A/N: Please set "Formatting" to "Dark" before you continue reading. Thank you.
Well... this ought to be fun. Warning: may contain spoilers for various MLP Abridged/Parody Series.
Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, Dawn Somewhere, Sherclop Pones, wacarb, and Scootertrix Studios.
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The Moment No Pony was Waiting For
Season the Sixth
Sometimes, we just need a little filler to help us get through the day.
Hold on. Can we just take a moment? Before we get to the show that you were probably hoping to watch, I have an announcement. *Ahem.* Due to sickness shared by Side Battle hosts N and F, the staff at The Poetic Frozen Wasteland have called in temporary narrators - Oh! That's us - to take care of commentary roles. We, uh, apologize for their absence. But, we hope you can still enjoy the entertainment wrapped up in fantasy violence. Thank you. Let's, uh... get started!
Sorry...
N-No, it's okay. I already apologized for the both of us.
Oh... okay... I'm sorry. I didn't know.
So, uh... what do we do again?
Start the show with a catchy introduction and a common trait shared by the combatants in this match-up.
Oh, okay! I can do that. Let's see, um... Flying is really great! So is being blue!
Oh, I thought being blue was bad because it meant you were sad. If that's not true, then I'm sorry. I'm wrong.
Okay, now what?
Say the names of the combatants and at least one descriptor for each of them.
Right! On this side from some place called, uh... Fee-Wuh? ... is Rainbow Dash. Oh, cool! She's got the same name as me! I feel special!
And the other combatant is...?
I'm sorry. The other one is called The Bird... from Scootertrix. I'm sorry. I didn't say that quick enough.
You're fine, Mentally Advanced Series' Fluttershy.
Sorry for not noticing that I'm fine.
Wait, don't tell me! This is... the part where we say a cool letter to represent our names for the rest of the chapter. How about... LC? Yeah! I'll be LC.
That's two letters, Rainbow.
Sorry. I guess I'll stick with one just to make it a little more even. I'll be S... for "sorry".
...
What? Why is your monitor looking at me like that?
Aren't you going to say the part about weapons, armor, and skill?
But they don't carry any weapons or wear any armor. I guess we could just look at the skills and work from there.
If I had a face and a palm...
Wait, Rainbow? I mean... LC?
Yeah, S?
Don't you and our world's Pinkie Pie usually do random stuff together? Why couldn't you get her this time?
Oh, yeah. I tried asking her if she wanted to join me in being a talk show host, but...
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"How did you escape my oven, yes?"
"Because I got bored, waiting around in there."
"But I had it chained shut so you would finish baking!"
"Later, loser that looks kind of like Pinkie."
"Get back down here and become Pinkie Pie's hot meal!"
"Sorry, can't hear you! I'm going through a tunnel."
"That is just a bunch of clouds in the sky!"
"I said that I can't hear you. I'm in a tunnel, idiot! Ha, fooled her."
"You did no such thing, yes."
---
She mentioned cooking and then something like "you-have-pea" or something. She left before I could ask for more details.
Oh... I'm sorry that she couldn't stay with you.
That's okay. Let's just get started.
~~~Side Battle~~~
Rainbow Dash(?)
-From the series: Friendship is Witchcraft
-Element of crossed-out Honesty AKA red-penned Loyalty
-Likes: Rainbows and dashing
-Dislikes: Spike
-Says her name a lot, especially when it doesn't make sense
-Colorblind and nearsighted
-Assumes she's too smart for the system
-Sometimes forgets that she's even a pegasus that's capable of flying
Wow, that's a lot of neat stats! Actually, what are 'stats'? Aren't they short for 'statistics'? But there aren't any numbers here. How can you have 'statistics' if there aren't any numerical data? Come to think of it, doesn't that require going out and finding samples of fixed variables to uncontrolled variables? I'm pretty sure probability comes into that field somewhere. Then again, I kind of blanked out during a few of my Statistics classes, so I might just be remembering the details wrong.
I'm sorry. I don't know what we're doing.
Explain to the audience who this character is and what they bring to the table.
