//------------------------------// // Humping is magic // Story: Halo man in Equestria: Humping is Magic // by Good Christian Ethesto //------------------------------// Authors Note: Woopie, a long chapter that actually has some action! Also some gore and shit, not that bad tbh, so calm your miniscule balls. ---------------- "Captain Shining Armor, assemble the guards! Captain OC pony, evacuate the town into the castle. They won't be safe out there. Twilight, I want you and the other unicorns to do a changeling check on everypony once they get here, you know what to do if you find one." The two captain ponies saluted and headed off to do their respective tasks while Twilight gave her best impression of a salute and answered. "Of course, Princess. We mildly hurt them and put them into the dungeon." Alright, that's all cool and stuff. Now what am I supposed to do? "Oi Princess, what am I supposed to do?" Celestia looked at me for a second before answering. "Protect the castle however you see fit. You probably have more experience than I do with fighting, and I'm still not sure what those weapons do, so I'll leave you in charge of that." "Alright, I can do that." I nodded to her and left the throne room to find a nice spot to defend. I still have no idea how many changelings are coming, but one things for sure, I'm gonna' have a lot of humping to do. All around me the castle was filled with panicking ponies running around. The guards were trying to get to their posts while civilians and castle slaves were running around trying to get to somewhere safe to hide at. This really wasn't very organized, hopefully the enemy sucks or we're screwed. After walking for a short time, I came to the front door of the castle, which was wide open. There was now a steady stream of civilian ponies running in, but I was easily able to slip out since the door is so big. It didn't take long for me to notice what was scaring the ponies so much. Off in the distance was a big black cloud of what I assumed to be changelings flying towards us. The buzzing could clearly be heard even from here so they likely had at least several hundred if not several thousand soldiers. Well shit, I only have like sixty-something bullets. And my sword will run out of energy eventually if I keep stabbing things without letting it recharge. Usually I can only use it about ten times before it runs out of energy entirely, of course that's on halo guys with personal force fields. It takes a lot more energy to slice through those. With that said, it stands to reason that now that I'm fighting things that probably don't have force fields, it will take less energy to slice through them and therefore I can use the sword more. Last I have my grenades which I'll only be able to use if they land in a big group. Seeing how many of them there are, that's pretty likely. Unfortunately, even with all of my weapons, that's not nearly enough to kill them all. I'll probably have to resort to punching them or hitting them with chairs if the fight goes on for that long. I guess I have my radar too, that can help. I looked at it for the first time all day and noticed that the ponies near me on my radar showed up as yellow dots instead of red dots. Maybe because they're my allies now. Now I just had to wait till the changelings got here. Damn it, I hate waiting. I looked around for something to entertain myself and saw a group of guards that stood watch a little ways in front of the main door. Perhaps they'll be fun. I walked up to the guards and they noticed me immediately. I suppose being a six-foot tall bipedal creature with sparkling purple armor and a pimp hat does make you stick out a bit in a world full of small four-foot tall pony creatures. "What's up?" I asked casually as I got close. The guards all looked up, clearly not understanding my hip lingo. "Well the sky, the sun, space, air, clouds, an army of changelings... Take you pick." Or he was just being an ass. "Good enough. So are you guys super excited for the upcoming attack?" I was really just trying to make conversation now, I get bored too easily... The same guard as before just gave me a blank stare before answering. "Why would we be excited for that? The last thing I wanted to do today was fight an army of savage monsters." "Personally, I think they look kinda' cute." It's true, the dead body of the changeling I saw just looked absolutely adorable. I just want a baby one to love and hold and squeeze forever. I wonder if they are larvae as babies, tiny larvae ponies just sound adorable. "Heh, whatever you say. I think they look pretty terrifying." "I doesn't afraid of anything... Except tanks... And banshees. But I have plenty of reason to be scared of those." Stupid op banshees... After a few moments of silence the guard turned to me again. "Soooo, you're supposed to be a good fighter or something. Do you think you can beat them all?" I shrugged. "Meh, maybe. We'll see." Yeah, I'm not very inspirational, but I'm really not entirely positive that I'll be able to fight all of them, and I really hate lying. For