//------------------------------// // Bovine in black // Story: Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me // by DataPacRat //------------------------------// Micro didn't kick my head off - quite - and she wasn't happy about being transferred to some brand-new department, especially one run by a mad cow... but I had enough leeway in my budget to offer her a substantial raise from her post in the university, which, fortunately, turned out to be just what was needed to convince her. I gave her the job of getting the new lab set up, while I ran some errands around town, collecting a few things - the first of which was a cart to carry everything else in. A portable milking machine was just the start - travel food, a tent for rainy nights, a first-aid kit, fire-making tools, and everything else a traveler could need, plus a kitchen sink. (Yes, I actually did pack a kitchen sink. Not a ceramic one, more of a collapsible canvas basin - but it would work as well in a kitchen as anywhere else, and since I'm the one writing this, I'm calling it my kitchen sink.) When that was done, I confabbed with Micro for a bit. "My first stop is going to be Ponyville. It's not too far, and I already know some of the ponies there, so it will be good for a practice run." "You're the boss, Bossie." "Hunh. I think I actually prefer 'Missy'." She shrugged, and I continued. "I may be your boss, but I want you to be happy with what you're doing. You've got two main options right now. One, you could come with me, to be my field assistant, and we hire somepony to keep an eye on our home base here while we're gone. And two, you can stay here, and focus on the lab work, and I'll keep an eye out for somepony else to hire to come out with me." "It should only take a couple of days to get everything here set up. Once that's done - what would whoever is here be doing?" "Since we're just getting started... I think the most important data to collect are some baselines on existing preservation techniques - how long they keep for under various conditions, and how quickly the nutrients degrade, and so on. It will be a lot harder to figure out if any new method of preservation is any better if we don't have anything to compare it to." "And you say you're going to... Ponyville?" "This time, yes." "Then I think I'll stick here, at least for this trip." "Works for me." One train trip later... "Hello, Aloe. Hello, Lotus." "Welcome to the Ponyville Day Spa!", said the pink one with a bright smile - I didn't actually remember which of them was which. "What can we do for you today?" "I'm not... entirely sure; but I do have a general idea - I plan on doing some traveling soon, and I want to be able to look my best - so if you can show me how to use any given product with my own hooves, I would be happy to buy a supply of it. As well, of course, as paying for your time in teaching me, and today's treatments." The blue one ducked her head behind a curtain. "Roxie! Prep a three, twelve, sixteen," she pulled her head back out and looked at me, then called back, "and an eighty-seven!" After being pampered in ways I had never even considered being possible, and collecting a variety of ointments, unguents, potions and lotions to take back to Canterlot with me... the more important reason for my spa-visit appeared: Rarity entered for her 'usual'. "Why, hello, my dear!" she gushed, as Aloe (or Lotus) continued painting my left forehoof, and Lotus (or Aloe) hurried over to start plastering green mud over Rarity's face. "I haven't seen you in days - did you make it to Canterlot alright?" "Thank you, I did," I said. "And everything went well - I am now actually employed for talents above and beyond simple dairy production." "That's just wonderful, darling! I'm so glad things worked out for you." "So am I. In fact, I was planning to come see you - when I saw the Princesses, the hat you gave me helped me feel like a truly civilized being, instead of just a wild bovine who had walked in off the fields, and helped me keep my composure." Even behind a mud-mask, I could tell the fashionista was beaming. I saw Lotus (or Aloe) carrying over a platter with some cucumber slices amongst other things, so before she was blinded, I continued, "In fact - now that I have a steady income, I was hoping you could help me with more clothing than just a hat." The words 'income' and 'clothing' caught her attention, and she waved away the cucumber to look up and down at me. "Do you have anything in particular in mind?" "I do have certain ideas. My frame is, well, more generous than the average pony's, and shaped somewhat differently - and so I would need an expert hand to tailor something that would fit well. In addition, my new job is likely to involve a lot of walking..." I lifted one hindleg, and gently prodded my udder with it. "And too much jiggling can get to be painful. What I'm really hoping for is a design for some sort of supporting foundation under-garment, perhaps based on a shaped cup held up by straps going across my back; I've been thinking of calling it a 'Bouncing Reducer for Udders', or 'bruh' for short..." When creating a quick accessory to give to a stranger, Rarity was a fashion expert. When being properly paid to put her talents to full use, including a technical challenge which could potentially open a whole new market to her, she was a frickin' genius. We settled on three main overall outfits, not including swappable accessories (such as sunglasses and scarves) and patches for in-field repairs. The first was designed primarily for practicality, and for walking-around - protection from sun and wind, durable materials, a nice earthy tan color. With the full-brimmed hat, I looked