"Anathema?"
There had been a huge gap of silence.
Doctor Stable peered over his glasses, furrowing his brow at the teacher. The interview had taken over three hours, and was composed of mostly yes or no questions, many of them painfully tedious... others possibly leading. Cheerilee could only guess that her answers painted an image that she would be unfit for teaching, depressed and unstable. She was tired when she went in and she was definitely going to be tired when it came time to leave, but first the doctor had to give his opinion. He cleared his throat:
"It's in my expert opinion, Miss Cheerilee, that you are suffering from moderate anxiety and depression, as well as exhaustion. You lost a student only a short while ago and that would cause any pony to feel 'empty and devastated,' as you put it at the beginning of this interview, especially since he was only a colt. I suggest you take these few days before Snail's service to rest before you become rundown and sick."
Cheerilee looked up, attempting to fake a smile. She knew Doctor Stable was doing his best... at least he'd been sympathetic, not once taking sides or talking down. There was one problem though:
"I already told you I've hardly left my house since it happened. A pony can't get more rested than that."
The Doctor grinned slightly.
"Well, then maybe this will help you sleep. It's also in my opinion you are not a danger to any colt or filly, though ultimately it's not up to me and I can only help sway the process. I will put down on my yellow form that if I had a foal I would feel comfortable with you instructing him or her alone, especially on a field trip. From what you've had to say and how you've said it, you sound like a most wonderful teacher... perhaps a bit burnt out from this experience, but that will pass in time."
Cheerilee found herself genuinely smiling. The doctor nodded and scribbled something down on a small piece of paper. He passed it to her.
"What's this? Another form?"
The Doctor got up, not before tapping his papers on the table and putting them away.
"It's one you don't have to take, if you don't want to. It should also help you with sleep."
Cheerilee held it up, reading the somewhat unclear script:
Alprazolam 1mg Tab Dava
The doctor crossed behind the teacher and swung the door open.
"You are free to go. Please try to get some rest."
Slowly Cheerilee got up and turned towards the door, script in hoof. She passed the doctor, who smiled on her way out.
"Thank you," she said, as she left the room.
Doctor Stable continued to nod as he slowly shut the door behind her.
"Take care and come back if you need anything."
Once the door closed, Cheerilee let out a warm sigh. She knew Doctor Stable was fair and could do little other than be a cog in this process, but he could help a little and the interview went along more smoothly than she expected. He was one of the few ponies that could separate the process from the pony... surely a sign of intelligence, if not good bedside manner.
Cheerilee, alone in the hospital hall, took a long look at the script, only to look back up... getting her bearings. She saw exactly what she wanted to do next.
She headed towards the exit. It wasn't far. As she came up to it, she folded the paper and let the paper drift into the trashcan alongside the bend. Without looking back she walked towards the doors, the bright light of Celestia's sun waiting behind them. This was the first time in days she felt the tiniest bit of hope.
* * *
Exhaustion, depression and anxiety. That was what Doctor Stable told Cheerilee she was suffering from. That's all he came up with, and surely a sign of remorse to have in the notes... but why had she thrown his script out?
Over twelve hours later she lay on her bed, sweating and motionless, staring up at her ceiling. Two days. Snail's service would be in two days. That's all she could think as the clock on her wall continued to tick and tick.
She looked over at the clock. Though it was dark, if she squinted, she could make out the time in the faint light. It was just after four-thirty in the morning. Celestia's sun would rise over Ponyville soon enough. She had gone to bed early, sleeping maybe an hour... which had felt like the entire night. She had hoped to be up with the sun. Doctor Stable's news certainly made her feel as if she might get some rest and start a new. The medication, she was sure, would just make her groggy and she didn't like the idea of resorting to something that could disconnect her from what she was feeling... besides, she was sure it would just backfire if she took it the night before one of those Officers surprised her the following morning.
Knowing she had nothing waiting for her once the sun did come up, Cheerilee dragged herself out of bed. An hour or two at this point wouldn't make a difference. She would watch the sunrise up high. It might make her feel better, since it seemed nothing else but time would.
The teacher, still clad in her bathrobe, walked from her apartment up a few stairs. She soon found herself on the roof. High above it all all she had was an old lawn chair resting near the edge, but that's all she needed. There was a time when she would sunbathe on that same chair, but up until lately she only had time to do that during the summer.
Sitting down she noted first that the morning was cool, but not cold... the robe helped keep most of the breeze away. She looked out at the horizon, which looked like a straight line.. The view was nice, if not a tad minimalistic, save the treeline. The sky was turning orange, thankfully not red, as clouds drifted by on a gentle breeze. She was almost certain she could see a few pegasus overhead working to make everything -just- right for when the sun finally did rise.
