//------------------------------// // Job Hunting // Story: Max Payne Stumbles Into Equestria // by CelestialScribe //------------------------------// The endless stream of party-goers were siphoned through the library door, the event finally coming to an end. I lost track of time since I had been standing outside, but the party never let up. Occasionally, beforehand, I would check up on the festivities, only to find they were still going, unwavering to the sandman's call. My time spent outside was well spent. A short wander from the tree allowed me to see the aspects of night-life around Ponyville. There were none. Maybe I hadn't been able to see the whole of Ponyville, but from what I could, there wasn't a trace of bars or, thankfully, discotheques. I guess this meant no stumbling back to Twilight's in a swirly haze. But, there was also a lack of screaming, midnight muggings, and, from what I could smell, crack dens were replaced by twenty four hour bakeries. Every cloud and it's silver lining. As they attendees left, each one offered their welcomes and goodbyes to me, leaning against the tree. The endless cue finally on their way home and I could almost, hopefully, sleep. Not that I was tired just yet, but any seclusion was preferred to the endless bounty of open arms that were suffocating me in their friendliness. The trail of ponies had finally faded into the night, going their separate ways. Twilight had exited as well, waving her five main friends off. As usual, I stayed more or less silent throughout the goodbyes, primitive hand movements sufficing enough for my communication. "Huh," Twilight started, "I just realised that now Pinkie's left us with the clean-up job." I think I saw part of her eye twitch. "Well, that's Spike's problem now. We have work to do." "We do?" "Yep! No matter how determined Pinkie will be on making you enjoy your stay, it's still an assignment from the princess, and we still have to learn more about humans." Great. That's a 'no' to the rest option then. We walked inside and over the battered remains of her library, my shoes becoming plastered with confetti. It occurred to me that I had been wearing the same shoes and socks for about a day now, I was a literal walking chemical weapon. As I, once more, struggled to find a seat on Twilight's floor, she opened a closet in the wall, and fell out was a expensive-looking red couch. "I almost forgot about this, it'll be much more comfortable," Twilight said as she set it up along the wall. "Since when did you have that?" "Always. Rarity has them stashed all over Ponyville. In case of a drama emergency," She replied nonchalantly. "Oh... right..." "No drama emergencies in the human world?" "None worthy of scattered accessible couches." "Ha, well, we have quite a few daily emergencies in Ponyville. I wouldn't be surprised if something came up tomorrow. Anyway, I'm going to see if Spike's asleep yet. If not, he's getting the duster." While Twilight trotted up the stairs, parting the tides of floor confetti around her, I questioned the subject of Spike's job. I guess he neglected to take note of the word 'slave' in the job description. He didn't appear to despise life though, so I assumed it wasn't a regrettable mistake that spanned a life time, the type of which I was well aware. I smoothed out the couch's soft velvet, and came across Twilight's pillow on the floor, accompanied by her notepad. Despite being a cop for a large chunk of my lamentable life, I still had no perception of right and wrong, so I took a quick glance at her scribbles. What struck me more than the trivial details of being 'reserved' and 'fatigued', was a certain note. Subject seems sensitive regarding mention of marital/relationship status. I couldn't think. What I had hoped would be a fleeting view of that part of my life turned out to be one of the focus'. They weren't lying when they said 'study', every one of my stones were bound to be turned. Profiling me as an example for humanity was going to lead to us being the bane of the universe. I threw it back on the pillow as I heard Twilight's hooves hitting the wooden stairs. Casually sitting on the couch, I crossed my leg over to my knee and finally laid back for what brief seconds I had. I suppose this was about to be classed as a drama emergency. "So, are you ready to start? Spike is asleep, so, no cleaning tonight," She asked as she took a seat on the floor pillow. For a second I felt a pang of guilt, occupying the entire couch, but it soon vanished. "If we have to." "Yes, we do," She said eagerly, "Now, going back to your opinions on music, what is human culture like? What recreational activities are there? Same as us?" You could hear the desire to learn in her voice. Starting off easy, I guessed. "Pretty much. Movies, theatre and art. Music and sport, all that stuff." And, saving the best for last, "Drugs and alcohol." It would keep her away from the family route. "Do... a lot of humans use alcohol?" "I suppose it depends on the person." "Okay, and what about the drugs? I don't understand how or why you would use prescription drugs for recreational purposes." That was like a question aimed at my very being, the ninety percent of me that was full of the stuff cried out in anger. "You're telling me you don't have illegal drugs in Equestria?" "What? No! Why would we hold on to something that's illegal?" A proper law-abiding citizen. "Because of the effects. Depressants, hallucinogens, stimulants... painkillers? You honestly don't have any of these? Illegal ones?" "No... so... why are they illegal?" "Because of the threat they have. One might make a man think his dog is conspiring against him, causing him to kill it. Another might downright rot away your flesh." I remember giving this same speech at a school. Hopefully I left the kids traumatised enough to stay away from them. "That's horrible!" Twilight exclaimed, before putting a hoof to her mouth to cover any sickness. "Why do they even exist in the first place?!" "Some of them are natural. Others, it's just about profit. I don't know, you're asking the wrong guy. I was only paid to stop it." "Again... do a lot of humans use these?" "The stupid ones." To further support that point, I pulled the last painkiller from my jacket pocket and swallowed it. "Max, is that really safe for humans to