//------------------------------// // The Canterlot Elite // Story: Discordian Episodes // by CelestialScribe //------------------------------// Glistening, the sun lit up the immaculate halls of the assembly through the rooftop windows. The sets of glass tables strewn about the wide open room were illuminated by the reflective rays bouncing around the congregation. Cream coloured pillars were raised into the chandelier-laden ceiling, separating the crowds of upper-class ponies. The warming fragrance of food being prepared filled the air, the tiny portions already being served up onto long, narrow tables in anticipation for the start of the meal. Security ponies in black suits dotted every corner of the bright room. The polished white walls contradicted the many black tuxedos and formal attire, magnifying the presence of certain ponies, whom were attracting their own sets of spectators. Servants cut in and out of the gatherings, offering a multitude of expensive hors d'oeuvres to the numerous listeners. "So I said to her, the only way to stop the butler from running, is to cut off his leg!" The subdued, posh laughter of the several ponies sounded around the speaker. These jokes were becoming rather annoying now, but etiquette dictated a polite response to everything in Canterlot. "I never tire of those jokes, Jet Set," Fancypants said in attempted sincerity, polishing his monocle before putting it back on. "You can not honestly think that, Fancypants? My husband tells that same joke at every available opportunity," Upper Crust scoffed. "That doesn't exactly mean it's humorous effect is lost immediately," It was difficult to please everypony, but staying neutral was often the route to losing both parties. "Even when it never was humorous in the first place?" She retorted light-heartedly. "Well, I suppose you've got me there then, haven't you?" The circle of ponies around Fancypants went up in another series of small laughs. The clinks of wine glasses echoed throughout the large assembly. "Fancypants, you have had the privilege of attending many of these sorts of events, you must have picked up a wealth of comical material," Jet Set inquired, before continuing, "You wouldn't mind sharing it with us now, would you?" Fancypants was being egged on by various mutterings of support from the others Truthfully, the jokes that these ponies would find entertaining were, in fact, awful, and Fancypants knew it. He had heard a few jokes stemming from Ponyville that testified to the snobbish attitude that his class presented, and they were shockingly accurate. He was left standing silently, contemplating his next move. "Oh, no, no, I refuse to leave you all cringing at my fundraiser," Fancypants offered as an escape. "Please, Fancypants, I can't be any more embarrassed than my husband has already made me, do go on," Upper Crust pestered, and the others all quietly approved. "Ah, but..." It was then when Fancypants was thankfully cut off by his wife, Fleur-de-Lis, with a tug of his tuxedo sleeve. Past her voluminous pink hair, her pleading eyes suggested urgency, but her voice didn't show it. "Sorry, everypony, inventory issues. I'll just be borrowing him for a second," She said calmly, dragging Fancypants away to his relief. They exited the crowd, which continued in a composed hubbub, and Fancypants began following Fleur. "You have no idea how happy I am to see you, Fleur," He sighed, but noticed Fleur pick up the pace. "Nevermind, what is it you need?" They sidestepped around the various offers to talk and appetizers, heading towards the kitchen. "Well somepony made the grave mistake of not checking our equipment," She said with a hint of annoyance. "Am I to take that this is, indeed, my fault?" He wondered with a smile. This event had put pressure on the both of them to keep things organised, being the hosts. They had rented out this entire hall for the charity fundraiser, and many ponies were expecting the best as was usual in Canterlot. "Yes," She said simply as she entered the kitchen along with the blue-maned stallion. There were rows of kitchen counters with staff working on individual cooking areas, clean chrome surfaces untouched by a single speck of grease. While few of them were working away, hurriedly continuing to serve out food for the upcoming banquet, most were standing aimlessly near an opened shelf, the contents not visible. "So, what's gone wrong now?" Fancypants said tiredly. "I assume that we didn't thoroughly check what the last hosts here did with this place," Fleur telekinetically opened the shelf further, revealing the green and purple insides of the equipment shelf. Fancypants raised his monocle to both of his eyes, but there was no doubt to what they were. "It's full of... lava lamps?" "Yes!" Fleur said, agitated. "The rest of the cooking equipment is gone, there is no way we can cover each meal in the time we have with this amount of utensils." "Oh, Celestia, give us a break," Fancypants