//------------------------------// // There's a party here in Equestria~ // Story: The Elements... And Me // by Doood //------------------------------// Chapter 17: I closed the diary and set it aside, glad I got another page done for the works. Most of the time, I don't normally do them because it's high time in the morning. But I decided to do something right before breakfast. Just to spice it up. I keep these journals just in case something happens to me and somebody - whoever that poor unfortunate soul may be - can read about who I am. And of course I keep them because I like to read back and laugh about how idiotic my actions were. Like for example, meeting Celestia for the first time. Honestly one of the most disheartening times I've spent on a non-human country. Or Canterlot! It was there I met Rig for the first time. Or the moment I was assaulted by Celestia's guards! Oh? Did you honestly think I would forget about the three knuckleheads that broke my goddamn spine?! Yeah, I about forgot them. They didn't really stick out as the main-character(y) kind of ponies. Anyways, yesterday was an exhausting experience, and my hope for a better today was slowly dropping. My usual resistance for stressful situations, would to be hooking up with a good buddy of mine. And to clarify, he wasn't exactly a ‘buddy’, but he knew people who knew other people, who tend to help me out when I need it. We did normal things. Drinking, talking, messin’ stuff up - shooting some breeze (which the drift, if you get it, is for real) and falling flat on our asses to wake up in a puddle of piss. Unfortunately, there isn't any alcoholic beverages here other than Applejack’s cider, I ran out of my cigarettes a while back, there's a threat of chaos looming over my head, and I'd rather not get intimate with a fucking pony. Talking with them face to face is okay, but if my osh-kosh is involved, that's a bit too far. And then there's what I've named above. That's my stress right now. Not to mention, what I left back home. Work, money, a few of my belongings. All because I've gone cold turkey for a few days… Welcome to being a non-smoker. I stood up and clicked off the lamp to my desk. Twilight had decided to give me one since I did my own work from time to time. Since then, I've tried to keep myself busy in my own kind of way. I got a whole line of sheets detailing teleportation, and how magic worked. Been trying to figure out how two plus three equaled a unicorn. Haven't made much success. I figured out the spell though, and boy is it a doozy. So, consider a tunnel - of which has an exit, and an entrance depending on which side you're on. The inside is all dark, and the different sides both have different environments. Now, said tunnel has gates on both sides blocking the traverse effect for someone to go inside. Said person had to have a key to open both gates, travel through, and come out the other side. So let's say that that person we talked about, is on the other side. Just for grinning and giggling. But the gates have a timer on them. And the key has a limited number of uses. So, whatever reason that person has doing on the other side, that's great and all, but they have a few moments to do what they need to do before the gates close, and that's it. The spell Twilight used, was an exploration spell. The thing allows someone to go and view a place of interest. It doesn't actually have a name because the pony who created the scroll, died while casting it. The magic consumption drained him of his life, not before he cast the spell though. So, that means that there was a dead unicorn somewhere at one time. Creepy. Anyway, Twilight was able to cast it with the help of her friends, and the Elements of Harmony. And since they were all together, they had no problem doing what needed to be done. My question for Twilight though, was why she wanted to cast this kind of spell anyway, knowing that the risks were vastly great. Both she and Rarity’s response was, ‘Magic is an occupational hazard. Whatever happens, happens.’ So basically, fuck it, it looks like a cool spell. Well, when she casted the spell, I concurred unfortunately, that Twilight and friends Immediately regretted their decision. They landed in my home, having come from Equestria, and then, they wanted to go back. However, you can't just expect things to go smoothly. They didn't expect me, thus shit got real in ten seconds flat - which - is a phrase used by the brash pegasus who thought tying me up in my own house was a good idea. LOOK WHERE THAT GOT US. In short, when Twilight bipped her boppity, it was the last moments of the spell. Meaning she couldn't bring me back through the gate again because the key broke. Then I passed out on a roof, and each of the ponies ended up in the last place they were in. Twilight's treehouse. Out of concern, and sorrow, Twilight had even given me the scroll in it's now useless state. Burned, and riddled with holes. So I have a burnt all to hell scroll. Pissed, didn't even begin to describe. My conclusion, to cope with this, was to just give the finger to everybody until the day I die. It'd be something hella awesome to put on my tombstone. Moving