Princess Celestia arrived in the VIP room early – almost too early. Had she appeared a moment sooner, the last of the casino staff might have seen the teleportation flash of her arrival. As it was, she popped into the modestly-sized room close enough to see the door slowly swinging shut behind the last pony to leave for the day.
What the room lacked in grandeur of scale, it more than made up for in sheer opulence. It was the very top room of the casino's main spire, with the gently curving circle of the wall all around rising to a sharp peak high above her head. The whole ceiling glittered with gold leaf that had every appearance of being real. The plush carpeting and magnificent furniture was finished in a rich burgundy, with hardwood gaming tables polished to a lustrous sheen. A wrap-around bar dominated half the room, with a staggering array of crystal bottles arranged behind it. It was enough to make even a princess jealous.
Another flash emanated through the room, this one a blue so dark it was nearly black – Princess Luna had arrived. The Princess of the Night already began walking toward the bar before she noticed her sister was present. Stopping in her tracks, she turned and smiled. “Sister, you came!”
“Of course. Will the others be here soon?”
Princess Luna shrugged. “Soon enough, I imagine. I must admit, I arrived somewhat early, hoping to avail myself of ... some refreshments.”
Glancing over at the bar again, Princess Celestia raised her eyebrows. “Are we allowed to?”
“The casino staff shan't notice, as long as not too much goes missing from any one bottle.”
“Sister!” Princess Celestia snorted in protest. “This is unconscionable.”
But Princess Luna had already made her way to the bar and levitated a couple expensive-looking bottles over to herself. “Lighten up, Sister. This is our fun night; no rule of law here. And besides, though the royal accountants are perennially incapable of proving so, the fact that this casino cheats on their tax filings is an open secret in Canterlot financial circles. Consider this an impromptu rectification of their unpaid tax burden.” She poured a glass and held up the other bottle toward Princess Celestia. “Cheers!”
Princess Celestia scowled as her sister emptied the glass in one deep gulp. “You know I don't drink...”
“Oh well.” With a carefree shrug, Princess Luna took the bottle she'd offered to her sister and instead poured a generous helping of it into her own glass. “More for me, then.”
Thankfully, Princess Celestia was spared from the need to sullenly watch her sister become a drunkard at the casino's expense. Two more flashes lit up the room, one violet and one pink. Princess Cadance and Princess Twilight had arrived.
Princess Twilight's face lit up as soon as she saw Princess Celestia. “Oh my goodness, you actually came! I can't believe it. It's so good to see you!” She ran up and gave her former mentor an un-selfconscious hug, right in front of the other princesses.
Princess Celestia returned the smaller alicorn's hug awkwardly. “It's good to see you, too, Twilight.”
“I told you she'd come,” Princess Cadance said. “Now, enough with the mushy stuff. I came here to play poker, and I'm not leaving until I've won Saddle Arabia.”
Princess Luna set her third glass down on the bar and raised an eyebrow at the Crystal Princess. “We don't even have control over Saddle Arabia – none of us do.”
Undeterred, Princess Cadance trotted gaily over to the most opulent of the poker tables – the one right in the center of the circular room. “Well, I guess the loser will just have to conquer it for me, won't they?”
Princess Twilight broke off from the hug and looked over her shoulder at Princess Cadance. “Ugh. Last time, I was the one who got stuck with that duty. The Buffalo Peoples were not pleased with me. I am definitely not going to lose this time!” She started off toward the gaming tables, with Princess Celestia following close behind. Before they got there, though, she dropped back and walked by Princess Celestia's side. “Do you, ah, need me to teach you the rules? I know you probably don't get out very often, so—”
“That won't be necessary,” Princess Celestia interrupted. “I assure you, I am quite familiar with the game.” Internally she grimaced. Why did nopony think she could play the card game that she invented? Well, she would show them...
* * *
Princess Celestia watched with no small amount of amusement as Princess Twilight worriedly rubbed her face. She could hear the youngest alicorn whispering to herself: “Okay, pull it together, Twilight. So you lost Ponyville. No big deal, you lived there a long time under Celestia's rule. Just win back your own castle, and you can call it a night. You'll win the rest back some other night. Come on, you can do it...”
The other two princesses hadn't fared much better against their new opponent. Princess Cadance had already ceded the snowfields around the Crystal Empire and had committed to conquering Griffonstone in Celestia's name. And even though Princess Luna had been playing conservatively, she'd owe Princess Celestia thirty years of not needing to preside over Grand Galloping Galas and three hundred years of not officiating the tax collector's summit.