The sun came over the hill, instantly hitting Cheerilee with its warm rays. It felt magnificent, a sense of relaxation she hadn't felt in days. The sunrise always had this magical power when it first came up, but a pony always had to want to see it for it to work. She sat there, embraced in its warm glow for that magical moment between night and day, when Celestia and Luna had killed that black bird not a week before.
Momentary blackness swept over her as Cheerilee opened her eyes, letting out a sigh. A second sigh seemed to echo at the same time, followed by a warm chuckle. The teacher turned to her left, eyes widening as she saw Princess Celestia standing about a meter away. She nearly fell out of the chair, but kept her composure as the Princess looked down upon her with a gentle smile, her gaze tranquil as always.
"Beautiful, isn't it?" the princess asked.
Cheerilee nodded rapidly, letting out a second sigh.
"I hope I didn't frighten you. I wished to speak with you earlier."
Much like with Luna, Cheerilee couldn't help withdrawing a bit, facing away from Celestia and towards the rising sun.
"Why didn't you?"
She heard Celestia let out a second low chuckle.
"I'm sure you know why I chose not to. We must respect the system of Government our ponies have in place. Given all that has transpired and all that I have been told, it appears that you are in no real danger, but there is still one pony you must answer to, and that takes away all the meaning our system seems to have." There was a long pause of silence. The two felt a warm breeze waft over them as the sky turned blue. "Cheerilee, I understand what you've been through. I've been through it countless times, and had my ponies not trust me for generations."
Cheerilee turned to look up at the Alicorn, letting out a wry chuckle.
"I've read enough history to know a little about what you're talking about. It's buried deep, but it's in there. You eventually outlive their memory, though. I don't have that luxury."
The deity nodded.
"It's true, a pony's memory is short compared to Our eternal life... but there's one pony who will never forget those decisions."
"Luna came to me the other night about this."
"And she has but one position... in life there are seldom absolutes. In my time I've seen flies take down spiders and fillies take down demons."
"That didn't happen in the meadow."
"But you gave it your all, and for that alone I am so very proud of you." Celestia approached the chair, smiling down at the pony. "Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason as to why we do what we do. We act on impulse, from our instincts. Luna chooses to rationalize every action, as if instilling labels on ideas will make them become less frightening... but in actuality it can push our perceptions further from the truth, as they become colored by other's projection." Cheerilee's breathing began to speed up again, as she flashed back to the last time she was leading class. "I don't tell you these things to make you question yourself, but to tell you that if you've spoken the truth so far nopony can tell you why events transpired the way they did down in the meadow. Only you."
She continued to look up at Celestia... her heart rate slowing down. She still took a deep breath, fighting back the tears.
"I reached for Dinky... she looked right at me. I dove, Princess Celestia. That's all I can tell you."
"Perhaps you felt a momentary connection, no different than you would have with any other student. I can't tell you why, but I can tell you this. Ponies see what's in front of them... and there's only so much one can do. What you are seeing in others, Miss Cheerilee, might be felt as judgment or distance, but for some of it that is likely just your projection. They all have lives, and they don't want to dwell on the vulnerabilities of themselves and those they care most about to outside forces. For those who are projecting hostility your way, the guards are in part to who I am referring... Miss Cheerilee, ponies cannot live in dread. That is fear you are seeing, and will pass in time as Ponyville sinks back into its old, peaceful routines once more. They seem to blame you, in part, because there's no other pony to blame. They respond to the what while avoiding the why. In truth, there are only a few ponies who can actually do something about what happened, and we are not infallible... but your information helped us find the bird, so that it's hatchlings do not form more threats down the road. That in itself may help ponies who are born long after you are gone."
Cheerilee looked up at Celestia. The deity smiled back.
"Is there anything you don't understand about what I've just said?"
"No." Cheerilee took a breath. "I understand everything, Princess."
"I cannot guarantee you that you'll get your teaching position back, but in the millennia I've spent talking with ponies I feel you are in no way to blame." Cheerilee sighed, and Celestia did the same. "I'm sorry, Miss Cheerilee, but I cannot interfere with how my ponies choose to Govern and live. I must not make exceptions, no matter how unjust situations become, unless lives are at stake. You are the only pony you must spend all eternity with, and my hope is that you reconcile these feelings before you take them into infinity... everypony else will forgive what happened in time, I promise. For the few it may take their entire lives, but it is the emptiness and vulnerability they loath so much, not you. You are simply the effigy."
With that Celestia turned, spreading her wings in preparation to fly. She looked back one final time.
"Thank you," Cheerilee said.
The deity smiled, nodding.
"I've done nothing but give you my thoughts. I know you'll use them for good."
Celestia then took off... leaving the teacher alone with her thoughts, once again.
Cheerilee found, in that moment, she felt something... a feeling she hadn't known for days. Though what had happened was still horrific, and Snails was still dead, looking out at the sunrise, still gold and peach in hue, she felt... peaceful.