt as though pure electricity was pouring through them and the elation that I felt was beautiful, though something even better was that the experience lasted for longer than five seconds. I writhed and wriggled around as I rode through the storm of pleasure that had overtaken me, and I may or may not have kicked Celestia while in the midst of my orgasm. Once I had calmed down enough, I lay twitching on Celestia’s bed and she crawled up next to me.

“How was it?” She whispered softly into my ear.

“Fucking lovely! Simply brilliant!” I sighed contentedly.

“I’m glad to hear that!” Celestia said cheerfully.

“Yeah, if you want to give this another go sometime, I’d be happy to indulge you.” I offered.

“Well, it’s supposed to be a punishment.”

“The dress up bit was pretty grueling if you ask me.”

“I’m not. While I’m glad you enjoyed yourself, I’m sorry to say that we’ve used up all of our time, so I’m going to need to send you home soon.”

I sighed. “Shame, we were having such fun. So do I need to do a dance or something to turn back into a guy or are you just going to magic it?”

“Who ever said I was turning you back?” Celestia said with a sly grin. “I said this was a punishment, didn’t I?” The week thing from earlier? You've gotta be shitting me!

“Wait, hun, no-”

“Ah ah ah! No arguing. You disobeyed me, and there must be consequences.”

“I was under orders from your sister!”

“It’s a shame you found her orders to be more pertinent than mine.”

“I was the only guy who could do the mission! Celestia, this isn’t fair!”

She stuck her tongue out at me. “Life seldom is, dear. I know you’ll make the most of your time, so enjoy yourself!”

“I won't, if anything then just to spite you.”

Celestia rolled her eyes, and with a snap of her fingers, I was in the middle of my living room, stark naked.

I thoroughly swore at Celestia in a choicely worded letter that, though long, could never hope to express the moderate irritation I was feeling. I was none too happy about being left as a female and I knew that I was going to have to get either Twilight or Luna to turn me back, neither of which sounded terribly likely. It was too late in the night for me to go to Twilight, and Luna probably wouldn’t help me out of some sick pleasure. I didn’t have many options, and due to my lack of interest in being female for longer than a day, just riding out my sentence wasn’t much of a choice anyways. I pondered my current condition, but couldn’t really come up with any manner of solution that would be viable before dawn, so I sighed and hopped in the shower shortly before going to bed, thinking of ways to get revenge on Celestia.

Morning was rough. My lengthened hair was everywhere, my legs were still a bit wobbly and I woke up to the fact that yesterday hadn’t just been some incredibly vivid acid trip, evidenced by my prior complaints. I was in a rather decent mood all things considered, so I tried to keep it that way by looking at the bright side of being female. I couldn’t think of many perks that didn’t involve spending my day with wet hands, so I focused on thinking up something suitable for my torturer and found that while I had ideas in spades, most of them were evil, and not in the fun way. I brushed them off into my mind’s recycling bin for use at a later date against someone I actually felt some aggression toward.

After using more shampoo than I probably should have in the shower, I had a good look at myself in the mirror and started brushing my hair. It took a good while for it to not look like absolute shit and even longer to get it into some manner of tameness, but I had thought of some fun things to do throughout the day during the annoyance, so I could proudly say that I was getting better at multitasking already. None of my usual T-shirts fit me very well, so I sent Celestia a note, bitching about my current options. Within ten minutes, she sent me a week’s worth of outfits that were not at all what I’d had in mind. After having Celestia take them back in favour of not looking like some garish, frilly monstrosity, I considered which of my friends was more likely to help me than to annoy me. I could ask Fluttershy for some assistance, but I needed clothes, and she was closer to Celestia’s build than my own. I’d turned Applejack down when she asked me to help her on the farm, so it felt wrong to ask her. Rarity would want to dress me up like her, so fuck that shit, and Pinkie would annoy the shit out of me so she was out. Rainbow was just too small, so that left me with one real choice: The wizard.

I wrote Twilight a note asking to borrow some clothes from her, and forty two minutes later, she showed up down the road. With a grin, I stepped into my guest room and put on a robe. I was sure let it hang open in manner that I hoped was seductive, and after a brief check in the mirror, I mussed up my hair a bit before I grabbed a snack from the kitchen.

I was munching on an apple when I heard Twilight knock on the door, so I set it down while I got my game face on and prepared to pull out some stops. I strode over to the door and opened it slowly, poking my head out.

“Hello?” I asked innocently.

Twilight’s eyes widened and she stepped back, nearly falling over her suitcase. “Oh!”

I whisked the door open and grabbed her arm to steady her. “Careful there, sweetie!”

Twilight shook her head. “Sorry! I-I was just surprised. I was expecting to see my coltfriend, Max.”

I raised my brow and looked her in the eye. “Coltfriend, huh?”

Twilight’s eyes flickered over my attire. “...Yes?”

I gave her a bright smile. “I knew it!” I forced inflection into my voice. “We didn’t get much of a chance to talk, so I was wondering who he was bringing over.”

Twilight gave me an odd look. “Wait, does that mean he’s not here?”

I bit my lip and looked around. “Well, yeah. I thought he was going out to get you.”

She smiled and shook her head. “You never know with him sometimes. Why don’t we go inside and talk?” She said with a glance to the opening in my robe.

I glanced down and pretended to be surprised. “Oh dear!” I drew the folds together. “Sorry about that, I wasn’t paying attention!”

Twilight patted my shoulder and told me that it happened to her pretty often as well. With the plan completely off the track, I was a little worried about where to go with this. I’d originally wanted to make Twilight jealous by insinuating that I’d had sex with me, but I missed the opportunity to really drive it home, so I would have to slip it in somewhere.

Twilight lead the way inside and started rifling through my shit like she was my girlfriend or something, so I sat down in the living room and tried to make my posture more feminine. After Twilight got the tea set up, she joined me in the living room and started asking questions.

“So how do you know Max?” Twilight asked once she’d settled on my easy chair. I hadn’t sat there myself so that I wouldn’t be associated with my favourite spot.

“Well, I kinda just came running out of the the woods nearby and he helped me out. I still don’t even really know how I got here, to be honest with you.” I said with a wistful chuckle.

Twilight looked surprised. “You came out of the forest? Do you mean the Everfree Forest, or the Whitetail Woods?”

“A bit of both, really. I woke up in the Everfree and ran into the Whitetail Woods. At least, that’s what Max told me when I explained everything. I was wondering how I went from jungle to forest, but when you’re being chased by something straight out of a myth, it’s hard to focus on that.” I smiled knowingly at Twilight.

Twilight’s eyes were wide. “Wait, does that mean you’re a human too?”

I looked down and spread my toes. “It sure looks that way. Max and the tall white woman told me this place is full of Ponies like you and her. That’s correct?”

Twilight blinked a few times before beaming. “You mean Princess Celestia? And yes, that’s true.”

I snapped. “Yeah, that was her name! So, are there any other sentient creatures out here?”

“Well, yes, but I don’t know much about them.” Twilight said sadly.

“That’s too bad.” I sighed.

“I’m sorry I can’t help you there, but I might be able to answer any other questions you might have!”

I thought about that for a moment. “There’s nothing I really want to know, I don’t think. I am curious as to how you met Max, though. He seems like a bit of a prick to be honest with you, and you just seem so nice!”

Twilight’s face fell slightly. “Max is a nice guy, he just hides it when he thinks he’s going to get hurt for being nice.”

I lifted my brows. “Which is all the time?”

“You haven’t known him that long, if I’m not mistaken. He’s changed recently, but before that, he could be one of the most thoughtful stallions. He snuck into my house through the balcony on the second floor to give me some flowers once!” Twilight said in my defense. It was rather heart warming.

I grinned at the memory. “Maybe my first impression was wrong, then. You still haven’t told me how you two met.”

Twilight blushed. “Sorry, I just get sidetracked sometimes!” She tapped her chin. “Max and I met right outside my house. He was being chased down by our friend, Rainbow Dash, and they wound up on my doorstep.” And I wound up with a look up her skirt.

I forced a chuckle. “Are you telling me that you thought he would make a good beaux after he fought one of your friends?”

Twilight frowned. “It was his actions afterwards that made me think better of him. Rainbow was in the wrong and he forgave her without any fuss.”

I narrowed my eyes at her. “So what? If he hits you and apologizes, then it’s fine because he said he was sorry?”

She set her jaw forward. “It does if he means it!”

I gave Twilight a brilliant smile. “You’re such a lovely person, you know that? If all the ponies are like you, then I think I’ll get along quite nicely while I’m here.”

Twilight blinked her surprise. “I- uh… Thank you?”

“You’re welcome, sweetie, but there’s something else I want to ask about.”

“Ask away…” Twilight said nervously.

“What’s your name? I’d be fine with calling you sweetie until the Sun dies, but I’d prefer to know who you are.”

Twilight blushed and sputtered. “M-My name’s Twilight Sparkle! I can’t believe I forgot to tell you, I’m so sorry!”

“Don’t worry about it too much, Twilight,” I said with a reassuring smile, “ I still haven’t told you my name. It’s Roxy, by the way.” Roxanna seems like a nice name.

“Well, it’s very nice to meet you, Roxy.”

After our little introduction, we fell silent for a moment, but I wanted to get clothed. “So what’s in the suitcase? I can’t imagine that you carry it around for fun.”

Twilight’s eyes shot open ass the tea kettle blew its whistle. “I’m sorry! Max must have had me bring these clothes for you!” She slapped the heel of her hand to her forehead.

“It’s fine, sweetie.” I said with a smile. “Can I help you with the tea?”

Twilight didn’t need my help at all, but it sounded like something a woman might offer to do, thus I offered. Pouring tea is not a hard process, and since Twilight was supposed to know my house better than I did at the moment, there was precious little that I could do besides keep the conversation going. While Twilight’s back was turned, I pulled out a note that I had written earlier and dropped it on the floor with a gasp.

“Oh my! How the Hell is this letter not on fire!?” I shouted unnecessarily.

Twilight whipped around to look as I backed away. “Did it come in a gout of flame?”

“Yes!”

“Then it’s Dragon Fire mail. It’s probably for you since it appeared in front of you.”

When I made no motions to approach the letter, Twilight picked it up and tried to hand it to me. After a spot of decent acting, I took it from her and read it aloud.

“Dear Roxanne. I’m sorry that we did not get to speak more while Celestia and I were there, but I have very important matters to attend to that I will keep me away for a week. I know that the shock of being transported to a different world must be falling away to reveal the harsh truth by now, but don’t let it get to you. I never tried to go home, so I don’t know if we can, so let that inspire you. There may be a chance. There is a stash of bits in my shed that you can use to fund yourself while you’re here, and please feel free to use as many as you please. I’ve got the dosh to back it up, so go wild. By the time I’ve gotten a chance to send this, you should be in the company of a certain Twilight Sparkle, one of my girlfriends. Yes, I have multiple, ask Twilight to clarify. If there is anything you need, and you don’t know how to get it, ask Twilight and she should be able to help you.”

I took a moment to sip some piping hot tea.

“Twilight will most likely introduce you to our friends sometime today or tomorrow, so please be receptive. The Ponies in Ponyville aren’t bad people, but they can be a little skittish, and may not understand a lot of what you say. Don’t take anything they do too personally. I don’t know what you’ll spend the next week doing, but please try and think of this place as your home while you’re here. I may have given up on getting back to Earth, but that doesn’t mean you should.”

I blinked a tear from my eye after the last bit. It had taken some doing, but it had the desired effect on Twilight.

“Don’t cry, Roxy!” She said comfortingly. “I-I’m sure we’ll find a way for you to get back home, and Ponyville is a great place to spend your time while you’re away! I’m sure you’ll have fun while you’re here!”

I wiped the tear away. “It’s fine, Twilight. I’ll be fine. Just a little caught up, you know?” I said shakily.

Twilight patted my arm and we took our little party back into the living room. Once we were settled down with our snacks and drinks, Twilight unzipped her suitcase and started pulling out various different items.

“Now, I don’t know if my style is going to fit yours, but I think we can find something for you to wear while we shop around for something new!” Twilight said brightly.

I looked on as she pulled more and more out of her suitcase, but nothing caught my eye. I ooed and ahhed anyways because I felt like it was the appropriate response. It was a little infuriating that Twilight was a couple centimeters taller than me, but I got over it after I found that pulling the wool over Twilight’s eyes in such an elaborate manner was more fun than I had anticipated. I’d originally planned on giving the jig up after we went shopping, but now I was a little excited about seeing where my ruse would take me, and it seemed like it was going well enough so far.

Thankfully, Twilight and I were nearly identical when it came to our body types, so I had my pick of whatever I wanted to wear. Sadly, Twilight had neglected to bring something to keep my jiggly bits from doing their thing, so I was going to have to go bra shopping. With that lovely prospect ahead of me, I groaned inwardly and started picking out an outfit. Twilight and I settled on a tasteful, black calf length skirt and a plain violet V-Neck. It wasn’t anything fancy, of course, but it would get us to the shops.

With a smile that was dutifully faked, I followed Twilight into town and bought some clothes for myself, and what a tedious process it was. Take this off, put that on, that looks better with BLAH!. Most of my wardrobe now consisted of black, dark grey, and various shades of purple that leaned towards blue. In short, I had copied my color scheme over and added a bit of red to the blue dye. There was more of the same with my livery, though I only bought a few things since Twilight said that she wanted to have the full experience with a few more friends. It didn’t matter too much to me, though I was happy when we stopped by Twilight’s place so I could get properly dressed. The livery still struck me as a little much, but if I was going to keep up the charade, I had to act the part.

Since I had my own clothes, I gave Twilight’s back to her and was now dressed in a light lavender top and denim jeans. Twilight gave me her seal of approval, and so she took me across town to go visit Rarity. Pretending not to know where things were meant that Twilight was taking the lead, and her sense of direction was simply terrible. I had to ‘accidentally’ put us back on the right track a couple of times, but the walk was over quickly enough, and I had someone to meet.

We strolled on into Rarity’s shop, and for once, she was in the front parlor. She wasn’t doing anything, granted, but she was still there, and she was looking quite bored. When Twilight and I walked through the door, however, she perked up immediately and greeted us with a smile.

“Twilight! It's good to see you darling!” Rarity rushed in for a hug before turning to me. “I don’t believe we’ve ever met, have we?”

“We haven’t. My name is Roxy, and you must be Rarity.” I said with a little smile.

“Welcome to my humble little shop, Miss Roxy.” She did a shallow curtsy. “What brings you in?”

I glanced over to the purple mare and she spoke up. “I was just showing Roxy around town and wanted to introduce you. I also wanted to ask if you want to go shopping with us later.”

Rarity’s eyes lit up. “I would be delighted! We’ll make a day of it, shall we?”

I chuckled. “Seems like we will. Even across worlds, some things never change.”

Rarity opened her mouth to respond, but did a double take. “Wait, are you from a different world like Max?”

I looked at her and nodded slowly. “I thought the lack of pointy ears and hooves was pretty clear.”

“Well, I wasn’t exactly expecting to see another of Max’s kind in my lifetime, so do forgive my surprise.”

“All’s forgiven, I was just joking with you, sweetie.” I gave her a smile and she returned it.

“I suppose you and Max came from the same country?” Rarity asked.

“The accent gives it away, Rarity.” Twilight commented.

Rarity blushed. “That’s fairly obvious, Twilight. I was referring to the way Max and Roxy joke around. It’s very similar.”

I shrugged. “It's the English sense of humor, I guess.”

“Speaking of Max, where is he? One would think he’d be thrilled to see another one of his kind!” Rarity asked.

I pursed my lips. “He didn’t seem that excited when I met him.”

“Oh, so you have already met him?”

I nodded. “I have. To answer your original question, though, I would guess that he’s on a top secret mission of some kind. That’s basically what his letter said.”

Rarity shot Twilight a worried look. “Another one? So soon? I thought he said that this wouldn’t be happening often!”

Twilight laid a hand on her arm. “I don’t think now’s the time, Rarity. We can be mad at him when he comes back.”

I cleared my throat to get their attention. “You know, he made his business sound awfully urgent. Do you know what he even does?”

They traded a look. “Well, no, not really. Max kind of just… Well…” Twilight looked to Rarity for help, but found none there.

“Right. I’d say he’s cheating on you, but if he has multiple girlfriends, it’s kinda hard to do that.” I said.

Twilight giggled. “That’s true. I’m sure that whatever he’s up to, he’ll come back safe and sound.”

“Of course, darling! Our Max has braved the Everfree for a month! I daresay that he’s made of stronger stuff than your average stallion.” Rarity said proudly.

I widened my eyes. “Wait, he went there for a whole month!? I spent an hour in there and nearly died!”

Twilight beamed. “Max truly is remarkable, just don’t let him hear you say that. He might get mad.”

I rolled my eyes. “Men, am I right?”

“That means ‘stallions’, doesn’t it?” Rarity asked.

“‘Stallions’ means males, right?”

“It does.” She said with a nod.

I dipped my head toward her. “There’s your answer.”

After what felt like hours of talking, Twilight and Rarity finally got a fucking move on. I couldn’t complain since it was filling time in the day, but I still found it annoying that they felt the need to talk about every little thing, and on top of that, involve me in the conversation about every little thing! I can’t say that I cared in the least about how Spike burned the pancakes that morning, or how Sweetie Belle did the same thing a week ago, but it was all for the sake of the prank.

We walked over to Fluttershy’s, and that was a pain in the ass. I had forgotten about just how shy she had been before she’d gotten comfortable around me, but I was reminded when Twilight and Rarity introduced me. After having to hear Fluttershy’s name from Rarity, we got back into town and went shopping for more bras and knickers, and boy was that fun! Trying on various things sucked bollocks, but getting to watch Fluttershy, Rarity and Twilight try out new undergarments? Worth every second of my suffering. In fact, by the end of our little trip, I was feeling more than a little… Damp. In a female heavy town like Ponyville, I’d be able to chase as much lesbian tail as I felt the desire to, but since I was still a loyal fellow, I could pick from Fluttershy or Rarity to pursue, though I didn’t see that working out too well for me.

Sexually frustrated to no end, I mosied along with them on the way back to Rarity’s boutique. We sat around Rarity’s kitchen table, sipping on tea, until Twilight had a brilliant idea.

“I know! Why don’t we have a slumber party!” She exclaimed out of fucking nowhere

“What a wonderful idea!” Rarity gushed. “It would give Roxy a great chance to meet the rest of our friends!”

The two of them looked at me, so I looked at Fluttershy. “Do you know what these slumber parties usually entail?”

“W-W-Well…” She started “We usually h-have s-snacks and stuff…”

I looked at Twilight and Rarity, both of whom were leaning forward. “...Are you waiting for me to say yes?” I asked cautiously.

They nodded. “Is there going to be alcohol?”

“There can be, I suppose.” Rarity said.

“Then I’m definitely in. You girls seem like you’d be even more fun with a little liquid courage in you.” I said cheekily.

Rarity and Twilight cast a scared glance toward Fluttershy who was blushing. “I-I don’t think it’s the best idea…”

“Oh come on, Fluttershy!” I said, grinning. “What’s wrong? Is it time for a story?”

The three of them looked anywhere but at me.

“...You know that I’m not going to force you to have a drink, yeah?” I asked Fluttershy.

She nodded quickly. “I-I know, it’s just that I like to drink…”

I gave her an odd look. “What’s wrong with that?”

