//------------------------------// // Part 4: Apple Bloom // Story: Which Pony Shall I Be Today? // by deadpansnarker //------------------------------// I trudged slowly through the vast open fields, feeling extremely sorry for myself. One minute you're on top of the world, imbibing copious amounts of booze with your best friends, ready to ask the girl of your dreams to move in with you (hey, the place could do with of tidy-up now and then, beats hiring a maid), things couldn't be more peachy... Then, through a implausible sequence of surreal misadventures involving soul transference and close encounters with equine snobs, slobs and one very angry dog, I found myself inhabiting the body of yet another little brat. In fact, after my unwitting possession of at least three members of a certain clan, you could say things couldn't be more 'Appley'. I'd laugh, if I didn't want to shoot myself. At least the first little punk I hijacked spiritually had riches to throw around... this one was not only dirt poor, but she probably wallowed in dirt in lieu of having a wash, too. Combine that with the annoying drawl and the massive bow which constantly impeded my vision, and you might describe me with some accuracy as not-a-happy-camper. Pack up the tent kids, we're going home... I wish. Well, at least I could do something about that bloody ribbon. First chance I got when the coast was clear, I ripped it off and tore it to ribbons (tee hee). Sorry Apple Bloom, I don't care if that was a cherished heirloom or not... for what your family just put me through, my reservoir of sympathy is bone dry. As long as I'm in control of your puny form, we're going to do things a lil bit differently. Buckle up. I stretched my tiny hind legs, and began to plan a route, possibly away from any majorly populated areas if at all possible. The less contact I have with these horsie menaces, the better. After my embarrassing performance in front of the Apples, I had no intention of putting myself at any further risk of being discovered. Besides, I might be stuck in this filly's body for a while... I could just see my picture on the milk cartons now, if they have them here of course. Believe me Apples, if I had any choice in the matter I'd return the brat to you without a second thought. It's just that her form is my only way of getting around 'Neightopia' for now, so please be patient. Let's just call it a loan, yes? It was as I mumbled incoherently to myself while aimlessly ambling along that two new faces stopped to stare in my direction. I didn't spot them at first due to my dour, distracted mindset, but they sure seemed interested in talking to me. "Apple Bloom?" "Feed me fruit... what do they think I am, a sniveling rabbit? As soon as I get out of here, I'm having a full English roast with all the trimmings. Take that, animal kingdom!!" "Apple Bloom..." "Why did those freaks call me 'Queen Chrysalis', anyway? I don't even like the monarchy! Elizabeth II could be booted out tomorrow, for all I care. Republic all the way, baby!!" "Apple Bloom!!" I blinked sharply, as if clearing my head after a long sleep, and turned my head slowly to engage my addressers. "Yeah, what do you two want? It's been a very hard day for me thank you, and I'd rather be left alone, if it's all the same..." I finally got a better look at the miscreants on their approach. They looked about the same age as me, and my animosity instantly increased tenfold for them upon studying their appearance. Here, we had a white female unicorn who could probably do more tricks than David Copperfield, and a male orange Pegasus who possibly had as many airborne maneuvers as the entire Red Arrows flight squad combined. Me? I was apparently doomed to child slave labour and residing in a rundown old shed. As soon as I got the chance, I was switching places with one of these unsuspecting losers. The fact that they appeared to be friendly with this 'Apple Bloom' character meant nothing to me, apart from how much easier it would be to initiate my betrayal. Then, I'd either take to the sky like a jet plane, or start blasting random passer-bys with my awesome new power. I just had to tolerate their company for a little while, until the swap could be completed. It'll be tough, but I think I can endure their jibber-jabber for a brief period, considering the reward on offer... As my devious Machiavellian brain began to work overtime, the two ponies seemed a bit put-out by my original response. The one with the pointy head growth spoke first. "Hang on a minute... I thought you said you wanted to go and see Diamond Tiara at the hospital with us this afternoon, because Miss Cheerilee had to go on an urgent trip so school was canceled. You were going to bring Diamond a slice of homemade apple pie, remember? We were going to join you at the farm before we set off there together, but apparently you're heading to the clinic on your own now. You're going the wrong way, as well. And what happened to your bow? I haven't seen you without it since... well, when we first met." "I think maybe she's just shocked at Diamond going crazy, like we all are..." The orange guy