//------------------------------// // Part 5: Spike // Story: Which Pony Shall I Be Today? // by deadpansnarker //------------------------------// "Whee!!" I slid down the exponentially long banister at breakneck speed, my greasy scales really helping me out with traction. It's now been nearly an hour since I infiltrated this palace under the guise of the Princess's lowly servant, and I've had quite the experience, let me tell you. Wanna know what I've got up to? Here, I've made a list. Enjoy. *I found three bedrooms upstairs, two of which that obviously belong to ponies, judging by the loose horsehair littered all over the mattresses. I'm sure a heap of straw in the corner would have suited them both just fine, if they weren't so uppity. *One had an indecipherable equals = sign poster on the wall. Not exactly Nirvana or Green Day, but whatever takes your fancy. Unfortunately, while 'admiring' it, I happened to develop somewhat of an irritable nose, and I sneezed... accidentally reducing the highly flammable sheet to ashes, also immolating a bunch of letters nearby from an individual who's name I could just partially make out as Sunb- through the mostly scorched paper. SUNBUTT?! Now, these names are just getting ridiculous... *I laughed so hard at this point, I accidentally set the whole room alight. Oops, maybe this whole 'fire breathing' jizz was more difficult to control than I thought. I spent the next ten minutes searching in vain for a fire alarm, or a phone from which I could dial 999 (or 911, to our Yankee cousins) on. Failing to locate either, I decided to cut the tenant's losses for them and just shut the door, to let it burn, baby burn. After all, there's more chambers in this castle than M&M colou... Oh wait, I've used that line already. Fine, let's just go with 'Skittles', then. *Next room up, I was determined to be more careful, so I covered my nostrils with two sets of claws before venturing forth. This place looked like an egghead's wet dream, as there were complicated graphs and charts everywhere, as well as the biggest chemistry set I'd ever seen. The occupant obviously didn't get out very much, poor thing. What stood out most though, was a giant autographed pic of a mutant white pony with a horn AND wings (what a freak, lol) with cursive handwriting that said: 'Thank you for being Equestria's greatest champion, Twilight Sparkle. Always yours, Celestia.' Ugh, if you ask me, this 'Twilight Sparkle' character got stiffed. If I'd saved the world, at the very least I would expect an open-top bus ride, while being showered with money, champagne and naked ladies. It was as I returned the pretentious image to it's frame in disgust though, that I spotted something far more interesting. * "Hi, I'm Gandalf The Grey. Yes, I may be as short as Frodo and have slit eyes with a tail, but it really is me, honest. Now, go and find the One True Ring before I smite ye with the back of my hardwood staff. Also, bring me a cup of tea while ye is at it. HA HA HA!" I spotted this amazing wizard costume hanging out of a drawer, and I simply had to try it on. I actually don't mind cosplaying... as long as I don't have to do it in a convention. Don't want people getting me mixed-up with the rest of the oddballs and weirdos now, do I? Sadly, at that precise moment, the Curse Of The Sensitive Nose struck once more. The beard tickled my snout, I gave out rather a loud pronounced ATCHOO... and I think you can guess what happened next, in a room full of papery goodies and explosive chemicals... Disco inferno, indeed. Two rooms down, only about a hundred more to go before this structure can be condemned in peace. Smooth Spikey baby, real smooth. * I also stumbled upon the sleeping quarters of the little dude who's body I now forcibly inhabited. I know this because his bed was the only one the size of a puppy's basket, but with comic books scattered all around instead of dog biscuits. Not much to say here, aside from the fact that as I was admiring his not-so-secret stash of gems, wondering if I could get away with perhaps keeping a few for myself, I may still have been harbouring some fluff from that synthetic facial hair earlier under my nose, and I may have unintentionally ignited an artfully shot picture of a unicorn, which may have further escalated to an image of a sexy blue dragoness, before spreading to the comic books... but without witnesses, you can't prove anything. *You won't believe what happened when I found the library, tried to blow off the dust on a few mystical tomes that could have helped me return to my home planet, and I ended up... yep, you guessed it. It was like World War II again, with all the burning books in there. Little history lesson for you, kids. *On the flip side though, I might have actually done the Princess a favour. She obviously spent too much