Okay, so... Rainbow Dash is somehow a witchcraft version of me. I'm not sure how that works. I mean, as far as I can tell, the only ones who have ever committed curses, hexes, and enchantments are the rest of her friends. There is an awful lot of blood being shed for their rendition of Lord Smooze.
Oh no... those poor raccoons... What kind of monster does that?
Ew... it looks like their Twilight likes killing off new characters and stealing fiancees. Gosh, all of her friends seem rather insane. Their Applejack says random farm tools, their Pinkie Pie doubles as an orphaned Gypsy, and their Fluttershy is a cult leader that sets up bonfires for a single rabbit. I'm starting to think Rainbow Dash lucked out by only being colorblind, nearsighted, and a victim of short-term memory loss.
"Ew, what are these weird things on my back?"
I'm sorry to whomever has to live in that place.
So, uh... what can she do in a battle? Well, she has mastered signature moves like the Rainbow Kick and the Rainbow Spin, but these are actually just regular kicks and turns that she named herself. A lot of anime characters seem to do that, but Friendship is Witchcraft isn't an anime. I'm not sure what good that really does her. I once tried naming a bunch of moves after some cool adjectives like Lightning Pass and Exploding Boom, but I kind of gave that up when I realized it wasn't increasing my power output at all.
It didn't work out for you? I'm sorry.
Still, she doesn't seem to slow down just because somebody tries to point out weaknesses that she could work on. She might even be more prideful than the Rainbow Dash from the canonical fourth generation show. When they sort of go backwards in the order of the first three episodes then skip ahead into the future with later episodes, I guess stunting character growth is a side effect that you risk.
"Well it is a tall thing."
~~~Side Battle~~~
The Bird
-From: Scootertrix the Abridged Series
-Element of Loyalty... eventually
-Has a tendency to lose train of thought very quickly at sea level/ground level
-Can fly very quickly
-Arch-nemesis: Derpy Hooves (or so the wall-eyed pegasus claims)
-Thinks much more clearly at high altitudes
-Supposedly a committer of deeds; she'll "never tell"
Coming from her version of Cloudsdale is somebody called The Bird. That's odd. She looks kind of like Rainbow Dash, Rainbow Dash, and me.
Wait LC, why did you say 'Rainbow Dash' twice?
No, I didn't. I said, 'Rainbow Dash' as in the one from the real show, 'Rainbow Dash' from Fee-Wuh, and me: the Rainbow Dash of MAS.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know what you meant.
It's okay, S. You're okay. Want to get some ice cream after this is over? Oh, but they're out of chocolate. All they've got left is vanilla.
Okay... Ice cream makes me feel better.
Cool. So, back to The Bird. Apparently, she's as fast a flier as any of the other versions of Rainbow Dash. Though, it seems she loses some of her ability to think clearly when she flies down toward the ground or sea level.
"Hello?"
"Hello."
"Yes, hi."
"Hello."
Also, she seems to have mistaken herself for an escaped criminal going undercover.
"What did you do?!"
"I'll never tell."
So, I guess her hindrance to maintain her train of thought is what's going to even her out with the memory loss of Fee-Wuh's Dash.
One time, Derpy claimed herself to be Dash's arch-nemesis. But since these battles don't usually allow for outside help or handicaps, I don't think that will have an effect on how things go. I'm sorry.
So... is that it? Did we do good?
That was... satisfactory.
Awesome!
"I want to talk about... The Snack."
~~~Side Battle~~~
'kay. I guess they're all set to go. Let's see who wins!
I'm sorry in advance to whoever loses.
~~~Side Battle~~~
Some faded outlines shine around pony-shapes after the gates open. Some electric synth starts out with a slow beat before picking up into a much more rapid rhythm. More outlined shapes pop up and walk in from the opposite direction. Words zip by like those from some opening credits.
Celestia
Luna
Pinkie Pie
The Bird
Guest Star: Rainbow Dash
...