pegasus buzzed his little wings, to emphasise his point. His voice was quite high-pitched for a dude, I noticed. "I know her parents apply lots of pressure to her, but I never thought things would turn out like this. I must admit though, I did let out a little cheer when I heard that she'd kicked Spoiled Rich in the snout. That stuck-up pony has had it coming for a l-o-n-g time..." "Yeah, that part was fun. I certainly enjoyed doing that, and watching her cry afterwards..." I chuckled at the memory of the beleaguered expression on that ghastly mare's face when I'd really let her have it, before realising, based on the odd looks of my two companions, that I'd made a mistake. "I mean... I wish I'd have been there. I've despised her for a long time... and that big nose, huh? Am I right, or am I right?! Come on guys, give me a high five... or a high hoof, as I should say..." The unicorn glanced back to her orange friend, with concern written all over her cherubic features. "Gosh, I think you're right Scootaloo. I think she is a bit unbalanced right now. I've never heard Apple Bloom say she hated anypony before, and she appears to have lost her accent, too. Also, just what is a 'high hoof'?" The one known as 'Scooter Loo' (seriously, who thinks up these names?!) nodded his agreement, and the pair moved a little more forward to intercept me. "It's okay, Sweetie Belle, I understand. She's so worried about Diamond that her big heart is making her act out in ways which are not normal. Just as her cutie mark tells us, her fellow Crusaders..." 'Cutie Mark'? There's that term again. I glanced down at my flank to where she indicated, and discovered the 'bad tattoos' I referred to earlier were actually a more permanent part of these pony's configuration... in my case, it was that of an apple-shaped heart (I guess apples had to be worked in there somewhere, sigh) and my partners had a musical note, and a lightning bolt respectively. "So that's what those things are..." I stated angrily, prodding and prompting it as though it was an irritating zit I could burst before the school disco. "Just like the ones those dumb Care Bears have on their tummies! I suppose the fact that the shield around the symbol matches our mane colours as well means we're 'bestest pals' in the kiddie world that this toddler show represents. Well, guess what? Maybe I don't want to play along. Maybe I just want to go home, see my girl, watch TV, masturbate to some Internet porn and forget this stupid thing ever happened. M-maybe..." I start to sob capaciously, big girlish yelps bursting forth from my mouth like the small filly I was now. I missed the life I left behind to be replaced with this sorry body-hopping existence, and plomped my furry butt on the grass. I felt thoroughly miserable and didn't even care about what my 'live audience' thought of my hysterics. "Wow, she's really messed up..." Sweetie Belle remarked in worry, whilst addressing her pegasus compadre, who nodded in return. "Perhaps when we get to the hospital, they can give her the once-over there. I hope that this isn't some kind of new contagious madness that's sweeping Equestria, that's already afflicted Diamond and now Apple Bloom. I wonder if Twilight's heard of it. If anypony can fix the problem, it's the all-powerful princess..." This seemingly innocuous statement was actually illuminating for a number of reasons. The first one being, I finally found out what this weird, whacked-out world was actually called (nah, I still prefer Neightopia) and two, I heard the name of somepony who might be able to help my delicate situation. In fact, I thought I heard her mentioned before... "You mean... Princess Twilight? The one named after all those terrible vampire romance movies?" I began to wipe my tears away, finally having a smidgen of hope for the future. "Applejack was supposed to deliver an important message to her this morning, but she never showed up for... various reasons. Let me guess... she's like, the head honcho 'round these parts, and Queen Chrysalis is the bad guy? Am I getting warmer?" Scootaloo stood there in amazement, as if I didn't know all this already. " Y-yes..." He croaked, unable to fathom how this could be news to anypony. "Great then! Trip to the hospital... cancelled! You wouldn't want to be around Diamond Tiara when she's this nuts, anyway. Don't want to catch her crazy now, do you?" I abruptly leapt up, and squeezed myself in-between my two gobsmacked 'best friends'. "Let's go to her castle together, I mean, she does have a castle, correct? 