by GMBlackjack

XV - Late Night Toast

“Good Evening Garilend! Welcome to Late Night Toast, the talk show where I attempt to inform you about the latest news stories but instead end up trying to talk over the audience’s incessant laughter. And – Screw it, you did it again! Syndication, why do we even have an audience? …What do you mean you had nothing to do with that? Screw it, go find out who did.

Anyway, as you are all aware – well, I guess a lot of you probably aren’t now, given recent events. I am Jett Oviesr, and the story of this week comes as a surprise to absolutely no-one - ALIEN INVASION.

What? It’s technically an invasion! At the very least of our privacy and politics! Granted we brought the invasion on ourselves by being complete gung-ho idiots, and they weren’t here to invade in the first place, but I’m allowed to use technical definitions sometimes!

…Oh? I’ve just been informed that I’m not, since whenever I do it’s either offensive, confusing, a euphemism, or some unholy combination of all three. And I can say, they are insurmountably right.

Regardless, back to the story. Cute fluffy aliens have come to Garilend and want to stay. The problem is they came with three things – some not so cute friends, a language barrier, and way too many people to fit on a quasi-magical island floating in the middle of butt-nowhere ocean. And we only call it butt-nowhere because in the ten days they’ve been here they’ve floated into three different oceans! Make up your mind Crater!

You may remember last week that I said we didn’t know enough to truly make a comprehensive argument about these visitors and what they mean – besides the obvious unrest, confusion, and new children’s cartoon ideas. Heck, adult cartoon ideas. I see all of you out there.

Well, now we do have enough knowledge to at least pretend we know what we’re doing. We don’t really, we can just pretend. And pray.

First off, the aliens themselves. We have cute and strong, cute and flying, cute and magical, all of the above, not cute grandpa birds, insects that didn’t get the six-legs memo, lizards that never bothered to learn basic thermodynamics, cute and stripey, devilish, vultures that have decided looking like a rocky bat is a good disguise, the definition of loud and obnoxious, butterflies that didn’t get the six-legs memo, and an unholy combination of all of the above that is currently romping around our planet with the cute and magical one that looks like bacon. Man, miss Shimmer, pardon me, but you look tasty. …Don’t give me that look.

Now, you may ask, what is the great and glorious history of these races? They all apparently come from one planet that somehow lost its sun some five or so centuries ago, their time. As horrible as their planet freezing to death is, I have to ask, how on earth do you lose a sun? Do you just forget to raise it? Stick it in your sock drawer? Leave it in the interstellar parking meter too long?

Regardless, they had to leave their home to freeze, searching for a new world. Their journey was long and boring, but they eventually ended up here and we shot them out of the sky.

Aren’t we geniuses? Hey! Super powerful aliens appear in orbit and try to talk! Hey, we’re a secret organization in Krastia that has a top secret space weapon! Let’s just use it without consulting anyone!

Now I would say that’s so stupid that’d never happen, but then I remember who the president of the Status Intervention currently is.

We’re geniuses!

Oh, and this isn’t all there is to our response either! How about throwing riots in front of political buildings that have absolutely nothing to do with the aliens? Or lynching adorable flying horses in the streets? Or poking the mountain sized fire breathing lizard?

Eh, I’m sure it won’t eat us if we try to brand it.


Now despite all this hostility and ‘genius’ many members of our population are trying to get along with the newcomers, realizing that all they’ve done to hurt us is crash and have their sleep pods malfunction. Granted, this has resulted in a lot of horrible and tragic deaths of our people – but the same goes for them. Many bands have formed that hunt the aliens. Some of them are doing this only for sport, and not for any sort of altruistic ‘protect the people’ reason. For example, the Final Hunt, a group based in, you guessed it, Krastia, has declared that killing the lizards is one of the, and I quote, ‘most exhilarating and satisfying experiences of all time.’ …Wow.

More positive efforts have formed together to stop alien racism and adopt them into our civilizations. Most of the government motions are practical, citing what we have to learn from them, and giving who they can citizenship. The process is slow, but a few hundred have been adapted into the fold already, and a few progressive nations have even extended their equality laws to the aliens, though obviously those will need to be revised in time.

Civilian efforts are more moral in nature, believing we can’t turn away what are essentially refugees, and many families are opening their homes to the loose aliens who just want a place to stay. Though there’s an equal amount who are killing everything they see…

Lastly, there’s the group of those who religiously devote to GLN’s livestream of Orgis learning the way of the Tree of Harmony. Thing is, I don’t think many of them are actually following the Tree of Harmony’s ‘path’ or whatever the heck it offers. I just think they want an excuse to feel like they’re in Orgis’s body all the time. There’s a reason everyone loves her, and it’s not just because she’s a great reporter who’s slightly crazy.

On the alien side of news, we have miss Sunset Shimmer and Discord. And yes, their name translations have been confirmed, so suck it Bookbook users, she is not Solar Bacon. You had your chance and you screwed it up!

Essentially, unholy mishmash and baconhair here are simply seeing the sights and exploring our world, and through their visits they use their impressive power to make life better everywhere they can. Now this hasn’t always gone too well – all of Forton burned down for instance – but towns have been welcoming of games, chocolate rain, and a complete disregard for normalcy when they arrive. They’re also exceptionally good at ending any alien-related violence in any place they visit. It helps to be an uber-powerful chaos god.

Now, I know what you’re thinking – Jett, why are you downplaying Forton? They burned that place down! Well, yes, they did, but the fun bit is that they were attacked by a troop of soldiers stationed there, and they fought back with fire. And ran. They didn’t even know the town was on fire till later – Shimmer gave quite the apology in a speech most people gloss over. It is tragic, but not as tragic as some of the other things that have thrown our little planet here into turmoil.

