Chapter 1: Not Quite the Tavern...
(\PoV: John/)
I slowly begin to wake up in my… This is not my bed. There are no blankets. Were am I? I start to get up… Stone floor, walls, and ceiling. And a giant crystaline tree. What. I look down at my… Claws? I look further about myself… Tail, raptor feet, horns, scaly skin… I’m a Deathclaw? That’s… Very, very cool! Of course, If I get my claws on whatever interdimentional demon gave me a Merchant-class costume there really isn’t going to be much left of them. Oi, figments of my imagination, you lot there? Characters of other series that I found amusing and made into figments? Helooo? ...I digress, the Lord has it under control…
So. That happened. I’m now a Deathclaw in what I think is Equestria. I mean, not many universes could have a crystal tree in a cave that just-so-happens to look a little, tiny, mamothine amount like the one from MLP:FiM. Honestly? I’m just more upset that I’m here as a fracking DEATHCLAW. Although that would make me one of those fancy schmancy Displaced people… I digress. I had best start trying to move around, get used to the new-OW! …Height, limbs, and strength. I take a step-GURK! Right, jammed my horns in the ceiling. Okay… I look up at the gray rock and the previously mentioned stuck horns. Thankfully, they don’t seem too stuck in… I lean back and firmly tug the horns out-OOF! …Oh yeah, center of gravity shifted… Oh Lord, please don’t let my spines be stuck in the floor! That would seriously suck.
Thankfully they aren’t, and I’m sitting up as best I can. I’ve scraped a small amount of stone with my claws, and yeesh I gotta be careful with these. They can gouge through stone like a-
"Bowie knife through zombie flesh!"
"SHUT UP RICK!!!"
Ah, there they are. Seriously Richtofen, the Galva’s were better anyhow. I’m glad everyone’s still here, but please keep it down? I’m trying to learn a new body’s controls. Oh, and can someone bring Umbra and Lightning up here? I need to see if we can magic.
"Unlikely, but it would be wise to find some sort of way to test for such a thing first."
Fair enough, just wanted to check. Anywho, welcome to Equestria guys!
"Vait, Vaht?"
Someone get Ricky out of here before he gets ideas, we do NOT need to tick off the Princesses right now. In fact, all of you shut up for now, I want to work out how to deathclaw in relative peace. I carefully stand up, mindful of the low ceiling. Walking isn’t too difficult, and the tail actually helps a heckuva lot with that. Similar to the arms situation; not too difficult and very much like as a human. Really, the only difference is size and strength. Probably agility and stamina too, now that I think about it… Hmm, I wonder how much my diet’s changed? Probably leaning towards a more carniv-“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!” Eardrums… Dead… Of all the-“DEMON!!!” …Overuse of extreme C.R.V. could only mean one pony… I turn to the cave’s mouth to-OSHITALICORNWITHAVERYSHARPSWORD!
I very quickly duck under the shortsword-‘TINK!’ …There was a second sword. Emphasis on was. Curious, I look to my chest where the sword should have hit. By the way, OW. Sitting on the cave floor is a sword looking much like a… Stock-standard steel sword from TES IV Oblivion? Seriously, the thing doesn’t even look enchanted! Why would an alicorn, a god-like being in charge of a country be using your standard, likely-looted, adventurer’s steel sword? …No… But maybe, just maybe…
I look from the nearly-destroyed sword to the… Average-pony-sized, dark blue, female earth pony with gray cloak, midnight-blue mane, and emerald eyes… Which happen to have no small amount of fear in them. Yeesh, I know that I’m not quite the safest looking creature around but really? ‘Demon’?
I sigh-Well, let out a long, low breath in a tone I hope is at least somewhat unthreatening-and just march deeper into the cave. I really hate it when people are scared of me. I’d never hurt a fly! I mean, I understand that I’m not exactly an unintimidating person, (even before becoming a ‘claw!) but still!
Suddenly, a wave of warmth washes over me. It’s… Comforting, and warm as the sun on one’s back… Wait… I turn my head back, and sure enough a white female unicorn with a pink mane is standing there in rusty iron plate, horn smoking, and well-used iron warhammer in her magical grip. Her magenta eyes wide with anger, shock, confusion, and fear… Likely for her sister. Undoubtedly, she just cast a Holy spell meant to cause pain to demonic creatures. I’m not really surprised…
"But it still stinks like a Nordic Tomb."
Aye, well said Merlinius Dovahkiin. Well fracking said. I simply sigh again, slump my shoulders, and head further back into the cave. It’s surprisingly not that dark… Or is it just improved night vision? A mixture of both? Who cares? Wait, what’s that there on the ground?
