//------------------------------//
// Chapter Fourteen: Insomnia  
// Story: Roots 
// by Storm butt 
//------------------------------//

	Caramel stared out the window into the night. It was hard to see much of anything barring his own reflection, all except for the stars which even from indoors shined much brighter than they had back in Ponyville. His eyes were sore, and dry feeling, yet he knew if he tried to close them and rest sleep wouldn’t overtake him. He had woken up sometime an hour ago, and he knew his body well enough to know when the insomnia was going to hit. He was just glad he had managed to sneak away without waking Big Macintosh. 

It was strange being in the house so late at night. It was quiet and dead from all except the insistent ticking of a grandfather clock no less than three feet from Caramel. Both Cam and Braeburn liked to snore late at night, their sounds not distracting but heard from upstairs. Down here, though, it was silent. He heard a creaking of the wind from outside blowing against the house and it nearly startled him.

Caramel pulled on the blanket he stole from the back of the couch and tightened it around his shoulders. The blank sheet of paper sat before him, it’s lack of words a mirror to his own thoughts. He had laid the pencil between his teeth down at the top corner three times trying to begin, but had stopped before so much as signing his name. He didn’t know what he was supposed to write. He had never written Sage a letter.

Hey, I’m in Appleloosa. Mom there?  She making you feel awful. That’s cool.

Caramel whinnied through his lips and rubbed at his eye with his hoof. He knew that if Big Macintosh knew he was thinking along that train of thought he would be scolded, or worse, comforted. He didn’t want to be comforted right now while he thought of home, because it wasn’t the kind of thoughts that needed comforting. It was the kind that craved reassurance, the sort that told him it was okay to be here without Sage and with a family who he could not claim ownership to. He tried not to let himself think of Sage until tonight, but the guilt he had been pushing off for the past week here was finally starting to well up inside of him.

“Ugh,” Caramel whined, leaning forward and running hooves through his mane. He sat like that for an hour, and then the clock chimed off sudden enough to make him jump. It was three in the morning.

He left the paper alone like that on the coffee table and got up, stretching his limbs and making his way to the kitchen. The Apple Family was early to rise early to bed, which meant they liked to eat dinner absurdly early. Right now, Caramel felt starving. He was halfway between taking a bite out of a fresh apple when he grabbed at the tea kettle, filling it up with water from the sink and flicking on the stove. He stared as the flames made the metal red, and steam began to force the pot to tremble.

Normally because the Apple house was so loud, something like a kettle would have been barely noticeable. Now, however, it was just so quiet that the screaming from the steam made Caramel’s ears almost hurt. He pulled it off, pouring himself a mug and staring once more out the window. He wondered if Sage was staring at the sky, too, and if he was still working or picking up an earlier shift.

Those thoughts passed, or actually were forced out when he heard the sound of a creak. His ear flicked and he turned to the stairway, spotting the figure of a pony step out from the darkness and into the two or three lights Caramel had carelessly left on in his insomniac pacing throughout the downstairs of the home.

It was Braeburn.

“Caramel?” Braeburn asked, rubbing his eye out of exhaustion. “What are you doin’ up so late?”

His accent was thickest when he was tired, and he dropped the ‘g’ off the end of one of his words.

“Oh, shoot,” Caramel hissed under his breath and opened the tea kettle so the last remains of the high pitched scream would die off. “I didn’t wake you, did I?”

“No, no,” Braeburn said, jumping past the last step and hitting the floor with a thud before walking up to the countertop. “Somethin’ wrong with you?  Ain’t sick again, are you?”

Something about the Apples was that they liked to be a little nosy, especially when somepony was acting strange. It was out of kindness, really, but in Caramel’s opinion they also had a hard time knowing when it was best top stop worrying. At least it was a sweet annoying quality.

“No, just couldn’t sleep,” Caramel said, stirring mindlessly in his mug of tea with a spoon. He was looking down for a while, but when he finally looked up Braeburn had approached and was standing the opposite side of the breakfast counter. He looked a bit exposed without his hat or vest. It betrayed what Caramel already guessed about him, that he really was built for farming. He had obvious muscles much like Big Macintosh’s, but because he wasn’t freakishly big like his own boyfriend they were subtler but just as firm. He had a bit of a gut, too, Caramel suspecting it was probably from the scent of cinnamon and pie crust still lingering in the air as it had for the majority of his visit. He couldn’t remember a time in his week where when there hadn’t been a slice of pie sitting out ready to eat. Right now, however, he was staring at Braeburn’s eyes.

