//------------------------------// // Chapter 4 // Story: Inoculation // by Tumbleweed //------------------------------// The Imposing Doom Fortress wasn't any of those things. During the course of her villainous conquests, Twilight hadn't had any time to redecorate; Nightmare Night was a long way off, so it was impossible to acquire the requisite number of plastic skulls. The palace turned fortress looked as shiny and inviting as ever-- which would have been fine if it weren't for the fact that it was relatively indefensible. While the narrow means of entry around the tree-shaped castle's 'trunk' provided a bottleneck for potential invaders, no precautions had been made otherwise. There were no murder-holes, no trapdoors, no portcullises, not even so much as a bucket labeled 'war rocks' set conspicuously by the window. With an original design geared more towards comfort than combat, there wasn't anything to prevent somepony from walking right in. Which is what Applejack did. “You made it!” Rarity jumped out of her chair and hid the tawdry romance paperback she'd been reading in the folds of her glittering cape. “I mean, ah, you made it.” She put some sweet menace into her tone. “I knew you'd have to submit to our evil plan eventually. Because we're so evil.” “Uh-huh.” Applejack squinted at Rarity, unimpressed. “Mmm. Well.” Rarity raked her eyes up and down Applejack's form, appraising. “Sticking to just the hat, I see. Pity. I was rather hoping to see you in that green number I made for you last season.” “Let's just get this over with.” “Oh-ho-ho-ho!” Rarity's hooves clicked on the tiled floor as she swept across the room, stepping close enough for the cowpony to smell her perfume. “Not so fast, my darling! The sweet taste of victory is one that must be savored, like a fine wine. Or perhaps even a refreshing … cider?” “Ain't nobody getting any refreshing 'til I see my family.” “But of course!” Rarity said. “You require a sign of good faith. So follow me!” She flicked her billowing cape, and then headed deeper into Twilight's Imposing Doom Fortress. Again, with no evil décor, the halls were more inviting than intimidating-- though a crooked NO LOITERING sign had been hastily tacked up to one wall. Spike stood below said sign, chuckling to himself and twirling his mustache. Soon enough, Rarity led the cowpony to the central throne room, and rested a hoof on the closed door. “Brace yourself, sweet Applejack, for you are about to gaze upon the blackest heart of wickedness!” “Whatever you say.” “That is, in fact, what I say! Don't say I didn't warn you!” Rarity shoved the heavy doors open, revealing the tableau in the room beyond. “Breakin' the law! Breakin' the law!” Pinkie Pie sing-songed the phrase as she bounced on her hooves from one end of the throne room to the other. “Breakin' the law! Breakin' the law!” Apple Bloom clung to the back of Pinkie's neck, giggling the whole way. As soon as she saw Applejack, Pinkie Pie skidded to a halt (about six inches above the floor) and waved a hoof cheerily. “You made it!” “Hey Applejack! I got kidnapped!” Apple Bloom pushed her head up through Pinkie's poufy mane. “Innit that neat!” “No, it ain't.” Applejack grumbled. She strode past the pair, and deeper into the throne room. At one end, Granny Smith sat in a thoughtfully-provided rocking chair, where she had naturally lapsed into her typically loud variety of reminiscent storytelling, with Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy sitting nearby as her obligatory audience. Neither looked too interested in the story, but Granny Smith went on anyway. “Back in my day, Ponyville was lawless, I tells ya. Lawless! Had all kinds of skullduggerin' goin' on! Why, weren't a week that went by without some feller in a top hat went up n' tied me to the train tracks! N' sure as clockwork, Grandpa Smith would show up in the nick a' time n' rescue me. 'Course, he weren't Grandpa Smith back then. Everybody just called him Goldie-- short for Goldspur, y'know. His pappy wanted him ta be a big fancy rodeo star, y'see, which is why they gave 'im that name. Made a heck of a row when ol' Goldie got his cutie mark with a an apple on it, instead of a lasso or a cowboy hat or somethin'. Or maybe he shoulda gotten his cutie mark in somethin' else, if ya know what I'm sayin'.” Granny Smith leaned forward to nudge Rainbow Dash, knowingly. “I mean, a gal has to show her 'preciation for bein' rescued, right? And there ain't nothin' to get your blood up like nearly bein' flattened by the Five-Ten to Canterlot, I tell you what.” “I'll take your word for it?” Rainbow Dash said. “Wait, hold on, that ain't right. Weren't the Five-Ten that nearly run me over, I think it was the Three Eighty Five. Had ta be, 'cause every week they'd take a shipment a' onions back to Canterlot. There was a shortage at the time, 'cause of the war rationing. They even put up posters! “Save your onions, save your tears.” Or somethin' like that. Each pony only got one onion a week-- a yellow one, too, 'cause all the red ones had to go to the front. I think it was 'cause they wanted to make sure all the drill sergeants for the army had bad breath when they yelled at new recruits. Very 'portant part of the war effort. 