In the political room discussion of policy, we have Twilight Sparkle, a true genius if I’ve ever seen one; Luna, the neversleep; Geraldyr, that creepy uncle from the far west; Thorax, mister ‘I’m probably capable of romancing any being in existence but I don’t because I’m clueless’; and Ember, that crazy girlfriend you had in high school.

Now, these leaders are mostly new to their craft – only Luna has ruled for a substantial time - and many will be prepared to dismiss them. But they have managed to deal with the language barrier pretty well, and have been a lot more accepting of us than we’ve been of them. Well, sure, grumpy Geraldyr is grumpy, but I think he just needs a bath.

You may say that our leaders are older, wiser, and with their greater experience they can make better decisions. And in response to that I ask you to remember who the president of the flippin’ Status Intervention is right now.


My political annoyances aside, some things are actually getting done at the meetings in Garilend United. We have agreed, as a planet, to treat the Equi as refugees. We have agreed to help track down any strays and tell them what they should know. In return, the Equi have already started a Farming and Weather Control engine for us. I’m going to ignore the fact that they’re willing to give us almost all their technology to talk about Weather Control. Apparently they just controlled the clouds back home and it was considered unnatural for weather to operate on its own. By Joey I think they may really be aliens!

Now, you are probably thinking ‘this is all well and good, but what exactly am I supposed to do?’ I’d respond by slapping you and saying ‘it should be obvious moron!’ Treat them well. They treat us with respect even though we definitely didn’t earn it. Don’t treat them like, well, aliens. Treat them like they’re just people who are weird. And for the love of Joey, do not poke the sleeping lizards!

This, of course, makes us also consider the flipside of all this. That their government isn’t as prepared as ours. That their leaders are not ready. I’d disagreed with that assertion until I saw a clip of a pegasus playing a dangerous ‘prank’ by setting off a lighting strike next to her friends. Was this just some delinquent in the clip? No, it was Miss Rainbow Dash, the mare who is in charge of the Weather Control.

Is she ready? Are the others ready? A small time farmer is being put in charge of a worldwide agricultural program. A mare doesn’t realize she’s founding a religion. A bug-king who seems to barely understand the concept of relationships. Are these leaders set in their ways? Will they fall before they can work a permanent solution out?

To which I once again direct you to the current president of the Status Intervention. We aren’t clean either folks.

To be fair, that may not be enough to convince you. Maybe you think we’re superior. That’s fine, for now, before it becomes racist to do that. But it wouldn’t be fair if I was the one arguing for the Equi, we’d need one of them to do it themselves. And you won’t believe this, but we went hunting, searching high and low for any Equi who’d be willing to come on this stupid show of ours. And we found one. They aren’t a leader, they aren’t entrepreneurial, they aren’t even political. Their job description is basically ‘encourage others to party until they pass out.’ Pretty much their only qualification is that they’re personal friends with Twilight Sparkle, and just about everyone is ‘friends’ with her.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the show Pinkie Pie!”

“Woo hoo! Hiya Jett! Glad to be here!”

“That’s some pretty fluent speaking there! How’d you get so good at our language so fast?”

“It’s alllll Twilight, she transfers what she knows to our brains whenever we ask!”

“Interesting. What have you thought of the broadcast so far?”

“Well, I heard that you like us, you're geniuses, and the president of the Status Intervention is a loser. That about right?”

“Eh, close enough. Now, to the real questions, the nitty gritty stuff. What is your opinion on how things are going between our two peoples?”

“I think it’s going a lot better than before! Like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich finally finding the sweet middle!”

“What about the accusations held against your leaders, such as inexperience or immaturity? I mean, obviously you aren’t experienced or mature, but we’ve got to ask that question because the people just have to hear every single opinion about it.”

“Heehee! Look at you talk about ‘inexperience’ and ‘immaturity.’ You’re what, twenty something? I’m older than you and I’m among the youngest! Lots of us are centuries old and have had to deal with all soooorts of crazy downers! And as for immaturity, wellll, just listen to yourself. Then listen to one of Twilight's speeches. The gap is huuuuge!”

“I have never claimed I was a mature individual in my life. Ever. Nor am I a world leader, though if any country has a vacancy I’m open to suggestions… Nudge nudge.”

“Don’t sell yourself short. The media is a powerful tool! I should know, I basically live it!”

“You were involved in media?”

“…You could say that. Somewhat. I do know it’s powerful and can shape the world!”

“Well now I need to invent a new smug look for myself. Thank you Pinkie. Moving on, what do you think of the gari’s actions towards you as a species?”

“Well… it’s a little disappointing, but I understand why most of you geniuses – heh – do the things you do. You’re scared, uncertain, and fear what we’ll do. But guess what?”


“We’re all scared too! It’s natural! We’re two powerful sides at a standoff, not sure if we should call the party off or throw it into high gear! Sometimes each side conflicts with themselves! The hand slaps the foot! The other hand stands motionless while the other foot bounces around without a clue of where to go! And the rest of the body wants to tap dance - like this! I feel a song coming on~!”

“Okay, okay, I never thought I’d say this but we’re finally interviewing someone who can keep up with the banter.”

“Heehee! That’s why you chose me silly!”

“Best decision ever. Anyway, Garilend, look at this adorable pink face. Is it the face of death? Doom? Destruction?”

“Of course not!”

“And with that we leave you for tonight! Do you want to do it Pinkie?”

“Ohmygosh yes! Goodnight Garilend! Set your toasters to pink this time around! It’ll be a party for everyone! Wahooooo!”