Edited by: SilentCarto
Proofreader: Coandco
Disclaimer: No, seriously he made me do it!
Dear Celestia,
I hope this finds you well and all that other nonsense. Pleasantries out of the way, let’s get down to brass tacks. I heard from my spies – er, I mean, the morning newspaper, that you incinerated my previous letter and had your chambermaid arrested. This would seem to imply that you aren’t interested in my proposal. I can’t imagine why not, but then again, trying to understand the thoughts of you squishy vertebrates is usually a lost cause.
Still, never let it be said I wasn’t willing to go the distance and try. After an exhausting forty minutes of study trying to make sense of your inferior culture, I hit on the perfect idea. Changeling-sponsored weight loss programs. As wholly inefficient endoskeletal creatures, you store fat in unsightly, squishy bulges on various portions of your anatomy (not judging, but all that cake really does go your flanks, honey.) Any civilized creature simply molts their old exoskeleton and grows a larger one when they’ve gathered enough sustenance, but I shouldn’t hold that against your kind. I can completely understand the desire to rid yourselves of those disgusting masses of gelatinous tissue, and I see a way to help out those poor unfortunate ponies all while benefitting the Hive at the same time.
Hive Weight-Loss Inc (the law-drones still insist on incorporating, and executing one of them didn’t change their minds so I guess we actually need to) would assist ponies in reducing their disgusting flab in a variety of ways. We can selectively drain ponies of their love for high-calorie foods, utterly destroying their desire to eat things that are bad for them. Or maybe just their desire to eat anything. It depends on the skill of the changeling doing the draining. Either way, I don’t see how anything bad could result from that.
Another method would be our patented mind magic (according to the law-drones it isn’t actually patented, and breaks at least five different Equestrian laws) which can place mental conditioning inside ponies’ skulls to encourage more exercise, smaller meals, or both. We will tailor the exact psychological warping to the needs of each individual customer. This would also be an excellent way to counterbalance all of that negative press we have been unjustly receiving in the pony media. Nothing extreme, obviously, but a few random instances of ‘changelings are friends not foes’, ‘I can trust the Hive’, and ‘All hail Chrysalis, our True Queen’ would go a long way towards bridging the cultural divide.
And for those who have the time and feel squeamish about mental magic, we would offer the ‘easy approach’. This would be somewhat similar to the prisoner routine, but in this case, we wouldn’t add any nutrients (except basic mineral requirements) to the dream slime. Thus, without any caloric intake, those ponies would naturally burn through their own fat reserves in peaceful slumber, while we feed on their love. A win-win situation for all, right? It would require careful accounting to make certain that ponies are found and woken up before they starve to death in their sleep, but I’m sure we could manage that. Without more than a reasonable number of mistakes, anyway.
Naturally, you are probably still suspicious. It’s entirely unfounded and more than a little insulting, but I’ve grown to accept that as one of your flaws. And by “you” I mean your entire species, but that’s unimportant. What is important is giving you reasons to trust me. Somewhere around the twenty-fifth minute of my exhaustive research of your society, I stumbled upon the ancient practice of taking royal hostages for ‘good behavior’ of their ruling parents. I’ve got plenty of daughters, and I’d be more than happy to put any number of them under your control. Most of them are impatient to be the next queen, which means if they aren’t trying to assassinate me, they’re fighting with each other. Pawning them off on you would be perfectly fine with me. And if they get on your nerves and you need to kill one or two just to make a point, don’t worry. I can always make more. It’s not like I haven’t done that myself. I mean, what Queen hasn’t?
I look forward to your response to this letter. Please leave your reply wedged into the crack outside the third window of the main hallway on the fourth floor. I’ll have a worker pick it up.