Discord hummed thoughtfully to himself as he drifted up and around the spiral staircase leading up from the dungeons. Things were all coming together. He had his power back, the villains were dealt with, the game was nearing its end, and he was walking- drifting away with only a tad more humility and a great deal of satisfaction. He honestly hadn’t foreseen the lengths that the villains would go to to accomplish their goals. Bael’s method of stealing his power had definitely surprised him. But, all was well again. The only thing he had to worry about was what the Princesses would do after he opened the Archway that would return himself, the Mane Six, and the three humans back to their respective worlds.
As he stepped into the courtyard, he inhaled a great breath of fresh air and sighed in bliss. No worries whatsoever.
“Purple Heart! Slow down!”
“IMA KICK HIS TAIL SO HARD HIS EYES WILL MATCH!”
Okay, maybe a few worries.
Discord wasted no time in hopping onto a towering pile of empty armor to escape the purple earth pony’s inflamed wrath.
“See here!” he cried from atop his pile. “Everything turned out okay, didn’t it?”
“Yeah and the path to getting here was so smooth,” Light Patch snarked.
“‘Everything’ is a bit of an overstatement,” Wits End said, rubbing his ribs where a rather large bruise was forming from the lance-sized arrow that had sent him flying through a window. “Maybe some things, but not all.”
“You’re all still alive, aren’t you?” Discord pointed out happily. “That’s something to be grateful for!”
“So we could have died?” Twilight ask stiffly. “In this ‘game’ of yours?” The draconequus blanched and felt unusually woozy.
“Ehm...”
“Come now, dear,” Rarity chided. “He wouldn’t have let us die. He isn’t stupid enough to do that.” She narrowed her eyes at Discord. He dropped behind the peak of the armor pile, leaving only his eyes visible.
“Discord wouldn’t do that,” Fluttershy denied.
“So, yer sayin’ that he’s finally reformed enough tha’ he wouldn’t’ve let us die?” Applejack inquired. “Yeh, Ah’m havin’ trouble believin’ that.”
Discord rose up from the pile and dramatically draped a paw across his eyes. “Oh dear!” he moaned. “To think that with all that I’ve done for you quaint little ponies, you still believe me to be a vengeful spirit of chaos whose only amusement is found in the suffering of others?”
“Yes,” Rainbow Dash stated.
“Ouch,” Pinkie chirped.
“Bazinga,” Wits said, holding out two forehooves. He frowned. “It’s a lot harder to do finger guns without fingers. On that subject,” he glared at the draconequus, “how do we do that thing where we have fingers and shirts with buttons and indoor plumbing?”
“If I’m not threatened anymore, I’ll happily do the human thing,” Discord sniffed. “And no more insults to my personality please. I may be a being of chaos, but I still have feelings!”
“Sure thing, second-hand Q.”
Discord narrowed his eyes at the mint-colored unicorn. “What did I just say?”
“What, you weren’t listening either?”
The mismatched demi-deity rolled his eyes. “Fine, you know what? We’re going straight into the sequel to this adventure. 30 more levels worth of a little thing called the Tomb of Horrors! Here we go!”
“Oh gods no,” Light Patch muttered, going pale as a ghost.
“Well then,” Sol Eater said, strolling into the room, her sister following behind. “I suppose we have more time to discuss how to handle exactly what this… what’s his name? Dissonance? What exactly to do with him for how he’s treated those of us not lucky enough to be his precious main characters.”
“We art in agreement, my sister,” Princess Penumbra said, narrowing her eyes at Discord.
Discord swallowed. “Well, maybe we can take a break before that happens.”
“...Whadafrak is this carp?!” Purple Heart squawked in surprise. “I thought we were leaving! Are any more NPCs gonna crawl outta the woodwork?!”
“Purple Heart,” Fluttershy said firmly, looking directly into the Purple Barbarian’s cobalt eyes. “Calm. Down.”
