//------------------------------// // Teaching a bitch to use a toilet // Story: Dogged Determination // by kudzuhaiku //------------------------------// Shēdo had a zebra. Or was he a zedbra? Chromium had called him a ‘zedbra,’ which left her with some lingering confusion. She wasn’t doing a very good job as his keeper, because he was already sad and confused. To make matters worse, Limey refused to speak, which was kind of annoying and left Shēdo feeling a bit grumpy. Limey was going to go straight up the backside of something gross. That’d learn him. On two legs, Conifer was just about half of her height. On four legs, they were a bit more equal, but Shēdo was still bigger, having both longer torso and legs. However, on all fours, Conifer was somehow faster, which posed a problem. Shēdo couldn’t have him getting too far ahead, where he might be vulnerable. The little colt was stronger than he looked, able to carry the saddlebags, some blankets, and whatever else he was burdened with. There was a lot of stuff in his saddlebags. The descent into the valley was easy enough, and the pony homestead was in view. Already, she could see tiny ponies in the distance, watching her, and she made no effort to hide herself. She wanted to be seen, she wanted them to know that it was safe. Conifer was now getting a bit too far ahead, so Shēdo rose up to a bipedal stance, which was faster. She moved, swinging her arms for balance, and behind her, her tail wagged the wag of a free, happy dog. Bolero Danver looked mighty surprised to see Shēdo and Conifer. He was even more surprised to learn what was in the cave, and he was saddened by the news of the deaths. The patriarch of the earth pony clan seemed to be quite relieved to know that the dragon was gone, and Shēdo, wise little dog that she was, kept her mouth shut about her ownership of Conifer. What was puzzling to Shēdo was, they didn’t quite seem happy about her return. She didn’t know why, but she suspected that it had something to do with her being the bearer of bad news. Or maybe it was something else, something she was unaware of. For whatever reason, Shēdo did not get the triumphant hero’s return that she had expected. Even worse, it seemed that the earth pony clan wanted her and Conifer gone. There was no invitation to stay, no offers of breakfast, nothing. Rather than bemoan the fact, Shēdo, in silence, made the decision to leave. Her zebra was getting distrustful stares and she didn’t feel welcome. Yep, it was time to go and have a meal elsewhere. It wasn’t hard to say goodbye. Conifer had eaten a few apples that were in his saddlebags and Shēdo knew that she was going to have to do some hunting or fishing if she wanted to eat. The issue was, Conifer was not an ideal hunting partner, because the zebra liked to hum, whistle, or otherwise sing while he walked. As they headed in a general westward direction, at least, Shēdo thought they were going west because the morning sun was behind them, she kept an eye out for rotten logs that might be full of juicy, delicious grubs. “You can’t live with ‘em, you can’t live without ‘em…” Shēdo’s ears perked and she thought that Conifer had a nice voice. “...there’s something irresistible-ish about ‘em! We grin and bear it ‘cause the nights are long… I hope that somethin’ better comes along!” The song was a very silly song and Shēdo only half-listened while she focused on the world around them. There was no road, no trail, just trees, shrubs, and forest. They might be walking uphill, but the grade was so faint that Shēdo couldn’t be certain. There were a million scents in the air and the scent of fall overpowered them all. Winter was on the way and Shēdo had no idea on how to survive it, but that was a problem for another day. Both Conifer and his singing came to an abrupt halt. Shēdo too, halted, and she peered ahead, trying to figure out what she was looking at in the clearing ahead. It was puzzling, and she had no idea what it might be. It was gleaming white and it looked a bit like a chair or a throne. The zebra colt laughed, but it did nothing to ease Shēdo’s growing tension. “It’s a very public toilet!” Conifer announced in a loud voice. What? Head tilting, Shēdo had no idea what a ‘toilet’ was. “Whassat?” “It’s a toilet. The seat part is a bowl full of water and you sit on it so you can poop in it.” “Why you poop in water?” Shēdo asked. “Well… why… I don’t know,” Conifer replied. “Sanitation, I guess? Keeping things clean. When you are done, you flush away your business.” “Pooping in water keeps things clean?” Shēdo was very confused now, and if this was civilisation, she wanted no part of it. “How do you drink water if there is poop in it?” “Well, you don’t drink from a toilet, it’s for pooping and peeing.” Conifer turned his head and looked up at Shēdo’s hulking form just behind him. “That’s dumb!” Shēdo threw out both paws in disgust and then stared at the toilet. “Water kept in clean place and you no drink, you poop in it? That just dumb! Shēdo not too smart, but Shēdo knows that she don’t poop in her drinking water! Dumb! Dumb! Dumb!” “Well, I… uh, suppose there is a different perspective at work.” Conifer’s face contorted in confusion and once more, his head turned, this time towards the very public toilet up ahead in the middle of the clearing. “Anyhow, we should take advantage of the sanitation services being provided.” “You gonna poop in that?” Shēdo asked. Looking a little guilty, Conifer nodded. “Yes. That is what one does with toilets. It isn’t often that I get a chance to indulge in proper sanitation practices.” “Why don’t we drink out of it instead?” “Eeew! That’s yucky! You don’t drink from toilets!” “You no poop in clean water.” The zebra colt let out an exasperated sigh and then began to creep closer, puzzled by the appearance of a toilet out in the middle of nowhere. Of course, this was Equestria, which was full of strange things, including two sapient beings debating the merits of pooping versus drinking from a very public toilet. Just as confused as her zebra, Shēdo followed, moving in a shuffling bipedal gait, her head high as she kept one wary eye on the