Of course, Princess Celestia fully intended to forgive most of her fellow princess's debts once the game was over. Most of them. But for the time being, it was rather entertaining to see their once-cocky expressions turn glum and their once-derisive humor turn bleak. For at least the past hour, she had been the only one of them to give more than a momentary smile – in fact, she was beaming the whole time ... which the others seemed to find insufferable.
Lifting the cards in her golden magic, Princess Celestia dealt out the next hand. “Okay, Twilight,” she teased. “This round is it – I'm getting the elements of harmony back this time.” She knew intimidation was the key to that – so she smiled at Princess Twilight. “You have the first bet... Ante up.”
Princess Twilight's horn flickered, sending a pink glyph out into the middle of the table. “One element of harmony ... Kindness.”
All eyes turned to Princess Luna, who sent out her own small glyph, a dark blue one that was much more complex. “Twelve years of diplomatic envoy duty.”
Princess Twilight shot her a dirty look. “Seems a little light, compared to one of the most powerful magical artifacts in all of Equestria...”
“Diplomatic envoy to Yakyakistan,” Princess Luna specified.
The other three princesses all nodded sagely. That was certainly an equitable wager.
But Princess Luna groaned. “Fie upon all of us, being beaten so badly is depressing. Can no one liven this game up?”
“I'll see your element and your envoy duty, and I'll raise you with majority control over the Equestria Games venue selection committee.” Princess Cadance sent a new glyph out into the middle of the table. “... And if you want things livened up, I could always tell you about my weekend, since it's finally just us girls. There I was, getting my weekly massage in the Crystal spa – from a hunk of a crystal stallion, I might add – and he's getting a bit more touchy-feely than most. When I happen to look down and notice that he's completely hard.” She gave the ponies around the table a conspiratorial glance. “And believe me when I tell you: when a crystal pony gets hard, he gets rock hard.”
Princess Celestia grimaced, completely forgetting to place her own bet. “Oh my goodness! What ever did you do?”
“I jumped on him and had my way with him, of course!” Princess Cadance laughed. “No way I'm letting that meaty of a crystal cock go to waste!”
Covering her mouth with a hoof, Princess Celestia gasped. “B-but ... Shining Armor!”
Both Princess Twilight and Princess Luna burst into laughter. Princess Cadance took a deep swig of pricey bourbon, then leaned in conspiratorially toward Princess Celestia. “Puh-leas. Prince Dopey is nice and all, but I'm the Princess of Love! You can't expect me to limit myself to just one cock in my life – that would be a breach of, of...” She took another gulp. “Of my royal duties ... or something.”
Princess Twilight snorted. “Look at that, Princess of Love, but she doesn't know the first thing about love!” She closed her eyes and leaned back, as if replaying sweet memories. “If I had a stallion as handsome, as caring, as adorably squeezable as Shining Armor, I wouldn't go around town lifting my tail for every stallion that sniffed me...”
“Oh no.” Princess Cadance groaned. “Not again!”
“If I had a stallion as utterly perfect and amazing as Shining Armor, I would treat him right. I would be waiting for him every night, and we'd spend the whole sunset gently kissing on our own private balcony, and as soon as the sun dipped below the horizon, we'd—”
“But – for the last time! – you don't have a stallion like him!” Princess Luna blurted out.
Still with her eyes glazed over in sweet memories, Princess Twilight made a slight keening sound. Her own bottle was nearly empty now. “I almost had... Um, I almost had a stallion like him. We'd spend beautiful evenings together just like I said, and he was so kind and supportive... But then some two-timing hussy came in and swept him up.” She opened her eyes, just barely, and glared across the table at Princess Cadance. “And he's been getting mistreated ever since. It's the greatest tragic romance of all time, I tell you!”
“Enough!” Princess Luna slammed a hoof down on the table, making crystal glasses clink. “Nopony wants to spend all night listening to Twilight Sparkle croon about her 'great lost love'. Let me tell you about this fantastic bat pony guard I have discovered! He—”
“Pfft!” Princess Cadance poked Princess Luna in the ribs. “Can we just skip to the part where you say, 'And it turns out, bat ponies don't just hang from the rafters – they're hung'? We all know how this story ends, and it isn't getting any funnier.”
Princess Luna glared daggers at her. “Well, it is still better than listening to Twilight Sparkle's incestuous—”
“Hey!”
“—I mean interesting story.” Shaking her head, Princess Luna glanced around the table, desperately searching for something to forestall the inevitable rebuttal from Princess Twilight's side of the table. And then she found it. “Sister! Surely you have some wonderful tales of debauchery that none of us have yet grown tired of – please, save us!”
“Me?” Princess Celestia held a hoof over her chest. “Oh, I couldn't!” But all eyes were on her now; they were totally putting her on the spot. “Because, um... A princess doesn't kiss and tell!”