“Yes ma’am,” he instantly replied, looking away meekly.
“Wow,” Twilight hummed. “If I knew that Fluttershy could do that, I’d have asked her to make him calm down a lot earlier.”
“Hindsight is twenty-twenty, darling,” Rarity sighed.
“Even with as many eyes as me,” Silk Trap said as she slowly lowered herself from the ceiling. “Hindsight is still the only thing clearer than fresh water. I do believe I’m interrupting something however,” she said taking a place near the group.
“Ehm,” Discord winced. “Not sure. We’re all getting ready to leave through the archway and then these two popped up because who-knows-why. Purple Heart’s confused and irritated that we aren’t already on our way and Fluttershy uses The Stare which makes Twilight bemoan the fact she hadn’t thought of that earlier and then you appear to make a pun about hindsight. All in all, I’m confused.”
“Aaand he’s talking to himself,” Light Patch noted, “we’re never getting home.”
Wits sighed. “What is this, the true ending for Undertale? Are we gonna walk all the way back to Roads Crossed and find Bael taking care of some flowers?”
“Is that a spoiler?” Pinkie Pie pondered.
“It’s been a year. I’m sure everyone knows what that’s in reference to by now.”
“I refuse to walk all the way back to the start of our little adventure,” Rarity grumbled. “My hooficure is already ruined three times over.”
“Who else is there, anywho?” Applejack asked. “Do ya’ll think anypony else will come back, like Wayward Sun or that Bandit Chief?”
“What about that annoying fairy?” Rainbow Dash mused.
“Don’t ruin the mood, RD,” Wits cut in.
“Can we just go? Please?!” Purple Heart begged, scrambling up the pile of shattered armor to grab Discord. He shook the draconequus back and forth, gibbering random noises at him.
“If you’d stop shaking me, I’d do it!” Discord snapped. “The noises are scaring me!”
“Still gotta make a soundboard,” Light Patch hummed.
Wits cupped his hooves around his mouth. “If you send us back now, the noises will stop!” He frowned, looking down at his forehooves. “Man, this really doesn’t work as well without fingers.”
“Fine!” Discord cried, lifting a paw to boop Purple Heart’s nose. The action silenced the purple earth pony long enough for Discord to snap the fingers of his clawed hand to summon the archway and send the limp Purple Heart sailing through. “Everybody move!” The Mane Six plus two colts scrambled for the portal to finally escape the world.
“But what about them?” Pinkie asked as she was dragged to the archway by her tail. Applejack heaved the pink mare through and darted after her, appearing with the rest of the group on the other side.
Discord dusted himself off as he strode through and banished the archway. He waved his clawed hand dismissively. “I’m sure they’ll be fine,” he said.
Wits End patted his head, pouting at the vanishing archway. “I’ve lost my hat back there. How am I supposed to pull a Mississippi Jones when the door completely disappears like that?”
“Seriously?” Twilight asked incredulously. “You want to go back?!”
“Don’t diss Wits’ hats,” Purple Heart groaned as he rubbed his nose. “Or anything else he likes for that matter. He will respond in full force. Why the carp did you ‘boop’ me?”
“It got you to shut up long enough to summon the archway,” Discord snorted. “Now, we’re all fine.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure of that yet,” Rainbow Dash warned, pointing at two streaks of light arcing across the sky. “I think Princess Celestia and Princess Luna were waiting.”
Light Patch scooted behind Purple Heart as the streaks got closer. “This is gonna end in tears,” the pegasus stallion said.
“Yeah, but the question is who’s,” Applejack pointed out, a grin spreading across her face as she looked at the now incredibly nervous draconequus.
With a flap of their wings, the two princesses landed next to the assembled ponies. “Well now,” Celestia said, looking over mares and colts. “It looks like you nine were able to handle things on your own.”
“Of course prin- of course Celestia, I don’t think there isn’t a thing in the world I can’t deal with,” Twilight said with a smile, looking amongst her friends. “And I guess these three were kind of useful as well.” She finished with a grin towards the colts.