on! Amongst those papers of how, ‘Magic is as magic does…’, and like I said before, I've also been reading on magic itself. So every time I tuck myself in, I try to read up on some of the books in Twilight's tree. Some of them have led me to a specific number of books that seem quirky. That little quirkiness turns into a full-blown fascination as I read. It's like reading a whole Harry Potter series in one go! But the books go blank after a few chapters. Like as in, the author stopped writing. I questioned the landpony, Twilight, and she answered me with, “That's the part of magic we don't know about.” So even though they use magic twenty-four-seven, have been using it for years, they still have a lot to learn. Which makes me fear about how much untapped potential is in a unicorn. Or even an Earth-Pony. My favorite thing, that laid on my desk, was a letter from the ever encourageable Shining Armor. Great guy. Honestly one of the more charismatic peeps’ when he wants you to keep a fucking secret. He sent me it just a day ago, with Derpy - also, a papercut - and it detailed his worried feeling about an upcoming event which was literally two days from now. I'd write down what he said, but the premise was basically him being a whiney bitch and his fear of his wedding being ruined. How on the absolute earth, would a wedding be ruined?! On top of that, WHY DIDN'T HE TELL ME HE WAS GETTING MARRIED SOONER?! I probably should've seen it when Cadence and him smooched it all the fuck up in the ballroom. Twas a very cock-blocky moment for me as I simply watched in jealousy. (And for the dirty minds, No, I didn't mean it as in he was kissing Cadence and I wasn't. Eugh…) But to bring it up as if it were something you'd read on fucking fine print? I can tell you this, Twilight is going to be pissed when she hears about it, and I will not be the one shot for being the messenger. He also said that he tried to talk to Celestia again about the whole incident in the alleyway. Y’know. The one thing with the weird bug? I do remember that, and no, I don't want to try and think of what that poor man - I mean pony - is going through. Let alone what the hell is going on in that shop. Regardless, the rest of the letter were a few ending words, and a caption that stated he wanted me to try and write him back. I did, needless to say, and put my own two-cents in. He should be receiving it anytime now. What I said, shall be confirmed on a later note. Right now, it was getting chilly, and being commando wasn't helping. I pushed in my chair and turned to clothe myself in spite of the sudden urge to shit. It was then my eyes rolled, and I let out a long sigh. Clothing myself would have to unfortunately wait. First, the shit train must arrive at the Toilet station. Ever have that moment though? You wake up and bam!! You gotta shit? Yeah, fun times. But my situation was dire, considering it was getting lighter outside, Spike was cooking... did I really want to bare-ball and strut my naked self down the stairs? I couldn't possibly blind anybody, or give the indignation of osh-kosh making an appearance! ...It's a pony-world… No rules for saying I couldn’t. So, yes I could. Most of my thoughts end up with me doing some stupid crap, like actually free-balling my naked ass down the stairs. It wasn't much of a choice though, as I did have to poop. There are other times I will question my actions, but as of now, we are talking about the greater good. Yawning, I opened the door and scratched the stubble on my chin. Light poured from the window when I left the room open. Left it like that so I didn't have to waste time re-opening the piece of wood when I returned. As I clambered down the stairway tiredly, I spotted Twilight out of the corner of my eye stacking books. Good. Makes my life a lot less embarrassing. Last thing I needed was for a nerdy bookworm to spot a somethin-somethin that'd make her a bit less knowledgeable. Spike was in the kitchen cooking some deviled eggs most likely, judging from the smell and noise of sizzling eggies. Ever since I showed him how to make them, and with the steady supply from Fluttershy, we've been having some of the most delectable eggs this side of Ponyville. Oh my god I will never say that again. I rested a hand on the railway and breathed in deeply. Just had to make it from point A, to point B with little interference from the outside world. And because I didn't have my phone with me, (Not that it would be any useful…) In my mind, I played the ever famous NASA launch music as I stepped in rhythm to the beat. Which, for those of you who don't know, is the classical; Flight of the Valkyries. After a few seconds, I ended up thinking it was the best idea ever since I flicked Dash off that one day. That was also the day I learned that she had a very heavy crush on the one some know as, Spitfire. Awkward. I made it to the bottom of the steps without any problem and stretched, then proceeded to scratch my chest. It itched. Fuck off. The bathroom was next to the kitchen, right behind Twilight's couch. And if my luck held, I could slip in and slip out. Well I must've had shitty luck considering the pun and how Twilight turned