This earned groans from all around the table. Princess Cadance poked her with a wing-tip. “Well, look at miss prissy-pants here. I guess she's won so much that she thinks she's better than us second-rate princesses!”
“Now, now,” Princess Luna said placatingly, “no need to get involved in arguments over who is the best princess. I should know better than anypony that such discussions do not end well.” She looked across the table. “I'm certain my sister didn't mean anything of that sort. She merely has some reticence to work through.”
Even Princess Twilight leaned in toward Princess Celestia. “Come on, tell us! We're all princesses here – nothing to be ashamed of, and I'm sure it couldn’t be worse than some of the things Cadance tells us about!”
It looked like she was stuck with it ... but she could always just make something up... “Okay... Um, um... Yeah, I totally had sex last night.” Princess Celestia glanced around the table nervously. “With, um... With one of my guards! Two of my guards!”
“Ah, scandalous!” Princess Luna said ... rather unfairly; it didn't seem to Princess Celestia that she had any room to talk on the subject, after what she'd been about to say about her night guards.
“What was it like?” Princess Cadance asked. “Come on, we need details – juicy details!”
“It was, um, good.”
“Ugh!” Princess Cadance smacked herself in the face. “Come on!”
Princess Celestia gulped as she looked around the table. Everypony was still entirely focused on her ... if only some interruption could happen and divert their attention, her story would soon be forgotten. But, unfortunately, none came, and she was forced to elaborate. “Well, I was with the, um, two guards, like I said, and one of them was saying, 'Oh yeah, take my penis,' but the other one was already on top of me, doing me with his penis, so I said, 'I can't! The other one already has his penis inside my vagina!'”
A glance around the table showed that her story still wasn't satisfactory. And worse, the other princesses were beginning to look a little skeptical.
She'd just have to make the story better, to really convince them. “And then he said, 'I don't care, I'm going to put my penis in your vagina anyway!' Then he did – he got up with the other one and they both put their penises inside! It was so, um... good.”
Princess Twilight's face scrunched up. “Wait... They were both mounting you, at the same time? How does that even work, physically?”
“Sister, this tale is obviously untrue,” Princess Luna said. “Why ever would you fabricate such an outlandish story? It is unlike you to lie.”
Celestia felt a cold sweat beginning to break out under her fur. “What? No! It's completely true.”
Princess Cadance gasped. “Oh my gosh! I've figured it out... She's a virgin!” She pointed at Celestia. “You are, aren't you?”
“Pfft, not since I was, um... twelve!” Despite all the stress, Celestia did her best to appear nonchalant, waving off Princess Cadance's accusation. “I get tons of penis, all the penis I want.”
One of Princess Cadance's eyebrows slowly rose. “Oh, really. Tell me, then, what does it feel like to hold a stallion's cock in your hooves, hm?”
Celestia's eyes darted all around the table, but neither her sister nor Princess Twilight seemed to offer any relief. They both watched her, intently waiting for her answer.
So she took a deep breath. “It's, um, the best feeling in the world, so long and stiff, um... Like a, um... Like a tree branch!” Saying that almost made her wince, but she forced herself not to – she had a charade to keep up, after all.
Princess Twilight's jaw dropped. “I can't believe it, Cadance is right! You're totally a virgin!”
“No I'm not!” Desperation began to kick in. “Sister, tell them I'm not!”
Princess Luna tapped a hoof to her chin, looking up toward the ceiling. “I never have seen my sister involved with any stallion ... or any mare, for that matter. I always assumed she was simply very private and reserved. But this – this would make sense.”
“How can you do it? How can you survive for over four thousand years without getting any action at all?” Princess Cadance stared at her. “I'm a mess if I have to go without for a week!”
Shaking her head slowly, Princess Luna grinned. “So much about her makes sense now...”
“I'm not a virgin!” Celestia yelled out, jumping away from the table. “Stop saying that!”
“There is nothing to be ashamed of, Sister. At some point all of us—”
Celestia teleported all the way back to her suite in the castle with a single flash, leaving her winnings to fizzle out on the table.
Back in her safe, familiar suite, she jumped down onto her bed and covered her face with her hooves. “Ugh! No! How could I have been so stupid? A tree branch, really? Stupid, stupid Princess! Now I'm never going to hear the end of it!”
She wallowed in her shame and agony for quite some time, but as the night wore on and she grew tired enough to entertain the idea of sleep, she managed to calm down some. “I'm just making a big deal out of nothing,” she assured herself. “They'll probably just laugh it off and we'll forget about it before tomorrow's sunrise.” Her keen inner sense of time told her that was only a couple hours away now ... she'd better get some sleep while she could. Tomorrow would take care of itself.