Chapter 7[title:Perpetual optimism]
“I hate my… I hate Screw’s… I hate this mind, it’s so fucking… I’ve been depressed and miserable all my life, but this is like… Like being in prison,” I snarl, holding my head tight with these stupid hooves.
George looks sympathetic, and is writing down something on her, I mean his clipboard. I bothered to ask what gender he preferred since I’m not an asshole. At least, not right now.
“So right now you are Faith, instead of Screw?” he asks, a bit confused.
“No, I’m still… I’m letting my anger out, letting myself talk because there’s this fighting inside of me, this war between exploding and collapsing, and it’s exhausting, Doc. It’s fucking terrible. I don’t want to live like this. Isn’t there a way to separate us? To give us our own lives again?”
His sad look tells me all I need to know, and I look away.
“Fucking ponies. Fucking magic. Fucking… Why is hurting people so easy? Why is making the world a bad place, making ponies scared and panicked, why is it all so damn easy? When doing good, it’s supposed to be our goal in life, right?!”
I’m pleading, and he looks so damn sympathetic. Am I just parroting some psych class? “Today we’re going to talk about how unfair the world is and wah wah, I’m a baby because I can’t deal with how unfair it all is.” I sound pathetic. I sound so stupid. If I had a horn I’d choke George to death right now so noone could remember the stupid crap I’d said.
“I think you’re asking the right questions, and you’re right. It’s not right. We have to survive in a world that seems so hostile, when we are told again and again that we are all supposed to be good and help eachother, but it just doesn’t feel like anyone is listening to that motto.”
I look at him in a little awe. That’s the first thing he’s said that has made sense. I relax a little into my chair and sigh, before looking back down at my hooves.
“You know what’s really stupid?”
He waits, happy to hear what I have to say, which is so creepy.
“I just really want to like… Just eat some pizza and watch some TV. You know? I want to not think for a while. I’m a fucking pony, and I’ve got a human in my head, and I’m as messed up as I can be, and I just want to bark and act like a dog a bit and eat pizza and watch TV. I just want to stop talking, stop having to think, and tune it all out.”
He nods. Even more creepy.
“I think it might be very healthy for you to be allowed to zone out, relax. I really do. I’m going to see if I can get you a private area where watching TV, eating pizza, and acting however you want are completely okay.”
I wait for him to tell me he’s joking or something, my heart is almost racing, but he just nods firmly and writes down a few things.
“I think that ends our session for today, and I’ll get on this to try and make it all happen as soon as possible.”
He gets up and leaves and I just sit here. Dumbstruck. That’s not what is supposed to happen.
/chapter 7