have that many painkillers? I mean, I have no idea what human anatomy is like, but I know you can overdose on those!" "Probably not." "Then why do you keep having them?!" "Like I said, I'm a stupid guy." Scribbling away on her notepad, I was satisfied with my explanation. Without completely devaluing human society I managed to explain how fucked up we are. Twilight just looked concerned, for our entire species. So, I successfully established that our recreational time consists of running to the grim reaper's sharp clutches with open arms. "Let's move away from that then... on to... crime and law. It sounds as though it's a serious problem. The worst we have are things like over-charging stalls or petty theft. But to actually create a law to protect somepony from themselves?" "Am I to assume ponies never fight as well? That they're the epitome of peace?" "We used to fight over land and food, but nothing serious anymore." Seems strange to think that these ponies are more civilised than any humans. That they have actually evolved more than us. "You're a lot smarter than us then. That still goes on. Streets and worldwide." "Is that why you became a 'cop'?" "Could be." And following that were years of agony and torture. Experiences that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, and losses that included my best friend, wife, daughter, boss and friendly neighbourhood Russian crime lord. Continuing on from that web of destruction was the collapse of Sao Paulo's political system and half it's population. In hindsight, it wasn't worth it. I lay down on the couch, facing away from Twilight with my head resting on the arm, legs over the side. I wanted a proper therapist feel. "Look, I realise I'm making it sound terrible, but it probably isn't that bad. You've just had the unfortunate circumstance of talking to someone who's seen the world through either the bottom of a glass, or down the sight of a gun." The rare times I was actually seeing the nicer view of life was when death was preparing for the final hurdle, ready to leap out of the frying pan and kick my ass into the fire. That could be a sorrow indicator for my new life here. Death could simply be tying his blood-stained shoes, ready to make the jump to a world full of ponies. He really had nothing better to do than harass me. And I, like an idiot, continually tempt him with decisions a hallucinating junkie wouldn't take. "Why do you see it so... cynically then?" "Life's never offered me any favours. It's just slowly pried each of my fingers away from the ledge I cling on to." "You... really see it that way?" Her voice had signs of sadness in it, and her quill began writing gently, easing each distressing word into existence. "Had no reason to see it any other way." "What about the good things in life? Friends and... love...?" She knew she had hit that 'sensitive subject', she almost flinched after saying the word. The quill touched the paper in anticipation, the hollow sound clearing my mind. "It doesn't last. It's not allowed to." Mistakes and mourning isn't a debt repaid in money or wounds, but mental scars. You lose a piece of yourself when you lose someone you love. The price of making yourself vulnerable. "Don't you think that she... o-or- he," She stammered, fearing the possible reaction if I turned out to swing that way, "Would want you to..." She was looking for the right words to say 'get over it', or at least 'put down the bottle'. I had heard this all before, but never from a pony. Especially not after they successfully assumed the cause of my dismal situation. "I don't deserve to." "But, why not?" She was beginning to poke the the anthill with a stick. "It's not like it's your fault." The stick was covered in honey. I just stayed silent. I would've said something I'd later regret, I was sure. Despite the floods of books in the library, it was completely empty. Neither of us made a sound after that until the quill scratched it's way into earshot. From there, it was safe to assume, this session was over. It was in both of our interests that she doesn't delve any further. The writing stopped, and I was tempted to take a look at what she had put. Maybe later, it would have been a bit obvious if I leaned over her shoulder from the couch. "I think that's about all we can learn for today," Twilight muttered, but audible enough for me to hear her implement that I was a stubborn bastard. "Time for bed, Max. You've had a long, long day." Understatements, understatements everywhere. "There's a spare double in my room." "No thanks, I'll sleep on the couch." I still didn't feel comfortable enough around any of these ponies to sleep near them. I half expected there to be a section devoted to being a stable where she slept. Besides, the lonesomeness of the main floor suited me fine, surrounded by only the words of hundreds. "Are you positive? You seem a bit tall for it..." True, my feet were sticking over the side as I lay there, and my head was awkwardly positioned on the arm, but this was a much better sleeping arrangement than the floor where I usually ended up. "I snore." That would be my excuse. Unless I actually formed the ability in the years of being a unstable mess, it was highly likely. "Wouldn't want to bother you with it." "Or Spike, he needs his 'beauty sleep' to impress Rarity," Twilight laughed. A baby dragon and a pony? I chose not to search any further into the subject. "I'll bring down the quilt, though." Twilight stood from her red pillow, this time bringing the notes with her, and proceeded up the stairs while I lay like the incapacitated idiot I was. It was hard to believe all of this had happened over the course of a day. One day, you struggle to contain the various alcohols polluting your body and successfully stand up, the other, you're being studied by magical talking ponies. She returned shortly after with a giant blue quilt which I was sure she was going to suffocate me with for being so uncooperative. Not like I would have fought back, I already died once. Standing up, I took the quilt from her and spread it evenly across the couch. I then took off the long-suffering jacket and rested on the floor besides me. This had to be the most prepared for sleep I was in years: actually expecting it rather than collapsing into it. As Twilight reached the stairs on