to actually grab a book instead of using her magicks. So, the situation then, was dire. Houston, we have a problem. Warnings set off like firecrackers in my head, shooting left and right as some sort of crew kept yelling at one another to force me to correctly pronounce English. It's like this world is out to get me…. I'm not exactly going down easy, but I'm sure as hell not going down without some sort of fight. Beyond that, I don't believe Twilight has seen me without clothing. Although she did ask why I wore it all the time, didn't give her an answer because I saw no reason to. Really, it wasn't an odd assessment of her brain power because from time to time, even Twilight wore attire. She didn't believe me when I said that if I were to take my clothes off, I wouldn't be able to hide what I had. Then she asked what I had, and it got awkward really, really fast. So she dropped the subject, and I was able to go on with life as if it never happened. That is until now. So because of facts like, I wasn't a pony. It meant some things stuck out, and that overall flattened my mood. It didn't help though, that the sudden appearance of me, pale-ass naked caused one of us to blush madly. Wasn’t the obvious, as Twilight lit up like a Christmas tree. So then It meant the imminent destruction of the others brain cells as her wheels turned to fire in her head. So while she thought incredibly dirty and virile thoughts, I picked up a pathetic looking washcloth that she used to clean her glasses that just so happened to be right to me, and put it safely above the crotchal region. “I'm assuming this is your first time. So I will let this slide.” It would be kinda funny if it wasn’t, and secretly Twilight was some kind off hustler. I'd totally respect, but at the same time, be worried because of that. So yeah, With the censored portion of this teen rated sketch obscured, Twilight said quickly, “Is that what you were talking about when you said, ‘You hung loose?’” Good god, what is it with the dick jokes this entry? Do I have to spell it out for some people? “Yes, Twilight. This is what I meant when I said w- could you- COULD YOU STOP LOOKING AT HIM?!” Twilight averted her gaze to, chest level, and scrunched her neck, “So it's alive?” Trying not to find humor at the fact that I just showed myself to yet another one of these animals, I shook my head, “No. And before you go all Twenty Questions, If you want to know more about it, why don't you ask Macintosh?” Twilight stuttered, “A-a-ask Mac?! How absurd Tick, you realize he doesn't even speak?! He- He barely speaks about his family!!” I scoffed and batted at the small dust particles that float around in the morning, “Meh, the dude's a big ol’ softy. Matter of fact, he and I recently discussed the open theory of evolution.” Twilight grew wide-eyed, “Really?” “Yes, it was really a-OF COURSE NOT. THE FUCK YOU THINK WE TALKED ABOUT?!” Twilight struggled to find an answer, “I- duh- um… Apples?” I threw a hand out, “YES. APPLES. HE WOULD NOT SHUT UP ABOUT THEM.” Twilight stepped back, “Oh well… I had no idea Tick, I'm sorry.” I nodded, “You should be. Considering the guy seems more sensible to speak about other things, he used his vocabulary to reenact a war between himself, and apples.” I held my temples, “I lost the fight.” Twilight blinked, “And this has to do with your extremities why?” “Well if you must know-” I began, taking the time to add in a dramatic effect, “Mac would know about size and how it matters due to his thing being waaaaaaayyyyy to-...” The emphasis was me using a proportion that was just about two feet long, which was depressing. Vietnam Flashbacks… The guy… He just… Random Dick… I stopped and rubbed my face, “Let's just keep this PG… Okay? We both kinda wanted to get angry at one another, but we both had some sort of dirt now. And me seeing the thing in action loosened his resolve to stay quiet. Wanted to show off; the fucking bastard…” Twilight gasped, “Really?! You saw it?!!” She rubbed her muzzle, “What else happened?” I rubbed my neck, “Well… We sorta engaged in a lengthy conversation that brooded the topic of love?” Twilight leaned closer, “And?” Good god, miss nosey. Flatbrowing, I pointed and admitted slowly, “He’s into apples, and digs Fluttershy in a, male to female kinda way.” Boom. Plot twist. Twilight gasped way to fast, way to loudly, “GOOD CELESTIA.” “I know right? I said the same thing, except I replaced Celestia with my god, and a pinky up his eyeball.” We're on good terms though. I did, however, show him what was what when I confronted him. Wasn't going to appear as the lil’ bitch. Otherwise I'd hafta bust a cap in his ass. But the story about the dicks, started when Mac and I bumped into each other as I precariously traversed Apple Orchards to get to the nature trail Applejack told me about. It just so happened, as I was admiring the sights, sounds and what have you, that I turned a tree to find the guy jerking off. And I fucking stared at him while he did it!! And he stared at me!!!! What the hell did you expect me to do? Flipping - slap my knee, laugh and turn around?! I WAS TRAUMATIZED. THE DUDE'S DICK WAS BIGGER THAN MY ARM!! And then, out