You wake up, eyes feeling heavy and achey.
It’s sometime in the morning, sure enough, as there is a bit of sunlight coming through your window. It’s impossible to tell what time it is exactly, though, so you tiredly glance at the clock on the bedside table.
7 a.m.
Good. It’s still pretty early.
Considering the time you went to bed last night, which was like 3 in the morning, you haven’t gotten a whole lot of sleep. Hardly at all, actually.
So it won’t be that big of a deal if you doze off a little longer. No harm in that, you reason, especially if Princess Luna told Princess Celestia about your time in jail last night.
You kinda hope she doesn’t, to be honest. It wasn’t a big deal. You’d hate for that guy to get yelled at again, the way he was. That was just terrifying.
You don’t want to be responsible for that guy getting fired. That would just make you feel like crap. Sure he fucked up, but everyone fucks up.
And when most people fuck up, they don’t get screamed at by the dark lord, also known as Princess Luna. She’s really scary.
It’d be great if she didn’t come to your meeting with Princess Celestia later. They both intimidate you, but at least Princess Celestia only intimidates you with size, whereas Luna frightens you with her size and temperament.
Celestia seems peaceful enough, but Luna was talking last night like Celestia is the one to be afraid of. You’ll find out for yourself.
But that will wait until later. Now, back to bed.
Your head hits the pillow, and you fall back to sleep in a second.
==========
You wake up three seconds later and glance over at the clock.
11:30 a.m.
What the fuck? How did that happen?
Damn sleep patterns.
Well, now it’s probably best to get up. You’re still trying to make a good first impression with the horse royalty, so you gotta try harder. Waking up after noon to confusedly wander around the castle isn’t a good way to start the day.
But who knows, maybe you’ll actually get where you want to go today without outside assistance. It’s theoretically possible.
You know you don’t have any real responsibilities yet, as you’ve only been here a few days, but you feel like you need to be doing something. It’s odd to go from working everyday to just lying around doing nothing.
You’re more than ready to get out of this tiny bed anyway.
With a slow and uncomfortable effort, you squeeze your way back into your wheelchair, already prepared for the day. There is a bathroom attached to your bedroom in the next room over, but taking a shower right now would just waste another hour of your time.
Of course cleanliness is important, but taking a shower when you can’t really hold yourself up that well doesn’t seem like a great idea. You’ll have to remember to take one tonight. You could use one.
Thus, off you go, opening the bedroom door and venturing out into the hallway, illuminated by the morning sun. The hallway looks beautiful in the daytime. Much less threatening.
But where to go?
“Good morning, sir,” a golden armored guard announces from seemingly out of nowhere, startling you considerably. Evidently, you are very poor at spotting these guys, but find it admirable they manage to hide in plain site so well. “Princess Celestia requests your audience in the Throne Room when you are ready, sir.”
“O-Okay then,” you breathe, trying to control your heart rate after this guy scared the crap out of you. If one more pony pops out of nowhere you’re going to have a heart attack.
“Would you like an escort, sir?” the muscular white pony asks, as if you’d even consider such a thing.
“No, thank you, sir. I’ll find my way just fine.”
“Very good, sir.”
With that, the guard turns before standing perfectly still, looking at the wall on the opposite end of the hallway, going back to guarding this particular area of the castle or whatever it is these guys do.
His eyes may not be facing you, but you still feel like he’s watching your every move.
In all honesty, you still have no idea where you’re going. The Throne Room was that giant ass room you were in yesterday, but where that particular room is relative to where you are now is currently unknown.
You appreciate the guard offering to escort you, but you’re pretty wary of these guys. Every single one of them looks like they’re more than ready to beat you up, as if you somehow insulted them by simply existing.
And one of them actually threw you in a cell yesterday. It all makes you pretty paranoid.
But, of course, you’re still not accustomed to seeing tiny horses wearing armor and talking quite yet, so it’ll just take some time to get used to.
Probably.
You begin rolling down the hallway wondering how the hell you’re ever going to figure this place out. Maybe you should try getting a job so you can get an apartment somewhere and be rid of this castle maze.
“Sir,” you hear the guard announce as you roll by him. “The Throne Room is that way.” He points a hoof in the exact opposite direction from where you are going.
You sheepishly turn your chair around, and with an embarrassed “thank you,” you roll off in the general direction of where you’re supposed to be going.
Life is just a vague series of various embarrassing moments until death.
==========
After only an eternity of searching, you stumble upon the giant and recognizable doors of the Throne Room. It makes you happy to have found them, but you’ve also already forgotten the exact path to this room. Shit.
Oh well, at least you’re here now. However, there is a bit of a problem now.
In front of the massive closed doors of the Throne Room, there are two guards, standing diligently, potentially waiting to arrest you.
They aren’t even looking at you, but you can tell they’re watching you. It’s creepy. It’s like being in the Haunted Mansion, with all the eyes from the paintings following someone when they walk by.
Now the question is, should you approach the guards and explain what you’re doing here? Do they already know? The guard who was outside your bedroom knew where you were expected to go, but do these guys?
Maybe Princess Celestia is busy. Why else would the doors be closed? Are they usually closed? Were they closed yesterday?
Every little thing has to be so difficult.
You feel weird just sitting here, which makes you want to try and go in. But you don’t want to get too close to the doors in case Princess Celestia having some kind of meeting or something and isn’t to be disturbed.
However, nothing risked nothing gained, so you guess you’ll just have to go for it. What else is there to do? Sit here and wait for death?
With that thought in mind, you roll up to the guards, trying to process in your mind what you’re going to say to them so that you don’t stutter when you talk to them.
These guys may be miniature horses (i.e ponies), but they appear very physically fit. Sure, they’re soldiers and all, but horses in general back on Earth were very muscular creatures. Other than height, these ponies seem to take after them pretty well.
As you open your mouth to speak, the guards’ magically open the doors, surprising you. Neither of them look away from whatever it is they are already staring at, not acknowledging your exist with direct eye contact, but they certainly know you’re there.
You glance inside the room, making sure there isn’t anyone walking out before hesitantly wheeling yourself through the doorway, afraid they might slam the doors on you when you get close enough.
Thankfully, that doesn’t happen, as the guards allow you to roll on in and close the doors behind you, leaving you inside this giant ass room once again.
It looks a bit smaller than it did yesterday, but you’re a lot less nervous than you were then, so perhaps that’s why.
The only occupant in this entire expanse, as far as you can tell anyway, is Princess Celestia, sitting a mile away on her high throne, reading something. You’re no where near close enough to respectfully get her attention, so you start rolling forward, hoping she will notice you approaching.
You’d hate to interrupt her reading. She still scares you.
Princess Celestia is surely a very busy woman. She has an entire kingdom to run, and as she claimed yesterday, she’s hundreds of years old, at least. She must’ve been ruling this place for a while.
And, considering how you haven’t heard anything to the contrary, and how everyone here seems generally pleased with life, she must be a pretty good ruler. She doesn’t come across as controversial, she’s very nice (or appears so), she looks smart, and she’s massive. She’s the biggest of the miniature ponies.
You doubt anyone would challenge her authority, lest she step on them and they die. Literally. If she stepped on you, you’d die.
And, because she claims to be so old, she ought to have a lot of magic experience. You haven’t seen a lot of ponies use magic quite yet, and you haven’t seen any lethal spells being cast, but you’ve played Skyrim so you know what they’re theoretically like. Celestia probably knows a lot of ways to destroy you, if she willed it.
That is why she scares you. You imagine her darker sister has the same attributes but with a shorter temper, so you fear her more.
But yesterday she implied Celestia was the scarier of the two, and that scares you even more. Perhaps Celestia just pretends to be nice so she can destroy her enemies?
You don’t know. You will soon discover.
This whole situation is not as surreal as it was yesterday, but it’s still incredibly odd. The giant magical, flying, talking, sparkling horse took you out for donuts yesterday.
Donuts.
When in your most bizarre acid trips have you even imagined that happening to you? Presumably never.
It’d be nice of a normal person took you out for sweets, but it wa the ruler of the god damn country! Like, imagine if Barack Obama took you out for donuts. Imagine if Putin took you out for donuts. That would be crazy!
She’s very sweet, and even though that’s a trait that’s meant to be disarming, it makes you even more on edge. You can’t shake the feeling that these little ponies are up to something.
You feel like if you start trusting them too much, then they’ll harvest your organs while you’re sleeping or shave off your eyebrows.
Of course, they probably won’t do that, as the Princess is presumably being kind to you because she is, in fact, kind. It’s just the absurdity of this whole situation that’s making you paranoid.
Princess Celestia’s face has, perhaps, never been fully seen at one moment in time by anyone in history. Whenever it is that you come face to face with the woman, half her face is obscured by her wavy hair. Every single time.
Tragically, the giant magic horse with wings still hasn’t heard you, or if she has, she’s just ignoring you, as the wheelchair gets ever closer to the front of the throne.
Should you, like, clear your throat? Maybe? Perhaps greet her or something?
Even from this great distance, she still looks massive and imposing. Maybe it’s just because she’s high up, but she looks dominant.
It’s amazing how generally uncomfortable you feel around this pony, and every other pony, considering you have to live here. Maybe you can move out. It’ll be easier to learn your way around an entire city than it would be this castle.
Princess Celestia’s ears perk up, finally hearing you and she glances up, seeing you nervously roll towards her for the second consecutive day.
“Good morning, my dear!” the princess greets, setting her work to the side, turning fully towards you. She straightens her back and unfurls her wings a bit, showing how physically large and imposing she really is. She looks even moreso with her sitting a few feet above you.
“G-Good morning, Princess,” you say, voice cracking. You mentally scold yourself for that embarrassing moment.
“I’m glad you were able to join me today. Have you eaten anything?”
“Uhm, not yet, Your Majesty. I overslept and came over once I was told you were expecting me.”
“Oh, there’s no reason to feel rushed, here. You’re a guest. If you wish to sleep, feel free to do so. If you wish to explore the grounds, please do. You’re not on any kind of schedule. But you shouldn’t skip breakfast. It’s my favorite - I mean, most important meal of the day,” she smiles.
“Yes, I’ll… be sure to eat something soon, then.”
“We can eat now, if you like. Are you hungry?”
“I suppose so… I don’t want to disrupt your work, though, Your Majesty.”
“Work?” she scoffs. “I’ve read this same piece of paper ten times in the past half hour,” she admits, holding up the paper she was reading when you entered the room, before balling it up and tossing it over her shoulder. “I just can’t concentrate today. I keep daydreaming. Oh well, we’re all entitled to a day or two or five of mental relaxation, hmm?”
“Yes, I suppose so, Your Majesty.”
“Most ponies hold me to a higher standard than everypony else because of my life experience and position in society, which often gives everypony the misconception that I know everything and work at all times. What ponies fail to recognize is that I’m a normal pony, except I live a bit longer. Perhaps I’m just feeling a bit nostalgic today. It’s hard not to after living so long. But! It’s nothing a good lunch can’t fix. Let us go.”