“I ended up kissing Rainbow after a long night…” Fluttershy blushed and hid behind her hair.

“Is that it?” I asked. “Which set of lips was it on?”

That turned Rarity bright red. “Roxy! Such language is unbefitting of a lady!”

“Oh come off it, Rarity! You can’t tell me that you enjoy being bothered to be a proper lady all the time.” I smirked.

“I am not bothered to be a proper lady because I am one.” She huffed.

“Are you trying to insinuate that I’m not?” I asked testily.

Rarity spluttered and I laughed. “Take it easy. I’m just having some fun with you again.”

Twilight smiled and shook her head. “Maybe you don’t like Max because you two are so alike?”

“Don’t know him well enough to say anything about that, so I’ll trust your judgement.” I commented.

With Rarity still somewhat upset, Fluttershy, Twilight and I cheered her up and headed out to grab some supplies before we reconvened at Twilight’s. Fluttershy was tasked with getting the other girls to the party, Rarity with the snacks, and Twilight and I were in charge of the party favous. Going to the liquor store with a notoriously straight edge woman earned me some queer looks, but I was having too much fun preparing for the slumber party to care. We ended up getting a bottle of something clear and strong and two bottles of wine. I picked cherry because I thought it sounded nice, and Twilight went with a pleasant plum, but I thought we needed something for everyone, so I grabbed a bottle of white wine to go along with our other purchases.

Because magic is awesome when it’s convenient, I had Twilight teleport our booze home and started off towards my house. It surprised me that Twilight had been the one to suggest it out of all people, but if she wanted to have a little bit of extra fun, I wasn’t going to complain. We took our time once we got to my place which gave me plenty of time to change clothes again. I swear, I’d changed clothes more times in one day than I had in the past three months, though in fairness, two of those months were awfully light on spare clothing. Still, I’d seen more outfits in the mirror so far than I would’ve ever dreamed possible, and knowing that this was only the first day killed me a little bit on the inside.

Despite the mild amount of social exhaustion I was feeling, the little detour with Twilight had gone a long way in keeping my spirits up. While I knew that I didn’t actually have to pretend to be someone else, it was still something interesting to do and it allowed me to gain some interesting insights on myself from other people’s perspective. Throughout the day, whenever I tried to say something negative about myself, the girls defended me so readily that I had to stop, just in case it spoiled the relationship I was trying to build.

Twilight and I strolled into her house, lit like Christmas trees. I managed to keep my cool, but with less practice in the field, Twilight was acting a bit odd. It was pretty funny to watch, and I was glad that she’d had the idea in the first place. I didn’t know how I felt about weed being used to welcome people because of something I’d done, but I’d made my peace with the consequences of introducing it in the first place.

Rarity met us at the door and lead us to the library area of Twilight’s house where multiple sleeping bags had been set out along with many, many blankets in a circle around an unlit lantern. Plenty of snacks, a large bowl of popcorn, and a camera all joined the lantern in the middle, and my hopes for the night rose up until Pinkie Pie laid eyes on me. Immediately, she was in my face.

“Hiya! I’m Pinkie and I-” She started to rattle out.

I held up a hand and she stopped. “Little quick there, sweetie. Slow it down for me, just a notch. Please?”

Pinkie Pie grinned like the fool she was. “Sure! I just wanted to say welcome to Ponyville!”

I put on a smile. “Thank you Pinkie.”

“Anytime! Well, I say anytime, but it can’t literally be any time because that would mean that you came to Ponyville for the first time multiple times, but if you could do that, then you’d never technically go anywhere because you’ve been everywhere you’ve ever been for the first time already, but you’ve never actually gone there, and that would mean that you can’t exist on this plane of existence! Checkmate!”

I blinked at her before patting her head. “Good Pinkie. Good Pinkie.”

She gave me an odd look. “You’re a weird one, aren’t you?” Pinkie sneezed and confetti came out.

“Maybe just a little bit.” I responded, watching the confetti fall. “I don’t think you have too much room to talk, though.”

Pinkie looked around. “There’s plenty of room in here for talking!”

“Now that you mention it, I suppose there is.”

“Exactly! So don’t be afraid to talk all you want!”

I touched my face, looking for a beard that wasn’t there. “While I enjoy a good conversation, I don’t actually talk very often, so please don’t feel like I’m not interested if I don’t say something. It’s just the way I am. I think Rarity had that problem earlier.”

“Rarity always has a problem, so don’t take it personally! She’s a really nice mare, you just have to give her a chance.”

“That’s pretty much what Max said regarding all of the ponies. It certainly is taking some getting used to.”

Pinkie Pie grabbed my hand and lead me over to the circle of sleeping bags and blankets, plopping herself down once she found the most disgustingly pink area. I didn’t really feel like sitting next to Pinkie, but it would have been impolite to sit elsewhere after she had literally lead me there, so I sat like a good girl, yes I am, and suffered through a few more minutes of conversation with Pinkie before Applejack came in from the kitchen and rescued me.

“Howdy!” She called out from behind me while Pinkie was talking about… Something. “Twilight told me we were gonna have someone new tonight, but I thought it was gonna be someone from town.”

“I’m sorry, but you’ll have to settle for another human.” I said dejectedly, hanging my head.

Applejack came a little closer, so I stood up so I could meet her properly. She extended a hand and I grasped it firmly. “It’s nice to meet ya, sugarcube. My name’s Applejack, and I run Sweet Apple Acres with my brother just outside of town.”

“The pleasure’s all mine, sweetie. I’m Roxanne, but most people just call me Roxy.”

“Nice name ya got there, though I can’t say I’ve heard of one like it.”

“That’s because Roxy here is an alien, just like Maxy!”

Applejack chuckled. “I kinda noticed that, Pinkie. Come on, why don’t we head back to the kitchen and join the rest of the girls?”

I nodded my assent and we walked into the kitchen where Rarity, Twilight, Rainbow and Fluttershy were all giggling their heads off about something or other. I tried to pay attention to their explanation but I was so bored by the five minute mark that I was eager to break into the wine. So far, my week as a woman had involved a fuck ton of talking and a lot of changing clothes, but I considered my statistics invalid because of the clothes shopping. Still, the stereotypes were proving true, and now I was just waiting for my period to sync up with someone’s estrus so we could fuck everything before destroying it.

After a nice, droll talk, we moved the party into the living room and Pinkie informed me that I would have to have a welcoming party sometime soon. I had no desire to have a party and I told her as much, but Pinkie was persistent despite her friends asking her to let it go. I eventually caved, though I did ask that the party be small, stating that I felt uncomfortable in large crowds of strangers. It wasn’t a sentiment shared by everyone, but Twilight and Fluttershy had my back on the issue. Personally, I’ve never actually had an issue with crowds since that just meant more marks in a smaller space, but I had never been fond of parties for some reason. It just wasn’t my bag.

We sat in a circle and talked about more bullshit. Fluttershy, Applejack and I were pretty quiet through most of the ordeal, leaving the others to pick up our conversational slack, though I doubt they even really noticed. I was too busy trying not to rip the damnable creation that was strapped around some fleshy globes on my chest to really participate anyway. Twilight took her time in getting to the fun part of the evening, but when she did, things got far better. Twilight and I teamed up to get everyone to take a puff or five from her corn cob pipe, and by the time we were through with that, control of the party favours had been given to the presiding human, which meant that every bottle was popped and glasses were filled. Now that multiple conversations were going at the same time, intermingling with each other at certain points, I actually had a proper chance to talk about something. Luckily, Fluttershy was feeling less shy due to the introduction of certain things in her mouth, so I could talk to her without having to deal with the stuttering.

Once the group dissolved into subsets, I scooted closer to Fluttershy and Rarity and caught a little bit of an interesting conversation. They welcomed me into their little ring and I paid some attention for once.

“Where was I?” Rarity tapped her chin. “Oh! That’s right! Fluttershy, do you remember me telling you about the day when Max came to collect the clothes I made for him?”

Fluttershy nodded blearily. “Of course.”

“Well, since we know he has the clothes, and we know that he commissioned them, why hasn’t he worn any of them yet?” Rarity said, visibly perturbed.

“If I were him, I probably wouldn’t wear them because you made them. You’re Max’s friend, right?” I asked.

“Well, yes, but I don’t see why that would make him not wear my apparel.” She huffed before sipping her wine.

“It’s because he probably doesn’t want to ruin it. From what I’ve heard from you girls, Max is the type of guy to be careful with something someone made specifically from him, and if he’s from Wiltshire like he says, then he’s either too used to nice things to appreciate them, or he’s so unused to them that he can’t bring himself to ruin your clothes by wearing them. I guess it just depends on what his life was like before he came to Ponyville.”

“He said that his life in England was rough.” Rarity said evenly.

“Then he probably doesn’t want to mess up the stuff you made.” I shrugged. “It might be some silly guy reason, though. Take my words with a grain of salt.”

“You’re a really insightful mare, you know that?” Fluttershy purred. I noticed that she had my bottle of cherry wine next to her, and that a good bit of it seemed to be missing.

I smiled. “I didn’t. Thank you, Fluttershy.”

“Anytime.” She gave me a promising wink and my heart sped up a bit. Fluttershy was already coming on to me.

“You know, I have to ask: What shampoo do you use for your mane?” I inquired.

“Oh, just some of Natural Bliss’s usual stuff. I don’t think it would work too well with your mane, as curly as it is.”

I ran a hand through my wavy locks. “I think you’re right. I’m kinda surprised that the vanilla stuff Max has works for it. I guess a lot of things stayed the same from my universe.”

Rarity and Fluttershy traded a look. Rarity held up one finger and whispered something to Fluttershy. If I was a more insecure person, I probably would have cared, but it wasn’t in the best interest of my new persona to get all uptight too early. I made it quite obvious that I was watching them, but they continued on as if I wasn’t there, which actually did piss me off a bit.

Once they were finished, they turned to me. “So, Roxy…” Fluttershy began.

“We were just wondering…” Rarity continued.

“If you’d be interested in answering a certain question…” Fluttershy finished ominously.

“...Feel free to ask whatever you want.” I said carefully.

“Well… What do you think about Max? We know you haven’t known him long, but everypony is curious.”

I took some time to consider that question. “I think Max has his problems, but he makes up for it in other ways.”

Rarity and Fluttershy traded a look. “...Is that all?” Rarity asked.

I shrugged. “I met the guy for like, an hour. I could tell you just as much about Max as I could Rainbow Dash.”

“That’s not very long to get to know somepony.” Fluttershy said.

I nodded. “Exactly. I know all of you better than I know him.”

Rarity scoffed. “Darling, we know you better than we know Max! That stallion never talks unless he knows he’s right!”

“Or if he thinks he’s right.” Fluttershy added, pouring herself another glass of wine.

“So you’re saying that he’s a cut above your average guy? Most guys I’ve dated talk regardless of whether or not they even have anything to say.” I said with a smile.

“We mean that he never talks about his feelings.” Rarity corrected.

“He’s a guy, sweetie. They don’t talk about their feeling because they don’t even know how they feel half the time. Guys are like children: They don’t know why they’re mad, sad, or scared in general, but they do know that if they pretend that it’s something they can just be mad at, then it’s easier for them to get through the day. I know that back in England, men were held up to a certain standard and that didn’t really allow them to express themselves like a woman can. I guess you could say that society’s pressure to be a stoic, strong, independent man both makes and breaks a person, depending on your definition of a functioning adult.”

“...Did I ever mention how insightful you are?” Fluttershy asked after a moment.

“You did. Did I ever tell you how sexy you are?” I gave her a sly smile.

She returned my smile with one of her own, though Rarity just looked on in confusion. “You never have, though I appreciate it. You know, I think I might try styling my mane like yours sometime soon, I think it looks fantastic!”

“Thank you sweetie, but I always wished that my hair would be as straight and shiny as yours. Maybe we should trade styles for a day?” I looked to Rarity. “How about it? Do you want to make this a threesome?”

Rarity looked quite unsure, so I saved her. “Well, in your case, I don’t think I could do what you do. I don’t stand a chance at making my hair look half as good as yours.”

“Oh, it just takes a little extra time, darling! I know it’s not necessarily something that every mare wants to take the time to do, but I wouldn’t mind helping you for a day.” Rarity offered meekly.

“I would hate to take your time for something so selfish!” I gently deflected. Rarity was right, I didn’t want to bother with it at all.

“We could do it now! Let’s get everypony involved!” Fluttershy said excitedly.

Since Fluttershy was some kind of evil, we approached the other girls and put our names in a wizard hat that Twilight had on hand. Instead of having everyone choose a name, we simplified it a bit and just had everyone switch with whoever they picked. Luckily I switched with Twilight, so I wouldn’t have to do too much, but poor Applejack got Pinkie Pie and Rainbow got Rarity. Fluttershy was the odd one out, so she got to pick her from the group. It wasn’t a surprise that she picked mine, and I found it to be rather flattering anyway. I was a little miffed with myself for walking straight into this mess, but since Rarity and Fluttershy were going to be doing all the styling, I wasn’t too upset about it.

Due to the delicate nature of capturing someone’s personal flair while still giving them their desired style, it was decided that I would be the first one to receive Rarity and Fluttershy’s attention because of some stupid reason that Rarity had. It was fine by me, seeing as how it meant that I could get my suffering out of the way quickly, but after Rarity started combing through my hair, I found myself enjoying it. I suppose that everyone desires care and affection at some level. When they were finished, Fluttershy grabbed me a hand mirror. I told the girls that I felt smarter already and they laughed.

Eventually we got through everyone, and now the girls and I looked vaguely like one another. It was hilarious to see Rainbow with her hair up like Rarity’s, and it was I nearly lost my shit when we Pinkified Applejack. Rarity, instead of being a good sport about it, whined endlessly about the uncivilized nature of Rainbow’s hairdo, but I eventually tuned her out.

The next event of the night spin the bottle and I was somewhere between psyched and sickened. On one hand, I’d get to kiss four total babes, but on the other, I would basically be a pedophile. A smile crept across my face when I figured out who I was going to slip some tongue, and thus, the game started. Pinkie Pie was up first, and thanks to some incredible luck on her part, she got to kiss me. I inwardly sighed, though I still puckered up for my punishment. All in all, it hadn’t been terrible, and Pinkie’s lips reminded me of cotton candy. Since Pinkie had taken up residence next to me, it was my turn, so I gave the bottle a spin and it landed on Applejack, who was more than a little hesitant about surrendering her lips to my will. After Applejack prolonged the process by being a wimp, I showed her what a real kiss was like. When I pulled away from her, she was sporting an adorable blush.

The game continued on and my earlier frustration returned en force. I had kissed everyone but Fluttershy at least once now, and my patience was running thin, and if the look she had been giving me the entire game was anything to go by, then so was hers. Fluttershy had been dropping hints for a while now, though she was subtle about it. It actually made me pause for a moment to wonder if Fluttershy just had a human fetish, or if the alcohol really did loosen her morals that quickly. By now, the cherry and white wine were gone, leaving us with a bottle of hard liquor and some juice to mix it with since the plum wine Twilight had gotten was unpalatable to everyone but her. I took a break to grab a drink and Fluttershy joined me in the kitchen.

“You know, it’s been a pretty great day, all things considered.” I commented as I poured my juice.

Fluttershy came to a stop a few centimeters away from me, close enough that I could smell the faint remnants of her perfume. “Really? I’m glad to hear that!”

“Yeah, going shopping with you girls was great and the slumber party’s been fun too.”

“What was your favorite part of the day so far?” She asked.

“Do you want me to be completely honest with you?” I asked, both brows lifted.

“Of course!”

“The best part so far was shopping for knickers and whatnot.”

Fluttershy’s eyes widened by a fraction and she smiled. “We did find some cute things, didn’t we?”

“I think I managed alright, but the white and yellow set you found was perfect for you!”

“Wasn’t it? I got it with Max in mind, but I don’t know if I’ll get a chance to show him any time soon.” She sighed.

“Feel free to show off to me anytime, sweetie. Lord knows I wouldn’t mind catching a peek.” I said with a sultry smile.

Fluttershy bit her lip. “I don’t know about that. Maybe you could convince me?”

I finished mixing my drink and sipped it. “What if I offered to do the same for you? Would that sway you at all?”

She gave me a dirty grin. “It might, though you might want to be careful about making promises.”

I leaned in and gave her a lesson in oral dexterity, leaving her lightly panting by the time I let her go. “I never make promises I don’t intend on keeping.”

Fluttershy wrapped her arms around me and pressed her chest into mine. “I’ll hold you to that. Maybe after everypony goes to sleep we could…?

I cupped a handful of her bottom and she squeaked. “Hold me to whatever you want, after the girls are lights out, we’re having a bit of an after party.”

I heard steps coming in from the living room, so I let go of Fluttershy and picked my drink up. Applejack rounded the corner and gave us a smile. “How y’all doin’?”

“Just fine. Yourself?” I responded casually.

“Well, I was thinkin’ that it’s about time I broke into some of what you’re havin’.”

“Want me to mix it for you? I’ve been told that I can make it just right.” I offered.

“If ya don’t mind too much, I’d like that.”

Fluttershy lifted a hand. “Could I have one too?”

I agreed because I’m the greatest and got their drinks made to their desired strengths. We moved back into the living room where there was a new game going, and it was an old one that everyone should be familiar with. I hadn’t played it much since I dated that one college girl for a week, but I was fond of the game, and nearly jumped at the chance to be the first to ask the question. My maturity kept me from volunteering, and my lack of knowledge on Equestrian Truth or Dare ethics made me want to go last so I could see where the bar was set.

Applejack went first and she set the bar incredibly low. She asked Twilight who her first kiss was, though I was surprised to find that it was me. That was pretty much the highlight of the game for the first few rounds, though Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash had some good ones. Pinkie Pie threw me one hell of a bone and dared me to molest Fluttershy for ten seconds, which neither of us minded too terribly, though I was one hundred percent certain that Pinkie was well aware of what was going on between the two of us. In any case, I got some mammaries in my hands and the night was looking better than it had for the past few hours. I had a good buzz going, prospects of getting laid, and Twilight’s snacks were pretty decent, so I was feeling pretty good about where the week was headed now. Then I worried about what Fluttershy had said earlier about the effect alcohol had on her. If she was only being so receptive to my advances because of a substance, then I didn’t really want to sleep with her. It also brought up a strange question that made my head hurt. Would it be cheating if Fluttershy slept with me since I was technically a different person from her perspective? I wouldn’t hold it against her at all since we were in a polygamous relationship anyway, but I was a bit confused by the question. I reasoned my worries away so I could enjoy the best part of the day so far, letting the tides of Truth or Dare carry me into Rainbow’s arms for an off pitch lullaby.

After a brief intermission where I made drinks for the rest of the girls, Truth or Dare got more risque with each passing chance. Applejack and Rarity had both been dared to strip down to their skivvies by Pinkie and I, and Twilight had to remove her bra and put it on her head, courtesy of Rainbow. Fluttershy got Rarity good when she dared her to leave two ice cubes in her bra until they melted, and though Rarity failed the task, it was still a comical occurrence. The white mare came back with a vengeance and dared me to drink a tablespoon of Pinkie Pie’s hottest sauce.

