The next day, it was two before I dragged my body, wrought with stiffness and headaches, from under the waning comfort of the sheets. I wasn't hungry, yet nitari burned in my chest, sending chills into my phantom horn as my body screamed to replenish my reserves. Opening the icebox, I pulled out an apple and took a bite from it, but sat it aside afterwards, slouching down in a kitchen chair and resting my head on the table.
Please just make it stop.
I sat like that for some time until I slowly stood and shambled outside to check the mail. There was only one letter, and it was from Silver Lining.
I tore the letter in half and shredded the pieces over a storm drain. Storming back inside, I climbed up the stairs and flopped down at my writing desk, pulling out a pen and some paper.
Silver Lining
I just received your letter, and I wanted you to know that I shredded it without so much as bothering myself to look at its contents. I don't care what you have to say, I don't care if you're sorry.
Look at my penmanship: see how messy it is, how I can't even stay within the lines. I've had to relearn how to write just as I have had to relearn everything else because of you. I struggle with the simplest of things, and I don't know what's worse: that I am in constant, unbearable pain, or that I am functionally blind and paralyzed
I hope you are happy with what you've done to me, because I sure am miserable.
You've done enough.
GET OUT OF MY LIFE!
Castor Star
Haphazardly cramming the letter into an envelope, I sealed and addressed it to Silver Lining and placed it in a mail pickup box at the corner of the block.
Later that day, as the sun was falling from mid into late afternoon, my friends, Ivy, Cloud Mason, Sugarsilk, Cloverberry, and Dante, were walking together with me down a old cobblestone pathway running through a park. The wind carried the whispers of summer on its breath, telling of the warm, life filled days ahead.
The sun shone warmly in the cool air, warming our bodies as we walked along the path to a less beaten trail leading off into the mountainside. My friends laughed and bantered amongst themselves, while I, feeling distant, only occasionally added a phrase or two into the mix. Dante laughed loudly with the others as my mind drifted to darker thoughts and I looked at the washed out, dreary colors of the world.
The cheery blue sky peaked through the leaf covered branches arching over the path, and lively flowers poked up through the ground to display their vibrant colors. I lowered my head against the trees' ashen gray color and let my eyes fall to the sepia toned path.
It's just not the same... I can't see anything anymore.
“Hey, Castor? You feeling okay?” Sugarsilk asked me.
Still downcast, I looked to the snow white unicorn. “It's a beautiful day,” I sighed.
“Then, why don't you sound like it?” she asked.
“Close your truesight, see only with your eyes, hear only with your ears, feel only with your body, then tell me if you can appreciate the day in the same way.”
“Oh,” she said and was silent a moment. “Well, it isn't bad only seeing this gorgeous day.”
“I don't think you quite understand what I am saying.”
“Saying about what?” Ivy asked, looking at me along with Cloud Mason, Cloverberry, and Dante.
“I was just saying...” I hesitated, looking at them. Dante, the only other unicorn, was the only one who might -I stress 'might'- have understood what I meant. “I was just saying, it's a beautiful day.”
“It is, isn't it?” Cloverberry said, looking about herself at the scenery around us.
“Yeah,” I replied. “It's just...” my mouth dumbly continued on.
“It's just what?” Ivy asked.
“It's just... I wish I could appreciate today. I can't quite see as well as I could.” I adjusted the glasses which sat on my nose, then added, “And I don't mean with my eyes.”
“Personally speaking, just seeing with my eyes isn't as bad as I think you think it is.”
I bristled. Leave it to an earth pony to think that. Everyone should know they see and hear better than unicorns do anyway. “Tell me, Ivy, do you think you could enjoy a day like today just as much if someone were to rip out your eyes? Huh?”
“That's not what happened to you.”
“That's Exactly What Happened!”
“I didn't-”
“You don't understand what happened to me! None of you do, so stop acting like you understand!”
“That was unnecessary, Castor.” Cloud Mason said in the ensuing silence. I glared at him, but no one said anything else.