her way to her own bed, she said, "Thanks for putting up with this, Max. I can't imagine how confusing things must be for you." I tried to think of some 'witty' comeback about how I've been through stranger times, but I hadn't, and that was shown in my lack of response. "There's stuff in the fridge if you need it, and the bathroom's always open." It came to me that I hadn't used the bathroom for any actual physiological needs all day. Side effects from travelling to other worlds. "Night, Max, see you tomorrow." "See ya." The switch clicked, and I was, instead of being plunged, lowered into darkness. I sat on the quilt and glanced around. This was my new home? A library in a world inhabited by fantasy. Wasn't exactly the retirement I had planned, but then again, neither was Brazil several years ago. I rested the war-torn spine that resented me so on the couch. It was warm enough to not need the quilt for anything but a cushion, which was good, because I had doubts on being able to move again. I said I had wanted a job, something to at least earn money and get out of the library for a bit. Biding my time wasn't something I was very good at. It usually ended in broken bottles, a liver disease and an unpaid electric bill. That was the next objective on this crazy train, that apparently had a never ending supply of coal. With those last few puzzled thoughts nestled in my mind, I drifted off to sleep relatively easy. The library was a cold, dark place, it's books losing all sense of physics and crashing onto the ground. The flooring swirled with wooden tornadoes, catching my eye and bringing it to the jacket I had laid upon the ground. There was a gleaming white note placed on top of it, and something disturbingly familiar about the handwriting. "You are in a piece of fan-fiction, Max." The truth was a red hot pierce through my brain. Writing tools bordering my head, a box in which every single action I took was made. The deletion of words only to be replaced by the exact same ones with a capital letter, and the notes of what was to come clinging on to the bottom of my life. The insane idea that putting myself in a world of talking ponies created by even crazier authors. The optional rating system, where my life was judged and how it's fate hung in the balance of a single click, the amount of 'views' dictating whether my journey was worth continuing. I was in an online fan-fiction. Funny as hell, it was the most horrible thing I could think of. While it wasn't the most threatening, or long, dream I experienced, it didn't change the surreality sticking with me. Turns out I didn't need a stab of Valkyre to see my innermost thoughts, I got free samples. Through my sleep, I had somehow managed to stay on board the couch, and my bones refused to move as I opened my eyes. There was an aching pain in my neck, accompanied by a dull headache. It was the best I had felt in years. It said a lot about my life, but I didn't care, I finally had a complete lack of responsibility. No hunting for criminals or trying to debunk a conspiracy. The one thing I was focusing on? Getting a job. It was like I was sixteen again. Minus the baldness, the stomach and the tired joints which told me to check myself into an old person's home. After failing to launch myself into a sitting position several times, I eventually fell on to the floor, the cold thump reviving me. New York's finest, my ass. Nature's call got the better of me though, slapping me into consciousness before I could fall asleep there. I clambered up to my feet, and made my way to the bathroom upstairs. Spotting the main room's clock, it read ten minutes past seven. Through the windows I saw the haze of clouds making way for the blinding sun rays. It was going to be another perfect day in Ponyville. The stairs stayed silent as I reached the top, and entered the bathroom without disturbing anyone. I left my jacket downstairs, but remembered I was out of painkillers anyway. Would have to refill those, I wondered if the doctor would be willing to resupply. After using the toilet, then washing my hands and face, I left, neglecting the option of a shower. What was one more day? Exiting the bathroom, I caught Spike on the way there. "Hey Max," He said, and then yawned. "Hi... isn't this an early time to be awake?" "Nah, I went to bed pretty early. Besides, I like getting a head start on some of the chores around here. Means more sleep later." "Do you enjoy all the work you have to do?" If this was how Spike paid the rent, I'd move. "It's a pain in the scales sometimes, but it keeps Twilight happy. And, therefore, the fridge full of hay fries," He pointed out. "Fair enough. See you in a bit." "See ya!" He said, and then vanished into the bathroom. I wasn't sure if Ponyville had a social services department, but it might be worth giving Spike their number. I made my way to the kitchen to see what ponies had for breakfast. Opening the fridge revealed a lot of pony-style salad stuff, but also milk and hay fries. Spike wouldn't mind if I stole a few. A glint also caught my eye in the back, and I rummaged through to it, pulling out a ruby. Ponies... ate rubies? They were edible in this world? In curiosity, I tried to take a bite. Hard as a rock, which, essentially, is what it was. I put it back in, and was thankful no one was around to see my idiocy. So, back to the most important meal of the day, sticks and milk. I don't know what was so damn addictive about them, but they would have to serve for most of the energy spent today. Milk would have to be my toothpaste. Even when I sort of had a home, I lived like a bum. There was bits of paper on the kitchen shelf alongside a quill, but this time, plain, without the notes of my instability. I took one, preferring to leave without Twilight's consent. Reaching the couch again, I began writing. Gone exploring... might get some kind of job. Max. Simple, effective. With that done, I placed it on the quilt-covered couch and put on my jacket. You could call it an adventure, or boredom. Either way, I was eager to get out before being cornered by Twilight and having questions forced on me. I did a few morning stretches, I wasn't ready for suddenly locking up in the middle of the street. The satisfying cracks of bones acted as a reminder I was still alive and intact, as unfortunate