Um... right, then. Three alternating notes sound dramatic on a visual of Canterlot Castle. A tall, magenta window depicts the union of Shining Armor, Cadance, and the Crystal Empire that they rule. Standing at its base, Celestia is snickering to herself as Luna approaches.
"Oh, crud." Luna shakes her head as she takes her standing spot. "What is it this time?"
"I've done it!" Celestia opens her wings with confidence. "Finally! I've located the dimension from which the invading spies came from!"
"Didn't you say that when you discovered the universe where my pen-pal Luna is from?" Luna tilts her head. "We don't want to make that mistake again."
"Pfft, nonsense!" denies Celestia, staring at the window with intensity. "I'm absolutely certain about it this time. It will totally be different. I'll send over someone so insanely brilliant, that we'll have all the intel before they can realize what we're up to. Guess who I'm sending, Luna."
Luna rolls her eyes, or at least the one that the audience can see from this angle. "Our Elements of Generosity, Kindness, and Loyalty."
"And that's where you're wrong!" Celestia stomps a hoof and smirks. "Oh, silly little sister. I'm not going to do the same three-of-a-kind trick that we wasted on the so-called 'Adult' universe. This... shall be completely different! This time, we'll only need... the one."
"Only one?" Luna puts a hoof against her face. "Celestia, do you not remember what trying to use only one Element bearer did a thousand years ago?"
"That was to match prophecy and you know it!" counters Celestia.
"Well... who is it?" Luna holds a hoof to the side.
"Here's a hint: Have you ever heard the word?"
Luna blinks. "What word?"
---
Meanwhile, thousands of light-years away...
"My faithful student-"
"Princess of the Night: Twilight Sparkle the future alicorn here!" This universe's lavender unicorn rapidly blinks her eyes while smiling innocently.
"Ugh." Celestia facehoofs. "What was my sister thinking when she traded her title like that?" She shakes her head. "Anyway, there's been a disturbance of energy coming over in the Everfree Forest. I need you to go find out what's going on so that-"
"Hey, Rainbow Dash!" Twilight waves. "Go take care of that trivial task while Celestia bends her tail and hoof for me."
The Element of Honesty Loyalty flies away after saying, "Rainbow Take-Off!"
Celestia raises a hoof. "But, that's not quite what I meant-"
"Of course you can have my children, Celestia." Twilight smiles sweetly while levitating a bloody knife.
...
"I've made a terrible mistake." Celestia takes several steps back.
---
Meanwhile, at the... other place...
A certain pegasus looks around at the trees and wildlife. "Hmm... I'm not sure I actually changed worlds. This forest looks just like the one at home."
"Rainbow Gasp!"
"Hmm?" The first pegasus turns around. "Huh. That's weird. You look like me."
"Ha! You can't fool me!" The newcomer points. "You don't look anything like me. You're a blob of colors while I'm a pony."
Both of them hover in the air, doing nothing else for a few seconds.
...
"Hello?"
"Hello."
The next pause is as awkward as the first.
...
"What are you Rainbowing here any Dash?" This pony crosses her front hooves.
"I'll never tell." She holds her aerial stance.
"That sounds like an un-Rainbow kind of thing to say." She points a hoof. "I ought to Dash you some Rainbows."
"FIGHT!"
"Rainbow Dash!" Is this pony shouting her name as she flies forward? It's hard to say. "Rainbow Spin!"
FiW's Dash flies around and around, creating a tornado composed of seven colors. She flies out and around the circumference of her windstorm. She gives herself a pat on the back. But she yelps a surprised "Dash" when the tornado shrinks down. The Bird flies around and around in the opposite direction. The first tornado eventually blows away as a gentle breeze.
"What the Dash did you do?"
The Bird looks deadpanned. "I'll never tell."
Suddenly, Rainbow straps on somebody else's black belt around her wings. She lands on a tree, then catapults off. She lifts her hind leg in the direction of her Rainbow enemy.
"Rainbow Kick!"
As her opponent waits around, the camera zooms out to watch Rainbow soar way off to the side. Rainbow lands in the canopy of another tree and bumps against a few branches. Coincidentally, a twig snaps off and cuts her belt, freeing her wings in the process. She shakes herself free and flies up to about the same elevation as The Bird.