of all the thoughts I could possibly think of, was how he even pleased himself when he didn't have any hands!! Dirty, dirty mind! It was officially, the most strangest encounter with Mac I've ever had. And now, I'm forced friends with him because I witnessed the dude nut all over his well grown apples. AND I DON'T MEAN THOSE KINDA APPLES. ...sO NEVER A-FUCKING-GAIN WILL I EAT THEM APPLES. THEY ARE TAINTED!!! With my work now officially tallied, I smirked evilly to myself and turned to go shit. See what I mean by how my mood is dropping? And by how I said yesterday was exhausting? Equestria takes so much energy out of my life, that it is a reference to stealing. Again, I am sorry for assaulting your minds with subliminal messages. Most likely the image of Big Mac staring at me with his dick-in-hand will be burned in your brains for eternities to come. For it is melded into mine like my name. (-Tick 2018) Equestria in general is just a whole flustercuck of random ponies and various mythological tuckfards who think they're the superior to everyone else. If I'd any say in it, then there would be rules, boundaries, and a leash on dragons. Just in case. Now about me using the restroom… As fate would have it, Spike was behind me with a plate full of food. Awkward. He also thought it would be a good idea to not announce his presence. Retarded. This is where Spike was wrong. Quite. See, Spike didn't expect me to wheel around so fast. So this meant that the both of us couldn't react fast enough to what happened. Most likely, it shouldn't have happened altogether! It's just something down the line of the Butterfly Effect, did this unforgettable moment occur. Maybe I should've clothed myself. Then I wouldn't have had the talk with Twilight. Then I would've harmlessly used the restroom. But I had to undress myself because it was my ritual for waking up. Starting the day with no clothing. So! Although I had my Osh-kosh covered with that pathetic washcloth, it didn't hamper the movement of the arc, nor did it delay the speed of which it was traveling. It actually happened in slow-motion, and made the loudest sound possible when it slapped against the poor little guy's face. The worst part? Spike was yawning. O.o.O.o.O “Oh. Let me guess.” I flicked my eyes from the newspaper I had collected as Mr. Cake's voice suddenly assaulted my ear canals, “You’ll have a cherry?” Alright. So let's say I ran away from Twilight in a ball of screams and pleas for mercy. Let's also say, that Spike is very mad at me, and wishes to chop my third leg off and use it as a new lawn sprinkler. Ew. And yet, it's his fault for just being there. Just blame it on me, right? Seems sooooo easy to do it like that when I'm not cursing or throwing something your way... Gawd… Anyway, Yeah, thats my regular when I'm in here, Sugarcube Corner. I decided to just lay low for a bit after the little incursion with my landlords. On a higher note, and if it weren't already obvious, I liked cherry sodas. It wasn't obitual of me to wish for another kind of drink, because my favorite everything was Cherry. And I've been around Ponyville a couple of times now, and for some reason, Sugarcube corner was the only place that sold my favorite beverage. And because of my condition, being the only human and all, Celestia was able to persuade Mr and Mr Cake to allow me to drink fo’ free. BOO-YAH. But the Cakes didn't exactly like me because of it. They thought it was putting a negative effect on their business, and now we were sworn enemies… All because of a discount of a lifetime… I turned towards him and laughed as though he had got me, “Oh-ho… Mister C. Haha… good one. Oh~.” I flatbrowed, “No, actually I'll have a grape.” Mr. Cake and his underbite grinned… Somehow, “Daring today aren't we.” “Quite.” M.C (his nickname) turned to go into his ‘drink making room’, leaving me all by my lonesome in the front with a bunch of the town folks I couldn't make heads or tails over. There was a fella who was snoring in the far right corner, a napkin still in -hand. And on the other side of me, were a couple, who thought that if they hugged lips, then I would look away. It worked. When I heard the door close, I sighed through my nostrils and tried to find something to do. I knew that Cake would take his time, because in retrospect, it was just me who was ordering something, so he didn't have to work that hard to do much. Normally, this would be the moment I would start calling for Pinkie. She worked here, and that meant I would have somebody to talk to. Today, however, was her day off. She and the girls were having a picnic out at the park today, according to Twilight, and that in celebration of Fluttershy's good health, have invited me to come by. I will gladly go, if some of them promise not to strangle me. Dammit… Why out of all days, must Pinkie not work… Okay, you know what, time for some fucking around. I rustled my jimmies in search of that crystal ball Spitfire had given me. As I hefted it out of my green pants, I was able to glance at it in a light that was newer. Twas a spherical mass that weighed about the same weight of a tennis ball almost, clear, see through, looked like it could