'Course, y'know who really had bad breath? Ol' Daisy Grace. Nice 'nuff pony, but hoo boy, you did not want to get paired up with her durin' Winter Wrap Up. That was back when we had a real Winter Wrap Up, none of this playin' n' singin' that you whippersnappers get up to nowadays. Back in my day, it was considered a good year iffin' nobody's hooves turned black from frostbite. Builds character, that sorta thing!” Twilight Sparkle presided over the chamber, sitting in her throne and wearing an outfit that was mostly cape and shoulderpads. She'd at least made some steps to make the throne more imposing by propping it up on a couple of old boxes. The books tucked away in the throne's cushions were to be expected, but there was one particular detail that stood out. “MacIntosh.” Applejack stared at her brother, who knelt at the foot of Twilight's throne of ostensible evil. “Why in Equestria are you dressed like that?” “The chains and loincloth were his idea, actually.” Twilight noted. MacIntosh blushed. “ … Eeeyup.” “Aaaaand there's somethin' I could have gone my whole life without knowin'.” “Aesthetics are a very important part of evildoing, you know.” Twilight nodded, smiling. “About that.” Applejack planted her hooves and glared at Twilight. “Oooooh, this is even better than I expected!” Rarity stamped at the floor in eager excitement. “Brave, dashing Applejack, standing alone against the forces of darkness!” Twilight leaned back in her throne (which wobbled precariously at the shifting weight) and smiled. “You were right, Rarity, Applejack does have a heroic streak. I'm just curious to see how she could possibly oppose the five of us all by herself.” Twilight signalled with one hoof, at which point Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash all closed in to surround Applejack in the middle of the room. “She's just one pony, after all.” “That's why I brought help.” With that, Applejack put a hoof to her lips and whistled, ear-searingly loud. At the whistle, a harried-looking earth pony with glasses and her brown mane turned up in a bun peeked nervously into the throne room. “Is it safe?” She asked in a very small voice. “It's always been safe. Now c'mon.” Applejack said with a roll of her eyes, and then waved the pony over. “Twilight, I'd like you to meet Manilla Folder.” “Hi there!” Twilight said with a cheeriness not usually seen in despotic tyrants. “Um. Hi?” Manilla Folder walked into the throne room-- slowly, on account of the heavy, bulging saddlebags she carried. “This is perfect!” Twilight said. “Are you a young but unsure student of magic who's setting out to prove herself worthy of her own destiny?” “No?” “Oh, I know! You're a psychologist who's going to teach me a very important lesson about friendship and how I'm only hurting my friends with my turn to the dark side!” “Not that, either.” “So you're … a master of escrima who's going to hit us with a stick until we stop being evil?” “Nope.” “Okay?” Twilight blinked. “If you don't mind my asking, what do you do?” “I'm an administrative assistant.” Manilla Folder said in a very small voice. “Mayor Mare's administrative assistant, to be specific. Or, uh, technically yours now, since you're in charge?” “Oh.” Twilight rubbed at her chin. “I don't remember meeting you before?” “I … don't get out much, to tell the truth. Most of the time I just stay in my office in the basement and try to keep things running as best I can. Mayor Mare does the glad-hoofing and campaigning, and, uh … it's usually up to me to take care of everything else.” “I figured since you keep sayin' you took over Ponyville, ya might as well take care of that end of things.” Applejack nodded, a faint smirk crossing her face. “Oh! Applejack! You shouldn't have!” Twilight jumped down from her throne and swept the cowpony up in a hug. “You're helping me run my nascent empire more efficiently-- looks like you've turned evil after all!” “I dunno if I'd say that.” Applejack