Fucking Hell. I experienced Hell in my mouth. It was so bad that I don’t even want to describe the event again, though I will say that there was plenty of milk afterwards. Since I had had such a terrible reaction to the hot sauce, it was off the table for future dares, which did my plans to have Rarity put a drop in each eye no favors. Eventually, after being motorboated by Twilight and being given a wedgie that sucked for even more reasons than usual by Rainbow, I got a chance to exact my revenge on Rarity, but I nearly let it pass since I couldn’t think of anything that wouldn’t leave a mark. My mind spat out the most evil yet tame idea that had been conjured up all night: I dared Rarity to let Rainbow Dash do her makeup.

Jaws dropped and mewls of terror could be heard from outside the house. I swear, the lights dimmed and started flickering in the kitchen and parlour adjacent, but were fine in the library part where we were. Thunder crashed, knocking the lights out in their entirety, leaving us with only the lantern and some magic to light the night for us now. Shit had gone a little sideways, but Rarity didn’t want to be the only one to outright refuse a dare, so she sat still and waited while Rainbow and Fluttershy sorted through her crap to find her ‘travel sized’ makeup kit. I don’t know why the woman didn’t just get up and get it herself since she knew what it looked like and where it was at, but it wasn’t any concern of mine as long as the dare was fulfilled.

Now, I had never known Rainbow or Pinkie to wear makeup, but I had a sneaking suspicion that Pinkie would pull out some mad skills from nowhere, so I went with the tomboyish, almost anti-feminine girl to do my dirty work. I had made a last moment decision that, at the time, seemed like the most logical. Two minutes into Rainbow Dash’s ministrations, I feared for my life. Rarity was still fucking stunning without her makeup, which was nice for the first few seconds before Rainbow put brush to easel, but once she truly got started, Fluttershy took me by the arm and lead me out of the house.

“Rarity is going to be very upset with you.” Fluttershy warned me once we were out the door.

“If it makes either of you feel any better, I would have done worse than Rainbow.” I said.

Fluttershy gave me a look. “Butterscotch Beige with Brick Red?”

I winced. “Okay, so maybe I would have had a bit more taste when it comes to-” I paused. “Hold on, once we get back in, there’s something I have to ask Rainbow. I just thought of something incredibly ironic.”

She gave me a look as the door opened to reveal Applejack who joined us. We greeted her briefly, but she only had eye for me.

“You know Rarity is gonna be pretty sore with ya, right?” Applejack said.

I sighed. “So I’ve heard. I’m sure that she’ll calm down once we get her cleaned up and back to her normal, beautiful self, though I can’t help but wonder why she wears makeup if she looks like that without it.”

“It’s because stallions and some mares can’t seem to keep their heads on straight when she doesn’t wear it.” Applejack explained. “Before Rarity and I got close, we went to school together and I still remember the day when she started to get more attention from some of our classmates. She came to school, same as usual, but halfway through the lesson, two of our classmates that were sittin’ next to each other start arguin’, both of them claimin’ Rarity as their fillyfriend. Next thing ya know, half the class is brawlin’ and I’m caught up in the middle of it tryin’ to get Rarity out of there before she gets hurt. We became friends after that and almost more, but that was a different time in both of our lives, and we stopped talking to each other not too long after Rarity refused to step into my house.” Applejack shrugged. “Might be a little off track, but I’m still a little upset about that, and I doubt she even remembers it.”

I pursed my lips as I digested the information that had been given to me. “So Rarity’s just too pretty to not wear makeup?”

Applejack and Fluttershy nodded. “That’s the short version.” Applejack said.

“Right. So what’s this about you and Rarity becoming ‘more than friends’?”

Applejack blushed and tried to ignore me, but Fluttershy was just as curious as I was, so we pretty much just stared at her until she spilled the beans. “Alright! If y’all wanna stop lookin’ at me like that, I’ll tell you the abridged version.”

We stopped staring and she started again. “So after I helped Rares out of that little jam in school, we went back to her place and went to settle down for a little bit and played around to get our minds off of what just happened. It just so happened that I had some experience with makeup, so we put that on her and Rarity got her signature look.” Applejack rolled her eyes. “Rarity was grateful and she showed that with a kiss, but I wanted a bit more than one. Keep in mind that I was goin’ through that experimental phase that every mare goes through!”

I chuckled and patted her arm. “No judgement from me, sweetie. I’m still in that experimental phase, but I guess after you swear off of men, it’s not really a phase anymore.”

Applejack’s face lit up. “I knew it! I thought there was somethin’ familiar about the way you kissed!”

“Are you sure that’s all?” Fluttershy asked innocently. “Don’t you want to try again and see if you can find any more similarities?”

Applejack blushed and I gave her a peck on the cheek. “I’m game if you are.”

“No offense, but I ain’t that kinda mare anymore.” Applejack said politely.

I grinned. “I figured, but if you ever wanna bat for my team, I’d be happy to help you out.”

Fluttershy giggled and Applejack opened her mouth, but before she could speak, an ear shattering screech sheared through the silence of the night. We already knew what the cause was, but I wasn’t ready to face the consequences of Rainbow’s actions, so I stayed my happy arse outside. Applejack and Fluttershy shared my sentiment, so we kept talking.

“As I was about to say,” Applejack continued, “I think that you’d have a better shot when Max comes back. I’ve had a threesome with him before and it was pretty nice, and toys never beat the real thing. At least, not his real thing.” She said with a dirty grin that was shared by Fluttershy.

“I agree. You might not think much of him right now, but Max is great in bed. I haven’t spent a night with him that hasn’t gone well for me.” Fluttershy vouched.

I shook my head. “I’m sure Max is quite the chap in the sack, but dick just isn’t my thing. I like girls.”

Fluttershy subtly reached over and palmed my ass when I said that, making sure to stand extra close to me so Applejack wouldn’t notice. I didn’t react beyond a quick glance in her direction, but Applejack was more astute than Fluttershy was sneaky, so I caught the knowing smile that flashed across her mouth. I gave her a wink and she excused herself, stating that Rarity would probably want her to fix her makeup.

That left Fluttershy and I alone on the stoop. We wasted no time, preferring to just get to the snogging the moment Applejack closed the door. I was so entranced by Fluttershy’s lips and other assets, I hadn’t been paying attention to the fact that we had an audience up until I heard someone snicker. I gently broke our kiss and removed myself from Fluttershy, who was now blushing up a storm, though she later told me that it was more from the kiss than being caught.

I turned to face the rest of the girls and smiled. “Hello there. Enjoy the show?”

“We sure did!” Pinkie said cheerfully.

Rainbow and Rarity were busy glowering at me and Applejack was too busy trying to quell the shit eating grin she had to say much.

“You two can’t play spin the bottle by yourselves! You only ever get to kiss one person!” Twilight said, completely glossing over the fact that Fluttershy and I had barely stopped to take a breath, let alone spin a bottle.

“When you’re right, you’re right.” I sighed theatrically. “It’s just that Fluttershy and I never got to kiss each other, so we were a little curious.”

“I was feeling so left out, not getting a kiss from Roxy…” Fluttershy said innocuously.

Applejack rolled her eyes since she knew the score, but sweet, innocent Twilight took the half truth at face value. Sadly, being caught meant that we were obligated to join the party once more, but with most of the snacks deteriorated and the lights still out, there wasn’t much left to do besides talk, which we did for the last couple of hours before dawn. I convinced Twilight to smoke a few more bowls from my stash, and that put Rainbow and Pinkie out as the Sun started showing its face, though Rarity sat it out. Applejack had brought a change of clothes, so she borrowed Twilight’s shower and prepared to get her day started, which left Twilight, Fluttershy, Rarity and I to our own devices. I teamed up with Rarity to make breakfast as a way to extend an olive branch for making her look ridiculous, despite the fact that I never got to see the finished product and that I didn’t actually do it. It was also a good way to get back on her good side and absorb some of her cooking skills, which were top notch. Rarity was a capable chef with the right ingredients, though she told me that she could only perform with preferable conditions, and Fluttershy and Twilight vouched for her there. Between the three of them, they told me about the time when Rarity had tried to make as many potato based dishes as she could, but ended up coating everything in so much starch, that everything she’d made was practically inedible.

There were potatoes in today’s breakfast, but it was in the form of fried medallions that I was very fond of. The other girls had some pancakes and shit, but I’ve always been more of a savory kind of person when it comes to my breakfast fare. Once we were through with that, the slumber party was officially over and we could go to sleep. Rarity and Twilight joined Rainbow and Pinkie in the library proper while Fluttershy lead me to the basement where we could finally have some fun.

Since I have a standing order from Fluttershy to not include any illicit sexual activity in my journals, the hours we spent in the basement will not be elaborated upon, but I will say that Fluttershy’s tongue was not as refined as Celestia’s, and I may or may not have faked an orgasm. I also may or may not have felt terrible about hypothetically faking said orgasm. Still, If I had faked an orgasm, then it would have been nicer than just telling Fluttershy that she lacked the skill to get me off, so I could hardly feel guilty. If that was the case, that is.

Thoroughly disappointed, I carried the snoozing form of Fluttershy into the living room and tucked her in before I headed home. I was used to spending days awake at a time, so I was tired, but not overly so. I could make it until that night to sleep, but for now, I needed a shower and to get my journals caught up. When I got home, I found Lupa waiting for me on the couch, but when I walked in, she started barking her bloody head off, though she wasn’t actually saying anything.

“Oi! Shut up, you noisy mutt! I’ll spay you with my bare fucking hands if you don’t shut your trap!”

Lupa paused for a moment before she continued. “Stupid Two-Leg! If you don’t get out of here, I’m going to rip your limbs off!”

That gave me reason to shut the Hell up. “Okay, chill! It’s me, Max!”

Lupa cocked her head and approached me, sniffing my pajamas. “You don’t smell like Max.”

“But I understand you!”

Lupa blinked and backed off. “So you do. Master, why are you a bitch?”

“Because that’s the female equivalent of an arsehole, which I am.”

“...I will never understand some of your Two-Leg sayings.”

“It’s probably for the better. Are you going to rip me to pieces now, or can I get my shit done?”

She snorted and went back to her couch, leaving me to grab my journals and catch them up. A lot had happened last night, so I tried to pare everything down so that it was just the interesting bits and the stuff that stuck out, but it was a little difficult. When I had everything I wanted to say written down, I switched gears and started looking through the bags of clothes that I had dropped off in my guest room, settling on a loose indigo top and some black trousers. After finishing up in the shower, I applied some delicious chap stick that I really didn’t need and asked Lupa if she wanted to go into town and make some friends with me. She did not, so I went into town by myself, which was just fine. I wasn’t hurt or anything. Not even the slightest bit offended. Nope, not mad at all. I started acting strange before I left and Lupa asked me if I was okay. I told her I was fine.

Being a woman is fun sometimes.

With Lupa in the metaphorical doghouse, I happily took my time going into Ponyville. I was just thrilled that I wasn’t the one in trouble for once. Seeing as how I’m often being blamed for doing things that are usually justifiable, it was nice to be the one someone was in trouble with, rather than being the person in the hotseat myself. I briefly wondered if my new female powers would allow me to put Celestia in check, so I decided to try the next time I saw her.

Once I actually got into town, I headed toward the park because I felt like it, and it was there that I met the Gryphon that had been staying in town. She was sitting on a bench in the park, glaring at every Pony that passed her, so I decided to take up the spot next to her. She glared at me, but I didn’t give a shit. My feet were hurting due to the size difference from my temporary change, so I wasn’t going anywhere until that pain eased up a bit.

“Lovely day, isn’t it?” I asked conversationally.

“Dude, the thermals are complete shit today and there aren’t even any clouds to do anything with. What’s so good about today?” She grumbled.

“If you’d get your head out of your arse, you might notice that it’s a good day to do some cardio other than flying.”

“What did you just say to me?” She asked.

“I said that if you would get your head out of your arse-”

“Yeah that’s what I thought you said.” She interrupted. “Look, I already don’t like you. Get lost.”

“I’ll ‘get lost’ when you choke and die, you cock swallowing cunt.” I said casually, inspecting my nails.

The Gryphon shut her beak and looked at me for a minute. I had my intangible friend ready to restrain her at a moment’s notice, but the need never came. Instead, the Gryphon extended her hand. “Name’s Gilda.”

I took it in my own. “Roxanne, but everyone I like calls me Roxy.”

“Is that because you don’t like people who call you Roxanne?”

“Got it in one. You might not be as retarded as I thought you were.” I said with a half smile.

Gilda chuckled. “You know, you never find someone who fights back in Equestria. Most of the Ponies around here just take whatever you dump on them and scurry away like some cowardly mice or something, but you’ve got some bite to you.”

“I’m not exactly a Pony and I’m not from around here. I’m willing to bet that you’re not from here either.”

“You’d win that bet if everyone didn’t already know that Gryphons come from Gryphonia. And you called me retarded.”

“Bitch, I’m from another world. The only things I know about this planet I learned from a crash course that skipped over a lot of stuff.”

“Hey, take it easy! No need to go aggro on me.” Gilda said.

“Sorry, bit of a sore spot. I like knowing things, and not knowing much about this world kinda kills me.”

Gilda didn’t understand the feeling, but she got the gist of the idea. She actually turned out to be half decent once you could get past her shitty first impression, and I found out that the reason she was so cross while doing nothing was because she’d been searching for a Pegasus friend that hadn’t surfaced while she’d been in town. Gilda told me that she knew her friend was here and had even dropped by where they were supposed to live yesterday, but couldn’t find them. I didn’t bother asking who she was looking for since it didn’t really concern me, but I did wish her luck in finding her pal.

We talked for a while longer and I told Gilda about some of my exploits that couldn’t be traced back to ‘Max’, and she told me of just about every scrap she’s had. I’m all for a good fight, but this girl was head over heels for the adrenaline rush that came with challenging someone bigger or stronger than herself. I also picked up that she was a bit of a bully from the way she talked about Ponies. Every time she mentioned them, she had to add in that she either insulted or pushed someone around, which I found to be very alienating. It’s one thing to burn away at someone’s self esteem with sarcasm and jibes, but it's another thing entirely to physically mess with a person. I didn’t even really think that being verbally mean was terribly admissible , but it was far more innocent than beating someone up for the fun of it, and I let Gilda know my firm stance on that, which ended with me being called a ‘weak ass pansy’. I’d rather be a fucking pansy than a shitty person. I mean, I’m a shitty person already, granted, but at least I wasn’t going to torture someone for no reason.

Gilda left before I could, though I was preparing to get the Hell away from her when she did. I may have been on good terms with Gilda when she left, but by no means was that twat any closer to being my friend than when we had first met. I could excuse some harsh language, but the woman was actively mean for no reason, and that just wasn’t something I wanted to associate myself with, momentary persona change withstanding.

Once I’d had my fill of the park, I went to check my pocket watch to see the time and realized that I had hidden it in my house so that I wouldn’t have my cover blown by carrying it around with me. With only the Sun as my clock, I fucked around and went to see what all I could do while I was in town. I thought about it and decided that I needed some soap, but couldn’t think of anything that would suit me, so I wandered through the town’s general store and sniffed everything. I was thoroughly anosmic by the time I was finished, and wasn’t much closer to finding a suitable scent until I asked the clerk at the counter if she thought anything smelled like how I look. It was an odd question, but the results were perfect. The woman presented an expensive bottle of Sacred Lotus soap that was simply divine, and a bottle of perfume that matched it closely enough. Surprisingly, the two together ended up costing me about fifty bits, which was considerably more expensive than any other combination in the store by about thirty bits. It’s not like money was an issue or anything, but I still would have preferred spending less even though I was satisfied with my purchase. When you grow up broke, it’s hard to throw money away when you know there’s a better bargain out there.

I took my shit home and showered again because I fucking can, don’t tell me what to do with my life. Lupa approved of my new scent, and I was feeling whimsical enough to go out and see what the girls thought about it until I realized that it had only been about seven hours since I’d left Twilight’s, and that the girls were most likely still catching up on their sleep. I had nothing better to do anyways, so I went back to Twilight’s and knocked. After getting no response, I let myself in and scared the shit out of Spike.

“Whoa! Who are you!?” He shouted about three meters away from the entrance.

“Twilight’s friend. Who are you?” I asked suspiciously.

“I’m her number one assistant!” He said proudly.

“Is that so? I guess even Twilight needs some help staying organized, yeah?”

Spike cocked his head to the side, though he wasn’t looking at me. “Well, yeah. Twilight’s not as organized as you might think she-” He looked me in the eye and his jaw dropped.

I waved. “Hello? You were saying?”

A blush creeped across his scales. “I- uh- er… I’m sorry, what was the question?”

I crossed my arms and lifted a brow. “I don’t really have one. I was just asking you to continue what you were saying.”

“Um… I forgot.”

I smiled and chuckled. “It always happens at the worst times, doesn’t it? You know, Twilight talked a lot about you yesterday. I feel like I already kind of know you, like you’re a little brother or something already.”

Spike face fell so hard I almost felt bad. “Right. I hear that a lot.”

“Girl troubles?” I asked.

His blush grew. “Maybe…”

I walked over and put a hand on his shoulder. “Chin up, sport. Maybe crushing on your boss’ friends isn’t the best idea?”

“W-Well it’s not like I can help it!” He protested. “It’s not my fault Twilight keeps having hot friends!” His eyes widened when he realized what he’d said and his hands clamped over his mouth.

I didn’t bother holding back the grin that came to my face, though I made sure to give it the proper amount of energy. “Thanks, kiddo, but I’m out of your league, too old for you, and on your team, though not necessarily in that order. “

Spike took his hands away from his mouth and gave me a confused look. “What does that mean?”

“What does what mean, sweetie?” I choked out. Calling another man ‘sweetie’ left a bitter taste in my mouth.

“That you’re out of my league.”

“Oh. It means we’re on different levels. When I say it, I mean that I’m not worth the heartache.” I lied.

“Oh… What do you mean when you say you’re on my team?”

“That means that I like girls, just like you.” Spike looked down and then at his tail, “I don’t mean you’re a girl, I mean that we both like girls.”

“Ah, that makes more sense.” He said.

I nodded and patted his head patronizingly. “Of course, young padawan. That was the point.”

“What’s a padawan?”

“Eh, don’t worry about that one. It would take too long to explain and it would take away from our time together, which we will be spending wherever there are girls your age.”

He gave me a funny look. “Don’t get me wrong, I like you and all, but why would we be spending time with girls my age?”

I found it odd that he didn’t question spending some of his day with me, but didn’t comment on it. “To find you a girlfriend, duh! If you have a girl your own age to keep you busy, then you won’t have time to lust after Twilight’s buddies like the naughty little lad you are.”

“That sounded like an insult. Are you from the same place as Max?” He asked.

“Yes, actually, but that doesn’t mean that I was trying to insult you.”

“Right.” He said skeptically. “Why don’t we save the whole match making thing for another day?”

I giggled. “It’s funny that you think you have a choice.”

He sighed in resignation, which only made me want to giggle some more. I thought his general obedience was quite funny, and I started thinking more in depth about the power of the growler. So far, my new vagina had allowed me to put Lupa in her place, be accepted more readily by Twilight and her friends, gotten me a discount at the general store, and was now letting me boss Spike around like he was my bitch, and the guy didn’t even know my name! The pussy was too strong, it’s power too corrupting. It made me wonder how Twilight and her friends had managed to avoid using it for evil for so long, but then I realized that Rarity used her sex appeal damn near daily, Fluttershy used it by existing and being adorable, and Twilight and Applejack used it to boss around the men in their lives. Pinkie and Rainbow couldn't really use feminine appeal since they, well, just didn’t have any.