cause a concussion if thrown right… But at the same time, I realized that it was just a fucking ball made of glass, and it held no numerical value other than being able to poof my ass into the Throne room. In Canterlot. The thing was like a Ninja Gaiden teleportation ball. Which wuz pretty sweet. Pretty sure though, that I'd have no use for it. It's not like I'm getting into trouble 24/7. But since it is Equestria, and so far the only trouble I've gotten in is with Celestia herself, I feel as though it might come in handy later on if the Chaotic elements show up. Don't think I haven't forgotten about them. Or better yet, nor have the Elements of Harmony. We as a group haven't gone on lockdown, but the recent debacle with Fluttershy has brought up some questions that have been left unanswered. Mainly, them being if one of the Chaotic Elements decided to mess with her. And if they did… Hooooooooooooo boy. Empty threats. I probably wouldn't even be able to touch them. It'd be like watching a rat take on a tiger. In which, I'm pretty sure the tiger would win because, come on. It's a tiger. Mister C popped back in after around a minute or so, and plopped down both a cherry and grape soda. He smiled and gestured towards them, falsifying his tone in the most sarcastic of ways possible, “Enjoy.” Eugh… I could taste his hate… tasted like baby wipes and toiletry. “Why two?” Mister C kinda looked at me weird, casting his overlarge face to the side, “Two what? Drinks?” I laughed on the side and decided to cover up all this before he saw what he did, “You know what, forget it. Thanks Cake!” #Hallelujah. But then he saw the mishap, “Ah, apologies, I must've gotten your order mixed up.” I argued, “Pfft, Nah, I ordered two.” But I did have to admit the odness. Seeing how it was was me, a pony asleep in the corner, and a couple smooching it up over by the door. Cake was trippin’! Did he still have a few of the Equestrian Pot Muffins? Aw - he didn't even get the order correct! Half-ass bull honky. It wasn't grape soda, it was Black Licorice!! I HATE THAT STUFF. “Look Cake, if you hate me you can just go ahead and say it...” Sneering, I tilted the cup away and gagged when the smell hit my nose. God… It just smelled like butts and… dead people. “Cake?” Odd. Cake usually responds with a remark. Then we keep going and going until his wife breaks us up. I was going to ask why he was being silent, but a sudden chill went up my spine, forcing me to blink. Did it just get colder? Because if it did, someone please, call Ghost Rider. I am not getting the life sucked from me. It was like being under an air vent without you knowing. One moment, it's nice and cool. The next, a blast of the cold air sweeps down your neck like a tsunami on steroids. I looked away from the demonic drink and tried telling Cake to shut the door. I mean, it's his shop right? So that's what I did, “Dude, is your door open?” I paused after saying that, taking a few moments to glance about the area. Immediately, I noticed that there were a few things off. Like way off. Mister Cake had fallen asleep for one, and had taken his hooves and slept right where he was standing. I knew this, because the guy was snoring up a storm and his head hung low like he'd gotten in trouble and was trying to say sorry. The next few things were less trivial, like the couple that was kissing were frozen on the spot, and of course that guy who was in the corner asleep, wasn't there anymore. I scratched my chin, and waved my hand in front of Cake's face, “Hello? Yoo-hoo. Cakeeeeee~. I'm stealing your children?” I hoped the last part would wake him up, but alas, it didn't. “Oh Black Licorice! My favorite.” I actually jumped out of my seat, the fucks legitimately scared from me. Whose voice could be that deep, scratchy and menacing, to scare the living daylights out of me, during a morning day? It was a stallion. Tall, Black coat, brown mane, a hunger crippled frame, yellow eyes. I know it wasn't A Christmas Story, but yellow eyes mean bad omens. And I totally mean that. Derpy is a bad omen. Occasionally. This guy picks the drink up without the use of his skinny hooves, and takes a large sip. The next thing I notice, was the fact, that he was not a unicorn. So questions began piling up. How he was able to pick the drink up without magic being my main priority, rather than the ponies that were frozen on spot. Aside from Mister Cake of course. He was asleep. After exclaiming how delicious his drink was in a manner of exhaling rapidly, the stallion begat my attention by taking a seat right next to mine, “I am a fan of this flavor. Black Licorice is just so delectable! Do you know why?” Oh… Shit. He was uh… He was asking me the question. I sneered casually, “Because it describes your personality?” He tapped his muzzle, “Mmmm - Close. See, I was there when the first pony ate licorice, it was unsweetened, herbal, and simply divine! The next thing you know, ponies near and far are eating this wonderful herb - but little do they know of the consequences that lurked beneath the surface.” He eyed me again, “Do you know what those consequences were?” I coughed, “Judging from the way the conversation is