The large horse rises to her feet - or hooves, whatever. She gives a her back a stretch, flapping her wings twice.
You feel the draft from her wings, being startled by how strong it is. You would love to see her fly, thinking it would certainly be magnificent to see.
“Off we go!” she says, stepping down from her throne and walking beside you as you roll out of the throne room.
You turn your chair around, getting up to the Princess’ side as she walks along. Again, you look her up and down as her attention is drawn elsewhere, seeing her muscles, large wings, and flowing hair. It’s a majestic sight.
“I’ve had these doors for over a century,” the princess says, nodding towards the large doors you walked through a moment ago. “I may have them replaced. What do you think? Perhaps something lighter. A lighter wood. More inviting.”
“Uhm…” you think, trying to find the right answer to the question. You want this horse to like you, so it’s important your opinion matches hers. “What would your sister think about that?”
“Excellent question… She’d want something dark and heavy, no doubt. We often disagree on decor. And many other things. Her return to Equestria has perhaps changed that, though I doubt it.”
“Her return?” you ask, not knowing what she means by that. “Where was she before?”
“Oh, I suppose nopony’s told you yet. Not to worry, dear, I will get you all caught up on Equestrian history after a long lunch. But now, what do you think of the doors? They don’t match the bright and inviting stained glass and marble of the Throne Room, I think, though I am no interior decorator. I want this place to look vibrant and pleasant to reflect the peaceful period we are living in. They’re just not welcoming, enough. I think it puts ponies off.”
“I can agree with that,” you admit honestly. “I saw the doors were closed with the guards outside and didn’t want to come in because I thought you were busy.”
“Oh, no, child,” the horse chuckles. “I just keep the doors closed so no one can see if I doze off. I get bored sitting on that chair all day.”
You laugh at the Princess’ honesty. It’s hilarious that she would admit something like that to you, you think.
“I need to get a new throne too, to be honest. That one… it’s a bit small. The cushion is worn out. I don’t fit in it like I used to. It’s a few decades old.”
The doors magically open as you both get close enough to them, as the guards outside have somehow recognized your presence from through the wall. They never cease to amaze you.
“I just can’t seem to concentrate on my work today,” she admits, leading you down a long hallway. “It happens more than most ponies think, like I said. I could use a vacation. I get my mind set on other things and it stays there for a while. Every few years it happens. Instead of working I’ll just… fly around Equestria, making big plans for myself, then eventually get bored and head back to the day job. Not that you care, of course. I’m just an old mare rambling.”
“Of course I care, Princess,” you say, being respectful. “You’ve been very kind to me and I’m… really appreciative of all this. Seriously, thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I still can’t wrap my mind out of any of this, especially you supposedly being centuries old, but I believe you. I like listening to you, so if you wish to talk, talk about whatever you want. I’m listening. Please don’t think you’re just rambling.”
That earns a smile from the princess, lifting your spirits.
“I’m very interested in what you have to say… It’s not everyday I get to talk to a millennia old, magical, winged goddess.”
“You flatter me,” the princess giggles. “A goddess? Unfortunately not, but thank you, dear.”
“I think a lot of people would think you’re one back where I’m from, Your Majesty. You certainly look like a goddess.”
“Aww, you’re too sweet!” She reaches a hoof up to her face and pushes her flowing mane behind her ear, showing you her entire face for the first time in your life before sweetly looking down at you with a pleasant smile. Her large purple eyes seem to have gotten even larger, and you take a moment to look into them. They’re a lovely shade, you think… very calming... If you're honest, in this moment at least, she looks very pretty...
Then something occurs to you…
Are you accidentally hitting on her? You didn’t mean anything by what you said, other than she’s a cool looking mythological creature, but by the way she’s looking at you, it makes you think she thinks you paid her more than a simple compliment… After all, you did call her a “goddess.” She seems to have liked that.
Your cheeks flush in embarrassment and you force yourself to look away from the mare. You have no idea what she’s thinking, but hopefully she doesn’t think you’re hitting on her. That’d be weird.
“You’re a very sweet young man,” Princess Celestia observes. “I often get the feeling the only reason anypony is listening to what I say is because they have to.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way, Princess,” you say, turning down a different long hallway. “I hope you don’t feel I’m one of those people. I owe a lot to you and Twilight Sparkle and her friends, so I hope to repay you all in friendship until I can find something more substantial.”
“There’s nothing more substantial than friendship, my dear. I appreciate your offer of friendship and gladly accept it. I’m glad you’re here with me today. It’s terribly lonely eating my meals alone, so your company is most appreciated.”
“Of course, Princess. It’s the least I could do.”
You both continue down the hall, finally turning into the large dining room.
==========
“I heard spaghetti is also a popular dish where you are from,” Celestia begins, sitting next to you at the large table. She is sitting at the head of the table, rightly so, with you sitting one seat down, as you were last night. “I hope you don’t mind, I took the liberty of ordering the chef to make us some. To make you feel more at home.”
“Thank you, Princess,” you say. “That sounds perfect.”
“It’s quite interesting our societies share many similar things… language, for instance. There are over 1,000 languages on this planet.”
“I’d say the same for mine.”
“Which makes it all the more fascinating our languages are… identical.”
“I’d say so. In everything but general appearance, humans seem to go along with ponies in this world hand in hand.”
“I read Twilight’s full report on you and she came to the same conclusion. Unfortunately, she observed the vehicle in which transported you here, but didn’t find any traces of magic or anything unusual that would’ve directly been responsible for transporting you into Ms. Apple’s farm. She’s still researching what may have happened, and will surely find the answer. If anypony can, she can. But in the meantime, you will be spending your time with me at the castle. That is, if you wouldn’t mind.”
“I don’t mind, Your Majesty,” you say nervously.
“I know you feel intimidated by the guards. And by me. But we will do you no harm. I guarantee it. If you wish to return to Ponyville, however, I will make the arrangements and visit you there. Whatever you are most comfortable with.”
“That’s very kind of you, Princess,” you say, happy with the prospect of getting out of this place. “But I’d hate for you to make such a long commute just to visit me. I’m sure I’ll get used to staying here soon enough. Eventually I’ll stop seeing talking ponies and just see fellow creatures, similar to myself.”
“That’s a very wise response,” Princess Celestia smiles. “But my offer will always stand. If at anytime you wish to travel back to Ponyville, you may do so. Do not feel you have to stay here out of convenience to me.”
“Of course, Your Majesty.”
“I will try not to bring up subjects Twilight already inquired about while we talk.”
“It’s okay if you do, Princess. Twilight and I didn’t really have a conversation, so to speak. It was more of a… not an interview… a scientific inquiry, I’d call it.”
Princess Celestia laughs heartily, her voice echoing off the walls. It’s a very un-Princess like laugh, and you love it. It’s an adorable sound. Just hearing it makes you start laughing too.
“That’s an excellent way to describe speaking with Twilight,” Princess Celestia chuckles, calming herself down. “She has a very scientific mind. She’s a bright girl.”
“Don’t get me wrong, she’s very friendly! She’s just…”
“Don’t worry, dear, I know what you mean. I’m very proud of Twilight. She’s always been an upstanding mare, and continues to be to this day.”
“You said yesterday that you taught her when she was young.”
“I did. I still do, in fact. I don’t teach her direct lessons, like a school teacher, but I set her on paths in the real world for her to gain knowledge through experience.”
“Experience is the best way to learn.”
“Precisely. From when she was just a filly, she’s always been very gifted. Her test to get into my school for the magically gifted was to hatch a dragon egg using her own magic. I think she was 6 or 7 or 8 at the time. I can’t recall specifically.”
“To get into this school of yours, a child has to wake up a dragon?” you ask in disbelief. You’ve seen Game of Thrones. You’ve seen The Hobbit. You know about dragons.
“Just to hatch a baby dragon. It takes a great deal of magic and concentration to do so. She did so successfully, hatching the dragon you know as Spike.”
“Her assistant?”
“The very same.”
“But he’s just a kid. Shouldn’t he be a teenager by now?”
“Dragons age much slower than ponies. He won’t be a teenager for quite some time. Dragons can live for a millennia, if they’re lucky.”
“I don’t mean to bring up your age again,” you say, getting a smile from the princess, “but does that mean you age similar to dragons?”
“Thank you for being a gentleman, but I do not mind speaking of my age. My sister and I do not age like dragons. While they may spend a decade as a baby, my sister and I age like everypony else. Our bodies grow and advance as quickly as everypony else’s. However, we stopped aging sometime in our 20’s or 30’s, not physically getting any older.”
“Have you always - no, sorry,” you stop yourself, not wanting to ask a disrespectful question.
“You may ask me anything, dear. No need to be bashful. We can learn a lot about each other through open discussion.”
“Okay… Uhm… Have you… Where I come from, ponies are small, and horses are large. You and your sister resemble horses more than ponies… So my question is…”
“Why am I so big?” she chuckles.
“Just out of curiosity,” you flush.
“Alicorns do tend to be larger. There are a lot of theories as to why we get so big, but nopony knows for certain. I’ve heard it’s because we are more magically gifted than anypony else, but I don’t know if I buy that. It’s just the way it always has been. Earth ponies are typically physically larger than unicorns, for example. I was this same height when I was seventeen. My sister and I used to hate it as we would always get teased and gawked at, until we realized we could use our size to our advantage. Ponies don’t tease us as much anymore.”
“Ponies teased you so you became princesses?”
“Not exactly,” the princess giggles. “But not too far off either. We used it as a motivator. We didn’t like being bullied or told what to do. What better way to put an end to all that than by being the boss?”
“Can’t argue with that,” you laugh. Princess Celestia must be a very driven woman if she conquered a land solely because she does what she wants. You find it admirable. “It must’ve been difficult.”
“It was, I suppose. My sister and I didn’t just overthrew a government and take Equestria in one fell swoop. We took it piece by piece over several centuries, and it has looked the same as it does now for more than a millenia. I’m very proud of it.”
“As you should be. I’ve only seen a bit of it, but everything looks beautiful and everyone is happy.”
“I couldn’t ask for more. The worst thing about peace is that it makes ponies discontent. Ponies who live in peace sometimes find that they’d rather live in war. And those who live in war just want to live in peace. It’s nice that my citizens seem pleased with this era of relative calm. It makes my job a lot easier.”
“Everyone wants want they don’t have.”
“More true than not.”
“If I may, I’d like to ask about your sister.”
“Of course! Have you had an opportunity to speak with her yet?”
“Uhm…” you breathe, mentally debating if you should tell Princess Celestia about last night’s events. She doesn’t appear to know what transpired, so should you really tell her? Eh, probably not. “I spoke with her briefly last night.”
“Excellent! She really is a very sweet girl, but doesn’t typically come across that way. So, what would you like to know about her?”
“Why does she speak the way she does?”
“It’s a very long story. One I’d rather not share over a meal I’m trying to enjoy.”
“I’m sorry to ask.”