Vaguely concerned about my morals, I let Spike lead the way to the school that he didn’t attend, though I had to ask why didn’t go to school like the rest of the kids in town. It was a stupid question since I knew who Twilight was, but one that I still wanted answered. Apparently, Twilight had him on a rigorous learning schedule that was only interrupted by the necessities of life and cleaning up after both himself and Twilight; something that I didn’t really agree with. I clean up after myself and Lupa because she’s an animal and I’m her caretaker, or at least, I’m supposed to be. Not because she effectively forces me to. I didn’t like that Twilight basically abused Spike by not really letting him have a social life, but it was her call as his guardian, which meant that I should keep my nose out of their business. I wasn’t going to because I considered Spike and Twilight friends of mine, but I knew that meddling was wrong regardless of how I felt about the situation. However, if I could talk Twilight into allowing Spike to have some manner of social life, then the girlfriend issue would probably solve itself soon enough.

Once I came to that realization, I stopped in my track. “You know what, kiddo?”

Spike stopped shortly after. “What?”

“I think we’ll get you a girlfriend some other time. For now, we’re going to talk to Twilight.”

“We’ve only been gone for like, half an hour.” He protested. “She’s not going to be awake yet.”

“Then I suppose that we’ll have to find something to do to fill the time, now won’t we?” I responded.

“...Like what?”

“...Is there a place to get a smoothie around here?”

Spike groaned. “You’re not going to give me bad news, are you?”

I cocked my head. “No. What makes you ask that?”

“The last time a human took me to get a smoothie, he told me some stuff that I needed to know but didn’t really want to hear. I need to thank Max for letting me know that I didn’t have a shot with Rarity some time. I guess knowing that she wasn’t interested beforehoof softened that blow.”

I gave him a one armed hug. “It’s never easy to get rejected, but I’m glad you’re over it.”

“Who said I was? I still like Rarity, I just know that it’s not going anywhere now.” He shrugged. “It’s kinda disappointing, but I get it. Like you said, all of Twilight’s friends are too old for me.”

“Hey, Pinkie Pie is mentally younger than you, so you could probably try her.” He blanched. “Right. I’m just saying, though. If you wanted to practice getting used to crazy, Pinkie Pie is your best bet.”

“I think I’m good. No offense to Pinkie, but she kinda scares me sometimes.”

“I feel the same way, actually. That girl is a little terrifying. I don’t understand how she breaks the laws of reality, and I never want to, but I do know that she’s mostly harmless.”

“Mostly.” He scoffed.

We got some smoothies and walked back to the library and I was glad that I had probably just saved the guy from certain embarrassment. Now that I actually paid attention to my plan, there was no way that it could have possibly worked out well for Spike, even if we did somehow manage to talk a girl into a relationship of any kind with him. Even then, he would have been a socially awkward near stranger to them, so that probably wouldn’t have ended well. While I was speculating upon just what the bloody fuck I had been thinking, I realized something: The extra X chromosome was impairing my judgement.

I made sure to rethink any thoughts that would affect someone else from then on so I wouldn’t have the same lapse in judgement. It was awfully surprising, but my anecdotal, extremely narrow evidence pointed toward women being retarded by genetics rather than any cause of their own. My super scientific revelation was so amazing, I stopped by the general store on the back to Twilight’s with Spike and grabbed a pen, some ink and some paper. With those magical ingredients, we continued on to Twilight’s house where the girls were starting to stir. No one was actually up when Spike and I walked in, so I went into the kitchen and got my note jotted down, using Spike to send it off to Celestia. She wrote back and told me that I was the most loquacious simp she’d ever met.

I took it as a compliment to my character.

I sat around and talked to Spike about the finer points of talking to women, like paying attention to every detail while not appearing to do so. It’s a tricky art since you have to be obviously paying attention, but you can’t be staring holes into her head as she speaks. I helped him practice keeping his poker face on during a boring, rambling conversation while being expected to respond occasionally. He actually did pretty well since he had some practice with females in general, but I caught him zoning out and staring off into space more than a few times once I got off on a good tangent and was quick to correct him. With a little time, he was coming along nicely and the girls had finally gotten up and moving about.

Twilight was surprised to find that I hadn’t gone to sleep yet. I was surprised that I wasn’t feeling the effects of my extended day at all. In fact, I wasn’t slowing down at all and was happy to have someone to talk to. I found that I was actually desiring social interaction which confused me me. It was either genetic or I was reinforcing stereotypes subconsciously, and the latter was far more likely than the former, though it did make me see something about the way I saw women. It was a worthwhile thought.

When Twilight got up and ready for her day, I asked if I could have a word in private and she brought me to her balcony. “So what did you want to talk about, Roxy?” She asked.

“I wanted to talk to you about Spike. I know it's kinda overstepping my boundaries, and it's really none of my business, but I truly do believe that the kid needs to get out more. Just from the way he acts, I don’t think he’s used to being around anyone male or around his age. I don’t know what it’s like in Equestria, but on Earth, a guy needs a proper role model to show him what it is to be a man.”

Twilight looked at me in shock. “I-I never thought about it. I guess I always…”

“You always what, Twilight?”

Twilight blushed furiously, her eyes off in the distance. On first glance, I had thought she was embarrassed, but upon further inspection, I saw a certain slump to her shoulders, the slight downward curve of her mouth. Twilight was feeling shame over something, but she wasn’t going to crack unless I played my cards just right. I let the autism flow through me and thought of something a caring woman might say.

“Look, Twilight, I won’t judge you for anything you have to say. From the time I’ve spent with you so far, I think I’ve gotten a pretty good picture of your character and I like what I see. Learning something new about you won’t tarnish the impression you’ve already left on me.” I said with utterly false sincerity. I was going to judge the fuck out of Twilight, but that doesn’t mean I had to be so cruel as to tell her what I thought. It may have been a lie, but it was for the greater good or some shit.

She chewed her lip. “...Do you swear to keep it a secret?”

“Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye. The needle is optional, you can use whatever sharp instrument you desire after my demise.”

“...Max said that was a lot more brutal in your world.” She shook her head. “I just sort of realized that I think of Spike as a little brother, but he started out as a… Well, you have to understand that I hatched him from an egg! I raised him until he could walk on two legs, and I knew that he would learn to talk, but it was just easier to see him as a- a pet!” Twilight confessed. “I just feel so terrible for thinking of him as a lesser creature all this time!”

I crossed my arms and gave her a stern look. “Did it stop you from providing for him or looking after him? Did it stop you from caring for him and thinking of him as a brother? Did it stop you from loving him?”

Twilight was taken aback by my tone. “W-Well, n-no…”

“Then why are you beating yourself up over something that hasn’t been a problem? Yes it's bad that you kinda thought of Spike as a pet, but I don’t think you’re the type of gal who is just going to dwell on it without doing anything, are you?”

“I-I don’t know!”

I rolled my eyes. “Come on sweetie, take a deep breath and stop panicking. Think.”

Twilight looked straight into my eyes and followed my instructions. “I’m being so hard on myself because I love Spike, and I hate that I let myself think of my number one assistant as pet on any level for any period of time.” She clenched her fist. “And you’re right!” “I’m not going to let it get me down, and I’m going to start making sure that Spike has what he needs to develop into a healthy stallion!”

I took both of Twilight’s hands in my own and gave her a thousand watt smile. “Brilliant! I hope you know that I’m ready to lend a hand in whatever way I can, just name it!” I may have been overdoing it a notch, but I had decided that I was going to do some good for my friends while I was Roxy.

It had become more than just a prank to me. In my first two days, I had grown quite close to the girls all over again, learned some interesting secrets, found out what they really thought of me, and fucked Fluttershy in a different body, all of which I considered quite the net positive. Two days, and I had made more progress than I had in an entire month. I tried to look at the possible reason, but it twinged a bit to face the truth. My sex and my blunt honesty had roughly forged out a lasting friendship with the girls, but, in certain ways, a single fucking day as Roxy had made me privy to so many aspects of the girl’s lives that I had been completely unaware of that I could argue against myself for hours about which version of myself could manage to form a better bond over time. As Max, they knew me as a prickly, yet generous and thoughtful guy, but as Roxy, I had painted myself as a supportive influence with a different take on their lives, though I had a foul mouth on occasion. With practice, I could iron it out, but that just added to the issue. I had made Roxy in a way that would allow me to befriend and help them, but I’d had no idea that I would be accepted so quickly. Roxy was a good friend who didn’t take things personally, who didn’t take jokes too far, who was keen to have fun, and was one of the girls already. Max, on the other hand, was ‘insufferable’ half the time, and took too many things to heart. I was working on the joke thing, but I never actually went out and did anything with all of the girls like I had as Roxy. I’d spent time with each of them individually, but the only times I’d had them all together was when there was bad news, and I needed to change that.

No, I couldn’t allow Roxy to be just a prank. She would become one of my most closely guarded secrets, and I would ask Celestia and Luna to keep it hush hush themselves. I’ve already said that I believed this to be an opportunity to help my friends, but it was also an opportunity to learn how to be a better one in kind. While that meant that I was going to be considerably faker as a person, I didn’t (and still don’t) really care what I was going to do in the future, but I did hope that through making life slightly better for my friends, I might find some sort of passion. For all the smiles and laughs I had faked since I’d become female, it did stir something within me, and that feeling was addictive. I’d already gotten so used to the neutral calm that had come after killing Adolf that life had gotten bland, which was the reason I hadn’t just holed up in my house after sending notes to all of the girls explaining away a week’s absence. When I looked at the big picture, I saw that this was a pretty devious way of becoming the better man I’d once wanted to be.

I would say that it’s dishonorable to lie to your friends, create a whole other identity, and use what you learned through dishonest means to alter the way you treated them, but then I would argue that the ends justify the means when it comes to making someone else’s life better, even if it’s only during the time they spend in your company. Obviously, I leaned toward the more altruistic route since I remembered that I had morals.

I was in deep thought for an awkward amount of time. Twilight had resorted to waving a hand in front of my face to get my attention, and I started, my face flushing after being so engrossed in my own mind.

“Sorry! I just get so caught up in my head, it’s like I just wander off sometimes.”

Twilight touched my arm and gave me a reassuring smile. “Trust me when I say it’s fine. It happens to me all the time when I think of something important. Care to share?”

I bit my lip and twisted my thoughts around to make it sound good, using truth to give it that tell tale ring. “I was just thinking about how nice you and the girls have been to me, despite me being a near stranger. I… It’s just been an amazing, eye opening affair. I just know that I’ll remember these days for the rest of my life.” I looked out over Ponyville and drew a single tear for dramatic effect.

Twilight rushed over and hugged me tightly. “I’ll never forget you, Roxy! I don’t know how long we’ll have you, but I hope that you’re happy while you’re here!”

I hugged her back, but a piece of me ached a little knowing that Roxy wouldn’t be around long. However, I was fine with helping Twilight find a proper mentor. My first thought was Onyx Lock since he wasn’t fucking retarded like most of the other males in Ponyville, but I settled for asking if there were any brothers in the group that might be willing to give Spike some positive influence. ‘Max’ was on the list of possible role models, but since ‘Max’ was absent, it would have to wait until ‘he’ returned, though Twilight was pretty unsure about what ‘Max’ could do that Macintosh couldn’t, but she gave in when I argued that it would be best for Spike to have as many influences as possible. I had to be careful about how I set things up for myself, but it was only a little short term planning, and I could keep an eye on things for the next five days, just in case something goes screwy. It felt so odd that only two days had passed, seeing as how it felt like a week already.

Twilight and I got things squared away, so we went back inside to give Spike the good news. I told her that we would leave out the part about her thinking of him as a pet because that would just needlessly hurt Spike, and that was pretty much the exact opposite of what we were trying to do. Instead of bitching at me about how that was a lie by omission, Twilight went along with it like I had just told her the sky was blue, and I couldn’t help but feel a little irritated that, as Roxy, my words were taken correctly and some of the missteps I make to help people were ignored. Salt. Salt life as fuck.

I ignored my rising salinity levels and focused on finding Spike. Twilight and I each asked a few of the girls, but no one knew where he disappeared to. Of course I knew where Spike’s favorite nap spot was, but I couldn’t expose him in good faith. The guy had already gone a few years without Twilight’s dad to provide some guidance for him; a few more days wouldn’t hurt too much.

That pleasant little thought disappeared while I was in the loo. I was having a seat when a gout of green flame scared the shit of me, and a letter dropped on my lap. I opened it as one tends to do with letters and notes that are in an envelope and I was suddenly very happy that I had been in private when I had gotten it.

The note reads as follows: “Dear Max. Hey dude, it’s Spike. I know that it’s been awhile since we hung out, but I miss you. I never really thought about how much I liked having you around and after the thing with Rarity…”

He’d scratched through some words, making them illegible. He picked up a little further down the page. “I forgave you for throwing a rock at me, and I wasn’t ever really all that mad at you in the first place, but I was just so upset that I didn’t have a shot with Rarity, that I took it out on you, and that was unfair of me. You were just trying to help me out, but I had to meet someone to help me see that. I think you know Roxxie-” I looked at his note and scrunched my face up. That’s not how you spell it. “-already, but I don’t think you two got to spend much time together. I don’t really know her that well, but she kinda reminds me of you, but nicer.”

Spike had scribbled some more things out, making the page look like it was a classified document. I rolled my eyes and read on. “Look, I’m not good with words like Twilight, it’s just never been my thing. I just wanted to say… I don’t know. I guess I kinda look up to you. I mean, I don’t think you’re awesome like Rainbow, but you’re still cool, and you’re not smart like Twilight, but you’re still pretty knowledgeable about a lot of stuff. You just are who you are, and I admire that, dude. I wish I had the confidence to just be me, but I… I never feel like I’m good enough. It always feels like there’s somepony better than me, so I just feel so useless… But you… You always come out on top, dude. I just… I don’t know. Can we talk when you get back? I know you’re on business, so you must be busy, but I need to talk to a guy.”

Spike had blacked out another line and just ended his letter. My dragonfire was at my house, so I couldn’t very well send a message to him now, but I wanted to get a response to him as soon as possible. I finished up in the loo and excused myself from Twilight’s house. After a quick little walk back to my house, I got a note jotted down for Spike and sent it along with a letter explaining my plans to Celestia. She sent me back a confirmation and a picture of a smiley face which was code for her approving my actions, despite not having the time to give me actual praise. I didn’t see the smiley face often.

Since I didn’t have anything to do after I sent my notes, I went back to Twilight’s house to find that Rarity and Fluttershy were still there, though they left just as I came. I gave Rarity a hug when she passed, but Fluttershy dodged me entirely. I rather wished that she hadn’t done that, seeing as how it meant that I was going to have to have a touchy feely talk with her now, but at least it was another chance to do some good, at least. Optimism in the face of tedium never lasts long, and within the few minutes that it took for me to find Twilight, all of it was gone.

I sat and talked to Twilight for a while longer to see if she had put anymore thought into our plans for Spike. As it turned out, she did, and those plans involved me. Twilight wanted either myself or Applejack to supervise Spike’s time under Macintosh’s, Mr. Cake’s, or ‘Max’s’ care.

I fixed Twilight with a stern look. “That’s not going to work out, sweetie. I know you’d like to keep Spike under watch so you can keep him safe and see his progress, but the nature of what we’re doing just won’t allow for a female to be directly involved or to even really be around. Men find it easier to express themselves when they’re alone with each other. That’s when the cracks start to spread and you get to the good stuff.”

Twilight pursed her lips. “I don’t really know much about what guys do when they’re not around, so I’m kinda leaning on your expertise here, but I don’t even know where your information is coming from.”

I switched tactics and gave Twilight a reassuring smile. “It’s coming from my brother and my dad. Before I started developing, I spent most of my time with them, so in a way, I’m kinda split between the woman I know I should be and the man I spent my childhood being raised toward.”

Twilight’s heart went to her chest and she smiled. “That’s good to hear-”

“My mild identity crisis is good news?” I chuckled.

She blushed hard and waved her hands about. “T-That’s not what I meant!”

“I know, sweetie. I’m just messing with you. Please, continue.”

Twilight stuck her tongue out at me adorably. “As I was saying, I’m glad that you have experience in the field, though I didn’t think about the repercussions you’d be facing because of it. It must be hard, thinking like a stallion, yet being interested in them.”

I gave her an odd look. “Who said I was interested in men? I’m a lesbian.”

Twilight blushed brightly. “Oh.”

Things suddenly got awkward when Twilight decided for herself that I was going to jump her bones out of nowhere. Her body language closed off over the course of a few seconds, though I doubted she was even aware of it.

“Look, Twilight, just because I’m gay doesn’t mean that you have to be worried. You don’t give me the vibe, so I’m not exactly going to come after you if I know you aren’t interested.”

“N-No! That’s not it, it’s just that… Well…”

“Take your time, sweetie.” Fucking homophobe.

Twilight took a calming breath. “Thank you. It’s just that it's surprising is all. I know that Rarity and Applejack can tell from a glance, but I just have so much trouble, and I don’t want to offend ponies by making assumptions.”

I shrugged. “It doesn’t bother me at all, but you might just want to leave out any gender specifics if that’s what you’re worried about. Words like ‘them’ and ‘dude’ are pretty androgynous, so they’re safe if you don’t want to offend anyone.”

She smiled. “Thank you! That will make meeting new people a little easier!”

I nodded. “No problem. Should we get back on track now? We were talking about my experience in the field of men.”

“Right! I was just curious since you seemed to know so much, especially for not being one.”

I spread my hands. “There you have it. I don’t think having Applejack and I watch over Spike during his lessons is a good idea, but I would be glad to take him aside and go fishing with him or something. I don’t know what that would accomplish for him, but it was a pretty common bonding activity back in England.”

“That sounds kinda boring…” Twilight said.

“It is, but I don’t have any clothes for sports, and I don’t know enough people to get two teams together. What does Spike even like to do?”

“Well, he likes to read comics, nap, walk, spend time in his head…” Twilight thought for a little bit. “Beyond that, there isn’t much. Spike used to help Rarity out whenever she asked, but I don’t know if he liked doing any of the things she had him do.”

“I’m pretty sure that he helped her out because he had a crush on her.”

“Was it that obvious?”

“No, he told me that Max told him that Rarity wasn’t interested, so I just put the pieces together. I swear, Twilight. You need less attractive friends.” I grinned.

She tilted her head. “What do you mean by that?”

“I mean that Spike still has a bit of a crush on Rarity and that he has a new crush on me, I think.”

“Wait, what makes you think that Spike likes you?”

“Well, when he actually took the time to look me in the eye, his jaw dropped and he started blushing, so if that isn’t a sign, then I’ve been flying blind this entire time.”

“...It sounds so obvious when you say it like that. If that’s what a crush looks like, then I’ve seen it happen with Rarity once or twice. Or a few times.”

“I wouldn’t doubt it, sweetie.” I got up from the bed. “It’s been great talking with you, Twilight, but I need to go to sleep before I wear myself out.”

Twilight got up and gave me a hug. “Of course, you still haven’t been to sleep since before the slumber party, right?”

I hugged her back. “Actually, it’s probably been about two or three days since I’ve slept. I’m quite woozy at the moment”

“You know I can teleport you back home, right?”

I took a moment to think about that. “I don’t know if I’m okay with that, actually. I mean, I know magic is commonplace here, but it’s something I’ll have to have more experience with before I trust it.”