going, I'm gonna phone a friend and say; Death?” The stallion practically gagged on the demon drink, “Oh, good heavens no!” Wiping his mouth, he corrected me, “Overconsumption of the herb caused hallucinations that led to their deaths.” I blinked, “Good lord you're a bundle of joy.” He smiled, “Happy memories, all in the past. But, who cares about me!? I presume you are the one almost everyone is talking about. Tick, as they would put it. The, human!” The guy laughed, “Y'know, you're gaining quite the reputation - From your musical inclination, to appearing with Sir Shining Armor.” He slapped the counter, “Captain of the Royal Guard.” God I hated his voice. Sounded like… John Goodman mixed with a mafia grandfather. As I stood there like an idiot, he took another sip from his nasty drink, “A good friend to pocket. It would be best to keep him as such.” I blinked, and immediately became quite irritated with this pony's attitude. Not angry towards how he knew about me, cause that isn't new, but how stuck up he was portraying it. So yeah, I kinda grew more and more nonchalant as he spoke. “Well where are my manners? I do believe I've forgotten to introduce myself,” He stuck a hoof out, “Fear. At your service.” Okay. Let's just, ease back here. Fear. The Fear? The chaotic element Fear? I mean, give the man - pony - an Oscar for looking the part, but… I'm not to sure this guy is all the right in his head. I chuckled briefly, moving forward to take the seat I had been in before this jokester popped up, “Okay buddy. Whatever you say. Just cause you know a few things, look like a lawnmower tried to kill you and instead gave you a haircut, doesn't make you all high and mighty. But your height kinda does, kudos for effort.” As sarcastic as I had tried to have been, Fear took it in stride, wheeling in his seat so that he was facing Mister Cake. We both sat in an awkward silence as the snores of the three ponies who littered the room greeted the store. As he chugged a large part of the drink, I couldn't help but think that maybe it was Fear, who… Well maybe he did try to mess with Fluttershy. Speculation. But the criteria fits the bill. Fear sighed through his nostrils and leaned forward over the counter. My mind was preoccupied with a game, so I wouldn't have seen what he did. However, it didn't mean I was blind to his efforts. So that means I don't know how to explain this next part as he… Well, he poked Cake, and Cake sorta… Spasmed out. It looked like he was having some sort rave party that used every section of his body, but I didn't take a good look at it, as I was paying attention to the newspaper the store normally had. Turns out, the crossword puzzles Equestria had were similar to that of our own! Go figure. “I take that as a compliment. Although, I have been incognito for a change, it is nice to hear that I haven't lost my stature.” He said after watching the scene take place with his yellow glare. I took a drag of my drink whilst setting the newspaper down, “You are a prideful sumbitch. You know that?” Fear nodded, dropping the accent rather quickly, “Yeah, I do. Get any cool vibes from it?” I shrugged, “Other than me shitting my pants when you tried talking, nah. You bored the hell outta me when you monologued me to death.” Fear waved his hooves, “What is it with people downgrading my monologues? They're like, my favorite thing about being me! Did you even see the thing I did a moment ago?” I pointed and raised a brow, “I’m just saying, monologuing was meant for Shakespearian time, here and now, if you do that shit, means you’re getting a fresh slap upside the head. And no, I didn't see what you did, and I would ask that you not do it again. Nobody likes a dude who praises himself.” “I wasn't praising myself!” “You kinda were.” Fear scoffed and went back to sipping. After he finished, which he annoyed me with the slurps of an empty cup, Fear prodded my side, “You at least recognize what I can do?” I sighed, I do see what he can do. Freezing ponies in place, making them rave dance, liking black licorice? “Well you could be something I should worry about.” Which was rather strange. Here I am, having a conversation with a chaotic element. The, El Devil, and least favorite of all people. I also questioned my sanity when I chatted with Pride. And if this became a usual thing, in where I talk to virile, voracious villains, then we might have an awkward problem on our hands. Fear nodded, “True. But let's drop the subject for now. The main reason I wanted to spot you… Other than actually speaking to another Human, is about an upcoming event.” He raised a brow, “I've no doubt that you've received a letter from the ever courteous - Shining Armor.” I blinked, “Maybe.” Wait. Did he say, another? “Within the letter contained detailed specifics about a very special day.” I grew stern, “Maybe.” “Which also paints that he wants you to be there, on said special day.” I nodded, “Maybe.” Fear leaned on the counter with his drink in hoof. He eyed me with yellow intent, and continued his mind reading rampage, “I advise you to attend that event, Tick. Not because I want you to, because I don't, its just that we've been getting little sights and sounds that’ve echoed before your time. Goes to show that some things never stay extinct.” I raised a brow, “Meaning?” Fear shrugged, “Meaning we want you to go.” I crossed my arms, “No.” “Oh come on. It'll be fine.” “No. You're eeeeeeevvvvveeeiiilllll.” “And?” “Being evil means traps, and I'm no Admiral, but this sounds like one.” “If it was a trap, we would've sent Deception to speak with you.” I wiggled my fingers mystically, “OOOOOHH, So it is a trap!” Fear looked confused, “What? N- no, I just said we woul-” I sniffed and turned away, “It’s a trap.” “No I-” “It’s. A trap.” “...Can I finish-” “It's a Claptrap.” “What?” “Heeeellloooo Travelers!