said to himself. While the cooks were debating what to do amongst themselves, Fleur and Fancypants looked to each other for support. The reward of setting this up nowhere near exceeded the amount of stress they had accumulated. Fancypants rubbed his eyes with a hoof, and wiped the sweat caused by the heated kitchen from his brow with his handkerchief. "Okay, allow me to present you with my most idiotic plan yet," He said to Fleur before turning to the kitchen staff. "Which one of you can be trusted to take a thousand bits down to the nearest kitchen store?" As expected, near every hoof shot up, all vying for the position of the runner. Some pushed the others over, and then started a huge scrap between the staff. Spatulas flew through the air and rolling pins met pony heads, the trustworthiness of them proven. "Right... that's what I thought," Fancypants said, and Fleur groaned in exasperation. "I'll do it," She said plainly. Every one of the staff heard, and slowly began coming to the realisation that they weren't going to make off with the money. The punches gradually ceased, and they went back to doing as much as they could for the kitchen. A lot of friendships were probably broken because of that offer. "No, Fleur, you've done enough for for me. Most of this was arranged because of you, I won't allow you to overwork yourself. I'll go," Fancypants suggested. "Are you forgetting your speech due in about five minutes, love?" Fleur smirked. "Ah. Yes. That. Darn it." Fleur stared at Fancypants expectantly. "Oh... fine." He gave her his satchel of money, enveloped with his orange glow of magic. "But, please, hurry back. Not only because we need them. I doubt I'll survive in this atmosphere much longer without you." They rested their heads against each other, supporting and comforting their tired minds for a brief moment of pause in their frantic lifestyles. Canterlot society decreed that in, order to stay on top, the elite had to keep social. It was hard when you weren't too fond of those around you. After a few moments of tranquillity, Fleur pulled her head away. "Oh..." Fancypants moaned. "I was almost asleep." "They'll be plenty of time for that when this is over, love." "Alright..." Fancypants straightened his monocle and re-composed his mane. It was exhausted, much like himself, but it was time to re-join the crowds. "Good luck, and please, don't be swain by the new shoe shop downtown." "A new shoe shop?" Fleur asked instinctively, turning her head and smiling before she exited through the kitchen's back door. "What have I done..." Fancypants muttered to himself. He wiped the natural smile that Fleur had given him off of his face and went to re-enter the main hall. It was still full to the brim with ponies, perhaps even more than before, as now the proceedings were almost due to start. He made his way to a red-rimmed table with a selection of wines and spirits. It was a shame they had no caffeine. He sampled a few of the wines, but none seemed to invigorate him into enjoying himself. Only after taking a few, potentially damaging in size, swigs of vodka was he any more alive. "Enjoying ourselves a bit much, aren't we, Fancypants?" A posh stallion's voice said from behind him. He turned to see Prince Blueblood, his blond mane dangling loosely over the side of his grinning face. Blueblood magically grabbed a glass of wine for himself. "Ah, Blueblood, I see the security was unsuccessful in preventing you from attending, or the cheap participation fee." "Ha. Ha. Fancypants," Blueblood said blandly. "No, they simply understood the gravity of my presence at this event. Maybe it is you who would be better off with the common muck, I see you're still holding on to that cheap, seven-hundred bit monocle." "Or, perhaps, I was granted entry due to the fact that this is my fundraiser. Speaking of which, I do hope everything meets your acquired taste while you are here, your grace." "I can't help but notice the distinct lack of music. I didn't realise you were cheap enough to hold back on buying a jukebox." "Yes, unfortunate circumstances, it seems, meant that we couldn't have Octavia and her band perform. We attempted to phone her, but her room-mate said she was going to be busy all week." "Shame, it could have proved a nice distraction from the insufferable attendees that refuse to acknowledge my status." "They shouldn't have to, Blueblood. This is a charity event." "Ah, yes. What was it that this banquet is supporting? Housing for zebra slums outside of Equestria? You're wasting your breath, those ingrates are unlikely to ever repay such gratitude." "I am not seeking recognition or reward for this, Blueblood. It might be best for you to understand that you cannot expect it everywhere you go due to your title, nor class." Blueblood gave a short, posh laugh. "Oh, please enlighten one such as myself then, you are doing this simply out of the kindness of your heart? Or is it a useless publicity