“No, no, don’t be. I will tell you, but after I finish dessert. For now, I will simply tell you she prefers changing prepositions, rather than saying “I” she says “We” when referring to herself because she believes everything the Princess of Equestria says should be on behalf of Equestria. She never claims to voice her own opinion, but instead, Equestria’s opinion.”
“That makes a lot more sense now.”
Just then, the kitchen doors open and a rolling table filled with food is brought out.
“Ah, finally,” the princess sighs, more than ready to eat. “I’ve been looking forward to eating since… breakfast, I guess.”
This lady sure does love her food. It’s amazing how fit and muscular she looks considering food is all she talks and thinks about. But she is a big girl, so she can probably eat a lot without gaining weight. She presumably has a larger stomach than other ponies.
A literal mountain of spaghetti is placed before you and the Princess along with a loaf of bread, a bowl of salad, and glasses full of water. It all looks delicious, of course, but why so much? Is this all for the two of you?
Princess Celestia puts a few slices of bread on her plate before piling spaghetti on top of it, looking more than pleased to be around food. A lot of your interactions with this horse seem to be involving food, and god damn she loves it.
“Help yourself, dear, don’t be shy,” she instructs, passing you the bowl and you dish out a moderate amount of food. The amount on your plate isn’t even half of what Princess Celestia has. It’s not even a third.
You both begin the meal, remarking on how it tastes, and you admit it is really good but it’s not the best you’ve ever had. You guess in a world of knock off Italian ponies the food will also be knock off Italian food.
Nevertheless, it’s still good, and you’re grateful for a familiar meal. It’s much better than whatever you were eating in the hospital.
As the conversation between you both is just about to resume, the doors at the far end of the room slowly creak open, the annoying sound echoing throughout the large chamber for several moments as an old pony pushes the door open.
A familiar face lurches into the room. You can’t remember this guy’s name, but you remember the Princess said he was an advisor. You two have not been formally introduced.
“Oh! Good afternoon, Mr. Kiusa,” Princess Celestia greets as the aged pony hobbles into the room, eyeing you for longer than you find comfortable and appropriate. As he gets closer, his odd scent fills your nose, as he smells of old books, hair gel, sweat, and just generally like an old person. “Care for some lunch? We’re having spaghetti. I can tell the chef to make more if you would like to join us.”
Make more? There’s a mountain of spaghetti sitting in front of both of you and she’s talking about making more? Does she expect you and her to finish off this pile of food by yourselves?
The old pony meanders his way up the dining table, looking between your plate and the princess’ plate, noticing how much more spaghetti is on her plate. There’s at least four times the amount of food on her plate than yours, but she is a big girl so she presumably needs it.
“I don’t think you need anymore food,” Mr. Kiusa says disappointedly.
You can’t tell if he’s simply referring to the amount of food Celestia has on her plate or how much she’s been eating. Either way, you wonder who this guy is to question the princess like that.
An uncomfortable silence reigns over the room as you decide not to say anything at all. Princess Celestia doesn’t either, and Kiusa is just staring at her plate. You don’t want to say anything, but you desperately hope someone does. Awkward silences are unbearable, especially in the realm of talking horses.
Princess Celestia doesn’t appear to pay his comments much mind, as she swirls a forkful of spaghetti and shoves it in her mouth, eating without a care.
“You know I love good food,” the princess says, cutting herself a piece of bread.
“You love all food, by the looks of you,” Kiusa says, looking the princess up and down.
What did he just say?! Your eyes widen in horror at the way this guy just spoke to royalty. If this was Game of Thrones, he’d be dead by now.
But honestly, what the fuck is this guy's problem?! Does he mean to sound like a jackass, or is it just coincidence? It’s making you uncomfortable. You want him to leave.
You and the princess were enjoying a nice meal with nice conversation before this old guy shows up. You don’t think you like him.
Meanwhile, the princess doesn’t even appear to hear the old man’s words as she eats half a piece of bread in one bite while daintily dabbing her mouth with a napkin. It’s funny how she’s eating so much food while still trying to act graceful and proper. It’s adorable, really.
Another uncomfortable silence reigns over the empire, as Princess Celestia doesn’t respond and there’s no way in hell you’re going to say something now. You’re not even hungry anymore.
Can this guy seriously leave? You were having a good time with Princess Celestia and this guy has to come and fuck it up? Seriously, something good was happening for a while there.
As much as Princess Celestia intimidates you, you’re starting to get used to her. She’s not as scary or as imposing as she was yesterday now that you’ve had a few chats. Perhaps, in time, you’ll even grow to like the giant horse lady.
Unfortunately that day doesn’t appear to be today, as the rest of your life may very well be one long awkward moment, thanks to Mr. Kiusa. He just seems like a grumpy old man and you don’t like having him around.
First impressions are everything, after all, and his has been downright terrible.
“You know, Mr. Kiusa,” Princess Celestia begins, fortunately breaking the silence again, “I was thinking earlier, sitting in the Throne Room, that the entryway doors are outdated. I’m going to look into replacing them. Something that’s lighter will give a better impression of the room.”
Mr. Kiusa heavily rolls his eyes, and you silently pray this guy doesn’t say anything more insulting than he already has. But, judging by the look he’s giving the Princess, he’s going to.
“You should focus more on your work than on interior decorating,” he says.
Well, even though it wasn’t really an insult, you still want him to leave. He’s bringing the room down. It’s only a matter of time before he says something else that makes everyone uncomfortable.
You turn your head a bit to look at Mr. Kiusa, only to discover that he’s already staring at you. You’re quick to turn back to your food again, now feeling even more strange to be in the same room as this guy.
“I need to replace my throne cushion, too,” Princess Celestia adds, unabated by Mr. Kiusa’s attitude. “It’s gone flat. I may as well be sitting on marble. It’s hard to work on a flat cushion, you know.”
“Perhaps if you actually managed to stick to your diet instead of eating all day with your new friend, your ever growing posterior wouldn’t have ruined that poor cushion and you wouldn’t have this problem at all.”
For… the… love… of… ass...
Did he genuinely just say that to the princess? Are you hearing something incorrectly? What the hell is even going on anymore?
You’re having a real nice time with Princess Celestia, and this guy is ruining it! You’ve got to say something, you just have to say something!
Princess Celestia has been very kind and you officially became friends about 30 minutes ago, so for this douche to come in here and douche up the place is ludicrous!
Just as you turn to tell Mr. Kiusa off, you notice that he’s already more than halfway out of the room. That even further baffles you.
Did Mr. Kiusa come in here just to insult the princess? What was the point of any of that?
“Looks like somepony woke up on the wrong side of the bed,” Celestia giggles, pointing her fork at the departing Kiusa. “It’s easy to let old age make one generally bitter, I know, I’ve been there. But what a rude thing to say. I’m a Princess. It is not his job to tell me about the size of my posterior… I have somepony else to do that.”
“I-I can’t believe he said that,” you say in utter disbelief. You can’t believe the princess is just laughing off an insult like it was nothing. “I can’t believe he said that to you…”
“If he wants to show his displeasure it’s best he does so to me. If he did so to my sister, he’d be a pile of ashes by now.” Celestia laughs. “Ah… But that’s a story for another time.”
Wait, what?
“How’s the spaghetti, dear? As good as it was back in your world?”
You honestly forgot you were eating. That old guy just walked up to what you believe to be a powerful warlord goddess and told her that her ass was fat…
How the fuck is that guy not being killed right now? Or at least fired?
“I’m sorry, Princess…” you clear your throat, snapping back to reality. “I’m just a little stunned at what I heard Mr. Kiusa say.”
“He’s a faithful advisor and has been for many years. He doesn’t mean his words in an insulting way. It’s more of a harsh criticism.”
“It sounded like an insult to me.”
“As a Princess, I get insulted all the time. Ponies think I have a big butt? They’ve always thought that. Ponies think I’m stupid? They’ve always thought that. Ponies think I’m weak and don’t know what I’m doing? They’ve always thought that. Ponies will always think disdainfully about politicians, believing them to be collectively dumb and that somepony can do a better job. It’s tough to get insulted the first few times, but I eventually became numb to it. I know I’m doing a good job, and that’s all that matters.”
“I agree with that, Princess, and I don’t mean to question the way you run your kingdom, but why does he work for you? Why is he so comfortable with being disrespectful?”
“Oh, it’s not like that. Mr. Kiusa isn’t a stallion to mince words. I’ve always described him as ‘If it’s on his mind then it’s out his mouth.’ He voices his opinion at all times, not meant as an insult, but as a criticism. That’s more or less what his job is.”
“Even so, the way he was speaking to you was disrespectful, I think. If he had a normal job and spoke to his boss like that, he’d be fired.”
“He’s just been in a mood ever since my sister returned. He used to have a lot more responsibility until she took over again. I think he’s a bit jealous. He’s not used to having her around. He’ll get over it. And if not, he’ll retire.”
“How old is he?”
“Oh, goodness… He’s… 72?”
“That’s very old.”
“He’s worked for me since he was 35. Over half his life has been spent at my side. He just feels a bit left out, I think. He can’t work as efficiently as he once did.”
“I hope you don’t mind my asking, but why do you need an advisor, Princess?” you ask. “I mean, Equestria is run by several princesses, so what does an advisor do?”
“That’s a fair question. As you may guess, my advisor hardly does much of anything. Here’s the situation: I ruled Equestria by myself for 1,000 years; I’ll elaborate on that later. As such, I needed advisors to help me keep my thoughts together. Then, just a few months ago actually, my sister returned to rule by my side, which significantly lessened my workload. And now Cadance is a princess as well, which lessens my workload still. A big benefit of having them assist me is that I work less. After 1,000 years, I think I’ve earned the right to take it easy for a while. But, the downside is that if I’m not busy, Mr. Kiusa isn’t busy either. He’s just not used to it.”
“You’ve ruled over a kingdom for 1,000 years?” you ask in astonishment.
“That I did,” Princess Celestia boasts, sticking her chest out a bit and eating a forkful of spaghetti. “I had a lot more energy in those days. The majority of it was dreadfully dull.”
“I imagine so. Most people can’t work in the same place for more than a decade or two, so to be in the same position for a millenia is unbelievable.”
“Things are a lot nicer now. I haven’t had the time to just… sit back, relax, and do some interior decorating… or napping… or any of the little fun things I used to love so much. I hope I can start those things soon. Politics… it’s not what it used to be.”
“Yeah?”
“Back in the day - Oh! Just look at me, ‘Back in the day,’” she giggles, impersonating herself. “Sometimes I really do sound like an old mare… Ahem, back in the day, if a King or Queen or somebody didn’t like me, they’d attack Equestria. And lose, of course. All I do is win. But nowadays, if somebody doesn’t like me, they’ll just send me passive aggressive letters or publish something calling me fat and stupid… It’s strange, but I kind of miss war. It’s easier to handle than someone being a bully from 10,000 miles away. Sometimes, I wish things were still like the old days.”
“Be careful what you wish for,” you laugh. “I have no doubt you were a great warrior, but surely war isn’t desirable.”
