Peaceful Pumpkin was perfect. He was perfect in two ways — the first that he was a tender but passionate lover whose meditative skills allowed him to extend their activities nearly indefinitely. The other way in which he was ‘perfect’ was that he was a literal saint who worked himself to exhaustion caring for the poor and the sick. Getting him to schedule time for sensual indulgence was a challenge. So that sucked.
But. Good news! The situation with the Crystal Empire had been resolved peacefully! Perhaps this new Emperor Sombra was a reasonable pony. She looked forward to meeting him in person. The army was returning from the border. She had sent a message to Phalanx ordering him to report to her chambers for a “personal debriefing” as soon as he arrived in the capital.
She still had no idea where Clean Sweep was. She was working up the nerve to go looking for him. It was harder than she’d imagined it would be — Peaceful Pumpkin might say that any kind of love was all right, but her court would have different opinions of their princess frolicking with a commoner. Then, on the day that she had finally resolved to scheduled a trip to Employee Records, he showed up in her throne room during open audiences!
“Your highness,” he said, cap in hoof, trembling visibly, “I’ve come seeking a pony. The sweetest and most wonderful pony I’ve ever met. Her name is Sunny Smiles, and she works as a laundress in your palace staff.”
Oooh! He’d been looking for her too! Celestia felt all fluttery inside. “I might remember her,” she said, leaning on the arm of her throne and resting a chin on her hoof. “Tell me more. See if you can jog my memory.” She was going to milk this for all the non-butt related compliments she could get. Because he wouldn’t mention a mare’s butt in front of his princess. Would he?
“Oh, your highness. She is kind, and generous, and playful, and wise beyond her years. She is brown, with blue eyes, and she has a sunburst cutie mark, much like yours, and a smile also very much… like… yours as… well?”
His eyes snapped open and darted between her flank and her face. He looked at her wings, invisible but very tangible the last time he had seen her. Oh mother of whores, he’d figured it out. He turned to flee. She grabbed him by the tail with her magic and dragged him up the stairs to her throne. Her guards spun around and lowered their spears. Around them, courtiers and supplicants stared.
“Act casual, okay?” she whispered in his ear.
“Yes, yes, that is the mare I was speaking of,” said Clean Sweep loudly but stiffly. His acting was terrible, but at least he got the general idea of discretion.
“Do you still work here?”
He gulped. “N-no, your highness,” he whispered.
“Oh. Sorry about that if it’s my fault. Anyway, be in the palace public gardens by the duck pond tonight at sunset. I’ll send a servant to bring you to my rooms. Until then, if I see you, I won’t remember you. Understand?”
“Yes, your highness,” he said, backing away from her down the stairs. “Thank you for telling me where to find the mare of my dreams. Who is a commoner, and not a noblepony like yourself.”
“You’re laying it on a little thick,” she hissed. He turned and ran out of the throne room. The line of supplicants stared at him as he passed. He guards raised their spears and looked at her funny.
Celestia ignored everypony. “Next please!” While the next supplicant talked, she fished out the little notebook she used as her ‘personal’ schedule. Let’s see, tonight at… oh, bugger her with a pikestaff, she had Pumpkin down for tonight as well. She’d have egos to soothe before she could get laid. Well. Too late to fix it now. At least Phalanx probably wouldn’t be here for days.
———
He was there. Curse the efficiency of the Equestrian military. He looked confused. Pumpkin looked amused. Clean Sweep looked heartbroken.
Phalanx cleared his throat. “Can you explain this, your Highness? I knew we weren’t exclusive, but…” He glanced down at the smaller stallions. He seemed particularly interested in Pumpkin.
Pumpkin looked up at Phalanx through his bangs. “I wish you’d told me about your other friends, I’d have brought more lubricant.”
Phalanx smiled down at Pumpkin. Celestia’s heart rate quickened. Clean Sweep looked afraid.
“I thought we were special!” he said.
Celestia nuzzled, and kissed his cheek. “I’m so sorry. You are special. I’ve longed for you for over a month. But I’m not ready to commit to a single stallion. I’m sorry I couldn’t explain things. We haven’t had much time to talk.”
“The Princess,” said Phalanx, “is too much mare for any one stallion.”
Clean Sweep sighed. “I do believe in distributing resources fairly.”
“Like precious, precious princess booty,” said Pumpkin, smiling dreamily.
“A booty which is very small and petite,” said Phalanx.
“Oh yes, barely more than a morsel, really,” said Pumpkin, rolling his eyes and leaning against Phalanx’s side.
“You are all very silly ponies,” said Celestia, opening her door. “Any of you who wish to fulfill your Princesses’ fantasies about being covered in frosting may come with me.”
All of them did.