~” “Tick.” I yelled, “IT'S A TRAP.” I added emphasis by slamming my fists down on the table. Cups went flying. “... If you do that, one more time.” He gazed at me with impatience, all the while I let out a couple of suppressed giggles, having the hardest time not to laugh. He opened his mouth, “Now if you're-” “TRAP.” He encouraged the use of screaming at me. Which was an odd thing to witness, considering he was underweight, and had quite the pair of lungs, “WOULD YOU SHUT UP?!” I inhaled, “Uhhhhhhh… No. See the reason, is because you have lost my interest.” I took a sip of meh drink, “If you would've stopped monologuing, maybe I would be all happy-go-go yeah!” I flatbrowed, “But I'm not. Simply put you monochromatic leotard, I will not be going to that wedding. And I'm fairly certain there's nothing you can do to convince me.” Fear said without missing a beat, “I was the one who hospitalized Fluttershy.” Immediately I pointed, “You sumbitch.” I KNEW IT!! As gobsmacked of an expression as I could muster, Fear produced a small package and tossed it at me, taking his leave afterwhich with a frown, “Yeah, see, I've been thinking, that maybe I would pay her another visit! But things have led to another and I haven't been able to.” So here's the fucker who messed with her… HANDS SHALL BE THROWN!!! “And if you value your life, amongst the countless others, I would advise you to sincerely reconsider. Just food for thought.” He opened and shut the shop's doors, “Tell Fluttershy I said hi!” I called over my shoulder, “You're a fucking asshole!” And like that, things went from quiet, to hustling to bustling. Ponies came strolling in, asking for drinks, and the couple went back to lip hugging... Fear is honestly the worst pony I've ever met. And, the most trickiest. I could've punched the guy in the throat, but what good would've come of it? All he would've done was use Fluttershy's will against her. Again. And even then, I still don't know if he is pushing my buttons, or if these Chaotic Elements are seriously trying to kill their Harmonic counterparts! “Who's the asshole?” Came a voice from the floor. Peering over the counter, I sighed and helped Mister Cake up, “It's a close tie between Celestia and Luna.” “An odd debate.” I nodded, “Quite. I've yet to tally of who is more so.” “I vote Celestia.” Laughing a smidge, I took one last look at the thing Fear had tossed me. Whether or not I should be concerned, but in my hand, I had me a pack of my menthol special cigarettes. How these fuckers kept getting my favorite brand, scared me. I blame it on fear... O.o.O.o.O I tossed the hefty package from one hand to the other, leaning on the nearest thing my shoulder found comfort on; a tree. A few meters in front of me were the girls - ponies - who thought having a Picnic in celebration for Fluttershy's recovery was a good idea. I mean, shit, it was. It's just me being all self-centered because of my anxiety for the eyes that could be trained on me at any time. I've been in this kind of situation too, even before I got in this place. It was in my office space, when I worked for State farm. I was trying to get a leadership position, everyone who was eligible was trying their hardest, and then BOOM, out of the blue, the least likely staff gets the promotion. The newbie. I screamed, cried, told my boss that it was a big mistake, but nobody listened to me. Not three months later was the newbie fired. He was caught, stealing money from the company. If there was ever a, I told you so, moment, it was that. And it was the same for here, too. I told you so, Tick, and you need to watch your fucking back if you wanna get back home… Last thing that needs to happen is to become to attached, or start feeling for the place here. Get a… Promotion to Captain or something. Or… Marry one of the locals… Eugh. I tapped the container on my wrist, and out popped a cigarette. I picked it up with two fingers, put away the box, and pulled out my trusty lighter. It wasn't one of those, crappy Bip lighters. Got this one from my grandpappy. It was silver, slim, box-shaped and metal. Had two carvings on it - one was a smile, the other, a frown. Grandpappy was a Batman fan, and out of all the characters he liked in it, he adored Two-face. So, that's what he did to his lighter, which he passed down to me. Anyway, I flicked it, and was soon finding solace in inhaling death. “Hey Tick! Why dontcha come on over? Take a load off!” I sighed. God bless Pinkie. God bless. “Alright. Fine. Since you insist.” I watched