It all started when I was around ten or eleven years old, I can’t really remember. I was a pretty normal kid, I had a bunch of friends, a great and caring family and I spent hours playing outside. I knew everyone in my classroom, from the tallest girl to the weird kid with braces; but one day someone new appeared in my class wearing a number ten football shirt, with two rainbow pigtails on each side of her light-blue face. She stood there as her father, who possessed similarly coloured hair, was talking with the teacher before leaving her with a kiss on her forehead.
“Stay calm and be cool champ.” her father said.
She and the teacher went to the center of the chalkboard and she introduced herself.
Rainbow Dash.
Who could've known that her name would be imprinted onto my mind for so many years after? And that was just the beginning of my madness for her. I didn’t know it at that moment because I was so young at the time, but I was falling for this girl. It started with a crush, seeing her across the classroom, during recess, as we came to and left school each day. I wasn’t shy at any point of my life, but when I was around her it was different; I couldn’t talk to her, or even approach to her to say hi.
I'd soon discover things about her, she likes singing, playing soccer and almost every other sport the school had, and she’s a sleepy head, according to one of her closer friends.
As the years went by she became even more beautiful... no, I'll just say it outright, she got even hotter. I had so many chances to tell her my feelings, the closest one was when I was fourteen years old and I think it destined to happen, we became friends. Our friendship was a competitive one, singing, sports, school plays, running during recess, getting into the girls or boys bathroom; but we barely talked out of school, she had her friends for that anyway. But when summer vacation ended and a new school year began, our friendship was nothing but a passing "Hi" we never had that level of connection again.
But I still loved her with all my heart.
Years came and went, and suddenly I realised it was our last year in high school, all my classmates were excited about their futures. Well maybe not all of them, but one thing was true, we all were waiting for the trip to Kambrela Town, a tourist trap of a place where students from all over the country went to spend a crazy week full of fun, clubs, activities in the woods, paintball, exploration of a sky full of stars, dancing, games and other things that I don't remember right now.
I promised to pull myself together and tell her my feelings on this trip, because it might be my the last chance to do it. I told my best friends my plans, one each for almost every activity, but I didn’t count on the fact that almost every minute of the trip was scheduled, so the only free time we had was the bus trip to the activities, which everyone but me used to take a nap to recover some energy from the previous night, and an hour to relax and take a shower to prepare for the clubs, which had a different theme every night like black and white, 4th of july, costume party and so on.
One night, and more specifically at one of the biggest club of the town, after a bit of drinking and cheering from my friends I decided to go for it and talk to her. This is one of the things I remember so clearly, that if I close my eyes I can see it play out in perfect detail. I walked to the bartender and asked for two drinks, and as he prepared them I turned and searched for her, which didn’t take me long. She was with her friends dancing, and among them were a couple of guys, but I didn’t give them much attention, I was focused in one goal. I turned around to take the drinks, and the loud electronic music filling the place went mute for a second in my mind, and if the drinks weren’t so expensive I would have dropped them. My focus made everything blur except for that scene, and even in the darkness I could see it. It was just a few seconds, maybe her friends pushed her to do it, or maybe she wanted to do it, or maybe it was the alcohol, or…
I saw Rainbow Dash, the love of my life, the girl I fell in love with so many years ago, grabbing one of the guys by the shirt and giving him a kiss. The kiss I'd always wanted.
I couldn’t leave the club because it was far away from the hotel, so I stayed cool on the outside and went to my friends to share my now-wasted drinks.
When the time to return to the hotel came, it was raining. Everybody ran to the bus, laughing because of another awesome night.
I just walked. I don’t remember how I got to my room in the hotel, I just wanted to sleep and forget.
The rest of the week… I enjoyed it you know? My first time skiing and also my first fall down a mountain, the horse riding through a forest and the visit to the most amazing view that I've seen in my life. Did you ever see a cartoon with a rescue dog with a little barrell on their neck? I met one of them in real life, I also took a picture with it.
No... I’m rambling.