that was for everyone else. I opened the library door and exited into the gentle morning warmth, the skies still slightly dark with night's presence refusing to leave, but then disappearing strangely fast. There wasn't many ponies instantly spottable, while still too early, I had to assume they had jobs. The swaying of the short, bedewed grass I walked upon was a nice alternative to broken pavements and makeshift stairs. It hit me that I had no idea where I was going. I wasn't up for randomly asking ponies if they need something done. They must have, I thought, some sort of notice board in a town this small. Maybe there I could help search for a lost dog or delivering something. With little idea of the directions, I went for, what I hoped was, the town centre by following the larger pathways. Ponyville was a modest, unassertive place, it's presence seemingly unnoticeable even from inside. Maybe it was only due to the morning hour, but everything sat quietly to itself, even the homes had that quality, each separated from the other. They were a lot different from any of the houses I've seen, colour-wise and size. The sharp-pointed roofs of straw and different sections of the house protruding in different directions. It had some kind of advanced renaissance feel to it. After some more walking, I could smell the bakeries beginning to come alive, the scent of pastries being carried through the streets by the soft breeze. Hopefully there wasn't some kind of morning rush hour where I would get swept away in the charging crowds. Not that I believed there would be that many ponies living here. Ending up at a fountain with a grey pony statue on top, I came to the town square. It was a wide circle, separated by a huge structure in the centre which must have been the town hall. There were various plants and flags dotting it, but it was more-or-less devoid of anything else, save for a few ponies. Some of which, I saw, were guards. Gold-plated armour and stern faces as they hung outside random buildings. Though there were no exchange of head movements, we were definitely watching each other. I wondered if they perceived me as a threat. And then, like the sick person I am, how I could dispatch one of them. It's not like they were my enemy, if anything, they were protecting me just as much as the citizens. I guess after so much experience you can't block out some thoughts. While I didn't see a notice board anywhere in the square, after closer inspection, there was a collection of papers stuck to the town hall's walls. The tall structure was slightly elevated by a wooden base, of which the stairs were connecting to. I walked the few steps and skim-read through most of the notes. Many of them had no relevance to me. Construction in certain areas, some kind of small pastry tax, 'diamond dogs' applying for citizenship for Equestria. When I was finally around to the public-made information, I was interrupted. "Um... excuse me?" A voice suddenly broke my awful literacy skills, dragging my attention from the memos and to a magenta-coloured female pony. Her neck craned away from me as I turned to face her, my hulking mass apparently making her nervous. "Hi, do you remember me from the welcome party by any chance?" She asked, returning to a normal, friendly stance. A pink, two-shaded mane with three flowers on her backside? Didn't ring any bells. Hell, I didn't know anyone other than Twilight and a few of her friends. "Sorry, no... I wasn't really in the mood for socialising yesterday." Or through the rest of my life. "Oh, that's okay, there were hundreds of ponies there. Anyway, I'm Cheerilee, I teach the elementary school down the road, and... I was just wondering if you might be willing to join one of my classes for a little one-off presentation." "Presentation?" Already I was quite against the idea: somehow I got the impression that I wouldn't cope well against children. "Well, more like a short question and answer. I think it would be really interesting for the children to learn about the nature of other species, especially one as rare as yourself! Wouldn't it be fascinating to have children more educated in human ethology and zoology than their parents?" She spoke quickly, with excitement and pride, but I was still trying to figure out what half of that sentence meant. Was this my job offering? It wasn't exactly what I expected, and would I even get paid? I didn't want to press her about the details, she was clearly too eager to start and must of overlooked that. Or maybe I was just a greedy bastard. It sounded simple enough. Just like talking to Twilight about humanity. I should probably be less explicit though. According to my brain, I had already come to a decision. "Alright then, sure." "Oh, brilliant! Thank you so much! The class is actually going to start in an hour, at eight thirty, so there's no rush." "I might as well come along now. It was kind of why I was here in the first place. Looking for a job of some sort, something to do." I hoped that would imply my selfish desire for money enough to get something arranged. I didn't quite remember what I wanted the money for. I guess it would just be an accomplishment to note down, for what little I actually did. "Okedoke, follow me then," She said happily. That feeling of not knowing what I was heading into returned, criticizing my impulsive life once more. I followed the pink mare for fifteen or so minutes, before reaching the the school. It was pretty small, especially as it looked like the entire town's only one. It was out of the way, blocked off only by a fence and up a path away from the main houses. If I could describe it as anything, it resembled a red barn. That sounded as though it could be racist, being ponies and all. "Okay, we're here, but we still have quite a bit of time before the school opens. Would you like to come in?" Cheerilee asked, smiling as she opened the front doors. It was much bigger on the inside, a main hall diverting routes to different classes. Good, I can't imagine how stressful it would be if she was the only teacher. "No, thanks, think I'll have a wander outside." That seemed to be the motto for me now, a 'see what happens' stance on this new life. I'd soon see if that ended up with more trouble than I could handle. I didn't exactly have a healthy bank account to