“Me neither,” Braeburn said. “Got enough tea for me, too, Partner?”

Braeburn rubbed at his eyes still. Caramel blinked, staring longer than intended. He had thought at first glance that Braeburn was rubbing them because he was tired, but right now in the dim light it looked like his eyes were read. Caramel recognized them a bit too well, and realized Braeburn had been crying. Funny, because he hadn’t heard a peep from Braeburn’s room the whole night. Somehow he expected Braeburn to cry just as loud as he did when he spoke, but then he thought about how that might be embarrassing.

“Yeah, sure,” Caramel mumbled, half distracted as he fetched another mug and filled it with hot water. Braeburn went to the fridge, pouring in a bit of honey and cinnamon into his own mug. He seemed to have an untreatable sweet tooth.

“Sorry,” Braeburn said suddenly, though Caramel didn’t know why. “I was just gonna go for a little walk. I do that sometimes, to clear my head.”

Braeburn paused slightly to take a sip of his tea.

“Wanna come with?” He asked.

Caramel blinked. Braeburn was trying to smile, a fake sort of smile. He could tell because he himself had done that smile before.

“Okay,” Caramel said.





Appleloosa night was warm. That was something Caramel had yet to grow used too. He was so used for even in the Summer, that Ponyville grew chilled at night. Right now it was about the temperature of a spring day, and Caramel was beginning to feel a little bit silly for asking for a scarf from Braeburn’s closet. It was green and while, while Braeburn bore one of his own that matched. He seemed to need it, shivering slightly and commenting on the cold once they were outside. He was probably used to the wicked heat.

“That a problem for you?” Braeburn asked when the two had just barely left the porch. “Not sleeping, I mean.”

Caramel shrugged.

“Sometimes,” Caramel replied. “It used to be worse. Sometimes I just can’t really find sleep and toss and turn a lot. But if I’m with Mac I usually just try to slip out and not bother him and mess around in the living room.”

“I get real restless sometimes,” Braeburn said with a chuckle. “Round this time of year, the reunion and all, I get all jittery when I sleep and end up staying up real late.”

Braeburn had a genuine smile on his face. He didn’t look anything like the pony who had obviously just been crying alone in his room. He didn’t look to be faking his cheer, and if he was he was pretty good at it. Ponies always seemed to know when Caramel was faking being happy, especially Big Macintosh. Then came the hounding about how he felt, which depending on his mood was either reassuring or bothersome. He wasn’t sure which category Braeburn would fall under if he pressed him now, so he kept silent and let the question be sealed behind his lips.

“I was… trying to write somepony back home,” Caramel said, trying to move conversation away from the fact that the two’s struggle to find peace in their sleep. “My brother, actually.”

“Aw, that’s sweet,” Braeburn said. He sounded like he meant it, too. That was something Caramel liked about Braeburn.

“I guess,” Caramel shrugged, staring down at the dusty road he and Braeburn were walking on. “I couldn’t really think of what to tell him, though. I wanted to send a letter sooner but I…”

Caramel trailed off. He didn’t want to say the truth. He had been avoiding writing it. Avoided thinking about his brother and the possibility of his mother lurking around his home infecting everything with the scent of her perfume that didn’t seem to come out no matter how many times washed. Maybe she had guilted Sage into spending the night. Maybe she had used Caramel’s bed. Caramel felt his belly twist tight. He didn’t want to think about that.

“Cara?” Braeburn asked, bumping into him and startling him from his thoughts.

“S-Sorry,” Caramel said fast, a stutter, really. “I just mean I’ve been busy.”

“Yeah, sorry ‘bout that,” Braeburn chuckled. “I really gang up on family when they’re in town. Even they call me a little nosy, sometimes. But heck, it ain’t like I see them every day. Gotta get my fill of them when they’re around. You know what I mean?”

Caramel didn’t know what Braeburn meant. He couldn’t think of family outside of Sage he had ever wanted to see, or worse just didn’t know at all. He often wondered if he had any other family, because he knew of no aunts or uncles. He supposed he had to have at least grandparents, but it was almost like him and Sage and his mother had simply been isolated from their family tree.