I turn my head down to see… My RCA Tablet-Laptop-Thing? It looks like its been resized to fit my claws… In the wise words of the great warmage Firebrand; “Convenient.” Almost too convenient…
Nonetheless, I pick it up and hold it in my hand to more closely examine it. It’s still the same black with RCA lightly engraved in the center of it. I open it up to see that yes, the keys too had been resized. The screen was blank, but I hadn’t-
“What do you think that… thing is doing here Celly?”
“I know not, Rogue. Perhaps ‘twas placed here by foul Tirek to halt me from attaining my goal.”
Huh. So… Celestia was the one with the medieval speech thing back then… Well now… And… Not sisters? Huh. THAT’S something the Fanfic’s never mentioned… Oh well, can’t get everything right. “Oh please, you Paladins are so uptight all the time! And forgive me, O Glorious Protector, if I didn’t notice you were bound on that cart beside me!”
I glance back at the two to see Luna right up in Celestia’s face with a scowl. Celestia huffs and turns her nose up. “Well, at least I have honor, Thief. And clearly it was a mistake on the part of the military on my arrest.”
“Hah! I doubt that, those were Apples surrounding the cart! Their entire family can detect any kind of falsehood from a league away!”
Celestia gives a small grin. “Which is why thou decided to make use of thine illusory abilities around them?”
Luna sputters. “Well-I-What else did I have?! The idiots forgot to put one of those damn suppressors on me and I’m a perfectly capable Illusionist, thank-you-very-much! And YOU tried to dodge MY question!”
"Heh, this is kinda funny. Like lookin’ at Iron, Warden, and me in an argument!"
And doubly annoying because I can’t force them to shut up! Well, technically we could with the right spell; but One, that’s flat-out wrong. Two; we don’t even know basic magic-
"Actually, there’s this thing labeled ‘All Things Magic’ near the Cheese Emporium."
Ah, thank you Merlinius Sheogorath. What do we have?
"Looks like a couple o’ Resto-spells, some specially-tailored elemental claw attacks, and… Holy Pepperjack!"
What? Restoration spells and what? We need to hurry this along before the Author switches perspectives!
"Why, it’s-"
“MINE PLOT IS NOT FAT! THINE’S IS!”
“NO, YOUR’S IS!”
“IS NOT!”
“IS TOO!”
Oh Sweet Jesus, my ears! …Wait, what’s the reptile ear-thing on the side of their heads? Doesn’t matter, it’s probably blasted. But seriously, enough’s enough! “WILL YOU TWO PLEASE BE SILENT?!” …Okay, so apparently I can speak English… Equish..? Blame magic? No, wait, let’s just leave it up to God watching out for us.
"Agreed."
God thanked for completely nonsensical yet very convenient ability then. Also, a deathclaw’s roar is equivalent to the C.R.V.. We will be making use of this.
The two ponies who were just before about to murder each other are suddenly in eachother’s… Forelimbs? Yeah, that sounds about right. And are staring fearfully at me… Again. I sigh, (I’ll be doing that often, won’t I?) “If you don’t mind, I just woke up. I don’t appreciate two very loud females arguing about the issue of the fatty tissue to muscular tissue ratio of their hindquarters being the first thing I hear… Along with calling me something that I am not, even if I must admit that I look much like the stereotypical demon.”
They seem to have calmed down, (and Luna gives a sheepish smile.)… But they also appear to be very, very confused. I likely would be too, if I came across something very un… Pony-like? No, very draconic, there we go, being that articulate and polite… They’re still in each-other’s forelimbs though… Oh, I’ll leave them. Besides if one spends more time in the embrace of another, relations between the two usually improve. Anyhow, best introduce myself.
“Forgive me for being impolite, my name is Johnathan Dreadscale.” They stiffen at my last name. “Oh be still, it’s more of an ironical name than a true one,” I light up a Healing Hands spell in my left claw, (the one without my tablet in it,) “Considering that I happen to be a fairly good healer.”
"Liar."
And what, pray tell, is our current skill level in Restoration, Warden?
"…Thirty…"
Huh, thought it’d be twenty-five. Sheo!
"Yeeeeeeeeeees?"
Why didn’t you mention that before?
"‘Cause you didn’t ask, ya crab-head."
…Fair enough. Ridiculously high starting Restoration aside, Luna and Celestia seem to have calmed down more… Then they suddenly realize that they’re holding eachother. Luna yips and… Melts into shadows and reappears on the other side of the cave. Definitely a rogue. Celestia on the other hoof seems to have bluescreen’d in startled shock. I chucle-or at least try to sound like I am (it's more like a hiccuping growl)-and shake my head. I know where this is going. I've read too much fanficion not to. Author, kindly go-