//------------------------------// // Daring Do and the Uncharted Garden // Story: The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody) // by TundraStanza //------------------------------// Advisory: Please set "Formatting" to "Dark" before continuing to read. Thank you. A/N: I had hoped to pit two treasure hunters against each other for a while, but my mind just kept blanking for some reason. Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, Amy Henning, and Naughty Dog. --- The Moment No Pony was Waiting For Season the Sixth Watch out for the boulder traps! Sometimes being a treasure hunter requires more than just wits and navigation. Sometimes, you've got to put up your dukes and fight for your life. Daring Do: archaeologist and author. And Nathan Drake: explorer of the uncharted. He's W and I'm B. And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle. ~~~Death Battle~~~ Daring Do -Pen name: A. K. Yearling -Pegasus with a compass cutie mark -Well-rounded puzzle-solving skills -Can utilize environment for offense and defense -Pinpoint accuracy with steps and throws -Hat is apparently lighter and stronger than titanium -Regularly gets captured by an ahuizotl and a scruffy scheme-artist -Still doesn't work in groups too well Sometimes, it's not enough to be part of a group of friends destined to wield the elements and fight off evil. Sometimes, you just need a pen that's mightier than a sword, and a pith helmet stronger than darts. These are the traits of Daring Do. She looks awfully familiar with those wings and those different shades in her mane. Are you sure we're not looking at Rainbow Dash? While her origins are a little ambiguous, she has apparently been in the fields of archaeology and research for quite some time. By the time she wrote her first book under the pen name A. K. Yearling, she had been through at least a few adventures. As a pegasus pony, she can fly and use her wings as extra grabbing limbs. She can solve a number of puzzles, avoid various traps, and can even keep going if one of her wings is broken. Normally, she doesn't take a whole lot of equipment besides her outback outfit and trusty hat. And that hat is ridiculously strong. It can apparently resist heat, stop arrows from piercing all the way through, and can somehow maintain enough kinetic energy to bounce off walls and knock a down-held lever up to disarm a doomsday device. Of course, that hat trick only worked because Daring Do has incredibly good luck and accuracy. She's strong enough to hover with four concrete blocks strapped to her hooves, and she can hold her breath for over ten seconds. Still, that luck sometimes runs short and she often ends up getting caught by her nemesis Ahuizotl and a gruff-bearded horse and his henchmen. Sure, she's recently learned to start trusting new ponies to help out, but she prefers to work alone. It's just as well. This is a one-on-one Death Battle scenario. Yearling can disguise herself from the public eye with a cloak, glasses, and a lady's hat. She even knows when the best disguise is to hide in plain sight as herself, next to a bunch of Daring Do cos-players. Then again, how dumb are her enemies to fall for a beard made out of leaves? Nevertheless, she'll do what she needs to do to recover the treasures of temples and put them on public display. Unless it's the one giant ring to rule them all. In which case, she'll smash the darn thing into pieces. "I've got to get this to a museum. Thanks for your help." ~~~Death Battle~~~ Nathan Drake -Birth name: Nathan Morgan -"Just a guy like you and me" -Highly knowledgeable about history and geography -Extremely good luck -Weapons: Desert eagle pistol, grenades, assault rifle, and sniper rifle -Can jump gaps over 19 feet, push boulders over 20 tons, and survive exploding transportation -Doesn't really plan for anything aside from the general here-and-now -Survival often requires outside help The life of Nathan Drake is anything but a well-planned path. He's a seeker of lost worlds and treasures for both the thrill and profit that come with the adventure. For the first part of his life, he was an orphan, constantly under the hatred of just about everyone he knew. Despite the poor conditions, he would learn a lot in the ways of history, geography, and probably most of the encyclopedia. His first quest was to find a journal belonging to his late parents. He and his brother succeeded in finding it, but ended up trespassing on an old woman's house. She promptly died of a heart attack right in front of them. Seeing as how standing over a