"So, you think you're hot stuff, huh?" She puts her hooves against either of her own sides.
"No, the temperature's just fine." The Bird smiles gently. "But thanks for the concern."
"Oh, a smart-Dash." Rainbow lifts her brow. "I respect that."
"I wasn't joking. This is actually the most comfortable temperature I've felt in a while."
...
"Rainbow Climb!" Rainbow flies straight up as quickly as possible.
The Bird looks up, then flies up too. "Do all of her moves start with Rainbow?" You can almost hear the gears in her head start to turn and clear away some dust from her skull.
Rainbow clears the cloud line and laughs. "Yeah! This is so much more Rainbow."
After a second or two, The Bird flies up with a rather bored look on her face.
"Ready to taste the Pain-Bow?" Rainbow bonks her front hooves together.
When the camera flips back to The Bird's last position, it seems she is no longer there.
"Huh? Where'd you Dash off to?" Rainbow wildly looks left and right.
A ROY-G-BIV streak slams against Rainbow from the left. Another one hits her from the right. After that, some more ziplines of the same color spectrum slam against that pegasus from all over the place. She squints and tries punching the air around her, but she can't see anything but blurred dots and lines.
After a few more streaks pass by, an X-Ray camera shows the bones inside Rainbow's wings cracking and collapsing on themselves.
"Augh! What the Rainbow just happened?!" She falls down around the cloud line.
"I just remembered where the pressure points are in pegasi wings." The Bird appears in a streak and then crosses her front hooves.
"Since when do I have wings?" calls out Rainbow. There's a crashing sound and she leaves a large imprint in the ground. "Rain...bow... Blarf." She ceases to move.
"Well... I'm not sure what I just did, but I think that's good enough to call it 'Mission Accomplished'." She turns around and flies away. "Time to head home."
"K.O.!"
~~~Side Battle~~~
Wow! She really did a number on that Witchcraft pony.
Ah! I'm sorry! Please don't beat me up!
Huh? Why would I do that? I don't want to hurt anybody.
Wait... Pinkie Pie? Your voice sounds... different.
Oh yeah! I'm the Pinkie from the Scootertrix series. I'm a little more relaxed than some of the other Pinkie Pies.
Oh. So, um... what are you doing here?
I wanted to go find The Bird to give her some backup on her mission. But I seem to have made a wrong turn somewhere. Then again, it looks like she's doing just fine on her own.
Yeah, I mean... she beat up Fee-Wuh's Rainbow Dash really good. They looked kind of matched up as far as how fast they could go and how smart they both were, but as soon as they get a little higher... Bam! The Bird can really spring into action. To add insult to injury, Rainbow literally could not see what was happening to her.
So... just to be perfectly clear, nobody's going to beat me up now. Right? I'm sorry, I just can't be too careful.
Yeah! You wouldn't believe how many good ideas The Bird comes up with when she's in the sky on her home turf. Although, the altitude kind of gives our Fluttershy an annoying personality. Maybe it's just a pegasus thing in our series.
I guess. I mean, it's not like S and I get any cool brain or personality perks when we're in Cloudsdale. I still feel kind of lazy except for opportunities to fly with the Wonderbolts, so... yeah.
Anyway, I should go. There are a bunch more holes that I've gotta go patch up in the Fourth after The Bird gets home. See you!
The Scootertrix Pinkie Pie hops off screen and is never seen on this show again.
Um... I'm sorry, LC. I didn't know what to do.
It's okay. Here. I picked up a couple ice cream bars to share.
Oh. ... Thank you.
And the winner is...?
Huh? Oh, right! The Bird totally wins that battle. Thanks for watching with us, everybody. See you later. I'm sure N and F will be better by the time Side Battle comes around again.
~~~Side Battle~~~
Next time on Death Battle...
Clearing a 19-foot gap in a single bound, he can roll with the punches.
But will his luck run out in an author's next book?
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