said, and pushed Twilight gently but firmly away. “It's just a little paperwork!” Twilight said, trotting happily over towards Manilla Folder. “There's nothing quite like proper and thorough organization. Taking care of this should be a cinch!” She beamed, and then used her magic to open up Manilla's saddlebags. “What's first on the checklist?” She asked, already beginning to cycle through the papers. “Well. Uh. There's not a 'checklist' so much as a list of deadlines.” Manilla Folder managed not to tremble in the presence of the great conquering princess, if barely. “Most of which we've actually missed by this point, so it's more a matter of which ones are the most overdue.” Twilight frowned, and looked up from her reading. “Alright then, what has the biggest priority?” “I … I guess the budget is the best place to start?” “Perfect!” Twilight shuffled through paperwork for a few minutes until she found the proper ledger. “It should be easy to--” She trailed off as she opened the accounting book up. “That … is a lot of red ink.” She sighed. “Okay, so, we just need to balance the town's checkbook, that's all. I mean, I'm an evil overlord, I can demand tribute, right?” “There is a tax structure in place.” Manilla Folder noted. “There's even talks to establish a local sales tax district.” “Oh! Perfect! See Applejack? This is easier than I thought!” Twilight grinned, and then pulled a map of Ponyville out of Manilla's saddlebag. The familiar layout of the town was there-- though with an amorphous, winding blob of red superimposed over it. Twilight studied the districting map for a few long moments, and frowned. “And you say this is the local sales tax district.” Manilla Folder nodded. “But … there aren't any stores in it.” “Well, yes.” Manilla Folder said. “In fact, it looks like someone took the time and effort to draw the lines specifically around every major business in Ponyville.” “The Chamber of Commerce can be, uh … persuasuve.” Manilla Folder murmured. “Oh good.” Rarity looked over Twilight's shoulder. “My boutique's outside of the zone, just like they said it'd be.” “You knew about this?” Twilight turned to her friend. “Not the exact details, but I was aware.” Rarity made an airy little wave of a hoof. “It's a good thing, too, as I expect I'll be getting a lot of orders for capes and such before long. Black is 'in' this season, you know.” “But … it's a tax district that doesn't collect any taxes!” Twilight sputtered. “That doesn't make any sense!” “It's not supposed to.” Manilla Folder added on. “It's politics.” “Don't tell me everything in your saddlebags is that bad.” Twilight rubbed at her eyes. “Of course not.” The harried looking administrative assistant shook her head. “Most of it gets more complicated. The weather contract from Cloudsdale needs re-negotiating, the Sanitation Workers Union is demanding hazard pay to deal with potentially otyugh-infested sewers, and Spoiled Rich has filed a formal complaint against every book in Cheerilee's curriculum.” “That's everything?” Twilight groaned. “Everything that came in this morning.” “Welp!” Applejack beamed. “I reckon I'll just take my folks n' head home now. Looks like you got plenty of work to do, what, with the evil overlordin' and all.” “Just a little paperwork.” Twilight forced a smile. “Nothing I can't deal with.” “That's right, Twilight.” Applejack nodded. “I mean, this is just one town ya gotta deal with. Ain't nothin' for somepony as smart as you are. I bet you could deal with a hundred towns worth a' bureaucratin'! Which you'll prolly have to, iffin' you go ahead and take over all of Equestria.” “Equestria has three hundred and fifty eight royally chartered cities, villages, and townships.” Twilight rattled the figure off with the memorized familiarity of a four-time quiz bowl champion. “Not to mention the various unincorporated municipalities and frontier settlements.” Applejack grinned. “Then again, Miss Folder here's just got the stuff from Ponyville. Can you imagine how much red tape they gotta go through in someplace big n' fancy like Manehattan or Canterlot?” Twilight pursed her suddenly dry lips, and then gathered up the floating paperwork with meticulous care before she slid it back into Manilla Folder's saddlebags. “Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Applejack.” She nodded primly, and then turned to Manilla Folder. Twilight drew herself up a little taller, and flared her wings out, for genuinely imposing effect. “Manilla Folder, I hearby order you to continue fulfilling your duties exactly as you would under Mayor Mare's administration.” “Exactly?” Twilight