dead body is the first step to life imprisonment, Nathan started his life on the run. Over the years, he learned to roll with life's punches, as long as those punches didn't kill him. He's a man after my own heart, diving headfirst into any and all of his problems. At one point, he joined up with an ex-military turned con-artist and learned how to properly use a gun. He is most comfortable carrying a desert eagle pistol and a few grenades, but he has also used other weapons that he comes across such as assault rifles and sniper rifles. He can push huge boulders bigger than himself and can jump across ledges over nineteen feet without a running start. Don't forget that he survived and escaped exploding transportation on multiple occasions. Hell, he shot a propane tank in a train and climbed it up a mountain before it had the chance to fall down the steep drop. Nathan was never meant to be a super-soldier. He's quote, unquote "a guy like you or me" who reacts to his absurd situations much like The Straight Man trope in fiction. Still, for a guy that isn't a super-soldier, he tends to kill a lot of enemies that are trying to get the treasure before him. None of that would be possible without some stupidly good luck on his side. The guy fell out of a plane, landed in a desert, wandered through that desert for two days without proper rest, water, or food, and still managed to fight off some ***holes that were trying to shoot him dead. Just goes to show how far inspiration from Francis Scott Drake can go for one man like Nathan. Since when did Francis ever jump out of exploding planes or shoot a propane tank to survive? "Just don't break your neck." "Well, that's the plan." ~~~Death Battle~~~ Alright, the combatants are set. Let's settle this debate once and for all. It's time for a Death Battle! ~~~Death Battle~~~ A bronze yellow pegasus in a safari outfit ducks around some long-hanging tree branches. She looks out at an old cathedral. She dashes behind one pillar, then somehow tiptoes on her hooves further inside. The camera pans over to a hidden back entrance as a guy in a gray shirt and blue jeans keeps his head low and wanders in that way. The back wall has a stained glass portrayal of a bearded man in a purple cloak. The pony crawls from aisle to aisle, looking left and right for potential threats. As she approaches the front of the sanctuary, she spots a circular pattern on the floor. Several images of different animals are marked along points around the circumference. The pegasus flies up to get a better look at the animals and holds a hoof under her mouth in wonder. She hovers near the top of the circle and taps the image of a sitting lion. She floats over to the bottom right and touches the image of a small sheep laying on its stomach. Finally, she flies toward the bottom left and presses her hoof against a white dove with an olive branch in its beak. The three animals glow before the floor inside the circle opens up. Meanwhile, the man holds himself against a corner of wall to avoid being spotted. He peeks around, not really sure what to make of the creature flapping its wings. That's when he spots the platform rising from the center of the circle. It looks like a cross topped with a golden sphere. The sphere is laced with an intricate pattern. He gasps as that object is the reason he is here. "Huh?" The pegasus turns her head. "It's no use hiding! Show yourself!" "Aw, crap..." The man steps around the corner and holds a hand near his belt. "I don't suppose a flying horse that shouldn't even exist in the first place would consider leaving that item right where it is while I take it, would you?" "I don't have time to play pretend," comments the pegasus while holding a hoof near her hat. "This Apple of Eden needs to be locked up in a safe place so that neither the Templars nor the Assassins' Guild can abuse its power." "*Ess*! She knows." He clenches his fist before grasping the weapon in his holster. "Well then, I'm terribly sorry that it had to go like this." She pulls a rope out from her hat. He pulls out a pistol and aims. "FIGHT!" Daring Do lowers her head. Nathan Drake fires a shot, but the bullet bounces off the pony's hat. Daring lashes the rope at the golden sphere. Like a lasso, the rope pulls its target toward its wielder. As Daring grabs it in her hoof, the Apple of Eden shines brightly. Various straight lines of golden light stream through the cathedral. Nathan raises his arms to cover his eyes. Daring does something similar with her wing. The scenery drastically changes shape and color. When