bargain my way out of things, it was a coughing vacuum of empty space. "I'll come get you when we begin then, I have a bit of marking to do for my other class. I do hope Scootaloo hasn't drawn rainbows all over her test again," She muttered to herself, before disappearing into the school. And like that I was left to the preferred company of myself. I had no idea what i was going to do for forty-five minutes, but I never found boredom a problem. With a lack of children so far, the swings were empty, and they looked inviting. Ending that thought process as soon as it began, I wasn't about to humiliate myself by confirming the foolish mindset I had going on. Besides, it would be pretty disturbing to see me having fun- when that happens, hell'll freeze over, and I'll be pushed down it's waiting list. Inspecting the road that lead back to the heart of the town, I thought I could see some kind of strip of shops, one in particular being a tobacco shop. Might be an interesting hobby to take up. They still had drugs that caused harm then, so long as they were legal. Opposing that road was one that lead higher into the hills. It edged it's way across back to that city perched dangerously on the side of a mountain. Insurance must be murder for that place. Several spires launched into the sky, stemming from a castle much different to anything I've seen before. They were heavily set on gold colours, and the towering domes seemed oddly reminiscent of St. Basil's Cathedral, in the Moscow Kremlin. Hopefully that didn't say much about the government here. I didn't realise my eyesight was that impressive, especially when I managed to read the side of a carriage trailing down the road towards me. 'Canterlot News Corp.' I figured it was in the interests of both me and the princess if I avoided that. They wanted me on the down-low for now, and it looked as though one cocky news team felt a certain rumour might lead to an award. If they already spotted me, I doubted they'd be willing to give me a head start away. I wasn't about to get on all fours and neigh, so instead, I scurried my way to the front door of the school and hastily closed it behind me with a bang. Turning around, I saw Cheerilee's head emerge from one of the classrooms. "Max, is something wrong?" "There's a news team heading here. The princess said that they can't make this lead to some kind of investigation yet." "Right, I heard about that. No one but Ponyville for now. That would explain the recent influx of guards..." She thought to herself for a moment, "Well, as long as they don't search here you'll be fine." She smiled, but then a knock hit the door, completely wiping her face. "Shit," I remarked intelligently. In a school as well, I was a terrible example for children. "That's gotta be them." That rush of adrenaline that had been so overdue finally arrived, but I never thought it'd be in the form of me hiding from ponies. I was making a mockery of my former self, if Mona could see me now, she'd probably regret that brief fling. "Okay, okay, stay in my classroom, I'll talk to them," Cheerilee said, ushering me closer. I went into her class, the first on the right, and circled around so I was on the opposite side of the wall close to the door. I heard the door open, and Cheerilee was assaulted with a fast string of talking. "Snap Shot, CNC News," A female's voice introduced, "Can you confirm rumours of harbouring a mythical creature in this town? Is it true that there is a collaboration with the elements of harmony to keep everything under wraps? What about the princesses? Are they..." As she went on asking all the right questions, I had to think how she knew everything so far. Still, without proof, they wouldn't get anywhere. All it took was one pony with a camera though. I guessed there was a group of ponies at the door, as was usual with paparazzi types. Cameraman, reporter, sound guy, the van, or carriage, driver. They probably had more technical names. Was I really considered worth a following? Of a news story? Again? At least this one might not be labelled as a manhunt. Usually when I was shielding myself behind a wall, it would end in a new paint job, three hundred dollars worth of ammunition, and one hell of a cleaning bill- depending on who invited whom. This 'skirmish' was slightly less expensive, as Cheerilee seemed to be waiting for the reporter to stop talking. If they were trying to pressure her into answering, they were doing a bad job of it. After long last, the barrage of questions ended, leaving the school in silence. "Are you finished?" She asked politely, but with a hint of amused impatience. After receiving what I assumed were nods, she continued. "Well, firstly, I feel inclined to tell you that if we had a mythical creature living among us, it wouldn't exactly be mythical, would it? My students know that, and they're at least twenty years younger than you." Ouch. "Yes, but-" The reporter tried to argue back, but was stopped by the teacher. "Secondly, are you honestly intending to interrogate ponies at this time? I highly doubt anypony will be willing to speak to you when even school has yet to start." "W-which is why if you simply-" Once again, she was cut off by the teacher's authority. "Finally, no, everything you said was most likely a prankster who phoned in. Now please, I'll gladly escort you from the premises if you are persistent on staying here. I won't have the children's learning disrupted." I heard no response or attempt to counter, just the door slowly close shut. I walked back into the hallway and saw Cheerilee wipe her head with a hoof. "You really told them what for." "I did, didn't I? I hope I didn't seem too aggressive, but I really didn't want them to stay any longer and distract the students. Would you say it was a bit angry?" "...Yeah," I admitted, and Cheerilee cringed. "Still, nicer than any of my responses would've been." Bullets, bones and a serious lack of bandages. "Might be best if I stay here for now, don't want to catch them on their exit." "Come on in then, we still have thirty minutes." She lead me back into my hiding spot and now I could actually take in the surroundings of the room. It was fairly big, about the size of Twilight's front room, with the teacher's desk at the head of everything. There was a plethora of multi-coloured mats