all I know, they will have some powerful magic that can easily kill me. Now that I think about it, I really don't know much about the enemy aside from that they can change form and fly. It's gonna suck when they get here and they all have alien laser swords too. Whatever, that will probably not happen. Of course, I'm pretty open minded at this point. After spending a day in a castle with magical colorful talking ponies of varying race I'd be stupid not to be. Or what if, when they get here, I find out that the ponies that I'm with have all been changeling all along and I've been punked. I looked around for Ashton Kutcher, but that bastard was either hiding really well, or not here at all. Or what if they are all robots and they tricked me into helping them stop the changeling revolution against the pony version of Skynet. Or even more likely, what if all the ponies are secretly giant centipedes in pony costumes and the changelings are giant cockroach tarantulas with a grudge. I shook my head a little trying not to think about than. I hate centipedes... It's a lot to think about, but now is not the time. Besides, even if they are centipedes, which seems very likely at this point, I still said I'd help them. Unfortunately, the changelings didn't give me all day to think of a myriad of possible things that could happen as they entered the city. Those in the front of the swarm started to dive bomb into the city making small green explosions as they landed in the streets. Well, that's not good. From what I've learned, explosions are generally a bad thing. Unfortunately, the crowd of colorful civilian ponies still hadn't all made it inside the castle and the swarm was coming in fast. Damn, looks like I'll have to do the right thing and protect the entrance while they all come in... Too bad this is likely the worst place to be right now. If they were halos instead of pony insects this whole area would be carpet bombed by grenades in seconds. I hate grenades... Bungie help me, these things better not have grenades. The second one of them pulls out a grenade is the second that the organic fecal waste collides with the revolving plastic blade machine with the primary function of making wind. Yeah... That one was probably too much. Oh well, I'll worry about grenades later. For now, I have ponies to save! With that thought I pulled out my DMR and looked through the scope at the flying changelings. They weren't as far off now, and thankfully with the scope I'm able to be accurate from pretty far away. Alright, this will be just like fighting giant enemy crabs. I just have to attack their weak point for massive damage. I aimed my rifle until the reticle was right on one of the flying changeling's heads before taking a shot. The gun fired with a loud 'boom' which clearly startled the nearby guards. Of course, I was used to it, and I also had my helmet to muffle the noise. Unfortunately for the changelings, the loud noise was the least of their problems as my target's head exploded and the body fell motionless towards the ground. Just like with everything else, it looks like the weak point is the head. Then again, shooting them anywhere would probably work too. A little known fact, bullets are pretty deadly. I didn't waste any time thinking over my kill as I quickly selected another target and shot its head off too. A few more bullets and more changelings fell to the ground dead. Unfortunately, the other changelings didn't seem very disturbed by the deaths of their comrades and just kept coming. They were getting close too. I instinctively began reloading while I looked back at the ponies and noticed that the end of the crowd was in sight. They would all be in the castle soon, and we would be able to fall back into a more covered position. The idea of being swarmed from all sides by changelings didn't seem very pleasant at the moment. Well, might as well kill as many as I can now. I aimed back up and unloaded another clip into the oncoming wave of enemies. They were dropping like horse flies. The pun was 100% intended. I wasn't really keeping track, but I had killed at least twenty before we saw the last of the civilians entering the castle. With no further reason to be out in the open, I, along with the group of guards, sprinted after them through the main door. Once we were inside a pair of unicorn guards slammed the double doors closed and bared it with a big piece of wood. Ok, now to figure out where to go. Unfortunately, I'm not very familiar with the castle, so I don't know a good position to defend at. It looks like, once again, I'm stuck at the entrance where the most changelings would likely be coming in at. Looking around, I realized that the guards had the same idea as there were at least fifty of them spread around the large entry room. I honestly have no idea how they expect to fight anything, they weren't even carrying weapons. Maybe they plan on kicking the changelings to death... I suppose I can't judge, I punch things to death all the time. Now if only the enemies we were facing were fish. I hate fish