time indoors reading, and I've given her the excuse now to get over her social anxiety by meeting more ponies! So, if you look at it from that perspective, I've done her a great service! Not that I'll receive any thanks for it, though. I'm so underappreciated. *Finally, there was a minor incident in a massive room, which had a large table inside with the weirdest looking eight-pointed star I've ever seen, emblazoned on the wood. I went in for a closer look, and saw six chairs (actually they were more like thrones) seated around the central area, each one with a crappily drawn symbol on their headboards, like those so-called Cutie Marks TM. Seriously, this 'show' needs to hire better artists. *It's as I was reclining in the seventh, smallest seat I'd missed the first time round (the only one that would fit my tiny tush) that it happened. The cutest little blue bug with gorgeous green eyes flew onto my elbow, and I couldn't help but try and pet it. This world has much more adorable insects than Earth, I'll give it that. You should see some of the cockroaches that my cockmuncher of a landlord refuses to remove from my apartment. Bastard. Back to the present, the fly then took the decision to dodge my outstretched claw, and land directly onto my nose... and one smouldering table later, I decided it was safer for this budding arsonist to just stick to sliding down banisters, and waxing floors. The latter, if I had enough time. Oops, I spent so long telling you about my day so far, I didn't notice the return of my 'mistress'. There she is, looking rather nondescript at the foot of the stairs, waiting to catch me. How lovely, I expect she wants to give me a nice, long hug. "Spike..." Twilight grunts, once I'm firmly ensconced in her hooves. I recognise her freaky hybrid self from some portraits in the gallery... what a narcissistic mare! It doesn't help either, that lavender is my least favourite colour. One of my ex's used to wear it a lot, the one who got mad just because I got caught in bed with her best mate. Sheesh, had she never heard of sharing? I told her she could have slept with my best mate Bennie The Beer Gut... but she wasn't interested. What else was I supposed to do?! Back to the present. Again. (Sorry, this story has more flashbacks than Family Guy) "Twilight... " I smile contentedly in her embrace, almost feeling like a baby again. But those days are long behind me, thank goodness. "Glad to see ya darl. Listen, I don't suppose you have a cold remedy handy... I mean, hoofy do ya?" "I'll have to check up on that, Spike..." she said, in a deadly monotone voice. "But first, would you mind answering a few questions for me yourself?" "Fire away, toots! I'm here all week..." I said, trying to relieve the tension with a slight wink. "What can I do you for?" "Well, it's funny you should mention 'fire', because I just returned from a major one myself..." Twilight's tone sounded as deadpan as ever. "Apple Bloom knocked a log of wood out of the fire while escaping the family's struggle with the 'changeling', and even though everypony and Winona managed to get out in time, the entire farm has now been burnt to the ground. Apple Family members across Equestria are journeying to help them rebuild it, but what is lost forever is the memories and love associated with that building, as it's been a part of the local community for generations. I-I haven't felt this bad since Tirek torched Golden Oaks..." "Well, that is a shame..." I hid my grin well, I thought. It couldn't have happened to a nicer bunch of rednecks. "So, what about Apple Bloom, eh? Did she get the strap, birch, or worse...?" "Huh? I don't know what you mean..." Twilight glanced at me in confusion, (a similar expression almost everypony I came across greets me with these days) before continuing her story. "If you must know, Apple Bloom is currently being investigated for signs of insanity at the hospital, and her family are there too. Later on, they'll relocate to one of their cousins, until such time as their farm is habitable again. Maybe in a few months, or so..." "That was so nice of them, princess..." I remarked, blatantly feigning my admiration for the goody-four-horseshoes in front of me. "But what about Applejack being Queen Chrysalis?" "Well, that turned out to be a shaggy yak story..." Twilight sighed, while rolling her eyes. "You see, changelings don't relieve themselves, being as their diet is primarily love. After extensive testing and retesting of Applejack's fecal matter, I came to the inescapable conclusion it was derivative of nothing but apples, thus rendering her alleged alternate identity impossible. Sadly, by the time I relayed this vital information to her family, she'd already broken a lot of bones due to the administrations of her brother and surprisingly strong grandmother. They didn't