“No, not really,” Caramel said.

He didn’t know why he told the truth.

Braeburn frowned, but then smiled. It was the sort of smile Big Mac gave when he was trying to make Caramel happy when he thought he was sad.

“I just don’t have much family,” Caramel said, knowing that it was going to be the next question out of Braeburn’s mouth. “Not big enough for a reunion or anything, at least.”

“That stinks,” Braeburn said.

Caramel chuckled. Braeburn had said it bluntly, and fast as though he hadn’t even let himself think about it. He liked that about Braeburn. The opposite of Mac, really, loud and quick to talk without thinking.

Up until this point the two had been on a path straight towards town, but Braeburn sometime near the end took a different way that led them in the direction of the apple forest. The leaves were beginning to bud, and the grass for once was lush and flourishing under Caramel’s hooves. He didn’t know such a common sensation would feel almost alien to him after just one week away from home.

“Ahhh,” Braeburn said. He had his eyes closed, and he was letting out a sigh after breathing in the air. Caramel did the same, but didn’t smell anything. Braeburn however seemed to take it all in as he stopped, settling his hoof on a tree trunk and running it down to feel the bark.

“I think it’ll be a great harvest this year,” Braeburn said. “These here trees ain’t ever let us down. I can’t wait to show em off at the reunion… Guess I’ll have the free time to do that, now.”

Braeburn paused, his smile faltering for a moment. He looked down.

“Hey?” Caramel asked, reaching out his hoof and touching Braeburn’s shoulder. “You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, just being dumb,” Braeburn tried to force a chuckle.

Caramel wanted to say he didn’t think Braeburn was dumb, like Big Macintosh did when he himself said the same sort of thing, but he kept his mouth shut.

“I just… I was hoping somepony might be dropping by the reunion for a bit,” Braeburn said.

“Like a friend?” Caramel questioned, and then felt a little silly because then he understood.

“Sort of,” Braeburn chuckled. “This Pegasus… guy… he’s a real cutie, a-and we talked about him coming up for this for a bit. Turns out there’s this thing on the other side of Equestria he can’t get out of. I was… just up reading a letter he sent ‘bout it.”

Caramel thought about Braeburn’s eyes back at the house. He wondered just how long he had been up crying.

“Kinda like a date?” Caramel asked.

“I’d sure hope so,” Braeburn chuckled, gaining back a little bit of his usual blind glee. “Else I’d be awfully sore ‘bout us kissin’ in my bed after.”

It was a bit hard to tell in the moonlight, but Caramel thought Braeburn was blushing a tiny bit at that comment. He took his hoof from the tree and set it back down before shaking his head.

“I think I got all excited cause of you an’ Mac,” Braeburn admitted, rubbing the back of his neck and not looking Caramel in the eye. “You two are really cute, you know. Like glued together, sometimes. Made me really miss this guy and… I didn’t realize how much I wanted him to come up till I found out he wasn’t.”

“I’m… I’m sorry,” Caramel said, feeling dumb again. He thought there was something else he could say that would sound better and less vague, but the words wouldn’t come to mind. It was trying to write a letter all over again.

“Ain’t nopony’s fault,” Braeburn waved his hoof dismissively. “Ain’t his or mine or nopony’s. Well, maybe his work, but I know he loves workin’ there so I won’t talk bad.”

Caramel swayed back and forth in that spot for a few moments in the silence that followed. A gust of wind came and blew at his scarf. Braeburn finally sighed and began to walk again, and Caramel trotted to keep up.

“Are you okay?” Caramel asked.

“Shoot,” Braeburn tried to smile. “Don’t worry about me, Cara, I’m fine. Heck, how’d I let my guest listen to me babble like an idiot.”

“I don’t think you’re an idiot,” Caramel said. He meant it.

Braeburn smiled again.

They walked for a little while longer in silence, Caramel rolling thoughts around in his head. He was never very good at finding the right thing to say during times like this. He didn’t know Braeburn too long, but he knew him well enough that being quiet this long meant something was wrong.

“Y’know,” Caramel said. “I got a letter recently that made me feel bad, too.”