even more than I hate grenades... After a few moments of waiting there, the door started to shake as though it was being struck from the other side. It looks like the changelings have made it to the castle and are trying to break down the door now. "Don't worry!" Yelled out Shining armor who was leading this group of guards. "The shield on the door should hold them off for a very long time!" Oh, well that's just fan-fucking-tastic. They have a force field on the door, why are we even guarding here? Looks like they don't need me here... Now resolved to find a new, more vulnerable, place to defend, I got up and walked off down a nearby hall. What's the point of camping somewhere if no enemies are ever going to come to you? That's just stupid... I only walked for a few moments before I heard a loud bang coming from down the hall. "Well, that can't be good." As I sprinted around a corner I saw the source of the noise. There was a large hole in one wall further down another hall with several changelings climbing through. What the hell? This castle sucks! First off, it's on the side of a mountain. I mean, it's practically asking to be knocked down. Hopefully the changelings don't use their explosions to bring this whole place down because Bungie knows this place is just an accident waiting to happen. Next, apparently the walls are pretty weak. Like, really. The siege has been going on for like a minute or two and the changelings are already breaking their way in. I'd cut them some slack since I'm sure it's hard to build anything without hands, but they have freaking magic. If I had magic I'd make the best castle, with blackjack, and hookers. You know what, forget the castle. But really... And where the hell are the guards? Are they really all protecting the main room? Thankfully I had the initiative to come down here or they would get the shit flanked out of them. Hehe, flanked. Because they are ponies, and they have flanks. And now that I think about it, the castle has a bunch of stained glass windows. Who the hell builds stained glass windows on a defensive structure when the enemy can just fly through them. They're just asking to have an army of bug ponies fly in randomly. Let's hope the ponies were smart enough to make force fields on the windows too, because apparently they are able to do that sort of thing. Whatever, I can worry about that later. Perhaps I'll write Celestia a strongly worded letter on why her castle sucks once the fight is over. For now, I have a small army of changelings swarming through the wall in front of me. The enemy bug ponies quickly took notice of me standing there and ran in my direction. Their intent was obvious, they wanted me dead. Thankfully, I'm no slouch. I pulled up my DMR and started firing down the hall. I hardly even had to aim as it's hard to miss a wall of things running at you. This was starting to remind me of the good old days of fighting halos. Admittedly, it was only yesterday that I was doing that, but I longed to hump my enemy again. With that said I began dry humping in place as I fired my DMR down the hall. They were getting mowed down, but after spending two more clips, I was getting low on ammo and the changelings were gaining ground. Then I remembered my grenades. I chuckled a bit as I pulled the two frag grenades off my belt and tossed them down the hall. They left behind small trails of smoke as they landed in the group of charging enemies before exploding. The blasts sent bodies flying in all directions. It's a shame that the announcer wasn't here right now since those explosions likely killed at least fifteen of them. It would be interesting listening to whatever made up word was used for that. Probably something stupid like 'Killaclysm'. As the smoke cleared I saw the carnage of the hall. Literally every corner was caked in green blood and chunks of changeling. Not even the ceiling was spared from the mess. Now, you may think I'm weird for this, but seeing that mess just made me really want to hump. No, I needed to hump. A very familiar theme came into my head as I ran forward into the gorey mess of the hallway and began humping wildly. "Hump hump hump huuuuump! Hump hump hump huuuuump! Hump hump hump huuuuump! Hump hump hump hump, hump hump hump!" I sang along with the electric guitar from the song. I only then noticed that the surviving changelings had recovered from the sudden blast and were now charging at me again. It looks like I'll have to fight for my right to hump. I pulled out my sword as the closest changeling jumped at me hoping to hit me with a lucky hoof strike. I simply sliced him, or her, I don't know, in half with one swing. The two halves of the severed body fell to the ground in a shower of blood next to the others and I resumed my humping while I sliced through changeling after changeling. About a dozen changelings later and they stopped coming, apparently I killed the entire group that was coming through this hall. Of course, I wasn't done humping just yet. I felt great, I don't think I've ever humped this many enemies at once