“Well, if you don’t trust magic, then you can trust me!” Twilight said, beaming. “I won’t let you down, Roxy and I’ll prove that magic is safe, in the right hands, that is.”

I sighed inwardly, but I wore a smile on my face. “Then let’s try it! Whenever you’re ready, Twilight!”

Her horn glowed, and one soft pop later, I was back in my living room.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

After catching up my journals and getting something to eat, I settled down on the couch with Lupa and soaked up the sweet, sweet silence. I had been bored enough earlier that I wanted nothing more than to talk to, but now, I wanted nothing more than what I had. A nice, quiet night with my overgrown dog. It was nice, not having to open my mouth to do anything other than sigh

I slept long and hard, only waking up after I had someone knock on the goddamn door for like, five minutes straight. I threw on a robe, didn’t bother with my hair, and went to go see who was trying to see me.

I opened the door and there stood someone buttery. “Hello, Fluttershy. Care to come in?”

“I-If you don’t mind.” She said with a little smile.

I stepped out of the way and claimed my easy chair as my own since thinking that someone was going to recognize me because of my seat choice is stupid. Once we got settled, I spoke first. “So what brings you over? I can’t imagine that I’m magnetically cute.”

Fluttershy blushed. “D-Don’t say that! You’re really cute!”

“Thank you Fluttershy, but if we were to stand next to each other holding up a sign that says ‘Available’, you’d get picked every time.” I told her with a grin.

“That’s not true!”

I shrugged. “You’re probably right. Different strokes for different folks and all that. Is my lack of self esteem why you’re here?”

She clasped her hands together. “W-Well, no… I wanted to talk about what happened at the slumber party…”

I figured as much. “Then let’s talk. I had fun.”

“S-So did I, it’s just that… Well, I was just wondering…”

I didn’t want to dig myself into a hole, so I waited patiently, but she never finished. “You were wondering…?” I asked.

Fluttershy took a deep breath. “I was wondering if you would mind doing it again sometime!” She whisper-shouted.

I blinked. “Are you asking me to be your friend with benefits?”

She lit up bright red. “W-W-Well…”

“Then yes. Sounds like fun to me.” I smiled at her. “Breath easy, sweetie, no need to stress.”

Fluttershy wiped her forehead with the back of her hand. “Right. Thank you Roxy!”

Better thank me, you limp tongued waffle. “Thank you, Fluttershy. I think I might be getting the best of of the deal here.”

“What do you mean?” She asked, befuddled.

“I mean you’re a perfect ten, and I’m like, a six on a particularly good day with makeup and a nice, skimpy dress. And some tissue in the bra, but I know A-cups that get around as B-cups just fine, and no one ever says anything to them.” I crossed my arms.

“Oh, you shouldn’t say such bad things about yourself! Is that what ponies say to you?”

“In England? Yeah, some people say that kinda stuff to me, but it’s not like it’s untrue. I look at myself realistically, sweetie. I know I’m not the best, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy being me. You think I’m getting down on myself, but I’m just keeping my ego in check since I don’t have my buddies around to knock me off my high horse.”

“...Your friends tear you down like that?”

I thought about it for a moment. Back in England, that was the case. My friends and I were constantly insulting each other in one way or another, granted that my sample size was small. Even the original Max and I had traded barbs just for the Hell of it when the night ran long.

“Well... Yeah.” I answered. “That’s just what friends did.”

“That’s terrible. How could you say things like that to ponies you like?”

“Because we know we don’t really mean it. It’s a bit of a social grace to be able to tell when someone’s messing with you.”

“But why insult each other at all? Why not just be nice?”

I shrugged and spread my hands. “That’s just not how Humans work, sweetie.”

Fluttershy shook her head. “It just doesn’t make any sense to me, but at least I know for sure that Max was telling the truth about your world.”

“Anything else you want to confirm?”

“W-Well, no, but I was wondering if you wanted to… Well…”

Fluttershy wasn’t any better the second time around, but c’est la vie and all that. We did spend a lot of time doing some very fun cuddling, however, and the shower was the first place she actually got me off, so yay! At seven, Fluttershy invited me to go with her to the spa the next day and I wanted nothing more than to say no, but the look she gave me while we were entwined in each other’s arms was hard to deny, so I was roped into doing some shit that I really didn’t feel like doing. On the bright side, Celestia had sent me a carefully worded note that told me she’d done what I’d asked, and that was a plus. With any luck, Spike wouldn’t go full retard and reply like I’d asked him not to, and with more luck, Rainbow would put together a tornado that only rips the town’s spa from the earth.

Fluttershy took her leave around sunset and Lupa went along with her, favoring the squishy one over the asshole. I wasn’t surprised, though I did wish that she’d at least said something instead of just walking away with Fluttershy. Fucking bitch. All alone, I caught my journals up, finished the Midnight Stroll book, and had some watered down wine. Unfortunately, I didn’t water it down enough, so I ended up in my bedroom instead of the guest room. It was an inconsequential mistake, but it bothered me a little that I slipped up.

My writing had gone on until about four in the morning, so waking up at seven pissed me off somewhat. I didn’t even wake up for any particular reason, just sat up in my bed and went to the guest room to laze around for a while longer. After an hour of faffing about, I showered, brushed the annoying mass of tangles that is my hair until it shone, and picked out a violet blouse and some denim capris. I looked and the mirror and wondered about the outfit, but couldn’t decide if I looked retarded or not. Fucking Christ, I was becoming more stereotypically feminine by the second.

I changed the shirt for a camisole and cardigan combo, and that was it. I kept the capris, and I didn’t even look through any more of my bags to see if I could find a better outfit because I considered myself above it. I was glad that I had passed the halfway mark at that point.

Once I was done with that psychotic episode, I went to go meet Fluttershy and Rarity so I could experience another. I wasn’t looking forward to the trip and was really just trying to get the day over with, but Rarity and Fluttershy wanted to make a day of it. I wasn’t complaining about that part as much as going to the spa in the first place. Either way, We met up at Rarity’s to go. They were waiting on me when I got there, so I was forced to wait while they poured me a cup of tea and filled me in on what they had been talking about. When they realized that I was just sipping tea and looking at them because I had no idea what the fuck they were on about, Rarity caught some sense and changed the topic.

“So, Roxy. Fluttershy tells me you’ve never been to the spa before!”

“Yep, that’s true. I guess I’ve never really felt the need to go.”

“Simply preposterous!” She exclaimed. “I’m so glad that Fluttershy and I could help you find the joys of being pampered!”

I couldn’t help but blanch. “Yeah, sounds great.”

Fluttershy sensed my reluctance. “Don’t worry, Roxy! My first time was a little scary, but I’ve enjoyed it ever since! Just relax and let the nice mares take care of you.”

I nodded, but I felt the points on my man card run out. It had taken so many hit, been through so much femininity, but it finally crapped out when it came to getting pampered. My eyes watered from the weight of losing years of work, from puberty to present, but I held them back bravely. I couldn’t let them see me suffer, I wouldn’t be so weak! I felt some rise up in my chest and my breasts felt firmer.

I had another point on my man card, and it was glowing brilliantly. My tears disappeared and I was back in action! Fluttershy and Rarity were just looking at me, still waiting for me to say something.

“Oh! Sorry girls, I was thinking about the spa. Let’s get a move on, shall we?” I said with a smile.

They bought it hook, line, and sinker, so we took care of our dishes and left. They clucked the entire way to the spa and I was expected to respond to something every so often. I made my interest seem genuine enough to get me by, but I was dreading the ordeal on the inside. When we got there, everything seemed very clean and strangely symmetrical, though you could see certain differences in taste, like how there was a tall, skinny tree on one side and a much smaller bonsai on a pedestal. I followed Fluttershy and Rarity closely and we were met by a pair of twins named Lotus and Aloe. Lotus was the turquoise one with a pink mane and Aloe was her exact opposite. They seemed nice enough, and I was somewhat relieved to learn that they would be taking care of us. I had expected there to be some burly, cheap rip off of the Russian guy from Rocky IV, but so far, he was nowhere to be seen. Lotus lead us to a changing room where we were to change into some robes that were provided. I stripped, though I waited to see if Fluttershy or Rarity were going to take the rest off. Both of them did, so I followed suit, struggling to hang on to that one last point. I was so far out of my comfort zone that I had to take a breath and relax, reminding myself that it would only bother me if I let it, so I tried to go back to my usual none-fuck-giving policy.

I failed.

With my robe secured and my heart unsteady, we followed Lotus from the changing room the massage table where there Aloe was waiting with a cheap rip off of the Russian guy from Rocky IV, but as a Pony. I stopped in my tracks and was nearly left behind until Rarity realized I wasn’t following.

“Roxy, darling, are you coming?”” She asked casually.

“Which one is mine?” I responded numbly.

Rarity and Fluttershy switched their attention to Lotus. “Well, I usually take Fluttershy and Aloe usually takes Rarity. Does Dolphin Leap make you uncomfortable, because I assure you, he is nothing but professional.”

I blinked a couple times. “I’m just wondering what caused me to be here at this exact moment, in this exact place. I’m wondering what choices I’ve made that have brought me to this particular point in my life. It’s like a rare moment of crystal clear clarity.”

Fluttershy traded a look with Rarity. “...Are you okay?”

“No, dying on the inside in ways you can’t imagine. Let’s stop stalling and have some fun, shall we?” I asked with a modest smile.

“You're acting strange Roxy, are you sure you’re fine? You don’t have to go through with this if you don’t want to.” Rarity said.

Well, she was right. I could bitch out and remain a man, or I could cost myself the only chance I would ever get to go to the spa with my friends. I hated the correct choice.

“Just some jitters, sweetie, nothing to worry about. Let’s get on with it, yeah?”

“If you say so dear. Just try to relax, I know you’ll love it!”

She was wrong of course, but I found the strength to keep up the facade, despite having a couple close calls. I felt like I was betraying who I was at the very core of my being by allowing strangers to do what they wanted to me while I was defenseless, and more than once during the massage, I nearly choked the guy massaging me. It happened so often, that he got spooked and asked to trade clients with Aloe during a break. If that isn’t why Aloe was suddenly my caretaker, then I don’t know what. I felt a little bad about being so defensive with the guy, but I was on a knife’s edge. I don’t know why the spa was the straw that broke the camel’s back, but it was and I was in panic mode during most of the visit, so I don’t remember all that much of it. After massage, I was comfortably numb to the ordeal, which made me wonder what that meant for my mental status. It was probably nothing good, but it had gotten me through the worst part of the day, so I can’t be all that upset about it, though it did mean that I didn’t ‘check back in’ until I was doing some clothes shopping with Rarity and Fluttershy. It felt as if I had been living underwater and that I had suddenly surfaced out of nowhere. I was rather disoriented, and ended up falling.

“Roxy! Are you okay?” Fluttershy asked, running to my side.

“Where the Hell are we?” I asked, looking around. I was calming down quickly, but I still didn’t really know how we had gotten here.

“We-We’re in Radiant Raiments, don’t you remember? We came here after we stopped by Sugarcube Corner, you got a strawberry milkshake-”

“What? I hate strawberries with a passion.” I replied, confused. It was true, I was never terribly fond of strawberries, so it made no sense.

Fluttershy gave me an odd look. “...You said it was your favorite.”

I just looked at her for another moment. “I might just be going insane. Give me a hand up, will you?”

Fluttershy helped me get to my feet and Rarity joined us. “What happened? Is everypony okay?”

“I just had a dizzy spell is all. Nothing to be worried about.”

“That’s not what you said! You said you didn’t remember Sugarcube corner!” Fluttershy said indignantly.

“I’m fine, love, really I am. I’m just a bit worn out. Maybe we could find somewhere to rest for a bit?”

Fluttershy narrowed her eyes. “I’ve never heard you say ‘love’ before.” Well shit

I shook my head. “You’ve only known me four days, Fluttershy. I used to say ‘love’ until here recently.”

She didn’t seem to be appeased quite yet, but she shut up anyways, so that was nice. We ended up going to Rarity’s house since it was closest, and once we sat down around her kitchen table, she prepared some tea that I gratefully accepted with a shaky hand.

“So really, Roxy, what’s going on?” Rarity asked when she sat down.

“I just… I kinda ‘woke up’ in Radiant Raiments.” I said. “It was like I was in a dream until then.”

“...Darling, what’s the last thing you remember?”

“...When that Dolphin Leap guy traded with Aloe?” I offered meekly.

“Roxy, that was almost four hours ago.” Fluttershy said in hushed tones.

“Well, isn’t that just lovely. I can be me while asleep on my feet. Handy skill, right?” I tried smiling, but I was deeply disturbed. I think the spa broke me for a little bit.

They looked at each other briefly. When they turned back to me, Rarity said, “I think we should have Twilight have a look at you.”

“I think you should go to a hospital, Roxy, what if it’s serious!?” Fluttershy gasped.

I pursed my lips and looked at them. “It was just a little breakdown, seriously. I’ll be okay, it was just certain stimulus that triggered it.”

“What could have caused you to black out, but keep walking for four hours?” Rarity asked incredulously. “Is there a certain trigger or something?”

“I think I’ve read about something like this in one of Twilight’s medical books before!” She turned to Rarity. “Do you remember when Mr. Foxy nearly got eaten, but couldn’t remember anything about it?”

Rarity looked at her blankly. “Of course, darling.”

“I think Roxy might be experiencing the same thing, but what could have been that scary?” Fluttershy pondered.

Rarity lifted a finger to her chin. “Why, the only thing I can think of is when… Roxy started acting strange before the massage.” She turned her attention toward me and I gave her an unsure grin. “Roxy… Did the spa cause this?”

“Okay, so I may have been a little modest about how I feel towards the spa.” I pinched my fingers together and left the tiniest bit of space between them.

Fluttershy’s hand went to her mouth. “Oh my gosh, Roxy, I’m so sorry! I-I knew you didn’t really want to -I still pushed you!”

“It’s alright, I’m fine. I’m sure it wasn’t that bad, and if it got me this far, why are we complaining? I was acting normal up until the store, so I don’t think it’s really that much of a problem.”

Rarity came over and put a hand on my shoulder. “Are you sure you’re alright darling? Is there anything we can do?”

“I’m just a little startled, I’ll be fine as long as you two keep me company for a while longer.” I said with a weak smile. I actually wanted to be left alone so I could go to sleep, but I could suffer through some conversation for a good cup of tea.

I tried Raritea and it was pretty good. After adding a dollop of cream, it was even better, though Rarity and Fluttershy had never heard of the practice. I offered to let them each taste my cup and they found it to their liking, so they did the same to their own. From what I could see on an average Equestrian map, Equestria and it’s neighbor Gryphonia formed a continent that looked an awful lot like Northern America, so it didn’t surprise me that the analogues of Americans didn’t know how to enjoy good black tea.

We chatted for an hour and I eventually got the tremors to cease their nonsense, but Rarity and Fluttershy weren’t done with me yet. Rarity moved us into her living room and showed off a few of her newest creations. I tried using my heightened perception to notice things that I could compliment, but I only succeeded on every other dress, but I did compliment them as honestly as I could if that was any consolation. Still, I couldn’t wait to leave, but as I tried to take my leave with Fluttershy, Rarity held me back.

“Roxy, May I speak to you for a moment?” She asked informally.

“Of course, Rarity. What do you need?”

“Do you mind if we took this to my room? It won’t be long, but I’d like a little privacy.”

I withheld my desire to look around the shop. We were the only ones there. “Lead the way.”

I followed Rarity to her room, which was clean and orderly. It was also rather large, extravagant, and from the looks of the massive vanity in the corner, a little decadent. She had a seat on her bed and I followed soon after.

Once we were both comfy, Rarity said, “The reason I’ve asked you here is because I know that it’s most likely been a very difficult transition, and I wanted you to know that I’m here for you. All of us are here for you, Roxy.”

“Thank you Rarity. I can’t say it's been easy, coming to an alien world, but it’s been an experience like no other, and I’m grateful for that. I won’t forget the days I’ve spent here any time soon, but I don’t know how I could ever tell anyone about it! People would think I’m utterly insane!”

“That does sound like quite the burden, but… Are you sure, Roxy? Are you sure you want to go back?” She asked cautiously.

Well that was unexpected. “What do you mean, Rarity?”

“Well, it’s just that I believe we’ve become friends over the time you’ve spent here, and I know you’ve got another home to go to, but…” Rarity started to tear up. I hadn’t been expecting this. “I don’t know why Max chose to stay, but I was rather hoping you found the same reason.”

“Rarity, sweetie, I’ve loved my time here so much, and I’ll enjoy every moment of it while I’m here, but I want to go home sometime. I want to see my old friends, even if they weren’t that great. I want to walk down my street and see my neighbors, and I miss the shakes from the shop down the street, and the way the supermarket smells. I want to see my parents and my brother again,” My voice cracked, but I didn’t do it on purpose. “I miss my home, Rarity. I might be welcome here, but I don’t belong here.”

She leaped over the bed and hugged me tightly. “Oh darling, I never knew you carried such a terrible burden! You poor thing, you must be struggling so hard, but I haven’t seen it until today! Oh Roxy, I’m so sorry!”

I hugged her back and calmed down a bit. I’d hit too close to home.. “Don’t worry, Rarity. I’m a tough one, and with you girls, I know I can take it.” I grabbed her arms and pulled back a little, though I didn’t leave much space between us for dramatic effect. “Being with you girls makes me happier than I’ve been in a long time, and I know that as long as I keep my memories of you, I’ll be happy back home too.”

Rarity lost her composure and embraced me in a teary hug once more and I rolled my eyes. That had been sappy as fuck, but it had created a fond memory for Rarity, so I couldn’t be too upset. I did feel guilty about ripping Roxy out of their lives, but I guess they would get over it. I left from Rarity’s and got back home without having a mental lapse. Lupa was asleep on the couch, so I caught my journals up and joined her in dreamland shortly after.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next morning, I awoke to find a note from Luna, telling me to contact her if I ever wanted to get started on helping her with dreams. She even offered to pay me a commission for every night I helped her, so I responded, telling her that I would be up for some lessons when my punishment was over. I got up, did my new morning routine and fed Lupa and myself. From there I plopped down in my easy chair and waited for nothing to happen. It was a constant battle since nothing was constantly happening, meaning that I wasn’t waiting anymore, but when nothing came, I did nothing so nothing happened, which was exactly what I was waiting for.

Do you see the issue here?

While I was entertaining myself in the most family friendly way I knew possible, some one was at my door. When I opened said door, I found Gilda the Gryphon.

“What’s up, Gilda?” I asked.

“Not much, just bored. I saw you come here the other day and I figured this was where you lived.”

“Yeah, that’s not super creepy or anything. Not at all.”

“Just shut up, will ya? I gotta go to this stupid party thing and Rainbow Dash hasn’t showed up yet. You’re the third coolest thing in town, so I figured you wouldn’t making some lames look lamer with me.”

“Bitch, I’m the coolest thing on this side of the planet, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I smirked. “Lupa! We’re leaving.”

Lupa huffed and trotted to meet us at the door. Our little trio of predators made its way into town and it gave me plenty of time to remember just why I didn’t like Gilda. I Was hoping that whatever this party business was, that it would get her to chill out with her primary school bully schtick. It was old when I’d met her, and it was ancient now, but I still walked along with her because I wanted to see what kind of bullshit she was planning on pulling.