believe her when she told them she was the 'real' Applejack, and gave her quite the beating. After discovering the truth, Granny Smith has also had to be hospitalised due to suffering a major stroke because of guilt, while Big Mac is being treated for depression because he just found out the love of his life has dumped him forever. It's a mess, I tell you Spike... " "Y-yeah, sometimes you just don't know how lucky you are..." I gulped, feeling a little responsible all of a sudden for that proud family's woes. It's true that I didn't care much for them, but even I didn't mean to carry our feud that far. To take my mind off of things, I decided to bring up the long-delayed subject of a possible portal back to Earth... Twilight hadn't quite finished yet, though. "... Are we lucky, Spike? Do you feel lucky, right now?" "Huh?" I had no idea what she was getting at, and I shrugged my shoulders in ignorance. "Sure, I guess so. Why?" "Because, my dear Spike..." This was where Twilight's quiet, considered demeanor began to diminish rapidly, as her real volcanic temperament took hold. "We just so happen to be standing in the middle of a burning castle right now. You can see the smoke fumes from all the way across town. I've just returned from one scene of blistering destruction, to another. Care to tell me what went on while I was away, and what the scale of the damage is?" As I found myself being gripped harder, I happened to take a sneaky peek through the steamed-up glass at the growing crowd outside. Four specific individuals stood out... A costumed blue pegasus leading a squadron of similarly attired winged ponies, flying backwards and forwards throwing buckets of water in a futile attempt to put out the blaze... A petrified-looking yellow pegasus with her hooves on her mouth saying "Oh, my." a lot rather uselessly... A fainting white unicorn, the same one as on the picture in Spike's now incinerated room, laid out half-unconscious on a very random couch... and finally the most miserable pony I've ever seen, a pink pony with her mane down around her eyes and a distraught expression on her sad, sad face. Geez, lighten up, dear. Things aren't that bad. How she got that jolly balloon 'Cutie Mark' I'll never know. Trying to put a positive spin on things, I decided to try and cheer the Princess up again. "Oh, come on Twilight. Let's turn that frown upside down!. You can redecorate afterwards, and it'll be as good as new! I bet I helped you with your hoarding problem, as well. Nothing of value got destroyed, apart from an equal signs poster and some old letters..." "Starlight Glimmer's precious mementos, including all her correspondence from Sunburst! She'll never trust either of us ever again, and will probably go back to doing evil deeds by this time tomorrow. All that progress with her... ruined." "Er, okay... bad example. Alright then, how about a load of useless bits of paper hanging on the wall, a boring old chemistry set and a fancy dress costume which is way too big for you anyway..." "M-My seven-year long research project to eradicate all known and unknown diseases in Equestria! I was so close, too... just one calculation away! A-And I'll have you know, that outfit was my favourite Nightmare Moon costume, of my idol, Starswirl The Bearded! A-and it was a perfect fit... I haven't gained any weight... have I?" "W-Well, nopony could call you a heifer, that's for sure. Okay, what about all those musty old books? Saved you a trip to the charity shop with those, didn't I?" "M-My entire library... gone! A-After I spent so long replenishing it. S-Surely it can't get any worse than this? " "Oops, I had no idea they meant so much to you. Well, surely you can't have valued that rotten table in the central hall. If I were you, I'd have sacked the carpenter. I've seen better furniture in the local home for old fogies..." "What?!" Now this was the point where Twilight Sparkle really went Full Retard. She dumped me on the floor, and started flitting round the room like a trapped bat, banging her head against the wall while emitting strange choked neighing noises. Uh oh, looks like another candidate for the loony bin. How I have this kind of mentally destabilising effect on people/ponies I don't know. "What will Celestia-gibber-do-gabber-when she finds out-gabber-that the map room is-gibber- no more?!" My God, she really has fallen off the deep end. For all you history buffs out there, this is just like what happened with mad King George. "Forget magic kindergarten... I'll be lucky not to be sent to Tartarus afterwards! What am I supposed to do now?!" "W-well, it's not all bad..." I attempted to calm her down, as sweat poured down my brow, and not just because of the intense heat that was starting to filter into the room.. "Wait... what?! How is it 'not all bad' Spike? Please enlighten