The park lay on the line between urbanized Canterlot and the mostly natural countryside. The most commonly walked path looped around a small clearing with a mountain brook running through it and was overshadowed by ancient trees. From this path, several other trails, mostly ill maintained, broke away from the main common grounds and followed the contour of the mountainside some short distance. We turned onto one of these paths which lead through the treeline some several hundred feet before opening onto a small, grassy meadow. It was well removed from most of the park, and the gentle slope off the path into the meadow provided a wonderful place to lie in the grass and flowers and enjoy the gentle passing of time.
“So, anyone up for a game of soccer?” Cloud Mason broke the silence I had created, pulling a soccer ball out of his saddlebags as we neared the clearing. He threw it to the ground and kicked it to Sugarsilk, who tapped it over to me.
I didn't really react as it bounced against my hooves. For an instant, I nearly tried pushing it out of my way with telekinesis, but caught myself and gently tapped the ball to Ivy. “I don't feel like playing.”
Cloverberry looked over to me as I started to walk away. “You sure?”
“Yes.” I replied, pointing to the helmet on my. “I got a pretty bad hole here. I'll stay back and watch.” I sat down in the tall grass on the hill, falling back on my haunches for a moment before I lay down fully on my back. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath through my nose, trying to make the deep ache go away.
Somehow, the shining sun and welcoming scenery only plunged the knife deeper into my heart and then tore downward through my diaphragm. Why did I think it would feel better if I were to wrap myself up in some dark room and watch it rain?
In the background, I heard the gleeful shouts of my friends as they ran and passed the ball back and forth among themselves, playing with two invisible goals at the ends of the meadow. I stared up at the sky, watching clouds drift by, but eventually sat back up to watch my friends play.
Ivy, Sugarsilk, and Cloverberry were on one team, while Dante and Cloud Mason were on the other. In the back of my mind, I noted that the lineups by tribe were Earth Pony, Unicorn, and Pegasus verses Unicorn and Pegasus. If I were to join Dante and Cloud Mason's team, I could be the team's Earth Pony.
Except, I was still physically a unicorn; I was brittle.
I was easy broken...
I was broken...
I rubbed the forehead of my helmet where my horn should be and continued to stroke the spot.
Cloud Mason took the ball and ran towards Sugarsulk and her team's invisible goal when Cloverberry came from his side and tried to steal the ball away, forcing Cloud Mason to pass to Dante. The pass was bad and sailed behind Dante who turned rapidly and fell on his shoulder.
Despite myself, I chuckled lightly until as he lumbered off to help Cloud Mason stop Ivy from scoring. He gimped past them unnoticed to place himself between the goal and the ball right as Cloverberry, the only among us who was remotely athletic, took possession of the ball and kicked it towards the end of the meadow with all she was worth.
Poor Dante didn't even have time to react before he the ball struck him squarely in the face, sending him comically rearing backwards onto his haunches. I snickered at his expense again as everyone stopped what they were doing and crowded around him as he sat there dazed for a moment.
“You okay?”
“That looked painful.”
“I think you're bleeding.”
“Everything okay?”
Dante rubbed his snout with a foreleg, and looked at the thick blood stain left behind. “Ah, will you look at that.” His eyes fell to the soccer ball. “Alight, enough to this.”
Awkwardly standing, he wrapped his magic around the ball, lifted it above everyone's heads, and began trotting merrily to the other side of the meadow.
“Hey!” Ivy yelled. “That's not fair. Sugarsilk, could you please?”
She grinned, ran past Dante and turned, lowering herself into a playfully aggressive stance. “Put it down,” she ordered in a lightsome tone.
He brushed passed without paying her mind.
“Alright then,” she chuckled.
The glow of her magic wrapped around his and the soccer ball, some ten feet in the air, stopped moving. Dante stopped and physically tugged like he was pulling on a line connected to the ball, though I'm not quite sure why - that's not how magic works.
“We really going to do this?” he said.
Sugarsilk smiled wryly and gave a sharp tug, jerking the ball slightly in her direction. Dante, in turn, replied with his own magic and the ball jerked back a foot towards him.
It was like watching the two playing tug of war with a physical rope as they strained to overpower the other. Cloud Mason and Cloverberry hoovered next to the ball, cheering their respective team members on while Ivy sat below, looking a little miffed.
As Dante and Sugarsilk heaved against their invisible tethers, they made little progress. If I had my magic, I could take the ball from both of you.