Apparently, Gilda had walked me straight into a party. A Pinkie Party. I groaned when I saw the decorations and Lupa deserted me posthaste, but I quickly put a brave face on when Pinkie herself approached me.

“Hi Roxy, Hi Gilda!” She said brightly. “I’m so glad you could make it!”

“Hello Pinkie. Nice party.” I said.

Gilda tsked and I cut her a glare. “So Pinkie. What’s the occasion?”

“We’re welcoming Gilda to Ponyville!”

“That’s nice of you, sweetie. Who all is here?” I asked.

“Well, out of our immediate friends, Fluttershy and R-”

A blue blur came in from the other room. “Hey! Gilda, Roxy! Glad you guys found the time to show up!” Rainbow Dash said, crossing her arms.

“Chill out, Rainbow, it’s cool to show up late.” Gilda preened.

“I didn’t know there was a party, so…” I trailed off.

“Whatever, it’s all good. Why don’t you guys go around and have some fun?” Rainbow said with a snicker. No one else seemed to notice.

“Yeah! Make yourselves at home!” Pinkie added.

I wandered around with Gilda for a moment, but saw Fluttershy and Twilight waving at me from across the room while scanning for more friends. I ditched Gilda so she could get some vanilla lemon drops and said hi.

“R-Roxy, why are you hanging out with… Her?” Fluttershy asked nervously.

“Well, at the moment, I really just wanted to see what she was going to do. I’ll handle her if she gets out of line or anything, so don’t fret for a moment.”

“...What do you mean by ‘handle’? Twilight asked cautiously.

“I mean I’ll talk her down, see if I can get her to leave or something. Why do you ask?”

“Well, whenever Max says that he’ll handle something…” Twilight began.

“I-It’s pretty much a fifty fifty shot on whether or not he’ll make things worse.”

“Seventy five, twenty five.” Twilight corrected. That almost hurt my feelings.

We were interrupted by Gilda shouting about her mouth being on fire, and that was just the beginning. I went back to her side, though Twilight and Fluttershy opted to find a wall and stick near it. While I was with Gilda, things got fucking great. Immediately after the hot lemon drop, she got hit with the old dribble glass prank. Rainbow had a laugh while Gilda went to go find something she could actually drink. After that, she opened a present that contained the springy little snakes that pop out at you, and she didn’t look terribly amused. Before she could slow down, she got hit with two more minor pranks that she took way too seriously.

The party continued on for a little bit and it seemed like Gilda was in the clear. I was getting bored of her being mean to people because she could be, but no one had felt the need to retaliate in the slightest, so I was happy enough to let people think she was a twat. She toned it down when Rainbow was around, but the second the technicolor pegasus was off to go do something else, she was right back at it. I wondered if Fluttershy was just scared of her because of her reputation, or if Gilda had actually done something to her. If it was the latter, then I would warm up my bitch smackin’ hand.

Unfortunately, the party went south for Gilda quite quickly. She got hit with just about every trick in the book from relighting candles to the old whoopie cushion. I’d given up following her around for my chuckles and started hanging further back, watching Gilda just generally be a twat to everyone. How Rainbow Dash was actually friends with her, I’ll never know, but I suppose bullies always have that one cool person they stick around so that people don’t immediately hate them. It wasn’t working very well for Gilda since she was really just making a fool of herself.

I kept a close eye on her and made sure to keep myself between Twilight, Fluttershy, and Gilda. I’d noticed that Applejack was hovering near Rarity and Rainbow, doing the same thing I was doing. She noticed me noticing her and we gave each other a curt nod before turning our gazes back to Gilda who looked like she was ready to rip someone’s head off. I decided to forego that tragic accident and stepped in to have a word with her.

“Oi! Gilda, you okay, sweetie?” I asked once I got to a decent distance.

“No! These stupid ponies and their hatchling pranks are pissing me off!” She shouted. Bitch was mad for no real reason.

“Take it easy! Just a bunch of harmless, childish pranks, mate. That’s all there is to it. I bet if you sit back and let someone else do something first, you’ll see them get pranked. You’ve just been extremely unlucky so far.” She’d actually just been a childish twat, but who was I to tell her that?

Gilda took a breath and huffed. “Yeah, well, I guess dude.”

“Right? Sit back, chill out, and let’s just enjoy some half decent shit that’s unnecessarily sweet.” I reasoned.

“I was meaning to ask about that. Why is everything here so sweet? I can barely even get something to eat in town, I have to go hunt all the time!”

Nearby chatter stopped and Gilda gathered stares from just about every Pony there. I performed a quick sweep and saw that Twilight and Applejack were already on their way to help if need be, so I focused on downplaying the hunting thing.

“Yeah, trying to find the right thing is pretty crucial for picky eaters. I know Ponyville doesn’t have much of a selection, but I’m sure you’ve found something.” I said a little more loudly than the conversation needed. Gilda picked up on it, but she didn’t realize what I was trying to say, so I leaned in and whispered, “The Ponies here will be terrified of you if they know you’re a predator, and I don’t know if Dash is cool with that either. Just keep it low-key for now so you don’t freak them out”

Gilda scoffed, but she did what I asked for the most part. I took her around the party and introduced her to some of my friends in hopes that their general cheery bullshit would help assuage her rage, but my plan did not work out at all. I took her to Applejack first because I knew the farmgirl had a thicker skin than anyone else, but I didn’t really account for her severe dislike for Gilda already. I was later told that Gilda had indeed made Fluttershy cry earlier, but that fact was known by all the girls at this point. I got no help from Applejack and nearly had to step between them before a fight started. I knew that Gilda respected me, but it wasn’t going to last long on just words alone much longer, if the current situation was anything to go by. I decided that Applejack could use some time to cool down, so I steered Gilda over to Twilight. Fluttershy had been sticking closeby up until Gilda and I started approaching them, and once she saw us making a beeline towards herself and Twilight, she was quick to extricate herself from the situation and disappear into the crowd. I’d thought that was quite odd at the time, but never paid that much attention to it.

I should have done. What Gilda and I said to each other really doesn’t bear repeating, but I would like it to be known that she insulted Twilight five times before I let loose. One can only allow another to go so far before they get too prickly too close to home, and Gilda had done just that. Rainbow Dash came in to see what was going on about halfway in and was wearing a pretty intense frown by the end of it. When Gilda got ready to storm off, she tried to take Rainbow with her, but Rainbow told her off. It was sappy as fuck, but it was also cute in a gross way. Gilda left after Rainbow Dash bravely defended her friends from the bully and the party continued. Twilight apologized to Pinkie for something and I got hugs from all the girls for yelling at Gilda for a little bit, so that was nice.

The party ended and I helped Pinkie and the rest of the girls clean up the aftermath. There had been plenty to do, but between the seven of us, it didn’t take long, and we even had a few holdovers from town that helped out too, so we got done pretty quickly, leaving plenty of time in the day to find something else to do. It was already day five, so I wanted to see if I could branch out a little and get closer to Pinkie, Rainbow, and Applejack since I hadn’t been able to get to them one on one. As it turned out, Applejack wanted to talk to me too and did so after the party while accompanying Rainbow Dash. Two birds, one stone.

I saw them approaching me, so I set the broom I had been using down. “Wotcher, girls. What’s up?”

“Howdy Roxy. How’d ya like the party?” Applejack asked.

“It could have gone a bit smoother, but it was a good one. I’m still not terribly fond of parties, though.” I said evenly

“Well, parties might not be your scene, but I’m glad you came! If I’d known Gilda was such a jerk, I never would have brought her around.” Rainbow huffed.

“Take it easy, Rainbow, you don’t know what that girl’s story is. There’s something that made her the way she is, and you should take that into consideration.” I reasoned.

“I don’t think you were too focused on ‘takin’ it into consideration’ when ya let loose on her!” Applejack chuckled. “Woo! The last time I heard a shoutin’ match like that, Max was ready to swing!”

“Dude, Max and Roxy get mad in the same way! Their accents get really thick and they get reeeeally loud.” Rainbow Dash stated.

“Hardy har har. I’m not exactly thrilled about losing my cool there, girls.”

Applejack patted my shoulder. “I thought so. It just means you’re ready when push comes to shove, sugarcube.”

I nodded. “That’s right, but it doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it. What if I’d hurt Gilda or something?”

Rainbow scoffed. “It would take a lot to leave a mark on Gilda. I’ve only beat her a few times when we wrestled, and I’m pretty sure she let me win at least twice.”

“How many times have you won?” I asked.

“I don't think that’s the important part here!” She said quickly. “What’s really important is that you stood up for Twilight and showed me that I shouldn’t assume that the ponies I was friends with in school are the same ponies now!”

“Right, wrap it up in a nice little Aesop.” I gave her a smile.

“I don’t know what that is, but sure!” Rainbow responded.

I looked around and saw that the girls were getting the last of the streamers taken down, and that was about it for clean up. “Hey, do you two wanna grab a drink after this? I’ve spent so much time with Fluttershy, Rarity and Twilight, but I haven’t gotten to know you girls or Pinkie very much.”

“I’m game!” Rainbow said excitedly.

“Count me in, too. Wanna go grab Pinkie and see if she wants to come?” Applejack asked.

“...How well does she handle alcohol?” I asked tentatively.

“Bout as well as Rainbow to be honest with ya, and Rainbow’s done after a few mugs of hard cider.” Applejack said, giving Rainbow the side eye.

“How many times do I have to apologize for your couch!?” Rainbow exclaimed.

“Until I forget about it!”

I chuckled. “You’ll have to tell me that story when we get to the pub. Let’s grab Pinkie and get a move on, yeah?”

We added Pinkie to our merry little band and bid Twilight, Fluttershy, and Rarity goodnight. I’d asked if any of them wanted to go for a few rounds, but Twilight wanted to review the plans for Spike one more time before she put it into action, Rarity didn’t like pubs, and we’d have to drag Fluttershy back home by her tail, so we couldn’t do too much there. I guess it was the perfect activity to get the people I hadn’t talked to in one place.

Since I wasn’t trying to get laid this time, I actually had a chance to sit down and talk with Applejack while Pinkie and Rainbow went off to go get creamed in billiards. Applejack and I spoke on just about everything ranging from family to responsibility to personal tastes in significant others. I had gotten deep with Applejack before, but I had never seen the side of her that she was presenting over a mug of iffy beer. Again, I was a little perturbed that all it had taken to get closer to my friends was having a vagina, but I wrote it off as ‘Roxy’ and ‘Max’ just being too different for me to expect them to be treated the same. I could have read deeper into it, but I’m not one to go looking for something to be upset about, even if I was slowly conforming to stupid stereotypes.

I tried having a meaningful conversation with Rainbow, but she was too much of a lightweight, and by the time I had wrapped things up with Applejack, Rainbow was ready to be thrown in bed, which only left Pinkie.

Never try to talk to Pinkie.

When we left, Pinkie was barely ambulatory and Rainbow was a little too drunk for walking, so Applejack gave her a piggyback ride and threatened to brand Rainbow if she puked on her. When Pinkie stumbled one too many times, I offered her the same punishment before carrying her off to Sugarcube Corner. Applejack and I had decided that we would move in a group so we could talk a little longer.

We dropped Pinkie off first since she actually lived in town, so we ended up carrying Rainbow back to Sweet Apple Acres, switching every so often so neither of us was bearing the load while the other fucked off. In all honesty, Applejack could have carried Pinkie and Rainbow to wherever the fuck she felt like, but I guess she was taking it easy for the time being. Once we arrived at Applejack’s house, she invited me in and we continued our little party of two until dawn came. It had been some time since I drank until the Sun rose, but I was glad that I had done it with Applejack. She was my best friend for a reason, after all.

Applejack had the day off, so instead of checking in now, she stayed up with me and we sipped cider on the front porch until the Sun was well and truly up. We’d talked the entire time, but it was different from the conversations at the slumber party. I guess I was feeling more receptive now, but either way, spending time with Applejack was always a worthwhile venture.

I was going to leave around eight, but Applejack wanted to hang out some more, so I stuck around while she got her morning ritual done. After she was fresh and ready to tackle her day, we went back to my house and I did the same. I had Applejack walk me around town because why not, and we talked some more then too. It was getting easier to understand how women talked all the time, but I still couldn’t understand how they remembered all the nitty gritty details. Shit just didn’t make sense to me.

Once I got my outfit for the day picked out (a royal blue button up and some jeans), We took a stroll around Ponyville and saw some periwinkle mare with an off white mane putting up posters on just about every available space. Two of the town’s young men were following her around, practically dogging her heels, which I found to be both distasteful and desperate. I mean, Hell, it’s not like the woman was as pretty or Rarity or Fluttershy, and they were acting like she was the only action in town. I pondered for a moment if I might be envious, but then I realized that I was just projecting more stereotypes, so I knocked my shit off and told Applejack what I thought about the two dudes practically stalking the poor woman. She let me know that it was a pretty common thing for the younger stallions and mares to become enamoured with people from outside of town. I asked why I didn’t have any followers, but Applejack didn’t really have an explanation. I, however, knew that it was because I wasn’t a Pony. Seriously, this small town was already racist as fuck and just about as sexist half the time.

Those were thoughts that I did not share with Applejack, which is probably why we kept hanging out. It was noon by the time we’d made our third circuit around town, and we both desired a change of scenery and some refreshments, so we stopped by the liquor store and looked around for something that sounded good. I found something called ‘The Local Special’ that had a tiny snake swimming around in the jar. Applejack told me a little bit of the history behind the Local Special, stating that it was a long standing tradition for the patriarch of the Apple Family to make it. Applejack may have known how to make it, but she wasn’t going to tell me any time soon, though she did explain how to make her namesake should I ever be in need of a drink and only have apples on hand.

I ended up going with the snake-shine, so Applejack got to pick whether or not we’d drink it straight or make something from it. I wasn’t exactly a bartender, so my first suggestion was screwdrivers. It was a pretty tame first choice, but Applejack had something else in mind. We went back into the liquor store after her little epiphany and the woman at the counter, a certain Berry Punch, lead us into the back of her shop when Applejack knocked six times in a peculiar pattern on her counter. Once we were in the back, it was like AA Hell. Or a drunk’s heaven, whichever you like. Either way, there were shelves upon shelves of booze, and my mouth watered as I passed some of the various wines that were not on display outside. There were things that made no sense that I wanted to try, like passion fruit bourbon and dark chocolate light beer, but we weren’t here for any of the things I happened to glance at. No, Berry Punch and Applejack knew exactly where we were going.

Thinking back on it, the liquor store wasn’t large enough to hold everything within the back doors. In fact, there was no way that this place complied with the laws of physics, and had I noticed that earlier, my expectations would have probably been much closer to the actual result. In any case, we three drunks came to a rather intimidating metal door after a little bit and Berry Punch pulled out a key. Wordlessly, she went in alone and came out with a bag that seemed to be leather that was a bit larger than my hand. The leather was kinda creepy since I knew that the ponies detested hurting other living creatures, so I was paying close attention when Berry Punch passed the bottle over to Applejack. The clerk turned gatekeeper made her way back to the front of the shop with us trailing behind, and I dropped way too much cash on the one tiny bottle.

My shekels. My poor shekels. I might be rich, but that doesn’t mean I’m a fucking Saudi Arabian or something. I’m not going to just go and blow money because I felt like it, and the only reason I did this time is because Applejack vouched for it, and it wasn’t supposed to be my money anyways. Still, my mind was spitting some dark things while my face was a mask, covering my fiscal pain.

I thought it was funny that my general frugality had remained unchanged, but I was still mortified.

During my bout of pouting, I had suggested that we go back to ‘Max’s house’ to enjoy our purchase, and Applejack lead the way. She wouldn’t let me see what was in the bag the entire way there, so I figured that she’d wanted it to be a surprise. I don’t like surprises. They piss me off. In any case, I had to be patient during the trip, so I filled the gaps in my soul with some more conversation. I tried to weasel some information out of Applejack about what was in the bag, but she was like a steel trap, only smiling when she started to answer with pertinent information. I had to give her credit, though. Few enough of the ponies could withhold information from me if I was willing to put forth some effort, though I was restricted to indirect, polite methods instead of the moderate tactics I usually used. However, I doubt that I would have been able to get anything from Applejack anyways. She wasn’t easily intimidated, she was stronger than me, and the only thing I could think of that would work against her would be seduction or telekinesis, neither of which I thought were terribly fair.

I was busy with thinking of ways to crack an Apple when we arrived at my place. Lupa was nowhere to be seen, so I assumed that she was at Fluttershy’s, which meant that Applejack and I had the house to ourselves. She knew where I kept my crystal, so Applejack grabbed a couple of tumblers and some ice, then lead me to my back porch. I had a seat on the swing because I was quite fond of it, so Applejack joined me.

“So, sugarcube. Are ya ready for the surprise?” She asked coyly.

“I’ve been ready since Berry Punch opened the door to the back! Show me what we’re working with, sister!”

Applejack slowly opened the bag and revealed a decanter full of what appeared to be a liquid rainbow. The bottle itself was a lightning bolt with an apple stem on the top, and the label was walking a fine line between simple and ornate. The decals were of various kinds of fruit trees, which was simple enough, but upon closer inspection, you could make out every detail of the leaves and the bark of the wood, and the most detailed tree was the one at the top of the circular label. It bore a singular rainbow striped apple that looked somewhere between poisonous and delicious. I wasn’t in the mood to die again, especially at Applejack’s hands, but I still gave her a smile.

“What’s this called?” I asked.

“It’s called Zap Applejack. This is somethin’ that only the matriarch of the Apple Family can make. Right now, Granny Smith is the only one who can make it, but I’m next in line!” She grinned. “I wanted to share this with you because I don’t think any of the other girls can handle it. You’ve been keepin’ pace with me all night, so I think you should be good.” Her voice had taken on a bit of an odd inflection and her eyes wouldn’t meet mine, but I trusted Applejack enough that I was sure to be fine.

“Pour us some already! I can’t wait to try your Grandma’s special reserve!”

Applejack poured mine first, then hers. We made a toast to friendship, and, oddly enough, honesty, which I thought was a bit of an oddity until I remembered that it was Applejack’s Element. I sipped my drink slowly, and once it touched my tongue, I couldn’t help but smile. It was a nice, smooth liquor that went down very easily, and it tasted like every apple I’d ever had and then some, but it wasn’t terribly specific about any of the flavors. I caught different notes of different things here and there, but I figured that a Pony would be able to appreciate its flavor better than I could due to my status as an omnivore.

“This stuff might be a little dangerous, Applejack. What’s the proof on this?” I asked with a grin.

The fake modesty in her body language was obvious. “Oh, you know. It ain’t nothin’ too impressive.”

“Applejack~” I sang. I hadn’t intended on doing that.

“It might be a little up there.” She said with a sly grin. “How does one-ninety-two sound to you?”

“...Isn’t the highest alcohol can go one ninety?”

“You’ve never had Zap Apple Jack. The Zap Apples make it taste good and go down easy, so it’s perfect for a casual drink, but it’s even better if you want to get to where you’re goin’ quickly without the hangover that comes with rotgut.”

“...We’re going to finish the bottle, aren’t we?”

“Oh yeah. No doubt.”

Applejack and I traded a look before downing the contents of our glasses.

“Is it my turn to pour?” I asked.

Applejack gestured for me to go ahead, so I did. From the two shots that I’d had, I was already beginning to feel the effects, though it was different from what usually came along with alcohol for me. I passed her glass back to her and held my own for a moment.

