//------------------------------//
// Not The Doctor, So Why All The Time Stuff?! 
// Story: I'm Not A God! 
// by jwizard 
//------------------------------//

Waking up from my trip, I shook my head, still groggy. One of my ears twitched at the birdsong.

Yes, twitched.

All of a sudden, I jumped to my hooves in fright. I was back home on Earth.

As a pony.

As an alicorn pony.

After ten minutes of freaking out worthy of Twilight Sparkle, I sat on my haunches and tried to calm down. To do that, I started looking around the storage room.

To my shock, I found that was first appeared to be junk was in fact pony style furniture. All of it had the appearance of age.

None of it was anything I recognized. I had the feeling though, that it was all gifts.

Or, more accurately, payment.

Heaving a big sigh, I started to rearrange things in the hopes of figuring out just what the hell was going on.

Now, at this point, you’re probably thinking that I was handling my pony form far too easily.

You’d be right. Once I was certain night had fallen, I trotted out to the top of the patio and SCREAMED at the moon.

For twenty minutes.

Male alicorns have really strong lungs.

Then I went back to cataloguing my possessions.

*takes a drink of sweet black Equestrian tea*

Anyway, after about a couple of hours of this, I started to get really hungry. So I made my way to my kitchen to get a couple of carrots and an apple.

*a snicker is heard*

Got you!

What I really did is made myself a PBJ and a glass of milk. I only ever ate rabbit food- carrots, lettuce, and the like -while in Equestria.

Here on Earth, my taste buds run more towards those non-animal foods that a primarily carnivorous human eats when not eating meat.

Even as a pony.

After eating, I curled up on the couch and fell asleep.

Screaming at the moon is really exhausting; I have no idea how wolves can do so all night.





Before I go any further, I’d like to clear up a few things.

First of all, getting sucked through a portal and turning into a pony Just. Plain. Sucks. Donkey. Shit.

As much as I- as a closet brony -loved the idea of visiting the world of the show, the real thing was vastly different.

To sum it up, what a lot of fan fic authors have said is true; every episode of MLP: FiM is only a year's’ worth of events.

As seen through a pin-hole.

See, the Muses that let us mere mortals see into other realities like to play fast and loose with the details. One of which was the fact that it takes two days worth of travel to get to the Castle of The Two Sisters.

Or did until the Everfree was finally cleared of Nyx’s spawn.

Before you get mad, not the Nyx of the fics.

No, this one is Eris’ mother.

THAT Nyx.

That’s right folks; the Greek Gods are the real deal.

That’s stuff for another tale though.

The other thing I should mention is this:

I AM NOT ONE OF THEM!

Sorry,

I’ll have to explain after I finish my first experience.





The ringing of the doorbell woke me up. I got up groggily, stretching out my arms.

Man, what a weird dream.

I walked to the front door and opened it, thinking it was the work crew.

I was right.

The next couple of days were pretty tame. That is, until I found my way into the storage room.

And found the horn rings and horseshoes.

Oh shit; that really happened; I was really in Equestria.

As every other bronies’ secret desire.

Not mine; if I use my own power- which I’ve done -to go to Equestria, I’m always a proper, practical earth pony.

With a Cutie Mark of a smartphone smashing a rock.

Don’t ask.

Anyway, I took the bag up to my room to get a better look. I’d given the workers the weekends off to be with their families; they all live in the fishing village to the west of my mansion.

I sat there, looking at one of the rings. As I did so, I started thinking about Star Swirl.

Getting up from my bed, I walked over to my bookshelf and took down a brand-new copy of one of my favorite books.

It’s a fictional book containing all sorts of useful spells. Or at least, it was until I moved into this house. I had drawn a repair glyph onto a broken lamp the day before.

It worked.

I placed the book into the saddle bags and walked to the ground floor patio.

As I suspected, the doorway led into Equestria.

Yep, you guessed it.

Down the Rabbit Hole once more.





I came to at a familiar temple. This time though, I noticed that things were quite a bit different.

For one thing, there weren’t any drinking troughs in the front court.

For another, a small blue unicorn colt was sitting at a statue with his hooves clasped.

A statue of Epona.

Now, before I go on, I should explain more of my background.

Even though I look like a linebacker- and I was one in high school -I’m actually a world-class nerd.

I have read and studied on virtually every ancient myth and religion Earth has. As a result, I’m able to recognize ones that most wouldn’t.

So seeing a statue of Epona alone was a bit of a shock. Especially since she has no connection to Greece, being that she was primarily Celtic.

My ears perked up as the colt started to speak.

“Great Goddess, please, send help. I need my Talent to help my family.” The colt swallowed; I could hear his tears in his voice as he continued praying. “If you cannot come yourself, then send your Keeper. I can pay.”

I had enough; no kid needed to be that sad that young. I got up and trotted quietly over to the colt. He turned his head and stared at me. Though by this point I was pretty sure who the colt was, I decided to ask. “What’s your name little colt?”

“S-Star S-Swirl, sir,” he stammered. “Did Epona send you?”

I shrugged my wing shoulders. “I have no clue; my house is just special. But I think I was supposed to be here.” I levitated the magic primer out of my bag and handed it to him, He took it with wide eyes and used his hooves to open it.

“Wow! A real grimoire!” He turned to the small satchel next to him and handed me a large sapphire.

Though the stone was uncut, it still shone with a mesmerising sparkle. I lifted it with my magic and placed it next to its twin. “Well, I’ll be off,” I said. “I think the priest needs something too.”

I trotted away, but not before the colt glomped me.

Seriously, what’s with pony foals and glomping?





This time, I was in Equestria for two weeks. Every time I came back to the temple, the archway led to a different part of the house; most of them looked far different than what I knew.

Each time I found somepony that needed something, I found a possession of mine with little value that meant more to them than anything else. In return, I got objects- and glomps from foals, filly and colt -that I recognized.

Some of it was really modern-looking furniture.

At the end of the two weeks, I realized that I had been given everything that filled that first storage room, and several more.

The last time I trotted through the arch, I found myself back in my room.

Barely five minutes had passed.

I groaned, as I saw that my replica Screwdriver was on my bed instead of in its storage box.

Timey-wimey shit.

Great, just great.





So, you wanna know if it always happened that way?

The answer is both yes and no.

I didn’t notice it at the time, but the magic of this house- and the one that controls it -works in ordered stages.

All this meant that I had to visit Equestria to establish my legend alongside of Epona’s. Much to my chagrin, I was called the God of Need.

Then and now; as much as I try to refute it. I”m just the help.

I still get pulled to Equestria when the need is great. Most often though, ponies usually find their way to me.

Or to others on the island, as the villagers are now a part of it as well.

I think the house’s magic extends to anything I own, as I’ve been pulled- or met ponies -while on business in the States.

Only those that are open to magic can see them though. That’s not limited to just kids like you’d think.

Anyway, that’s how things started. And though I was really annoyed about it at first, I’ve since changed.

It’s amazing what having ten lovely and loving mares as friends can do for you.

Hey, what do you expect?! Over there, I’m as much of a horse as they are! And sometimes, the help they need is the comfort of a strong stallion.

When that happens though, the house usually provides a ring for my horn that prevents pregnancy.

Usually; I do have one pony son that I helped raise, as well as a fair number of pony daughters.

That’s not part of this tale though.