Additional contributions by MixMassBasher
Dear Diary,
I was busy packing all of Twilight's old sex toys from the castle when a certain mailmare crashed into the palace with a letter for me. Now this is why I insisted on getting mail personally, so that Princess Bitchlight will have to pay all the damages caused by each and every mail delivery I get. Boy, I love this town! I would have laughed some more at Twilight’s ordeal if not for the fact that I was being invited back to my old village for another propagandic celebration that I came up with off the top of my head back then to please the masses urm... I mean my old friends. Of course, I clammed up. So, Twilight and the gang ended up forcing me to go, but allowed me to bring a friend along. It was an obvious choice to bring Trixie just so I could piss off the petty princess some more.
Thanks for the suggesting that, Twilight Flopple.
-The Great and Powerful Trixie
Reaching my old village, I was reminded of how creepy the smiles are like there and the occasional "You've got mail," after every welcome. But then the damn villagers decided to drop a giant bombshell on me by making me their leader again. I mean, wow! They must have really fucked up something to have me be their mayor again. Thus, Trixie and I gallantly ran away so I won't have to clean up whateverfucking messes they caused.
Returning to Ponyville, I found the place had gone up a few more levels in the weirdometer than it normally does. Pinkie was acting more stupid than usual, everypony else I met was on Twilight-levels of bitchiness and Twilight was offering good advice! Okay. Am I in the right Ponyville?
I was pretty sure it's the right one, Starlight. Considering all the ponies kept staring at us menacingly like they normally do.
Next, Princess Luna went all dreamception on me and informed me that the changelings had returned. Either I had finally reached the final levels of insanity this town causes or the changelings really are back. Guess the bug spray filled missiles the princesses launched on the badlands didn't work. I immediately went to find Trixie, who I swear was muttering a wet dream involving Celestia before her trailer lit up in fireworks.
I did not! I was just... method acting a new performance I came up with...
I’ll be honest. I’m quite surprised the Mane Six failed to save the day for once. What's next? Discord playing hero?
You really shouldn't start jinxing yourself.
-Discord
After uncovering yet another take over Equestria plot, Trixie, to put it lightly, was acting like a fucking mess. So much for showmareship, eh Trixie? Her panicking only got worse when she started screaming way louder than the time when Twilight went hanky panky on her with a wild shiny Thorax appearing out of the tall grass, saying that the Crystal Empire has fallen... again...
You shouldn't be surprised. I was able to break in there once, remember? Obviously, a whole hive could.
-Thorax
Seriously? I thought of a convoluted evil time travel scheme to thwart Twilight and failed, but it took just a few days and Twilight's own incompetence to have failure slap her right on the flank? What the hell??? How's that fair?!?! And then there's Discord...
Salutations! Bronies and Pegasisters!!
And so now my life has officially become a whole lot worse... But sadly, we needed all the help we could get. Luckily, we only had to mention to Discord that his waifu got kidnapped and the next thing we knew, we were at the changeling kingdom.
I nearly puke out all my love all over Trixie...
But now Queen Chrysalis is screwed! We had motherfucking Discord on our side!
Uh, actually—
Think up a plan, Trixie says. Ha! Who needs one? We got chaos magic!
Hey!
I agree to that motion! Release the pigs!
Starlight, the thing about magic here is—
You would think we won, right? My stupid adventure was over and done with, right? Right?? But by shitty circumstances, only changeling magic works in the changeling kingdom! What the actual fuck!?
I was trying to tell you that!!!
Thus, we had to walk to the castle, topple the Iron Throne of Queen Chrysalis and save the day... Blah, blah, blah! You get the picture.
Prepare yourself Chryssie. Winter is Coming!
You know nothing, Starlight Snowfall...
The journey there was even worse and I was quite surprise the changelings hadn't caught us already with Discord loudly complaining like a four-year-old child...
That, The Great and Powerful Trixie can agree with!
Agreed!
If I still had my magic you would all be cantaloupes now...
Honestly, I would be Twilight’s sex slave for a year if he could at least muster enough power to disappear from us...
The Great and Powerful Trixie agrees with that, too!
Me too!
I really wished I had my powers right about now!!!
To pass the time, I figured I’d annoy Discord by having all of us think up a secret code to make sure that we are who we say we are. We settled with Klutzy Draconequus. Because Discord is completely useless without magic.
Would you all like a one-way trip to the sock puppet dimension?
The changeling hive itself was relativity strange. It looked like the walls were made of molding cheese and the doors shifted around randomly. It must really suck if a wall suddenly opens when a changeling is taking a number two.
Why do you think I left this decrepit kingdom?