for the young students to sit down on, as well as toy-boxes and painting equipment around the edges of the room. I was a definite stick in the mud here, the out-of-place aura of depression in a room of happy, swirling colours. I took a seat on one of the tiny kid-sized chairs near Cheerilee's desk, a shortage of balance and my tremendous weight threatening to break it at any second. Cheerilee went to work with a number of papers created by her students, delightfully marking them with a smiley face stamp. The frown stamp was at the corner of the desk, untouched and layered with dust. "So..." I started up, "I haven't seen any of the other teachers yet, are in their rooms or something?" "No, they haven't arrived yet. Apparently, I'm the only one who chooses to get here early," She said with some annoyance as she continued to stamp. I almost tempted her to bring out the forbidden frown stamp, I was sure. "You must be dedicated." "I don't see how you can't be in this profession. You have many students relying on you, each and every one of them needs you. Even if they don't realise it." I would have loved to be schooled in Ponyville. Then again, what would a higher education for me help with? The ratio of bodies to bullets, the probability of my death, testing the toxicity of my blood. Some time later, it hit eight thirty, and the bell rang. Normally, my head would continue ringing long after it stopped, but then I remembered, I didn't have a hangover. The teachers arrived shortly before and let it the masses of children, each going into separate classrooms. I was sitting comfortably on the chair against the wall, trying to guess the reaction of the entrants. The small bodies funnelled in, and as soon as they saw me, kept locked on even as they all sat down. Most of them were completely silent, while others chatted, most likely about me, to their friends. I didn't know the age differences between humans and ponies, but I made the assumption that they were around five, six or seven, considering the second grade-style toys that were around. The oasis of big eyes all looked up to me and Cheerilee, and she was grinning at their wonder. Deciding that I shouldn't look too intimidating, I attempted to forge a smile. I could sense my muscles aching, my mind asking why I was doing such a thing. True, I didn't have much to be happy about, but I also didn't have much to be pissed off at. Pink would be proud. Cheerilee was the one to start off, "Good morning, everypony." The students stopped their gawking to continue the morning welcomes. In unison of mixed voices, they said, "Good morning, Miss Cheerilee." "Now, I'm sure you've all noticed something out of place in the classroom today. Would anyone like to suggest what that could be?" A legion of hoofs shot up, all the while their heads fixed on either me or Cheerilee. I couldn't help but chuckle as I crossed my legs, of which they observed intently. "Dinky?" Cheerilee pointed to a blond-maned, small, grey unicorn. "Max the Human!" She said joyfully, instigating a few mutterings of approval from her classmates. "Well done, Dinky! How did you know his name?" Cheerilee praised. "My mommy said she saw him at the library party! But it was near my bed time so I couldn't go," She replied, now frowning lightly. "Well now this is our chance to talk to Max, as he has offered to speak with us today." I wouldn't exactly say offered. "So, Max," She turned to me, "First of all, what is the human world like?" Don't talk about drugs. "It's very similar to what you all have here..." Or weapons. "Which is pretty weird when you think about it. I'd say the only main differences are the lack of talking ponies and magic." Or crime. One of the children, a young male, raised his hoof. He was entirely blue, but both wingless and hornless. Cheerilee nodded at him, allowing him to ask. "If ponies can't talk, what do they do?" "Humans... keep them safe... because they aren't as smart as you ponies. They keep them together so they can eat, race and... other animal stuff." Trying to keep the conversation innocent and safe was much harder than I initially imagined. One of the other students suddenly yelled. He had a mixed brown and white coat, with a clear foreign accent. Accompanying that was a black eye-patch and a red bandanna. "Are there human pirates?!" Cheerilee stopped my response, "Pipsqueak, please, raise your hoof next time. And do you really have to keep wearing that? Nightmare night was over months ago." "My mum said it makes me look 'dashing'!" He exclaimed. Cheerilee and a few of the children laughed. "Be that as it may, if you find it's making it harder to read the board later in the day, remember to take it off. Anyway, Max?" I guessed he wasn't referring to the murdering rapists that are modern pirates. Good thing I wasn't talking to Twilight, I would be digging myself into a hole without any ladders. "Not so much anymore... but you could still find them if you searched hard enough. There's probably still battles for rum." That seemed to reinvigorate in him a love for the pirate way, now knowing that they spanned worlds. "Can I sign up?" "If you can find a way back, kid, you're welcome to try." Even if he did find a way back, I wouldn't let him be corrupted by that life in my world. Another small hoof was picked, an tanned orange coated female with a yellow mane. "Are you famous? Is that why you were picked to come here?" "Not exactly, I didn't choose to come here, it just kinda happened. As for famous?" The undeserving fame I accumulated was just a compliment to my lack of morality. If anybody recognised me, they would stay away in fear of imminent death, and rightly so. "Nah, not famous." The questions went on for some time, these kids were really interested. Or, like I would be, were doing this to waste school time. They were gradually getting more comfortable around me and vice versa, the fate of the Equestria didn't hang in the balance of these questions, so I had nothing to worry about. I leant in further, easily absorbing the questions and enjoying the peace of mind that came about from conversing with some children. Trivial subjects came and went- pets, school and human jobs, but then they came to a question I had no idea how to answer. What was my cutie mark? "What's a cutie mark?" I asked, confused. Looks