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// Well, You'll Be Buggered 
// Story: An Offer She Can't Excuse 
// by psychicscubadiver 
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Edited by: SilentCarto
Proofreader: Coandco
Disclaimer: No officer, I haven't been drinking tonight. I'm sober as a priest.





Dear Celestia,

I think somepony owes someling an apology. I’m not going to name names here, but we both know who I’m talking about. I mean, do you have any idea how hard it is for one of my soldiers to sneak into your castle with all the heightened security you’ve put in place? I even made certain she planted my last letter underneath your pillow so only you would see it. But apparently you allow these ‘maids’ of yours to run willy-nilly investigating your bedroom and secret letters as they please. Well, I hope you’re happy with yourself now that she took that letter to the papers.

Okay, that’s enough negativity. I mean, it was only my best plan ever. I’m not mad just because any chance of a secret military alliance is ruined. Why would I be mad? Unlike certain ponies, I am not the type to hold a grudge. No, a changeling always has to have hope even when the situation seems bleakest. Because if they don’t, then they’re weak and unworthy to serve the Hive. 

So to put this in simpler language, which I know you’ll appreciate, I am still open to some form of partnership between our nations. I realize you’re busy reassuring all of those angry diplomats that you don’t have any intention of conquering their countries, but if you have the time to organize and train a special ‘Changeling Capture Corps’ in your guard, then you’ve got enough time to consider my latest proposal.

Once again I delved into the stagnant and disgusting pool that is your culture only to emerge thirty minutes later with a shining pearl of wisdom. I asked myself, ‘where does love come from?’ and the obvious answer (aside from ponies) is sex.

That’s right, I’m talking about a changeling brothel. I even came up with a really great name for it: Bed Bugs! Doesn’t that just roll off the tongue?

It would be a foolproof method to extract love. We already do it on a small scale at certain ‘clubs’ in most big cities, but I’m looking to make it our primary source of love and our public face to the world. Believe me, this idea has all the makings of a smash success. My dedicated infiltrators can transform into any pony (or other species) the customer wants! Plus, they are masters at faking their emotions. Even when replacing a married pony the spouse often takes days to catch on to the switch.

If you’re worried about diseases or physical incompatibility, don’t you worry. There are absolutely no concerns on either account. But just in case you wanted more detail, I am including a full and comprehensive analysis on it, complete with pictures. A lot of pictures. In fact, the entire analysis is just pictures of changelings in suggestive poses, but I still feel that it makes my point very nicely.

Even though the love my changelings collect from our customers would be payment enough, I am planning to charge a modest fee for the services offered. Partially for building rental and the copious amounts of cleaning supplies I expect to need. Mostly, though it’s so I can give you a cut. Before I purged them, my law-drones were going on and on about how using the likenesses of other ponies for business would mean I have to pay ‘royalties’. I think it’s very strange that you’d make a law seemingly aimed just at changelings, but if the law says we must pay royalty then I won’t begrudge your slice of the pie.

The way I imagine it, we can start by opening a small 'Bed Bugs' in Canterlot. It’s a powerful, bustling city, and I hear that rich ponies can have ‘tastes’ that are difficult to satisfy. Plus, we’ll be right under your watchful eye and can show you that we are only operating with the very best of intentions. Then, if your trust issues aren’t a problem, we can expand into Manehattan and other cities after that. Given enough time, I imagine a world with a 'Bed Bugs' in every single town and hamlet (with multiple locations in larger cities, of course). There might be some domestic issues with ponies cheating on each other, and the faint possibility that some ponies could be mentally compelled to return time and time again by overeager changelings, but honestly, I don’t foresee any real problems.

Just think about it, you’d have happy, pacified changelings only draining love from the ponies that consent to it, and all of those ‘royalties’ flowing into the royal coffers. It’s a win-win, right?

Also, this time, instead of the long and difficult process of infiltrating your castle and leaving it for another witless servant to find, I am sending this letter directly to all the major newspapers in Equestria. That way I know you will get to see it, and the rest of the world will understand that I’m more than just a power-hungry egomaniac. I’m a mare trying to find the best way to take care of the nation that depends on her.

PS: If you are approached by any changeling that claims to represent me and wants to register this business as ‘Hive Whore Inc’, do me a favor and incinerate him. After counting the law-drone bodies, I’m pretty sure I missed one.