mused for a moment. “Well … not exactly. You can move out of the basement office, if you like?” Manilla managed a nervous smile, and pushed her glasses further up her nose. “Um. Thank you, Your Highness.” “You're welcome. Go forth and spill red ink in my name.” Twilight folded her wings and smiled a decidedly non-tyrannical smile as Manilla Folder quickly trotted off. The Princess of Friendship (and ostensibly, of evil) turned back to Applejack, looking smug. “See? Delegation. It's a very important leadership skill. So, you see, I won't have to personally attend to an entire empire's worth of paperwork! Once I take over, I'll just allow the established bureaucracy to continue running as it had before.” Applejack facehooved. “If you're gonna do that, what's the point of takin' over anythin' to begin with?” “Oh.” Twilight gasped as the revelatory concept hit her. “You're … you're absolutely right, Applejack.” “I figured you'd say that.” “It would be much more evil to let things go on as they are now! So inefficient. So unorganized.” Twilight shivered in revulsion. “It's just like the old saying: 'All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good ponies to do nothing.' But--” Twilight's words built up speed as the gears turned within her head. “Does that mean I'm a good pony? I mean, if I'm doing nothing, I let evil triumph. Ipso facto, that's an evil act in and of itself … which means that I'm not really good, which means my doing nothing doesn't mean I'm good or evil-- it just means I'm lazy. Doesn't it?” “Snap outta it, Twilight!” Applejack grabbed Twilight by the shoulders and shook her. Hard. “You're one of the best ponies I've ever met! Which is how I know you ain't any good at bein' evil. That goes for the rest of you, too!” Applejack looked over her shoulder at the rest of her friends-turned-henchmares. “Applejack's right, being evil is lame.” Rainbow Dash reached back with one hoof to scratch at herself impolitely. “I think my bad guy outfit is beginning to chafe.” “And these weasels don't really want to rip anypony's flesh, either.” Fluttershy murmured, and gently shut the lid of the basket she was carrying. “Oh, Applejack!” Rarity swooned, and draped herself against the cowpony's side. “You have saved us all, with your bravery and plain-spoken words and ... deliciously toned musculature.” She began to trace one hoof over the curve of Applejack's shoulder. “Rarity.” Applejack whispered. “Ah.” Rarity's cheeks flushed bright red. “Sorry. It's just that wearing all this black lace and silk can get a lady into a mood and--” “Not. Now.” “Later, then?” Rarity said, hopeful. “I guess that's it.” Twilight sat back on her throne, which tilted to the side as one of the boxes it'd been set on began to crumple. “The end of my evil reign. I … I tried so hard, too.” “Ya sure did.” Applejack said. “But tryin's one thing, and doin's another. I mean, I could try all I wanted, but I ain't ever gonna fly around like Rainbow Dash does.” “Whoa.” Rainbow Dash stopped struggling with her evil-suit's zipper for a moment. “That's the most profound thing you've ever said, Applejack. Say it again.” “Actually.” Twilight mused aloud. “There's that transmogrification spell I used on Rarity a few years ago. It might be possible to modify such a spell for speed. Rainbow Dash would still have the advantage of a lifetime's worth of training and instinct, however.” “Damn right I would.” Rainbow Dash kicked her clingy bodystocking of villainy off of her back hooves. “You're missin' the point. Even if you did gimme wings, I wouldn't want 'em.” Applejack shook her head. “I'm a down to earth pony. Literally. Flyin' ain't in my nature-- just like evil ain't in yours. So why don't you get back to doin' the things that you're actually good at?” “But I'm already over analyzing the situation!” Twilight threw her hooves up in the air, and the sudden movement made her throne topple over backwards. “I meant helpin' folk.” “Oh. Right.” Twilight struggled back to her hooves (a process made no easier by her voluminous cape) and managed a wan smile. “I guess I'm good at that too.” “Oh! Oh! Oh!” Pinkie Pie held up one hoof. “So we're all gonna be good guys again, right?” “That's right, Pinkie.” Twilight struggled out of her cape and draped it over her upended throne. “I don't know about you, but I've had enough villainy for a lifetime.” “Yay!” Pinkie Pie flung off her domino mask and black stocking cap. “But, um. One last question.” “What's that?” Twilight canted her head to the side. “If we're good guys now, what am I supposed to do with the moon laser?”