very public toilet. It was clean, spotless, and a shade of white that Shēdo had never, ever seen before. Her diggy-diggy claws flexed at her sides while she tiptoed forwards, and unbeknownst to her, she had slipped into her natural stealthiness while maintaining her readiness to strike. “One is forced to wonder who made such a very public toilet out here in the wilds,” Conifer said, chattering as he walked ahead of Shēdo, his big, brutish protector. “Though it is very convenient, because I need to go potty.” Now standing next to the very public toilet, the zebra colt paused, smiled, and gave Shēdo a nod. “Look, I’ll show you how this is done so that way, when we’re in someplace civilised, you’ll know what to do.” Grinning, Conifer lifted the lid, his grin vanished while he let out a cry, and he began backing away from the toilet. “Somepony did not flush! How rude! Are those peanuts? I’m pretty sure those are peanuts!” Indeed, there was a huge pile of logs in the gleaming white basin, with brown-green smears along the sides. Shēdo’s ears were attempting some sort of ear-gymnastics, and her jowls quivered with disgust. How could something do this to clean, fresh water? What sort of civilisation did ponies have where they built contraptions to punish, to torture their water with elaborate seats designed for shit-shaming humiliation? What had water ever done to ponies? What irrational hatred was this? One thing was for certain, Shēdo was no longer thirsty. “Time to flush that mess,” Conifer said as he reached up for a gleaming metal lever mounted on the side of the back of the toilet. “Watch, Shēdo, when I pull this lever, the poop will flow away and fresh, clean water will fill the bowl.” “Ugh!” Shēdo facepawed and backed away, repulsed by life itself at this moment. The zebra colt put one hoof on the lever, pushed down, and everything went wrong all at once. There was a rumble, the ground shook, and then gave way. Shēdo, who was quick, grabbed Conifer up in her paws, lept backwards, and ran away as a giant emerged from the earth, roaring out in fury. “It’s a troll!” Conifer cried. “A public toilet troll! No wonder it wasn’t flushed!” The clearing filled with cackling, maniacal, howling laughter and Limey made his presence known. The zebra colt, held in Shēdo’s paws, whimpered in fear. Behind them, the giant troll rose up from his hiding place in the earth, and he had to be a good twenty feet tall. The very public toilet protruded from his head at an angle from the right side. Conifer’s pale magenta eyes were wide with terror. Panting, Shēdo had to keep her zebra safe from the horrors of sanitation, which Shēdo reckoned was a fancy word for water torture. Holding the colt under one arm, she sprinted for the tree line, ignoring the faint numbness that lingered in the left side of her body. Behind her, the public toilet troll ripped a sapling from the ground to use as a club, and he began stomping after his prey. “I don’t need to poop anymore!” Conifer screamed while Shēdo bounded through the trees. Shēdo realised that she couldn’t fight while holding her zebra. To keep him safe, she was going to have to take a risk. Snarling, she put her zebra down and then gave him a powerful smack on his bottom to get him running. The spank of encouragement rang out like a thunderclap and with a kiyi-ing yelp that was more suited to a diamond dog, Conifer took off running. With a growl, Shēdo drew Limey, turned around, and faced the advancing troll, who was blundering through the trees. She was a quarter of his size and she knew that if she wasn’t careful, she was going to be a smashed puddle of puppy pulp on the forest floor. Sword raised, she growled a out a warning. “You no touch zebra!” The troll, not impressed, raised up his club with one arm and then brought it down in a quick, savage blow. Shēdo darted away, sword raised and ready. When the troll began to raise his club, she went running behind him and took a swipe the the giant troll’s legs. Green, sticky sap-like liquid oozed forth, and Shēdo kept moving. Standing still was either death or folly. Rather than run away, Conifer came running back, his orange tongue flapping between his lips as he blew a raspberry at the troll. The colt kept his distance though, and acted as a distraction. Shēdo, moving behind the crouching, hulking troll, took this opportunity to strike. With a fierce howl, she rammed Limey up the troll’s cavernous, quivering crack, burying him hilt deep up the troll’s behind. “Oh stars! The horror!” Limey’s voice was muffled from inside of the troll, and he let out a cry of disgust as the troll howled in pain. “Young lady! That was uncalled for!” The troll, stabbed in his bottom, stood up, and Shēdo yanked her blade out from between the mossy, bark-covered cheeks. It was hard to pull out, the troll’s sap-like blood was sticky as glue, and Shēdo really had to give it everything she had, which was hard to do on an empty stomach. Whirling about, the troll took a swipe at the diamond dog that had just gone in dry, hilt-deep, right up his backside. Limey let out a wordless cry of disgust, a nasal whine that echoed through the trees. Conifer was still running about and blowing raspberries at the troll, whose baleful attention was focused entirely upon Shēdo, who had just doggy-styled upon him. Making a clumsy swipe, the troll might have scored a hit if Shēdo hadn’t parried with her blade, and a yard of the sapling was sheared off. It thumped to the ground behind Shēdo—the diamond dog pup raised her blade, keeping it high and ready for another attack. A troll was a terrifying enemy, difficult to kill, impossibly strong, and too stupid to know fear. It was a good thing that Shēdo was too inexperienced to know what she was getting into. Rushing forward, she stabbed it in the knee, then dove away, tucked, and rolled. Several yards from the troll, Shēdo returned to her paws, stood up, and once more, hunkered into a defensive crouch. The troll was healing, regenerating, and for the first time, Shēdo felt the cold claws of fear digging into her spine. Baring her teeth, Shēdo prepared herself to face the very public toilet troll.