They tugged and yanked at the ball until they spent their magical reserves and they strained to even keep the ball off the ground. A thin trickle of blood still flowed from Dante's nose when a vacant look filtered over his face and his brow furrowed into what looked like confusion. A moment later, he sneezed and a great plume of particulated blood sprayed everywhere. Ivy and Sugarsilk screamed and jumped back as the soccer ball to dropped to the ground.
Cloud Mason quickly kicked the ball to the other side of the field, and Cloverberry chased after.
“Sweet Celestia...” Ivy said, looking at Dante. “You look like you murdered someone.”
Dante looked to his chest. His ash gray coat was speckled with his blood, his front leg smeared with it where he had wiped it away, and much of his face was stained crimson.
“How'de you know about him? I thought I hid the body better than that, well at least the top half of it.” He smirked and trotted away. “Don't hold up. I'm just going to wash myself off a bit.”
Sugarsilk appeared ill at the sight of so much blood, and was visibly on the leading edge of an energy crash as she hazily walked towards where I sat. “I think that's enough for me today.” She flopped down next to me and exhaled. “I haven't used that much magic in a long time.” She opened one of her saddlebags and pulled out a paper wrapped sandwich, unfolded it's covering, and began munching on it, without using magic.
“Sugarsilk,” I started as calmly as I could. “You don't have to be so careful using your magic around me.”
“What?”
“Everyone is so careful about using their magic around me. I can handle seeing ponies use magic.”
“Oh, no, that's not it. I'm just a little stretched at the moment and I am afraid I might drop something if I try to levitate it.”
She's lying. Can someone please just act normally around me? “Well, you don't-” I cut myself off. “Never mind. Just forget it.”
“Forget what?” she asked.
I waved her off. “Just, never mind.”
“Um... okay...” Reluctantly, she returned to the piece of bread. We sat by each other watching the rest of our companions play for several minutes before a distant scream echoed across the clearing.
“What was that?” Ivy, in the middle of the meadow, asked, looking down the path from which we came.
“I don't know.” I replied, turning to the direction of the sound.
“I'm going to go make sure everything is okay.” Cloud Mason stated and began flying briskly in the direction of the scream, followed closely by Cloverberry and more tentatively by Ivy. For one brief moment, my mind raced over several defensive spells that I knew before I remembered I couldn't use any of them.
I jumped when a hoof came down upon my shoulder. “You okay Castor? You look scared.”
“I'm fine, Sugarsilk. I just feel so powerless. I mean, what if I need to defend myself? I can't do anything.”
“Everything's fine, I certain.”
A few minute passed and there were no further sounds which we could discern, so Sugarsilk leaned back and lay in the grass, looking upwards to the clouds in the sky. “I wish Silver Lining had come, but he's really thrown himself into his work these past few weeks.”
“Hmf”
“He's been really upset about what happened to you. He feels bad. Really bad. These past weeks, I can honestly say I don't recognize him.” She shook her head and looked over to me. “I'm worried.”
I rolled my eyes. “He'll be fine. If I haven't curled up and died yet, then he won't either.”
“I'm not afraid he's going to die, or you for that matter but... I'm worried that he's changing.” She paused to consider her words, then gently added, “I am worried you are changing too.”
“I'm the same as always.”
“You're so bitter.”
“Look, I don't think you realize how bad I feel.”
“That doesn't give you an excuse.”
“So you expect me to be acting normally right now?” I huffed. “I'm sorry, Okay! There, I said it! I'm sorry I can't be happy for everyone. It's sooooo unthoughtful of me to drag you down.”
“I'm not saying you should be happy, but you shouldn't be so mean to to Silver Lining.
I threw my forelegs out to my side. “I've been handling it the best I can!
“He's devastated, Castor. He is your friend, just like he is mine.”
“Do you see this?” I pointed to my forehead. “This will last A Lifetime!He isn't my friend anymore, not after this.”
“Don't say that. He didn't mean to hurt you. We've all talked with him about this – I've talked with him. He wants to make things right.”
