Okay, let's just skip over the point where I wake up, thought everything was a dream and then discovered it wasn't. We'll also not mention what went on during my moment of hysterics as I thought about what I was missing back home.
Relatives, my job, my piece of junk car, internet friends, social media... so, nothing really important left behind. I am okay with that. What I am not okay with is the fact that they tied me up and tossed me in a corner. Well... laid me down gently on a bed of hay after making sure the ropes weren't too tight. That was nice of them.
"So, what do we do with him?" Rarity asked Twilight, who was pacing back and forth while Applejack was glaring at her.
"What can we do?" Twilight cried out as she stopped pacing just long enough to shake a hoof at me. "He's here, and the ritual won't work again, unless you want to spend time constructing an entirely new temple." She started pacing again. "I told you, it was a stretch that this one would even have enough power left to summon anything. Let alone some sort of hero material. Heck, we're lucky what we did manage to get didn't get turned inside out, or be reduced to a mass of writhing sludge."
My eyes bugged out of their sockets. SAY WHAT?
Rainbow Dash, who was sitting beside me, seemed to notice my reaction. She stroked my head in a soothing fashion. "Easy kid. You're okay. Don't let the egghead scare you."
Twilight suddenly gasped and threw a hoof over her mouth. "Oh. I did it again, didn't I? Stupid-stupid-stupid. This is why Celestia forbade me to speak at all of those parties."
"Easy, sugarcube," Applejack rolled her eyes, still glaring. "Let's not get our tails in a knot before we work somethin' out. Like, what are we gonna do about him?"
Rainbow Dash threw a protective wing over me and scowled. "Exactly what we planned in the first place, Applejack. He's our only chance in taking back Equestria."
"Relax, Rainbow Dash," the farmer snorted. "I ain't gonna hurt a young'un that ain't done no wrong as of yet. 'Sides, if you'll recall, it was you that wanted to hurt him. Well, you and Dinky Doo."
Dinky? It was Dinky who attacked me? Aww, that really hurt. She was my all-time favorite background filly. Er, not that I cared about the show. She just... appealed to me. Moving on.
"I was just caught up in the moment," Dash replied. "We wanted a hero to defeat the Displaced. And what do we get? another Displaced."
Displaced? No. Nonononononono. NNNOOOOOOOOOO. Not that kind of universe. Please. Anything but that. Well, that and Chess Game of the Gods, or any of the Xenophilia stories. I do not have a pony fetish. I do not want to have mares throwing themselves at me. I can only imagine that it'd consist of a lot of shed fur in the wrong places and rug burn down under. Augh, now I need brain bleach.
"Speaking of which," Twilight, who had apparently been listening, said walking up to me with a scrutinizing eye. "Who are you supposed to be?" Thanks for asking, finally. "Someone out of an anime, or a movie. A video game perhaps? What are your special abilities and superpowers?" She waited for my response.
"Uh, ya think we should remove the gag first?" Applejack asked.
Purple smart blushed and did just that.
"Now, don't scream, whatever you do," she hissed. I compromised by whimpering pitifully. She leaned in close, eyes narrowed in scrutiny. "Alright. What convention were you at?"
"I was at a renaissance fair," I responded in a hushed voice. She didn't appear to hear.
"What's that? Speak up a bit. Where were you?"
"A renaissance fair, okay?" I said louder. She nodded curtly.
"I see. And what is a renaissance fair, exactly?"
"It's a fair that celebrates the renaissance age," I responded decisively.
She nodded again. "And what exactly is a renaissance age?"
Okay, either she was stupid, or Equestria didn't have a renaissance of it's own. "It was a gigantic cultural movement that took place between the fourteenth and seventeenth century Europe. Highly over-romanticized by lots of people, but still a lot of fun."
She tilted her head to the side. "So, wait... this is a true to life event? No giant fighting robots? Anime power-ups? Or blue hedgehogs?"
I shook my head. "Nope. Just knights, knaves, chivalry, and bad hygiene."
"Huh," Twilight sat down upon her plot and scratched her head in thought. "So. You didn't gain any supernatural magic powers?"
"Ah?" I had to think a moment. I was dressed as a knight in foam armor. That was it. "No. I can safely say I do not. I think the only thing that happened was my foam costume turning to solid steel. Which almost got me killed a few moments ago."
"So you didn't even get the strength to move around in it?"
"Nope," I shook my head. "I was cosplaying as a peasant who had stolen a knight's armor in order to get close to a princess. Of course he would then be caught and executed, but, at least he found love."
"That is oddly specific and stupid," Twilight mused, quirking her brow. A grunt from applejack made her blush. "Stupid-stupid-stupid. Not again."
Gee. I felt really sorry for her. Such low self esteem. Were my hands free I would have given her a hug.
"Well, I was just trying to be original," I quipped. "Do you realize how many dorks are out there dressing up as blacksmiths, Robin Hood, or Sir Lancelot? Too many. I just wanted to try something different, stand out from the crowd."
"Yeah, and now you can hardly move because of it," Applejack snorted. Rainbow Dash growled at her.
"Knock it off," the multi-colored wonder said. "He's scared enough as is."
"Okay, this is weird, really weird," I said aloud as I tried to pull myself up into a sitting position. "Why is this pegasus acting so out of character? For crying out loud, she wanted to drop me in lava not too long ago."
"She's just got a motherly side to her," Applejack explained with a wave of her hoof. Rainbow Dash blushed, but didn't deny it.
"Motherly?" I cried. "I'm nineteen for crying out loud. Heck my parents kicked me out as soon as I turned eighteen. I'm a fully functioning adult."
"We don't care how you humans go about deciding adulthood," Applejack snorted, narrowing her eyes at me. "Here in Equestria, you ain't an adult until you're at least in your mid thirties. You humans have just got some messed up family values."
"What?" I cried again. "You can't just force your culture upon me like that."
"We can, and we will," the farm mare said, sticking her nose in the air. "For the time bein' you're not going to be let out of our sight."
"Okay, this is ludicrous," I snapped wriggled to a kneeling position. "I am fine on my own, I don't have to be pampered by a bunch of technicolored characters from a little girl's TV show. You're not the boss of me."
For some reason all the assembled mares seemed amused by this. Did I have something on my face? Omelet perhaps?
"Oh, yes, really grown up," a random mare spoke up. The all began laughing. Well, my ego was already shot, now they were just batting around its corpse like a soccer ball.
"Could someone please just explain what's going on?" I pleaded not feeling like fighting anymore. The armor was heavy, the room was hot, the armor was hot, I was surrounded by ponies that shouldn't exist, and the armor stank. Huh, I guess my armor is actually the worst of it. "Actually, hold that thought, cause I don't really care at the moment. Just help me get out this armor. I baking alive inside this thing."