'Sold at all good toy stores' I reckon. If anypony has the power to send me home, it's her... Why are we called the 'Crusaders' anyway? I'm pretty sure you weren't around in 12th century England, they'd be documentation about you if you were... And, Scooter Loo, was it? I gotta ask, man. why do you sound so much like a gir-oh, you are a girl! Sorry dude, I mean dudette, my bad. Your mane style and tomboyish personality totally threw me off. But your lack of a dic- you know, more or less confirms your story. Not that I'm staring, or anything. I ain't into that bestiality shizz, believe me. Whatever you find on my laptop at home... " So it was like that, with me delicately positioned betwixt my two newest friends all the way to the inevitable castle, like a couple of good pals supporting a drunken acquaintance on the way home from the pub. They smiled broadly, they nodded a lot and went to great lengths to humour the utter drivel I was spouting, but I did catch at least one little whispered exchange of dissension. "...Let's just leave her there, Sweetie Belle. I don't think I can take much more of this..." " Scoots, our friend is very sick and needs our help and compassion at this crucial time! How can you be so cruel?!" "Cruel, Sweetie Belle?! You're not the one who just got asked, and I quote: 'Why doesn't the chicken just fly us there?' and if I hear just one more 'crossing the road' joke, I'll... I'll... " " She doesn't know what she's saying, Scoots! Try and have some sensitivity! As soon as we've visited Twi, we'll go straight down to the hospital and get her to have a complete check-up. Whether she likes it... or not." "...I just hope I can last until then, Sweetie Belle, because if I can't, they might be booking her in for reasons besides her mental state." ................................................................................................................................. "Oh yes, this is nice! Very nice! I can totally see myself settling down in a place like that. Apart from those turrets, they'd have to go. Not too keen on the whole crystalline look, either. Too much polishing required, I fear. But apart from that, it's great! They should totally open this palace up to the public, they'd make an absolute fortune! Kind of like another place in London I know..." "Sweetie Belle, she's talking again..." "Scootaloo... Let it go. It isn't her fault, obviously. She's ill. Very, very, ill." We'd arrived at the grandiose 'Castle Of Friendship', which looked about as marketable as I expected it to be, pointy star and all. I'd have loved to look around, take some photos, steal some of the towels... but right now, my only focus was on getting home, going to bed and forgetting this whole sorry saga of a retarded childhood fantasy delirium had ever occurred. Turning around to my now exhausted, both mentally and physically associates, I told them in a stern voice that was more of an command than a request: "Take me to your leader." Do you see the irony? I always thought that extra-terrestrials abducted me here, and now I'm beginning to sound like one myself. Either that, or my dialogue was the end result of too many dodgy B-movies during my many unproductive afternoons on the sofa, when I was supposed to be studying for something more than a dead-end existence. Whatever. "E-Erm... sure thing, Apple Bloom... if you're still in there, somewhere..." Scooter Loo even seemed a little terrified of me now, something that maybe I might actually have empathised with, if it wasn't for the fact that she and Sweetie Belle had been exposed to one weird piece of alien culture in myself, whereas I'd been confronted by an entire world of the stuff. Who had more reason to be afraid, I ask you? No contest. "Y-Yeah. You just sit tight there, and we'll go and get Princess Twilight for you. Try not to do anything crazy while we're gone, 'kay...?" Sweetie Belle added, and on that cautious note, both of them bolted at the same time inside, as though engaged in a race to see which one could escape my charming company the fastest. You'd almost think they didn't like me. Cheek. To whittle the time away, I continued to marvel at the many variations of pony that existed in this small provincial town. Fat ones... thin ones... short ones... ugly ones. And none more hideous than a wrinkled old mule-type creature who gave me dirty looks when I couldn't drag my eyes off him. Hey fella, it's not my fault you're so unsightly I can't tear myself away. Blame genetics, not me... Needless to say, I found it positively hi-lar-ious when, by way of karma, his terrible Donald Trump-esque wig was suddenly blown away by a stray breeze, to much consternation to him and his equally unattractive wife. They chased after it with admirable determination, knocking over a few market stalls en route and causing much havoc in the previously serene atmosphere. Unfortunately, none of the other ponies found his torment and the subsequent disruption as funny as I did, and indeed glared at me unpleasantly as they trotted by, one even informing me in no uncertain terms that they'd 'tell my sister'. Good luck with that, she's probably halfway to prison by now, captured by dumb ponies under the impression that she's one of these 'changeling' creatures. Hopefully, I can get out of Equestria before the buckin' bronco makes bail, because then the jig really will be up... My thoughts were abruptly interrupted when I saw Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo finally emerge from the castle together, with my eyes nearly popping out of their sockets when I saw what accompanied them, looking distinctly fed up with his arms neatly crossed. It was a DRAGON. A MOTHER****ING GOODNESS-TO-GOD REAL-LIFE