the Apple is done with its impromptu light show, a lot more greenery is visible. Trees of all kinds are all reaching for the sky. Giants leaves of exotic plants grow haphazardly between roots and dirt. Birds can be heard chirping in the distance. The camera pans past some low-hanging fruit. The pegasus dares to open her eyes. She audibly gasps at the new setting. She gazes back at the sphere in her hoof before stuffing it in a flap inside her hat. She dives into a nearby bush. Nathan slowly walks as he looks around and above himself. "Uh... okay... sure. Random forest! Why not? *Ess*..." A breeze shuffles some of the leaves near Daring Do's hiding spot. Nathan catches sight of a bronze feather. He pulls out a small, pineapple-patterned item, pulls out the pin with his teeth, and throws the rest near the bush. Daring's eyes widen before she quickly flies up and away. The grenade explodes. Nathan dives behind a tree before looking up and around. He points his pistol and fires a few shots. Daring darts from tree to tree, trying to avoid the shots. One of the bullets nicks a feather on Daring's left wing. She silently grits her teeth as she circles around. "I'm shooting a flying horse..." Nathan reloads his pistol. "What has my life come to?" Just as he finishes asking that, a back hoof slams against his wrist. His pistol and the new magazine go soaring off into the plants several feet away. He throws a couple punches. Fist bounces off hoof. Then a wing smacks him upside the head. Four hooves together collide against his abdomen and rib cage. He falls onto his back and groans, holding both of his arms around his torso. "If you know what's good for you, you'll stay down!" Daring Do gives a quick hoof salute before flying away. Struggling to breathe properly, Nathan rolls over and shakily stands up. He grabs a scoped rifle from off his back and looks around. The cross-hairs show up as a circle amidst a black screen. He aims for what looks like a compass-marking on the pony's hide and fires. Right then, Daring makes an arc turn in her flight. However, what she doesn't see is the longer bullet flying at a higher speed. It goes through the vertebra at the base of her neck. Her eyes open wide and her pupils shrink. She struggles, but can't seem to move anything. Unable to do much, gravity points her head and nose toward the ground. There's a large sound as she impacts with the dirt. Her hat bounces off. The flap opens and releases its contents. The Apple rolls over to a lucky man's hand. "Heh. If you know what's good for you, you'll stay down. Right?" Nathan smiles and holds up his prize. "Headshot!" ~~~Death Battle~~~ Holy crap! If I had blinked, I would have missed that! While both of these characters rip off other treasure hunters in their own ways, Nathan's tenacity and extraordinary luck won out in the end. While Daring Do is also ridiculously lucky, she has never had to kill an opponent. Meanwhile, taking a life is just something that happens every other week for Nathan. Sure, Daring Do can fly and fight a few jungle cats at once, but Nathan can withstand the force of impact from a fall from several feet high. Heck, he could probably jump over most of the large openings that Daring Do adventures across on a regular basis. Plus, Nathan had far more long-ranged options than Daring had available. Both are skilled at making use of their environment, but Nathan has had to hold his own as a one-man army with his arsenal of weaponry. Technically, Daring Do had the better defensive option by way of her hat over Nathan's insistence on never traveling with any armor. But while her hat is tough enough to take hits from arrows and possibly other projectiles, the rest of her body is not. I guess Daring didn't Do what she set out to accomplish. The winner is Nathan Drake. ~~~Death Battle~~~ Just as all seems well, the screen goes photo-negative for a split second. Nathan looks down to see a sharp blade sticking out of his chest. Gagging as his own blood spreads across his shirt, he struggles to turn his eyes to look behind him. The audience catches a glimpse of a man wearing a hoodie composed of silver and red. "Like my ancestor Ezio Auditore once said, 'Requiescat in pace, bastardo'." The hidden blade is withdrawn. Even more blood spills out of Nathan's chest as he falls to his knees. His hand loses grip of the Apple of Eden as he collapses onto his face. Desmond picks up the Apple and holds it as high as his thin layer of unshaven facial hair. The golden sphere glows brightly. This leads to the screen fading to white. ---