“I’m honored to have travelled with her,” Wits said in a deadpan tone. “Especially when she took on all three villains at the same time, with two hooves behind her back, and with a blindfold on.” He gave a slow clap with his forehooves. “And so modest too.”
“Is that sarcasm?” Fluttershy asked.
“Lil’ bit.”
“More like a lot,” Light Patch grunted, shouldering past Wits and Purple Heart to address the two princesses. “Hello, I am Light Patch, Mister Sarcasm is Wits End and the walking bruise is Purple Heart. We were humans until Discord decided to take us from our world to participate in this game.”
Luna arched a regal eyebrow. “Humans?” she repeated, peering at the three colts. “From Equestria High?”
“No, we mean humans from Earth, our planet of origin,” Purple Heart interjected. The Mane Six all blinked in surprise and turned to stare at the three stallions.
“You named your planet ‘dirt’?” Applejack asked.
“In our defense, we are not scientifically, politically, or literally powerful on Earth,” Light Patch said. “We are not important enough to be allowed to name our planet. Besides, I think it was an unsaid consensus that we name our planet the nicer synonym for dirt. Also, I don’t think anyone from there” He gestured to ponyville behind the princesses, “is allowed to question our planet's name.” Light Patch finished his ears twitching in annoyance slightly.
“And just what is wrong with Ponyville?” Rarity shot back beating Applejack to the metaphorical punch.
“We named our planet dirt, and you named your town village of ponies.” Light Patch shot back.
“Huh,” Twilight hummed intelligently.
“Huh, indeed,” Purple Heart agreed. “Any more questions you want to ask?” He looked at the princesses.
“Yes, actually,” Luna said. “For humans without contact with ponykind, thou seemst quite comfortable with the sight of our kind. How comest thou by this?”
Wits’ mouth formed a thin line. “I miss Penumbra already.”
“Apparently we have a show in their world,” Rarity offered.
“Like a play?” Celestia asked.
“Yousa mighten be saying that,” Wits said. “We get to see the interesting parts of the adventures of the Elements of a Complete Breakfast.”
“Harmony,” Pinkie corrected.
“That’s what I said.”
A bemused expression crossed Celestia's face. “Well, isn’t that interesting. And Discord summoned you from your world? I wasn’t aware that was possible.”
Discord rolled his eyes from the background. “Something something connection via TV show. It’s all very wibbly wobbly timey wimey, I’m sure.”
“Oooooh boy,” Purple Heart groaned.
“Connections aside,” Light Patch interjected his ears flicking in irritation, “could we please go home now? I think I left the oven on”
“Yes please,” Purple Heart agreed. “I want fingers and toes and no back pain again. I also want to watch my waifu from behind a screen instead of in person.” Immediately, the purple earth pony winced upon registering what he’d said.
“There’s that word again!” Fluttershy cried. “Are you EVER going to define it?”
“Shy is right,” Rainbow Dash said. “You three have been dodging that word for nearly a third of the game. Were you finally gonna tell us what it means just as you leave?”
“Ideally, we would’ve never told you and let that desire to know fester until it drove you nuts,” Purple Heart shrugged. “But that would only work on Twilight.”
“That ain’t gonna fly,” Applejack said. “Now talk.”
“Verily,” Luna said, her interest apparent. “What is this… ‘waifu’.”
“I already ’splain’d the whole ‘from another planet thing’ when you guys abandoned me. This is ya’lls mess to clean up,” Light Patch quickly said, sliding away.
Wits End shot a murderous glare at the purple barbarian. “You did this. You get to answer it.” Purple Heart winced again and sighed in resignation.
“Fine,” he mumbled. Turning, he took a deep breath as he looked at the mares. “The word ‘waifu’ is a term created by the Otaku culture of Japan on Earth that references their two dimensional significant others, specifically for anime and video game characters. With me so far?”