DRAGON. OH MY FREAKING LIFE... I LOVE DRAGONS. I might have told you this already (I do tend to prattle on sometimes, in case you hadn't noticed) but I've been a huge fan of this until now fictional class of reptilian since I picked up my first video game, which oddly enough was Spyro. Since then, I've played Dungeons And Dragons, watched How To Train Your Dragon like, a zillion times and even dressed up as one for Halloween, but never though I'd meet one in the scales. Must... prod... all... over. Unaware of his impending doom, the creature was starting to talk, though his words were barely audible above his unbearable cuteness. "...Like I said, Twilight and Starlight are headed over to Applejack's farm, due to reports that Queen Chrysalis had been sighted there. You're just going to have to wait until she gets back, now if you don't mind, I have a floor to finish waxing..." "Huh, that's funny, Spike..." Sweetie Belle scratched her chin in thought. " Apple Bloom just came from there, and she didn't mention that. It's a shame she's suffering from the same kind of mad sickness as Diamond, or she'd be able to tell us what's going on." "Yeah, that's true. Sounds exciting, though. Wish I was there..." Scooter Loo commented, before a frightening thought occurred to her. "Wait a second, think about how oddly Apple Bloom's been acting since we ran into her. Guys, I don't think we should automatically discount the possibility that our good friend is really a..." "Changeling?!" The two fillies looked at each other with alarm, before turning to 'Spike' to see if he agreed, but as of that moment he was more concerned with something else. Namely, a rapidly approaching yellow filly (i.e, me) rushing towards him, letting out the biggest fangirl scream ever, to unceremoniously bundle him over, while touching him everywhere. "Wow, this is fantastic! He's got the forked tongue, the pointed spines, the sharp teeth, the long claws and everything! No wings yet... I suppose that's because he's just a baby. Don't worry about it fella... I'm sure you'll grow into them! Now, let's see if you can breathe fire..." "Help! I don't get paid enough for this kind of molestation. In fact, I don't get paid anything at all, but even so... somepony save me!!" Was all the tiny creature could say as I man-dragon-handled him everywhere, as Sweetie Belle and Scooter Loo paused briefly in horror, before deciding to take decisive action. "Get off our friend now, you crazy pony! Or possibly, deviant love-sucking creature..." Sweetie Belle hesitated in her prose, unsure what to classify me as. "My bits are on the latter!" Scooter Loo insisted, in a statement which probably sounded dirtier than it was supposed to. "Quick, use your horn! Restrain the monster, and we'll soon see her for what she truly is." "O-Oh yeah..." Sweetie Belle seemed to forget about her powers momentarily, and as her horn glowed I found myself being lifted away from the object of my affection, while surrounded in a light green aura. "No! Perfect childhood memories... fading. Jaded adult cynicism... returning." I groaned, as my last hoof began to slipped away from my target's arm. But then, something truly magical happened. Something infinitely more pleasant than being dragged away by a petulant unicorn. The familiar feeling of electricity returned, and I was there. Not in the body of a bullying brat. Or a lanky labourer. Or a hillbilly hayseed. Or even a silly filly. But in the glorious, wonderful, supreme form of an almighty dragon. I was even back to being male, AND bipedal. The second greatest thing I could be, apart from my normal perfect self, but I'll take this for now. "Woo hoo!" I thrust my claws in the air and ran around like crazy, right in front of the bemused fillies which now included a constrained Apple Bloom. "Best. Transformation. Ever. I'm going to go totally wild, see how many things I can set on fire, it's gonna be a blast..." It was then that I realised I was still being closely watched, and for once I decided to let my enthusiasm die down a bit while I employed some cunning tactical nous. "...What I meant to say is, of course, good job Sweetie Belle and Scooter Loo. Go and take your friend to Twilight, who I'm sure will reward you handsomely. Oh, and return her to normal, of course..." With all the madness that had already gone on that day, the two fillies had obviously decided that enough was enough, and it was just time to let the adults handle things."...Whatever you say, Spike." Sweetie Belle was heard to mutter. "Yeah, I just wanna get home, put my hooves up and relax. In fact, after today, I'm not sure I ever want to leave the house again..." Scooter Loo seemed equally tired of recent events. "Good good, you do that..." I replied, not really listening. "Now if you don't mind... I have a 'floor' to 'wax'. Yep, that 'floor' sure ain't gonna 'wax' itself. Well, ciao!" I abruptly went inside the castle and slammed the door, and rubbed my claws in glee. Good, that's gotten rid of them. Screw the floor, now I can actually look around this castle properly to see if I can find a way back... But first, time for some fun.