His belly tightened. Caramel couldn’t believe he was talking about this, but it was the only thing that popped into his head.

“Yeah?” Braeburn asked.

“Mhm,” Caramel nodded. He paused for longer than intended. Long enough for Braeburn to begin staring at him. “Just a little while ago… It was from somepony… Somepony I don’t think I should be around anymore.”

Caramel chewed at the inside of his cheek.

Braeburn found a hill where there were no trees and settled himself down. Caramel followed. The grass was wet with dew, but not to the point where it was uncomfortable or made him shiver. He laid on his back, staring up at the stars. He thought of when he had done this with Big Macintosh. His belly had felt less twisted and nerve wracked then.

“Who was it?” Braeburn asked.

Caramel didn’t answer, just made a noise similar to a grunt.

“Just… Not Somepony I like to think about,” Caramel answered.

That seemed to satisfy Braeburn, and if it didn’t he stopped pressing.

“My… Mom…”

Caramel felt weird letting those words slip out. He hadn’t talked about her to anypony but Sage and Big Macintosh for so long. He couldn’t bring himself to look over at Braeburn, but he suspected his big eyes were boring into him right now. He squirmed a little on the grass.

“She used to go out for hours,” Caramel said. “Sometimes days, actually. At first I was glad, but sometimes we didn’t have that much food and no money to get anymore till she came back. I-I don’t know where she went, really, I never asked. But I used to just wake up in the middle of the night, but I was too scared to leave my room. She made us go in early and yelled if we came out… She brought home stallions a lot who smelled like beer and cigars.”

“That’s… awful,” Braeburn said. His face scrunched, and Caramel wondered if he too was struggling to think of something better to say. He sat up, looking down at Caramel who now looked away. “Sorry, that sounded like pity didn’t it?”

“Not really,” Caramel said before shrugging. “I just… Remember I used to have a hard time sleeping. It used to be way worse, though. Getting away from her made it a little easier.”

“Is that why you’re here?” Braeburn asked.

Caramel didn’t answer for a long time. He just stared up at the stars, and eventually closed his eyes so the world would turn to black. His belly unknotted ever so tightly as he slowly nodded.

“Y’know… My Mama left when I was a baby,” Braeburn said. “It… it probably don’t help too much to say, but the family always gets real weird whenever I bring her up.”

Caramel felt his chest loosen. He was glad the moment had passed where the family drama was centered around him. He opened his eyes, sitting up as well.

“Papa said she was from a big city, and just passed through. She was givin’ country life a try. She and him met, went on a few dates, then right when I popped out she up an’ left.”

“Do you miss her?” Caramel asked.

“How could I miss somepony I don’t even know?” Braeburn chuckled.

Caramel felt a bit sheepish, and thought his question silly in hindsight.

“I don’t even got a picture of her,” Braeburn said, seeming less amused now. “Papa says I look a lot like her. I got his coat, but everything else was hers. He said that I was a real shock… He thought he wasn’t anywhere ready to be a parent.”

Braeburn was rubbing his hooves now and smiling, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. He was staring out at the top of the apple trees and to the horizon of stars.

“Your brother older?” Braeburn asked suddenly.

“We’re twins,” Caramel replied. “But he acts older.”

“Well, in my family there was Big Mac, then AJ, then Me,” Braeburn said, reaching out his hoof and tapping three times on the grass for every name. “Apple Bloom and Babs came by later. A lot later, actually. For a long time I was just… the last foal born. I ain’t ever really shook that, y’know?  They still tease me an’ call me the baby of the family when they see me. I kinda worry nopony takes me seriously sometimes. Like even when I came out, I worried they saw it as… I dunno, some phase.”

Braeburn shrugged his shoulders.

“I just thought maybe if Soarin came again it’d feel like they took me more seriously. Not casually dating, but somepony long term… Arugh, he ain’t even my boyfriend!”

Braeburn ruffled his mane aggressively and shook his head.

“Did ponies take it well?” Caramel asked. “You coming out, I mean.”

“Most part,” Braeburn answered with a shrug. “I got a few cousins who look at me differently. Few older nana’s who keep wanting me to marry a mare. I think one cousin doesn’t want me talking to her kid alone or nothing.”

