It's good to have a lie-in at the weekend, isn't it? After a hard week in the factory tightening toothpaste caps, I deserve a nice, long rest. My four holey legs curled up together on the comfortable rocky ground, as I tucked my gossamer wings in for extra warmth. A soft soprano sigh left my black lips, while I instinctively licked my sharpened fangs. I opened my massive bug-eyes to check what the time was on my mantelpiece alarm clock...
Now, here's a little quiz for you puzzle-lovers out there. See if you can spot at least six things wrong with the above paragraph, discounting the last bit about the missing timepiece. If you spot them all, I totally give you permission to boast about your proud accomplishment to all your little friends.
Prizes? You must be joking. My unguarded, wide-open home property is in all likelihood getting ram-raided even as I yawn. By the time I return, I'll be lucky to have a pot to piss in, thanks to the thieving pissheads that comprise my neighbourhood.
And, who's going to feed the cat? Or, defrost the freezer? Or... Oops. As someone wise once told me: 'Priorities, priorities'...
Yup, it's safe to say I'm not in Kansas anymore, or indeed anywhere vaguely habitable. All I see when I glance around in despair is a dull cave, with no air conditioning or even a vase of flowers to brighten the dismal atmosphere. In fact, in this poor lighting, it's very hard for me to make out any specific detail, apart from 'luscious' greys and 'sparkling' blacks. My limited perception is perhaps not helped by the narrow palette of my new insectoid optics. Ugh.
Not that I'm really 'bugging out' at this stage (see what I mean about my brilliant sense of humour) because this is all just some sinister nightmare, bought on by too many late-evening viewings of that 80's horror classic 'The Fly'. Soon my normal, bipedal form will be up and about in mildly sunnier climes, thrashing unsuspecting noobs at Super Smash Bros online while ordering Domino's takeout. You can't beat a slice or two o' Hawaiian, even though it does give me horrible diarrhe...
"Get up, you useless drone! We have work to do!"
In case there was still any lingering doubt inside my ailing brain, a swift kick to my ribs did the trick to convince me this was not all, in fact, an abominable fantasy. That, and the impact my head made as it bashed the side of the stone wall, not to mention the accompanying breathlessness.
"I didn't bring you all the way here to sleep all day, idiot! Transforming you into my newest underling has taken what little power I had left, and now that the deed is done... I expect to be paid back. In spades!!"
Hey, easy there, lady. I didn't ask you to transmogrify me to become this freak of nature, or teleport my good self to a location more barren and depressing than Slough town centre on a Wednesda... wait.
Why am I cracking jokes at a time when everything I was and everything I knew has gone, and I'm cowering stark naked in the presence of Her Royal Bitchiness, a villainess who I only thought existed in a harmless twenty-two minute animated series for kiddiewinks just a little while ago? (Discounting the eight minutes set aside for terrible commercials. Natch).
It's delayed shock, it must be. I'm sure I'll be running around, screaming blue murder later on when the full repercussions of my dimensional-hopping and body-swapping begin to sink in. Until then though, I just kind of gaze numbly at my apocalyptic surroundings as my new 'benefactor' helps me to my four feet... well, it's more like she grabs me by the front horn (since when did I have- oh, never mind) to pull me upwards, but let's not split hairs, eh? God, I miss having hair.
"Now, you listen to me!!" Uh-oh. She's shouting in my withered earhole again. Something tells me I caught her on a bad day. "I'm aware you know about our world. I've seen your miserable species spying on Equestria for quite some time now, did you honestly think you could get away with such blatant invasion of privacy for so long, without dire consequences?!"
I wanted to inform the decaying old nag of the bare-faced hypocrisy of what she spoke, seeing as she'd apparently been engaged in a similar kind of illicit surveillance, but somehow I just couldn't find the words. Instead, I found a hoof replete with more holes than a Swiss cheese leveled at my throat, and a narrowed pair of piercing green eyes boring into my own. In case I hadn't figured it out, this madam meant business.