something like a forest ranger in it. Number two was pure business professionalism - she took my descriptions of a Blues Brothers type suit, and I couldn't actually tell you how she did it, but she put together a version that not only fit onto my bovine body, but fit well. The third one, I hesitated and hemmed and hawed over doing it at all, before Rarity threatened to make it anyway and just give it to me if I didn't accept it. I was still getting used to the idea of being female at all - and what Rarity insisted on, and which I eventually allowed her to take full charge of - was a dress which not only showed that I was female, but showed off my full femininity. If you've ever seen the movie 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit', try to imagine Jessica Rabbit if she were a quadrupedal cow, but still wearing that slinky red dress. I didn't know that I could slink. And wasn't sure that I was ever going to want to again. But I accepted the whole package, and packed it away in my cart, just in case. While we were in the privacy of her shop, I did ask for a few minor alterations to the basic outlines we'd agreed to in the spa. "It's a big, wide world out there," I said to her, "and every filly needs to keep a few surprises up her sleeves... just in case." And so with a clever bit of sewing, she put in secret pockets... well, pretty much everywhere. As long as I had a stitch of clothing anywhere within hooves' reach, I should also have a useful tool, or seven. Dressed up in my professional black suit, set off by the white shirt and a couple of blue accessories, I made my way to Sweet Apple Acres, for a talk with Applejack. "If any of our research pays off," I told her, "then we should be able to accept as many excess apples as you can produce. The price won't be as high as in the open market - but having a guaranteed buyer even during a market glut should help you collect a nest egg for any times when you under-produce, such as after a disaster or disease outbreak." "That'd be a load off my mind - all our minds - if you can pull something like that off. And I hafta admit I like the thought of Apple Family apples helping feed those who've been in trouble and can't feed themselves for a bit. But that's a pretty big 'if', about you coming up with some new-fangled technology." "And that brings us to the other reason I'm here. I'm less interested in finding that 'new-fangled' technology myself, then in doing whatever it takes to get it found. I know that the Apple family is large, and spread throughout Equestria - so I'm hoping that you can spread the word to them all to keep an eye out for any sort of new inventions, food-related or otherwise, so that I can come take a look at them. I'm quite willing to pay a finder's fee, and, of course, their farms would benefit as much as yours would once we get the ball rolling." "That makes a whole lot of sense. I can pass along what you're telling me lickety-split, no problem." I paused for a moment, taking a sip of apple juice, before finally settling on how to phrase this. "There's... another thing that I'd like to ask you to ask your family about... but it's not part of the food-preserving project. It's more personal." "I'm listenin'." "Doctor Fluff said that I probably have trauma-induced amnesia, and may never fully recover my memories around what happened to me." Since Applejack was the bearer of the Element of Honesty, I was trying to be extremely careful about telling her true things - for all I knew, she had an innate lie-detector sense. Doctor Fluff had told me exactly that. "She thinks that I was likely abducted with my whole herd, taken by Diamond Dogs or some other predator into the Everfree Forest, where... well, I'd rather not describe her speculations. But - while I'm traveling around looking for food technology... I also want to look for ponies - or cows, or donkeys, or anyone else - who goes missing in a way that might mean they've been abducted; and for any who appear with odd gaps in their memories, or who are behaving oddly, the way I did. I'm not asking you to put any of your kin in any sort of danger - but if possible, I'm hoping they'd be willing to pass on news of that sort of disappearances and appearances, as well as news of technologies." "Do you think you can help any such folk?" "I don't actually know - but I do know I won't even have a chance to, if I never hear about them." "Don't you worry none, sugar - having kin helping others is what we Apples do best. I'll make sure the whole family keeps a close eye out for anything that can help you and your'n." "Thank you most kindly, Miss Applejack." "Hello again, Spike. Is Twilight in?" "Hi! Yeah, she's studying in back. Again." I slipped him a piece of amethyst I'd pocketed for exactly that purpose, and clopped through the library until I found the unicorn. She was flipping from book to paper notes and back, muttering to herself, until I cleared my throat. "Oh. Hello there, is there something I can - Oh! It's you." She seemed a bit cautious of me - understandable, given I'd told her an aphorism about rebuilding corpses on our previous encounter. "Yes, it's me. I came to thank you for your help - thanks to your letters, I was able to convince the Princesses that some of my ideas were worth pursuing, and they officially hired me to pursue them." "That's great. I think." She offered a hesitant smile. "You're welcome." "I'm hoping you can help me again - something closer to your own job here, with all your books." "Yes?" Her ears perked up with interest. "I'm going to be traveling a lot, so I'm not sure how to arrange this, but, well..." I took a breath, and finally blurted, "I want to learn how to read." She