“Don't give me that! He took everything that made me who I was, and what happened to him? Just a sprained tendon. That's it. He went home, was not dismissed from his work, and gets to keep on living like nothing happened. Then there's me, stuck in purgatory, not knowing what I am going to do with the rest of my life or even if I will ever be anything more than some store's retarded janitor!” I put on a mock, haughty accent. “Oh, I saw that poor dear Castor over at the market today. The miserable thing was trembling as she swept the floor. You would think someone who has spent their entire lives doing such menial things would have figured out how to hold a broom right without her magic. But I guess such things are beyond her ability to do since she got kicked in the head.”
“That's not going to happen, Castor, so stop telling yourself that!” Sugarsilk yelled at me. “And again, Silver Lining didn't mean for this to happen, so stop forcing yourself to drink this poison that's hurting you both and causing you to be such b-” she cut herself off and stormed away.
I threw my forelegs out from my sides. “I am coping with a lot of loss right now! I'll be fine, just give me a blasted chance to adjust, Alright!?!”
She kept walking away.
Bitch.
I sat there, fighting off another headache as she disappeared down the path the rest of my friends had gone down earlier. How dare she lecture me on how I should treat Silver Lining. He deserves everything I can throw back at him. I dug into my saddlebags, pulled out some crackers with sliced cheese wrapped in paper, and crammed the morsel into my mouth. What does she know about being too negative? Lop her horn off too and see if she says I'm being too negative.
I pulled out a metal canteen of water and tore the stopper from it's mouth, splattering myself with more than a meager helping of my drink as I took a hearty swig.
Condescending swillhead, born with a silver spoon plunged up her ass as well as in her mouth. She doesn't see -doesn't understand!- what I am going through. Thinks she knows everything, but doesn't.
A few minutes later, I heard my friends' dampened tones as they walked back up the path. So help me if she's going to get everyone to gang up on me. They entered sight behind me over the edge hill and were talking about something that did not sound too serious.
“What happened?” I asked when they came up upon me.
“Ah, well, this all would be my fault.” Dante replied with a grin. “I was over in the creek which feeds into the pond washing myself off when a mother and her two kids walked by and saw me. She overreacted, really, but I played into it by putting on a backwater accent and saying I had just cut up some varmint I had caught. Told her it was my lunch, but offered her a bit of it as well.” Dante broke into a wide grin, “The prissy rich lass screamed in horror and fainted. I couldn't have asked for a better reaction.”
I chuckled.
“What happened to her?”
Dante shrugged as he walked past me. “Don't know. I figured it best I get out of there before she reclaimed herself and called the law upon me, so I rather hastily retreated.” He stopped at the soccer ball and looked down at it. “Oh, and also, I got the ball.” A swift kick sent the ball sailing across the field and he took off running towards the far end of the meadow as fast as his false hind legs would permit.
Ivy, Cloverberry, and Cloud Mason's eyes went wide as they realized the game was back on and they broke into a full on run after him. Sugarsilk lingered slightly, going out of her way to brush into my side as she walked passed me. “Don't think this is over.”
I said nothing as she continued on and caught up with the others.
I stirred from my study loft the following morning as knock came at my door. Setting aside the quill and parchment I used to practice my penmanship, slowly I made my way down the stairs. The knocking came again before I reached the bottom, to which I answered by yelling, “Give me a minute. I'm coming.”
Reaching the door, I opened it and was met by Silver Lining standing at the threshold. I blinked, taken aback for a moment as he shifted uneasily and started talking. “Castor... I got your letter and I-I just don't know what to-”
I slammed the door in his face, locked the deadbolt, and walked away.
He pounded on the door. “Castor! Please,” he yelled from outside. “I'm sorry. Please just let me talk.”
I turned around and faced the door. “GO AWAY!!!”
“Please, Castor. I don't expect you to forgive me, but I want to talk. Please!”
I shook my head in disbelief and stormed up the stairs, stomping loudly with each step. Why won't anyone leave me alone about this? What does he expect will happen? At least he realized I will never forgive him.
“Castor, Please!” he yelled, pounding on the door again as I reached the top of the stairs.
“I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU!” I screamed back down, breathing through grit teeth in the following moments as I expected him to continue groveling at my door. A faint noise, maybe that of a whimper, made its way to my ears, but I heard nothing more from Silver Lining. Slowly, it became clear that he had left.
Heading back towards my writing desk, I let out a long sigh. I hope that's the last I hear from him.