like I was about to learn a lesson from the kids, as each of them contributed their own little bit into the explanation. "It's the mark you get when you discover your one special talent!" "It says what you'll be good at and what job you'll get!" "It stays with you forever! Look at Miss Cheerilee's!" I looked back to Cheerilee, who was pointing at the three smiling flowers. I remember being bewildered by them when I first exited the hospital, but I never pursued it any further. A mark that symbolises your talent that'll stay with you forever? I estimated I was the only one who thought that sounded terrifying. What would mine be? A bottle of pills, a shattered skull? A broken shield. A split shield, cracked and drowned in alcohol. "Humans don't have them." Neither did these kids, but I could accurately suspect that Pipsqueak's would be something to do with adventure. "Then how are you supposed to find the perfect job for you?" Cheerilee abruptly asked, dragging my attention from the kids. "You learn all about what you want to be. I think that's as simple as I can put it. Requirements, knowledge and experience." "What's your job?" A child of the crowd wondered. I did not like the signs passing by this road to regret. 'Failure' and 'embarrassment' blocked any chance of a U-turn out of it. "I used to protect people, like one of your royal guards." "Like an action hero!" One of them called out. "Stopping the bad guys with pies and eclairs!" This elicited excited gasps from them all. Really? Pies and éclairs were the equivalent to rifles and grenades out here? The adults were just as innocent as the children. Still, I preferred this reprehensible fame to the truth, no matter how mocking it was to my ill-fated life. "Have you ever saved a princess while stopping a hundred manticores?!" They were getting really riled up for this, so I went along. Just replace 'princess' with trophy wife and 'manticores' with well-armed drug dealers. "Actually, yeah, something like that." I was willing to bend the stained blade that cut through my life back on itself, using it for my own selfish fun. And I didn't care. "I remember defending myself and the crew of a ship against a horde of angry sharks while we were sailing back to land, they were knocking the deck about and ripping the hull apart." What the fuck am I talking about? "What did you do?!" An eager, young mare asked. "I went down into the diver's cage and punched them all in the face." Cries of "Awesome!" and "Woah!" were being repeated through the room. They were adoring the fictitious lies streaming from my mouth, and their amazement was fuelling my own energy, allowing me to stand up and act out certain scenes of other stupid bullshit. "And there was this one time I was stuck on an island full of zombies," I didn't even know what I was saying anymore. I guess by zombies I meant corrupt officers. "And I had to lure them into an elaborately set-up trap. I kept kicking them into cages and holes..." Electric fences. "...Before I could inject them with an antidote." Lead. Again, more cheering and noises of commendation went up, the kids taken by the product of too many late night movies. I was stood in a fighting stance, having defeated the last zombie in my drug-addled mind, grinning with my fake victory and false euphoria. "Wow! You must be super strong!" Pipsqueak said, looking up at my immense size in comparison with himself. If by strong, he meant being unable to prop myself out of bed in the morning, then I had been taking steroids instead of painkillers this whole time. "Can you lift us up on your human arms?!" He said again, circling me as I was slowly forced into the middle of the room by the flocks of ponies. I may have took this too far, but I had my old friend adrenaline back, and it wasn't a fight or flight situation. "Sure," I knelt down, my back cracking with age and built up stress. It was then I was consumed by the entire class, all enveloping me in their individual weights. I had them hanging off my arms, back, shoulders and legs, like a swarm of oddly-shaped growths. It was a struggle at first, but somehow, I forced myself up, pushing myself past the immense mass and lifting them into the sky. My face was red with over-exertion, I could tell, but the encouraging cries of my minions ushered me forward, my legs driving ahead, taking them on a sky-high journey. Their laughter filled the air, and I'm pretty sure one of the was dangling from my head. I stumbled my way to the ends of the room and back. Momentarily, I was a shadow of my former self, I was, along with these kids, having that mystery to me known as 'fun'. The regret, guilt and pity of my former life had vanished, washed away by the last beacon of innocence known to man. Like all good things, my body couldn't allow this to continue, choosing to crumble before me. The energy wore off, and I was brought to the ground by the sudden realization that I was a moron carrying a dozen kids on my back. I fell to the ground, the kids jumping off before impact, and landed into the soft mats layering the floor. Everyone was laughing at me, including myself, as I lay defeated on the floor. Breathing heavily, I held my hand to my smooth head as I prepared for one hell of a headache. Funny, usually it'd be a hangover. A short burst of coughing left my lungs burning, and moved me upright. I made my way slowly back to the seat as the children took their own back on the floor. Cheerilee looked about as entertained as the children did, and I rested my back against the cold, white wall from the position on my miniature chair. "So..." Cheerilee started once the children were calm and listening once more, my major distraction clearly having an affect on their learning. She should have anticipated that as soon as she hired me. "Any other questions for Max?" There was a halted silence, lasting only several seconds before a random voice suggested, "Why do you smell so bad?" About five years old and already capable of insulting me successfully. Kid's gonna go far. Then again, I took the opportunity, and I could easily smell myself. "Yeah... Ol' Max has yet to test out pony showers. Thanks for confirming that." The small blond unicorn's, Dinky's, eyes swiftly went wide, and she called out to me. "Max! Can you read us a story?" I didn't think I was too