before. I sat there for Bungie knows how long humping until I heard a voice from behind me. "Are you alright? I heard a noise coming from down here and came to.........." I looked up to see a pair of guard ponies who had just rounded the corner in the hall and stared slack jawed at the carnage before them. They took long enough to get here, by now the changelings would have swarmed through their defenses if I wasn't here. It took them a while before they saw me standing awkwardly there. They both looked at me, then back at the masses of destroyed corpses, then back at me before they did what I assume to be their best impressions of fish. It would have been very comical if I didn't hate fish so much. "Yeah, yeah." I said with a wave of my arm. "Twas easy." It took me a second to notice something strange about my arm. As I looked down at it I noticed it seemed to be resonating some kind of dark red smoke stuff. "Well that's different." I said as I examined whatever it was. It didn't hurt, on the contrary, I felt great right now. Probably the best I've ever felt in my entire life. Maybe I have a little magic after all. Sadly, I wasn't able to stand there all day pondering the mysteries of magic as I heard some yelling coming from the main room where all the guards were stationed. They had likely encountered a problem there, so I suppose it would be in their best interest if I went and helped. I guess I can do that. I looked at the two guards who were still shell shocked at the sight of so much blood and carnage and said, "We should probably go help the others." It took them a second to register that I had spoken, but then they snapped out of their stupors and saluted. "Yes sir!" Then the two of them ran off down the hall towards the rest of the guards. I'm really not sure if it was fear, respect, or both that caused them to act like that. I'm going to go with fear. Oh well, just doin' my job. I sprinted down the hall after them until I got back into the main room. I'm really not sure why they were all screaming, there weren't even any enemies in the room. Then I heard shining armor yelling above them. "Get ready, they've almost broken through the door!" Well apparently the force field on the door wasn't invincible and the guards were panicking. Oh well, now that I'm here, nothing could possibly go wrong. Then the large front door was suddenly knocked off its hinges by a green explosion. One half was launched across the room and landed on one of the guards while the other half simply collapsed onto the marble floor. Sucks to be that guard... The smoke at the door cleared almost instantly to reveal a huge changeling, easily twice the height of the others and far more muscular. It was clad in thick black armor that covered its legs, torso, and head and was armed with a large curved horn and fangs. It was pretty easy to guess that this mean mother fucker was the one who smashed through the door. "Tremble and despair tiny ponies!" It spoke in a deep raspy voice. Now, normally I'm sure that that changeling would be able to slaughter over a dozen guards on its own. Unfortunately for him, I'm here. I simply pulled the sticky grenade from my belt and tossed it at the huge changeling. The blue glowey ball stuck onto its chest plate and the creature looked down and was about to say something before it exploded in a burst of blue fire. The other guards seemed confused as to what just happened until they saw me run forward and hump the body. Once they realized that I had slain the colossal changeling, they let out a loud cheer. That was short lived, however, as a swarm of changelings started flooding through the open doors without warning. I wasted no time before slicing into my enemies with my sword. Unfortunately, the energy was running our fast. The guards on either side of me joined in on the fight. Just as I predicted, they were mostly just kicking the changelings. At least the unicorns could use magic to attack too. You would think that magic would be pretty useful in a fight, but either magic is really weak or these unicorns just sucked. I'm going to go with the latter. Either way, my fellow ponies weren't doing so well. Simply kicking the changelings didn't seem like an effective way of killing them since they just got back up in their blind frenzy. At least I was helping. I already sliced through at least fifteen more of the creatures. I lunged at another but my blade missed somehow. After a second I realized that the blade was just gone altogether, it was clearly out of power. The changeling in front of me took advantage of my temporary confusion and jumped forward, slapping me across the chest with one hoof-like appendage. The attack hardly damaged my armor's shields, but I wasn't about to let them turn me into a halo piñata. With that said, I promptly slapped my assaulter across the face with the laser sword hilt. Like I said earlier, I can use literally anything as a weapon. Keep that in mind as I tell you the sword hilt easily broke the changeling's skull and thus killed it. I quickly humped the body as I