Activities aside, I didn’t know what to do about the Rainbow Dash thing. Maybe it was too late, maybe I still had a chance with her, maybe if I… maybe. I didn’t tell my friends about it, I wanted to resolve this on my own but for some reason, I didn’t plan a single thing, I just let the days pass and grabbed the first chance I had to talk to her.
And it happened on the last day.
This is another of the things I remember clearly. It was the last day, where we had to return the rental clothes to the adventuring shop at the tourist centre, followed by a visit to the chocolate factory. I’m not big fan of chocolate, but I eat some when I remember that it exists or it's with another product; but my family insisted I buy a lot for them. Rumors said they're the best chocolates in the country. I remember a pink girl jumping around the entire store looking through every exhibit, glancing at every chocolate with her tongue out.
After buying some, I returned to the hotel. And because it was near the factory we didn’t need to go in a group. When I got there, I decided to relax a little bit and sit on the couch in the reception, a big red one. I saw my classmates entering through the front door one by one; some of them took the elevator to their shared bedrooms, other went directly up the stairs, but I didn’t see her pass.
Then, the first of Rainbow's friends appeared, the Pinkie to be exact. She skipped up to me, maybe due to the eternal sugar rush in her system.
“Hey Soarin, whatcha doing?” she asked.
“Nothing important.”
“Oki doki! Hey, can I give you an advice?” I nodded “Just do it, whatever's gotten you in the dumps, you’re not gonna regret it.” she replied with a wink.
“Yeah… I think I’m gonna will, thanks.” I replied with a grin.
“No problemo~” she sang, skipping away.
“Wait!”
“What?” she inquired, turning around.
“Have you seen Rainbow Dash?”
“Yeah, she’s haggling in the chocolate store for a discount for their most expensive piece, she’ll get here soon, why do you ask?”
That question froze me, I didn’t know what to do, so I did the first thing I came up with.
“I wanted to talk to Rainbow Dash and tell her that I love her.”
She dropped the chocolate bar she was about to eat, giving me a surprise look. She was about to explode from excitement but I shushed her, then she sat close to me.
“Oh my gosh Soarin, really?”
I nodded.
“And how did it happen?” she asked, eyes wide
Then, the most shameless moment in my life, until now, begun. I explained her how it happened, almost like right now but in more detail. I saw the spark in her eyes while I told her everything. Suddenly, another friend approached, if I remember right, it was the fancy one with a great hairstyle, and asked what’s going on. Pinkie didn’t lose any time and told her about my feelings for Rainbow Dash, then I had to tell the story again to her.
And that happened over and over again. Because not only her other best friends were listening, but friends of her friends appeared too. Damn, almost all of the girls in the class were there. Thinking about it now makes me feel ashamed.
After fifteen minutes of talking about my feelings, I looked up from the crowd of girls and saw her coming in with a chocolate bar as long as arm. It looked like a guitar case, actually. When she saw her friends, Rainbow approached.
“Hey girls, what’s up?” she asked.
“We gotta go, bye Rainbow Dash!” exclaimed Pinkie, shooting off.
All the girls followed her, some of them went upstairs and the other ran onto the lift. Rainbow was about to follow them, and I was about to lose my last chance to talk to her, so I took a deep breath and said “Hey Rainbow...”
“Hey Soarin.” she replied, just noticing me.
“Have a second? I need to talk.”
“Sure, but make it quick, I need to put this big guy in the fridge.” said Rainbow tapping the chocolate.
I didn’t respond, just pat the seat next to me. She understood and sat, shoving the chocolate bar between the cushions.
“First of all, it's hard for me to do this, you know, ask you for a moment to talk, and now I’m here... you’re here so… the thing is…" I felt a knot grow in my chest "Things happened this week that made me realize some things about myself. Things that can hurt more than they help if you make them wait longer than it’s necessary. I've done that... waiting, I mean, and now I understand that if I want to be free of this sick feeling in my chest once for all I have to say it.”
Now I remember… I heard a lot of things about the feelings you get when you confess to someone; sweaty hands, fast heartbeat, and chances of mixing up words and making silly mistakes. But it didn’t happen to me, it’s like I knew exactly what to say in that moment, like I was keeping the words within me for years, waiting for the moment to escape from me.
