//------------------------------//
// Beer Free or Die Hard 
// Story: Beer and a Knife Fight 3: Beer Hard With a Vengeance 
// by PresentPerfect 
//------------------------------//

Beer and a Knife Fight 3: Beer Hard With a Vengeance
by Present Perfect

Chapter 4: Beer Free or Die Hard

It had been a battle for the ages, the sort about which, centuries ago, bards would have sung epic poems and out of which, today, big-name movie studios would make summer blockbusters.

Of course, it didn't last very long.  Standard steel knives and plastic vibrating things did not stand much of a chance against a sword made out of concentrated sunlight.  It had been an intense, awesome, and eminently memorable spectacle, but the battle had been rather one-sided in Celestia's favor.

When the last of Twilight's weapons had melted to slag and peppered the earth below in molten death rain, Celestia drew herself up and levelled her sword.

"Do you yield, Princess Twilight Sparkle?"

"Never!" Twilight shouted, panting.  "I'll never like you!"

Celestia gritted her teeth and sighed.  There was only one thing to do.

"Your mother never told you about your real father, did she?"

Twilight was taken aback.  "Uh, no?  I'm pretty sure my dad's my real dad.  Shining's not, like, a half-brother or anything, last I checked."

Celestia closed her eyes.  "Twilight, I am your father."

"That's not true!" Twilight shouted, aghast.  "That's impossible!"

"Search your heart!" Celestia bellowed.  "You know it to be--"

"No," Twilight said, "I mean, that's literally, physically impossible.  I am one hundred percent sure you're a mare!" Her face turned a bright shade of red.  "At least, I'm pretty sure I've had enough of a, uh, tour that I don't think I could be wrong.  I hope."

Celestia gave her a smug grin.  "Oh, Twilight, so young and naive.  There are spells that will give a mare a--"

"Nope!" Twilight flew circles around Celestia.  "Nope, nope, nope, nope, stop talking, stop talking, la la la la not listening!"

"Seriously, Twilight," Celestia said, one eyebrow raised, "it's a fairly common spell.  Maybe not well-known, but hardly kept in the Forbidden Archives."

Twilight spun crazily off to the side, wobbling in the air, stars whirling around her head.  "I am going to be sick for numerous reasons!"

"What?" Celestia snickered.  "Can't handle the idea that your mother is a kinky slut?"

She had, after all, tapped that on multiple occasions.  And sometimes things had happened, things that required court orders and secret alimony payments.  Celestia could never bring herself, until this moment, to reveal the truth to Twilight, but she sure as Tartarus could bring herself to have weird incestuous sex with her lovechild; that's way easier.

"You want magic?" Twilight shouted, charging her horn.  "I'll give you magic!"

Eyes widening, Celestia lifted her sword, honestly fearful it wouldn't block what was about to come.  The spell Twilight was weaving was too intense, too complex for a quick counterspell to negate.  The longer Twilight cast, the more intricate it became.  Through her magical senses, Celestia could see the instrument of her impending doom.  It was as beautiful as it was fatal, a thing of perfect multidimensional symmetries, balancing order and chaos on a knife's edge.  She steeled herself for the end, knowing it was only what she deserved.

Then Twilight let out a loud belch.

Celestia couldn't quite believe her eyes.  The spell didn't fizzle so much as... barf?  It tried to turn itself inside-out, then more or less gave up and left.

"I thiiiink I fucked that one up," Twilight singsonged.

Lowering her sword, Celestia looked around at their surroundings.  Nothing seemed to have changed.  "What now?"

They both became aware of a high-pitched noise, like glass scraping along steel, somewhere off in the distance.  Turning, they saw a dark speck superimposed over Canterlot Palace.  As they watched, it grew larger, and the screeching noise became louder.  It was almost too late that Celestia realized what was happening.

"Twilight, look out!" she cried, interposing herself between Twilight and the black dot.  She wasn't a moment too soon, as a blade composed of uttermost blackness clashed against her own.

Princess Luna snarled in rage.  Her blue coat continually replaced and was replaced by black.  Armor appeared and disappeared across her body.  Her eyes went from calm azure to yellow dragon-slits; fangs emerged and retracted from her mouth.  The effect was nauseating to behold.

"Sisssster!" she hissed, her voice sounding as a myriad of tongues speaking at once.  "Now shall you meet your doom!"

"Twilight, what did you do?" Celestia cried, barely able to parry her sister's furious blows.  Centuries of peace and prosperity in Equestria, not to mention lots and lots of cake, had left Celestia soft, unused to lengthy combat, and entirely at the mercy of a sister for whom the harsher life of a thousand years ago was a much more recent memory.

"DIE!" Luna commanded.  The rooftops below them quivered.

And Twilight could do nothing, for her wings were locked, fully outspread.  Which meant she was falling to her death.

Stupid alicorn wings.