me, because I really want to know..." Twilight seemed uncommonly hostile for some reason as she cornered me, and her breath stunk. Haven't these ponies heard of Aquafresh? "Well, I managed to save this..." I showed her the ruby I'd stolen from the dragon's stash, which I was going to use as a deposit towards a Nintendo Switch, when I got back to where I once belonged. "You can have it, to help pay for any repairs you need done as an indirect result of my shenanigans..." "You're... giving this... to me... to help pay... for any repairs?!" Twilight quietened down for a minute, as a strange mauve light began shining in her eyes. "Yes, you don't have to thank me. It's the least I could do." I said with a hint of self-indulgence. It was a pretty generous offer, I thought smugly. But rather than reward me with a much-deserved pat on the back, or a "Well done, Spikey, have a raise," All I got in return for my hard-fought efforts was a giant AARRGGHH, and the Princess flying like a juggernaut out of the room to smash through the more-fragile-than-it-seemed crystal wall, knocking me over sideways in the process and showering me with sharp fragments. "Huh, well that's gratitude..." I picked myself up, shaking my head in disapproval at her uncouth behaviour. "And most impolite. Well, that's the royal family for you, I suppose. So full of themselves, they just don't understand the working man... or dragon, for that matter. I was just about to pick myself up to continue my quest to find a way off this human-forsaken world, when suddenly this burning wreck got another couple of unexpected guests. A white unicorn male came trotting into view, accompanied by a flying pink equine, who also had a horn and wings like the fruitcake who'd just escaped by self-demolishing part of her own castle. Ugh... I gotta find out what those creatures are called. It's starting to annoy me. "Hi, Spike..." The stallion gasped, as if he'd running for a while. He appeared to be wearing some kind of soldier's uniform. Great, just what we need around here, a dumb army guy. "Is my sis okay? Me and Cadence came as soon as we heard about the fire... Is there anything we can do?" "Sure, sure. Just go outside through the impression Twilight left in the wall, and follow the trail of bitterness. She's having another one of her little tantrums. Honestly, I don't know what to do with her sometimes..." I replied, guessing who he was referring to. I just didn't care at that stage... I just wanted to get out of this ill-fated domicile. "It's a good job it's Twi's turn to watch Flurry Heart this month..." Cadence responded, sweetly. She was actually kind of attractive... as far as mares go. I bet she'd sell a million plushies, too."...Or we would've been miles away. Spike, do you mind holding her for a minute, while I go and talk to Twilight, and Shining Armour heads upstairs to see what's what? I think it's about time for a certain's foal's nap, anyway..." Before I could even say "No way, jose." I found the bundle dumped into my lap, while each parent went on their respective missions. Great, now I'll have to linger here a bit longer... there's no way I'm taking a baby with me on my travels. I've always used protection, to avoid this kind of outcome. So thanks, but no thanks. In between all the charred ruins, burning rubble and prolonged screams of agony though, I found myself feeling unusually sorry for the little tyke. "Fancy growing up in a world as crazy as this, eh? Poor blighter doesn't stand a chance..." I instinctively took a nibble of the jewel I still clutched (what, you mean dragons eat gems here? Well, there goes my super new console...) and decided to take a sneak peek at what I was temporarily caring for. Hopefully, it'll resemble it's pretty mother, and less it's stolid father. UGH! It was much more hideous than both. A pasty-pink, big-eyed, gurgling monstrosity with wings and a horn, it blew spit bubbles at me as I viewed it with contempt. I care not much for babies or kids, but even compared to my usual low standards, this thing was a true abomination. With utter revulsion, I went to pull the sheet back over the creature, thus preserving my vision of this horrible sight... And that's when 'it' happened again... At the worst possible moment. Suddenly, I found myself in a full nappy, a cute outfit and absolutely brimming with magical ability... While a massive dragon-shaped head towered over me, somewhat befuddled. "Huh? Why's Flurry Heart here? Why isn't the floor waxed yet? And why do I smell smoke? Oh no, my comic books... and specially commissioned artwork..." But that's all I heard, as the lady had said earlier 'it was almost time for my nap'. I fell into a deep, dark sleep, and even the chaos and devastation being wrought around me couldn't stir me from it. Nighty night everypony. zzzzzzz....