adaptable to take on this situation, but I looked at Cheerilee, and her nod stated a mutual trust in me not to screw this up. "Alright, pick out something." Dinky's eyes lit up and she raced to the bookshelf to her side. She scrambled through the many books on the shelves, and once she had her target, neatly reorganised them back into place. She brought the thin-looking book in her mouth to me, and I scanned over the book as she took her seat. I skimmed through the small number of pages there were to get a better idea of what I was up against. Surprisingly, it struck a major resemblance to the 'ugly duckling' story that everyone was familiar with. I always entertained myself with the idea of being a narrator, so with little else to do, I improvised some of the lines. "There once was an duckling, born into a healthy family of happy ducks. This duckling, however, was different. This duckling bore with him the weight of his crushing anxiety for the day to come, the crippling depression that sprouted from months of ridicule. All of this, because he was considered an 'ugly duckling'." My audience, without looking up, I could tell, were both confused and enthralled. "As each day passed, he faced countless challenges that threatened to strip the fibre of his being to the bare core of it's upset soul. The torment and anguish fired from his peers was nothing of that compared to what he wished to redirect back at them. He contemplated many things, but each time he became perched on the quicksand of dread that he was sure would swallow him." Was I scaring them? I think I was scaring Cheerilee, she might be the only one who understood most of this. "Each night was a frenzy of worry and remorse, a pit forming in his stomach, indicating the emptiness of his life. Until one fateful night, when the duckling woke the next day. Erratic feelings overwhelmed him as he caught a glimpse of himself in the river. Ecstatic, the duck saw he was-" The bell rang out, ending my brief career as a children's narrator, and causing a clamouring of "Awwwh." So, somehow, they were appreciating my apparent skills, and were reluctant to be lead outside by Cheerilee. "Sorry class, but recess is recess, and you need to be prepared for the surprise spelling quiz I have in store." This echoed more groans of disapproval from the class, but, gradually, they emptied the class. All but one, the young, grey unicorn Dinky, who took the book back off me. "Max?" She asked. "Yeah?" "Will you be back maybe to finish it?" "Huh, I don't know. You really want me back?" "Yeah! That was the bestest lesson ever! Humans are cool!" "Then I'll think about it," I assured, and she beamed me a smile before being escorted by Cheerilee outside. For once, a job well done. I managed to not scar the minds of the youth too much, and even have a fan. Progress. Again, I would advise otherwise for the poor girl, but something in this room possessed me to admire my short time here. Probably the most fun I've had in my entire life. The stories that twisted the already unbelievable events of my life, while a massive jeer to the fallen in my life, released something from me. "That really was something," Cheerilee said, standing in the doorway. "Yeah... do you think I laid on the vocabulary a bit much?" "...Yeah, but it was quite astounding seeing them all riled up. You are really good with kids, you know that?" If only... "I... need to be going. Might as well see if there's any other jobs on the market while I'm out here." "Oh, Max, let me pay you something then..." She trotted over to her desk and brought out a purse, engraved was her cutie mark. I was really getting the hang of this. "Sorry, it's not much, I don't carry much with me." She handed me a dozen gold coins, more than enough to at least have a day of exploring shops. "Keep it. I don't need it." I filtered them all back into her purse, lost riches falling into the dark depths. "But... I thought you were looking for extra money?" "It's a human thing. If I'm enjoying it, it's not a job. Thanks." "If you're sure..." She said, and then started to take everything back to her desk. "You remember the way back home, right?" "Yeah, no problem." "Good. Thank you, Max, I have the feeling these kids won't forget you for a while. It's been a pleasure." "All mine, see you, Cheerilee." As I reached the corridor, she called my name one last time. "Max? One last thing, you didn't really punch all those sharks in the face?" "Heh, nope. Never been near one." "Just checking," She smiled, and we departed. Once more, and probably for the final time, I walked up the stairs leading to the town hall and started reading the messages. Aside from the several memos about meeting times, there was one particular note which punched me square in the jaw. It must have been recently added, I would have noticed it before. Bodyguard Wanted for Guarding of Magical Performance! I couldn't help it- I started laughing. The rare time I showed any emotion and it was down to amusement from my own failures. At least there was barely anyone around to see me cover my face in my grinning folly. Each snicker was another kick to a former acquaintance's tombstone. This... I was considering this as my redemption for my piss-poor job as a previous bodyguard. Whatever the conditions, I was taking this job. I swore I could hear the corpses of the Branco's howling with laughter. I read further down, but it was relatively vague. Outskirts of the Everfree forest if interested, must be willing to get messy. Unless that was innuendo for getting blood on my hands, I didn't have a problem with dirt. I doubted this would be a serious job, life-or-death, seeing as how so far they hadn't heard of guns. Maybe an intimidation mission. Outskirts of the Everfree... that was where I passed out, I remember the doctor saying. This would be the perfect opportunity to ask both the route there, and for more painkillers. I could remember my way to the doc's, it was only yesterday I was lying there with a bandage around my head, sealing in all my confusion. I can't remember when or where I took it off, but the infection seemed to have healed, leaving a faint scar denting my shiny head. Ignoring everything else, I started off towards the hospital, ready for another fix. Old habits die hard, and this one would go out guns blazing.