slipped the sword hilt back onto my belt. It looks like I'm doing this the old fashioned way. I put up my dukes and gave a nasty punch to the nearest enemy. It's times like these when I'm extremely thankful that I'm a super soldier as my punches were easily able to break any bones that they came in contact with. Unfortunately, without the extra range of the sword, the enemy pony bugs were able to get numerous hits off on me. Sure they didn't do a whole lot, but my shields were dropping steadily from the constant assault. I looked around and noticed that the other ponies weren't having much better luck as the changelings swarmed over them. Well, this sucks. "Fall back to the main room!" Don't mind if I do. Shining Armor was yelling at the remaining guard ponies to run back to the next room. Not a bad choice, we can hopefully regroup there and form a solid defense. Of course, only the faster pegasus ponies and unicorns that were in the back were actually able to escape as the ponies in the front lines were overcome by changelings. I was able to easily sprint out of there and get into the next room. As soon as I got inside, the doors were slammed shut behind me and the unicorns held them there with their magic. It took me a second to notice the hundreds of ponies in the room. Looking around I was able to identify it as the throne room. It's a really open space which is probably why they were keeping a ton of the civilians in here. Looking across the room, I spotted my six friends and the princesses standing together with another group of guards. Then I noticed that the walls were decorated by huge stained glass windows. I face palmed. "Hey guys, let's defend this room with a bunch of entrances that our enemy can easily abuse." I found myself pretty frustrated over how bad this castle was. Someone clearly wasn't thinking when they designed this castle... The other guards seemed to ignore me as they where busy bracing themselves against the door and the civilian ponies were all busy panicking. Oh well, I'm sure they took into account the huge windows when they made their defenses. Maybe the windows are made of some type of unbreakable magic glass. Turns out, no, the windows are just made of normal glass. I say this because suddenly all the windows burst at once sending small shards of glass all across the room. How did I know this was going to happen? Then, of course, hundreds of changelings started flying through the big openings and filling every available space in the room. We were pretty much trapped now, they had us cornered. The changelings and guards were now at a stand off, though, until a big changeling flew in and landed in the middle of the room. "Chrysalis!" Yelled Celestia as she saw her enemy. Apparently this is who Chrysalis is, I think it's safe to assume that it's probably their leader. "Surrender now Celestia, your forces are surrounded! If you don't want harm to come to all your little ponies than you'll stand down now." Celestia looked around the room than returned her eyes to Chrysalis. She looked like she had finally been beaten, of course she would surrender instead of letting harm come to her little ponies. It looked like she was about to admit defeat before I spoke up instead. "Haha, so you're Chrysalis. I was wondering when I'd see your ugly face." It was a pretty stupid taunt, but I successfully got her attention. She turned and looked me up and down. "What are you supposed to be?" She asked with humor in her voice. Oh, you're gonna' laugh at a halo are you? "Giiiiirl, I'm a halo. You best not forget that." I then pulled out my DMR and fired several shots at her. Unfortunately they just kinda' bounced off. "Hahahahaha! My magic is too powerful for your silly weapons to possibly hurt me! Give up fool!" Lol, I don't know the meaning of 'give up'! Actually I do, it's not a tough concept. In fact, I've quit plenty of games before. Unfortunately, I can't just quit the game and teleport out of here, it's not that simple. Looks like I'll have to fight this one out. "Nope." She scowled at me before yelling. "Fine, kill him my children!" Of course, now every eye in the room was on me. The changelings all wanted me dead while the ponies watched in fear. I wasn't going to go down easily though. Before the changelings could even get to me I was already spamming bullets at them. Pew pew. Unfortunately, I ran out after about ten shots. Well, this was getting bad very quickly. Then the changelings all started changing into ponies. Well shit. Now how do I know who to punch? Then I looked on my radar, they still appeared as red dots instead of yellows dots. Well that's helpful. Thankfully, my radar doesn't give a shit what they look like. It's able to easily distinguish between halos who's only difference is their color. As the closest red dot got close to me, I lashed out and smacked it across the head with my DMR. This was easily enough to snap its neck and it fell to the ground limp. I then ran up and humped the body while lashing out at nearby changelings with my impromptu club. Everyone seemed