“Oh, of course not… It just has a sort of nostalgic value. It’s hard to describe.”
“I guess even unpleasant things seem desirable in a nostalgic way. Like school. I hated it while I was there, but sometimes I think back on those days and wouldn’t mind visiting them for a while.”
“Exactly.”
“Not to say my schooldays were akin to war,” you say, getting a laugh from the princess. “I imagine my school was a lot less exciting.”
“Well, if you ever want to speak about war, my sister is certainly the one to do it with. She doesn’t do well with strangers, but battles are something she’ll talk about with anyone.”
“That’s good to know. I took a stroll last night and came across Princess Luna… I didn’t know what to say to her. She was really quiet.”
“She’s always been like that. She’ll talk a lot if you ask the right questions. She likes reminiscing about the old days, so if you want her to open up, try asking something about it. Tell her to tell you about the Battle of Talltree. Nothing gets her chatting quite like it… How was your stroll, though? Couldn’t sleep?”
“No, I guess not,” you say, telling the truth. You suppose she doesn’t know you went to jail for a bit last night. It’s for the best not to tell her. Hearing Princess Luna yell is still freaking you out. “It was a nice time, though. Princess Luna seems… nice.”
Princess Celestia laughs. “I don’t think anypony has described her in such a way after meeting me sister for the first time, but I’m glad you think so.”
This lunch is starting to look up again, now that Mr. Kiusa has fucked off. Princess Celestia is a very pleasant woman and you’re warming up to her pretty fast. It’s nice to share a meal together, it’s a much less stressful environment than being in the Throne Room.
Princess Celestia is much more interesting woman than you originally anticipated. And she hasn’t tried to kill you, not even once. Nopony has.
Who knows, maybe you’ll like this woman after a little while.
“More spaghetti, dear?”
==========
Have you ever been this hungry in your entire life?
You regret declining Princess Celestia’s assistance in finding a place that serves meat, but you’re just not ready to be out and about in a city full of talking horses. You think you might die if you saw something as bizarre as that.
You’ll go out eventually, but today was not going to be that day.
Just having a salad for dinner, albeit a large one, isn’t cutting it. It was a lovely dinner and all, only you, Princess Celestia, and Princess Cadance attended this evening, but a salad is just not enough.
There has to be more food in this massive castle in the kitchen. You bet this place has enough food to feed the whole city! This castle basically is a city in itself.
The biggest problem with hunger, aside from it ultimately leading to death, is the inability to be comfortable. How are you supposed to sleep with a stomach containing several leaves and croutons and shit?
Your body demands more.
Tragically, you doubt the kitchen is open now. It’s a little after midnight, so you assume the only ponies working are guards and maybe some housekeepers.
However, when one door closes another one opens, so if the kitchen is abandoned, all the food remaining in it will be unguarded and up for grabs.
With that thought, you begin to creep out from your bedroom. The hallway appears to be clear, so you move out.
Of course, you don’t have to sneak around necessarily. If you want to, you can go anywhere. But, because you’re not sure if raiding the kitchen is allowed, and assume it isn’t, it’d be best to remain in stealth mode.
The best thing about the castle, at least right now, is that the floors are very solid and smooth. As such, your wheelchair makes little to no noise as you roll about. It makes life much easier.
With several hundred feet remaining between you and the kitchen, you silently roll down the empty hallway.
==========
If you were in a video game, you’d have an insanely high ‘sneak’ level. The fact that you’ve rolled around this castle in a chair, got lost several times, and still haven’t gotten caught is incredible.
For all you know, though, the guards do see you sneaking around and just don’t give a shit. You don’t think there’s a rule against you roaming about now, especially after what happened last night.
But you’ve done an excellent job at avoiding the guards you’ve seen so far. It’s not easy to hide yourself, being as large as you are relative to these tiny creatures.
A giant, odd looking creature in a wheelchair like you is easy to spot.
Nevertheless, you’re starting to get a better feel for this castle: your new home, it seems. It’s about time. You don’t know all of the rooms (probably not even half), but you do know the more important ones.
“Aha!” you whisper upon finding the dining room that you were eating dinner in hours ago. Where there’s a dining room, there’s a kitchen, and so it must be one of the adjacent rooms.
Best thing about this area is that no guards seem to be immediately around. You suppose if someone was sneaking around, they probably wouldn’t be doing so at the dinner table. There’d be no sense in that.
Once again, you ponder whether or not you’re actually allowed to do this. The more you think about it, the more you feel like it’d be perfectly fine for you to get something to eat. Everyone here has been insanely pleasant to you, so if you asked for food, you doubt they’d say no.
But, no sense in taking that chance. Stealth mode it is.
Just beyond these doors in front of you are the kitchen, the heavenly room of food and happiness. You’re more than ready to pig out on… whatever you find and pass out.
However, just before you push open the kitchen door, something stops you. There’s a very dim light coming from the crack at the bottom of the door. As such, this obviously means that one of the lights is on in the kitchen, and as you press your ear to the door, you hear rustling, assuming that there must be someone inside.
Perhaps it’s a janitor or maid or someone cleaning up a bit. Perhaps it’s a chef, getting an early start on the Princess’ meals. Perhaps it’s a guard, patrolling the kitchen, ready to kill any wheelchair bound humans they please.
You’ve come too far to turn back now, so there’s no option other than going forward, but you elect to do so slowly, as to see who specifically is in this room.
With a light push, you nudge the door open just a creak, peeking into the dimly lit room. At the far end of the room is a giant refrigerator and what appears to be a pony sitting in front of it.
There’s only one pony in there, by the looks of things, and this individual is… eating?
There’s somebody in here having a midnight snack too! That’s good. Considering the only light in the room is coming from the refrigerator, you assume this pony isn’t supposed to be in here.
Fantastic! That gives you something to bond over. Maybe this is that cute little French maid from yesterday. It could be anyone, but no matter. Time to make a friend! And eat ice cream together!
Putting your fear of little horses behind you, you wheel in and turn on the light, illuminating the entire room. The pony at the far end of the room literally jumps in surprise, turning quickly towards you with shrunken eyes. A spoon hangs out of the pony’s mouth as she was caught in the middle of a bite.
“P-Princess Celestia?!” you gasp.
The pony sitting on her big bottom in front of the refrigerator, by herself, in the middle of the night, eating straight out of a tub of ice cream, is Princess Celestia. However, she looks very different from how she did earlier.
Her once vibrant, colorful, flowing mane is now still and bound with several pink hair curlers atop her scalp. She seemed very awake earlier but now has visible bags under her eyes. She’s still wearing her crown but not her shoes, and you cannot tell if she’s wearing her necklace as she’s donning a very large, pink bathrobe with a fluffy light pink collar.
“Oh good,” Princess Celestia sighs, taking another bite of ice cream, quickly followed by another. “I thought you were Shining,” she manages with her mouth full.
She takes another bite before holding out the tub in your direction, silently offering you to join her.
Once you get over the initial shock of seeing the magical, giant, talking, winged, horse goddess sitting in front of a freezer by herself eating ice cream, you decide to join her.
This really is quite a spectacle.
You roll up to the Princess who currently looks incredibly un-regal, and she levitates you a spoon. You guess you aren’t in trouble for sneaking around for a midnight snack, especially if the ruler of the country is doing it too.
After getting over the shock of whatever is going on, you work up the courage to speak to the Princess.
“What on Earth are you doing eating ice cream in the dark, Your Majesty? It’s the middle of the night!”
“I’m hungry. I assume that’s why you’re here as well, is it not?”
“Well, yes, but what I meant was why are you eating down here? With the lights off? Why not eat in your bedroom?”
“As a princess, one of the most important qualities to have is attractiveness. As such, I have to maintain a certain figure and am forced to diet. Lots of foods I’m flat out refused to be allowed to have. It leaves me very hungry most nights, so I have to sneak down here if I want to eat.”
“But you’re the princess,” you reason, a little confused. “Who’s going to stop you from eating something?”
“Literally everypony. My sister, Captain Armor, Mr. Kiusa… All of them make sure I adhere to a strict diet.”
“What are they going to do if they catch you? Throw you in jail? There can’t be a whole lot they can do.”
“They will lecture me until my ears bleed. It’s very frustrating. It makes life easier to just not get caught.”
“Wait, so seriously? You can’t just eat whatever you want?”
“Ugh, apparently not. Don’t get me started.”
“That’s so lame.”
“Right?!” the Princess agrees. “I’m the Princess! I should be allowed to do what I want!”
“Exactly! If you want a tub of ice cream, you should have it!”
“Thank you! You know, I like having you around,” she says, saying your name. “You’re the most sensible person in this entire city.”
You flush just a bit at the compliment. It’s nice to be complimented by a princess. It’s not something you’re accustomed to.
“I’m the only person in this entire city,” you joke, eliciting a laugh from your midnight snack buddy.
“Yes, that is a fact,” she giggles. “Oh! I’m terribly sorry, hogging all the good stuff. Please dear, don’t be shy.”
The Princess levitates the tub of ice cream aloft in between you both, offering you the now half empty tub of ice cream. You gladly take it and start eating.
“Mint chocolate chip?” you ask, guessing the flavor.
“That’s right!” the Princess beams. “It might be my favorite… but then again, I do like cookie dough… but then again, I do like vanilla... but then again, I do like the butternut almond chocolate fudge strawberry cheesecake swirl… but then again…”
You’re sure this woman could just list every ice cream flavor in the world and claim it’s her favorite.
If there is one thing you actually do know about this woman it’s that she loves food. You’re not sure if she’s actually 3,000 years old or however old she claims to be. You’re not sure if she’s some sort of demigod or something. But you do know that she eats a lot.
But just knowing that much makes you feel more comfortable around the woman. This whole situation is just absurd! It’s enough to make you laugh, and you do, getting a curious glance from the Princess.
In your mind, this talking horse is some kind of grand wizard capable of destroying you and the entire world with a single thought. So seeing her here… sitting in front of the freezer… wearing a pink bathrobe and hair curlers… looking as innocent and childlike as a Princess could…
Never in a billion years did you ever think you’d see something like this. This is amazing.
“Y’know,” you begin, feeling more comfortable around Princess Celestia than you ever have, so you’re feeling more willing to talk. “If I was King or Prince or whatever, I’d eat whatever I want, all the time.”
“I used to be as naive. It’s a shame I’m not allowed to eat whatever I want nowadays. The food tastes better these days than it ever has!”
“Ain’t that the truth. Sugar and spices make the world go around.”
“Everypony’s always telling me, ‘Oh, Celestia! You must stick to your diet!’ ‘Oh Celestia! Your butt’s too big!’ ‘Oh Celestia! Don’t sit down too fast or you’ll cause an earthquake!’ Give me a break. I don’t even want to diet.”
You laugh. “For what it’s worth, I think you look great. You’re by far the most muscular pony I’ve seen.”
“And you are a flatterer,” she giggles. “Most others would disagree with you, especially those who know what I looked like a few decades ago. I had a much stricter workout routine that I adhered to.”