squeeed. At Fluttershy's, I just left a gift basket on the doorstep. Seemed the safest approach. As an experiment, I stood in the middle of a park, with no building, pony, tree, or lamppost anywhere near me. I commented aloud, "Gee, I wonder if I could arrange a party-" Pinkie's head suddenly popped out from between my forehooves, the rest of her being somewhere underneath me. "Did you say you were planning a party?" I didn't bother spluttering and asking how she could have possibly gotten where she was, or heard what I'd said - the simple fact was that I was able to predict that she could and would, and that prediction had turned out to be accurate. The 'how' could wait. At least for now. "Almost," I said down to her. "Actually, I just wanted to ask you something about balloons." She slid out from underneath me, and started bouncing around. "Ooh, ooh, do you mean the big balloons like Twilight rode in the first time she got here, or balloon animals, or balloons shaped like animals, or-" "Actually, it's not balloons balloons, but before I ask you... can you keep a secret?" "Can I keep a secret? Can I keep a secret? ... wait, can I keep a secret?" "Maybe if you Pinkie Promised...?" "Oh! Yes! Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!" I allowed myself a moment to wonder where the cupcake had come from, then said, "Right. I expect to be doing a lot of traveling, and while I'm not planning on anything happening, it's better to have something and not need it than need it and not have it, so, well..." I stopped myself, then leaned forward and whispered into Pinkie's ears. Her eyes widened, and I coughed and looked away, blushing from nose to udder. She giggled, and said, "Oooh, those sorts of 'balloons'. Don't worry, Auntie Pinkie has you covered. All you have to do is go to the Quills and Sofas store, and-" She whispered back to me. Suffice to say that I followed her directions precisely, was somewhat surprised to find a part of Ponyville that would never ever never be shown in the cartoons, and made sure that I was going to be prepared for whatever situation I faced - even situations that I was pretty sure there wasn't a chance in Hades of actually coming to pass. Rainbow Dash was the hardest of the Mane Six to track down - turned out she'd been napping on top of a cloud the whole time. She grumbled some, but with a bit of overdone praise about how she was the awesomest flyer in Equestria, she was at least willing to listen to me. "You can face down any danger, and probably can kick the tail of any monster that comes anywhere near Ponyville in ten seconds flat, right?" She puffed up her chest and lifted her wings. "No 'probably' about it!" "That's great! I wish I was more like you. I really do - I'm going to be traveling back and forth across Equestria, and there's probably going to be all sorts of dangers... and you're probably not going to be anywhere near to kick the tails of any monsters I come near." "Yeah, it's a shame not everypony can be me - wait, what am I saying?" I coughed, and hurried on, "So what I was hoping - I know I can't be you, or even come anywhere close to being as cool as you - but maybe, just maybe, you might know a pony who knows a pony who can show me how to be a little like you, just enough so that I can at least try kicking a few tails, so that I can be sure to be able to come back to watch you be twenty percent cooler than anypony else in the sky..." "So - what, you're asking to learn how to fight?" "Well, uh... yes." "Don't you cows have your own way of protecting yourselves?" "Kind of - but it mostly involves being in a herd, and circling around so we all have our horns pointing out. Not really an option when we're on our own." "I dunno." She circled to my side, and prodded my ribs with a hoof. "You're kinda chunky there - are you sure you're up to putting any effort into it?" "I'll put it this way - if my life is going to be on the line, I'm willing to do just about anything that doesn't kill me to survive." "You say that now. But I know a guy - more muscles than wings or brains, but he knows how to exercise. Once you build up your core some, then maybe you can try something fancier." "You have no idea how glad I am to hear that - right now, anything would be an improvement." My final stop in Ponyville... was the barn where Daisy Jo and her herd lived. It wasn't their home just because they liked barns - given the wholesale price of milk, and the overall economics of Equestrian society, it was actually the best living space they could afford. I wasn't sure how I felt about that - okay, I was sure, I was disturbed on a whole number of levels by the various implications... but I couldn't think of anything I could do about it right now. They were fascinated by my suit, and covetous of my bruh, and curious about my job, which I described as being "to explore strange, new towns; to seek out new foods and new forms of preservation; to boldly go where no cow has gone before." I didn't get a laugh. As we settled into the evening milking routine, I asked about the dairy magic I'd heard about - most importantly, if there was any way to get those spells cast without a unicorn being right there. None of the cows had heard anything of the sort - they'd seen milking machines powered by unicorn magic, which a unicorn could charge up and then walk away from - but for any actual spells, a unicorn had to do it... and, usually, a unicorn with a dairy-focused cutie mark and special talent. And so it seemed that escaping those limits of my biology wouldn't be quite as easy as I'd hoped. Though, perhaps, if Micro wanted to stick to the lab, maybe I could hire a dairy-'corn to come with me for the fieldwork...