Caramel felt his chest tighten. He settled his wet hoof over his heart and felt it beat.

“I’m scared,” Caramel said. “About going to the reunion.”

“What?” Braeburn chuckled. “That’s silly. They ain’t gonna do anything like roughhouse you. Most of them are sweet, Cara.”

“I know,” Caramel said, though he didn’t mean it. “Just… I don’t want Big Mac to… to lose family.”

Caramel wanted to say more. He wanted to say how he saw what Big Macintosh had with his family in small bites, first with his immediate family and then the closeness and love that came from Braeburn and Cam. He saw it there, a connection that Caramel would never fully understand just rooted into him. The thought of losing that all for him, even by a pony or two, hurt him. It scared him.

To his surprise, Braeburn laughed.

“What’s so funny?” Caramel asked, trying not to feel embarrassed.

“You!” Braeburn chuckled. “Have you seen how Big Mac looks at you?”

Caramel didn’t answer, just stared at Braeburn for the next few seconds. Braeburn shook his head and groaned.

“You’re just as important to him as family. Maybe a bit more.”

Caramel blinked, looking down at his hooves. It was hard to view himself like that. To Big Macintosh, and all the Apples, family was the most important thing. To even come close to that level would be unthinkable, much less be above it. Braeburn was the one who was saying funny things, but Caramel didn’t feel like laughing.

“Shoot,” Braeburn said. “You know how Big Mac was like when he was little?  He was so shy he didn’t talk to anypony, not even family. I never though I’d seem him cuddlin’ and kissing anypony like he does you. He talks to you, too. I mean really talks.”

“I still don’t want him to give up family for me,” Caramel said, rubbing his arm.

“Don’t you get that some family ain’t worth it?” Braeburn asked. “With your mom, I mean?”

That’s what Caramel had been telling himself. That’s what Caramel wanted to believe. He thought about it again, but just couldn’t hold up his mother to the same level as family that without him there, dating Big Macintosh, he would otherwise enjoy. He didn’t answer Braeburn.

“Y’know, my Pegasus, Soarin,” Braeburn said, glancing away and up to the sky. “Sometimes when we’re alone, just in bed cuddling or something, I feel… just… it, Y’know?  Just ‘this is where I wanna be’ or something. When it’s like that, I feel like I can take on anypony. I only came out at the reunion because he was with me. I wouldn’t have felt… strong enough on my own.”

“I don’t think I’m exactly anypony’s strength,” Caramel chuckled, though Braeburn didn’t look like it was something to laugh about.

“I think you undersell yourself, Cara,” Braeburn said, looking to him dead in the eye. “If Mac loves you enough to bring you here, he loves you enough to risk it. Don’t take that for granted, alright?”

His eyes seemed forceful, as if they were trying to pound the message in.

It grew quiet. The two settled down, staring up at the sky. Caramel was thinking. He thought about Sage, his mom, about Mac’s family. He thought about Big Macintosh mostly, though. He knew deep down that it wasn’t a secret meant to be hidden forever. It wasn’t something Big Macintosh was ashamed of, and Caramel had known that since their first kiss when Big Macintosh prolonged it without hesitation. He thought of all their time together from the first time he had told Big Macintosh he loved him right until now when the words were common enough to be a goodbye between them. He thought of Big Macintosh and him under the stars talking about family, and on the train ride talking about their future.

If they were going to have a future, they could never be hidden. It just wasn’t possible. Caramel didn’t even realize they were hiding until it came up.

“Y’know,” Braeburn said. “You can come stay with me and Papa anytime you want. Even without Mac, okay?”

“Really?” Caramel asked, smirking.

“Course,” Braeburn said with a chuckle. “If you’re like family to Mac you’re like family to me. Got it?  Besides, gotta have some way to hear all of Mac’s juicy secrets without him eavesdropping.”

The two of them giggled at that. Caramel settled in the grass, his eyes feeling heavy.

“Is your stallion important to you like you think I am to Mac?” Caramel asked.

“Yeah, he is,” Braeburn said without hesitation. “Wouldn’t have done it, otherwise.”

Caramel thought about that. The determination and truth in Braeburn’s voice. He really meant it.

“I think he’d like to have come,” Caramel said. “Just couldn’t.”

Braeburn nodded slowly.

“I think so too.”