“Say, Applejack, you’ve had this before, right?”

“Only once, and I got in plenty of trouble for sneakin’ it.” She said with a chuckle. “I think I already told ya the story about how Big Mac and I snuck into Granny’s liquor cabinet and got caught, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, you did! You said it was ‘a hide tannin’ that I’ll never forget! I was just asking because it feels a bit strange is all.”

Applejack quickly averted her gaze. “Yeah, that’s normal! It’s just the Zap Apples workin’ their magic!”

That was suspicious as Hell, but I still believed that Applejack wouldn’t steer me wrong. “Good, for a second I thought I might be getting poisoned or something!” I grinned.

Applejack sipped her drink. “I wouldn’t poison nopony!”

“You say that now, but I’m just waiting for you to give someone a certain apple that makes them fall into a deep sleep.” Damn, I should have kept the blue vial.

“Again, I wouldn’t do that to somepony!” She shook her head, smiling.

I gave her some more hell, but I stopped before I started getting irritating. Once I’d shut up and finished my second glass, Applejack started bombarding me with questions.

“Hey Roxy, where did you say you were from again?”

I had to check my memory for a split second. “Liverpool. It’s a larger town in England, but it still has a small town kinda vibe in certain spots.”

My tongue felt weird and my head started to ache slightly, so I waved Applejack off when she tried to pour me a third glass.

“What’s wrong, sugarcube. Can’t handle your liquor?” She asked teasingly.

“No, just feeling a bit out of it all of a sudden.” I replied, feeling my forehead.

“Do you mind if I ask a few more questions, then?”

“No, not really. Fire away.” I answered immediately.

“Alright. So what was it like, bein’ with Fluttershy? I know y’all had to hook up sometime.”

Before I could censor myself, I started blurting things out. “Fluttershy’s not the best I’ve ever had, but she tries, so I can’t be upset. I’ve actually spent some quality time with her twice now, though the only time she actually got me off was in the shower. I can’t say I’m satisfied with what’s gone on so far, but I think she’ll be more fun if we get her some more experience.” My hand slowly rose to cover my mouth. I hadn’t intended on saying any of that.

Applejack lifted her brows. “Uh huh. I’m just gonna keep that little tidbit to myself, if ya don’t mind.”

“Yeah, please do. That’s not something I wanted anyone to know.” I said, stunned.

“I guess alcohol brings out the honesty in everypony.” She chuckled awkwardly.

“Applejack, are there any extra effects that I should be aware of?” I asked cautiously.

“Nope, not really.” She said too quickly.

“Applejack. Please don’t lie to me.” I said softly.

“Well, there might be one little thing. I’ll tell ya if I can ask you two more questions.”

I mulled it over and bit my lip. “Fine, but I’m not exactly happy with you right now.”

Applejack tipped her hat to me. “Sorry about that, but I don’t think it’ll really matter too much if you’ve been honest with us.”

Fucking shit. I avoided squaring my jaw and tried to keep myself under control. “Ask your questions.” I said evenly.

Applejack pursed her lips. “Fine. The first one is if you know where Max-”

“I don’t know where he is.” I spat before she could finish her question. My head pounded and I blinked back tears.

“Now don’t you lie to me, Roxy. I know you’ve been hidin’ somethin’ from us, and I intend on finding it out!” She said back with steel in her voice.

“This is so underhanded, Applejack. I’ve never been so disappointed in you!” I snarled.

“You’ve only known me six days, Roxy. Unless there’s somethin’ you wanna say?”

I clenched my mouth shut and trembled. Applejack was going to fuck everything I had worked towards up til now, and for what? I hadn’t been mean or nasty to anyone besides Gilda, and she’d deserved it plenty.

“Why are you doing this?” I said through clenched teeth. “I thought we were friends!”

“We are, sugarcube, and I know it hurts right now, but you can’t sit there and tell me that you’ve been honest with everypony anyways!”

“I’m lying to protect you right now, Applejack! If you uncover the truth, you’ll hurt the girls more than you’ll ever hurt me! Please don’t do this!” I pleaded. I hoped that the desperation of the meek would save me, but I was wrong.

“I’m sorry, Roxy, but this is just how its gotta be. Where is Max?”

“He’s- Max is here” I said. The pounding in my head lessened and I could breathe a bit more easily.

Applejack set her jaw and glared at me. “What.”

“Max will be back the day after tomorrow!” I said quickly. “He’s perfectly fine!”

I stared her in the eyes as I said it, and nothing happened.The headache went away completely and now Applejack was just staring at me, confused.

“If he’s here and he’s fine, then why ain’t he around?”

“He is, you just haven’t seen him.” It's not really a lie, so I guess I'm good

“What do you mean by that?” She asked.

“I mean that Max is okay, and that I won’t do anything to hurt the girls! Cross my heart and hope to die, just stop asking questions!”

Applejack stared at me and pursed her lips. After a loaded silence, she said, “Fine, but I got one more. Answer that, and you can be as mad as ya want.”

“How about I don’t answer it and just not be mad? I’m still willing to forgive you if you stop now, Applejack. It’s not too late!” I tried.

“You might be willin’ to forgive me now, but that don’t mean nothin’ when it comes to lyin’ to my friends. Our friends.” She scoffed. “Who are you, Roxy? Who are you really?”

My mouth opened and I forced it back down with a wet click. Then I noticed that I wasn’t tasting as much as I used to.

I had bitten my fucking tongue off.

I spat the tip of my tongue out into my hand along with no small amount of blood. I kinda just sat and stared at it for a moment before I started to feel faint. I stood up slowly and spat the blood that had pooled in my mouth onto the shoe of a horrified Applejack before heading inside to put my tongue on ice and head to the hospital. After a minute fumbling around with the ice tray, Applejack came in and helped me without a word. Once we had my tongue properly chilled, we made the journey to the hospital as quick as I could and got someone to stick my tongue back on with magic.

I stayed in the hospital for three more hours so the nurses could monitor how my tongue was taking to the magic, but due to my healing factor and good care, I had been ready to leave after the first hour. I was pretty keen to get going since Applejack had taken up the seat next to my hospital bed. I was plenty pissed at her, and she knew it., though Applejack was still upset with me. It took a lot not to break something off of her with my telekinesis, but that would have been justified and whatever son of a bitch writes my life doesn’t like to let me have nice things, so I stayed my hand.

It was a very quiet three hours at the hospital, and when I was discharged, I left without a word to Applejack, though she was still following me around. I made my first stop the hardware store where I picked up the heaviest thing that would fit in my hand and threw it at her, smacking her dead in the forehead. While Applejack was busy dealing with the minor concussion I had probably given her, I fucked off and went to Fluttershy’s because of the calming effect just being at her house usually had on me.

Luckily, Fluttershy was home, and once she got some tea ready, she asked, “What brings you over, Roxy?”

“I had a figh wif Appleyack.” I said. The doctor had told me that it would take a normal person about three more days to get the full use of their tongue back, so I figured I only had a few more hours.

“Oh no! What did you two fight about?” Fluttershy asked, concerned.

I sighed. “Appleyack doughd I wath-” I rolled my eyes at how retarded I sounded, so I asked for a pen and some paper. After Fluttershy brought it out, I was careful to change up my handwriting and wrote, “Applejack thinks I’ve been lying to you girls. Honestly? I have, but it would never affect you in any way shape or form, so I don’t think it’s a big deal. I’m not hiding anything about my character, just about where I’m from and minor stuff like that, but that’s just because I’m paranoid about those kinds of things. I would never hurt you girls, I promise you that.”

Fluttershy read what I had wrote and gave me a worried look. “I trust you, but that worries me, Roxy.”

I put my hand on hers and took the paper back from her, writing, “It shouldn’t,but I understand.” I gave her a sad smile

“So what happened? Did Applejack hit you?” She asked nervously.

“No. Applejack slipped me some kind of truth potion that made my head hurt like no other when I didn’t tell the whole truth. The last question she asked, my mouth opened automatically and when I forced it shut, I bit my tongue off. That’s why I sound funny.”

Fluttershy had moved to stand behind me and was reading as I wrote. She gasped at the first line, but when she reached the second, I felt her hand grip my shoulder, so I turned around and saw that she was pretty pissed.

“Where is she.” Fluttershy spat.

I started writing quickly. “I already threw something heavy at her as punishment, Flutters. This is between me and Applejack, so don’t you go getting involved. We’re all friends here! (:”

“We might be friends, but drugging a pony that trusts you isn’t very friendly. We’re going to go have a little talk with Applejack.” Fluttershy said with steel in her voice.

I tried to talk, or rather, write her out of her fury, but Fluttershy was having none of my shit, so I ended up following her to Rarity’s boutique. It was a very quiet, very quick walk due to Fluttershy walking so fast she was almost jogging, though I kept pace pretty decently in my book. Once we arrived at Rarity’s we waited while she took care of a customer.

Once she was finished, Rarity came over with a thousand watt smile. “Roxy, Flutter-” She stopped when she got a proper look at Fluttershy. “Alright, what’s going on?”

“Applejack tried to force information out of Roxy and ended up making her bite her tongue off.” Fluttershy stated icily.

Rarity froze for a moment, her face turning to stone. “Are you serious?” She asked, devoid of her usual aristocratic accent.

Fluttershy nodded and I held up the papers that explained what happened to Rarity. Once she’d read through them, she said, “You know, Roxy. Right now, even knowing that you haven’t been completely honest with us, I still trust you far more than Applejack right now. No matter what, you do not drug a friend.” She spat.

“I say we let Applejack know that she’s crossed a line.” Fluttershy muttered darkly.

“Indeed. I believe our orange friend needs to learn the proper etiquette for dealing with peaceful ponies.” Rarity replied just as darkly.

“Ow we coud gnod do dad.” I offered.

“Please, Roxy, be patient. I’m sure you’re upset with Applejack, but we must be civil about this.” Rarity huffed.

“As civil as she was with Roxy?” Fluttershy asked.

That was the point where I stood in front of the door and made the writing gesture over and over again. It didn’t take Rarity long to get me a marker and some paper, on which I wrote, “We are not retaliating any further against Applejack!” I underlined it to make sure my point was clear. “We will not turn on our friend, no matter what!”

Now, I may have still been mad about Applejack slipping me a mickey, but she was still my best friend and I honestly did understand the notice behind her actions. I didn’t forgive her for what she had done, but that didn’t mean that I had run to Fluttershy to get her in trouble or to ruin a friendship. I’d just wanted some support and comfort after the incident, not to drag Applejack’s name through the dirt.

Rarity and Fluttershy read my sign and exchanged a look. “Fine. We won’t retaliate, but we are going to talk to her.” Rarity said.

“That’s fine.” I jotted down, smiling. Rarity and Fluttershy winced, so I closed my mouth and wrote, “What’s wrong?”

“You’re teeth are stained red.” Fluttershy said, setting her jaw.

Rarity said nothing, but she did move me with her magic so that she and Fluttershy could get out the door. They read the signs that I wrote the entire way the the Treebrary, but it didn’t give them much pause. They would stop for a moment, read it, and then walk on as if nothing had happened. It was flattering that they were so willing to go to war for me, but I hadn’t been trying to start bullshit, and that seemed to be the way they were going with this. Once we got to Twilight’s, Spike let us in, though he dodged the fuck out of Rarity and Fluttershy once he saw their demeanor.

Once they’d passed, he asked, “What’s wrong with Fluttershy and Rarity?”

“Dey’we mad becauth of Appleyack, and thath’s all you need do know wighd now.”

“...Does it have anything to do with why you’re talking funny?”

“Yeth.”

“Okay then. Have fun being mad?”

“I’m nod ath mad ath Fludduhthy and Wawity.”

He lifted his brow, pursed his lips, and nodded like he totally believed me. “I totally believe you.”

I rolled my eyes and went to go catch up with them. Rarity and Fluttershy were explaining my side of the story to Twilight, so I stopped them before they could turn Twilight against Applejack and showed her the note I had written. Twilight was a much faster reader than her friends, so I just handed her the relevant papers and waited for her to finish, and I was content with the result. Though Twilight seemed upset by the news, she didn’t seem to want to go after Applejack like Fluttershy and Rarity had.

“Maybe Applejack can explain herself?” Twilight said uneasily.

“Oh, I would love to hear whatever excuse she has.” Rarity spat.

I placed a hand on her arm and gave her a meaningful look. “Wawity…”

I never realized how hard it was to take someone with a lisp seriously until that moment when Rarity ignored the fuck out of me, so I tried Twilight. Neatly, I wrote, “You’re with me on this, right Twilight? I just wanted to vent a little, not damage the friendship you girls have.”

Twilight nodded. “I’m with you. I’m curious about what exactly you’ve been lying about, but I trust you enough to say that it’s probably not important.” She smiled at me and I gave her one in return before I could remember about my bloodstained teeth.

Twilight stopped smiling. “Okay, seeing the after effects makes me a little bit upset.”

I gave her a look and she raised her hands. “I’m still with you, Roxy, but it’s a little upsetting that Applejack would do something like this to you, regardless of her reasons.”

I wrote back, “I know, but you girls are still friends, so we owe it to her to hear her out. May I remind everyone that I already threw a hammer at her?”

Fluttershy responded first. “How did you even get a hammer at a hospital?”

“It wasn’t at the hospital,” I wrote, “it was at the hardware store. She stayed with me while I was in the hospital and followed me for a while after discharge. Then I threw a hammer at her.”

“So you retaliated because Applejack was stalking you? Sounds like you were in the right.” Fluttershy huffed.

Twilight spread her hands. “Slow down, Fluttershy, I’m sure that Applejack was just trying to see if Roxy was okay!”

I snapped and pointed at Twilight, nodding. “See? Roxy agrees with me! Why don’t we be good friends to Roxy and respect her wishes?”

Rarity and Fluttershy traded a look. “Twilight, do you remember the time that one brown stallion came into town?” Fluttershy asked.

“The tall, handsome fellow that mares were swarming around all day?” Rarity continued.

“Remember how he broke Rarity’s heart?” Fluttershy asked, leaning in a bit.

“And do you remember what we did to him for messing with me?” Rarity added.

Twilight pursed her lips and glanced at me. “I thought you said we were never going to talk about that again.”

“But you remember, right Twilight?” Rarity asked again.

“I do…” She responded slowly.

“Why would we not react in the same way when one of our friends is physically injured?” Fluttershy asked. “It’s only fair.” She added innocently.

My tongue was feeling a bit better, so I tried to speak again. “It’th not fair. I’m athking you ath a fwiend to not go after Applejack.” I looked between Fluttershy and Rarity. “Pleathe.”

“She made you bite your tongue off.”

I gave up speaking and grabbed my paper again, writing, “She almost killed Max. Were you there for him like you are for me?”

The girls were silent for a minute. They looked between each other, though surprisingly, Fluttershy was the spokesperson. “No, we weren’t. That’s… That’s a big part of the reason we’re so upset, because now Applejack has hurt two ponies who haven’t done anything to her, and it’s all been over the same bucking thing!” Fluttershy slammed her fist into the table, making me jump. The only time I saw that same fire in her eyes was... Well, never. Not even when she argued was Fluttershy so determined.

“I know Applejack’s Element is Honesty, but my Element is Kindness, and you don’t see me going around beating ponies half to death, or drugging them so they’ll tell secrets they don’t want to share so they’ll be nice! You don’t see anypony but her actually causing real, physical harm to ponies, and I’m tired of it!” Tears we streaming from her eyes at this point, so I placed my hand on her fist, and Twilight and Rarity each took a shoulder.

“We all agreed that we would be better friends if we ever had someone come into the group like Max did, and here you are, our second chance. A chance to treat a human like a friend like we should have been doing, but then Applejack just has to know the truth! She’s gets so focused on protecting everypony like we’re her foals or something, and then she does such terrible things! Honestly?” She wiped her eyes and stilled her quivering lip. “We got so lucky with Max. We got so incredibly lucky to have someone as understanding and as kind as him to be our friend, because I doubt that any other Pony or person would stayed as long as he has, and I don’t want to see you turning out like he is because of our world.” The tears came back with a vengeance, so I got up and hugged her, though I was soon joined by the other two women.

I had never even thought about how Applejack’s actions affected the girls. I had never really put much thought into how they saw me up until now. I’d thought that they’d been taking my patience, forgiveness, friendship for granted for some time now, but that was before Fluttershy spilled her heart to me. For the first time in a while, an honest to goodness flood of tears broke down my emotional damn I may have lost the last point on my man card. To sum things up, it got really sappy really fast, though in the midst of my tears, one thing Fluttershy had said stood out to me. I found it worrisome that Fluttershy thought that I was turning out badly, but then I thought about it and realized that I hadn’t really shown her much good since I had been back from the Everfree or Gryphonia, and I had hidden everything that happened in Gryphonia from them. I may not have been able to tell them the truth about that, but there was one thing I could come clean about.

Once we finished being mushy and shit, I had Twilight have Spike send a note to Pinkie, Rainbow, and Applejack. Once that was done, the three of them started asking me why I’d called a group meeting, but all I told them was that ‘it was time for the truth’.

Rainbow and Pinkie arrived together, but Applejack was nowhere to be seen after an hour, so I told the girls that I was going for a quick walk to organize everything I wanted to say. I stepped out the door and immediately went around back to where I had figured Applejack was hiding.

“OI!” I called out.

Applejack jumped and froze when she saw me, so I approached her. “You know, we’re all waiting for you inside, sweetie.”

She touched the lump on her forehead that I’d caused. “I-I can’t go in there…”

I rolled my eyes and stopped just inside of arms reach, and when Applejack tried to flinch away, I lost the small amount of patience I was working with, walked around behind her, and started dragging her into the house by her tail. For some odd reason, if you grab a citizen of Equus’ tail they’re pretty much harmless until you let go. I don’t know why that is, but I was making use of it now. Applejack just whimpered and tried to dig her heels in, but it was as easy as tugging a petulant five year old along. Don’t think it’s easy? Try not caring about whether or not they can or will keep up; things get so much simpler.

Dragging her up the stairs was a bit more troublesome, though we still got through it by the power of friendship, and by the time I dragged Applejack in she had accepted her defeat at my hands. I guided her over to the kitchen and waved at the girls as we came in. Applejack tried to cover her face with her hat out of shame, but Rarity levitated it off, leaving Applejack in a state that could be considered nude in America.

“Alright girls. We’re all here, my tongue is working just fine, and there’s tea in the kettle. Let’s rip this band-aid off nice and quick so I can tell Applejack that she sucks sometimes, but she’s usually okay.” I announced. Turning to Applejack, I said, “So we’ve already established that I’m not who I say I am, but we’ve also learned for sure that I don’t plan on hurting anyone, so would you like to start by apologizing to me, or to the girls?”

Applejack chuckled nervously. “I-I guess I should start with the pony I hurt?”

I was the only one who showed her any kind of support besides Twilight. The rest of the girls were quite visibly upset. “Go on.” Twilight said neutrally.

“R-Roxy, I’m just sorry somethin’ awful! I never meant to hurt ya, I was just tryin’ to protect our friends from gettin’ hurt!”

“Great job there, AJ. You really outdid yourself.” Rainbow spat.

The orange mare tried to make herself a bit smaller, but she was still the second tallest person in the room. “Yeah… I messed up pretty bad…”

“You sure did sweetie, but that lump on your head tells me that I already got even for the tongue bit, so as long as you let that heal naturally without magic, we’re fine enough, but don’t think I’m going to let you keep hurting me. Seriously, I thought you learned your lesson after the first time.” I hinted.

