DOWN WITH THE QUEEN
Hello everyone, welcome to my story. I'm your shameless, nameless narrator, who'll you'll no doubt figure out the identity of later on, but for now, call me 'D'. Tough to remember, I know.
You may well have already got some idea of my name by now, in which case award yourself a pat on the back, a glass of ice-cold water and a prayer that I'll never split dimensions and come to visit you. Eh heh.
You join us now, as two beautiful little babies are being put to bed. How positively nauseating, you might think... but don't worry my friends, as things get a lot more interesting after the first couple of paragraphs.
All you have to remember is Blue = This segment takes place on lush, friendship-driven utopia of Equestria. Green = This part unfurls on your miserable, corrupt, probably doomed planet.
Don't worry though, I hate you all both equally. When it comes to contempt for lower species, there's no favouritism with this dra... oops. Nearly gave the game away there, didn't I? Don't want to do that with Sunbutt hanging around... I like being able to move all my limbs again.
Oh, and of course... Normal text indicates me deigning to speak to you mere mortals. Not that I'm planning on doing much of that. I would say that's because you microscopic ants aren't worthy of my divine attention... but that would be rude, wouldn't it? Anyway, let's jump straight in...
"Goodnight, my little angel!" Flurry Heart's parents tucked her in securely after a long, tough day of pooing, cooing and blowing up random objects, and made kissy faces as they left the door open just a crack before trotting their way downstairs. Bleurgh.
At the same time, on your far-off backward world with the stupid one syllable name, a male and a female are similarly engaged in making strange squeaky noises after settling their precious child down for the evening, turning on an obnoxiously flashing nightlight which cast rubber duckie silhouettes into the wall. Yuck.
How absolutely enthralling. Nodded off yourself, yet? Let's see if we can make things a little more interesting, shall we? Let the real fun... commence!! Just as soon as we skip a few hours, giving me ample time to pop some popcorn...
"Morning, Flurry Heart... AARRGH!!"
"Did you have sweet dreams my little... PONY?!"
A few minutes later, Shining Armour arrives to discover his lovely wife fainted dead on the floor and... something freaky in his daughter's bed. No, not that. Both of the youngsters who star in this sordid tale do wear nappies at night, you know.
The patriarch of this family of three hears his partner scream, and arrives just in time to see her gibbering like a mad woman in the corner. " Pony... Big Horn... Wings... Pink... Oh, So Pink." Hey, don't blame me, chum. You married the insane old bat, you gotta live with her.
Shining Armour goes to rouse darling Cadence, but is abruptly halted in his endeavour by the sight of a repulsive and hairless spectacle nearby in Flurry Heart's cot. Blue eyes. Two arms. Two legs. Burbling incoherently. Shining, being the brave and fearless protector of Equestria we all deserve, joins his wife in kissing the floor. Well, that's not very nice... the kid can't help it's festering ugliness. Show a bit of compassion, why don't you.
Wondering what the blinking heck the love of his life is wittering on about, the man follows the frantic pointing of her stubby fingers to their little one's cradle... and discovers there an animal form much like what was described, other than one salient fact. It stunk. Hey, babies might come in all different vomit-inducing shapes and sizes, but prematurely ejaculating their bowels is the one thing they have in common. That, and they're all entirely useless.
As soon as our hardy pair of ponies awaken, they get to work trying to figure out exactly what this 'thing' is. They prod it. They poke it. They engage it in pointless staring contests (losing every time, obviously). The strange bipedal life form finds this all very amusing and claps it's tiny hands in appreciation. As the old refrain goes: 'Cute, But Stupid'.
Meanwhile, as astounded as the poor chap was at discovering a hitherto fictional creature in his baby's sleeping quarters, a more pressing concern began to assail his nostrils. For you see, this new breed's nappy currently bulged with a full spread of waste produce which must mean it was changing time. Hey guy, you got a super-powered baby, you got super-powered diarrhea. Kinda comes with the territory.
Eventually, after subjecting it to a thorough examination worthy of that darned interfering old nag Twilight Sparkle, the doting mother and father ponies are ready to resume the search for their real offspring, Flurry Heart. They look here. They look there. No, I'm not going to add the 'everywhere' part, that'll be too obvious... oops. Sufficed to say, they don't find her... and the new incumbent in her cot wants some attention again, after being neglected for five whole minutes. I don't think it's going to take 'no' for an answer, either.
Thinking that he's going to rouse from this ghastly nightmare any second now, our intrepid human boldly goes where no other minimum wage worker has gone before, in removing the new creature's soiled undergarment and depositing it into the nearest bin. Phew. Case closed you might think, if one forgets the occupational hazard of changing a magical alicorn tot. A laser beam inevitably shoots from her horn, severing the poor dude's toupee in the process... and now he needs a new pair of undies, too. See? They've more in common than you think! It's like they're bonding already!
As for the mortal spawn, it's finally had quite enough of being selfishly left all alone. It starts sniveling, then whining, before bawling, and then full-on screaming. It's just like evolution, except much, much more annoying. Their minuscule brains still processing all that's going on, Cadence and Shining Armour do all they can to eliminate the youngster's distemper. They play peek-a-boo. They pour flour over themselves. They even try tickling it, which is pretty difficult when you have but one big digit. Nope, the answer comes courtesy of the brat itself: "Me want horsie ride! Horsie ride!!" The two new parents of this little charmer look at each other with barely disguised alarm. Uh oh...
After donning a fresh set of boxer shorts, and quickly slipping a fresh nappy under the now more amenable Flurry Heart, it was now time for our alleged hero to comfort his still hysterical wife, before deciding what do about the mythical equine problem. The former was accomplished by a good, strong sla... cup of coffee of course, though what I was about to say would've worked, too. As for the latter... did they really want the authorities running amok around their lovely home, crushing the begonias, tracking in muddy footprints and causing all manner of mess, when they'd just tidied up? Also, what would the neighbours think at the next big town church meeting? This pressing matter would require a great deal of procrastination. In the meantime, there's another fire to put out. Let's catch up with our unsuspecting foster parents later after they've found the extinguisher, shall weeee...
"Wwhheeee!!" The cherubic little biped came storming through the Crystal Castle on Shining Armour's back, knocking over sparkly guards like dominoes and forcing a closely-in-pursuit sheepish Cadance to issue a surfeit of apologetic nods en route. It was only supposed to be a quiet trot around the grounds, but as soon as our budding young jockey was atop a nervous Shining's back and steadily in motion, all it took was a quick pull of his mane before he reared up, and began charging through the palace like a Minotaur in a china shop. This seemingly innocent little snot might look like butter wouldn't melt, but the reality is on it's day it can rival Flurry Heart for causing pure, undiluted, glorious Chaos...
Hey, you know what? I think I'm starting to like this kid.
Tune in again soon for more infantile hi-jinx, as the youngsters are introduced to their new worlds and their inhabitants first hand/hoof.
In the meantime, here's some arbitrary graffiti:
DOWN WITH THE QUEEN