“I can’t imagine you any more muscular than you already are,” you say, mouth full of ice cream. This is a terrific bonding experience, you think. “Compared to me and everypony else I’ve seen, you’re buff as hell.”
Is that a proper way to talk to a princess?
Princess Celestia smiles confidently, lifting up a foreleg so it’s in front of your face. “Come on, check out these bad girls,” she urges, flexing her considerable foreleg muscles and nodding towards them. “Come on, they don’t bite!”
With a nervous chuckle, you hesitantly extend your arm and grip her foreleg muscles as she flexes them, allowing you to feel her strength. She flashes you a cocky grin, making you laugh. She looks too cute right now. Her foreleg is strong and tight as you expected, but perhaps a bit squishier than you anticipated.
But hey, that’s what eating a tub of ice cream will do to ya.
You also never expected her legs to feel so soft and smooth and furry. It feels lovely.
“You could be a bodybuilder,” you joke.
“I was thinking more along the lines of a boxer,” she laughs. “After being in meetings all day, there are fewer things I’d like to do than sock somepony in the jaw.”
“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t punch me.”
“I enjoy your company,” she smiles, saying your name. “I wouldn’t hit you anyway. But the mayor of Minneighapolis? He’s got one coming.”
“Why not just lay him out then?”
“I doubt the citizens of Equestria would appreciate a Princess who preaches about love and tolerance punching an old man half my size.”
“Jeez, you can’t do anything as Princess! Can’t eat ice cream. Can’t punch anypony in the mouth. The job sounds overrated.”
She giggles again, and you feel like you’re on a rampage. Surely the best way to make anyone your friend is to make them laugh, and you’re doing a great job.
You laugh too, but more at the absurdity of everything than anything else. This princess is wearing hair curlers in a bathrobe eating ice cream in secret while talking about punching ponies and how fat she supposedly is.
As if eating ice cream with a horse isn’t odd enough. This whole situation is so bizarre it’s hilarious.
“There was a time I could do all that,” Princess Celestia says. “Can’t just punch who you want to nowadays. Can’t just eat what you want to either.”
“Well, you’re not supposed to be eating ice cream, and you are in secret. Should I expect you punching the mayor of Minneapolis in secret?”
“Snitches get stitches,” she mock threatens with a chuckle, and you join in. “Minneapolis is a… city where you come from?”
“Yep. I imagine it to be oddly similar to your pony equivalent.”
“Truly fascinating… It’s a very lovely city… But that mayor? He’s got one coming. No respect for any pony.”
“A true politician.”
“Not a fan of politicians?” the princess asks, making you a little nervous to answer.
“Can’t say I come across them very often.”
“I’m a politician.”
“You’re a unique case, Your Majesty."
“How do you figure that?” she asks, swallowing a mouthful of ice cream.
“You’re already in power and, because of your age and position, don’t have to worry about getting reelected. You don’t have to pander to anyone or do things just for show… necessarily. You’re a unique woman.”
“I’m glad you agree,” she says with a wink and another mouthful of ice cream. You smile up at the woman, happy to be here and in her company.
She’s a comfort and, as it turns out, a joy to be around. Perhaps your time here will be a good one. It’d be nice to enjoy yourself before Twilight finds you a way back home.
“Got anything else to eat in here?” you ask, still hungry.
“Plenty!” Princess Celestia exclaims, finishing off the tub of ice cream and tossing it at the trashcan, only for her shot to miss and the empty tub rolls onto the floor. “There’s a pantry over there, if you’d like to take a look. I’m gonna grab some more ice cream, myself.”
You roll off towards the pantry, opening it up and suddenly realizing how big it is. It’s almost the size of your current bedroom, with various snacks and foods shelved ten feet high.
This place is incredible. A lot of the food consists of various salad dressings and garnishes or whatever that doesn't constitute as food in themselves, but there’s still a lot of stuff in here. The first thing you see is a box of graham crackers, so you grab those and start eating. It’s amazing the food here is so similar to where you’re from.
It makes everything much easier.
There are also several large bags of marshmallows that you’d like to grab, but you can’t quite reach given your current position. Life is too difficult sometimes.
“See anything you like?” the Princess asks, suddenly behind you, startling you considerably. “Oh! Sorry dear, I didn’t mean to frighten you.”
“No, that’s fine,” you breathe, turning towards the robed horse.
“Are all humans so jumpy?”
“No,” you laugh. “That’d just be me. I thought you were a guard or something.”
“You really don’t like the guards, huh?”
“I’ll get used to them, I’m sure. I’m just not used to having guards around all the time. Where I used to live I didn’t have a bunch of threatening, big guys around watching my every move.”
“My guards look threatening but they mean well. They’re trying to protect me as best they can, so they can come across as hostile. If any of them touch you, I will deal with them. They know better than to disobey me.”
You assume that she still doesn’t know about your run in with the guards last night, but you’ll just keep it that way. No sense in making a ruckus.
“If I’m honest, it’s been making me nervous,” you admit. “How strong you look.”
“I hate to have given off the impression I may harm you.”
“I wouldn’t say you’ve given that impression, Your Majesty… It’s just I’ve been so nervous all the time; more than I ever have been. With how nice you’ve been to me, I’ve been more afraid of accidentally offending you than anything else.”
“I’ve got thick skin, my dear. I doubt you could offend me even if you tried.”
“I don’t think I ever would try is what I mean. Because this world is new to me, I don’t want to do something I normally do and accidentally offend you. Or anyone else for that matter.”
“Like what?”
“That’s the thing, I have no idea.”
“Do not worry yourself, dear,” she laughs. “If you do something out of the ordinary I will bring it to your attention. But so far, you’ve been nothing short of a gentleman. And if I think that, everypony will think that… Marshmallow?”
The Princess levitates the bag of marshmallows off the shelf and gives them to you, while getting another bag for herself.
“I love these things,” she says, opening the bag and popping one in her mouth. “Straight to my tush, though. Once Luna discovered these little things existed, she started calling me ‘Marshmallow Butt’.”
You stifle a laugh, not wanting to appear rude but still finding that funny. Thankfully, Celestia laughs as well.
“I love my sister dearly and like no other, but despite how courteous I am she will always insist on constantly teasing me about my figure.”
“Oh?”
“All the time. She’s a quicker thinker than I am, even after all these years. She’s very skilled in teasing and pushing my buttons. Everytime she catches me going for a midnight snack, she will walk around my backside and feign blindness, exclaiming ‘Oh! Dear sister! The sun has seemingly doubled in size!’”
You laugh, you just can’t help it.
“She’ll say, ‘Please! Your kingdom will go blind!’” Celestia laughs. “It’s very funny, yes, but irritating. So now I have to sneak down here and hope she doesn’t catch me, lest the teasing resume. And I haven’t come up with a good enough comeback yet, so she won’t stop. Sisterly love.”
“Siblings are the best,” you say. “Love ‘em or hate ‘em, they’re always there.”
“Mm-hmm.”
“All you need is a few good comebacks and she’ll stop.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, find something to tease her about. Get a leg up on her.”
“I can’t think of anything,” she admits, eating a few more marshmallows. “Luna is a quicker thinker than I am; always has been, believe it or not.”
“Does Luna have to diet?” you ask, hoping not to cross some sort of line.
“Oh, definitely. All the princesses have to. Appearances matter more than anything in politics.”
“How about,” you begin, thinking of something Celestia can fight back with. “How about… Next time your sister is eating, sit right next to her, scooch up to her side so your cutie marks are next to each other, and say ‘Oh goodness! There’s an eclipse!’”
“Ha ha!” Celestia belts out, doubling over in laughter. You start laughing too, seeing how much the Princess enjoyed your simple suggestion. As such, you decide to push your luck.
“Say ‘Somehow the size of the moon has surpassed the sun!’”
“Ha ha!” Celestia laughs, stomping a hoof, making you laugh even harder. You’ve never seen the Princess in this state before but you’re loving it. A horse in a fluffy pink robe and hair curlers laughing her ass off with a mouthful of marshmallows. “Ha ha *snort*”
The large white goddess freezes in place in utter shock, her face turning a deep red.
“Oh goodness,” she says, recomposing herself while you stare at her in disbelief.
That was the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen in your entire life, you think. You must make it happen again. You absolutely must make that happen again. This giant horse goddess has the best laugh ever. You love it.
“That was very unladylike,” she clears her throat, trying to stand up straight. You think it’s a shame that now she feels embarrassed about her laugh because you adore it.
“That was awesome,” you say, laughing. “Your laugh is awesome.”
“Thanks,” she giggles with a strained smile. “I try to control it when out in public.”
“What? Why?”
“It’s not the most refined of noises.”
“No, I guess it’s not, but does it have to be?”
“It does if you’re a princess,” she nods.
“See, that sucks. Can’t eat what you want, can’t punch who you want, and now can’t even laugh how you want? The job sounds overrated at best.”
“That it does,” the Princess quietly remarks with a small smile, and you feel like you’ve somehow brought the mood of the room down.
She doesn’t seem as upbeat as she did before so now you’ve gotta think of something to get out of this situation.
“I’m still hungry,” you say, getting her attention. “How about we make some sundaes?”
That seems like the best way to get back on track.
“I’ll get the bowls,” she smiles, and you mentally high five yourself for getting the ball rolling again. You and the Princess seem to enjoy each other’s company quite a lot, at least when it’s just you two hanging out together.
You like being with her now. She was intimidating earlier, but seeing her in a fluffy pink bathrobe and hair curlers while having some fun in the middle of the night with you has essentially erased all your previous apprehensions.
This is just amazing. She hasn’t treated you anything short of a welcomed friend, and she’s been incredibly accommodating to a stranger and foreign creature like you.
You should try harder to be friendly with this gently woman. You’ve been very pleasing this evening, if you must judge yourself, and you’ll try to act this carefree around her henceforth.
The Princess levitates out a couple bowls and several tubs of ice cream all at once, placing them before you.
“How should we start?” the princess asks with a big smile.
==========
These are easily the tallest sundaes on the face of the planet. What started as adding several different flavors of ice cream and sprinkles together in a bowl has turned into stacking whatever you both can find as high as physically possible.
You’ve forgotten you were supposed to be eating these.
The base of your sundae is vanilla ice cream with chocolate on top of that, then more vanilla, then some nuts and sprinkles and cherries, then some whipped cream, then some marshmallows, then some graham crackers, then god knows what. This building project has quickly descended into madness.
Princess Celestia’s sundae is more of the same, but her sundae is kind of leaning to the side, getting close to toppling over.
“You sure that’s gonna hold?” you laugh, pointing to her sundae. “Looks like the Leaning Tower of Pisa.”
Celestia laughs. “It’ll be fine! It’ll be fine! It just needs a support system… Maybe we can make one out of marshmallows and toothpicks.”
“Like scaffolding?”
“Yes, yes. Maybe we can use some graham crackers and cake frosting to hold it together, like in a gingerbread house. Like some flying buttresses.”