while getting off of a tree, Pinkie and the group all look at one another in shock. My guess, was because of how quickly I responded to the demand. And true, normally I don't like taking orders, but hey, Fuck you. I was really trying my hardest not to freak out, and, granted, the cigarette did it's duty and calmed my nerves. Sitting down took little time and effort as I seamlessly took the edge of their red and white checkered blanket. Twilight was with Applejack setting put some food, of and which, Pinkie had already gotten into. Regardless, I shrugged, “There. Happy?” They all looked at one another and nodded their opinions. Pinkie hobbled over, and plopped herself next to me. She looked like a pink chipmunk with all of the food she had stored in her cheeks, “Mmph, murghpf, moo?” She said with a plate pushed towards me. I inhaled a little bit of the cigarette and raised a brow, “I'm sorry. I don't believe I speak in the tongue of, full-mouth-eese.” Pinkie giggled audibly and swallowed the stuff whole. A feat in itself, mistress 3.14 smiled, “I said, ‘Mmph, murghpf, moo?’.” Blinking, I slowly took the plate she had pushed at me and nodded a short understanding, “Oh. Of course you did Pinkie. Of course you did.” Pinkie brightened at the sound of her name and went back to stuffing her face. Literally. I did the same, trying to get comfortable with all of the bright and unfettered colors that assaulted me whilst looking around. A park was always a good spot, but good shade was vital for those with vampiric syndrome… and with the one tree being so far away, and the shade under the leaves, you could imagine that I was a bit anal towards trying to shield my eyes. God… The last time I had gone to one of these kind of picnics was with my familiy. Twas a good time, if you count the food fight, and how I was expulsed from the family altogether, courtesy of Dad. Eh… Not a good time. Right. I heaved a heavy sigh and worked the dry food around my molars. Eventually, I was able to clean the plate, and set it down somewhere safer than my lap. From there, I just leaned back on my hands and tried working out how the next few days would fare. Definitely not looking forward to them, but I can't argue with time. Rarity let out a blissful smile, using her magic to wave a fan for herself. She wore one of those big brimmed sun-hats you'd find Mary Poppins laughing at, colored the same way her mane was. Fluttershy was over by Rainbow Dash. Chatting quietly with the brash pegasus as though nothing had ever happened. It was good, seeing her like this. A few days ago, and she was screaming at me, and I didn't know why. Now I do, and I'm frightened of what kind of things will be occurring soon. I needed to step up my badassness. Take lessons from like… A guard or something. Rig is a good choice. But I'd have to ask Shining if I could pester her brusque ass for a while. And asking Shining, would mean going to Canterlot. And going to Canterlot meant going to the wedding. Le sigh… I found myself suddenly yelling to the right, “TWELEHT.” I've been working on a new name for her. Dingleberry was a good start, but I'd have to work it into the system somehow without her becoming predominantly pissed. Tweleht looked up from her food, wide eyed from the fact of me yelling, “Yes? Is there... something wrong?” I scratched my chin, “Yeah, where's that purple squirt of yours?” Pinkie sided with me, “Hey, yeah! Where is Spike?” I always found it nice to have her take my side. Gave me a little something to grin like an idiot about.” Tweleht sighed, “Well, last I saw him, he had been cleaning his mouth out with my soap. Probably curled up in his bed right now,” “What happened to him?” Came Dash's oblivious response. Tweleht shook her head, “You don't wanna know.” I shrugged, “I dunno. I was kinda being a dick earlier.” Between the dark stare and confused glances, I take it one small move and it was game over and a book was going up my ass. “But soft!” I said stoically, pointing to a hill beyond us, “What light through yonder hill breaks?!” I broke all their necks, including my own when who'd ya guess, Spike, came barreling over it. I wasn't trying to be all poetic. Just thought it would be funny because it's kinda… Like the… Book… Ahem. Tough crowd. Twilight raised a brow, “Well he's outta bed early.” I nodded, “Yeah. I'm glad he recovered.” Dash yelled, “RECOVERED FROM WHAT?!?” Ignoring her, Spike came to a stop in front of us, out of breath, and bending over just to show what his condition was. Tired. Obviously. “Twilight… Letter… Shining Armor… Read please…” And then he showed us a familiar letter. A sort of… Smelly smell… The kinda smell you'd smell - “Dear Twilight, and Friends…” Began Twilight, who had taken the parchment with a gasp and smile. Spike happily collapsed next to Rarity, who in turn rolled her eyes, and used the fan she had been fanning herself with, to coax Spike from dying in her hooves. “I know it's a bit late for surprises…” Twilight read on, in which her smile disappeared almost completely, “But I am g-g-GETTING MARRIED?!?” Feigning a gasp, I threw my hands up, “THEY'RE FINALLY GETTING MARRRIIIEEEEDDD, IN AGRABAH!!!~” O.o.O.o.O