I can’t say if I did pause before saying it, maybe waiting for her to say something, anything.
“I love you, Rainbow Dash.”
Anything.
“And I know you don’t feel the same way about me, we’re barely classmates that barely even see each other in school. That’s why I have to let go, to set my heart free.”
To this day, I couldn’t tell you the look in her face while I was telling her my feelings. It wasn’t a sad one, or a happy one, or even a concerned one. If I had to describe it somehow, it'd be the look you give to the teacher when he or she is explaining the subject that’s not interesting to you, but it’s not boring either. Just the minimum amount of attention. The only thing she did was put the giant chocolate on the coffee table.
“And I’m sorry Rainbow, for all the love letters I sent you over the years, the weird glances, and everything that made you feel uncomfortable. I’m such a foolish, dumb guy for doing it.”
At that point I couldn’t feel the comfort of the couch, the time passing as I confessed my feelings, nor the eyes of some guys watching the scene not too far away, and maybe even listening in on me. I didn’t tell her everything I did though, for example, the two times I looked for her address following some vague clues. I spent two afternoons doing that.
Now I’m laughing, I was really dumb actually.
I let a second pass, waiting for an answer that never came. So I decided to break the silence.
“Wow, I feel so much better now, I really needed to tell you this, thanks for listening.” I said, grateful.
Then I opened my arms looking for a hug, and for her part, she reciprocated. It was the longest ten seconds of my life.
“Well, I gotta go now, those clothes ain’t getting into the luggage by themselves, see ya later Dash.” I said, breaking the hug and going to my room.
That night, my mind was busy thinking about leaving the town after a week full of fun. My friends and I remembered everything, from dancing, to games, and that moment when the owner of the building called us all to say that breaking the room windows was illegal and the freedom our parents gave us wasn’t an excuse to do things like that. Neither my friends nor I did that, it was the dude with the green hippy hair. We laughed a lot that last night.
The next morning, we came down to the reception waiting for our bus, there was more luggage than teenagers, just like the first day. The sun hadn't even risen yet. Once the bus arrived and the luggage was in their place, we got up and took our seats. Then, Pinkie appeared.
“Morning Soarin.” she said, smiling.
“Hey Pinkie.”
“I heard about the thing you said to Rainbow, that was very brave.” she said with thumb up.
“Thanks. Hey, Rainbow didn’t say anything else about it?” I asked curiously.
“Nopers!”
“Oh… nevermind, I just wanna say thank you again for the little push you gave me yesterday.”
“I did what now?” she asked, confused.
“The little push… you know… to just do it.” I answered, pantomiming with my hands.
“Oh, you thought that-” then she laughed “No, silly! What I meant was not to feel guilty about eating some chocolate before traveling.”
Now I felt stupid.
“But don’t worry, you did good too.” Pinkie added.
Then, she looked at her seat and running there she said “Fluttershy, I want the window!”.
It wasn’t until the bus started the journey back home and the sun rose that I realized how at peace I was with myself, my mind clear, my body lighten. Although my heart was broken, I held the pieces in my hands, waiting for the moment to put it together again. She never loved me and I denied it, holding onto the most tiny sense of hope, until reality punched me in the face.
Rainbow was in the seat behind me, talking with her one nerdy friend. And I didn’t care. I plugged in my headphones, played a random song and watched the landscape pass.
After writing all this, you may ask “Why are you writing this now?”. Well, the answer is simple. For months after that moment I wondered why Rainbow didn’t say a thing about it to me, or even say something, anything, in that moment. But I moved on and continued with my life. And now, eight years later, after pursuing my dream of becoming one of the members of the most famous acrobatic flyers in the country and living the life I always wanted, she appeared once more. Just moments ago, she did a test in one of our airplanes, and she was awesome. Even now, as she'd become a beautiful woman, I only see her as a potential flight partner and nothing else.
So, was telling my feelings to Rainbow Dash worth it? After eight years I can finally say; yes, it was worth it.