“I like the way you think, Your Majesty.”
“Well, you don’t get to where I am today without knowing these things,” she brags with a chuckle.
You start connecting graham crackers with cake frosting to hold them together in the hopes of supporting the Princess’ leaning tower of ice cream while she does the same.
“Timber!” the princess exclaims, and you look up just in time to watch her sundae topple, splattering onto the table. “Ooh. Too little too late," she laughs, not caring at all that her tall dessert now lies in ruins.
“Well, at least we were trying. Here, help me with mine,” you suggest, handing her a bag of marshmallows which she gladly accepts. You decide to just ignore the pile of ice cream and nuts and cherries that is now piled onto the floor. Cleaning up would ruin the fun.
The Princess impales several marshmallows onto a twizzler and pushes it into the ice cream.
“Very creative, Princess,” you say, complimenting her work.
“Thank you, my dear,” she buffs out her chest proudly. “Oh my, this is starting to get pretty big now.”
That’s what she said.
You contemplate making a dirty joke, but considering how young your relationship is, it’d be for the best to hold off on that for a while. You don’t know if she finds that kind of stuff humorous anyway.
The mountain of a sundae is now a couple feet tall, but that’s not going to last much longer. Ice cream melts, and two feet is a grand distance for ice cream to be piled, especially with all the other crap you’re both shoving onto it.
“Oh hey, check this out!” Princess Celestia exclaims, drawing a long line of whipped cream onto her face, just above her eyes, representing a unibrow. “You call me Boris now,” she demands with a scowl in an excellent eastern European impression. “You give me ice cream or I break legs.”
You laugh, enjoying her new accent very much.
“Why laugh? Why you laugh at Boris?”
“That’s an excellent impression, Your Majesty.”
“Isn’t it though?” she giggles, wiping her forehead clean and eating the whipped cream that was just there. I've had a few centuries to perfect it."
Princess Celestia takes the can of whipped cream again and directly sprays it onto her cheeks and chin, heavily coating it with the cream.
“Do I look prettier with a beard?” she winks, licking some of the cream off her lips. “I feel like a Princess.”
“Nothing short of beautiful,” you laugh.
You both laugh and continue to add random items to your sundae, now getting more carried away with that you can put on it than by what you actually want to eat. Actually eating all this hasn’t even crossed your mind.
Whoever is going to have to clean these up is gonna be pissed, but oh well. This is fun. You haven’t had this much fun since-
“Halt! Who goes there?!” a voice barks from outside the kitchen door.
You and Princess Celestia freeze in place, her eyes wide with some of the whipped cream dripping off her chin and onto the floor. She looks like a little kid about to get caught with their hand in the cookie jar, and that’s more or less what she is.
“Shh!” she shushes you, even though you’re not making a noise.
“I said Who goes there?! I’m coming in!” the voice barks, his hooves getting closer and closer.
In a flash, Princess Celestia’s eyes dart to meet yours as you both stare at each other, wondering what to do to escape this predicament.
“Run!”
“Hide!” you both exclaim simultaneously, bursting out into fits of laughter as you bolt out of the back of the kitchen.
The Princess takes the lead and you try your best to roll quickly behind her, trying to keep up and stay together. You both run into the hallway, but know you must distance yourselves as much as possible from the kitchen.
This is the fastest you’ve ever rolled, you think, as Princess Celestia glances behind her with a big smile, making sure you’re still there. The whipped cream is still dangling from her chin, you notice.
“Over here!” she whispers, and you both get behind a couple of columns to hide for a moment, still giggling, a rush of fresh energy overcoming you both. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” you laugh, catching your breath. “Haven’t had to sneak away from a midnight snack since I was a kid. Are you okay, sir?” you joke.
“I’m fine,” she laughs, wiping the remnants of her whipped cream beard off her face, eating the cream with no shame. “This is exciting, huh?”
“Very,” you laugh, not at what she said, but how she looks. She looks so excited to be hiding from her own guards, like a big kid. She’s so cute!
Huh. You guess that’s an okay thing to think, right? She is cute.
“Ready to move?” she asks, snapping you out of your stupor.
“Where are we heading?”
“Your room?”
“Sounds good to me. Is the coast clear?"
“Yeah, yeah,” she claims.
“You didn’t even look,” you observe. There’s no way she just knows you’re safe where you are without actually checking.
“Pfft!” she laughs sarcastically. “You're so cute. I don’t need to look! I know this castle like the back of my hoof! I know all the guard patrols, trust me. At this time of night, there are no standing guards in this and the next hallway.
“Okay, I trust you,” you say.
“Let’s go,” she whispers, creeping out from behind the pillar and you follow down the empty hallway. Once you reach the end, you turn left.
And immediately run straight into a group of several guards, including the Captain himself.
“Whoops!” the princess exclaims, quickly turning around and pushing you backwards with a bare hoof. “Wrong way! Wrong way!”
She grips your chair with her magic and drags you along as she trots in the opposite direction, pulling you at such a great speed you think you'll break the sound barrier. It's amazing this woman is sprinting so fast without shoes and in a bathrobe.
“Wow,” you laugh, making the Princess’ face turn red. “What happened to ‘I’m the Princess! I know everything about everything!’”
“Captain Armor must have changed the guard schedules,” she laughs at her mistake. “I have a short cut we can take.”
“Why didn’t we do that in the first place?”
“Because I’m the Princess and I do what I want.”
“Excellent point.”
Princess Celestia finally releases her grip on your chair and you resume rolling behind her. At this point you think it’s safe to stop sneaking around as those guards definitely saw you, but you decide not to tell her that. You’re having too much fun to stop now.
Besides, she probably wouldn’t agree with that. She presumably wouldn’t want her guards seeing her in a bathrobe and hair curlers. Again. At least she doesn’t care that you see her with all that.
After several turns and going through a large empty room, you enter a hallway that looks familiar and you recognize it as this is where your bedroom is.
Only problem is, there is a guard in this hallway. Is there a way to sneak by him? You and the Princess peak around the corner, looking at him for a few dozen feet away.
“I’ll take care of him,” the Princess smirks, her horn lighting up, and you momentarily wonder if she’s going to kill him. You assume not, but the thought does cross your mind.
Somehow, you hear Princess Celestia’s voice from down the hall, yelling “Guard! Guard! Come quickly! I've fallen and I can't get up!”
“How are you doing that?” you ask, looking up at the Princess in astonishment.
“Cool trick, huh? It’s a spell that lets me throw my voice. He’s totally buying it,” she smirks.
As you notice, the guard believes the Princess herself to be on the opposite end of the hallway, and hurries towards where he thinks she is.
“Go, go, go!” the Princess whispers, leading you back to your bedroom, which you both hurry inside fast enough so that the guard doesn’t see it. Safely inside, the Princess closes the door, having finally made it to your destination.
“That was amazing!” you exclaim, having head a great deal of fun.
“That it was!” the Princess agrees with a chuckle. “My heart hasn't been going like this in a very long time. We should do this again.”
“Nothing more exciting than running from your guards for no reason.”
“No reason? Do you know what would’ve happened if we got caught? We would’ve been scolded!”
You both share a laugh.
“But seriously, that was great. You’re a lot of fun.”
You blush unwillingly at the compliment. Being complimented by a Princess horse goddess creature just isn’t something you’re accustomed too, so for now you’re just gonna have to get used to flushing every once in awhile. It’s either that or stop being fun, and you’re not gonna stop being fun.
“Thanks,” you say, as confidently as you can. “I’m glad I snuck into the kitchen tonight, I like hanging out with you, Boris.”
She laughs heartily. “Boris is glad!” she says in her eastern European accent before speaking normally again. “We will be seeing each other very often so I’m glad we had such fun tonight.”
“Off to bed then?”
“Yes, I’m afraid so. This is the latest I’ve stayed up in quite a while, but I’m glad it was worth it,” she smiles. “I will see you tomorrow, my dear. Oh! And don’t tell my sister what we did.”
“Wouldn’t even dream of it.”
That comment makes Celestia laugh much harder than you thought it would, but whatever, you like her laugh.
“Please don’t dream of it, if you can help it. My sister will definitely find out that way. Have a pleasant night, my dear. Feel free to find me whenever you wake up.”
“I will. Goodnight, Princess Boris,” you bid with a smile.
She returns your smile before her horn lights up and in a blinding flash, she disappears completely.
“Wait, what the fuck?” you ask the empty room. “Did she just teleport? Couldn’t she have just done that in the first place?”
Pony magic is still something that is very unfamiliar to you, but now you know they can teleport places. At least Princess Celestia can.
Either she teleported or she disintegrated herself, but that’s not especially likely. With nothing else on tonight’s agenda, you slide into bed and turn off the light.
If tomorrow is half as good as tonight, then it will be a great day. You’re already looking forward to it.
Last night you went to bed nervous and confused. Tonight you’re going to bed excited and confused. The confusion will probably last forever in some amount, but you’re really looking forward to hanging out with the Princess some more.
And with that, you go to sleep.
==========
That’s probably when you started falling in love in Princess Celestia. She scared the crap out of you, and honestly she still kinda does, but once her playful nature started shining through, you couldn’t stop yourself from falling for her.
You first met her and she seemed like such a powerful and respected and feared ruler, but that night you saw that she’s just a big kid in charge of a country.
And you saw that she loves her sweets. God damn that woman can eat.
And, as the days went on from there, you saw Princess Celestia for what she was: a lonely old woman. But more on that later. There are more pressing matters to attend to right now.
First and foremost…
“When did you get so soft?!” you groan, squeezing your love as hard as your doped up mind allows. “You’re so soft and… big.”
“Recently, he’s been often referring to my large size with great affection,” you hear your love say. But her voice sounds distant, which bemuses you. Surely, as you’re cuddling her, her voice would be more local. “If I had a bit for every time he’s called me ‘big,’ I’d buy the Destrierians instead of fighting them.”
The sound of a second individual is heard giggling. “Take it as a compliment, sister,” you hear Princess Luna manage through laughter. “He’s clearly infatuated with your size, and with your large appetite, you should take that as a blessing.”
“He’s never minded my size. He’s always accommodated my eating habits. It’s what drew us together at first, in fact.”
“We’ve always found great amusement in that fact. In this day and age of personally choosing one’s own mate, We should have expected the stallion you’d fall for would be whichever one indulged your gluttony.”
“Har har,” your marefriend laughs sarcastically, though Luna does have a fair point. “We’ve always had plenty of things in common.”
“The most important one being a love of food, surely.”
“Perhaps,” Celestia says dryly. “But as fat as everypony thinks I am, he consumes much more than I! He just makes a better habit of working out.”
“It was practically his job. Staying in shape as a soldier is easy; as a princess, it’s much more difficult. Or practically impossible, in your case,” Luna giggles.
You can almost hear your marefriend rolling her eyes at Luna’s teasing. Sisterly love, as they call it. “He loves me for me, regardless of my figure.”