shocked at me humping the bodies, but what do they know? I'm the one kicking ass here, if I want to hump than I'll hump all I want. Another flew at me from above and I hit it in the chest with my gun breaking its ribs and causing it to crash the ground. I stepped on its head while smashing in another's skull with the butt of my gun. One tried to come up behind me, but I was easily able to see it on my radar. I spun around quickly and punched it in the throat with enough force to break trees. Minecraft man would be proud. Before long I was standing on a small mountain of changeling corpses humping to my hearts content. Only then did I notice the red smoke coming from my armor as it started to glow brighter and brighter by the second. Waves of energy even started to come from my body which seemed to repulse the charging changelings. I honestly have no idea what's going on right now... Then suddenly my vision was taken up by white. It was just white as far as I could see in all directions. Then suddenly details started to become clear. I was standing on a field of clouds that went off in all directions and the sky started to get a light blue tint to it. Looking around some more I saw something glowing in the distance that seemed to be calling me to it. As I walked towards the light it got close faster than it should have and I was soon staring up into it. The light soon took shape into a tall golden halo with a rainbow visor who was floating above the clouds. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen... The rainbow visor, that is. "Hello my child. I am Bungie." Oh shit this is Bungie! "Wait, but does that mean... That I'm dead?" Bungie chuckled a bit before answering. "No my child, you are not dead." "But then, why am I here?" "I have brought you here to tell you something very important. You see, you have something great that other halos don't have. The power of the hump." "But why are you telling me this?" "I'm telling you because I selected you out of all my little halos to go forth and save the ponies that I love so very much. You are the only one that can do it because you have something special. You hump indiscriminately, and now you must use the power of the hump." "But how? How do I use that power?" "Don't you see? The power was inside you all along. You simply have to believe." "But, what if I can't do it?" "You can do it, I believe in you! Now go, save the ponies. Become the hero of humping!" Suddenly I found myself back in the throne room atop a mound of bodies. None of the changelings seemed to be able to get close to me now. "What! But how!?" Chrysalis was clearly angry at me being able to defeat her children so easily. "No matter, I'll kill you myself!" She flew up into the air and startle to fire a laser of green energy at me. It crackled in the air as it approached, surely this would be enough to kill me. Then, I suddenly knew exactly what to do I started humping and the red smoke around me materialized into a shield which blocked the attack. After a few seconds she stopped channeling energy into her laser, to see me completely unphased. "B-but, that should have killed you!" I just chuckled while continuing to hump. "Don't you see Chrysalis? Nothing can beat the power of my hump. Because humping... IS MAGIC!" Once I said that I suddenly fired a red ultra hump laser from my body that struck Chrysalis in mid air. She fell to the ground in a heap, but she was still alive. She slowly got to her hoofs as I approached. "No, but... This isn't possible! I should have won!" She backed away as I got closer. "Sorry, but you lose. Gg noob." She looked like she was about to fly off before I gave a quick two hump and hit her with another laser. She was now laying on the ground again, but before she could get up for a second time Celestia and Luna surrounded her. Looking around it looked like the changelings were about to go berserk at seeing their leader get beaten, so I decided to act before they could. With a series of humps I was able to make a dark red shock wave that swept up all the changelings and flung them out the windows and into the distance. I don't know how I knew how to do all these things, perhaps Bungie was right about me being special. I then turned back to Chrysalis who was trying to stand again only to be restrained by Celestia who levitated a pair of cuffs around her arms. "Not this time Chrysalis, you're going to be locked away for a loooong time for trying to hurt my little ponies!" "No! I was supposed to win!" She then scowled at me. "This is all your fault! When I get out I will kill you! Mark my words!" Now was my chance... "Hey Chrysalis. Don't worry, while in prison..." I then pulled a pair of sunglasses out of nowhere and slipped them onto my visor. "You'll have plenty of time to change!" YEEEEEEAAAAAH! Unfortunately, no pony laughed. I thought it was pretty funny. You know, she'll have plenty of time to change. Because she's a changeling... In jail... Tough crowd. Now I know how Amon feels when he tries to tell jokes. ------------- Now with all the humps you can eat!