stunt?" "Yes, you would know all about publicity stunts, wouldn't you, Prince? I do believe the events of the Gala are still fresh in our memories," Fancypants chucked to himself. "Always inclined to mention that aren't you? I fail to see how it was my fault the event was teeming with bourgeois philistines such as the mare I had the displeasure of attending with," Blueblood said bitterly. "Seems to me that somepony is upset they couldn't be as chivalrous as their façade pretends to be." Blueblood scoffed, shocked, "Upset?! What took place at the Gala lead to nothing but more evidence that ponies like them do not belong in Canterlot. How you could think that it could of effected myself emotionally is beyond me." "Maybe if you weren't so defensive about it," Fancypants remarked. "Don't you have a speech to be presenting?" Blueblood said quietly before sipping more wine. Fancypants' eyebrows raised as he checked his watch. Two minutes late, hopefully nopony would mind. "Thank you for reminding me so swiftly, your highness," Fancypants said sarcastically, and then started to make his way to the end of the hall, where the podium was. "My pleasure. Remember: there's a lot of ponies here. Respected ones such as myself and journalists, try not to choke up there." "I wouldn't give you the satisfaction," Fancypants concluded, and then picked up the pace. Honestly, the conversations with Blueblood were interesting, and sometimes enjoyable. They didn't despise one another completely, it was a friendly rivalry. He reached the edge of the stage and climbed it, rather than going around to the stairs. He made his way behind the podium and cleared his throat. Most of the ponies had noticed him, and were beginning to focus their attention on him. Once the majority was ready, either sitting on one of the glass tables or roaming the hall, he spoke up. "Good afternoon and welcome to mine, and Fleur-de-Lis', charity fundraiser! First off, I'd like to say a big thank you to everypony who has attended. I'm sure the zebras will be incredibly appreciative of all of the support you all are offering." A sharp, "Ha!" emitted from a certain white-coated unicorn at the wine table. "...Yes, and, furthermore..." Fancypants stopped, and once more, adjusted his monocle to the peculiar sight he was seeing. The cream coloured pillars supporting the structure seemed to shift and wobble in their place. Soon after, the other ponies began observing the strange occurrence. The several once-cylindrical beams then entirely disappeared in a flash of confetti and balloons, and were replaced by statues of a jumbled figure. The figure was a mess of parts: pony, goat, dragon and more. It's current colour was a dark grey, but it soon started to pulsate with a variety of multicoloured splotches. A few gasps and exclamations of "How unorthodox!" came from the audience. To that, the statues somehow replied. "Unorthodox? Oh, that's a new one! I've been called crazy, maniacal, unstable, demented, erratic, a lunatic..." The multiple statues continued listing the synonyms while the tables commenced to float in the air. The startled ponies jumped away from them, and began a worried conversation with each other, backing away. The lava lamps that once sat in the kitchen shelf were darting around the room, floating around the individual statues of the same creature. "...a screwball, psycho, beserk..." The voices took a pause, thinking. "Oh, and stupid. That one hurt. I mean, you can't be that unintelligent to be able to create wide-scale chaos, am I right? Meanwhile... "OH MY GOD, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" Octavia screamed, launching through the air on the cloud limousine without a driver. Spiralling downwards, the vehicle dove through countless clouds, various warning symbols lighting up all over the dashboard. "WHERE THE HAY IS DISCORD?!" Bon-Bon yelled, hugging Octavia in fear. The howling winds around them only amplified the terror. "It's okay, we got this!" Vinyl said, her and Lyra scooting up into the front seat to the drivers controls. "I, for one, choose death!" Octavia exclaimed, looking over the side of the car. It was much too far from the ground to survive. "Perfect!" "Too bad, Tavi, I locked the doors! I think..." Vinyl said, scanning over the buttons. Lyra grasped the steering wheel, trying to turn and lower the vehicle. "Y'know, this'd be much easier with hands, Bon-Bon!" "SHUT UP AND DRIVE!" Was the reaction from the back. The wheel seemed to be contributing little to their safe landing, they couldn't tell where they were, even out of range from the cotton candy clouds. "Mash buttons?" Vinyl suggested. "Mash buttons," Lyra confirmed, and they went about hitting every possible button in an attempted to do something. Leaving no lever un-pulled, no button un-pushed and no steering wheel left screwed in. "Guys, the wheel fell off..." Vinyl said calmly. The passenger seat erupted in another cacophony of screaming. "If you