M. C. Escher would be proud of this type of chaos, though!
The ridiculous part was that it took the changeling patrol this long to realized that their worthless home was compromised. I mean what happened? Did their arena towers get destroyed by some barbarians? To avoid confrontation, I thought up a great idea to make Trixie and Thorax play as bait and we managed to maneuver them. Deception can be so much fun!
Why do you think we changelings do that all the time?
Subsequently, we reached the Queen's chamber, but guards were stationed everywhere. Oh, so now they get off their buggy little asses and do something! To get past the guards, we had Discord do some crappy stand up comedy. Oddly enough, it worked.
Crappy stand up comedy? I'm partially comedy gold!
More like comedy stone.
Hahahahah!!!
Oh, shut up, you wannabe Hoofdini!
I would have bothered to wait for Discord, but I figured he'd survive being drawn and quartered. Who cares what happens to him? He's Discord!
Well, what happened was that I escaped, Benny Hill style, and got caught up in a freebie Fluttershy Orgy, and if I never hear another muffled squee coming from between my legs, it'll be too soon.
Afterwards, a Discord popped up but it was easy to see through that disguise even without a codeword. He wasn’t being a dick at us. Thus, Trixie managed to get him tied up and thorax and I escaped.
Let’s just say that changelings and I got very acquainted with each other and my rope...
We reached the throne room to find my old friends hung up like ceiling ornaments and our plan pretty much backfired. Why the fuck didn't I bring my old time travel spell as Plan B?
That could have saved a lot of trouble...
By this point, I really wanted to punched that smirky little queen, but Thorax beat me to the punch by mega-evolving into a male Queen Chrysalis that got barfed on by rainbows.
I also had three horns on my head. Does that make me a Trilicorn?
So, we managed to save the day by choosing not to be a selfish bitch like Twilight and share our love. Then, I tried going all friendshippy on Chrysalis about forgiveness and whatnot, yet she had the nerve to run away. Seriously! Instead of reforming she just flees instead? How dare she steal my shtick! I propose King Thorax decree to have Chrysalis’ head on a platter. Who’s with me?
Already ahead of you on that.
I'll get my bug hunting net!
And I'll get a fly swatter!
So, I decided to celebrate the fact that somebody else besides the Mane Six saved the day for once by visiting my old town for the festival. To my surprise, my old town was still setting up preparation like the end of Equestria wasn't happening. They really need to get a better news post here...
You did put them at the end of Equestria... What did you expect?
So what now? Are my new friends and I going to form a league that does justice or something? If so, I propose my new friends and start a collective diary of our experience as better friends than the Mane Six. And our first entry, we’ll write about our very first adventure together.
Eat your heart out, Twilight Sparkle!
The times they are a changeling!
Pretty sure we'll be taking over for season seven at this rate.
-Starlight Glimmer, The Great and Powerful Trixie, Discord and King Thorax
Dear Starlight Glimmer,
You think you got it bad when you were worried your old townsfolk hating on you? I was stuck with the people I bullied all my life and was constantly reminded how much of a bitch I was. Please.
Your fellow friendship student,
Sunset Shimmer
Dear Starlight,
Did you have to wake me up from my slime slumber? I was having a nice sexy little dream.
Your mentor,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
P.S. If you think saving Equestria once will earn you princesshood, think again.
Dear Writers,
What’s with you guys and trying to depower me all the time? First worm flu, Tirek, and now plot convenience changeling magic? I'm supposed to be chaotically overpowered!!! Are you worried I'll become a gary sue? You already introduced that Gabriella fellow, so what gives!?!
Annoyed,
Discord
Dear Discord,
Speaking from experience, that's exactly what they're worried about.
Sincerely,
Christopher Thorndyke
Dear Misfit Six / Mane Six 2.0,
Can we join? We could be perfect additional members to your league.
Glad to help,
Sunburst, Dragon Lord Ember and Gabby
Dear Queen Chrysalis,
Pfft! Pfft! Pfft!
Translation:
Heard your home got destroyed. Come by my place for some hugs and cuddles then.
Your waifu,
Fluffle Puff
THE FOAL FREE PRESS
This morning during the daily press briefing, Princess Twilight Sparkle's new press secretary Fawn Nicer announced that the Princess was implementing a travel ban on all changelings coming into Ponyville. The princess stated, and I quote: "Just stay the fuck over there."
And, that was it. The press briefing lasted all of 15 seconds.
Ponies still read this paper?
Dear diary,
I've noticed that Chrysalis is the only 'Queen' this world has seen. I'm a queen, and the highest royalty I've ever seen among the Equestrians is Princess.
So Queens are evil? Is that what they're saying? That female monarchs with absolute power are bitches?
Why the hell isn't Twilight a Queen?
-King Thorax