"I've stripped you of the ability to talk for now, along with those tawdry rags you wore upon arrival. Not that they'd fit you in your present condition, anyway..." She laughed manically, tossing her translucent mane about like an old shower curtain. "You're going to be just like all my other favourite hatchlings... obedient, and quiet. It's communication after all, that led to my betrayal at the hooves of he-who-will-not-be-named. When I'm returned to prominence, and he's thrust in front of my throne, just you watch me tear him limb from limb..."
Any fairweather fan of MLP knows that the deposed queen was referring to that mild-mannered Changeling called Thorax, but I was so busy suffocating at this stage due to her tightening grip I couldn't really concentrate. Fortunately, in the midst of her apoplexy, she finally realised she was choking me half to death, and dropped me like a sack of spuds.
"Hmm... it wouldn't be advantageous for me to cause you too much physical harm, at this stage..." My new not-exactly benevolent 'mistress' remarked, as she watched my spluttering and wheezing form stumble about with obvious amusement. "Not as long as you're still an asset to me. Now, I have a flawless plan in mind to restore me to my rightful position and destroy those disgusting ponies forever more. You have the great honour of playing a central role, but not in the pitiful state you are now. Which is why we're here, in the wilderness, thousands of miles away from any habitation. Welcome to your new home..."
She growled those last five words with utter contempt, as if telling me in no uncertain terms to 'like it or lump it'. Well, there certainly wasn't much to crow about here... just a dark, dank grotto ringed by decomposed plant life, highlighted by a starless sky lit in permanent midnight hues. Heck, even the worst possible future Twilight showed Starlight during their time-travel shenanigans seemed downright cozy compared to this endless wasteland.
"Finished the grand tour? Good." I felt my fanged jaw being involuntarily shoved forward so I faced Chrysalis's leering visage once more. "It's not exactly the Castle Of Friendship, but you'll get used to it. You'd better for your own sake, anyway. You'll be training here every single day until you learn to pass as one of our kind. Flight, mobility, our ancient culture. shape-shifting... all of this will be on the agenda, and your success or failure will hinge on whether I ever send you back to your worthless little space rock ever again, or even if you're still alive at the end of the week..."
You mean... there's a chance I might still be able to get home? My spirits, that had been as low as the temperature of this freezing wind that blasted through the wretched cavern, suddenly rose up once more upon hearing this promising news. I couldn't help but smile a hopeful, toothy grin at my new 'teacher', which considering the embittered mood she currently found herself in, was hardly the right course of action.
"D-Don't be so grateful, pest!" Her stinging backhoof sent me sprawling to the floor once more, but not fast enough for me to miss the hint of a blush, even through her pitch-black cheeks. "I'm going to be working you tirelessly day and night until you get it right, and the only time you'll nap will be in your dreams! Now, seeing as we're going to unfortunately spend a lot of time together, I suppose it would be frugal to think of giving you a name. Hmm... I'm going to call you 'Chrystal'. With a 'h' between the 'C' and the 'r', in case there's any confusion. Just call it a personal touch. We'll also have to establish some ground rules around here. For example: I'm the only one who lays the eggs. Is that 'Chrystal' clear?! Bwhaha..."
At this late stage, I didn't think anything else could shock me. But now, a few other undesired realisations began to click in my head: The girlish yowling when I woke up in this outback... the fact this monstrosity had given me a female moniker... and her comment about 'laying eggs'. No, it couldn't possibly...
But a quick examination of my belly and groin area did nothing to allay my fears. I detected the unwelcome evidence of dozens of teats, almost enough to feed an entire army (apparently, Changelings don't start chowing down on love until they're older). That wasn't even the worst part, though...
"Oh sorry, I forgot to mention something else, sweetheart..." Chrysalis smirked evilly, as I let out an unholy shriek that seemed to shake the very foundations of the cave. "The fact is, I've always thought females showed more loyalty than males, as demonstrated by recent events, and so I made another small adjustment during your creation..."
I'm sure I would have loved to hear the rest of that sentence, but when you're simultaneously in deranged hysterics and rapidly losing consciousness, it's a little tricky to focus.
Oh well, at least I get to continue my lie-in.