“We just have context, no actual definition,” Twilight sniffed irritably.
“Indeed,” Rarity said.
“Get on with it,” Rainbow Dash ordered.
“Yes, get on with it!” Pinkie Pie echoed.
“SHADDUP! AND LET HIM GET ON WITH IT!” Discord snapped. The mares swivelled to glare at the draconequus, silencing any further outbursts. “Shutting up.”
“Moving on,” Purple Heart said. “Waifu is a term used by males to describe their two-dimensional wife, someone they hold in the utmost respect and courtesy. Basically, a waifu is a male’s nonexistent wife. Someone who is a fictional character and thus does not exist.”
Fluttershy stared blankly, her gaze moving between Purple Heart and Wits End. After a minute, she spoke. “Ah uh.”
“Thy terminology art inaccurate,” Luna mused. “We art real, not fictional. If thy strange phrase art based on the term for a beloved, surely a most accurate term for us wouldst simply be ‘wife’.” She blinked at Wits End. “Art thou wounded?”
Wits was learning heavily against Purple Heart, pinching his bleeding nose with a forehoof and magic. “I wasn’t imagining anything,” he said. “Everything’s fine. Fine, fine, all fine. How’re you?”
“Thy appear to be heavily wounded, End of Wits.”
“Tis the sweet release of death that hastens my escape from this situation.”
Applejack tilted her head. “Ya’ll alright there, Wits?”
Wits appeared to be more pale than usual as he avoided Fluttershy’s eyes, shaking in his robes. “Does thou do what thoust hast come to do from which thou comes to do what thoust must does?”
Luna raised an eyebrow in confusion. “What.”
“Yes or no, motherbucker.”
“Congratulations,” Light Patch said, patting Fluttershy on the back. “You broke the comedic relief. Also,” he pointed with both forehooves at the shuddering unicorn colt, “ain’t healing that.”
“So...is this the end?” Twilight asked softly. The rambunctious actions of the group slowed as they registered the purple alicorn’s words.
“Yeh,” Purple Heart confirmed. “We fought the bad guys, saved the Queendom, rescued the princess, and got back home in time for second breakfast. All without running to another castle. Beat that, Hobbits! And Mario! And Luigi! Actually, frak Mario. Luigi is best plumber.”
“Amen,” Light Patch hummed. “This actually is the end, I think. All we have to do is wait for Rainbow to stop strangling Discord so that he can send us back.”
“Ahem,” Celestia cleared her throat. “As it turns out, Luna and I can send you back to your planet.”
“Oh...okay… Wait, WAT?!” Purple Heart squawked. “Y-y-you mean you could have sent us back home at anytime during this fiasco?!”
“Now that’s a strong word!” Discord pouted. “I think ‘adventure’ is more suitable!”
“Verily, freedom could have belonged to thou, had we had the intention of intervening,” Luna explained to the colts.
“So what, we didn’t have to go through all that?” Light Patch inquired, his ears swiveling focusing on the princesses.
“Well, you didn’t have to, but we thought it was necessary,” Celestia said.
Wits End pointed a hoof at the alicorn, now recovered from his breakdown. “I swear to you, if you said we were getting a lesson-”
“You were learning an important lesson.” Celestia continued as Wits turned away, raising his forehooves to the sky with his face twisted up in an expression that could only be described with the word ‘why’. “But you nine weren’t the only ones who needed to learn something from this.”
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “But aside from the nine of us, who else is there to learn a les-” She trailed off. Slowly, each of the nine adventurers turned around.
Discord was busy picking rainbow-colored hair from between his teeth from his attempt to fight off Rainbow Dash. He paused when he saw the assembled ponies staring at him. “What? Did I miss a spot?”
“Discord,” Celestia said sweetly, “do you want to share what you learned with us?”
“Not particularly…”
A slight glint appeared in the princess’ eyes for the slightest moment. “Discord.”
