Edited by: SilentCarto
Proofreader: Coandco
Disclaimer: I know that Father McClain drinks like a fish. It's just an expression.
Dear Celestia,
It seems that my last idea didn’t go over that well. In fact, from what I can tell, you are distinctly more angry at me now than you were previously. I simply cannot understand you ponies sometimes.
If I had to guess what set you off, it was the pictures. This is a judgement solely based on the fact that you melted the office building of ‘The Moon’ into glassy slag. As they were the only paper to print the pictures I sent with the story, it seems like a reasonable deduction.
Were my infiltrators off somehow? I don’t see how; they are the very best when it comes to changeling mimicry. If you think they didn’t do you justice, then just let me know, and I’ll discipline them. That by itself would probably make for some very interesting pictures, but I digress.
Or wait, was it the one where those two changelings looked like you and your sister in a compromising position? I guess I can see where that wouldn’t sit well with you. Still, from what my spy network says, the stallions in Equestria certainly seemed to enjoy it.
And what is Twilight Sparkle so mad about? I assigned all of my very best changelings to imitate her, and the results were spectacular! There’s a reason why half of those pictures featured changelings using her body. She should be flattered!
Fine, don’t appreciate our art. See if I care. I don’t care.
Okay, that’s a lie, I care immensely.
Look, it is getting harder and harder to justify the attempts I’m making at a fruitful partnership given your demands for ‘unconditional surrender’. Queen Chrysalis don’t surrender to nopony, got that? Conditional or otherwise. But still, I’m really trying hard to think of something that will support us and make you happy.
It doesn’t look like all of your raids and mass captures of changelings have made you happy. Maybe instead of doing to me what I tried and failed to do to you, you could just calm down and really consider the benefits to a partnership.
Seriously what is disabling my spy network and stopping the abductions going to do for you? Besides guarantee a safe future for hundreds of ponies. And earn the respect of the international community that my previous letter angered. And remove hostile agents from your military, bureaucracy, and politics. And give you a chance to, ugh, reform me.
Aside from those trifles you get nothing, so is it really even worth it?
I would say ‘no’, and if you have any sense you’ll agree.
Now that that’s settled, let me tell you about my latest idea. Children are tough to deal with, am I right? You lay a clutch of thirty or forty eggs and before you know it they’re swarming over everything, spitting acid and trying to kill each other. They’ve just got so much energy in their little bodies that it’s impossible to keep up with them.
Well, not anymore. You’ve seen the results of forcible love extraction now that you’ve uncovered and raided several of our nests. The vic- subjects are listless, docile, and easy to deal with. Imagine, with only weekly treatments (or more if necessary) a parent could rest at ease knowing that they will come home to calm and quiet child. If even half the things I’ve heard about that trio of fillies in Ponyville are true – y’know, the ones I kidnapped a while back – then this program could also save a great deal in property damage.
Who knows, maybe somepony will even discover that their special talent is feeding changelings or being functional despite emotional numbness? The possibilities are endless, and denying those fillies and colts the opportunity to try is practically criminal.
Queen Chrysalis!
What is it, soldier? Wait, stop writing, worker. I’m finished dictating for now. Go on, soldier.
A platoon of guards led by Princess Luna has been spotted nearby. They are moving in this direction and attempting to be stealthy in their approach.
Starvation and Banefire! That little twit Luna must have followed our latest raiding group back here. No, no. It’s cool. Keep it together, Chrysalis. Okay, I’ve got a plan. Attention, changelings! Princess Luna is approaching this location with a platoon of her guards. Don’t panic! Any changelings found panicking will be beaten until they calm down! All changelings will prepare for full retreat, except all those who were on the last raiding group. You will attack Luna and buy time for our retreat with your lives. Everyling else head for the Badlands Castle. You have your orders, now get to it!
Okay, I’m ready to resume dictation now, worker.
I’ll have to cut this letter a bit short since your sister is practically on our doorstep as of writing this, but still, give this idea some proper consideration. We have a few foals among our prisoners at this location, so I’ll forcibly drain a few just to give you a proof-of-concept on my latest proposal. I’m sure their parents will be thrilled to have such cooperative children returned to them in place of the brats we took.