don't mind, and, pardon my impertinence, statue, might I ask what the hay is going on?" Fancypants inquired, ducking from the circling lava lamps. Like hawks, they dove in on helpless ponies, dripping the jelly-like insides over them. The statues' voices suddenly copied Fancypants' upper-class tone, "Well, my good gentlecolt, I am here on a mission of chaos. Discord, at your service. Well, my own service, really. Anyway, I am simply looking for two volunteers." "To do what, exactly?" "Oh, I'm not spoiling the fun just yet, give me some credit." "While I don't mean to be rude, I must ask that you leave then, as you are disrupting an important charity event, and I am certain none here wish to participate in your mission." "I guess we have a volunteer then, don't we?" The statue laughed and suddenly reformed back into a pillar. Out of it came the alive and kicking version of the statue. His red dragon tail knocked down one of the pillars with a gentle push, and when he tried to rest upon the other, it, too, fell. "Sorry about that, I guess I don't know my own strength." He flexed, and muscles the size spanning the height of the room emerged from his thin arms. Fancypants was about to protest once more, when the shattering crash above them drew all of their attention. The largest of the glass roof windows was decimated, and in it's place came forth a long cloud that hammered the ground, pulverising the wine table and near-flattening a terrified-looking Blueblood. The security ponies instantly put up a magical shield that blocked any glass from falling onto the ponies below, but were still too scared to directly interfere with Discord. On top of the vehicle-shaped cloud were four mares. Two of which were clinging to each other in the back, faces distraught. The other two could be seen, and heard, cheering at the front. A series of hoof-pumps later, they noticed the large amount of ponies watching them, and went silent. "Now before you get all mad at me," Discord started "I was going to come back for you guys," He said to the half-traumatised, half-ecstatic mares. "No thanks," Octavia said quickly, "I'll be leaving now, I've had enough life-threatening crazy situations for today." She tried to jump over the side of the limo, but an invisible magical barrier was holding her back. "Ah, ah, ah, not quite yet, my little pony. As I was saying to this fine gentlecolt..." Discord pointed back at Fancypants, still standing, confused, at the podium. "Only one more participant is needed and this will soon be all over. Don't you worry your pretty little bee-infested mane." With barely any time to say "What?!", Discord clicked his fingers and summoned a swarm of bees from out of Octavia's black mane. Octavia scrambled up and down the vehicle, spreading the bees everywhere in fear. The others were soon forced to frantically avoid her, clinging to the edges of the barrier. "Now, finally, while they're distracted, let's hurry up and get me a volunteer! Or... if we're not feeling up to it, I suppose I'll have to do it," Discord sighed, and began scanning the cowering crowd. "Hmm... nope... no... nah..." The clacking sounds of hooves against the polished floors caught Discord's attention, and he whirled on the perpetrator with an insane smile. Blueblood was backing away sheepishly, and was now frozen in place as Discord stared at him. "We have a new volunteer!" He shouted in joy, raising his arms in the air. Rainbows sprouted from his hands and cake suddenly dropped from the ceiling onto the rest of the high-class ponies in celebration. "Now was that really so hard?" Discord wondered. "That's all I came for, now I'll be on my way. Enjoy the rest of... whatever it is you're doing here." Discord raised a hand and prepared to click his fingers, but stopped. "Oh, yeah, I almost forgot, these lava lamps will self destruct... so have fun!" With a snap of his fingers, the six ponies were now aboard Discord's magical cloud limousine, flying easily with the breeze. The bees were gone, and they were all sitting appropriately in the back seats. The new arrivals, Fancypants and Blueblood, looked at the veterans, but could say nothing. It was down to Vinyl to break the ice. "That's a nice moustache. Tavi used to have one like tha-" Vinyl's insulting comments were interrupted by sounds of her strangulation, Octavia beating her head into the soft clouds as she choked the annoying mare. While the pair struggled on the floor of the limo, Fancypants just nodded to the other two, Lyra and Bon-Bon, unsure what to make of the situation. Blueblood choose to avoid everyone, instead looking down on the upcoming landmark. There was a behemothic sized red bowl erecting from the ground. On top of this bowl was six giant hamsters pushing around six massive hamster balls. The limo was going in to a descent, preparing to dock at said landmark. "Should I even ask?" Fancypants wondered as he took notice of the unique sight. "Probably best not to, no."