“If you say so… He is a carnivore, sister. Perhaps he’s fattening you up a stew!”
Princess Luna has always had a loud, deep, distinct laugh, and when it’s heard, there’s no denying the noise comes from her. This occasion is no exception.
Even though you can hear Princess Luna laughing, you don’t know exactly from where, as you still haven’t opened your eyes. Your eyelids feel much too heavy for such a feat.
You haven’t seen your girlfriend’s sister since your return home, and you’d very much like to see her for a while. But that act is proving much too difficult.
As such, if you cannot see Luna, you’ll just continue to cuddle her sister. Ya win some, ya lose some.
“Big and soft,” you mumble, stretching your back, feeling terribly comfortable. “I love my little big pony.” You push your face into Celestia’s soft flesh and kiss it before putting your head against her and sighing.
“What is he doing?” Princess Luna asks.
“Hmm? Oh, he’s cuddling a pillow. He thinks it’s me.”
Are they talking about you? You would ask but you can’t remember what you were going to ask in the first place.
Luna’s loud laughter echoes across the room once more as she takes great enjoyment in whatever Celestia said. You can’t remember.
“Your texture resembles that of a pillow?” Luna chuckles.
“Stop poking me, Luna!”
“You do feel like a pillow!”
“Stop poking me! Ugh… Tell me of your travels, sister,” Celestia requests. “Do try to ignore my coltfriend’s ramblings. He’s supposed to be sleeping, but finds great enjoyment in deliberately not listening to my requests.”
“I find his ramblings quite endearing,” you hear Princess Luna say. “With his mind on those drugs, he’s virtually incapable of telling a lie. He’s virtually incapable of forming a coherent thought! So the fact that all he’s done is speak of his love for you is most romantic.”
“I hadn’t thought of it that way,” Celestia admits. “Hmm… That is quite romantic… Don’t tell him he’s being romantic. I am still upset he left when I told him not to and he still has to make that up to me.”
You barely manage to squint your eyes open, and thankfully find that the room is almost entirely dark despite it being the middle of the day. All of the heavy curtains are drawn, blocking the sunlight most effectively.
The only light in the room would be that from the fireplace, which you struggle to look over to. As your blurry vision clears, you make out the forms of Celestia and Luna sitting in front of the fire on cushions, both facing towards it with their backs to you while sharing some tea.
It’s a shame you can’t really see their faces too well, as they aren’t facing you, but looking at their butts is way more fun anyway. You can’t say this out loud, but it appears having a big booty runs in their family.
It’s an amazing trait to have, and even more amazing for you so you can look it them all day.
Perhaps you will tell them how much you enjoy their butts. Surely that’s a compliment, right? If you told your girlfriend and her sister that they have nice butts they’d love that!
Right?
You turn over, not remembering your bed being this soft in your entire life and arch your back, letting out a loud sigh of content.
You squeeze your love as hard as you can, remarking on how soft she is.
You wonder how many Celestias there are in this world now. You’re more than happy with there being multiple, as there sometimes have been in your dreams. This doesn’t appear to be a dream, but there do appear to be two Celestias at least.
Praise the lord!
There is a Celestia in front of the fireplace and another one quietly acting as your cuddling partner. You only hope there are a dozen or so more for you to meet and snuggle with.
And you could have your own harem of Celestias. What would be better than that?
The greatest idea you’ve ever had in your entire life has just flown into your mind. Seriously, this is the best idea ever, and you’re glad your doped up mind was able to conjure it at this moment.
You will invite the Celestia in front of the fireplace to join the Celestia already in bed with you for a threesome!
Best. Idea. Ever!
“Baby!” you slur as loud as possible, trying to get your love’s attention. “Come to me!”
“Anything the matter, love?” you hear her ask from a million miles away.
“Only everything!”
“He is very dramatic,” the voice of Luna observes.
“He’s always like this,” Celestia comments with a yawn. “The drugs haven’t helped any. I was hoping they’d make him quieter, but nope. Let me see what he wants.”
With a grunt and stretch, Celestia and her sister rise from their floor cushions and approach your side of the bed, Celestia looking very tired and Luna looking amused as she gazes upon you.
“Time for your nap,” you say to Celestia. “Hop on in. Come on.”
“No naps for me. I still have some work to get through,” she deflects, making you disgruntled. “Why don’t you just keep cuddling the pillow - I mean, me, and close your eyes for a bit.”
Pillow? What is she talking about? Your grip around the Celestia in your bed loosens as you look down upon whatever you’ve truly been snuggling this entire time.
“This isn’t you,” you observe, discovering that the Celestia you were cuddling with isn’t Celestia at all, but rather a large pillow that smells like her. “This is a pillow. I’ve been bamboo… bambooz-zled.”
“What an entertaining spectacle,” Luna giggles. “If only we had a video camera.”
“By the Gods, do not bring a camera anywhere near this man.”
“Twas merely a joke, sister.”
You turn a bit to look up at the horses standing above you and come face to face with the most beautiful women you’ve ever laid eyes on. Both have similar qualities that make them gorgeous, but they appear so different from one another.
An amazing trait of these princesses is that despite the room being almost completely dark, their eyes and hair seem to glow. Perhaps it’s just the drugs, but it’s probably some weird magic shit you don’t understand.
Either way you go, they look amazing. You could stare at them all day if they’d let you. Luna’s mane especially, shines and sparkles in the darkness.
“Hey there, Luna,” you yawn, trying to reach a hand up to touch her face. Your hand doesn’t quite make the journey, but Luna moves her head down a bit to nuzzle her cheek against the appendage. “How ya doing? Been a while.”
“It has been a long time,” the princess agrees, saying your name. “We have spoken in your dreams, sir, though We take it you cannot recall.”
She’s saying a lot of words right now and they’re definitely not registering. Luna’s always been kinda hard to understand anyway, so right now it’s just not possible. As such, you assume she said nothing of any importance and turn towards your girlfriend.
“Hey hon,” you say, looking over at the giant white mare. “Bedtime?”
“It is for you, dear,” your love coos. She’s always had a pleasant voice. “Close your eyes for a bit before supper.”
“No.”
“He never was much for obeying, sister,” Luna says, making Celestia frown. “We did not mean to upset you.”
“Of course not,” Celestia sighs. “It’s hardly your words that trouble me, sister… I look to the future… And I am afraid of what it will bring.”
“Surely there is nothing to fear. The Destrieriens are retreating faster than we can advance. The war has given Equestria a great sense of national unity. Equestria is bound to make a fortune after the war is over. Your man has returned and is safely here. What it is you fear is unclear to Us. Life has never seemed so good.”
“In those aspects of life everything is going just fine, as you say… The future, too, looks up for many… But what about his future?”
“We do not see an immediate problem with the man’s future. He loves you very much, as we plainly see, and will spend the foreseeable future with you. Unless you speak of ending your courtship?”
“What? No, no! Of course not, that’s not what I mean.”
“Then what do you mean, Celestia?”
Celestia breathes a heavy sigh, and even though you are a couple feet below her, you feel her breath wash over you. “It’s… There are things in life we wish we could protect our loved ones from. Do you agree?”
“Naturally, sister.”
“I wish I could protect you, sister, as I have protected my subjects… But you’ve never allowed me such a privilege.”
“We do not need the protection from life, sister. It is harsh, but We manage.”
“I know. You are a natural fighter. A warrior… And so is he.”
“Admirable qualities, no doubt.”
“Admirable, perhaps, but unwanted.”
“Sister?”
“You know what it’s like to fight, Luna. We have seen and done… terrible things. Those events we have seen once are replayed thousands upon thousands of times over in our minds… In our dreams…”
“This is what you fear?”
“Bad dreams are not to be taken lightly, sister, I shouldn’t have to tell you that. What one sees when they sleep is what occupies their subconscious.”
“You fear he will have bad dreams?”
“I fear he will be greatly troubled by what he’s done… I fear, when the medicine wears off, he will not be the same man he was.”
“Sister,” Luna coos comfortingly. “You have spoken to him. He still loves you. It seems he will for a long time. With you by his side, We are certain everything will be fine.”
“The medication is all that makes him sleep… I’m afraid he will get very little of it once his prescriptions are up… I’m afraid he will sleep as poorly as I…”
“You worry of the demons?” Luna asks, already knowing the answer.
Celestia doesn’t respond, and simply nods her head.
“Do not look so solemn, dear sister. Your man is strong.”
“Strength does not prevent one from a haunted subconscious.”
“Of course not. But strength will help him through tough times, as they are to come. And you will be by his side, no doubt.”
“I will try to be. I fear this war will keep me from him still, even though he is home.”
“Do not feel you must travel, sister. It has been so long since you’ve had the company of a stallion. With a more than capable military, this war will progress fine without your micromanaging. We will gladly lead in your stead.”
“I do not wish to burden you, sister-”
“Tis not a burden. We greatly look forward to executing King Belmont and Queen Preakness in their own palace. Perhaps We shall photograph it.”
Celestia finally allows herself to chuckle. “You do love photography.”
“The most fascinating invention We did not witness,” Luna smiles, nuzzling under her sister’s chin.
“Cuddle me!” you demand, getting the sisters’ attention and ruining their moment.
“How about this,” Luna suggests, “We start work a bit early today. Forget your meetings tonight, We shall go in your stead.”
“I wouldn’t dream of doing that to you,” Celestia says.
“Which is why We are offering. It will be no burden, We are rather excited. If anything important happens, We will let you know immediately. Most of these meetings are small talk and ideas that go nowhere anyway, so please spend the night with your man. He looks like he needs it.”
Luna sure does talk a lot. She’s incredibly talkative. How have you never realized this before?
“Are you quite certain?” Celestia asks, ears folded back.
“More than 100%, if it were possible. Please, you are going through a lot right now and it must be hard. What good is family if not to look out for one another?”
“I really appreciate your generosity, sister,” Celestia whispers, nuzzling her sister’s cheek.
“Think nothing of it,” Luna smiles. “Please take it easy for a while. You are no good to anypony if you’re too stressed to work.”
“Thank you, Luna. Thank you."
“Thou art welcome.”
Celestia kisses her sister, being very appreciative of having a night alone with you.
“Things have been very difficult as of late,” Celestia admits.
“Truly. Speak no more. We shall leave you two alone for now. Take it easy with your man tonight. You have earned nothing if not that.”
Celestia kisses Luna again.
You silently remark in your head how that’s pretty hot. You bet if the internet back in your old world knew about Celestia and Luna there’d be a lot of drawings of them making out. That would be awesome.
Luna bids you a goodnight with an affectionate nuzzle, but you’re finding it difficult to understand the dark horse, so you don’t respond and she departs.
“She’s nice,” you remark, looking at your love and feeling happy.
“Very nice,” Celestia agrees, bending down and kissing your forehead. “Why don’t you take a little nap before supper, hmm? That’d make me very happy.”
“I want you to be happy.”
“Then why don’t you take a little rest for me, yes?”
“Okay. Hop on in!” You extend your sore arm out, pulling the covers off of you to offer your girlfriend some space.