“There was another incident!?” Fluttershy whispered menacingly.

“Hush, poppet, no need to worry about that right now. Applejack has another apology to get through.”

Brows lifted when I said that, but Applejack knew exactly what I was talking about. “Girls… I’m sorry I let ya down. I know we had our promise-”

“Damn straight we had a promise!” Rainbow shouted. “If you can't even keep yourself honest, how do you expect other ponies to accept you trying to keep them honest!?”

“Rainbow.” I said softly.

Applejack slunk down further in her seat. “That’s right! Try and hide all over again, just like you did with Max, but it won’t change anything!” Rainbow tiraded.

“Rainbow Dash.” I said more firmly

“What makes you think you’re the police around here, Applejack? What makes you think you can keep going around and-”

“Rainbow fucking Dash!” I shouted, baring my teeth. “This is not how we talk to our friends. We listen. We consider. Then we judge. In. That. Order.”

Rainbow stared at me wide eyed, and most of the girls followed suit. I had gotten louder with Dash than I had Gilda, but that’s mostly because I wanted her attention.

I coughed a couple times. “Does anyone oppose what I said? We all would want our friends to listen to us, right? Especially if we’re willing to admit that we did something wrong, and especially if they have the courage to face us after fucking up.” I scanned the table and saw nods from everyone except Applejack Rainbow. Both of them were ashamed, which was the fuck mothering point.

It fell silent once more and I turned my attention to Applejack. “So you were saying? About the promise?”

“...I don’t think anypony wants to hear what I have to say right now…”

I tenderly laid a hand on Applejack’s shoulder. “I want to hear what you have to say, love.”

She gave me an odd look. “Don’t you usually say sweetie?”

“Different pet names for different moments.” I shrugged. “It’ll all be on the table by the end of the night, so stop stalling and explain yourself.”

Applejack gulped and cast a furtive glance around the table. Twilight, Pinkie and I were the only ones not trying to drill holes into her head with our eyes, so she focused on Twilight who was at the opposite end of the table. “Well… I-I just thought that if I could get ya the Zap Applejack and get ya talkin’ that you wouldn’t notice…”

“Didn’t I notice after the first question you asked?” I inquired. “Why didn’t you stop then?”

“I didn’t know for sure that you did notice…”

“I asked you to stop multiple times.”

Applejack hung her head. “I’m sorry…”

I squeezed her shoulder. “I believe you, firefly.”

Applejack’s head whipped to face me, eyes eyes wide. “What did you just call me?”

“Applejack, you really have no room to be getting upset.” Rarity chided flatly.

“Oh, she’s not upset,” I said with a bright smile.

Applejack just stared at me. “There's only one pony that calls me that... No way…”

“Blame Celestia, but don’t ruin the surprise for anyone else just yet, okay?”

She nodded silently and just stared at a wall for a little bit. “Alrighty. So now we’re getting to the fun bit. Applejack, my conditions for me to forgive you still stands and-” I saw Fluttershy’s face as she put it together, “it looks like Fluttershy comes in second!”

She put her hand to her mouth, so I forestalled her words with a finger to my lips. I winked at her and said, “Ah ah ah, not quite yet. I’ll explain everything in a bit, okay?”

She nodded dumbly while I looked around. Pinkie Pie probably already knew, so I gave her a wink, but Rainbow, Twilight and Rarity were still completely lost.

“You’ve got plenty of information to work with, girls. So answer me when I ask ‘Who am I?” I grinned deviously and waited, but Twilight and Rarity just shook their heads while Rainbow looked like she was about to have an episode.

After waiting for them to figure it out for way too long, I gave up. “Alright, you guys need to work on your detective skills. I’m Max, and honestly, you should have figured that out when I disappeared the same day Roxy showed up.”

Jaws hit the floor. Apparently Applejack had been the only one to really guess my true identity because Pinkie and Fluttershy’s jaws were nearing the floor alongside their friend’s. I may have preened a bit.

Twilight suddenly smacked her fist into her palm. “Princess Celestia used a gender reversal spell!”

“Right-o. The mission I took that kept me away for a month was actually against her direct, explicit orders to me, but I was the only one who could do it, so I didn’t have much of a choice. Since Celestia’s a sadist beyond all others, she changed me into a girl, played dressup with me, got between my legs, and then told me that I was going to be spending a week as a girl to punish me for doing her entire goddamn country a favor.” I scoffed.

“Celestia changed your form to punish you?” Twilight asked.

“Yup.” I responded eloquently.

“...Do you even comprehend how illegal that is?” She asked softly, her eyes going wider than they had been. “That is a Tartarus level offense Roxy.”

I chewed on that for a moment. “So what are we going to do about it? I could never seek vengeance against Celestia because I love her, and you’re not going to because she’s your teacher.”

Twilight’s horn lit up and she walked off to go do… something. I waited for her to come before I started explaining my reasoning for not just telling them my true identity, but she never came. Instead, a tall white mare with a long pointy horn and a pastel rainbow for a mane came through the door that Twilight had taken her leave from.

Celestia was here, and she did not look happy.

Five snaps later and all of the girls were face down on the table. Celestia approached me with a gait that was far more appropriate for a predator than for an herbivore, but when she went to snap her fingers, I caught her hand in my telekinesis. Her horn began to light up, so I increased the pressure on her hand.

“Don’t you dare, Celestia. I can see your horn glowing, and I will make sure you never use that hand again.” I bluffed.

She stopped in place and glared at me. “What happened to keeping secrets, Max? I thought you were supposed to be good at that.”

“That was before Fluttershy told me that they were trying to be better friends because of what happened with me.”

“So what? You couldn’t keep your mouth shut about this one thing!?” She protested.

“You’re the one who broke your own damn laws, Celestia! Leave the girls out of this!” I argued.

“Look, it was wrong of me to transform you, but I honestly thought that it would be something interesting for you! I wasn’t actually trying to punish you!”

“That’s bullshit and you know it! You’re still mad that I went to Gryphonia again!”

“Alright, so I might still be a little upset!” She tried to shrug, but I still had her hand in a vice.

“Celestia, do you even understand how fucking childish it was to involve damn near all of my friends in your little punishment? Did you even realize how life changing this could be?”

Her chest heaved and she bit her lip. “I’m not about to let you turn this around on me-”

“Fucking bullshit! Just admit that you didn’t think! It’s okay!”

Celestia grit her teeth and snarled. “I am a leader. I have lived for nearly four thousand years! I. Do. Not. Make. Mistakes.”

“Is your God complex that intense?” I asked, shaking my head. “Dear Lord, Celestia, you’re just a person! I know you’ve had to learn that you can’t influence everything at some point!”

“Do you think I don’t know that!? Do you think I want to be this way!? Max, I am so entrenched in the world’s affairs that it would bucking collapse if I just washed my hooves with it! What do you think that feels like? If I’m not in control, then this country and most of this world go straight down the drain, Max. I need to be in control because it’s the safest possible-”

I let her hand go and she stopped mid sentence. She took it in the other and we just looked at each other for a minute.

I had nothing to say. My heart hurt so fiercely that I couldn’t bear to remain in the same house as her. Seeing her corruption in person had hit me hard. Obviously I’d already known that as both an ancient being and a leader, that she would have done some terrible things in her time. Hell, I had done a terrible thing for her, so yeah, I wasn’t surprised. I was just… It never occurred to me that Celestia would control my life too, that she would interfere so deeply at her own whim. Having seen her just casually walk in and start knocking people out, there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that Celestia had done something before and wiped it from my mind. If it weren’t for the telekinesis and my newly begotten insight into the female mind, I wouldn’t be surprised to find that Celestia had done something worse before.

After a brief stint to collect myself outside, I slowly walked into the Treebrary, just in case Celestia was going to try and sneak me. Once I cleared the doorway, I threw a quick glance in the important directions and listened. There were two sounds that caught my attention; heavy snoring and soft weeping. I opted to go comfort the person crying despite my basest instincts telling me that continuing such a poisonous relationship was going to get me killed. Sometimes love makes you do the most retarded fucking things. Sometimes love sends you to Cloud 9 and lets you party for days on end.

Fuck me for falling in love with one of the most evil beings on the planet.

Celestia was chilling out on Twilight’s couch, having herself a good cry. I came over, had a seat next to her and held her head to my chest. She tried to push me away meekly, but I wrapped my invisible tentacle around her and pretty much stuck her to my side, which meant that Celestia’s elbow was firmly jammed in my ribs and her face was deep in my half assed cleavage. When my tits started getting wet, I let her go because it felt super gross.

She looked at me, her face a complete mess, so I put her head on my shoulder so I wouldn’t have to look at that, just in case I lost my nerve. I gently stroked her hair while she got the rest of her misery out, though it took longer than I had expected. For once, I actually had a clock of some kind to look at, so I watched as thirty minutes ticked by. During the span of that thirty minutes, I gently consoled Celestia, which only made her feel worse apparently. That may or may not have been the cause of the extended stay on Twilight’s couch, but you can’t prove anything so shut your fucking face. In fact, you’d better stop reading this if you don’t want me to shove a knife in your back.

Seriously.

Look behind you.

Dumb bullshit aside, I was back to the same, depressed neutral that I had been maintaining for some time. I already knew that Celestia wasn’t going to be the best lover, so I shouldn’t have been surprised, but after some time to digest it, I decided that killing Celestia with kindness would be the most retarded route. However, was I ever on one hell of a roll for bad decisions.

With all the drama of the moment drained for me and with no reason to spend the energy to put up the facade, I opened my mouth to add five more minutes on the couch before I realized something. What was the point of torturing Celestia anymore?

“Hun.” I tapped her shoulder. She kept crying. “Celestia.”

She tried to wipe her eyes, but she only succeeded in spreading the mess.

“You have magic. Why are you not using it?”

“B-Bec-cause I d-don’t want you to th-think-”

“That you’re using it against me?” I asked kindly. “It’s okay, I trust you.”

“H-How?”

“Because I kinda expected this from you at some point.”

Her horn flashed, but new tears streaked her cheeks in seconds. “Y-You knew something like th-this would happen?”

“Like I said, kinda. I couldn’t know what exactly, but I expected something on this scale.”

She faced me. “...We can’t be together.”

“Nope.” I shrugged. “It is what it is. It’s not like it has to be over forever. Let me get a few more years under my belt and we’ll see where it goes from the, yeah?”

“Max, this isn’t the only time I’ve wiped Twilight and her friends mind’s.” Celestia confessed. “I can’t ask you to be with me on any terms if I keep hiding this from you!”

“I figured that out while I was outside. What else did you erase?” I asked evenly.

“...Rarity raped you.”

“I will slap the shit out of you. I’m being civil because being a dick won’t get me anywhere, but God help me Celestia-”

“Max. I’m not lying to you, I swear.” She said softly.

“...Alright, now I’m asking you to tell me that was a lie.”

“Did you ever wonder why you never went to see her for another lesson on manners?”

“...I-I thought life just got hectic.” I whispered.

Celestia bit her lip and looked away from me. Her lips moved, but even my boosted hearing couldn’t pick up what she’d said. The only word that I could pick out was ‘my’.”

“Celestia… Please don’t tell me…”

“She asked me for the love poison, and I thought it was harmless enough if she was one of Twilight’s friends…” She closed her eyes.

“...Alright.” I shook my head. “Was Rarity in control of her actions?”

“...She was when she gave it to you, but she later told me that she had dosed herself to see what happened. It was supposed to be an innocent experiment, but Rarity was in estrus at the time, and estrus mixed with love poison…” She opened her eyes and focused on her hands. “You never stood a chance at denying her.”

“...Has anything like that happened since?”

“No.” Celestia said firmly. “I’ve made sure of it. When I enchanted the Warbling Blade with my seal, I placed a Danger Sensor on it so I would know if you were ever in something I would recognize as trouble.”

“It must have been going wild when I was in Gryphonia.” I commented.

“It was. That’s how I knew.”

“Right. Have you wiped any more incidents from my mind, or the girls’?”

“...You were dead when Rainbow Dash brought you to the hospital. Luna brought you back using some magic...” She hesitated.

“It was some evil shit, wasn’t it?”

“Magic blacker than my own soul.” Celestia whispered. “It’s why ponies that don’t know you very well don’t like to be around you. You’ve been leaking Dark Magic for months, but there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“...What all is this affecting, Celestia?”

She took a deep breath. “I don't know all of them, but I know that it affects how effective healing magic is for you, and it does something…” She took another breath and steeled herself. “It does something to your mind. It attaches you to the caster in a way so that your life is linked to theirs.”

“If Luna dies, I die?”

“No, when one of you dies, the other inherits their power. If you ever get too powerful, Luna will try to kill you.”

“Just coming clean on everything, aren’t you.” I jested, trying to bring some levity to the situation.

In all honesty, I was kinda overwhelmed. I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach from all the information that had been revealed to me. Knowing that one of my friends had created the perfect storm to effectively date rape me kinda put a damper on things. It did do something to explain why I found Rarity less appealing than I probably should have, but that little side note was completely overshadowed by the fact that Celestia had just wiped it from our minds. I was upset with her, but I could be as pissed as I wanted to be later. Now, I had to worry about Luna having a hit on my head and whether or not I should aim for her’s first. I was happy to leave her alone, but I didn’t know if Celestia was really coming clean or if she was trying to drive rifts between me and my friends.

There was a reason that I’d stayed behind in Gryphonia for a while longer, and this was a shining fucking example. I didn’t know what to do with Celestia at the moment, so I sat and waited to see if she’d come up with something else. After ten minutes of silence, I accepted that as her having said everything she wanted to.

“So what happens now?” I asked with a heavy sigh.

“I guess we go our separate ways for the time being.” She replied despondently.

“I kinda figured. I meant what happens as far as the whole ‘Roxy’ thing?”

“Oh… I believe you’ll handle the situation adequately. I’ll back up whatever decision you make.”

“Lovely. Thanks for the help.” I closed my eyes and leaned back. “I think we’re telling them that it’s a prank that went too far, but that taught me some valuable lessons. That’s the truth, in a manner of speaking. We’ll keep the fact that this was supposed to be a punishment to ourselves, but I want you here to turn me back in front of them.”

“I can do that.”

“I also want you to avoid contacting me for anything less than an emergency. I love you, Celestia, but we need some time away from each other.”

“...I understand. I’ll do as you ask.”

I sighed. “It’ll get easier, hun. If you tell yourself that enough, eventually you believe it.”

“I believe it now. When you live as long as I have, you learn to see the bright side.”

“Right… So what do I do about the Rarity situation?”

Celestia looked at the clock. “I suppose you should blame me. If I hadn’t given Rarity such a dangerous substance in the first place, you never would have been put in that position.”

I shook my head. “I don’t even remember it, so I can treat it like it never happened. And what am I supposed to do about Luna?”

“... As long as you don’t keep dying and coming back magically stronger, you should be fine. Luna is already one of the most powerful beings on the planet, and she wouldn’t dare touch you while you’re under my protection.”

“How long will I have your protection?”

“As long as I live, I swear by the Sun.”

“Thank you. Obviously I’m not going to tell Applejack she killed me, so let’s get the girls back to the waking world, shall we?”

Celestia wiped her eyes again and her horn lit up one more time, fixing her makeup. In seconds, she was wearing the mask of a ruler once more. I took her hand and lead her to the kitchen. Celestia went to go fetch Twilight and then began casting all sorts of hoodoo. The girls rose the positions they had been in originally.

Things got real weird.

The conversation played out from the beginning, like I had just sat Applejack down all over again. Celestia used magic to bring the memories of the conversation to the front of my mind, so recreating the scenario was child’s play. All it took was some acting that I had been practicing all week, but when we got to the part about playing dress up, I changed my wording from ‘punishment’ to ‘prank’ and everything was suddenly okay. That was Celestia’s cue to come down from the stairs, all smiles and sunshine. Between the two of us, we explained that I had turned her prank into a prank of my own, up until I started enjoying the time I was spending with the girls as a different person, and how what I learned about how they thought of me made me want to give the whole thing up multiple times.

Celestia told them that my prank turned endeavor to be a better friend was completely approved by her, since her words still meant something to them. Pinkie and Rainbow were the first ones to respond, both of them giving Celestia and I props on our pranks. Twilight asked what I had learned about friendship.

I responded with, “So far? I’ve learned that if you don’t have the same genitals as your friends, you miss out on a lot that could bring you closer. Hell, I felt closer to you girls as ‘Roxy’ at times than I ever have as ‘Max’. For a few days, I really thought that it was just because I was a guy, but then Fluttershy said that you all were trying to correct the mistakes you’d made with me, and that’s what made me come clean instead of having Roxy just disappear one day. I honestly think that the time that we spent together over the last week is worth how mad you’ll be at me for deceiving you.” I shrugged. “I guess I’ve learned that you shouldn’t make assumptions or something. I suppose I made a lot of them about you girls.”

“I’ll say.” Rarity sniffed. “You should think more of your friends!”

“You were about to lynch Applejack, so shut up.”

Rarity balked. “Are you saying that as Roxy or as Max?”

“Both of us would have called you out.”

“As much as I’m enjoying seeing you all get along so well, I need to take my leave.” Celestia announced. “Is there anything else I can help any of you with before you go?”

When no one said anything, I said, “Just take care. I’ll see you sometime.”

“When our paths cross again.” Celestia said with a nod. She teleported out moments later.

And yet, I was still a woman. I raised a hand to my head. “Hey Twilight, do you know the gender reversal spell?”

“I do, but I think you could spend some more time as ‘Roxy’. Does anypony object?”

She got chants of assent from around the table and most of the girls fixed me with grins to rival the Reaper’s. Applejack got up and left before and left before anyone could stop her, unfortunately, but no one barred her path her at my request. She had plenty to absorb, and I was sure that I was the one best suited for the job, so I went outside and looked around for her, but saw no sign of her. I wandered around the streets in the general direction of Sweet Apple Acres, but she was nowhere to be found.

I returned to Twilight’s after searching for a couple of hours. I’d even stopped by her home and her window specifically, but got no response. Nothing happened on the way back, but I did return to find all of the girls giggling about something in the library. Before I could join them, Spike caught me in the hallway.

“Hey, Roxy, can I talk to you for a second?”

“Yeah, but you should probably know that I’m actually Max.”

“Riiight.” Spike said slowly. “I was just wondering what happened earlier? I thought I heard a lot of yelling from Rainbow, you and Celestia, but nopony’s told me why Celestia was here!”

` “Rainbow and I were yelling because Applejack messed up and got me hurt. Celestia was here, but I assure you that you never heard her yelling.” I responded cooly.

“...Yeah… I guess it must have been my imagination or something.” He remarked.

“You’re still young so it’s entirely possible. I’m going to go see what the girls are having a laugh about, care to come with?”

Spike shrugged, so we joined the girls. As it turns out, they had been laughing about taking a ‘stallion’ to try on clothes and other such sundries. They found it ever so amusing that I’d let my hair be styled and my makeup done. With a smile, I reminded Fluttershy and Rarity of the time they’d caused me to blackout and wake up in a random shop and they stopped laughing, which made me start laughing.

Twilight was the first to join me, then Pinkie because she realized that more people were laughing, then everyone else joined in because we’re fucking retarded.

It was a fitting send off for Roxy.