“Oh fiiiiiine!” Discord rolled his eyes so hard that they threatened to pop out. “Dear Princess Sunbutt, I learned that there’s consequences for acting without thinking about how things might go wrong, such as creating three entities that were designed based on entities I didn’t understand. Happy?”
Celestia smiled. “Yes I am.”
“So to sum up,” Wits said flatly, “you can’t always get what you want. You can’t always get what you want. You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes. Well, you might find it. You get what you need.”
“I can’t believe I’m gonna miss you being around,” Rainbow Dash grumbled.
“Awwe, you’re gonna make us blush,” Light Patch shuffled his hooves, his ears laying back.
“Pretty sure Silk Trap wouldn’t be too happy to hear that,” Purple Heart snickered.
“Oh yeah? What about Amber, eh? Not so funny being on the receiving end, is it?” the grey pegasus shot back.
Purple Heart’s jaw tightened. “Alright, stop it you two,” Twilight ordered. “Let’s all part ways in a positive fashion, shall we?”
“Sounds good,” Pinkie chirped, grabbing all three colts around the neck and dragging them into a choking hug. “Group hug!”
“My life is flashing before my eyes,” Light Patch gasped, eyes bugged out to the size of tennis balls. “Air, air is becoming an issue.”
“Choking, not breathing,” Purple Heart wheezed as the rest of the Mane Six surrounded them.
“Chklflgth,” Wits spluttered.
“Don’t ruin the moment,” Applejack warned, jabbing a hoof at Discord.
Discord held his paw/claws out. “Wouldn’t dream of it.” He glanced at Luna, who was giving him a disbelieving look. “Okay, maybe I would, but I wouldn’t act on it.”
“Good choice,” Celestia smiled. She looked back to the nine ponies as they broke from their group hug leaving the three colts gasping for air on the ground.
“First time I had one of those,” Purple Heart panted.
“What?” Light Patch asked. “Not even for sportsball?”
“Nah,” the purple stallion replied. “We just dumped the gatorade jug on the coach.”
“I miss my computer,” Wits hummed. “Can we go home now?” Celestia’s smile widened and she inclined her head.
“Safe journey,” she said as her horn glowed a bright gold, “and thank you.” The colts were cloaked in an aura of gold light as Celestia’s magic cocooned them.
“Goodbyes suck,” Pinkie said softly.
“Then don’t say good bye,” Purple Heart offered. “Just say…see you later.”
“Wouldn’t that be a claim to a sequel?” Light Patch asked.
“Maybe,” Wits hummed. “We’ll see.” A chorus of ‘see you later’ sounded from the Mane Six as the colts vanished back to their home planet, leaving wiser ponies and a chastised draconequus with two princesses.
* * *
Earth…A Cabin in the Woods…
Three grown men materialized in the attic of a garage, covered in a golden light. They lay on the floor, spread eagled in their fencing gear. A tangle of wires connected them all to a purring laptop on a desk beside them. Silence hung over the trio as they registered their surroundings. One sat up and pulled his mask off to reveal tousled brown hair and a full beard. He shifted his bulk to turn to his two compatriots who had also straightened, sitting confusedly behind him.
“Did that just happen?” the large one asked curiously, his voice rough with confusion.
The shortest of the three shrugged. “That depends. I’m pretty sure it happened, but then again, it was… a thing.”
“It certainly seemed like a thing,” the remaining one mumbled. The three were silent for some time. “Well, we should probably fence.”
“Yeh,” the large one grunted, rolling to his feet. “We should remember that thing, though. It could be a good story.”
“Meta much?” the small one asked as he sat behind the desk. His response was a shrug.
“Perhaps.”
“Not now though,” the last one interjected. “I still need to pay you back for that nipple shot.”
“I said I was sorry!”
“Still hurt.”
“ANYWAYS. Prêt… Allez.”
BRRA-BRAAAAAAAP!
“...”
“...”
“...I hate you both.”
See you later...