“I can’t right now.”
“Oh… Then I can’t sleep right now.”
“Please, honey, I have-”
“Nope! I’m not tired.”
Celestia sighs, frustrated. Every time she has something to do, there you are to be a bad influence.
“I have some reports to read,” Celestia says.
“Read them in here,” you demand, motioning for her to get in bed. Normally you’d be more careful with issuing commands to your powerful girlfriend, but your drugged mind doesn’t seem to give a shit.
“Okay, but if you don’t fall asleep I’m throwing you off the balcony.”
“Yes!” you exclaim in victory, not hearing anything after she said “okay.”
Princess Celestia walks around the bed, picking up her work with her magic and gets into the bed from her side.
“No, you have to get under the covers!” you whine.
“But it’s too hot, dear.”
“Covers!” you demand.
She rolls her eyes before reentering the bed, this time getting under the covers, as is proper. It’s not proper cuddling etiquette for one to be under the covers and the other to be on top. What kind of sense would that make?
You make the great distance across the insanely large mattress to your love, grabbing ahold of her chest and scooching up to her side.
She glances down at you, making sure you’re nice and settled and no longer making any noise before her horn lights up and she turns her attention to the papers in front of her.
You hate how every time she gets in bed she’s doing work. Rarely does she ever get in bed with the intent of sleeping or being with you.
Of course, you were the one who made her get into bed, but still. Even when you don’t make her, she’s still usually working. If she’s this busy nowadays you’d hate to imagine how busy she was a few years ago when she was ruling by herself and had Twilight Sparkle to mentor. You never would’ve gotten a date then.
Timing is everything.
Your love’s wings rustle slightly, and you feel her soft feathers brush against your chest. You like the feeling, but if she’s ruffling her wings, then she must’ve forgotten you’re here.
To remind her, you grab her chest and pull yourself as close as physically possible to her, diminishing any measurable distance whatsoever before scratching her chest and kissing the side of her neck.
“Go to sleep, baby,” she instructs, not even looking at you.
Grumbling, you oblige, closing your eyes for a bit. She doesn’t appreciate you now, but she will by the end of the night. You will make sure of it.
===========
Dinner was fun. Celestia had to feed you so that was neat in its own way. The food was good and everything, but you’re starting to get more uncomfortable.
Your wounds slowly start to ache and it becomes more difficult to move. It becomes more difficult even to just sit in place.
The aching and throbbing is starting to put you in a bit of a mood, as you don’t like it. You were hoping it would’ve stopped by now, but nope. That would be too convenient.
Celestia has moved you onto the floor cushion that she is also sitting on, if only for the sake of working while having you around so you won’t complain about her being so far away. She’s clever like that.
She’s lying on her belly facing the fireplace, and you're lying next to her with your head closer to the fireplace. She has her wing loosely draped over you while she does some work, silently enjoying your company.
You look up at her face, gazing into her immaculate purple eyes as they gaze over her documents. It’s so cute when she reads. You like it a lot. A big, pretty pony with wings reading. It's adorable.
But even being this close to her isn’t making you any happier. You’re upset with her. She’s been spending a lot of time lately with not you, and that makes you upset.
You’re her boyfriend, and deserve more attention. Whenever you’re with her you give her all of your attention, so why can’t she reciprocate?
It makes no sense.
“I’m mad,” you announce for the sake of Celestia knowing.
“Oh, why?” she asks, surprised. “I’m lying with you this time, see? I’m not a pillow. It’s the real me.”
“That’s not why I’m mad,” you huff.
“Then what’s bothering you?”
“You don’t love me as much as I love you.”
Celestia gasps, her ears perking up and eyes shrinking, putting her papers down and turning her full attention towards you. She knows you’re drugged up so no one knows how you’re actually feeling, but it bothers her immensely that you’d say what you have in any physical and mental state.
“Why on Earth do you think that?” your love asks, and you feel kind of bad to make her look so shocked. But you have to tell her what’s bothering you. Communication is key to any relationship.
“Because I’ve been locked away in this tall tower like Princess Fiona.”
“You aren’t locked here.”
“I’m not allowed to leave.”
“That’s for your health.”
“No, it’s because you’re ashamed of me.”
“Wh-What?” she asks, now sounding very worried. “No I’m not! Oh, honey, why do you feel that way? Of course I’m not ashamed of you!”
“Yes you are,” you whimper. “That’s why I’m here. And I’m sad.”
“Oh, baby, I’m not ashamed of you at all.”
“Why don’t you show it to everypony? Nopony knows I’m your boyfriend, I don’t get it. All my friends know you’re my girlfriend.”
“Everypony knows we’re dating, honey.”
“Some of the guards don’t even know we’re dating. The Destrieriens don’t even know we’re dating. Most ponies just think it’s a really popular rumor.”
“Oh, sweetie.”
“I know it’s a stupid thing to complain about,” you admit. “But it just feels you don’t want anyone to know we’re dating. I don’t know… It’s embarrassing.”
Celestia takes a deep breath, thinking you actually made a very good point. She hates to have given the impression at any point in your relationship that she was ashamed of you in any regard. She would never have considered dating a man she didn’t respect.
“Sweetheart,” Celestia coos, bending down to kiss your cheek.
You tiredly wrap and arm around her head and pull her in for a few sweet kisses on her lips.
“I don’t want to upset you, hon,” you say. “I just want to tell you what I’m thinking.”
“And I appreciate that, I do. I don’t want you to feel like I’m embarrassed to be with you! I’ve never felt embarrassed around you, ever! I love you! I’ve never made an announcement about our relationship because I didn’t think you’d want me to. You’ve never cared about what everypony else thinks.”
“Y-You’re right, I don’t…”
Celestia gives you a sad smile, looking affectionately down at you. She thinks you’re just having a bit of a moment, as if you were sober she sincerely doubts you’d be saying what you are. Nevertheless, she thinks you did raise some valid points and she wishes to rectify them.
You don’t even know why you brought this topic up in the first place. You’re just crabby from having just woken up from a nap and getting incredibly sore as the medication is wearing off. The wounds don’t necessarily hurt, but they are throbbing, and all of it is making you incredibly uncomfortable.
That stupid article never would’ve been written if everypony knew how much Celestia loves you. You thought you were over that but you’re just not. That damn article never should’ve been written. The fact someone wrote that is disrespectful to you and your relationship.
Some attractive guy starts talking to your girlfriend and everyone just assumes they’re going out? Like, what the fuck ever happened to you? Does anypony know you exist? Does anypony want you to exist?
It was a long time ago, but you were outright denied entrance into the caste, your home, because one of the guards didn’t even know you existed. You couldn’t enter you own fucking house until someone else came by and told them who you were. That’s embarrassing!
You’re in a relationship with the most powerful woman in the country, who everyone knows, and no one even realizes you exist until you pop up. It’s frustrating. It’s a frustrating thought.
Normally, you’d be able to deal with it just fine, but you’re so tired and in pain that you can’t let it go.
“How can I make you happy, baby?” your marefriend coos. “I want you to be happy. Here, how about this?”
Celestia levitates over a large piece of parchment. You know it’s parchment because every time you call it ‘paper’ she haughtily corrects you.
She scribbles for a several moments on the parchment before clearing her throat and turning to you, showing you what she’s written. At the very top of the page in a fancy font are the words “Royal Decree.”
“This is a Royal Decree,” she announces to you, holding her head high. “Let it be known that I, Princess Celestia, raiser of the sun, bringer of the day, is hereby in love and has engaged in a romantic relationship,” she smiles, saying that it is you she has entered this relationship with, making you smile. “This wonderful man is to by my coltfriend, for everypony to know, recognize, look at, and be jealous of.”
That makes you smile. You don’t want anypony to be jealous of you necessarily, but you want them to know you and that you’re a high priority in Celestia’s life. You want everypony that doesn’t like you to know you’re going out with Princess Celestia, and if they don’t like it then they can fuck off.
But first, you want them to know you’re actually dating. Because you’re actually dating.
“Furthermore,” Celestia continues, “my coltfriend is to be my source of love and friendship, the likes of which I have never seen. His duties, numerous as they are, include bringing love directly into my life, in my darkest hours and moments, and providing me snuggles for all time!”
That makes you very happy, and you smile up at your marefriend, declaring her love and affection for you. You’re glad that your relationship is finally being mapped out too. Ever since this relationship started you’ve just kind of been rolling with it without bothering to let anyone outside of Celestia’s family and closest friends know.
It’s good this is all a Royal Decree. That means it’s official. You’ve officially been Celestia’s boyfriend for a while now but there are still a lot ponies who don’t appear to know.
Or they just don’t care.
“Yes, ma’am!” you exclaim, doing your duties as a good boyfriend and grabbing onto your marefriend, cuddling her as hard as you can, eliciting a giggle from the large, fuzzy pony.
“And!” Celestia continues, giggling while trying to finish her Royal Decree. “And, for as long as he shall be mine, my human will be happy. If he is anything but happy, then it is my personal responsibility to rectify that.”
“And!” you butt in, excited at how Celestia is declaring her love for you. “If you, my love, are anything less than madly in love, I will make it my top priority to make you the happiest you’ve ever been.”
Your shoulder throbs several times, but it’s not enough to ruin this moment.
“Aren’t you the sweetest?” your love coos, rubbing her nose against yours.
“No, you’re the sweetest,” you chuckle. “Did you really make all that a Royal Decree? Just for me?”
“Uh, yeah! It’s definitely a real Royal Decree, sweetums. Completely real. Yep.”
"I love you, Boris," you say, rubbing your nose into her side, making your love laugh.
That makes you happy. Celestia’s wing tightens overtop of you, pulling you deep into her side, which is your favorite place to be. She’s so warm and soft, and her wing is so large and fluffy.
It’s a good thing these kinds of ponies don’t exist in your old world, lest people kill them for their fur. You’d understand why they’d do it. You’d do it.
But you won’t tell Celestia that. That’s distasteful.
You wrap your arms as best as you can around your Princess, but they don’t make it all the way around. As usual.
You wish you could wrap her up all the way. That’d make her feel real good, you think. You love it when Celestia wraps you up. Her wings are big enough to wrap you up several times if she wanted, and she legs too.
You just have arms, and they ache and are useless. It makes you sad.
But in that instance, Celestia kisses the top of your head, and all your bad feelings flush away for a bit.
You know she loves you… You know she loves you a lot… You know she loves you more than anyone else… Even if you have to keep reminding yourself that…
You are always happy with your woman. How could you not be?
She’s perfect to you. She’s beautiful in every sense of the word. The fact that she has put up with you as long as you have lets you know that she loves you.
You know she can do a lot better than you, and that makes you afraid. You don’t think she will leave you, of course, but those thoughts still manage to creep their way into your mind.
But while you’re with her, you will make the most of it. You will give her everything. You will make her happiness your top priority. You will be happy for as long as you’re with her.
Tough times lie ahead. Life is hard now, but everything will become much harder.